(no subject)
I've been offline since Wednesday. I've been really busy with work and class, but a lot of the stress is off. We had a big deadline on friday and we did it, we got there, and our customer is thrilled. So yay for us. Class was awesome, so yay for me.
I had a mini binge yesterday and I'm pissed off. It was a "celebratory binge". Whatever the fuck that is. I lost 4.5 pounds since Wednesday and the back of my brain decided that going to McDonald's was the perfect reward. What an ass I can be. *sigh* But I ran yesterday and today. And I've decided that a stumble doesn't mean I fell. It means I need to be a tad more alert. But you know, sometimes I want to smack the shit out of me. If that makes sense. I have FINALLY found the motivation to use my treadmill. I can be so lazy. I'm not sure what it is, but I have a kickass treadmill in my family room, near the tv and I don't use it...? Well, I just looked at it on Thursday and thought to myself that I'm a huge idiot. And that was it. Weird, huh? But whatever - I'm thrilled that I'm on it and really motivated to use it. I have several of my fav tv shows on DVD and I watch an episode per time I'm on the treadmill. It's an hour long tv show, so without commercials probably 40 minutes. It's a good start and I'm really pleased.
I have to go clothes shopping tomorrow as I'm officially in a size 8 and my bras are all too big. I still have a ways to go, but when I think that just last feb, I was in an 18, I could sit down and cry. First the negative. Why did I hate me so much? I guess that is something we ask ourselves all of the time, but why? Why did I do that to me? What did I ever to do myself to deserve that? Why do I reward and punish myself with food? With massive quantities of food. Why does that seem to ease the pain? And why the sudden control found, to the point of what I really know is too far control? Why the switch from total COE to ed-nos with really sharp twinges of ana? Being hungry equals striving for...something. Toward something. *sigh* Maybe it's time I found a therapist. But I don't really want one or want to. I don't want to stop until I get there. Wherever there is. That magic place.
<3
I had a mini binge yesterday and I'm pissed off. It was a "celebratory binge". Whatever the fuck that is. I lost 4.5 pounds since Wednesday and the back of my brain decided that going to McDonald's was the perfect reward. What an ass I can be. *sigh* But I ran yesterday and today. And I've decided that a stumble doesn't mean I fell. It means I need to be a tad more alert. But you know, sometimes I want to smack the shit out of me. If that makes sense. I have FINALLY found the motivation to use my treadmill. I can be so lazy. I'm not sure what it is, but I have a kickass treadmill in my family room, near the tv and I don't use it...? Well, I just looked at it on Thursday and thought to myself that I'm a huge idiot. And that was it. Weird, huh? But whatever - I'm thrilled that I'm on it and really motivated to use it. I have several of my fav tv shows on DVD and I watch an episode per time I'm on the treadmill. It's an hour long tv show, so without commercials probably 40 minutes. It's a good start and I'm really pleased.
I have to go clothes shopping tomorrow as I'm officially in a size 8 and my bras are all too big. I still have a ways to go, but when I think that just last feb, I was in an 18, I could sit down and cry. First the negative. Why did I hate me so much? I guess that is something we ask ourselves all of the time, but why? Why did I do that to me? What did I ever to do myself to deserve that? Why do I reward and punish myself with food? With massive quantities of food. Why does that seem to ease the pain? And why the sudden control found, to the point of what I really know is too far control? Why the switch from total COE to ed-nos with really sharp twinges of ana? Being hungry equals striving for...something. Toward something. *sigh* Maybe it's time I found a therapist. But I don't really want one or want to. I don't want to stop until I get there. Wherever there is. That magic place.
<3