Men aren't worth your tears, and when you finally meet one who is, he won't make you cry.
Things pretty much suck right now... again. I'm trying so hard to be strong, but I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. And I hate complaining because I've always been a pretty happy person, but I'm just so depressed lately, it's unreal. I never thought I'd be that person who's always going on about how shit their life is.
But all I've ever had is bullshit. I feel stupid saying that because I have both my parents together and supporting me, I'm in good health, and I own a successful business, I live in my own place with cool people... yeah, things are complicated, but Toady's still my friend, he's still there for me when I need him and I really appreciate that.
I'm just in a horrible situation at the moment, I have been for a couple of months. Toady and I broke up because of many factors, it was coming anyway because we argued a lot, we both treated each other like shit, and towards the end neither of us had any respect for each other. There was also no trust, which is a big thing not to have in a relationship, so it was pretty inevitable. But ultimately, the reason we ended when we did, is because I was starting to fall for someone else.
Which is a horrible thing for me to do, I know. It all started because both of us were in crap relationships and we both got talking about our problems, it was really nice to get everything off our chests - except then we ended up liking each other, a lot. And to be honest, I think he split us up in more ways than one, because it also made me realise just how bad me and Toady were actually getting.
Anyway, Toady of course found out about it all, which was horrible for both of us because I don't care how much he's hurt me, I would never have wanted to hurt him like that. It just led to an awful atmosphere between us, because one minute Toady would be hating me for betraying him, and the next he'd think about why me and Chris started talking in the first place, which is because of how Toady's been treating me. I'm not saying he's the only one though, I've done some bad things to him, too. But he's pretty much been going between rage at me and pity for himself, which is awkward because I never know where he's at. He's still my best friend, but I get random texts from him saying he's really angry with me, or he'll tell me he hates me, and later on he'll want a cuddle.
Since the break up, me and Chris have been getting really close, it's only been online which makes me feel kind of pathetic saying this, but I do love him. He's kept me sane when I've had breakdowns, he's made me laugh when I'm feeling down, and he's just made me realise that actually, there is someone out there who is totally perfect for me in every way. He really is, our music tastes are so similar (I mean that's how we met, on a band forum), we have the same sense of humour, we both want to travel, we both want to do the same silly things, he loves going out for picnics, he cooks proper meals, he would do anything for anyone, he... is just amazing.
But, and this is the biggest but you will EVER hear, he has a wife and a kid. Oh, and did I mention he lives in America? Yeah... so that causes a very slight problem. I'm not going to go into details about his problems, because it's his business, but he's very unhappy over there and we've been pretty much set on being together. I've been so excited, he's everything I need right now and definitely everything I want, he's ALL I want. And he said the same about me, I'm the only thing making him happy right now, the only people he cares about are me and his daughter, and he said he'll be back (oh yeah, he's not American, he is from the UK) for me soon.
But then yesterday, I got back from Northampton (which I'll blog about another time) an hour later than I expected, jumped on the laptop to talk to Chris, and instead found an email from him basically saying we're never going to work and that apart from it being so difficult, he could never leave his kid, especially with the sort of person his wife is.
I've been dreading receiving that email for so long now. In fact, I feel like an absolute tool for even trying. How the hell could I possibly think someone would actually choose me over their own kid? Am I totally insane? I feel pathetic for even falling in love with him. We had a chat on MSN afterwards, and he just kept saying he loves me and I'm all he wants but he can't see it working, and I just kept staring at the screen and crying my eyes out.
I just feel so naive and pathetic and stupid. I fell in love with some bloke I've never even met, who has a wife and a kid and lives 6000 miles away, and I expected it to work? People say maybe it's a good thing because do I really want to be with someone who would walk out on their kid? The thing is, I know how unhappy he is, whereas they don't. I think one of the worst things is that he's already so depressed in his situation, and now he's basically decided that he's never going to let himself out of that situation. He really is the sweetest guy I've ever spoken to and I can't believe he's been landed with everything like he has. It makes me feel like even more of a twat for complaining about MY problems.
But I can't cope with this. :-( It's horrible, I've had so much shit for the past few months, in fact I've had so much shit for my entire life. I was bullied ridiculously at school, I used to have an absolutely awful relationship with my mother, I was betrayed constantly by everyone, I'm not convinced I ever had many true friends, but I've always been really happy and smiley and hugged everyone and laughed at everything and got on with life.
But this, I just can't deal with. I've hurt too many people, and I just get hurt so often, and I know it's going to happen again and again and I can't face it. I'm never going to find someone quite as perfect as Chris, which is a stupid thing for me to say, but he really is the best person I've ever spoken to, and I think we could have been so happy together. I can't stand that there's someone so perfect for me that I can't even be with, I feel like I can never be happy now I know how potentially good life could be, and then I feel pathetic because for fuck's sake, I've never even met the guy, how do I KNOW that we would actually be perfect together? I also feel pathetic because I sound like a fucking prepubescent idiot.
I wish there was some way out, but I can't see any at all. I keep trying to convince myself that everything happens for a reason, and maybe it's not meant to be, but all my heart can think is it IS meant to be. I just don't know what to do, or think. I've never felt this certain that something could be perfect, and yet it suddenly feels like there's no chance of it happening... and it makes me fucking depressed.
I can't believe I've been such an idiot.