Oh, my stars and garters!
Happy birthday, Mr. Patterson. I hope it was pleasant.
{DISCLAIMER: The following tale is told at great length by the author, because he is a jerk, and may or may not be worth taking the time to read. It is 100% true, though. So don't laugh. Or, do laugh. Enjoy, at least.}
So, my friend, Steve Caballero, showed up unannounced at my door yesterday. Before saying anything else he bursts, "Wanna go with me to get a Ouija board?"
Looking anxiously at the boiling pot of macaroni on the stove, I agreed. But first things first. I recently discovered three boxes of macaroni and cheese in a cupboard in my kitchen. I had forgotten about them. And now they are keeping me alive.
After finishing my king's banquet of a meal we left in search of our mystical treasure. Our first stop: Vision Quest, the metaphysical bookstore. I've driven by this place a number of times, and I always wondered what secrets were kept behind its doors. I was disappointed. It was basically a Half-Priced Books but half the size. And they were all metaphysical books. Obviously. What this placed did have, though, were palm readers in every corner of the store. And, as if that were not enough, there was also a table set up where a woman sat giving a terot card reading over the phone to some mysterious patron. Behind the counter, much to Steve's and my own surprise, was an incredibly attractive woman. Not the gypsy with the cheap jewelry we were expecting (she was elsewhere in the store), but a tall, tattooed blonde woman. We looked about the store for a few minutes, but could not find what we were looking for. Stumped, Steve decided to ask the woman behind the counter. After a brief pause, she looked at us like a couple of fucking idiots. "You know, they sell those at Toys 'R' Us," she replied haughtily, implying with her mannerisms, "This is a serious business, assholes." I began to feel bad. I felt like this woman thought we were patronizing her. I let my head hang and noticed in the glass display case a row of healing crystals. I instantly felt better.
Outside, Steve and I noticed a security camera and I began to wonder what kind of psychic hangout needed such precautions.
So, we decided then to cut our losses and go to Toys 'R' Us. Steve really wanted to get a nice wooden Ouija board. He was going to have to settle. But before doing so, Steve drove me to this spot near my old home in East Mesa where he said he had seen the Batmobile through the window of a building. He didn't sound sure of it, though, so I was hesitant to believe him. I mean, what the hell would the Batmobile be doing in my old backyard? We drove around this industrial complex for a bit, where my father had taught me to drive years ago, when Steve suddenly brought the car to a stop.
"There it is," he said. I looked out my window to another window, through which I could make out a curvy, black object. Most of it was obscured by a wall, but I was certain it was... I got out of the car to investigate. It couldn't have been. There was no way in hell it could have been, but it was. IT WAS THE FUCKING BATMOBILE FROM THE TIM BURTON MOVIES. And not only was the Batmobile there, but next to it was the BATBOAT FROM BATMAN RETURNS and behind it was THE PENGUIN'S RUBBER DUCK CAR! I was speechless. I stared longingly at it for several minutes before someone inside the building noticed, prompting Steve and I to disperse. What a sight!
It was at this point that Steve and I went and got the Ouija board, after which we immediately returned to my apartment to channel the spirits of the dead. There were so many questions we could've asked those spirits. So many people we could have attempted to contact. But only one question lay glimmering in our thoughts.
"Ouija, will Luis get dome tonight?" we asked of the board. To our utter befuddlement, the indicator began to move. Our minds struggled to comprehend this, I swore I was not moving the piece. Steve swore the same. Slowly, it inched across the board. "Ouija, hurry the fuck up," Steve said in an attempt to inspire swiftness. The instructions said it could take between one and five minutes to get an answer. Before long it stopped over the word, "No."
Soon afterwards, Luis called to inform us that his movie date had been cancelled. Behold, the power of Ouija (pronounced "WEE-ja" according to the instructions). The night progressed in a similar fashion. We asked lewd questions, the board either answered or didn't. Apparently, I will be the first to die in circle of friends. It was a good night, though, full of laughs and spaghetti and beer.
The author would like to thank you for reading, but he isn't going to.
{DISCLAIMER: The following tale is told at great length by the author, because he is a jerk, and may or may not be worth taking the time to read. It is 100% true, though. So don't laugh. Or, do laugh. Enjoy, at least.}
So, my friend, Steve Caballero, showed up unannounced at my door yesterday. Before saying anything else he bursts, "Wanna go with me to get a Ouija board?"
Looking anxiously at the boiling pot of macaroni on the stove, I agreed. But first things first. I recently discovered three boxes of macaroni and cheese in a cupboard in my kitchen. I had forgotten about them. And now they are keeping me alive.
After finishing my king's banquet of a meal we left in search of our mystical treasure. Our first stop: Vision Quest, the metaphysical bookstore. I've driven by this place a number of times, and I always wondered what secrets were kept behind its doors. I was disappointed. It was basically a Half-Priced Books but half the size. And they were all metaphysical books. Obviously. What this placed did have, though, were palm readers in every corner of the store. And, as if that were not enough, there was also a table set up where a woman sat giving a terot card reading over the phone to some mysterious patron. Behind the counter, much to Steve's and my own surprise, was an incredibly attractive woman. Not the gypsy with the cheap jewelry we were expecting (she was elsewhere in the store), but a tall, tattooed blonde woman. We looked about the store for a few minutes, but could not find what we were looking for. Stumped, Steve decided to ask the woman behind the counter. After a brief pause, she looked at us like a couple of fucking idiots. "You know, they sell those at Toys 'R' Us," she replied haughtily, implying with her mannerisms, "This is a serious business, assholes." I began to feel bad. I felt like this woman thought we were patronizing her. I let my head hang and noticed in the glass display case a row of healing crystals. I instantly felt better.
Outside, Steve and I noticed a security camera and I began to wonder what kind of psychic hangout needed such precautions.
So, we decided then to cut our losses and go to Toys 'R' Us. Steve really wanted to get a nice wooden Ouija board. He was going to have to settle. But before doing so, Steve drove me to this spot near my old home in East Mesa where he said he had seen the Batmobile through the window of a building. He didn't sound sure of it, though, so I was hesitant to believe him. I mean, what the hell would the Batmobile be doing in my old backyard? We drove around this industrial complex for a bit, where my father had taught me to drive years ago, when Steve suddenly brought the car to a stop.
"There it is," he said. I looked out my window to another window, through which I could make out a curvy, black object. Most of it was obscured by a wall, but I was certain it was... I got out of the car to investigate. It couldn't have been. There was no way in hell it could have been, but it was. IT WAS THE FUCKING BATMOBILE FROM THE TIM BURTON MOVIES. And not only was the Batmobile there, but next to it was the BATBOAT FROM BATMAN RETURNS and behind it was THE PENGUIN'S RUBBER DUCK CAR! I was speechless. I stared longingly at it for several minutes before someone inside the building noticed, prompting Steve and I to disperse. What a sight!
It was at this point that Steve and I went and got the Ouija board, after which we immediately returned to my apartment to channel the spirits of the dead. There were so many questions we could've asked those spirits. So many people we could have attempted to contact. But only one question lay glimmering in our thoughts.
"Ouija, will Luis get dome tonight?" we asked of the board. To our utter befuddlement, the indicator began to move. Our minds struggled to comprehend this, I swore I was not moving the piece. Steve swore the same. Slowly, it inched across the board. "Ouija, hurry the fuck up," Steve said in an attempt to inspire swiftness. The instructions said it could take between one and five minutes to get an answer. Before long it stopped over the word, "No."
Soon afterwards, Luis called to inform us that his movie date had been cancelled. Behold, the power of Ouija (pronounced "WEE-ja" according to the instructions). The night progressed in a similar fashion. We asked lewd questions, the board either answered or didn't. Apparently, I will be the first to die in circle of friends. It was a good night, though, full of laughs and spaghetti and beer.
The author would like to thank you for reading, but he isn't going to.