This is what happens when you smoke crack
and stay up too late.
70 Questions for Mayor Richard Wilkins
1. DO YOU SNORE?
If I did, my Edna May never complained about it.
2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
Well that’s a limited set of choices. I like to think of myself as a uniter, bringing people and demons together in one big happy family. That obeys me.
3. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
I faced and defeated all my fears a long time ago. But I do worry that something might happen to my Faith. She’s headstrong and willful, and maybe a little too reckless. Yes, I do worry a little bit for her.
4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
No, they hadn’t been invented yet. But I did have wholesome toys like tin soldiers - I used to send ‘em smashing across the floor. Ah, good times.
5. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY" TV?
I don’t have time to watch television very often (and too much tv will rot your brains, kids), but what little I’ve seen hasn’t impressed me. That show "Survivor" was certainly false advertising. No one died at all!
6. DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
Absolutely not. Disgusting habit.
7. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
I was a delightful child, cute as a button. And precocious, too.
8. IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
I’ve lived many lifetimes, and plan to live many more.
9. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
A nice cream color that goes well with the oak desk. I like to color coordinate in my office.
10. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
When I’m feeling especially chipper I do. So, often.
11. HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
Goodness, no.
12. ANY SECRET TALENTS?
Many.
13. WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
Why would I want to leave Sunnydale? Why, this is my ideal vacation spot. I liked this place so much I built a town here.
14. IS JAY LENO FUNNY?
I do enjoy his "headlines" bit. And he’s much less disrespectful of authority than that Letterman fellow.
15. CAN YOU SWIM?
When I was a boy, I could swim like a fish. Once I swam all the way to the bottom of a small lake near my father’s farm, and found a curious little stone jar. When I opened it up - well, let’s just say it opened my eyes to a world of larger possibilities.
16. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?
I don’t get out to the movies much, these days. That Leni Riefenstahl sure made some interesting little films, though.
17. DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?
In public I do. But here’s a little secret, just for you - in a few weeks, it won’t matter anymore.
18. HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL POP?
Those things will rot your teeth.
19. CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
Of course I can. In my business, it sometimes pays to be able to say things backwards - alphabets, the Lord’s Prayer, whatever.
20. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?
Why, I once rode in an airplane with Howard Hughes himself. He was an odd duck, but he had the right ideas about germs.
21. ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?
I certainly am now.
22. DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?
I enjoy my electric pencil sharpener. There’s just something very satisfying about grinding something down to nothing.
23. WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
I was quite impressed with that little hunting expedition Mr. Trick organized, even though the results were disappointing. But personally, I prefer to arrange things so that the prey comes to me. It’s much more efficient.
24. IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
No. No one could possibly replace my Edna May.
25. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
It’s firm and legible, if that’s what you’re asking. Always has been. Why, my hand didn’t even tremble the day I signed over my soul.
26. WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Germs. Yuck.
27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"?
To my Edna May, as she lay dying. She could no longer hear me, but that doesn’t matter. Sometimes, we need to say certain words as much for ourselves as for the person we’re saying them to.
28. IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE?
No, and thank goodness. His lewd antics were the beginning of a sharp decline in morals and respect in this country.
29. DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
I’ve been known to get misty-eyed on occasion.
30. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Sunny-side up, of course.
31. ARE BLONDES DUMB?
I can think of a certain blonde Slayer who apparently isn’t bright enough to get out of my path. She’ll soon learn the error of her ways, I can guarantee you.
32. WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
I never lose socks. Really, folks, it’s just a matter of paying attention to the little details. That’s how I got to where I am today.
33. WHAT TIME IS IT?
9:22 AM. And since I have a 9:30 meeting with the chief of police to discuss security arrangements for graduation, I’d better finish this up quick.
34. DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
Some of my vampires call me "the old man." The little scamps think I don’t know.
35. IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?
Yes, very unsanitary. It's not as bad as Doublemeat Palace, though. I had to eat there once for a photo-op, and I’d swear there wasn’t any meat at all in those Medleys.
36. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR, AND WHO WERE YOU WITH?
This morning, when I drove to the office. And I was with my driver, a charming vampire named Phil. That necro-tempered glass Wolfram and Hart loaned me sure comes in handy.
37. DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
Showers. Who wants to sit in a pool of dirty water? Ugh!
38. IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
He certainly is. I had the pleasure of meeting him once, and you can bet I try to make sure he visits Sunnydale every couple of years or so.
39. DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
That’s a little personal, don’t you think?
40. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
Not since I was a wee sprout.
41. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Only power. Well, and those little mints.
42. CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
Creamy, of course. The crunchy kind really sticks in the roof of your mouth, and can lead to bacteria. Yuck.
43. CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
Yes, but I don’t care to in public. Too uncouth.
44. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
No. They make me uneasy, for some reason.
45. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?
Well, it’s early, so only twice so far. But I try to brush at least four times a day. I floss every day, too. Dental hygiene is important, kids. You want to grow up with nice strong choppers.
46. IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
Yes, indeed. Just say no!
47. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
I never sleep any more. Too much work to do.
48. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
Brown. They’ll probably be different after the change.
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
I certainly do. I’ve achieved all my goals save one - and the last one will become a reality very soon.
51. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCINGS?
Of course not. I’m not a sailor. My Faith has a few, which I do not approve of, but she had a troubled upbringing, so I’m willing to let it slide.
52. ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
Sadly, no. It would have come in handy on more than one occasion. Still, I get by just fine.
53. HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?
Yes. I don’t care for that Holden Caulfield. No respect for his elders, and no sense of direction.
54. DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
No. My Edna May used to play the piano, though, and I did love listening to her.
55. HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
Money, no. Elections, yes.
56. CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?
I don’t have the time or interest to do something like that.
57. DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
Heavens, no. Too many bugs.
58. DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
No, though I have been known to slap my knee when laughing especially hard.
59. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
I’m a two hundred year-old sorcerer. What do you think?
60. ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
Yes. My dog Rusty was the most loyal friend I ever had. I kind of regret sacrificing him, but it seemed necessary at the time.
61. YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
No. That’s the problem with young people today, no stick-to-it-iveness.
62. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
Why would I want to do that?
63. DO YOU MAKE MANY MISTAKES?
I’ve never made a mistake that I couldn’t rectify.
64. IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
Not here in sunny southern California.
65. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A number of Gavrok spiders, last night. Which is why I wound up brushing my teeth six times, yesterday.
66. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
Certainly not. Honestly, I think kids today are a little confused about proper gender roles.
67. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED?
Yes, of course.
68. WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
I don’t like those beer commercials. Too salacious for my taste.
69. DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
Please. My standards are a little higher than that.
70. FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?
Glenn Miller’s band, as always. What a loss that was. Almost makes me regret all that death and destruction in World War Two. Almost.
I need serious help.
70 Questions for Mayor Richard Wilkins
1. DO YOU SNORE?
If I did, my Edna May never complained about it.
2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
Well that’s a limited set of choices. I like to think of myself as a uniter, bringing people and demons together in one big happy family. That obeys me.
3. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
I faced and defeated all my fears a long time ago. But I do worry that something might happen to my Faith. She’s headstrong and willful, and maybe a little too reckless. Yes, I do worry a little bit for her.
4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
No, they hadn’t been invented yet. But I did have wholesome toys like tin soldiers - I used to send ‘em smashing across the floor. Ah, good times.
5. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY" TV?
I don’t have time to watch television very often (and too much tv will rot your brains, kids), but what little I’ve seen hasn’t impressed me. That show "Survivor" was certainly false advertising. No one died at all!
6. DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
Absolutely not. Disgusting habit.
7. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
I was a delightful child, cute as a button. And precocious, too.
8. IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
I’ve lived many lifetimes, and plan to live many more.
9. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
A nice cream color that goes well with the oak desk. I like to color coordinate in my office.
10. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
When I’m feeling especially chipper I do. So, often.
11. HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
Goodness, no.
12. ANY SECRET TALENTS?
Many.
13. WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
Why would I want to leave Sunnydale? Why, this is my ideal vacation spot. I liked this place so much I built a town here.
14. IS JAY LENO FUNNY?
I do enjoy his "headlines" bit. And he’s much less disrespectful of authority than that Letterman fellow.
15. CAN YOU SWIM?
When I was a boy, I could swim like a fish. Once I swam all the way to the bottom of a small lake near my father’s farm, and found a curious little stone jar. When I opened it up - well, let’s just say it opened my eyes to a world of larger possibilities.
16. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?
I don’t get out to the movies much, these days. That Leni Riefenstahl sure made some interesting little films, though.
17. DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?
In public I do. But here’s a little secret, just for you - in a few weeks, it won’t matter anymore.
18. HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL POP?
Those things will rot your teeth.
19. CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
Of course I can. In my business, it sometimes pays to be able to say things backwards - alphabets, the Lord’s Prayer, whatever.
20. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?
Why, I once rode in an airplane with Howard Hughes himself. He was an odd duck, but he had the right ideas about germs.
21. ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?
I certainly am now.
22. DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?
I enjoy my electric pencil sharpener. There’s just something very satisfying about grinding something down to nothing.
23. WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
I was quite impressed with that little hunting expedition Mr. Trick organized, even though the results were disappointing. But personally, I prefer to arrange things so that the prey comes to me. It’s much more efficient.
24. IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
No. No one could possibly replace my Edna May.
25. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
It’s firm and legible, if that’s what you’re asking. Always has been. Why, my hand didn’t even tremble the day I signed over my soul.
26. WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Germs. Yuck.
27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"?
To my Edna May, as she lay dying. She could no longer hear me, but that doesn’t matter. Sometimes, we need to say certain words as much for ourselves as for the person we’re saying them to.
28. IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE?
No, and thank goodness. His lewd antics were the beginning of a sharp decline in morals and respect in this country.
29. DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
I’ve been known to get misty-eyed on occasion.
30. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Sunny-side up, of course.
31. ARE BLONDES DUMB?
I can think of a certain blonde Slayer who apparently isn’t bright enough to get out of my path. She’ll soon learn the error of her ways, I can guarantee you.
32. WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
I never lose socks. Really, folks, it’s just a matter of paying attention to the little details. That’s how I got to where I am today.
33. WHAT TIME IS IT?
9:22 AM. And since I have a 9:30 meeting with the chief of police to discuss security arrangements for graduation, I’d better finish this up quick.
34. DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
Some of my vampires call me "the old man." The little scamps think I don’t know.
35. IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?
Yes, very unsanitary. It's not as bad as Doublemeat Palace, though. I had to eat there once for a photo-op, and I’d swear there wasn’t any meat at all in those Medleys.
36. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR, AND WHO WERE YOU WITH?
This morning, when I drove to the office. And I was with my driver, a charming vampire named Phil. That necro-tempered glass Wolfram and Hart loaned me sure comes in handy.
37. DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
Showers. Who wants to sit in a pool of dirty water? Ugh!
38. IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
He certainly is. I had the pleasure of meeting him once, and you can bet I try to make sure he visits Sunnydale every couple of years or so.
39. DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
That’s a little personal, don’t you think?
40. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
Not since I was a wee sprout.
41. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Only power. Well, and those little mints.
42. CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
Creamy, of course. The crunchy kind really sticks in the roof of your mouth, and can lead to bacteria. Yuck.
43. CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
Yes, but I don’t care to in public. Too uncouth.
44. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
No. They make me uneasy, for some reason.
45. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?
Well, it’s early, so only twice so far. But I try to brush at least four times a day. I floss every day, too. Dental hygiene is important, kids. You want to grow up with nice strong choppers.
46. IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
Yes, indeed. Just say no!
47. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
I never sleep any more. Too much work to do.
48. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
Brown. They’ll probably be different after the change.
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
I certainly do. I’ve achieved all my goals save one - and the last one will become a reality very soon.
51. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCINGS?
Of course not. I’m not a sailor. My Faith has a few, which I do not approve of, but she had a troubled upbringing, so I’m willing to let it slide.
52. ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
Sadly, no. It would have come in handy on more than one occasion. Still, I get by just fine.
53. HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?
Yes. I don’t care for that Holden Caulfield. No respect for his elders, and no sense of direction.
54. DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
No. My Edna May used to play the piano, though, and I did love listening to her.
55. HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
Money, no. Elections, yes.
56. CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?
I don’t have the time or interest to do something like that.
57. DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
Heavens, no. Too many bugs.
58. DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
No, though I have been known to slap my knee when laughing especially hard.
59. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
I’m a two hundred year-old sorcerer. What do you think?
60. ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
Yes. My dog Rusty was the most loyal friend I ever had. I kind of regret sacrificing him, but it seemed necessary at the time.
61. YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
No. That’s the problem with young people today, no stick-to-it-iveness.
62. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
Why would I want to do that?
63. DO YOU MAKE MANY MISTAKES?
I’ve never made a mistake that I couldn’t rectify.
64. IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
Not here in sunny southern California.
65. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A number of Gavrok spiders, last night. Which is why I wound up brushing my teeth six times, yesterday.
66. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
Certainly not. Honestly, I think kids today are a little confused about proper gender roles.
67. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED?
Yes, of course.
68. WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
I don’t like those beer commercials. Too salacious for my taste.
69. DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
Please. My standards are a little higher than that.
70. FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?
Glenn Miller’s band, as always. What a loss that was. Almost makes me regret all that death and destruction in World War Two. Almost.
I need serious help.