And after these 2 years..
Well!
it's been 2 years since my latest post here (can't get any other excuses, I just haven't made writing as my top priorities yet u_u)
So, please bear with the long prologue and these random post lol.
Too many things happened in these last 2 years. Those ups and downs were turning me into 'I am' right now.
About the ups.. I can't be more grateful for my chance to enhance my research experience in the field I'm so passionate about. Yes, now i'm currently working in my former lab!! (I did the final project for my thesis there).
But I think I gotta talk about that in another post :)
And talked about the downs.. I've experienced the deepest grief in my life (I can called this the deepest abyss in those downs, indeed) when my Dad passed away one and half years ago. Really... I never imagined I will spent my days without him, experienced my wedding without his attendance. Up until now, I still miss him so bad like I miss no one else.
Be happy there, Beh. Allah loves you more than anyone else in this world :"
Another down?
Yes. (sorry for being so negative in this post but I can't stand myself for didn't write this. blame the gloomy weather outside & sudden fever for the melancholy mood tonight! lol)
The 4,5 years of relationship was turned into nothing except memories. It was not an easy decision, to gave up in maintaining a long term relationship. My heart just feel so exhausted of many silent disappointments, of many sighs, of many false hope about long awaited meeting, of many longing feeling, of many "If only.." phrases, of inexplicable and unavoidable uncertainty about "is he really The One?"
and, BAM! My heart slowly went numb. I can't feel that spark again. And honestly, I can't let go the guilt feeling, of hurt his heart until now. Pardon me for this selfish heart, but I can't do anything about this. No more, just no more lie (to myself) ㅠ_ㅠ
And now my heart still has nowhere to go. How long do this heart need to fix itself?
Only Allah knows when, where and to whom it will belong to...