Locked Posts Are For Tools
So, I think that I'm going to wax emo right now, just because I can and because I haven't in a while. I mean, I approach emo a lot, but I never really go all out because most of the time I care too much about how that looks (that is, retarded). But right now I am in such a slump and I don't know how to pull myself out. This is what I've always been afraid of, because this is what happened in high school. I made it through about a year and a half and then I started to fail. Not straight up fail, that didn't happen until Junior year. I guess I should instead say that I started to slip and slide down the slope towards failure. Except the difference between then and now is that all school cost back then was the gas money used when my dad drove me to Tech in the morning. Now school costs quite a lot, even with financial aid, and so if I fuck this up I'm pretty much done for. Fixing my self-esteem will be impossible.
I'm not even stressing about school, though. I'm freaking out about myself, and how this semester reflects on me and how closely it follows my usual pattern: high energy for about two months, distracted as hell during the third, then emo as fuck during the fourth. That's just how it goes. And just like always I feel like I'm completely on my own. It's not that I don't trust my friends, I just feel silly depending on anyone for anything. I'm not really sure why.
There's a whole lot about myself that I don't really understand. I'm still so awkward about everything, but I'm too old for this shit. I'm going to be 20 (!!) in seven months. The chances of anything incredible happening between now and then are so ridiculously slim, simply because that's how I am.
Robbie and I have already had two discussions of how we need a break and how we need to go off and do something amazing. I'm not sure if I'm doing the math right, but I'm almost certain that I could take a semester off and still graduate on time. Or something. I'd have to sit down and really work it out, but I think it would work and more and more I think that I'm going to have to do this just because I'm going insane. I need to change myself, but at the same time even thinking that goes so completely against how I've always been. I don't actively change myself for anyone or anything. I prefer evolution, except right now it feels as though it's going way too slowly, or perhaps as though it's stopped all together.
I want to be back in the Sierra Nevadas with my dad. That was awesome. I also want to be rowing again, because that made me feel so much better about myself. And I want my schedule back and my high grades and my feeling of contentment. I sacrificed a lot for all of those things, particularly for crew (read: I sacrificed Dan), and then in turn I sacrificed those things for fun and a social life and a carefree feeling, which is still around but wanes everytime I step back and look at how things are going in a more general sense.
I'm isolated from everything. Partly by choice, to be sure, but partly because I don't know how not to be. Again, it's just like high school. It took me two and a half years and an amazing best friend turned boyfriend turned back to best friend to get me to loosen up enough to enjoy a good party. And then I still feel akward unless I'm stoned out of my mind, which isn't how it's supposed to be. Especially since it took complete and utter boredom to get me to smoke in the first place, and even then my younger brother had me beat by a good couple of months. Not that I want to be like him, but whatever.
As said to Jonathan: "I'm in super-emo mode and all I want to do now is either (1) get really really high (2) cry (3) go to sleep (4) pick a fight with someone (5) all of the above." That pretty much sums this up. And I don't have a cell phone so I can't even call any of the very few people I trust enough to talk to while I'm in a mood like this. I think that just about everyone here at school would just get my usual "I-am-stressed-and-tired-but-ultimately-cheerful-and-optimistic" façade. I feel like if I tried to talk to anyone here at AU I'd end up feeling worse because I'd get the impression that they were listening to be polite, or because they are "my friend," or whatever. And then again, I'm not sure I'd want to talk to anyone from back home either because they always seem so busy. No one has time for real conversations anymore, everyone's life is always so fast paced. Once upon a time I would talk on the phone with Caitlin for a good hour straight. Now I see her for maybe an hour or two per break. That's so dumb.
Jonathan won't stop asking for my help with his girl issues, or whatever one would call them. He needs to realize that I am not enough of a girl to be of any help in understanding other girls. There's something: I suck at girls just as much as the average college guy.
I realized yesterday or today or something why this is, though. It sounds really whiny, but I think it's the only logical explanation. I was never really taught how to be a girl. I grew up with brothers, my mum and I don't get along, and I'm 100% daddy's girl. And contrary to popular belief, I like having fun and I like being happy and active. I also don't like feeling shitty about myself. Read: I like and dislike things that keep me from being a real girl. My mom and I never did what Caitlin and her mom still do: hang out, go shopping, gossip about everything in their lives, etc. My dad and I hang out, we go out to eat, we go to the beach and we talk about SPORTS.
I basically suck at being a girl and that sucks for me. And I don't even know how I got into this terrible mood. Oh right. I'm going to totally screw up in the one class that I love this semester. Rock on, yo.
I also have too many things that remind me of Dan. Music, movies, sayings, etc. I don't miss him, but I get really annoyed by the fact that there are so many things about my life, partcularly at college, that make it impossible to get away from the fact that I spent a year of my life dating a boy who I now care very little about. It makes me worry that this is all my life is going to be, because I always move on really quickly, which implies that it never meant anything in the first place. Except that it did, I know it did. Or I think that I know.
I don't even know. All I know is that he gave too little too late. And was too reluctant to let himself like me. Which is a reoccuring problem. Apparently boys are either creepily in love with me after one week (ack), or else they're with me for the first few months because they don't have anything better to do and if we get along we stay together. Then they fall in love with me at the last minute, after I've realized that it sucks to be with someone who you don't get at least somewhat equal feeling from. Or after I realize that I'm married and in a rut and totally bored out of my mind.
The worst part is that either way I end up breaking up with them, meaning that (1) I never hurt as much as they do; (2) I always feel really guilty; (3) and every time is ultimately the same old thing.
Does that even make sense or does that just make me sound like a heinous bitch? Probably both, actually.
I don't know what people want from me and I don't know what I want from my life and I don't know how to keep myself from turning into my mom. I know that's what's happening to me, slowly. No one here does because no one here knows my mom or my family or the pre-college me. I've really internalized all of those things, and even when I tried talking to a counselor last year it didn't work because I didn't feel anything while I was talking to them. I only feel that shit when I'm thinking about it all by myself because I don't want to let people see me for the angsty, fucked up GIRL that I am. Because when it comes to my family, I am 100% female.
Un-fucking-believable. I made it through to the last full week of classes and now I'm just fucked. Straight up. Go me.
ANGST!!!!!
Oh yeah, speaking of old boyfriends:
Mid-July through mid-August 2004. Perhaps still the best five weeks of my life to date. I still wonder if I made a mistake by leaving, even though I know that I really had no choice.
Word. I just capped off the night by telling Dan about me & Lennon. I think I've written away my intense angst. Good night.
I'm not even stressing about school, though. I'm freaking out about myself, and how this semester reflects on me and how closely it follows my usual pattern: high energy for about two months, distracted as hell during the third, then emo as fuck during the fourth. That's just how it goes. And just like always I feel like I'm completely on my own. It's not that I don't trust my friends, I just feel silly depending on anyone for anything. I'm not really sure why.
There's a whole lot about myself that I don't really understand. I'm still so awkward about everything, but I'm too old for this shit. I'm going to be 20 (!!) in seven months. The chances of anything incredible happening between now and then are so ridiculously slim, simply because that's how I am.
Robbie and I have already had two discussions of how we need a break and how we need to go off and do something amazing. I'm not sure if I'm doing the math right, but I'm almost certain that I could take a semester off and still graduate on time. Or something. I'd have to sit down and really work it out, but I think it would work and more and more I think that I'm going to have to do this just because I'm going insane. I need to change myself, but at the same time even thinking that goes so completely against how I've always been. I don't actively change myself for anyone or anything. I prefer evolution, except right now it feels as though it's going way too slowly, or perhaps as though it's stopped all together.
I want to be back in the Sierra Nevadas with my dad. That was awesome. I also want to be rowing again, because that made me feel so much better about myself. And I want my schedule back and my high grades and my feeling of contentment. I sacrificed a lot for all of those things, particularly for crew (read: I sacrificed Dan), and then in turn I sacrificed those things for fun and a social life and a carefree feeling, which is still around but wanes everytime I step back and look at how things are going in a more general sense.
I'm isolated from everything. Partly by choice, to be sure, but partly because I don't know how not to be. Again, it's just like high school. It took me two and a half years and an amazing best friend turned boyfriend turned back to best friend to get me to loosen up enough to enjoy a good party. And then I still feel akward unless I'm stoned out of my mind, which isn't how it's supposed to be. Especially since it took complete and utter boredom to get me to smoke in the first place, and even then my younger brother had me beat by a good couple of months. Not that I want to be like him, but whatever.
As said to Jonathan: "I'm in super-emo mode and all I want to do now is either (1) get really really high (2) cry (3) go to sleep (4) pick a fight with someone (5) all of the above." That pretty much sums this up. And I don't have a cell phone so I can't even call any of the very few people I trust enough to talk to while I'm in a mood like this. I think that just about everyone here at school would just get my usual "I-am-stressed-and-tired-but-ultimately-cheerful-and-optimistic" façade. I feel like if I tried to talk to anyone here at AU I'd end up feeling worse because I'd get the impression that they were listening to be polite, or because they are "my friend," or whatever. And then again, I'm not sure I'd want to talk to anyone from back home either because they always seem so busy. No one has time for real conversations anymore, everyone's life is always so fast paced. Once upon a time I would talk on the phone with Caitlin for a good hour straight. Now I see her for maybe an hour or two per break. That's so dumb.
Jonathan won't stop asking for my help with his girl issues, or whatever one would call them. He needs to realize that I am not enough of a girl to be of any help in understanding other girls. There's something: I suck at girls just as much as the average college guy.
I realized yesterday or today or something why this is, though. It sounds really whiny, but I think it's the only logical explanation. I was never really taught how to be a girl. I grew up with brothers, my mum and I don't get along, and I'm 100% daddy's girl. And contrary to popular belief, I like having fun and I like being happy and active. I also don't like feeling shitty about myself. Read: I like and dislike things that keep me from being a real girl. My mom and I never did what Caitlin and her mom still do: hang out, go shopping, gossip about everything in their lives, etc. My dad and I hang out, we go out to eat, we go to the beach and we talk about SPORTS.
I basically suck at being a girl and that sucks for me. And I don't even know how I got into this terrible mood. Oh right. I'm going to totally screw up in the one class that I love this semester. Rock on, yo.
I also have too many things that remind me of Dan. Music, movies, sayings, etc. I don't miss him, but I get really annoyed by the fact that there are so many things about my life, partcularly at college, that make it impossible to get away from the fact that I spent a year of my life dating a boy who I now care very little about. It makes me worry that this is all my life is going to be, because I always move on really quickly, which implies that it never meant anything in the first place. Except that it did, I know it did. Or I think that I know.
I don't even know. All I know is that he gave too little too late. And was too reluctant to let himself like me. Which is a reoccuring problem. Apparently boys are either creepily in love with me after one week (ack), or else they're with me for the first few months because they don't have anything better to do and if we get along we stay together. Then they fall in love with me at the last minute, after I've realized that it sucks to be with someone who you don't get at least somewhat equal feeling from. Or after I realize that I'm married and in a rut and totally bored out of my mind.
The worst part is that either way I end up breaking up with them, meaning that (1) I never hurt as much as they do; (2) I always feel really guilty; (3) and every time is ultimately the same old thing.
Does that even make sense or does that just make me sound like a heinous bitch? Probably both, actually.
I don't know what people want from me and I don't know what I want from my life and I don't know how to keep myself from turning into my mom. I know that's what's happening to me, slowly. No one here does because no one here knows my mom or my family or the pre-college me. I've really internalized all of those things, and even when I tried talking to a counselor last year it didn't work because I didn't feel anything while I was talking to them. I only feel that shit when I'm thinking about it all by myself because I don't want to let people see me for the angsty, fucked up GIRL that I am. Because when it comes to my family, I am 100% female.
Un-fucking-believable. I made it through to the last full week of classes and now I'm just fucked. Straight up. Go me.
ANGST!!!!!
Oh yeah, speaking of old boyfriends:
Mid-July through mid-August 2004. Perhaps still the best five weeks of my life to date. I still wonder if I made a mistake by leaving, even though I know that I really had no choice.
Word. I just capped off the night by telling Dan about me & Lennon. I think I've written away my intense angst. Good night.