Fic: The Further Education of a Christian Prince
Title: The Further Education of a Christian Prince; or, Why everything that happened afterward was the fault of Humphrey of Gloucester
Author: lareinenoire
Play: Somewhere during 1 Henry VI.
Character(s): John, Duke of Bedford; Humphrey, Duke of Gloucester; Henry VI
Summary: In the end, they both had to do it. It was possibly the most excruciating half-hour in the lives of both brothers. And that included Agincourt.
Notes: This is utter and complete crackfic, though with a surprisingly sober ending--it has come to my attention that no fic involving Henry VI can possibly end well. Title is an adaptation of Erasmus' Education of a Christian Prince. This fic is the fault of angevin2, who was kind enough to beta-read it for me. ;) And, yes, it also has footnotes.
"No." Humphrey, by the Grace of God and his now-deceased father, Duke of Gloucester, stared at his brother in pure, unadulterated horror. "You can't possibly be serious."
"Well, someone needs to tell him," John informed him reasonably. "You are the Lord Protector. I believe this falls under your jurisdiction."
"He prefers you."
"He barely sees me."
"Precisely. You won't need to face him afterward," Humphrey said. "You can go back to France.1 Put an ocean between yourself and him. You're obviously the superior choice."
"But your reputation precedes you, brother." John could not hide the smirk. "He's not forgotten the Holland affair, no matter how much you might wish it."2
"You see, that's hardly the example one should set," his brother insisted, desperation lending his voice a higher pitch. "And, besides, you're the one who just got married.3 One might even say you've come direct from the marriage bed. I'm told she's quite beautiful as well."
John flushed visibly. "You will not bring my wife into this."
"I won't if you'll talk to him." He smiled now, crossing his arms and regarding John smugly. "The fair Jacquetta. I hear she's young enough to be your daughter."4
"Shut up, Humphrey, or by God I'll--"
"You'll what? It's all true." Humphrey ducked as John aimed a blow at him. "Oh, come now, Johnny. When will you learn to accept compliments?"
"And when will you learn to keep your bloody mouth shut?" John snapped.
"I'll wager you for it."
"What?"
Humphrey shrugged. "I'll wager you for it. Rock, Paper, Scissors, best of three. I win, you tell him. You win, I tell him."
John looked deeply suspicious. But, eventually, he nodded.
The game went on for roughly ten minutes and they were tied at fifteen each. It did not help that each knew the other's strategy backwards and forwards, having spent many hours at Mass doing precisely this.
Finally, John sat back and sighed. "We both do it."
"How, precisely?"
"We both go in. And..."
"Speak in chorus?" Humphrey suggested snidely. "That won't be terrifying at all."
"He's a sensible boy. There's nothing to be terrified of."
Humphrey just looked at him.
"Oh, very well. We'll think it up as we go."
"I still think it's a terrible idea."
"Have you got anything better?"
***
In the end, they both had to do it. It was possibly the most excruciating half-hour in the lives of both brothers. And that included Agincourt.
Henry was seated on an overstuffed chair, regarding both of them in confusion. "Is something wrong, Uncle Gloucester? Uncle Bedford?"
A war of gazes ensued, that John promptly lost. "Not wrong, so to speak. But important. You, Henry, are now thirteen years of age, and there are certain...things you must know."
Henry blinked. "About what, Uncle? Has something happened in France?"
"No, nothing like that. France is...well, let's not get into that. Henry, you are a young man. And we shall need to find you a wife soon."
"A wife, Uncle?" His eyes widened. "But surely I am far too young!"
"Hardly, Henry," Humphrey put in. "Your cousin, Richard of York, was married when he was your age."5
"Yes, that he was," John agreed, shooting Humphrey a grateful look. "And he's now doing very well. Besides, a king needs heirs. And that," he took a deep breath, "is what we need to discuss with you."
"Heirs?"
"The begetting thereof." John's face was beginning to turn red again. This was not going well. "You see, Henry, God bade us to go forth and multiply--"
"Not to mention it can be quite enjoyable if done properly--Ow!" Humphrey rubbed his arm where John had punched it. "What was that for?"
"Irrelevance." He turned back to Henry. "Now. A man and a woman...you do know, Henry, how women are different from us?"
The blank expression on Henry's face spoke volumes.
"Oh, dear God," murmured John. "Why does he not know this? Aren't you responsible for his tutors?"
"I've had other things on my mind," Humphrey hissed. "Trying to keep the country from falling apart, I'm afraid."
John sighed. "How did Father explain it to you?"
"He didn't. I discovered it on my own." He smiled ruefully. "Harry helped."
"That explains a great deal." It was Humphrey's turn to hit him. John glared, but turned back to Henry, mindful of what scraps of dignity he still possessed, and began to explain. Indeed, he thought he'd done a fair job--with no help whatsoever from Humphrey, who had spent much of the ensuing time with his head in his hands, damn him--until he came to an end and waited for Henry's response.
"But, Uncle..." Henry swallowed. "It's a sin."
The two brothers looked at one another for a long moment.
"Well, yes. And no." Humphrey fiddled with one of his rings. "It depends on one's point of view, Henry."
"But it's in Scripture."
"Yes...but..."
"Scripture doesn't have a point of view. Does it?" Henry frowned.
"No, it doesn't. But the fact remains that a king must get heirs somehow, and that is the only way to do it," John concluded.
"And it's not a bad thing at all," Humphrey supplied. "Wherever did you think you came from?"
The immediate expression of horrified disbelief that stamped itself across Henry's face was testament to how well that had worked.
"Now you've done it," muttered John. "The boy thinks his mother's a saint."
"I heard otherwise."
"Humphrey, shut up, for God's sake."
"You should never canonise your own parents," Humphrey protested, stung. "It always ends badly. That's all." He turned to his nephew. "Henry?"
"Yes, Uncle?" The boy's eyes looked to fill half his face.
"Listen to me, Henry. I don't know if you've heard the story of your grandfather, but you must know that part of why things ended so very badly for King Richard was because he had no heir. And, if it better serves the realm, it is not such a sin, is it?"
"I..." Henry looked between the two of them, and finally nodded. "I suppose not."
"And don't worry, lad," Humphrey assured him with a smile. "We'll find a lovely princess for you, who will make you very happy."
***
Unfortunately, when the time did come for Henry to marry, Humphrey of Gloucester came to regret a number of things that had transpired that afternoon. He wished, not for the first time, that John were still here. Calm, sensible John, who could make even the fabled charms of Margaret of Anjou sound excruciatingly boring.
But John was buried far away in a France that was no longer theirs. And Henry--God help them all--would marry the French king's penniless niece for the promise of her smile. John would probably have pointed out that it was all his fault, and, for the first time in his fifty-four years, Humphrey would have agreed with him.
______________________________________________
NOTES
1. Back to France: John of Bedford was Regent of France from the death of Henry V in 1422 to his own death in 1436. This fic presupposes an unhistorical return to England in roughly 1434-5.
2. The Holland affair: Humphrey of Gloucester was briefly married to Jacqueline of Holland, who, at the time, was also married to John of Brabant. After an unsuccessful invasion to regain her territories, he divorced her and married her lady-in-waiting Eleanor Cobham. There is an account of a group of angry London women storming Parliament in 1428 to castigate him for adultery.
3. Just got married: Bedford's first wife, Anne of Burgundy, died in 1432, and he married Jacquetta de St. Pol less than a year later. Not mentioned in the plays.
4. Young enough to be your daughter: Jacquetta was seventeen and Bedford forty-three. By all accounts, she was exceptionally beautiful, as was her daughter by her second marriage, Elizabeth Woodville.
5. Richard of York: The exact date of his marriage to Cecily Neville is unknown, but she is listed as being the Duchess of York in her father's will of 1424, when she was nine and Richard thirteen. That being said, they were probably married in name only for a number of years after that.
Author: lareinenoire
Play: Somewhere during 1 Henry VI.
Character(s): John, Duke of Bedford; Humphrey, Duke of Gloucester; Henry VI
Summary: In the end, they both had to do it. It was possibly the most excruciating half-hour in the lives of both brothers. And that included Agincourt.
Notes: This is utter and complete crackfic, though with a surprisingly sober ending--it has come to my attention that no fic involving Henry VI can possibly end well. Title is an adaptation of Erasmus' Education of a Christian Prince. This fic is the fault of angevin2, who was kind enough to beta-read it for me. ;) And, yes, it also has footnotes.
"No." Humphrey, by the Grace of God and his now-deceased father, Duke of Gloucester, stared at his brother in pure, unadulterated horror. "You can't possibly be serious."
"Well, someone needs to tell him," John informed him reasonably. "You are the Lord Protector. I believe this falls under your jurisdiction."
"He prefers you."
"He barely sees me."
"Precisely. You won't need to face him afterward," Humphrey said. "You can go back to France.1 Put an ocean between yourself and him. You're obviously the superior choice."
"But your reputation precedes you, brother." John could not hide the smirk. "He's not forgotten the Holland affair, no matter how much you might wish it."2
"You see, that's hardly the example one should set," his brother insisted, desperation lending his voice a higher pitch. "And, besides, you're the one who just got married.3 One might even say you've come direct from the marriage bed. I'm told she's quite beautiful as well."
John flushed visibly. "You will not bring my wife into this."
"I won't if you'll talk to him." He smiled now, crossing his arms and regarding John smugly. "The fair Jacquetta. I hear she's young enough to be your daughter."4
"Shut up, Humphrey, or by God I'll--"
"You'll what? It's all true." Humphrey ducked as John aimed a blow at him. "Oh, come now, Johnny. When will you learn to accept compliments?"
"And when will you learn to keep your bloody mouth shut?" John snapped.
"I'll wager you for it."
"What?"
Humphrey shrugged. "I'll wager you for it. Rock, Paper, Scissors, best of three. I win, you tell him. You win, I tell him."
John looked deeply suspicious. But, eventually, he nodded.
The game went on for roughly ten minutes and they were tied at fifteen each. It did not help that each knew the other's strategy backwards and forwards, having spent many hours at Mass doing precisely this.
Finally, John sat back and sighed. "We both do it."
"How, precisely?"
"We both go in. And..."
"Speak in chorus?" Humphrey suggested snidely. "That won't be terrifying at all."
"He's a sensible boy. There's nothing to be terrified of."
Humphrey just looked at him.
"Oh, very well. We'll think it up as we go."
"I still think it's a terrible idea."
"Have you got anything better?"
***
In the end, they both had to do it. It was possibly the most excruciating half-hour in the lives of both brothers. And that included Agincourt.
Henry was seated on an overstuffed chair, regarding both of them in confusion. "Is something wrong, Uncle Gloucester? Uncle Bedford?"
A war of gazes ensued, that John promptly lost. "Not wrong, so to speak. But important. You, Henry, are now thirteen years of age, and there are certain...things you must know."
Henry blinked. "About what, Uncle? Has something happened in France?"
"No, nothing like that. France is...well, let's not get into that. Henry, you are a young man. And we shall need to find you a wife soon."
"A wife, Uncle?" His eyes widened. "But surely I am far too young!"
"Hardly, Henry," Humphrey put in. "Your cousin, Richard of York, was married when he was your age."5
"Yes, that he was," John agreed, shooting Humphrey a grateful look. "And he's now doing very well. Besides, a king needs heirs. And that," he took a deep breath, "is what we need to discuss with you."
"Heirs?"
"The begetting thereof." John's face was beginning to turn red again. This was not going well. "You see, Henry, God bade us to go forth and multiply--"
"Not to mention it can be quite enjoyable if done properly--Ow!" Humphrey rubbed his arm where John had punched it. "What was that for?"
"Irrelevance." He turned back to Henry. "Now. A man and a woman...you do know, Henry, how women are different from us?"
The blank expression on Henry's face spoke volumes.
"Oh, dear God," murmured John. "Why does he not know this? Aren't you responsible for his tutors?"
"I've had other things on my mind," Humphrey hissed. "Trying to keep the country from falling apart, I'm afraid."
John sighed. "How did Father explain it to you?"
"He didn't. I discovered it on my own." He smiled ruefully. "Harry helped."
"That explains a great deal." It was Humphrey's turn to hit him. John glared, but turned back to Henry, mindful of what scraps of dignity he still possessed, and began to explain. Indeed, he thought he'd done a fair job--with no help whatsoever from Humphrey, who had spent much of the ensuing time with his head in his hands, damn him--until he came to an end and waited for Henry's response.
"But, Uncle..." Henry swallowed. "It's a sin."
The two brothers looked at one another for a long moment.
"Well, yes. And no." Humphrey fiddled with one of his rings. "It depends on one's point of view, Henry."
"But it's in Scripture."
"Yes...but..."
"Scripture doesn't have a point of view. Does it?" Henry frowned.
"No, it doesn't. But the fact remains that a king must get heirs somehow, and that is the only way to do it," John concluded.
"And it's not a bad thing at all," Humphrey supplied. "Wherever did you think you came from?"
The immediate expression of horrified disbelief that stamped itself across Henry's face was testament to how well that had worked.
"Now you've done it," muttered John. "The boy thinks his mother's a saint."
"I heard otherwise."
"Humphrey, shut up, for God's sake."
"You should never canonise your own parents," Humphrey protested, stung. "It always ends badly. That's all." He turned to his nephew. "Henry?"
"Yes, Uncle?" The boy's eyes looked to fill half his face.
"Listen to me, Henry. I don't know if you've heard the story of your grandfather, but you must know that part of why things ended so very badly for King Richard was because he had no heir. And, if it better serves the realm, it is not such a sin, is it?"
"I..." Henry looked between the two of them, and finally nodded. "I suppose not."
"And don't worry, lad," Humphrey assured him with a smile. "We'll find a lovely princess for you, who will make you very happy."
***
Unfortunately, when the time did come for Henry to marry, Humphrey of Gloucester came to regret a number of things that had transpired that afternoon. He wished, not for the first time, that John were still here. Calm, sensible John, who could make even the fabled charms of Margaret of Anjou sound excruciatingly boring.
But John was buried far away in a France that was no longer theirs. And Henry--God help them all--would marry the French king's penniless niece for the promise of her smile. John would probably have pointed out that it was all his fault, and, for the first time in his fifty-four years, Humphrey would have agreed with him.
______________________________________________
NOTES
1. Back to France: John of Bedford was Regent of France from the death of Henry V in 1422 to his own death in 1436. This fic presupposes an unhistorical return to England in roughly 1434-5.
2. The Holland affair: Humphrey of Gloucester was briefly married to Jacqueline of Holland, who, at the time, was also married to John of Brabant. After an unsuccessful invasion to regain her territories, he divorced her and married her lady-in-waiting Eleanor Cobham. There is an account of a group of angry London women storming Parliament in 1428 to castigate him for adultery.
3. Just got married: Bedford's first wife, Anne of Burgundy, died in 1432, and he married Jacquetta de St. Pol less than a year later. Not mentioned in the plays.
4. Young enough to be your daughter: Jacquetta was seventeen and Bedford forty-three. By all accounts, she was exceptionally beautiful, as was her daughter by her second marriage, Elizabeth Woodville.
5. Richard of York: The exact date of his marriage to Cecily Neville is unknown, but she is listed as being the Duchess of York in her father's will of 1424, when she was nine and Richard thirteen. That being said, they were probably married in name only for a number of years after that.