Empty Inside.. I want to wake up

[thisismeag]

For 96 hours + I was 100% miserable, basically wanted to stop existing by any means possible. Not suicidal, but lifeless.
All I want is him. I just want my "hubby" back. I want to be his wife. I want to hold him, kiss him, love him beyond what words can express. I want to spy on him and Dorian because their love is priceless. I want to lay my head

Comments

[xfoundinabottle]

Dude, what did you DO?

[faceless_facade]

Seriously. I've been reading and not knowing what to say because it's so cryptic.

Regardless, I don't think this has all fallen on you. There were true and real issues that he was at fault for. Don't rewrite history in your head because you feel so helplessly guilty now. ((I mean that with so much kindness. Guilt is a very twisted emotion and can consume a person)) -hugs-

[thisismeag]

It hasn't all, but the main, trust-altering bits, they are mine to own.

Really, it comes down to.. I see now, after everything, what a golden person he truly is. And I feel like I will not be happy without him. I know I am capable of happiness on my own, but if only I just learned to appreciate what I have instead of seeking other things for happiness.... does this make sense?

[thisismeag]

Made contact with.. an old "lover", the one that caused all the mistrust in the first place. Yeah. It's actually pretty bad.

[jaleco]

I wanna throw this out there, but please don't hate on me for it. If you do so be it, but the more I've been reading lately I want to comment but can't because this is all I want to say.

I think you want what you can't have. You wanted out, so you left. Once you were settled you suddenly wanted him back. You got him back and then suddenly you did something horrible that you had to know would drive him away and lost him. Now he's gone and you want him again.

It's been like this for the few years I've known you (albeit online only) You guys are stuck in a horrible cycle and it's killing you both. You're linked through Dori so it's not as easy as cutting ties and moving on. But somethings gotta give before it goes too far.

Be good to yourself! I know you are all messed up right now, but you deserve to be happy. Dori deserves happy parents, (together or separate!)

I'm sorry, I just... I want to see you happy. I hate seeing you in such constant turmoil over this.

[thisismeag]

I don't hate on you for this. I consider all options. It really comes down to a trust issue, and I am not sure it will ever be solved fully.. but at the depth of me, I know we would be happy this (next) time. We both have basically nothing left to lose, and everything to gain.. its just a matter of him deciding if it is worth it or not.

Maybe I will PM you.

[jaleco]

Ah I feel really relieved... I had a bad bad bad reaction with a friend once and it's turned me off ever saying more than "hugs" these days.

I don't wanna push people away or not say anything you know? I want to talk things out with people and throw out ideas that might help them get insight from a different perspective... but then what if they don't want that, just need to let it out.

Bah, don't mind my ramblings! I just want you to be happy finally and completely. No buts.

[runlotusrun]

You need to stop having sex with him. You won't ever be able to make a clear, rational decision if you don't severe at least the physicality of the relationship.