heliotrope (heal me)
heliotrope (heal me)
kaisoo (jongin/kyungsoo).
pg.
slice of life, friendship, slight romance.
oneshot/~5500w.
Like how all flowers need sunlight, Jongin needs Kyungsoo.
HELIOTROPE (HEAL ME)
heliotrope - (n.) a Greek term once meaning "turn towards the sun", flowers that turn towards the sun became associated with this word. ©
•
They met by chance. A romantic would call it fate, but Jongin was never one for whimsical ideals and he likes to think that his meeting with Kyungsoo was the work of something even more powerful than mere fate.
No one could have seen it coming. Jongin, the boy who spent all his time in the practice rooms letting his muscles grow sore with music, could never cross paths with Kyungsoo, the new trainee in the vocal department with untapped talents. It just didn't make sense. Dancers socialized with dancers, and vocalists with vocalists.
Even Jongin himself was surprised when the boy introduced himself as a singer. Granted, Jongin didn't really think Kyungsoo's body resembled that of a dancer's to begin with, but he was never one to judge based on appearances; after all, fellow trainee Kim Minseok proved Jongin wrong in his 'ideal dancer body type' image.
"The vocals department is downstairs," Jongin informed a lost Kyungsoo the day they meet. Kyungsoo's mouth formed an 'o' shape, and Jongin thought the man looks so boyishly handsome that it was no wonder he got into SM.
"Ah, thank you," Kyungsoo said, bowing politely. He's about to leave, but there's a hesitant look on his face as he stood by the door, unmoving. Jongin waited expectantly for the man to go so he can continue practicing again. "You were really good, by the way," he said quietly, smiling a little. "How long have you been training?"
Jongin wasn't surprised at the compliment; it's not like he hadn't heard that before. Still, he was abashed at the admiring look in the stranger's eyes. "Four years," Jongin answered, unable to keep himself from smiling in the slightest.
Kyungsoo's eyes widened in shock at that, and Jongin didn't blame him. He was one of the older trainees, and it was always awkward having to introduce himself to the younger ones, because he knew what they must be thinking: Why haven't you debuted yet?
But instead, Kyungsoo actually astonished Jongin when he said, "Your hard work has really paid off."
Jongin stared, trying to pick up on some underlying message the man must be giving but getting nothing. "Thank you," was all he manages. He didn't know what else to say, but he knew one thing: there was something about this man in front of him that made him want to know more. So he asked next, "What's your name by the way?"
That surprised the trainee, who blinked once before answering, "I'm Kyungsoo. You?"
"Jongin."
Kyungsoo smiled at that, friendly and kind and something new for Jongin, who had gotten used to fakeness in this cut-throat world. Jongin almost feared for the new trainee, because innocence doesn't survive long when you're a trainee.
"It's nice to meet you, Jongin," Kyungsoo finally said. "Well, I better get going." He bowed once more, and Jongin did the same out of politeness.
"Maybe I'll see you around?" Jongin asked, watching as Kyungsoo disappeared behind the door.
"Maybe," was Kyungsoo's reply, and Jongin couldn't remember feeling this giddy in a while.
-
Kyungsoo knew who Jongin was the moment he saw the younger dance. Or, at least, he thought he knew. After all, this was Kim Jongin, who had rumors going around that this boy, this seedling full of hope and life, would be SM's brightest flower.
The rumors of the way he dances don't do him justice, Kyungsoo decided as he breathlessly watched Jongin through his reflection.
Running into the trainee was a mistake. Kyungsoo never planned on crossing paths with Jongin, never thought he'd have to either. So after running into Jongin at the practice room, he thought that was a one-time deal.
Kyungsoo was wrong. Very wrong.
The next time they saw each other was in the cafeteria. Kyungsoo was sitting with some other vocalist trainees he met during practice when he saw Jongin out of the corner of his eye. He was sitting with other trainees, laughing and eating. Kyungsoo recognized one of the trainees - Junmyeon was one of the older trainees in his vocal practice group. From what Kyungsoo could remember, he practiced just as long, if not longer, than Jongin.
Unfortunately, Kyungsoo was never good at subtlety, as Jongin seemed to notice his stares; after a few minutes, the trainee looked over and their eyes met. Kyungsoo didn't know what he expected, but a smile definitely wasn't it.
There was something different about his smile, something hopeful and pure and beautiful, that made Kyungsoo blink just to make sure he wouldn't go blind from it.
Before he could even register what was happening, Jongin stood up and started walking straight his way. Kyungsoo wasn't stupid, but that didn't make the whole event any less confusing than it was. What would an old trainee like Jongin want to do with Kyungsoo?
"Hey," Jongin greeted Kyungsoo as if this was a totally normal thing, as if they hadn't just met a few days ago by chance. "Do you want to come eat with us?" he asked, tilting his head over to his group of friends who were busy laughing about something.
Kyungsoo raised an eyebrow. He could feel the other singers looking at him, and he couldn't really blame them. Even he was caught off-guard by this. "Um," he started, looking at his friends who were staring at him expectantly, waiting for an answer as much as Jongin was. "Sure?" It came out sounding like a question, because Kyungsoo wasn't sure what was actually happening.
"Cool," Jongin replied, smiling. Kyungsoo's brain was not processing as he said "see you" to the singers and walked over to Jongin's table where his friends were sitting.
Kyungsoo vaguely recognized some of the trainees Jongin introduced him to. He'd seen Chanyeol around before, and he'd seen Jongin with a couple of his friends before, like Sehun, practicing. But this was his first time talking to them.
For older, more experienced trainees, they weren't as bad as Kyungsoo feared. They didn't brag - well, maybe they did, but only jokingly - and they were easy-going and friendly. But Kyungsoo didn't really pay much attention to them, because Jongin stole all of that.
"So, how are you liking SM so far?" Jongin asked as he took a bite of his sandwich. There wasn't much left of it, but Jongin seemed to slow down eating as he talked to Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo decided not to mention that he'd been a trainee for a couple of weeks now when he answered, "It's nice here. Everyone seems pretty hard-working."
Jongin nodded somberly, as if seriously letting the off-handed comment Kyungsoo threw out sink in as he mulled it over. "Yeah, we kind of have to. There are so many of us, but so few groups to debut in. You just can't be ordinary to debut."
It was Kyungsoo's turn to nod now. After all, he didn't need to be told that; it was already well-known that getting into SM wasn't enough - it was a mere step to becoming an idol. Kyungsoo only felt the excitement of becoming a trainee for a day before he realized just how hard he would have to work to be noticed among a crowd of people just as talented as him.
"But don't worry. If you love what you do, training should be a blast," Jongin reassured him when he noticed Kyungsoo's silence. "How long have you been singing?" Jongin smoothly transitioned into the next topic.
"Since elementary school," Kyungsoo answered, feeling more at ease with a familiar topic. "I used to sing with my best friend all the time. He's actually a trainee over at Cube."
Jongin raised an eyebrow in interest. "Really? Is he going to debut?"
"I'm not allowed to say but"- Kyungsoo lowered his voice into a whisper -"yeah." Jongin's eyes widened, and Kyungsoo bit back a grin. He was proud of Hyunsik. Even if part of him was jealous of the other, he was truly happy for the man, because Hyunsik deserved to be an idol.
"Wow, that's amazing," Jongin breathed.
"Yep. What about you? How long have you been dancing?" Kyungsoo asked as he ate a spoonful of rice.
"Elementary school, too," Jongin replied with a smile. "I actually auditioned for SM when I was younger, but they told to me come back when I was older."
"Wow," Kyungsoo said in amazement. He never would have even dreamed of auditioning so young; in fact, he wasn't even sure if he wanted to be an idol back then. Sure, it was something he dreamed of, but he never thought of making it possible until later on.
Kyungsoo wasn't exactly sure how much time passed as Jongin and him exchanged old stories of how they got into what they now call their passions and the people they've met along the way, but before they knew it, everyone at their lunch table had cleared and it was just the two of them. Kyungsoo had practice coming up, and from the way Jongin looked at the clock with reluctance, he could tell Jongin did too.
Still, it was surprisingly hard to part ways with the boy he just met.
"I have practice in fifteen minutes," Jongin said, trailing off at the end.
"Me too," Kyungsoo replied, playing with the plastic trash on his tray. He didn't want to leave, but he had to.
"So... I guess I'll see you around?" Jongin asked, a small frown on his lips that he tried to hide but Kyungsoo could already tell the boy probably wasn't good with concealing emotions.
"Yeah. Maybe we can have lunch together tomorrow?" Kyungsoo offered, hating the way Jongin looked so disappointed. Luckily, that seemed to do the trick as the corners of Jongin's lips quirked and the light in his eyes seemed to reappear again.
"Yeah!" Jongin exclaimed enthusiastically. "Same time?"
"Sure," Kyungsoo chuckled, amazed at the way Jongin's entire mood could change so easily. They parted ways after, and Kyungsoo found himself more interested in the trainee than he expected.
Kyungsoo was never about making a splash; instead, he wanted to create ripples of effects. He was never about the spotlight, while Jongin never escaped it. Meeting Jongin wasn't a part of Kyungsoo's plan.
But somewhere among tip-toeing around quietly, Jongin noticed him and dragged him in. And before Kyungsoo even realized his own seeds were planted, their roots were so intertwined that to take out one would be to take out both.
-
When Kyungsoo learned that Jongin was younger than him, he laughed. When Jongin learned that Kyungsoo was older than him, he sputtered and grew red in the face with embarrassment.
"Just drop it," Kyungsoo told Jongin as he continued apologizing. "Seriously, we've made it this far without the formalities, so may as well continue."
Jongin's eyes widened at that. "B-But-"
"No buts. I'm the older one here, so what I say, goes," Kyungsoo teased. "Besides, this is way too funny to even make a big deal out of. I can't believe we've known each other for weeks but we didn't even know each others' ages."
Jongin felt honored and touched, and slightly ashamed, as he watched Kyungsoo flip open a magazine. In their free time - what little they had of that together - Kyungsoo and Jongin would usually study together, or at least try to. Jongin didn't know why he didn't realize Kyungsoo was older before - the man had classes in higher levels than him - but maybe it was because Kyungsoo never felt older than him. Not that Kyungsoo felt younger either, but they just clicked so well that Jongin felt like age never mattered.
And so age didn't matter. Once Kyungsoo settled the whole situation, the two went on normally. Everyone was surprised when they first heard the two speaking informally with each other, but Jongin and Kyungsoo shrugged it off. Who cared what other people thought? No one understood them like they did each other.
Jongin had a lot of friends at SM. It would be hard surviving in SM for so long without friends, of course. But no one had ever been to him what Kyungsoo was. Kyungsoo was quiet and guarded at times, and loud and playful at others. He was different, and Jongin liked it.
Unfortunately, with their busy practice schedules, Jongin found himself missing Kyungsoo more than he liked to admit. Kyungsoo would often invite him out to grab a bite, but Jongin could never take the time out to even leave the building for lunch. Every now and then, he'd make an exception, but it was never often enough.
Luckily, Kyungsoo seemed to understand. He never complained or accused Jongin of being a workaholic, as Jongin's other 'friends' have so kindly called him. Kyungsoo understood Jongin's love for dance and his need to debut so he could keep dancing, and so Kyungsoo never questioned it.
It wasn't until one month after they met that Jongin realized he'd never heard Kyungsoo sing before. It was silly, because Jongin had heard Kyungsoo talk about singing before, and he'd even heard other trainees talk about Kyungsoo's voice too, but he'd never heard it for himself. Part of him was so ashamed that he'd never noticed it before that he couldn't even straight-out ask Kyungsoo to sing for him, because that would be admitting the truth.
Which was why Jongin learned Kyungsoo's schedule and figured out the times when he didn't have practice and Jongin did. It took some time, but eventually, he found a perfect time slot for him to sneak over and wait outside the practice room. When he heard someone call Kyungsoo's name, he actually held his breath in anticipation.
Jongin already knew Kyungsoo would be a good singer. After all, no one talks so passionately about something they're not good at. But that still didn't even prepare Jongin in the slightest for the wave of emotions he felt when he heard Kyungsoo sing.
His voice was smooth and deep and it sounded so much like Kyungsoo that it rocked him to his core. He never knew music could move him unless he was dancing until he heard how Kyungsoo sounded without a soundtrack, just pure vocals and talent.
There was not a bone in Jongin's body that doubted Kyungsoo would debut, so he instead spent his time hoping he could debut with Kyungsoo.
-
Not much time passed before Kyungsoo was informed that SM had plans for him to be in their next boy group, the same one Jongin was confirmed in. He was excited beyond words, because not only was he actually being considered for debut, but he may be able to debut with Jongin.
Their practice schedules started aligning similarly soon after. They worked even harder, even longer, and so time together grew even more scarce. Still, Kyungsoo and Jongin found time in between to grab boba together or just spend time in a practice room, lounging around and talking.
The saying 'absence makes the heart grow fond' rang true as Kyungsoo found himself thinking more about Jongin as time passed. He wondered if Jongin ate enough that day - which was a silly thought because Jongin's second love to dancing was probably eating - or if Jongin got enough sleep the night before. They tended to stay up texting each other at night, even though a lot of that time was Kyungsoo telling Jongin to get to bed.Jongin was not a princess in distress, that much Kyungsoo had to remind himself repeatedly. Even though it was tempting to want to save Jongin, he knew that the younger was capable of lifting himself back up without any help. It's a quality Kyungsoo admired in the younger since day one.
But even strength wears out over time. Kyungsoo noticed Jongin's tired eyes and bruised legs one day when they're in the practice room, sneaking snacks and talking about school as they caught up after not seeing each other for a full week.
"Hey, are you okay?" Kyungsoo asked, frown pressed into his lips and worry lines etched into his forehead as he eyed Jongin's worn out form.
"Yeah," Jongin replied breezily, but that old spark in his voice was gone. It had been gone, and Kyungsoo tried telling himself it didn't bother him as much as it obviously did. He could see the edges of Jongin's once bright and young flower petals start to droop, but he knew he couldn't hold them up for him, no matter how much he wanted to.
"Hmm, you're taking care of yourself, right?" Kyungsoo pressed on, unable to tear his eyes away from a particular yellow bruise on Jongin's calf. It was huge, and Kyungsoo practically winced at the mere thought of how he may have gotten it.
"Yes, mother," Jongin answered, rolling his eyes as he popped a chip into his mouth. If their instructor saw them eating shrimp chips, they'd surely chew them out.
Kyungsoo sighed - Jongin was hopeless and stubborn, and Kyungsoo just as bad as he knew all this yet still persisted in trying to take care of the younger. "Whatever. Just know that if I ever find out you passed out during practice one of these days, I will personally kick your ass."
Jongin grinned at that, nudging Kyungsoo with his foot playfully as Kyungsoo nudged back. "I wouldn't have it any other way."
So practice pushed on and Kyungsoo and Jongin went about their days, surviving on energy drinks, rice, and late night text messages to each other.
One night, Kyungsoo was staying late at the building at his instructor's request. He was working on high notes, and practice ended around ten. Mostly everyone had already left by then, and all of the practice rooms were empty except for one.
Kyungsoo remembered a scene similar to this. The second day of his training, he was there late and he saw the exact same room had its lights on. He was too scared back then to look in, but that night, he was feeling extra brave. He walked over, trying his best to stay quiet as he slowly twisted the door knob and peeked in.
He didn't know whether to laugh or cry because part of him couldn't believe it and the other part of him wasn't surprised at all. Dancing in front of him was none other than Jongin, eyes focused on his own reflection and sweat clear on his forehead. Kyungsoo was tempted to storm in, throw his towel at the younger and demand he go home and rest, but the look of sheer determination in Jongin's eyes had Kyungsoo stuck at the door the same way it did the day they met.
After watching Jongin for a while - it was always hard for Kyungsoo to tear his eyes away from the younger when he danced - Kyungsoo finally closed the door just as quietly as he came. The last image of Jongin he had was that of a flower, barely standing but still trying and still managing to outshine the rest.
It wasn't until Kyungsoo arrived home that he texted Jongin: next time you stay late, tell me so i can join you :P
-
It's hard being in the entertainment business without attaining a few scratches here and there. Jongin had been in for so long that sometimes he forgot he even had scars to begin with; they were already starting to heal over, scars replacing them. He kept them hidden, of course, because no one in their right mind talked about their scratches and scars.
No one until Kyungsoo came along.
Jongin didn't think Kyungsoo brought them up on purpose though. They were just talking about practice and how their sleeping patterns were becoming worse and worse, and Kyungsoo stumbled onto the topic.
Jongin knew he shouldn't have been scared around Kyungsoo, but for the first time, he hesitated. He didn't want to talk about these scars he had, didn't want to talk about the scars he knew Kyungsoo must have had by then.
So at first, he ignored it. Every time Kyungsoo mentioned anything triggering, Jongin skimmed past it and pushed onto the next subject. At first, he thought Kyungsoo didn't notice anything wrong, but then again, Kyungsoo seemed to notice everything, whether he wanted it or not.
"You're going to have to talk about it some time," Kyungsoo murmured, voice dropping as Jongin attempted to talk about his lunch.
Jongin looked up, more afraid than startled, and Kyungsoo just stared. Jongin knew Kyungsoo would never push it, but for the first time, Jongin felt ready to tell his story, the full story that told everything, even the parts of Jongin he was ashamed of, the parts with rejection and shame.
Even though Jongin did not need help, that didn't mean he didn't want it. Kyungsoo somehow always knew when to be there, and Jongin never knew a friend like that, never knew he needed a friend like that before.
Kyungsoo may not have been there from the beginning. When Jongin was starting his dream, Kyungsoo was only beginning to think about his own.
But that never mattered to Jongin, because it always felt as if Kyungsoo was there before everyone else, before anything else.
-
When the last two members of what would be EXO joined SM, Kyungsoo was excited. From what he heard, the two were talented vocals. He'd even feel threatened if it weren't for the fact that he was already confirmed as a set member by then.
Baekhyun and Jongdae were quiet at first, and Kyungsoo understood their hesitation - joining a group so late in the game was rare and was bound to bring gossip and jealousy - but Kyungsoo got along with them well. After finding out that Baekhyun was set to debut in EXO-K with him, he spent more time with the older trainee. Baekhyun turned out to be really funny, and Kyungsoo didn't mind going out to eat lunch with him every so often.
He didn't even notice how much time he was spending with Baekhyun, but Jongin apparently did.
"You don't like them more than me, right?" Jongin asked, frowning slightly as he watched Kyungsoo stretch before laying on the floor, tired and sweaty. Kyungsoo was talking about Baekhyun and Jongdae's progress and he practically watched as the displeasure settled onto Jongin's face.
"Don't be silly," Kyungsoo replies, stifling a yawn. "It's just nice meeting other singers, that's all."
Jongin was quiet at that, and Kyungsoo didn't think much of it. "I was thinking about focusing more on my singing."
That threw Kyungsoo for a loop. From what he could tell, Jongin had always been fine with taking rapping. His only shown interest in singing was whenever it had to do with Kyungsoo.
"Really?" Kyungsoo asked, eyebrow raised. He glanced over at Jongin, who was on his stomach beside him, arms propping his head up as he stared off into the distance.
"Mhm," Jongin hummed, sounding in thought. Kyungsoo wished he could know everything going on in the younger's head. He always seemed to be full of thoughts deeper than Kyungsoo thought possible for such a young man.
"Should I ask why, or is this just a spur of the moment thing?" Kyungsoo asked playfully. After all, Jongin has expressed interest in pursuing many hobbies, but they all eventually dwindle down, leading to dance again and again.
"I'm serious," Jongin mumbled, and Kyungsoo just chuckled.
"You're oddly cute when you're jealous," Kyungsoo said instead, unaware of the flush making its way up Jongin's face that he could only attempt to blame on dance practice.
"I'm not." Jongin pouted, but that only made Kyungsoo laugh even more. He turned his head and flashed a smile at Jongin, who turned away. Kyungsoo took the chance to stare at Jongin's side profile. He'd grown thinner lately, and even Kyungsoo's attempt to stuff food from home into him didn't seem enough. The leaves around him were brown and wilting, and Kyungsoo bit his lip in fear for his petals that were sure to be next.
But before he could worry any more, Jongin turned back around, ears still red. "You're still with me though, right?" Jongin asked, catching Kyungsoo off-guard. He was seriously still caught up over this?
Kyungsoo, not knowing what else to do, only laughed and said, "Of course." After all, Kyungsoo couldn't be without Jongin just as much as Jongin couldn't be without Kyungsoo. It was a scary thing, putting so much into one person, but Kyungsoo knew if there was someone he could trust, it was Jongin.
-
When Jongin and Kyungsoo were assigned the same room in their new dorms, there were mixed reactions. Jongin was, of course, excited at the idea of having more time to spend with Kyungsoo, but at the same time worried because he's not exactly the most ideal roommate to have. He left messes everywhere in his own room, and rarely cleaned up despite his mother's constant pleas.
His concerns died after just a week with Kyungsoo. Apparently Kyungsoo filled in all the holes Jongin had; where Jongin was unkempt, Kyungsoo was clean. Even if Kyungsoo grumbled about the mess, he still kept everything orderly.
It had been over a year now, and Jongin and Kyungsoo were not sure where they stood with each other. They were friends and now roommates, but also too close to be just that. Yet Kyungsoo was not Jongin's best friend; he was something more than that. He was a quiet guardian, a hidden protector in the form of a listener, a companion that Jongin trusted more than he knew safe.
With the extra time allowed between the two thanks to the rooming situation, they found more time to talk. Their conversations grew deeper without the looming dangers of being interrupted. In the comforts of their room, it was just the two of them. They discussed everything from politics to ambitions, dreams to passions.
In some ways, talking together was like looking into a mirror; they had such similar world views that it was no wonder they worked together so well. But in other ways, it was a whole new world for them both, fascinating and promising. Kyungsoo was a door to somewhere peaceful and quiet, while Jongin was a step into a field full of daisies and butterflies, full of beauty.
Occasionally they would talk about their dating lives, old and future ones. Kyungsoo told Jongin about his long-time girlfriend who he broke up with a few weeks into training when he couldn't focus on their relationship any longer, and Jongin found himself feeling stupidly vain and proud that he managed to stay when she couldn't. Jongin didn't have many stories to tell, most of his life consumed with training, but he did recount old crushes and failed romances he attempted, Kyungsoo stifling laughter at Jongin.
Sometimes, Jongin wondered if Kyungsoo noticed the slight undertones of 'it's you, it's only you' whenever Jongin talked about his ideal type, and sometimes he wondered if he was making it up in his head when he thought Kyungsoo's ideal sounded a lot like himself. Even so, he tried his best to stuff those thoughts deep, deep down, because there was too much at risk to let something like love - it had to be that; nothing else made sense - get in the way of all their hard work.
Still, Jongin stayed hopeful, even if it felt stupid to even want to try when he knew it was impossible. Not 'impossible' like the 'you becoming an idol is impossible' his uncle told him when he was in middle school, or even the 'impossible' he got when people told him his training schedule was insane. It was 'impossible' as in 'reality would never allow you to love another man if you ever plan to be in the public's eye,' and that was the worst impossible Jongin had ever felt in a long time.
But the way Kyungsoo smiled at him during practice had him holding on. The fact that intimacy between them wasn't always them being alone, that intimacy sometimes was them locking eyes in a crowded room and understanding each other immediately, told Jongin that what they had was worth trying for.
And that's why Jongin didn't hesitate when he told Kyungsoo, "I love you," one night when all the lights were off, the two whispering to each other fantasies of their soon-to-be lives. He wasn't quite sure if he meant in a platonic way or something more, but once the words were laid in front of them, there was no taking them back. Kyungsoo was silent at first, and Jongin wondered if he said the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Then Kyungsoo quietly replied, "I love you too," followed by a, "Good night." Jongin barely got in a response, too confused on the older's reply and why it should have been everything he wanted yet felt as if it wasn't quite enough.
-
Jongin was distant after that. He still talked to Kyungsoo, still sat at the same lunch table with him, still discussed practice with him, but he wasn't the same and Kyungsoo noticed.
Even if Kyungsoo wanted to do something about it though, he couldn't. With their debut looming closer and closer, they were all pushed into even longer practices. Any free time they had was spent eating or sleeping. Jongin especially was pushed to his limits, as if his old practice schedule wasn't crazy enough. Kyungsoo could barely even stay awake to see the younger come back home at night any longer.
Once the filming of the teasers started, things only got worse. Jongin practically didn't even come home anymore it seemed, and every time he was there, Kyungsoo wasn't. Kyungsoo only knew of Jongin what he heard from the others, and what he was hearing wasn't settling well in Kyungsoo's stomach; apparently, Jongin looked exhausted. Make-up worked wonders on Jongin, but gallons of it couldn't cover the fatigue crippling his body.
But Kyungsoo's breaking point ended up being the night Jongin came home, arms over their manager's shoulder as he limped into their shared bedroom.
Kyungsoo didn't even know what to feel when he saw the pained look on Jongin's face. His petals were falling to the floor, and Kyungsoo could only watch helplessly as they did. He felt angry and hurt and annoyed and so many other things that only Jongin could make him feel.
Yet the moment the manager left, closing the door behind him, all Kyungsoo could do was walk over to Jongin and wrap his arms around him, breathing in the smell of Jongin that he had come to know so well and miss.
"I'm fine," Jongin mumbled, stiffening in Kyungsoo's hold but not pushing him away. "Seriously, I'm okay." But the way he said it was tired, and Kyungsoo has never heard Jongin sound so lifeless so he just holds him tighter.
Kyungsoo sighed into Jongin's shoulder. Part of him wanted to tell Jongin to stop over-working himself, but he knew that just wasn't even possible for the younger. So instead he just held Jongin and hoped he understood everything he was trying to say.
The moment was intimate and it said everything their words wouldn't allow them to and it was enough for then, for both of them. Jongin fell asleep in Kyungsoo's arms, and everything felt like the way it should have been, should always be.
Arms held tight around Jongin, Kyungsoo can only whisper countless apologies into Jongin's hair as the younger sleeps. The future was a lot less blurry from then on, yet a lot more frightening. It could tear them apart, but Kyungsoo had no intentions of letting that happen; Jongin was his. Jongin would always be his, somehow in some way.
-
The moment comes and it feels surreal. Kyungsoo's nerves are on edge, but he holds it in as he glances out into the audience, blinking twice as the lights catch his eye. He can't believe it; it's finally here. Everything has led up to this moment on this stage with these members surrounding him.
"EXO on in five!"
Kyungsoo glances over at Jongin, whose eyes are glazed over, breaths slow and uneven. His last petal hangs loosely, swaying back and forth despite the thick air. Kyungsoo places a hand on Jongin's arm, and their eyes meet for a moment.
"Five!"
You're going to be great.
"Four!"
Jongin smiles shakily, mouthing, Thank you. For everything. The last part is unspoken, but Kyungsoo hears it past the screaming crowds, past the buzz of the equipment, through the pounding of his heart.
"Three!"
And like how the sun beams so proudly down at all it's aided, Kyungsoo returns Jongin's smile.
"Two!"
A million flashes, voices, and expectations crowd them.
"One."
The light is almost blinding, but Jongin looks to Kyungsoo and he knows the way. Life starts all over again as the last petal falls off, drifting out into the audience. Kyungsoo watches it go, whispers a quiet goodbye, and lets the music take him away.
At the end of the performance, Kyungsoo notices the new roots at Jongin's feet and lets out a breath he forgot he'd taken. I'll take better care of you this time.
•
a/n:
- this fic is hella old and was actually accidentally made public when it was just bare bones and stuff ahhhh but i finally picked it back up and revamped it and well i'm kind of glad i did? although i was at first unsure if i wanted to do this (how could any fic actually do the real them and their story justice), i like the idea of nonau kaisoo, and this isn't the first time i attempted it (freefall (into my arms) was the first try and well, i didn't really write it with the thought of trying to portray kaisoo as kaisoo, but rather as just a romance, so i'm not entirely pleased with how it ended), but i really tried to put every part of the kaisoo lover in me into this and idk i hope it worked out.
- obviously the biggest inspiration for this was jongin's mini-documentary about his trainee life (ft. taemin and taekai was so cute i died). also the fact that jongin and kyungsoo named each other as the member who left the strongest first impression on each other, and that kyungsoo named jongin as the most mature member! kaisoo is so bts and i love it
- lol i just realized the title of this bares a very obvious resemblance to intoxicated (invigorate me) which gives away my love alliteration, if you haven't noticed it yet, and i'm sorry but at the same time this fic came before intoxicated actually so yeah. i have no plans of changing it.
- many thanks to mayu for reading this for me!!
- if you see any tense mistakes, please throw them my way because i started out the fic as all in present tense but changed it so yeah u_u feel free to throw any mistakes my way actually and just give me CC in general please lol
- thank you for reading! this fic was fun to write but i'm nervous to post it because idk how does one every truly, properly portray her otp in a way worth of them? idk.
kaisoo (jongin/kyungsoo).
pg.
slice of life, friendship, slight romance.
oneshot/~5500w.
Like how all flowers need sunlight, Jongin needs Kyungsoo.
HELIOTROPE (HEAL ME)
heliotrope - (n.) a Greek term once meaning "turn towards the sun", flowers that turn towards the sun became associated with this word. ©
•
They met by chance. A romantic would call it fate, but Jongin was never one for whimsical ideals and he likes to think that his meeting with Kyungsoo was the work of something even more powerful than mere fate.
No one could have seen it coming. Jongin, the boy who spent all his time in the practice rooms letting his muscles grow sore with music, could never cross paths with Kyungsoo, the new trainee in the vocal department with untapped talents. It just didn't make sense. Dancers socialized with dancers, and vocalists with vocalists.
Even Jongin himself was surprised when the boy introduced himself as a singer. Granted, Jongin didn't really think Kyungsoo's body resembled that of a dancer's to begin with, but he was never one to judge based on appearances; after all, fellow trainee Kim Minseok proved Jongin wrong in his 'ideal dancer body type' image.
"The vocals department is downstairs," Jongin informed a lost Kyungsoo the day they meet. Kyungsoo's mouth formed an 'o' shape, and Jongin thought the man looks so boyishly handsome that it was no wonder he got into SM.
"Ah, thank you," Kyungsoo said, bowing politely. He's about to leave, but there's a hesitant look on his face as he stood by the door, unmoving. Jongin waited expectantly for the man to go so he can continue practicing again. "You were really good, by the way," he said quietly, smiling a little. "How long have you been training?"
Jongin wasn't surprised at the compliment; it's not like he hadn't heard that before. Still, he was abashed at the admiring look in the stranger's eyes. "Four years," Jongin answered, unable to keep himself from smiling in the slightest.
Kyungsoo's eyes widened in shock at that, and Jongin didn't blame him. He was one of the older trainees, and it was always awkward having to introduce himself to the younger ones, because he knew what they must be thinking: Why haven't you debuted yet?
But instead, Kyungsoo actually astonished Jongin when he said, "Your hard work has really paid off."
Jongin stared, trying to pick up on some underlying message the man must be giving but getting nothing. "Thank you," was all he manages. He didn't know what else to say, but he knew one thing: there was something about this man in front of him that made him want to know more. So he asked next, "What's your name by the way?"
That surprised the trainee, who blinked once before answering, "I'm Kyungsoo. You?"
"Jongin."
Kyungsoo smiled at that, friendly and kind and something new for Jongin, who had gotten used to fakeness in this cut-throat world. Jongin almost feared for the new trainee, because innocence doesn't survive long when you're a trainee.
"It's nice to meet you, Jongin," Kyungsoo finally said. "Well, I better get going." He bowed once more, and Jongin did the same out of politeness.
"Maybe I'll see you around?" Jongin asked, watching as Kyungsoo disappeared behind the door.
"Maybe," was Kyungsoo's reply, and Jongin couldn't remember feeling this giddy in a while.
-
Kyungsoo knew who Jongin was the moment he saw the younger dance. Or, at least, he thought he knew. After all, this was Kim Jongin, who had rumors going around that this boy, this seedling full of hope and life, would be SM's brightest flower.
The rumors of the way he dances don't do him justice, Kyungsoo decided as he breathlessly watched Jongin through his reflection.
Running into the trainee was a mistake. Kyungsoo never planned on crossing paths with Jongin, never thought he'd have to either. So after running into Jongin at the practice room, he thought that was a one-time deal.
Kyungsoo was wrong. Very wrong.
The next time they saw each other was in the cafeteria. Kyungsoo was sitting with some other vocalist trainees he met during practice when he saw Jongin out of the corner of his eye. He was sitting with other trainees, laughing and eating. Kyungsoo recognized one of the trainees - Junmyeon was one of the older trainees in his vocal practice group. From what Kyungsoo could remember, he practiced just as long, if not longer, than Jongin.
Unfortunately, Kyungsoo was never good at subtlety, as Jongin seemed to notice his stares; after a few minutes, the trainee looked over and their eyes met. Kyungsoo didn't know what he expected, but a smile definitely wasn't it.
There was something different about his smile, something hopeful and pure and beautiful, that made Kyungsoo blink just to make sure he wouldn't go blind from it.
Before he could even register what was happening, Jongin stood up and started walking straight his way. Kyungsoo wasn't stupid, but that didn't make the whole event any less confusing than it was. What would an old trainee like Jongin want to do with Kyungsoo?
"Hey," Jongin greeted Kyungsoo as if this was a totally normal thing, as if they hadn't just met a few days ago by chance. "Do you want to come eat with us?" he asked, tilting his head over to his group of friends who were busy laughing about something.
Kyungsoo raised an eyebrow. He could feel the other singers looking at him, and he couldn't really blame them. Even he was caught off-guard by this. "Um," he started, looking at his friends who were staring at him expectantly, waiting for an answer as much as Jongin was. "Sure?" It came out sounding like a question, because Kyungsoo wasn't sure what was actually happening.
"Cool," Jongin replied, smiling. Kyungsoo's brain was not processing as he said "see you" to the singers and walked over to Jongin's table where his friends were sitting.
Kyungsoo vaguely recognized some of the trainees Jongin introduced him to. He'd seen Chanyeol around before, and he'd seen Jongin with a couple of his friends before, like Sehun, practicing. But this was his first time talking to them.
For older, more experienced trainees, they weren't as bad as Kyungsoo feared. They didn't brag - well, maybe they did, but only jokingly - and they were easy-going and friendly. But Kyungsoo didn't really pay much attention to them, because Jongin stole all of that.
"So, how are you liking SM so far?" Jongin asked as he took a bite of his sandwich. There wasn't much left of it, but Jongin seemed to slow down eating as he talked to Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo decided not to mention that he'd been a trainee for a couple of weeks now when he answered, "It's nice here. Everyone seems pretty hard-working."
Jongin nodded somberly, as if seriously letting the off-handed comment Kyungsoo threw out sink in as he mulled it over. "Yeah, we kind of have to. There are so many of us, but so few groups to debut in. You just can't be ordinary to debut."
It was Kyungsoo's turn to nod now. After all, he didn't need to be told that; it was already well-known that getting into SM wasn't enough - it was a mere step to becoming an idol. Kyungsoo only felt the excitement of becoming a trainee for a day before he realized just how hard he would have to work to be noticed among a crowd of people just as talented as him.
"But don't worry. If you love what you do, training should be a blast," Jongin reassured him when he noticed Kyungsoo's silence. "How long have you been singing?" Jongin smoothly transitioned into the next topic.
"Since elementary school," Kyungsoo answered, feeling more at ease with a familiar topic. "I used to sing with my best friend all the time. He's actually a trainee over at Cube."
Jongin raised an eyebrow in interest. "Really? Is he going to debut?"
"I'm not allowed to say but"- Kyungsoo lowered his voice into a whisper -"yeah." Jongin's eyes widened, and Kyungsoo bit back a grin. He was proud of Hyunsik. Even if part of him was jealous of the other, he was truly happy for the man, because Hyunsik deserved to be an idol.
"Wow, that's amazing," Jongin breathed.
"Yep. What about you? How long have you been dancing?" Kyungsoo asked as he ate a spoonful of rice.
"Elementary school, too," Jongin replied with a smile. "I actually auditioned for SM when I was younger, but they told to me come back when I was older."
"Wow," Kyungsoo said in amazement. He never would have even dreamed of auditioning so young; in fact, he wasn't even sure if he wanted to be an idol back then. Sure, it was something he dreamed of, but he never thought of making it possible until later on.
Kyungsoo wasn't exactly sure how much time passed as Jongin and him exchanged old stories of how they got into what they now call their passions and the people they've met along the way, but before they knew it, everyone at their lunch table had cleared and it was just the two of them. Kyungsoo had practice coming up, and from the way Jongin looked at the clock with reluctance, he could tell Jongin did too.
Still, it was surprisingly hard to part ways with the boy he just met.
"I have practice in fifteen minutes," Jongin said, trailing off at the end.
"Me too," Kyungsoo replied, playing with the plastic trash on his tray. He didn't want to leave, but he had to.
"So... I guess I'll see you around?" Jongin asked, a small frown on his lips that he tried to hide but Kyungsoo could already tell the boy probably wasn't good with concealing emotions.
"Yeah. Maybe we can have lunch together tomorrow?" Kyungsoo offered, hating the way Jongin looked so disappointed. Luckily, that seemed to do the trick as the corners of Jongin's lips quirked and the light in his eyes seemed to reappear again.
"Yeah!" Jongin exclaimed enthusiastically. "Same time?"
"Sure," Kyungsoo chuckled, amazed at the way Jongin's entire mood could change so easily. They parted ways after, and Kyungsoo found himself more interested in the trainee than he expected.
Kyungsoo was never about making a splash; instead, he wanted to create ripples of effects. He was never about the spotlight, while Jongin never escaped it. Meeting Jongin wasn't a part of Kyungsoo's plan.
But somewhere among tip-toeing around quietly, Jongin noticed him and dragged him in. And before Kyungsoo even realized his own seeds were planted, their roots were so intertwined that to take out one would be to take out both.
-
When Kyungsoo learned that Jongin was younger than him, he laughed. When Jongin learned that Kyungsoo was older than him, he sputtered and grew red in the face with embarrassment.
"Just drop it," Kyungsoo told Jongin as he continued apologizing. "Seriously, we've made it this far without the formalities, so may as well continue."
Jongin's eyes widened at that. "B-But-"
"No buts. I'm the older one here, so what I say, goes," Kyungsoo teased. "Besides, this is way too funny to even make a big deal out of. I can't believe we've known each other for weeks but we didn't even know each others' ages."
Jongin felt honored and touched, and slightly ashamed, as he watched Kyungsoo flip open a magazine. In their free time - what little they had of that together - Kyungsoo and Jongin would usually study together, or at least try to. Jongin didn't know why he didn't realize Kyungsoo was older before - the man had classes in higher levels than him - but maybe it was because Kyungsoo never felt older than him. Not that Kyungsoo felt younger either, but they just clicked so well that Jongin felt like age never mattered.
And so age didn't matter. Once Kyungsoo settled the whole situation, the two went on normally. Everyone was surprised when they first heard the two speaking informally with each other, but Jongin and Kyungsoo shrugged it off. Who cared what other people thought? No one understood them like they did each other.
Jongin had a lot of friends at SM. It would be hard surviving in SM for so long without friends, of course. But no one had ever been to him what Kyungsoo was. Kyungsoo was quiet and guarded at times, and loud and playful at others. He was different, and Jongin liked it.
Unfortunately, with their busy practice schedules, Jongin found himself missing Kyungsoo more than he liked to admit. Kyungsoo would often invite him out to grab a bite, but Jongin could never take the time out to even leave the building for lunch. Every now and then, he'd make an exception, but it was never often enough.
Luckily, Kyungsoo seemed to understand. He never complained or accused Jongin of being a workaholic, as Jongin's other 'friends' have so kindly called him. Kyungsoo understood Jongin's love for dance and his need to debut so he could keep dancing, and so Kyungsoo never questioned it.
It wasn't until one month after they met that Jongin realized he'd never heard Kyungsoo sing before. It was silly, because Jongin had heard Kyungsoo talk about singing before, and he'd even heard other trainees talk about Kyungsoo's voice too, but he'd never heard it for himself. Part of him was so ashamed that he'd never noticed it before that he couldn't even straight-out ask Kyungsoo to sing for him, because that would be admitting the truth.
Which was why Jongin learned Kyungsoo's schedule and figured out the times when he didn't have practice and Jongin did. It took some time, but eventually, he found a perfect time slot for him to sneak over and wait outside the practice room. When he heard someone call Kyungsoo's name, he actually held his breath in anticipation.
Jongin already knew Kyungsoo would be a good singer. After all, no one talks so passionately about something they're not good at. But that still didn't even prepare Jongin in the slightest for the wave of emotions he felt when he heard Kyungsoo sing.
His voice was smooth and deep and it sounded so much like Kyungsoo that it rocked him to his core. He never knew music could move him unless he was dancing until he heard how Kyungsoo sounded without a soundtrack, just pure vocals and talent.
There was not a bone in Jongin's body that doubted Kyungsoo would debut, so he instead spent his time hoping he could debut with Kyungsoo.
-
Not much time passed before Kyungsoo was informed that SM had plans for him to be in their next boy group, the same one Jongin was confirmed in. He was excited beyond words, because not only was he actually being considered for debut, but he may be able to debut with Jongin.
Their practice schedules started aligning similarly soon after. They worked even harder, even longer, and so time together grew even more scarce. Still, Kyungsoo and Jongin found time in between to grab boba together or just spend time in a practice room, lounging around and talking.
The saying 'absence makes the heart grow fond' rang true as Kyungsoo found himself thinking more about Jongin as time passed. He wondered if Jongin ate enough that day - which was a silly thought because Jongin's second love to dancing was probably eating - or if Jongin got enough sleep the night before. They tended to stay up texting each other at night, even though a lot of that time was Kyungsoo telling Jongin to get to bed.Jongin was not a princess in distress, that much Kyungsoo had to remind himself repeatedly. Even though it was tempting to want to save Jongin, he knew that the younger was capable of lifting himself back up without any help. It's a quality Kyungsoo admired in the younger since day one.
But even strength wears out over time. Kyungsoo noticed Jongin's tired eyes and bruised legs one day when they're in the practice room, sneaking snacks and talking about school as they caught up after not seeing each other for a full week.
"Hey, are you okay?" Kyungsoo asked, frown pressed into his lips and worry lines etched into his forehead as he eyed Jongin's worn out form.
"Yeah," Jongin replied breezily, but that old spark in his voice was gone. It had been gone, and Kyungsoo tried telling himself it didn't bother him as much as it obviously did. He could see the edges of Jongin's once bright and young flower petals start to droop, but he knew he couldn't hold them up for him, no matter how much he wanted to.
"Hmm, you're taking care of yourself, right?" Kyungsoo pressed on, unable to tear his eyes away from a particular yellow bruise on Jongin's calf. It was huge, and Kyungsoo practically winced at the mere thought of how he may have gotten it.
"Yes, mother," Jongin answered, rolling his eyes as he popped a chip into his mouth. If their instructor saw them eating shrimp chips, they'd surely chew them out.
Kyungsoo sighed - Jongin was hopeless and stubborn, and Kyungsoo just as bad as he knew all this yet still persisted in trying to take care of the younger. "Whatever. Just know that if I ever find out you passed out during practice one of these days, I will personally kick your ass."
Jongin grinned at that, nudging Kyungsoo with his foot playfully as Kyungsoo nudged back. "I wouldn't have it any other way."
So practice pushed on and Kyungsoo and Jongin went about their days, surviving on energy drinks, rice, and late night text messages to each other.
One night, Kyungsoo was staying late at the building at his instructor's request. He was working on high notes, and practice ended around ten. Mostly everyone had already left by then, and all of the practice rooms were empty except for one.
Kyungsoo remembered a scene similar to this. The second day of his training, he was there late and he saw the exact same room had its lights on. He was too scared back then to look in, but that night, he was feeling extra brave. He walked over, trying his best to stay quiet as he slowly twisted the door knob and peeked in.
He didn't know whether to laugh or cry because part of him couldn't believe it and the other part of him wasn't surprised at all. Dancing in front of him was none other than Jongin, eyes focused on his own reflection and sweat clear on his forehead. Kyungsoo was tempted to storm in, throw his towel at the younger and demand he go home and rest, but the look of sheer determination in Jongin's eyes had Kyungsoo stuck at the door the same way it did the day they met.
After watching Jongin for a while - it was always hard for Kyungsoo to tear his eyes away from the younger when he danced - Kyungsoo finally closed the door just as quietly as he came. The last image of Jongin he had was that of a flower, barely standing but still trying and still managing to outshine the rest.
It wasn't until Kyungsoo arrived home that he texted Jongin: next time you stay late, tell me so i can join you :P
-
It's hard being in the entertainment business without attaining a few scratches here and there. Jongin had been in for so long that sometimes he forgot he even had scars to begin with; they were already starting to heal over, scars replacing them. He kept them hidden, of course, because no one in their right mind talked about their scratches and scars.
No one until Kyungsoo came along.
Jongin didn't think Kyungsoo brought them up on purpose though. They were just talking about practice and how their sleeping patterns were becoming worse and worse, and Kyungsoo stumbled onto the topic.
Jongin knew he shouldn't have been scared around Kyungsoo, but for the first time, he hesitated. He didn't want to talk about these scars he had, didn't want to talk about the scars he knew Kyungsoo must have had by then.
So at first, he ignored it. Every time Kyungsoo mentioned anything triggering, Jongin skimmed past it and pushed onto the next subject. At first, he thought Kyungsoo didn't notice anything wrong, but then again, Kyungsoo seemed to notice everything, whether he wanted it or not.
"You're going to have to talk about it some time," Kyungsoo murmured, voice dropping as Jongin attempted to talk about his lunch.
Jongin looked up, more afraid than startled, and Kyungsoo just stared. Jongin knew Kyungsoo would never push it, but for the first time, Jongin felt ready to tell his story, the full story that told everything, even the parts of Jongin he was ashamed of, the parts with rejection and shame.
Even though Jongin did not need help, that didn't mean he didn't want it. Kyungsoo somehow always knew when to be there, and Jongin never knew a friend like that, never knew he needed a friend like that before.
Kyungsoo may not have been there from the beginning. When Jongin was starting his dream, Kyungsoo was only beginning to think about his own.
But that never mattered to Jongin, because it always felt as if Kyungsoo was there before everyone else, before anything else.
-
When the last two members of what would be EXO joined SM, Kyungsoo was excited. From what he heard, the two were talented vocals. He'd even feel threatened if it weren't for the fact that he was already confirmed as a set member by then.
Baekhyun and Jongdae were quiet at first, and Kyungsoo understood their hesitation - joining a group so late in the game was rare and was bound to bring gossip and jealousy - but Kyungsoo got along with them well. After finding out that Baekhyun was set to debut in EXO-K with him, he spent more time with the older trainee. Baekhyun turned out to be really funny, and Kyungsoo didn't mind going out to eat lunch with him every so often.
He didn't even notice how much time he was spending with Baekhyun, but Jongin apparently did.
"You don't like them more than me, right?" Jongin asked, frowning slightly as he watched Kyungsoo stretch before laying on the floor, tired and sweaty. Kyungsoo was talking about Baekhyun and Jongdae's progress and he practically watched as the displeasure settled onto Jongin's face.
"Don't be silly," Kyungsoo replies, stifling a yawn. "It's just nice meeting other singers, that's all."
Jongin was quiet at that, and Kyungsoo didn't think much of it. "I was thinking about focusing more on my singing."
That threw Kyungsoo for a loop. From what he could tell, Jongin had always been fine with taking rapping. His only shown interest in singing was whenever it had to do with Kyungsoo.
"Really?" Kyungsoo asked, eyebrow raised. He glanced over at Jongin, who was on his stomach beside him, arms propping his head up as he stared off into the distance.
"Mhm," Jongin hummed, sounding in thought. Kyungsoo wished he could know everything going on in the younger's head. He always seemed to be full of thoughts deeper than Kyungsoo thought possible for such a young man.
"Should I ask why, or is this just a spur of the moment thing?" Kyungsoo asked playfully. After all, Jongin has expressed interest in pursuing many hobbies, but they all eventually dwindle down, leading to dance again and again.
"I'm serious," Jongin mumbled, and Kyungsoo just chuckled.
"You're oddly cute when you're jealous," Kyungsoo said instead, unaware of the flush making its way up Jongin's face that he could only attempt to blame on dance practice.
"I'm not." Jongin pouted, but that only made Kyungsoo laugh even more. He turned his head and flashed a smile at Jongin, who turned away. Kyungsoo took the chance to stare at Jongin's side profile. He'd grown thinner lately, and even Kyungsoo's attempt to stuff food from home into him didn't seem enough. The leaves around him were brown and wilting, and Kyungsoo bit his lip in fear for his petals that were sure to be next.
But before he could worry any more, Jongin turned back around, ears still red. "You're still with me though, right?" Jongin asked, catching Kyungsoo off-guard. He was seriously still caught up over this?
Kyungsoo, not knowing what else to do, only laughed and said, "Of course." After all, Kyungsoo couldn't be without Jongin just as much as Jongin couldn't be without Kyungsoo. It was a scary thing, putting so much into one person, but Kyungsoo knew if there was someone he could trust, it was Jongin.
-
When Jongin and Kyungsoo were assigned the same room in their new dorms, there were mixed reactions. Jongin was, of course, excited at the idea of having more time to spend with Kyungsoo, but at the same time worried because he's not exactly the most ideal roommate to have. He left messes everywhere in his own room, and rarely cleaned up despite his mother's constant pleas.
His concerns died after just a week with Kyungsoo. Apparently Kyungsoo filled in all the holes Jongin had; where Jongin was unkempt, Kyungsoo was clean. Even if Kyungsoo grumbled about the mess, he still kept everything orderly.
It had been over a year now, and Jongin and Kyungsoo were not sure where they stood with each other. They were friends and now roommates, but also too close to be just that. Yet Kyungsoo was not Jongin's best friend; he was something more than that. He was a quiet guardian, a hidden protector in the form of a listener, a companion that Jongin trusted more than he knew safe.
With the extra time allowed between the two thanks to the rooming situation, they found more time to talk. Their conversations grew deeper without the looming dangers of being interrupted. In the comforts of their room, it was just the two of them. They discussed everything from politics to ambitions, dreams to passions.
In some ways, talking together was like looking into a mirror; they had such similar world views that it was no wonder they worked together so well. But in other ways, it was a whole new world for them both, fascinating and promising. Kyungsoo was a door to somewhere peaceful and quiet, while Jongin was a step into a field full of daisies and butterflies, full of beauty.
Occasionally they would talk about their dating lives, old and future ones. Kyungsoo told Jongin about his long-time girlfriend who he broke up with a few weeks into training when he couldn't focus on their relationship any longer, and Jongin found himself feeling stupidly vain and proud that he managed to stay when she couldn't. Jongin didn't have many stories to tell, most of his life consumed with training, but he did recount old crushes and failed romances he attempted, Kyungsoo stifling laughter at Jongin.
Sometimes, Jongin wondered if Kyungsoo noticed the slight undertones of 'it's you, it's only you' whenever Jongin talked about his ideal type, and sometimes he wondered if he was making it up in his head when he thought Kyungsoo's ideal sounded a lot like himself. Even so, he tried his best to stuff those thoughts deep, deep down, because there was too much at risk to let something like love - it had to be that; nothing else made sense - get in the way of all their hard work.
Still, Jongin stayed hopeful, even if it felt stupid to even want to try when he knew it was impossible. Not 'impossible' like the 'you becoming an idol is impossible' his uncle told him when he was in middle school, or even the 'impossible' he got when people told him his training schedule was insane. It was 'impossible' as in 'reality would never allow you to love another man if you ever plan to be in the public's eye,' and that was the worst impossible Jongin had ever felt in a long time.
But the way Kyungsoo smiled at him during practice had him holding on. The fact that intimacy between them wasn't always them being alone, that intimacy sometimes was them locking eyes in a crowded room and understanding each other immediately, told Jongin that what they had was worth trying for.
And that's why Jongin didn't hesitate when he told Kyungsoo, "I love you," one night when all the lights were off, the two whispering to each other fantasies of their soon-to-be lives. He wasn't quite sure if he meant in a platonic way or something more, but once the words were laid in front of them, there was no taking them back. Kyungsoo was silent at first, and Jongin wondered if he said the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Then Kyungsoo quietly replied, "I love you too," followed by a, "Good night." Jongin barely got in a response, too confused on the older's reply and why it should have been everything he wanted yet felt as if it wasn't quite enough.
-
Jongin was distant after that. He still talked to Kyungsoo, still sat at the same lunch table with him, still discussed practice with him, but he wasn't the same and Kyungsoo noticed.
Even if Kyungsoo wanted to do something about it though, he couldn't. With their debut looming closer and closer, they were all pushed into even longer practices. Any free time they had was spent eating or sleeping. Jongin especially was pushed to his limits, as if his old practice schedule wasn't crazy enough. Kyungsoo could barely even stay awake to see the younger come back home at night any longer.
Once the filming of the teasers started, things only got worse. Jongin practically didn't even come home anymore it seemed, and every time he was there, Kyungsoo wasn't. Kyungsoo only knew of Jongin what he heard from the others, and what he was hearing wasn't settling well in Kyungsoo's stomach; apparently, Jongin looked exhausted. Make-up worked wonders on Jongin, but gallons of it couldn't cover the fatigue crippling his body.
But Kyungsoo's breaking point ended up being the night Jongin came home, arms over their manager's shoulder as he limped into their shared bedroom.
Kyungsoo didn't even know what to feel when he saw the pained look on Jongin's face. His petals were falling to the floor, and Kyungsoo could only watch helplessly as they did. He felt angry and hurt and annoyed and so many other things that only Jongin could make him feel.
Yet the moment the manager left, closing the door behind him, all Kyungsoo could do was walk over to Jongin and wrap his arms around him, breathing in the smell of Jongin that he had come to know so well and miss.
"I'm fine," Jongin mumbled, stiffening in Kyungsoo's hold but not pushing him away. "Seriously, I'm okay." But the way he said it was tired, and Kyungsoo has never heard Jongin sound so lifeless so he just holds him tighter.
Kyungsoo sighed into Jongin's shoulder. Part of him wanted to tell Jongin to stop over-working himself, but he knew that just wasn't even possible for the younger. So instead he just held Jongin and hoped he understood everything he was trying to say.
The moment was intimate and it said everything their words wouldn't allow them to and it was enough for then, for both of them. Jongin fell asleep in Kyungsoo's arms, and everything felt like the way it should have been, should always be.
Arms held tight around Jongin, Kyungsoo can only whisper countless apologies into Jongin's hair as the younger sleeps. The future was a lot less blurry from then on, yet a lot more frightening. It could tear them apart, but Kyungsoo had no intentions of letting that happen; Jongin was his. Jongin would always be his, somehow in some way.
-
The moment comes and it feels surreal. Kyungsoo's nerves are on edge, but he holds it in as he glances out into the audience, blinking twice as the lights catch his eye. He can't believe it; it's finally here. Everything has led up to this moment on this stage with these members surrounding him.
"EXO on in five!"
Kyungsoo glances over at Jongin, whose eyes are glazed over, breaths slow and uneven. His last petal hangs loosely, swaying back and forth despite the thick air. Kyungsoo places a hand on Jongin's arm, and their eyes meet for a moment.
"Five!"
You're going to be great.
"Four!"
Jongin smiles shakily, mouthing, Thank you. For everything. The last part is unspoken, but Kyungsoo hears it past the screaming crowds, past the buzz of the equipment, through the pounding of his heart.
"Three!"
And like how the sun beams so proudly down at all it's aided, Kyungsoo returns Jongin's smile.
"Two!"
A million flashes, voices, and expectations crowd them.
"One."
The light is almost blinding, but Jongin looks to Kyungsoo and he knows the way. Life starts all over again as the last petal falls off, drifting out into the audience. Kyungsoo watches it go, whispers a quiet goodbye, and lets the music take him away.
At the end of the performance, Kyungsoo notices the new roots at Jongin's feet and lets out a breath he forgot he'd taken. I'll take better care of you this time.
•
a/n:
- this fic is hella old and was actually accidentally made public when it was just bare bones and stuff ahhhh but i finally picked it back up and revamped it and well i'm kind of glad i did? although i was at first unsure if i wanted to do this (how could any fic actually do the real them and their story justice), i like the idea of nonau kaisoo, and this isn't the first time i attempted it (freefall (into my arms) was the first try and well, i didn't really write it with the thought of trying to portray kaisoo as kaisoo, but rather as just a romance, so i'm not entirely pleased with how it ended), but i really tried to put every part of the kaisoo lover in me into this and idk i hope it worked out.
- obviously the biggest inspiration for this was jongin's mini-documentary about his trainee life (ft. taemin and taekai was so cute i died). also the fact that jongin and kyungsoo named each other as the member who left the strongest first impression on each other, and that kyungsoo named jongin as the most mature member! kaisoo is so bts and i love it
- lol i just realized the title of this bares a very obvious resemblance to intoxicated (invigorate me) which gives away my love alliteration, if you haven't noticed it yet, and i'm sorry but at the same time this fic came before intoxicated actually so yeah. i have no plans of changing it.
- many thanks to mayu for reading this for me!!
- if you see any tense mistakes, please throw them my way because i started out the fic as all in present tense but changed it so yeah u_u feel free to throw any mistakes my way actually and just give me CC in general please lol
- thank you for reading! this fic was fun to write but i'm nervous to post it because idk how does one every truly, properly portray her otp in a way worth of them? idk.