playing with fire (oneshot)
playing with fire
kaisoo (jongin/kyungsoo).
pg-13.
angel!au. angst. tragedy. romance.
oneshot/~3500w.
You bring me back to life, only to lead me to my end.
[warning/spoiler alert]
WARNING: character death, mentions of attempted suicide
a/n: angel!au requested by beefballs aka priscilla aka presh person :) sorry this took forever omg
PLAYING WITH FIRE
The streets are empty, the buildings are empty, the city is empty. Or, at least, this half of it is. The other half - the one with the sunlight, the one with the music - sounds as if it's bustling with the life devoid in this abandoned dance studio Jongin curls up in all night.
He tries the stereo one more time, but the music plays like a scratched record. Jongin learns to dance to that part alone, the way he learned to accept that the sun hides from this part of town. The artificial lights illuminating the streets are anything but friendly, that much Jongin knows from the nights he spends watching them flicker across shadowed figures.
Sometimes there are knocks outside, crashes even. He huddles up in the corner and waits for them to pass. They always do.
Tonight, there are several crashes, each inching closer and closer to his room. Jongin pulls his knees to his chest and whispers, "Go away, go away," into the darkness.
It works. The crashes stop, and Jongin squeezes his eyes tight to keep the tears at bay. "I want to go home," he chokes back, biting his lip and clenching his fists. He can't fight these monsters forever.
-
Jongin can't remember why he's here; he can't remember anything. He tries to, though. He spends his first few days trying with all his might to recall the memories he's misplaced. But it's too dark to see anything in this dusty room, and Jongin can only reach so far before he pulls himself back.
Sometimes when he sleeps, he sees things. He doesn't understand them, and when he wakes up, it's all a blur. He tries his hardest to keep them etched into his mind, but they fade just like the marks he leaves on the wall every night.
Jongin never feels anything here. Hunger, fatigue, despair... hope. Perhaps desperation peaks the strongest among them all, but even then, it's just a small pinch underneath the numbness. It's nothing if he doesn't think about it.
He knows this isn't reality. Wherever it is, it's dark and lonely, and Jongin thinks he would much rather be dead than suffer here any longer.
-
When the numbness becomes too much for Jongin to handle, he dances until his feet ache with blunt pain and his muscles scream for release. The music blasts, pounding through his body as he pushes himself further and further. Too busy losing himself to the darkness, he fails to hear the door creak open.
It isn't until he feels a warmth within him that he stops.
And notices the person at the door.
Jongin thinks he is seeing things, imagining an angel out of desperation, because the boy at the door shines brighter than Jongin ever thought possible.
He has a shorter frame, small with a round face and milky skin that literally glowed. Jongin wonders if touching the boy would burn him.
"What are you?" he breathes, voice cracking from lack of use for so long.
He only smiles. "I'm Kyungsoo."
"Kyungsoo," Jongin repeats, liking the way the name felt on his tongue. It almost tastes familiar, but then again, without any memories, what does Jongin know about familiarity?
"Are you… stuck here, too, Kyungsoo?" Jongin asks hesitantly, hoping that maybe this boy had the answers Jongin can't uncover. Or, if not that, he just hopes Kyungsoo at least understood the desolation Jongin is suffering from. It's one thing to suffer, but another to suffer alone.
Kyungsoo nods wordlessly. His eyes are locked on Jongin, and although it should be unnerving - it is his wide eyes can stare into your soul and read all your secrets, even the ones who you don't know you have - Jongin actually finds it comforting. Like apprehension between two strangers.
"Can I stay here?" Kyungsoo asks, breaking the silence. Jongin blinks. The room isn't exactly welcoming, torn to pieces over and over until it put itself back together before Jongin could relish in the destruction, the change.
It is a dull gray, mirrors blurred out and the stereo broken on the ground. Sometimes, Jongin would try to clean the mirror, but it would fog up immediately. Other times, he'd pick up the stereo, but it'd fall again. Jongin has learned to stop trying, because nothing will ever change. Night will stay, the damage will linger.
Yet here, standing right in front of him, is possibly the biggest change of Jongin's life, and he would be a fool to not accept it. Anything to break this monotony, and Kyungsoo is the light Jongin needs in this bleak room.
-
Jongin watches Kyungsoo from afar. It's a mixture between adoration, fear, and something akin to respect. Nothing more, nothing less. He's afraid to come near, though, afraid to taint the light, to break him.
But Kyungsoos is not afraid of Jongin. He lingers close by, too close yet not close enough. He smells sweet, like forgotten memories and an emotion Jongin is unfamiliar with, but it brings a curve to his lips.
Kyungsoo sits by Jongin, humming. Jongin wants to know the song, but is too afraid to ask. He doesn't have to.
"I can sing it for you," Kyungsoo murmurs, voice low, resonating off the walls and within Jongin. He barely looks up to see the glint in Kyungsoo's eyes.
Jongin looks at him curiously, expression asking, Sing what?
Kyungsoo understands anyway. "The song I'm humming. I can sing it for you." Jongin thinks Kyungsoo is moving closer, but blames it on his imagination.
Jongin waits for Kyungsoo to sing, but when no words come out, he frowns and asks, almost impatiently, "Are you going to sing?"
Kyungsoo smiles. It's a baffling smile for Jongin, one that holds a secret that can make Jongin's heart race and palms sweat like never before. He wonders if Kyungsoo is a demon, sent to be his demise, his sin. He wouldn't mind that though - demise by Kyungsoo seems less painful than demise by loneliness.
"I'll sing..." Kyungsoo says slowly, "if you dance."
Jongin freezes at that. He's never danced in front of someone else before, not in this room at least. Dancing alone is a means of relaxation, but dancing in front of an audience is the exact opposite.
"Sorry," Jongin mumbles, shaking his head and turning his body the other way, pressing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around his legs. He hears Kyungsoo sigh behind him, then go back to humming.
And that's enough music for now.
-It's hard to keep track of time here, but it seem as if time slowed down after Kyungsoo came around. Jongin spends his time counting the number of breaths he takes, the seconds he hums, and so on. It's entertaining, even without any words shared.
Jongin is still adjusting to the light. He thinks of Kyungsoo as if he were made of glass. If you touch him, he smudges. If you hit him, he breaks. But if you look at him from the right angle, the rest of the room seems to light up with its on glimmers.
For a while, it's good enough to just watch from afar in admiration.
But eventually, it gets tiring, and Jongin wants - needs - more. He's gotten greedy for the light, without meaning to. He wants to move closer, but he's still afraid. Afraid of hurting Kyungsoo, afraid of hurting himself. Just plain afraid.
Kyungsoo knows though. Kyungsoo always seems to know. He looks over at Jongin, who's been staring at Kyungsoo for a while now.
"If I sing, will you sing with me?" Kyungsoo asks, innocence ringing through Jongin's ear, almost deafening. How does a voice sound so sweet?
Jongin shakes his head. I can't sing.
"Or will you dance?" Kyungsoo offers again, a hint of a smile lingering in his eyes, and this time, Jongin can't deny him. It's been too long watching the flames play - he wants to play with them now.
Jongin stands up slowly, stretching his sore muscles slowly. Kyungsoo watches, and Jongin imagines that his eyes have gotten darker. They can't get darker though. Nothing about Kyungsoo can seem dark, not to Jongin at least.
He doesn't stretch for long, because he knows no amount of stretching can keep the pain at bay. It'll happen, sooner or later, and like everything else, he has accepted it as another friend. Pain, the Constant.
Their eyes meet, and Kyungsoo nods. He opens his mouth, and sings.
And Jongin moves.
It's no surprise to Jongin that Kyungsoo's voice is harmonious. Strong yet gentle, the words vibrate through Jongin's limbs, carrying him through the room like the breeze. He feels Kyungsoo's eyes on him, and it gives him strength, not fear. It's a foreign feeling, and it's ironic because this strength scares Jongin.
But just for a moment. He embraces it, and carries on more determined than ever to be the choreography to Kyungsoo's words.
It ends as quickly as it began. Jongin collapses as soon as Kyungsoo's words fall to an end. Their eyes meet one last time, a grin on Kyungsoo's lips and a smile in Jongin's eyes.
-
And so, Jongin plays with fire, again and again. His muscles stop aching, his limbs grow more agile, his mind grows more aware of each lyrics, each harmony.
Kyungsoo enjoys it. Watches with a smile, a secret, something Jongin wants to know but doesn't at the same time. So long as Kyungsoo sings, all will be all right.
Everything is okay.
-
Music becomes their bond. Jongin grows more confident with each passing song, dances closer to Kyungsoo, stares longer and even dares to grin. Kyungsoo knows, as always.
One night, as they sit across the room from each other, Jongin gets the nerve to ask, "Do you know you glow?" The words stumble out awkward, Jongin still unused to speaking again, but his curiosity gets the best of him.
It's worth it when Kyungsoo smiles, just the slightest of a curve on his lips. Lips that Jongin have noticed to be perfectly bow shaped. "Yes, I know I glow," he replies, soft but strong enough to be carried across the room, cutting through the stillness.
"Why? Why do you glow?" Jongin asks, voice insistent. One question always leads to more. He unconsciously moves closer to Kyungsoo, desperate for an answer.
But it seems that this time, Kyungsoo doesn't have one. He only continues to smile, and it's so bright that Jongin forgets his question in order to remember the wrinkles around Kyungsoo's eyes instead.
-
Comfort comes easily when Kyungsoo is around. It's a daring move, but Jongin grabs Kyungsoo's hand and hoists him up. It's like touching flames, but instead of pain, it feels good. Like his hand belongs on Kyungsoo.
"What are you doing?" Kyungsoo asks, surprised. He stopped singing when Jongin grabbed him.
"Dance with me," Jongin says, and it's a request but it sounds like a command. Kyungsoo hesitates, eyes flashing a million secrets at once but Jongin's only catches one of them: desire. So he tugs at Kyungsoo one more time, smirk playing his lips, and begins to move.
Kyungsoo has no choice but to move with him. He's clumsy at first, unsure of where to step, but Jongin's grip is loose. He takes in a deep breath, and decides to feel his next steps.
They move together like two falling petals, twirling around each other, taunting and playful. Kyungsoo lets himself laugh as Jongin takes him and holds him close, and Jongin revels in the way Kyungsoo's laugh moves in him.
They dance together, they fall together.
-
Jongin doesn't know what love is, but if he were to remember, it'd be the way Kyungsoo laughed quietly when Jongin accidentally tripped over his own feet. Or the way Kyungsoo sung a ballad about old lovers, eyes distant but voice heavy with an emotion akin to love.
But Jongin doesn't know what love is.
And Kyungsoo does.
-
Kyungsoo knows more than he will ever say.
He knows the memories Jongin has forgotten are still there. He can see them when Jongin falls asleep, heading falling back against the wall, soft snores filling the room. He can see them, feel them, live them.
Because he is a part of them.
He relives the memories he himself did not know existed. He sees his human self through the eyes of Jongin, old past and recent past, filtered through a soft light with a nostalgic tint. And because it is all through Jongin's buried memories, he feels the love Jongin experienced as well.
It's more painful than pleasurable.
Kyungsoo knows more than he will ever say.
He knows Jongin is his old lover.
He knows Jongin attempted suicide.
He knows Jongin succeeded.
Kyungsoo laughs bitterly. It's fortunate that Jongin will never remember this, because it is all Kyungsoo can think of now.
-
Jongin is dancing, without Kyungsoo's song. Kyungsoo watches though, and thinks. Is this what they did when they were both alive, together? Did they sing and dance together? Were they happy together?
Could they be happy again?
Kyungsoo shakes his head. His own thoughts are running astray. The Middle is getting to him. Angels can only last so long in a lifeless place.
"Hey," Jongin murmurs, and Kyungsoo looks up to see Jongin standing in front of him.
"You've stopped dancing. Why?" Kyungsoo asks, frowning.
"I don't know... I wanted to come over here with you, I guess," Jongin says, rubbing the back of his neck. He takes a seat not too far away from Kyungsoo, but far enough for him to feel the gap. This isn't right. Kyungsoo isn't supposed to notice these sorts of things.
"Why?" Kyungsoo asks again. He remembers when he used to know all the answers, but now it seems like he was wrong. Neither of them know the answers.
"I... I like being with you," Jongin mumbles, looking down. Kyungsoo think he's mistaken, but there's a flush on Jongin's cheeks, out of place but almost perfect in Kyungsoo's eyes.
He doesn't know what causes him to do it, but he leans over and grabs Jongin's hand. He's cold.
Kyungsoo lets out a breath. I'm so sorry, he thinks as he holds on tighter, desperatedly trying to warm a hand that will never know heat again.
-
Jongin is dying again. The last of his soul is fading, his body and mind already gone. Kyungsoo watches as Jongin's body grows weaker, his dancing slower, his smile softer.
It is what The Middle does to you. It strips you of the last remaining essences, down to the core. The Middle is where those stuck between life and death wander, but Jongin's been stranded on the dark side the entire time, no chance of life again. He needs guidance to the afterlife, and that is what Kyungsoo is for.
Kyungsoo is assigned his Guardian Angel. And it is time for him to lead Jongin to the end.
-
It is light that wakes Jongin up.
He jumps awake, startled by the brightness. The first thing he looks around for is Kyungsoo, but he can't see him. Frightened for the first time in a long time, Jongin scrambles to get up, almost tripping on the wires to the forgotten stereo as he does.
"Kyungsoo!" he calls out, heart racing in an oddly familiar way. He's felt this before. Abandonment, fear, despair. He knows this feeling, knows it well enough to let it strike deep within him. This can't be happening again.
He runs out of the room for the first time, not thinking twice. He runs past the shadows, past the street lamps, to the edge of the city, and stops.
The city stops.
Jongin falls to his knees. There is nothing beyond there, just darkness and defeat. He calls out for Kyungsoo countless times, ready to step into nothingness if it means finding Kyungsoo. He already is nothing without Kyungsoo.
"Why would you leave again?!" he screams, and the words don't register in his mind correctly. Again. Why would you leave again?
"I'm not leaving," a soft voice answers from behind, and Jongin whips around. His voice catches in his throat when he sees Kyungsoo, his Kyungsoo, floating above the ground. He's brighter than ever, but not bright at all. His wings catch the light, and Jongin almost chokes.
"Y-Y-You-"
"I'm an angel," Kyungsoo finishes for him, smile soft but sad. Jongin wants to kiss the sadness away, but he can't - he's too far away. "Your angel, actually."
"My angel," Jongin breathes, and Kyungsoo nods. He moves closer, feet barely touching the ground, until he's right in front of Jongin. So close, yet so far again.
"Jongin... you..." Kyungsoo sighs, and Jongin watches in confusion. Kyungsoo has always had the words to say in mind, but now, it seems as if he's out of them. He's speechless.
"I'm... dead, aren't I?" Jongin asks shakingly, and Kyungsoo bites his bottom lip.
"Yes," he whispers.
"And you-you were supposed to lead me... to where?"
Kyungsoo closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. He can't seem to say it, but Jongin knows. He's known.
"Hell. Right? I'm going... to Hell," he says, voice stronger than he looks. Kyungsoo opens his eyes, and the sadness is there, stronger than ever. "It's okay," he finds himself comforting Kyungsoo instead. "I-I always knew I wasn't going to see the light again."
Kyungsoo's breath hitches. "No, Jongin, I-"
"And it's time, isn't it? Time for you to... lead me there, to Hell." Neither of them understand, but Jongin seems stronger now, for the first time. Accepting of his fate, the one Kyungsoo tried his longest to keep him away from.
Kyungsoo doesn't even notice when a tear streams down his cheek.
Jongin watches in awe. He didn't know angels cried. He steps forward, pressing a hand to Kyungsoo's face. It's warm, and Jongin smiles, knowing this may be the last time. "It's okay," he whispers, face close. He sees the droplets of water on Kyungsoo's eyelashes, and brushes them away softly.
"Jongin-"
Kyungsoo is cut off by a large gust of wind. Jongin turns to see a circle forming, flames appearing, and he knows. They both know.
Kyungsoo's eyes never leave Jongin's though.
"It's time," Jongin murmurs, and he's shaking, he knows it. He's afraid - of Hell, of death, of permanence, of losing Kyungsoo. Again.
He turns to Kyungsoo, whose eyes are screaming a million things and lips are quivering. Jongin presses his thumb to Kyungsoo's bottom lip, tracing the outline he's come to memorize in their shared, gray room.
"I didn't know... what love was, until you came along," he breathes, and Kyungsoo lets out a sob as Jongin presses their lips together. It singes, it sears, it destroys, but they hold on for dear life.
"I'm sorry," Kyungsoo whispers into the salty kiss.
"I know," Jongin murmurs, wiping Kyungsoo's tears. They pull away, and Kyungsoo steps back first. He makes his way to the circle, and breathes in. This is it. This is what Kyungsoo is meant to do.
He steps into the flame, and smiles through the pain. "Come on, Jongin," he whispers, knowing he can hear him. "Dance towards me."
And Jongin does. He takes a leap into the flame, falling into Kyungsoo's arms one last time as their lips melt together. The light consumes them as their lips touch.
It's going to be okay.
-
Kyungsoo fell in love with Jongin again. Memories of a love he once knew, mixed with a new affection for the broken version of his old lover, grew into his own demise. He knew it from the start, from the way Jongin danced to Kyungsoo's song.
Even though it was his mission to lead Jongin to the afterlife, he couldn't do it. He couldn't let Jongin die at his own hands - not again. Jongin, who attempted (and almost succeeded) suicide because the pain of handling Kyungsoo's death was too much to bare. The loneliness, the despair drove him over the edge, into the medicine cabinet, and pushed pills into him until Jongin was throwing up blood.
Kyungsoo watched it happen, again and again, in his memories, and knew he couldn't let Jongin suffer anymore.
Angels don't fall in love because when they do, they give their heart and soul away to their lover. They are only hearts and souls.
Kyungsoo withers away the moment the flames touch him. But the kiss burns ten times hotter.
But if his soul no longer exists, neither will his memory to the one he gave it away to.
-
"He's waking up! He's waking up! Quick, get the nurses!"
Jongin blinks awake in his hospital bed. He looks around groggily, eyes readjusting. The dim lights of the hospital burn more than usual. He's looking for something, someone, but he can't remember just what. "What happens?" he croaks, rubbing his eyes.
"Jongin, can you remember why you're here?" his mother asks, voice laced with concern Jongin doesn't understand.
He shakes his head numbly. He can't remember anything.
• fin.
a/n:
- my original idea was different but then I came up with this and I felt like this one was better. and it knocks out another previous idea I had that was supposed to be really long nto something shorter and a bit different. and less happy lol
- much love to starsthatlast for putting up with me and editing the first draft of this. you guys only see the first two scenes of it heh. i threw it away and rewrote everything. so /this version/ is unfortunately unedited ;;
- ... so this is kind of unclear but by sacrificing himself kyungsoo allows jongin to live again and instead takes his place in hell... or just disappears completely tbh either could work but i think the latter is actually what i'm leaning towards
- i don't think i'll be writing character death again anytime soon lol don't get me wrong - i love angst/tragedy tbh, but... i dunno, i'm not... fit... to write character death. i feel guilty LMAO maybe for a diff. pairing, but my kaisoo fics probably won't see any more deaths for a while now. wish i could speak the same for other authors? lol
- I FINALLY FINISHED i don't think it is possible to understand how much time i spent crying over this lmao omg i had the idea but it was so hard to execute ;; i stayed up til like... past four in the morning to make sure i finished this.
- new fic tomorrow too i'm sorry for spamming OTL what is pacing
- thanks for reading, and i hope you enjoyed ^^ and thanks to the lovely priscilla (beefballs) for the prompt!