let love in
let love in
kaisoo (jongin/kyungsoo).
pg.
au. romance. drama.
oneshot/~5400w.
The idea of falling in love is terrifying enough as is; the idea of falling in love with your best friend is simply unspeakable.
a/n: happy (late) birthday, naomi!
LET LOVE IN
Looking at it from a logical perspective, love doesn't make sense. There is no plausible explanation as to why people go around looking for love when love is nothing but trouble. It causes hearts to race and palms to perspire, makes the words twist just as they touch your tongue, and drives the sanest of men to do the craziest of things.
In Jongin's eyes, love is just nonsense. It's a jumble of feelings and flying thoughts, all of which are nothing but trouble. It just makes so much more sense to spend time calculating solid ideas than trying to make sense of smushy insides and bubbly smiles.
"Just think about how much better this world would be without love," Jongin says as he and Kyungsoo walk to class together. Kyungsoo has heard this argument so many times that he doesn't even bother rolling his eyes anymore.
"Love makes people mad," Jongin continues, shaking his head in disdain. "Just look at Romeo and Juliet. Killed themselves and others just for their silly infatuation. Love is just so-so-"
"Useless?" Kyungsoo guesses for him.
"Well, I was going to say 'idiotic,' but useless works too," Jongin says, and Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. "We could do without it, really."
Kyungsoo knows there's no point in arguing; he gave up trying years ago. Jongin is stubborn and insistent on his beliefs, and Kyungsoo can't get him to budge on this idea especially. He just offers a half-smile and gives Jongin a soft push into his class, moving to walk off.
"Hey, wait, are we gonna grab something to eat after school today?" Jongin calls after him. Kyungsoo turns around, books in his arm, and sighs.
"Sure," he answers, because he can never reject Jongin. He has never been able to, not even as children, when Jongin would somehow convince him that throwing glitter and playing with glue was a good idea.
"Great! I'll wait for you by your locker," Jongin says before ducking back into the classroom, vanishing from Kyungsoo's sight.
Kyungsoo tries not to let his shoulders sag as he walks to his class alone.
"Hey, you okay?" Chanyeol asks as Kyungsoo takes his seat.
"Yeah, just tired," Kyungsoo mumbles.
"You sure?" Chanyeol asks, frowning at the way Kyungsoo refuses to meet his eyes. "Hey, look at me," he says, sticking his hand out and forcing Kyungsoo to face him. "What's up?"
"Nothing," Kyungsoo repeats, a little sterner this time. Chanyeol doesn't believe him, but he doesn't say anything. He knows there's no away around Kyungsoo's stubbornness, unless your name is Kim Jongin.
"Well, Baekhyun and the rest of us are gonna hang out today after school. Wanna come?" he offers, changing the subject. Kyungsoo would love to, but he already made plans and he could never cancel Jongin.
"Thanks, but it's okay," he politely declines.
Chanyeol frowns. "You're going out with him?"
Kyungsoo glances at Chanyeol warily. "Yeah, so what if I am?" he asks defensively. Why does Chanyeol have to ask him with that tone?
"You should tell him soon," is all Chanyeol says in reply before he walks over and takes his seat as class begins.
Kyungsoo sighs and rests his head on the table. He knows that some things are better kept secret. Especially things concerning Jongin - Kyungsoo knows about those best.
-No one knows Jongin better than Kyungsoo. No one understands the little inside jokes about Chemistry and Calculus the way Kyungsoo does, and definitely no one laughs at them as loud as Kyungsoo does (although he laughs more out of pity than humor). No one understands why Jongin is so jaded by the idea of love, or why all he does is stare at the telephone every time Father's Day comes around. No one understands why Jongin works so hard for his grade when his mother is never around to congratulate him and his sister is always off at college, too far to truly help.
And no one understands why Kyungsoo looks up lame math jokes just for Jongin, why Kyungsoo stays up late the night before Father's Day making sure Jongin doesn't break down again, why Kyungsoo always buys Jongin an ice cream cone and treats him to a movie once report cards are out and Jongin has gotten all A's again.
No one understands, and Kyungsoo understands that. No one knows Jongin better than Kyungsoo.
But there are times when Kyungsoo wonders if there are others out there who know Kyungsoo better than Jongin.
-
"You're graduating soon," Jongin says when they're out at lunch together after school, between bites of his sandwich. "We should do something together this summer, before you leave for college." Kyungsoo wonders if he's right and there's a hint of sadness in Jongin's voice.
"Yeah," Kyungsoo answers. "We always spend our summers together anyway." It's weird that Jongin would bring it up, since it was unspoken word that they spend their free time together anyway, but maybe it's just the stress of school causing Jongin to act unlike himself.
"Maybe we could go to that science exhibit that just opened up," Jongin offers excitedly, only to be met with Kyungsoo's unamused stare. "Or whatever you want?" he relents, and Kyungsoo just rolls his eyes and continues eating.
Jongin doesn't want to admit it, but something has changed between him and Kyungsoo. The past few months have been stiff, Kyungsoo giving him half-hearted smiles and tired replies during their phone conversations. Jongin wondered if it was school and college applications that were causing his best friend to act so unlike himself, but once those were done and over, Kyungsoo didn't change back. He stayed elusive, and Jongin didn't like that one bit.
He missed his best friend. He missed Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo thinks about it for a moment. "Well, there is this poetry reading happening the first week of summer," Kyungsoo starts off. "Mr. Lee told me about it, and I thought it sounded cool, but I didn't know who to take."
Jongin blinks. "Since when were you into poetry?" he asks, frowning. He knows Kyungsoo likes literature class - Mr. Lee is his favorite teacher - but he thought Kyungsoo focused more on novels, not poetry.
Kyungsoo meets his glance, and Jongin wonders what he said wrong because his eyes harden. His face stays the same, but Jongin knows when he's done something wrong just by the way Kyungsoo looks at him. Jongin may not be good at literature, but he can read Kyungsoo like an open book.
"Nevermind," Kyungsoo mumbles, shaking his head. "We can go to that science exhibition whatever thing."
Jongin doesn't say anything; he just watches Kyungsoo continue to eat. Science exhibition whatever thing, Jongin thinks. Since when is Kyungsoo so incoherent with his words?
"Kyungsoo," Jongin says slowly, and Kyungsoo looks up right away just from the tone of his words. He can tell Jongin's about to say something serious. "If something's wrong, you can tell me, you know?"
Kyungsoo frowns. "I know," he says, and he returns to eating.
They eat in silence after that. It's not a comfortable silence, either, like the ones they share when they're lying in bed during sleepovers, waiting for slumber to take them but both fully awake and aware that the other is awake too. It's an unnerving silence that makes Jongin want to scream just to break it.
Kyungsoo leaves first with the excuse that he has homework to catch up on.
Jongin watches him leave and ignores the unsettling feeling in the bottom of his stomach, blaming it on the food instead. He doesn't feel hungry anymore anyway.
-
As much as Jongin dislikes the idea of love and its terrible effects on the human mind and body, he has an affinity towards the study of love. He wants to know every little thing about it, even if it's just to strengthen his theory that love is an nonsensical force in this universe.
Although Jongin claims to have never felt love first-handed - and he hopes never to - he knows about its symptoms. Sweaty palms, countless butterflies in the stomach, nervous smiles - he's read about them all. He's so well-versed in the study of love that he believes he can look at someone and know right away if he or she is in love.
That's how Jongin knew straight off the bat that Sehun was in love the moment they met in literature class. Sehun walked in with that goofy smile, and sat down beside Jongin without realizing it. Of course, Jongin needed to test his theory, so he befriended the boy and waited for further news. Just a week later, he learned about this so-called Luhan, a transfer student who Sehun never shuts up about.
Two months in, Sehun announced he was dating Luhan, and Jongin was happy. But mostly for himself, because that proved his hypothesis correct - Sehun was indeed in love, and Jongin had correctly guessed it.
The more Jongin studies about love, the more confused he gets though. Why would anyone want these symptoms? Why would anyone try to look for someone who makes you look and feel stupid? Why love, why love, why love?
Kyungsoo used to always laugh at him whenever Jongin would share his research. "You can do Calculus in your sleep, but you spend hours stressing over this? Love? And not even the actual emotion, but the study of it?" Kyungsoo would throw his head back and laugh, and Jongin would try his best not to throw a pillow at his best friend's face. "You take nerdiness to a new level, Jongin."
Then they would get into a fight over who's more nerdy. "You spent your entire summer reading next year's work!" Jongin argued, while Kyungsoo countered with, "You write equations in your notebook when you're bored! And don't even deny it, because I've seen you do it!" Their arguments were so stupid and pointless, but Jongin would never pass up an argument because of the way Kyungsoo's lips would always spread into a grin during them.
It was times like those that Jongin forgot about numbers and science and stupid things like love, because Kyungsoo pushed all the bad things out of his head and made him remember the good, even if it was just for a moment.
Kyungsoo always somehow knew how to make things that make no sense suddenly seem as clear as the sky to Jongin. Even when they were just kids and Kyungsoo would help him with addition and substraction, Kyungsoo had a way of explaining things in a way that Jongin understood.
Jongin would sometimes wonder if he should ask Kyungsoo to explain love to him. Maybe then it'd make a little more sense. But then he'd stop himself and laugh, because what would Kyungsoo know of love anyway?
-
It's the next day of school, and Jongin is walking to his second period.
"Hey, Jongin!" Sehun calls after him in the halls. Jongin doesn't hear him at first and keeps walking, and Sehun has to jog to catch up. "Why do you walk so fast," he pants as he catches up.
"Oh, hey," Jongin finally says, noticing him. "What's up?"
"Luhan wanted me to invite you to go biking with us. We're going to rent those pair bikes, you know, like the ones you see on TV," Sehun says.
Jongin eyes Sehun warily. "Why would I want to go biking with you guys?" he asks warily.
"Well, not just us, but everyone," Sehun says. "Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Kyungsoo." Jongin's ears perk at that, and confusion settles in soon after. Since when did Kyungsoo know Sehun and his friends?
"Why invite me?" Jongin asks, now confused about the invite. He's not really close with Luhan, so why would he care to invite Jongin?
"So Kyungsoo wouldn't feel awkward being around Chanyeol and Baekhyun," Sehun answers as if it's obvious.
"Why would it be awkward for Kyungsoo?" Jongin asks.
"Well, he is Chanyeol's ex, so..." Sehun says slowly, raising an eyebrow at the blank look on Jongin's face. "Wait, you didn't know know?"
"Obviously not," Jongin deadpans. He still can't even process that thought. Kyungsoo? And Chanyeol? Are they talking about the same Chanyeol? The one who put lizards down his pants just for a dare? That Chanyeol? And his Kyungsoo? Dated?
"I thought everyone knew," Sehun says with a shrug, and Jongin's frown deepens.
"Wait, how long ago was this?" Jongin asks. He can't believe Kyungsoo never told him either; isn't that what best friends do? Talk about their relationships and stuff. Sure, Jongin has shown his disdain for love, but not for plain old relationships. And he's never once shown any disdain for Kyungsoo.
"I don't know, maybe a couple months back? It didn't last long, though. Kyungsoo broke it off not too long after their first date." Sehun watches Jongin's reactions carefully, taking note of Jongin's incredulous look.
A couple months back... when Kyungsoo started acting weird, Jongin thinks, putting the pieces together. No wonder. Jongin tries to keep the bitterness out of his thoughts, but it's hard.
"I guess that makes sense now," Sehun thinks aloud, and Jongin's eyes flash to him.
"What makes sense?"
"Why you weren't mad about it earlier."
Jongin sputters. "I wouldn't have been mad." Sehun gives him that really? look, and Jongin glares at him. "Really. I'm just frustrated now because he never told me."
"I wonder why," Sehun snorts sarcastically.
Jongin narrows his eyes at Sehun. What more does Sehun know about his best friend that he doesn't? "So is he dating anyone else right now?" Might as well squeeze as much as he can out of Sehun while he's here.
"No," Sehun answers.
Jongin doesn't notice the way his shoulders sag in relief, but Sehun does.
He waits to see if Jongin asks the real Golden Question, but he doesn't. He just straightens up and says he's going to class now.
"If you see Kyungsoo, tell him I want to talk," Jongin says before he leaves. Sehun watches Jongin ruffle with the back of his hair the way he always does when he's frustrated - he's been doing it more often, and Sehun knows it's not because of school.
For such smart kids, they sure are dumb.
-
Jongin met Kyungsoo when he was just six-years-old. The only two quiet kids on the playground found solace in each other, playing ball or pushing each other on the swings. Always side by side, they did everything together.
Fate would have it that they grow up together, too. Kyungsoo always wondered how they ended up so different yet so similar. How Jongin was about sunsets and sleeping, while Kyungsoo was about sunrises and seeing. How Jongin ended up a numbers person, surrounded by equations and formulas where there was only one right answer, while Kyungsoo turned out to be a book person, fascinated with words and the fact that there was no such thing as a right answer. How Jongin lost, while Kyungsoo learned.
How Jongin ended up hating the very thing Kyungsoo yearns for the most - love.
Jongin didn't know he'd meet Kyungsoo when he was just six-years-old, just as he wouldn't know he'd break Kyungsoo's heart eleven years later.
And Kyungsoo would let him.
-
"Sehun said you were looking for me," Kyungsoo's quiet voice breaks Jongin's concentration. It's lunch time, and Jongin is putting his books away in his locker. Kyungsoo, already done putting away his books, waits for him. "He was trying to act all mysterious, too." Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow at the memory of Sehun's wiggling eyebrows. "You make weird friends, Jongin."
"That explains you, right?" Jongin snorts, glancing at Kyungsoo, who cracks a small smile.
"No, I came before the whole weird-friends phase."
"You came before everything," Jongin says without thinking. He pauses once he realizes what he just said, then goes back to putting away his books, wondering what he just said and what that even meant.
Kyungsoo stares at him, and Jongin wonders when Kyungsoo's stare became so unnerving to Jongin. Jongin waits for him to say something, but he doesn't, so Jongin goes ahead.
"So Luhan invited me biking," he starts off, and Kyungsoo nods.
"Yeah, he told me he would. You don't have to go, though. I know you don't really like biking." Jongin doesn't know why, but he doesn't like how Kyungsoo just brushes off Jongin like that. As if they aren't friends, as if it doesn't matter if Jongin goes or not, as if Jongin doesn't matter.
"But Sehun told me he invited me to make things less awkward."
Kyungsoo doesn't reply; he just stares at Jongin with that gaze and Jongin realizes why Kyungsoo's stares are so unnerving these days. He can no longer read them. Kyungsoo's eyes are guarded and cautious, and Jongin wonders when he put these walls up and why he never noticed before.
"He told me about you and Chanyeol."
Kyungsoo's gaze falters at that, and Jongin knows he's got him caught now. He hates how it had to be the mentioning of Chanyeol that startled Kyungsoo, though.
"What about me and Chanyeol?" Kyungsoo asks, and he tries to sound nonchalant but he can't help but come off as stiff. He's going to kill Sehun and Luhan after this.
"You two dated," Jongin says, and he hopes he doesn't sound as bitter as he feels. It's one thing hearing this from Sehun, but another getting the verification from the look on Kyungsoo's face.
"So?" Kyungsoo asks through gritted teeth.
"So? So why didn't you tell me?!" Jongin snaps. He hates playing these games; he was never good with them. Those were always Kyungsoo's strengths.
"Why does it matter?" Kyungsoo huffs in frustration. It was so long ago that it's not even relevant to Kyungsoo and Chanyeol's friendship anymore.
"Because!" Jongin yells, and he sounds like the kid Kyungsoo met years ago, arguing with the other kids as to why Power Rangers will always beat the Ninja Mutant Teenage Turtles. But he's no longer as small or as innocent or as fragile as he once was to Kyungsoo, and that frightens Kyungsoo.
His handsome face, round lips, sharp jawline - it all scares Kyungsoo. Why did Jongin have to grow up? Why did Kyungsoo have to grow up?
"Because what?" Kyungsoo bites, fists clenched.
"Because I'm your best friend," Jongin spits, and Kyungsoo's never hated that term so much because all it has done is put Kyungsoo in a box he can't escape from. Best friend, best friend, best friend - that's all he'll ever be to Jongin: a best friend. "And best friends tell each other these things."
Kyungsoo lets out a dark laugh at that. "Yeah, right. Like how you told me when you liked Taemin?"
Jongin's eyes darken. "That was different-"
"How so? You never told me-"
"I never dated him-"
"Does it matter?! It's the same concept!"
"No, it's not!"
Kyungsoo shakes his head, frustrated. "Yes, it is," he says, trying to calm himself down. "I don't even know why we're having this conversation. Let's just go have lunch and forget about this." Kyungsoo turns around, ready to leave, when Jongin reaches out and pulls him back, causing him to stumble a bit.
"Hey, don't-"
"Are you still in love with Chanyeol?" Jongin asks, face so serious and somber that Kyungsoo wonders if this is really the same boy who would make silly faces with him in car window reflections when they were younger.
"God, no!" Kyungsoo yells in disgust, glaring at Jongin who's staring at him with an unreadable expression. Truth is, he never loved Chanyeol at all. Not in that sense at least. He just confused his reaction towards the attention and extra affection for something more, something he wanted from someone else.
"Yeah, right," Jongin finally scoffs, after staring at Kyungsoo. "I know love when I see it," he bites in disgust, stepping back once. He doesn't meet Kyungsoo's eyes anymore, staring at the wall behind him instead. "You know, if you love Chanyeol, you could have just told m-"
"You idiot," Kyungsoo hisses, interrupting him. Jongin looks taken aback, but he doesn't say anything. "I'm not in love with Chanyeol, because I love you, dammit!" Kyungsoo screams, panting. He can't tell if his breathlessness if from Jongin or his confession; it's most likely both.
Jongin doesn't reply, but Kyungsoo doesn't expect an answer anyway.
"But maybe I'm the idiot for loving someone who hates love, huh?" Kyungsoo laughs bitterly, shaking his head. He storms off, and Jongin moves to let him because he doesn't know what else to do. His mind is completely blank of everything except for Kyungsoo's, "I love you," ringing in his head.
Kyungsoo doesn't know why he had even hoped Jongin would run after him.
-
The first time Jongin ever hurt Kyungsoo was when he was seven-years-old and Kyungsoo was eight. It was an accident at first - Jongin didn't mean to throw the toy car at Kyungsoo - but Kyungsoo's tears wouldn't stop and Jongin got frustrated, because no matter how many times he apologized, it didn't seem to ease the pain, and he just wanted to play. He called Kyungsoo a cry baby and stormed off.
In the end, their parents came to their rescue. Jongin's mom made Jongin apologize, and Kyungsoo's mom cleaned up Kyungsoo and laid out strawberries for the two to eat together. Jongin, upon seeing the Pororo band-aid on Kyungsoo's cheek and his puffy red eyes, frowned and realized his mistake. He sat beside Kyungsoo and let him eat all the good strawberries as his own way of apologizing.
And because boys will be boys, there would be countless times Jongin hurts Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo hurts Jongin. Mostly by mistake, there would be some sort of mishap or misunderstanding, and someone would get hurt. And when one of them gets hurt, the other unknowingly suffers his own bruise.
But in the end, they always apologize. They always reunite and make up, because cracked skin and bleeding cuts were never enough to threaten a friendship like theirs.
Now it's a matter of whether or not a broken heart can.
-
Jongin and Kyungsoo have never gone this long without talking, with the exception of the times when one of them went on vacation. And even those times were hard on them.
"How long has it been now?" Baekhyun asks with a sigh as Kyungsoo sits down beside him at lunch a week later from their fight, eyes tired and spirit wearing.
"Does it matter?" is all Kyungsoo replies. "He made his answer clear."
Baekhyun frowns. "Kyungsoo-"
"Don't, Baekhyun." Kyungsoo shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. "I know Jongin better than anyone, and I know he will never... return my feelings," he mumbles, opening his lunch bag quietly.
"Well, then he's an idiot," Baekhyun says with a tone of finality that Kyungsoo wishes he could have. He's never been sure of himself. Confidence was always Jongin's thing.
Kyungsoo smiles bitterly. He supposes he'll just have to learn to live without Jongin.
-
There was never really a life without Jongin. Kyungsoo can't really remember a time when Jongin wasn't in his life, and all those times he can remember are eventless in his life. Everything fun or exciting he ever did, he did with Jongin.
Jongin was the one who taught Kyungsoo how to bike. Kyungsoo was the one who taught Jongin how to swim. Jongin was the one who dragged Kyungsoo to the park and ran up and down the slides with him. Kyungsoo was the one who dragged Jongin back home when he exhausted himself.
Jongin was the one who looked up countless movies, from foreign documentaries to independent films, and brought them over to Kyungsoo's house to watch for hours. Kyungsoo was the one who spent the day testing out new recipes with Jongin, from the good to the bad to the really-bad-how-is-this-legal.
Kyungsoo almost laughs, because he realizes why Jongin hates love so much - it ruins everything.
-
It's not fair. It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair. That's all Jongin can think: it's just not fair. It's not fair that his mother cries every night over the husband who abandoned her, that love left his home the moment his father did, that his idea of love is so twisted and convoluted despite all of his studying. It's not fair that love left him, and now love is trying to re-enter through the one person he can't afford to lose.
It's not like Jongin doesn't want to love Kyungsoo, because he does. He wants it more than he can bear to explain. But it's as if his mind forgot how to love, erased it from his functions and replaced it with meaningless numbers.
And it's not fair to Kyungsoo, either, who has only ever loved and loved, but never knew the satisfaction of being loved. Who stood by Jongin's side as he destroyed love with his hands, who replaced Jongin's broken heart with his already fragile heart, who let Jongin step on it and crack it.
Life is not fair.
And life is sometimes downright cruel, like when it decides to push Kyungsoo and Jongin back into each other, as if they were two magnets hovering too close and yet too far and the universe just got sick of the tension and decided it was time to end this game.
"I-I-" Jongin's words get stuck on his lips, and he laughs at the cruel irony because he feels his palms sweating and the butterflies in his stomach and so this is how love feels.
Kyungsoo doesn't meet his eyes. "Sorry," he mumbles, and moves to walk away again, but not before Jongin can reach out and grab him. Jongin isn't really thinking when he does it; all he knows is that he can't let Kyungsoo walk away again, not yet, not without having said something.
"Wait," he says, and Kyungsoo stops but he doesn't turn around. Jongin takes in a deep breath and starts speaking, knowing that if he doesn't say anything now, he may never have a chance to again. "I'm-I'm sorry."
Kyungsoo stiffens, and Jongin can tell he chose the wrong way to start. But he continues slowly. "I'm sorry I don't know how to deal with love. I mean, I studied it, but I could never get it. You know..." Kyungsoo doesn't reply, but Jongin knows his answer anyway.
"And I know you probably don't know how to deal with this love thing either. Maybe you're just as confused about it as I am?" Jongin asks hopefully. He anticipates Kyungsoo's answers, waits for him to say 'yes,' so Jongin can answer, 'We can figure this out together.'
But instead, Kyungsoo just turns around and smiles that smile he wears when he's hiding the weight of the world on his shoulders.
"Jongin, I don't think you even know anything about me anymore," Kyungsoo whispers, shaking his head. He pulls away, and he doesn't look back to see Jongin reach out to grab him again and missing by the slightest centimeter.
-
They continue avoiding each other.
Kyungsoo wonders if he said too much.
Jongin wonders if he said too little.
It's always either too much or not enough.
-
It's Saturday morning, and Kyungsoo is making pancakes in the kitchen. He's made too many again, much to his resentment. Why does Jongin have to take up such a large part of his life, even the subconscious areas?
Kyungsoo's grumbling is interrupted by his phone. He lowers the flames on the stove and look over at his phone. Speak of the devil.
There's an e-mail, and it's from Jongin.
He hesitates on opening it. He goes back to flipping pancakes, and once they're all done and he's allowed himself time to breathe, he takes a seat and clicks on the e-mail.
Kyungsoo,
I didn't want to be cheesy and write this all out for you, but once I started, I couldn't really stop. You're probably rolling your eyes at me, but hear me out - or, you know, read me out.
When you said I didn't know anything about you, I was hurt at first. I know you, Kyungsoo. You're the boy who gave me a cookie that second week of kindergarten, even though I brought a nickel instead of a quarter. You're the boy who told the bullies off, back when you were taller than me (not that that lasted long). You're the boy who took the bus with me through middle school, who put up with spit balls and heavy text books until the day I got my license, when I could finally drive us both. You're the boy who sang to me just before I fell asleep, back when we were young and still, even to today. (Yes, I've caught you. I just never said anything because I didn't want you to stop.)
But then I realized... you're right. I don't know you. I don't know who this Kyungsoo is anymore, the one who's in the cooking club. I don't know the Kyungsoo who takes singing class on Friday evenings (you don't need them). I don't know the Kyungsoo who tutors kids after school on Wednesdays, or the one who volunteers to read children's books at the local library on Saturday afternoons.
And I definitely don't know the Kyungsoo who once dated Park Chanyeol. Truthfully speaking, I don't think I want to know that Kyungsoo.
But I know my Kyungsoo. His lips curl into a smile whenever he hears a good song play on the radio. His eyes scrunch when he's happy (and when he's thinking). He plays with his fingers when he's nervous, and his voice always falters when he's unsure of himself. He plays board games with me on Friday nights, when he could be out doing something fun, and he stays up on Saturday nights to watch movies and eat old popcorn. He laughs quietly, but I hear it loud and clear.
It's the only laugh I ever want to hear.
And maybe I'm just trying to say "I love you" in the vaguest, most convoluted way possible, because you know I was never any good with words. I could probably calculate the number of stars out there in the universe for you, but I could never write you a poem or anything that you might actually want. Not that it matters anyway, because you already probably know. You always know.
Just like how you probably know I've been waiting outside your door, waiting for you to finish this e-mail (which will take you two minutes to read, maximum). It'll take you a minute to process it, then another half minute for you to come down and open the door.
Until then, I'll be waiting.
And Kyungsoo can't help it - he starts laughing because an e-mail confession is just so Jongin it hurts. He should probably be angry or something, but he knows feelings and Jongin are like oil and water and it's time he cuts Jongin slack for trying. He clutches his stomach as he makes his way over to the door, still chuckling.
Jongin is startled when the door opens, which only causes Kyungsoo to laugh more.
"Why are you laughing?" Jongin asks, frowning, although his lips start to curve at the sight of Kyungsoo. Laughing, happy Kyungsoo, the Kyungsoo he wants most.
"You're just so you," Kyungsoo answers as if that's a logical explanation. And to anyone else, that probably wouldn't have made sense, but Jongin still manages to understand.
"Sorry this took so long," Jongin starts, taking in a deep breath. "I spent time thinking about us and... love." Kyungsoo watches expectantly as Jongin ruffles the back of his hair.
"I still hate the idea of love," Jongin admits with a sigh, and Kyungsoo's smile wavers but he listens because he knows Jongin has more to say. "But- but I love you. And if I can love you, then I can learn to love love, right?"
Kyungsoo's face lights up like the first Christmas tree they ever decorated together, and Jongin feels as if the wind was knocked out of him. He knows love is pain, but this isn't as bad as he thought it'd be.
He could get used to this.
Kyungsoo steps forward and allows his lips to brush Jongin's cheek. It's not much, but it's a start, and that's all Jongin needs. Kyungsoo steps back and smiles that smile that says everything is okay, wait no, everything is better than okay - everything is great, and Jongin manages to return the gesture as he catches his breath.
Kyungsoo lets his fingers slip through Jongin's, who is reluctant to let go. He walks back into the house, and Jongin watches. He knows he should follow, but his legs are stuck, as if waiting for something.
"Well, are you coming in?" Kyungsoo asks, stopping when he realizes Jongin wasn't following and looking back at him. He's staring at Jongin with expectant eyes, eyes that remind Jongin of hope and the future and countless other scary things, love especially.
And Jongin smiles, nods, and steps into Kyungsoo's home (and heart), shutting the door behind him.
• fin.
a/n: omg i just wrote an entire kdrama in 5400 words i think. /sighs. sorry this is just so... bleh ;_; you deserve better, naomi ;; idk coming back from not writing for a while and dealing with writer's block doesn't create the greatest results at first, and i'm sorry it's your fic that had to suffer the results T.T but i tried for you! :)
please forgive any typos for now ;; i will go back and edit tomorrow when i have time, but right now i think i'm gonna pass out \o/
thank you for reading! (oh, also, did you guys get why jongin resented love, or at least its idea? i hinted at it but idk if it was strong enough /sighs)
kaisoo (jongin/kyungsoo).
pg.
au. romance. drama.
oneshot/~5400w.
The idea of falling in love is terrifying enough as is; the idea of falling in love with your best friend is simply unspeakable.
a/n: happy (late) birthday, naomi!
LET LOVE IN
Looking at it from a logical perspective, love doesn't make sense. There is no plausible explanation as to why people go around looking for love when love is nothing but trouble. It causes hearts to race and palms to perspire, makes the words twist just as they touch your tongue, and drives the sanest of men to do the craziest of things.
In Jongin's eyes, love is just nonsense. It's a jumble of feelings and flying thoughts, all of which are nothing but trouble. It just makes so much more sense to spend time calculating solid ideas than trying to make sense of smushy insides and bubbly smiles.
"Just think about how much better this world would be without love," Jongin says as he and Kyungsoo walk to class together. Kyungsoo has heard this argument so many times that he doesn't even bother rolling his eyes anymore.
"Love makes people mad," Jongin continues, shaking his head in disdain. "Just look at Romeo and Juliet. Killed themselves and others just for their silly infatuation. Love is just so-so-"
"Useless?" Kyungsoo guesses for him.
"Well, I was going to say 'idiotic,' but useless works too," Jongin says, and Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. "We could do without it, really."
Kyungsoo knows there's no point in arguing; he gave up trying years ago. Jongin is stubborn and insistent on his beliefs, and Kyungsoo can't get him to budge on this idea especially. He just offers a half-smile and gives Jongin a soft push into his class, moving to walk off.
"Hey, wait, are we gonna grab something to eat after school today?" Jongin calls after him. Kyungsoo turns around, books in his arm, and sighs.
"Sure," he answers, because he can never reject Jongin. He has never been able to, not even as children, when Jongin would somehow convince him that throwing glitter and playing with glue was a good idea.
"Great! I'll wait for you by your locker," Jongin says before ducking back into the classroom, vanishing from Kyungsoo's sight.
Kyungsoo tries not to let his shoulders sag as he walks to his class alone.
"Hey, you okay?" Chanyeol asks as Kyungsoo takes his seat.
"Yeah, just tired," Kyungsoo mumbles.
"You sure?" Chanyeol asks, frowning at the way Kyungsoo refuses to meet his eyes. "Hey, look at me," he says, sticking his hand out and forcing Kyungsoo to face him. "What's up?"
"Nothing," Kyungsoo repeats, a little sterner this time. Chanyeol doesn't believe him, but he doesn't say anything. He knows there's no away around Kyungsoo's stubbornness, unless your name is Kim Jongin.
"Well, Baekhyun and the rest of us are gonna hang out today after school. Wanna come?" he offers, changing the subject. Kyungsoo would love to, but he already made plans and he could never cancel Jongin.
"Thanks, but it's okay," he politely declines.
Chanyeol frowns. "You're going out with him?"
Kyungsoo glances at Chanyeol warily. "Yeah, so what if I am?" he asks defensively. Why does Chanyeol have to ask him with that tone?
"You should tell him soon," is all Chanyeol says in reply before he walks over and takes his seat as class begins.
Kyungsoo sighs and rests his head on the table. He knows that some things are better kept secret. Especially things concerning Jongin - Kyungsoo knows about those best.
-No one knows Jongin better than Kyungsoo. No one understands the little inside jokes about Chemistry and Calculus the way Kyungsoo does, and definitely no one laughs at them as loud as Kyungsoo does (although he laughs more out of pity than humor). No one understands why Jongin is so jaded by the idea of love, or why all he does is stare at the telephone every time Father's Day comes around. No one understands why Jongin works so hard for his grade when his mother is never around to congratulate him and his sister is always off at college, too far to truly help.
And no one understands why Kyungsoo looks up lame math jokes just for Jongin, why Kyungsoo stays up late the night before Father's Day making sure Jongin doesn't break down again, why Kyungsoo always buys Jongin an ice cream cone and treats him to a movie once report cards are out and Jongin has gotten all A's again.
No one understands, and Kyungsoo understands that. No one knows Jongin better than Kyungsoo.
But there are times when Kyungsoo wonders if there are others out there who know Kyungsoo better than Jongin.
-
"You're graduating soon," Jongin says when they're out at lunch together after school, between bites of his sandwich. "We should do something together this summer, before you leave for college." Kyungsoo wonders if he's right and there's a hint of sadness in Jongin's voice.
"Yeah," Kyungsoo answers. "We always spend our summers together anyway." It's weird that Jongin would bring it up, since it was unspoken word that they spend their free time together anyway, but maybe it's just the stress of school causing Jongin to act unlike himself.
"Maybe we could go to that science exhibit that just opened up," Jongin offers excitedly, only to be met with Kyungsoo's unamused stare. "Or whatever you want?" he relents, and Kyungsoo just rolls his eyes and continues eating.
Jongin doesn't want to admit it, but something has changed between him and Kyungsoo. The past few months have been stiff, Kyungsoo giving him half-hearted smiles and tired replies during their phone conversations. Jongin wondered if it was school and college applications that were causing his best friend to act so unlike himself, but once those were done and over, Kyungsoo didn't change back. He stayed elusive, and Jongin didn't like that one bit.
He missed his best friend. He missed Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo thinks about it for a moment. "Well, there is this poetry reading happening the first week of summer," Kyungsoo starts off. "Mr. Lee told me about it, and I thought it sounded cool, but I didn't know who to take."
Jongin blinks. "Since when were you into poetry?" he asks, frowning. He knows Kyungsoo likes literature class - Mr. Lee is his favorite teacher - but he thought Kyungsoo focused more on novels, not poetry.
Kyungsoo meets his glance, and Jongin wonders what he said wrong because his eyes harden. His face stays the same, but Jongin knows when he's done something wrong just by the way Kyungsoo looks at him. Jongin may not be good at literature, but he can read Kyungsoo like an open book.
"Nevermind," Kyungsoo mumbles, shaking his head. "We can go to that science exhibition whatever thing."
Jongin doesn't say anything; he just watches Kyungsoo continue to eat. Science exhibition whatever thing, Jongin thinks. Since when is Kyungsoo so incoherent with his words?
"Kyungsoo," Jongin says slowly, and Kyungsoo looks up right away just from the tone of his words. He can tell Jongin's about to say something serious. "If something's wrong, you can tell me, you know?"
Kyungsoo frowns. "I know," he says, and he returns to eating.
They eat in silence after that. It's not a comfortable silence, either, like the ones they share when they're lying in bed during sleepovers, waiting for slumber to take them but both fully awake and aware that the other is awake too. It's an unnerving silence that makes Jongin want to scream just to break it.
Kyungsoo leaves first with the excuse that he has homework to catch up on.
Jongin watches him leave and ignores the unsettling feeling in the bottom of his stomach, blaming it on the food instead. He doesn't feel hungry anymore anyway.
-
As much as Jongin dislikes the idea of love and its terrible effects on the human mind and body, he has an affinity towards the study of love. He wants to know every little thing about it, even if it's just to strengthen his theory that love is an nonsensical force in this universe.
Although Jongin claims to have never felt love first-handed - and he hopes never to - he knows about its symptoms. Sweaty palms, countless butterflies in the stomach, nervous smiles - he's read about them all. He's so well-versed in the study of love that he believes he can look at someone and know right away if he or she is in love.
That's how Jongin knew straight off the bat that Sehun was in love the moment they met in literature class. Sehun walked in with that goofy smile, and sat down beside Jongin without realizing it. Of course, Jongin needed to test his theory, so he befriended the boy and waited for further news. Just a week later, he learned about this so-called Luhan, a transfer student who Sehun never shuts up about.
Two months in, Sehun announced he was dating Luhan, and Jongin was happy. But mostly for himself, because that proved his hypothesis correct - Sehun was indeed in love, and Jongin had correctly guessed it.
The more Jongin studies about love, the more confused he gets though. Why would anyone want these symptoms? Why would anyone try to look for someone who makes you look and feel stupid? Why love, why love, why love?
Kyungsoo used to always laugh at him whenever Jongin would share his research. "You can do Calculus in your sleep, but you spend hours stressing over this? Love? And not even the actual emotion, but the study of it?" Kyungsoo would throw his head back and laugh, and Jongin would try his best not to throw a pillow at his best friend's face. "You take nerdiness to a new level, Jongin."
Then they would get into a fight over who's more nerdy. "You spent your entire summer reading next year's work!" Jongin argued, while Kyungsoo countered with, "You write equations in your notebook when you're bored! And don't even deny it, because I've seen you do it!" Their arguments were so stupid and pointless, but Jongin would never pass up an argument because of the way Kyungsoo's lips would always spread into a grin during them.
It was times like those that Jongin forgot about numbers and science and stupid things like love, because Kyungsoo pushed all the bad things out of his head and made him remember the good, even if it was just for a moment.
Kyungsoo always somehow knew how to make things that make no sense suddenly seem as clear as the sky to Jongin. Even when they were just kids and Kyungsoo would help him with addition and substraction, Kyungsoo had a way of explaining things in a way that Jongin understood.
Jongin would sometimes wonder if he should ask Kyungsoo to explain love to him. Maybe then it'd make a little more sense. But then he'd stop himself and laugh, because what would Kyungsoo know of love anyway?
-
It's the next day of school, and Jongin is walking to his second period.
"Hey, Jongin!" Sehun calls after him in the halls. Jongin doesn't hear him at first and keeps walking, and Sehun has to jog to catch up. "Why do you walk so fast," he pants as he catches up.
"Oh, hey," Jongin finally says, noticing him. "What's up?"
"Luhan wanted me to invite you to go biking with us. We're going to rent those pair bikes, you know, like the ones you see on TV," Sehun says.
Jongin eyes Sehun warily. "Why would I want to go biking with you guys?" he asks warily.
"Well, not just us, but everyone," Sehun says. "Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Kyungsoo." Jongin's ears perk at that, and confusion settles in soon after. Since when did Kyungsoo know Sehun and his friends?
"Why invite me?" Jongin asks, now confused about the invite. He's not really close with Luhan, so why would he care to invite Jongin?
"So Kyungsoo wouldn't feel awkward being around Chanyeol and Baekhyun," Sehun answers as if it's obvious.
"Why would it be awkward for Kyungsoo?" Jongin asks.
"Well, he is Chanyeol's ex, so..." Sehun says slowly, raising an eyebrow at the blank look on Jongin's face. "Wait, you didn't know know?"
"Obviously not," Jongin deadpans. He still can't even process that thought. Kyungsoo? And Chanyeol? Are they talking about the same Chanyeol? The one who put lizards down his pants just for a dare? That Chanyeol? And his Kyungsoo? Dated?
"I thought everyone knew," Sehun says with a shrug, and Jongin's frown deepens.
"Wait, how long ago was this?" Jongin asks. He can't believe Kyungsoo never told him either; isn't that what best friends do? Talk about their relationships and stuff. Sure, Jongin has shown his disdain for love, but not for plain old relationships. And he's never once shown any disdain for Kyungsoo.
"I don't know, maybe a couple months back? It didn't last long, though. Kyungsoo broke it off not too long after their first date." Sehun watches Jongin's reactions carefully, taking note of Jongin's incredulous look.
A couple months back... when Kyungsoo started acting weird, Jongin thinks, putting the pieces together. No wonder. Jongin tries to keep the bitterness out of his thoughts, but it's hard.
"I guess that makes sense now," Sehun thinks aloud, and Jongin's eyes flash to him.
"What makes sense?"
"Why you weren't mad about it earlier."
Jongin sputters. "I wouldn't have been mad." Sehun gives him that really? look, and Jongin glares at him. "Really. I'm just frustrated now because he never told me."
"I wonder why," Sehun snorts sarcastically.
Jongin narrows his eyes at Sehun. What more does Sehun know about his best friend that he doesn't? "So is he dating anyone else right now?" Might as well squeeze as much as he can out of Sehun while he's here.
"No," Sehun answers.
Jongin doesn't notice the way his shoulders sag in relief, but Sehun does.
He waits to see if Jongin asks the real Golden Question, but he doesn't. He just straightens up and says he's going to class now.
"If you see Kyungsoo, tell him I want to talk," Jongin says before he leaves. Sehun watches Jongin ruffle with the back of his hair the way he always does when he's frustrated - he's been doing it more often, and Sehun knows it's not because of school.
For such smart kids, they sure are dumb.
-
Jongin met Kyungsoo when he was just six-years-old. The only two quiet kids on the playground found solace in each other, playing ball or pushing each other on the swings. Always side by side, they did everything together.
Fate would have it that they grow up together, too. Kyungsoo always wondered how they ended up so different yet so similar. How Jongin was about sunsets and sleeping, while Kyungsoo was about sunrises and seeing. How Jongin ended up a numbers person, surrounded by equations and formulas where there was only one right answer, while Kyungsoo turned out to be a book person, fascinated with words and the fact that there was no such thing as a right answer. How Jongin lost, while Kyungsoo learned.
How Jongin ended up hating the very thing Kyungsoo yearns for the most - love.
Jongin didn't know he'd meet Kyungsoo when he was just six-years-old, just as he wouldn't know he'd break Kyungsoo's heart eleven years later.
And Kyungsoo would let him.
-
"Sehun said you were looking for me," Kyungsoo's quiet voice breaks Jongin's concentration. It's lunch time, and Jongin is putting his books away in his locker. Kyungsoo, already done putting away his books, waits for him. "He was trying to act all mysterious, too." Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow at the memory of Sehun's wiggling eyebrows. "You make weird friends, Jongin."
"That explains you, right?" Jongin snorts, glancing at Kyungsoo, who cracks a small smile.
"No, I came before the whole weird-friends phase."
"You came before everything," Jongin says without thinking. He pauses once he realizes what he just said, then goes back to putting away his books, wondering what he just said and what that even meant.
Kyungsoo stares at him, and Jongin wonders when Kyungsoo's stare became so unnerving to Jongin. Jongin waits for him to say something, but he doesn't, so Jongin goes ahead.
"So Luhan invited me biking," he starts off, and Kyungsoo nods.
"Yeah, he told me he would. You don't have to go, though. I know you don't really like biking." Jongin doesn't know why, but he doesn't like how Kyungsoo just brushes off Jongin like that. As if they aren't friends, as if it doesn't matter if Jongin goes or not, as if Jongin doesn't matter.
"But Sehun told me he invited me to make things less awkward."
Kyungsoo doesn't reply; he just stares at Jongin with that gaze and Jongin realizes why Kyungsoo's stares are so unnerving these days. He can no longer read them. Kyungsoo's eyes are guarded and cautious, and Jongin wonders when he put these walls up and why he never noticed before.
"He told me about you and Chanyeol."
Kyungsoo's gaze falters at that, and Jongin knows he's got him caught now. He hates how it had to be the mentioning of Chanyeol that startled Kyungsoo, though.
"What about me and Chanyeol?" Kyungsoo asks, and he tries to sound nonchalant but he can't help but come off as stiff. He's going to kill Sehun and Luhan after this.
"You two dated," Jongin says, and he hopes he doesn't sound as bitter as he feels. It's one thing hearing this from Sehun, but another getting the verification from the look on Kyungsoo's face.
"So?" Kyungsoo asks through gritted teeth.
"So? So why didn't you tell me?!" Jongin snaps. He hates playing these games; he was never good with them. Those were always Kyungsoo's strengths.
"Why does it matter?" Kyungsoo huffs in frustration. It was so long ago that it's not even relevant to Kyungsoo and Chanyeol's friendship anymore.
"Because!" Jongin yells, and he sounds like the kid Kyungsoo met years ago, arguing with the other kids as to why Power Rangers will always beat the Ninja Mutant Teenage Turtles. But he's no longer as small or as innocent or as fragile as he once was to Kyungsoo, and that frightens Kyungsoo.
His handsome face, round lips, sharp jawline - it all scares Kyungsoo. Why did Jongin have to grow up? Why did Kyungsoo have to grow up?
"Because what?" Kyungsoo bites, fists clenched.
"Because I'm your best friend," Jongin spits, and Kyungsoo's never hated that term so much because all it has done is put Kyungsoo in a box he can't escape from. Best friend, best friend, best friend - that's all he'll ever be to Jongin: a best friend. "And best friends tell each other these things."
Kyungsoo lets out a dark laugh at that. "Yeah, right. Like how you told me when you liked Taemin?"
Jongin's eyes darken. "That was different-"
"How so? You never told me-"
"I never dated him-"
"Does it matter?! It's the same concept!"
"No, it's not!"
Kyungsoo shakes his head, frustrated. "Yes, it is," he says, trying to calm himself down. "I don't even know why we're having this conversation. Let's just go have lunch and forget about this." Kyungsoo turns around, ready to leave, when Jongin reaches out and pulls him back, causing him to stumble a bit.
"Hey, don't-"
"Are you still in love with Chanyeol?" Jongin asks, face so serious and somber that Kyungsoo wonders if this is really the same boy who would make silly faces with him in car window reflections when they were younger.
"God, no!" Kyungsoo yells in disgust, glaring at Jongin who's staring at him with an unreadable expression. Truth is, he never loved Chanyeol at all. Not in that sense at least. He just confused his reaction towards the attention and extra affection for something more, something he wanted from someone else.
"Yeah, right," Jongin finally scoffs, after staring at Kyungsoo. "I know love when I see it," he bites in disgust, stepping back once. He doesn't meet Kyungsoo's eyes anymore, staring at the wall behind him instead. "You know, if you love Chanyeol, you could have just told m-"
"You idiot," Kyungsoo hisses, interrupting him. Jongin looks taken aback, but he doesn't say anything. "I'm not in love with Chanyeol, because I love you, dammit!" Kyungsoo screams, panting. He can't tell if his breathlessness if from Jongin or his confession; it's most likely both.
Jongin doesn't reply, but Kyungsoo doesn't expect an answer anyway.
"But maybe I'm the idiot for loving someone who hates love, huh?" Kyungsoo laughs bitterly, shaking his head. He storms off, and Jongin moves to let him because he doesn't know what else to do. His mind is completely blank of everything except for Kyungsoo's, "I love you," ringing in his head.
Kyungsoo doesn't know why he had even hoped Jongin would run after him.
-
The first time Jongin ever hurt Kyungsoo was when he was seven-years-old and Kyungsoo was eight. It was an accident at first - Jongin didn't mean to throw the toy car at Kyungsoo - but Kyungsoo's tears wouldn't stop and Jongin got frustrated, because no matter how many times he apologized, it didn't seem to ease the pain, and he just wanted to play. He called Kyungsoo a cry baby and stormed off.
In the end, their parents came to their rescue. Jongin's mom made Jongin apologize, and Kyungsoo's mom cleaned up Kyungsoo and laid out strawberries for the two to eat together. Jongin, upon seeing the Pororo band-aid on Kyungsoo's cheek and his puffy red eyes, frowned and realized his mistake. He sat beside Kyungsoo and let him eat all the good strawberries as his own way of apologizing.
And because boys will be boys, there would be countless times Jongin hurts Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo hurts Jongin. Mostly by mistake, there would be some sort of mishap or misunderstanding, and someone would get hurt. And when one of them gets hurt, the other unknowingly suffers his own bruise.
But in the end, they always apologize. They always reunite and make up, because cracked skin and bleeding cuts were never enough to threaten a friendship like theirs.
Now it's a matter of whether or not a broken heart can.
-
Jongin and Kyungsoo have never gone this long without talking, with the exception of the times when one of them went on vacation. And even those times were hard on them.
"How long has it been now?" Baekhyun asks with a sigh as Kyungsoo sits down beside him at lunch a week later from their fight, eyes tired and spirit wearing.
"Does it matter?" is all Kyungsoo replies. "He made his answer clear."
Baekhyun frowns. "Kyungsoo-"
"Don't, Baekhyun." Kyungsoo shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. "I know Jongin better than anyone, and I know he will never... return my feelings," he mumbles, opening his lunch bag quietly.
"Well, then he's an idiot," Baekhyun says with a tone of finality that Kyungsoo wishes he could have. He's never been sure of himself. Confidence was always Jongin's thing.
Kyungsoo smiles bitterly. He supposes he'll just have to learn to live without Jongin.
-
There was never really a life without Jongin. Kyungsoo can't really remember a time when Jongin wasn't in his life, and all those times he can remember are eventless in his life. Everything fun or exciting he ever did, he did with Jongin.
Jongin was the one who taught Kyungsoo how to bike. Kyungsoo was the one who taught Jongin how to swim. Jongin was the one who dragged Kyungsoo to the park and ran up and down the slides with him. Kyungsoo was the one who dragged Jongin back home when he exhausted himself.
Jongin was the one who looked up countless movies, from foreign documentaries to independent films, and brought them over to Kyungsoo's house to watch for hours. Kyungsoo was the one who spent the day testing out new recipes with Jongin, from the good to the bad to the really-bad-how-is-this-legal.
Kyungsoo almost laughs, because he realizes why Jongin hates love so much - it ruins everything.
-
It's not fair. It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair. That's all Jongin can think: it's just not fair. It's not fair that his mother cries every night over the husband who abandoned her, that love left his home the moment his father did, that his idea of love is so twisted and convoluted despite all of his studying. It's not fair that love left him, and now love is trying to re-enter through the one person he can't afford to lose.
It's not like Jongin doesn't want to love Kyungsoo, because he does. He wants it more than he can bear to explain. But it's as if his mind forgot how to love, erased it from his functions and replaced it with meaningless numbers.
And it's not fair to Kyungsoo, either, who has only ever loved and loved, but never knew the satisfaction of being loved. Who stood by Jongin's side as he destroyed love with his hands, who replaced Jongin's broken heart with his already fragile heart, who let Jongin step on it and crack it.
Life is not fair.
And life is sometimes downright cruel, like when it decides to push Kyungsoo and Jongin back into each other, as if they were two magnets hovering too close and yet too far and the universe just got sick of the tension and decided it was time to end this game.
"I-I-" Jongin's words get stuck on his lips, and he laughs at the cruel irony because he feels his palms sweating and the butterflies in his stomach and so this is how love feels.
Kyungsoo doesn't meet his eyes. "Sorry," he mumbles, and moves to walk away again, but not before Jongin can reach out and grab him. Jongin isn't really thinking when he does it; all he knows is that he can't let Kyungsoo walk away again, not yet, not without having said something.
"Wait," he says, and Kyungsoo stops but he doesn't turn around. Jongin takes in a deep breath and starts speaking, knowing that if he doesn't say anything now, he may never have a chance to again. "I'm-I'm sorry."
Kyungsoo stiffens, and Jongin can tell he chose the wrong way to start. But he continues slowly. "I'm sorry I don't know how to deal with love. I mean, I studied it, but I could never get it. You know..." Kyungsoo doesn't reply, but Jongin knows his answer anyway.
"And I know you probably don't know how to deal with this love thing either. Maybe you're just as confused about it as I am?" Jongin asks hopefully. He anticipates Kyungsoo's answers, waits for him to say 'yes,' so Jongin can answer, 'We can figure this out together.'
But instead, Kyungsoo just turns around and smiles that smile he wears when he's hiding the weight of the world on his shoulders.
"Jongin, I don't think you even know anything about me anymore," Kyungsoo whispers, shaking his head. He pulls away, and he doesn't look back to see Jongin reach out to grab him again and missing by the slightest centimeter.
-
They continue avoiding each other.
Kyungsoo wonders if he said too much.
Jongin wonders if he said too little.
It's always either too much or not enough.
-
It's Saturday morning, and Kyungsoo is making pancakes in the kitchen. He's made too many again, much to his resentment. Why does Jongin have to take up such a large part of his life, even the subconscious areas?
Kyungsoo's grumbling is interrupted by his phone. He lowers the flames on the stove and look over at his phone. Speak of the devil.
There's an e-mail, and it's from Jongin.
He hesitates on opening it. He goes back to flipping pancakes, and once they're all done and he's allowed himself time to breathe, he takes a seat and clicks on the e-mail.
Kyungsoo,
I didn't want to be cheesy and write this all out for you, but once I started, I couldn't really stop. You're probably rolling your eyes at me, but hear me out - or, you know, read me out.
When you said I didn't know anything about you, I was hurt at first. I know you, Kyungsoo. You're the boy who gave me a cookie that second week of kindergarten, even though I brought a nickel instead of a quarter. You're the boy who told the bullies off, back when you were taller than me (not that that lasted long). You're the boy who took the bus with me through middle school, who put up with spit balls and heavy text books until the day I got my license, when I could finally drive us both. You're the boy who sang to me just before I fell asleep, back when we were young and still, even to today. (Yes, I've caught you. I just never said anything because I didn't want you to stop.)
But then I realized... you're right. I don't know you. I don't know who this Kyungsoo is anymore, the one who's in the cooking club. I don't know the Kyungsoo who takes singing class on Friday evenings (you don't need them). I don't know the Kyungsoo who tutors kids after school on Wednesdays, or the one who volunteers to read children's books at the local library on Saturday afternoons.
And I definitely don't know the Kyungsoo who once dated Park Chanyeol. Truthfully speaking, I don't think I want to know that Kyungsoo.
But I know my Kyungsoo. His lips curl into a smile whenever he hears a good song play on the radio. His eyes scrunch when he's happy (and when he's thinking). He plays with his fingers when he's nervous, and his voice always falters when he's unsure of himself. He plays board games with me on Friday nights, when he could be out doing something fun, and he stays up on Saturday nights to watch movies and eat old popcorn. He laughs quietly, but I hear it loud and clear.
It's the only laugh I ever want to hear.
And maybe I'm just trying to say "I love you" in the vaguest, most convoluted way possible, because you know I was never any good with words. I could probably calculate the number of stars out there in the universe for you, but I could never write you a poem or anything that you might actually want. Not that it matters anyway, because you already probably know. You always know.
Just like how you probably know I've been waiting outside your door, waiting for you to finish this e-mail (which will take you two minutes to read, maximum). It'll take you a minute to process it, then another half minute for you to come down and open the door.
Until then, I'll be waiting.
And Kyungsoo can't help it - he starts laughing because an e-mail confession is just so Jongin it hurts. He should probably be angry or something, but he knows feelings and Jongin are like oil and water and it's time he cuts Jongin slack for trying. He clutches his stomach as he makes his way over to the door, still chuckling.
Jongin is startled when the door opens, which only causes Kyungsoo to laugh more.
"Why are you laughing?" Jongin asks, frowning, although his lips start to curve at the sight of Kyungsoo. Laughing, happy Kyungsoo, the Kyungsoo he wants most.
"You're just so you," Kyungsoo answers as if that's a logical explanation. And to anyone else, that probably wouldn't have made sense, but Jongin still manages to understand.
"Sorry this took so long," Jongin starts, taking in a deep breath. "I spent time thinking about us and... love." Kyungsoo watches expectantly as Jongin ruffles the back of his hair.
"I still hate the idea of love," Jongin admits with a sigh, and Kyungsoo's smile wavers but he listens because he knows Jongin has more to say. "But- but I love you. And if I can love you, then I can learn to love love, right?"
Kyungsoo's face lights up like the first Christmas tree they ever decorated together, and Jongin feels as if the wind was knocked out of him. He knows love is pain, but this isn't as bad as he thought it'd be.
He could get used to this.
Kyungsoo steps forward and allows his lips to brush Jongin's cheek. It's not much, but it's a start, and that's all Jongin needs. Kyungsoo steps back and smiles that smile that says everything is okay, wait no, everything is better than okay - everything is great, and Jongin manages to return the gesture as he catches his breath.
Kyungsoo lets his fingers slip through Jongin's, who is reluctant to let go. He walks back into the house, and Jongin watches. He knows he should follow, but his legs are stuck, as if waiting for something.
"Well, are you coming in?" Kyungsoo asks, stopping when he realizes Jongin wasn't following and looking back at him. He's staring at Jongin with expectant eyes, eyes that remind Jongin of hope and the future and countless other scary things, love especially.
And Jongin smiles, nods, and steps into Kyungsoo's home (and heart), shutting the door behind him.
• fin.
a/n: omg i just wrote an entire kdrama in 5400 words i think. /sighs. sorry this is just so... bleh ;_; you deserve better, naomi ;; idk coming back from not writing for a while and dealing with writer's block doesn't create the greatest results at first, and i'm sorry it's your fic that had to suffer the results T.T but i tried for you! :)
please forgive any typos for now ;; i will go back and edit tomorrow when i have time, but right now i think i'm gonna pass out \o/
thank you for reading! (oh, also, did you guys get why jongin resented love, or at least its idea? i hinted at it but idk if it was strong enough /sighs)