Like a bad star, im falling faster..
Seriously my life is not going too good right now. sometimes i just dont wanna be here. first of all all my family is like bitching at me and on my ass for everything and i swear they are annoying me and everything is just getting to me. its like everything has to be my fault. progress reports were yesterday. i got a 62 D in english. 40 F in algebra. 90 A in bst. 100 A in lms. 69 D in spanish. 27 F in Parenting Skills and a 42 F in science. WTF?!?! and i coulda sworn the only f i would have would be in algebra for sure. cuz i hadnt done 1 homework assignment all quarter and get very low test grades. im so stupid at times i swear! why the fuck do i let myself be so stupid? i make such stupid choices and mistakes sometimes i swear. i mean i dont get the point why i even try. then again i let myself do it. i let myself earn those grades. in algebra atleast. but why did i even try at all? why do i even go to school?why do i fucking keep letting myself screw up at things and in the process i know damn well i am fucking it up for myself. i feel so stupid and unsmart. i deffinetly did not show my mom or anyone in my family. im scared though that shannons mom will mention something to my mom about shannons progress report then that will only leave my mom to ask me for mine when she has no idea they came out yet. if she finds out i will be in so much trouble and so grounded. and i will go back to how i used to be last january of last year. and i dont wanna go back to that. i just hope i can pull my grades up and her not have to see my progress report. i need to do good. but i like dont have the motivation to do good. or the right mind set. i need to get it though. seriously i mean i dont even have the motivation to hget myself out of bed somedays. yesterday seriously triggered this. stupid grades. i didnt go to school today. though i did have a miagrain. and i wasnt faking this time. but it was a job to get her to let me stay home. she said no phone and no computer so when she left for work i finally got out of bed and tried to go on my computer but ofcourse she undoes all the shit and takes it with her or hides the box thing that allows me to go on the internet. what a bitch. sorta smart tho i guess. and i guess she had a point. so i watched tv all day. and took a very long shower which was the highlight of my day only because so far it has been the only thing i have done that has been productive. im also stressed though because i really wanted to go to that show in like 2 weeks and knowing im not gonna be able to go seriously upsets me. i woulda done anything to go. its like all i wanted and i tried so hard to convince my mom to let me. but now shes all like actin like shes not ever gonna let me go to another one when last time everything went perfectly fine and she knows it. but oh no just from shit that happened way back when and how people have tried to tell her im too young to do this and to do that. fuck them. they dont even know me. not very many people accually know me. im just so sick of fucking having to act like everything is perfectly okay. i mean thats why i like when i accually do get to hang out with my only 2 really really best friends shannon and sam. cuz they are the only people i can be with that accually get me to be my normal happy goofy self. and when i am with them i dont usually think about everything that is bothering me. i mean on average i am okay. but times like this i find that i am deffinetly not. but still somehow go along and act like everything is. like i have to act like everything is okay. or like i just dont want people to see me in a different way? i mean i dont even normally like my own family to see me like this. and most have no idea. not a clue that i am even the least bit what i am accually feeling and going through. valentines day is accually coming up. i seriously hate that day now. used to love it. then again used to ment class partys back in elementary school and my mom waking me up giving me a hug and a bag of valentines day stuff. back when i didnt know what the words stressed and depressed even were. and if you fucking think i am writing this to either get attention or to make people feel sorry for me then you trully do not know me. i am not one to try to get people to feel bad for me. ever. i am doing this because i am sick of holding it all in and letting everything get to me. and i am sick of everyone thinking i am always perfectly happy. im not happy. and personally i cannot think of one think i am trully happy about right now. i have decided tho i am going to school on valentines day. cuz what is staying home unless i am accually sick and totally not feeling good like today. today i really did feel like crap. and my throat is still killing me. but i think i better be going. my mom should be getting home soon and god for bid she finds me on here. i will write more tomorrow. cuz accually i have not gotten everything out yet. i did have an okay weekend though. did nothing except stay home and then sunday night sammie came over and we hung out and it was cool. last night we went to the thing at the new school. the school itself was okay i guess. idk for sure yet though. the choices for colors and mascots that i have so far heard are very lame. i just wish sammie was going there. that would make me happy. but yeah we left early cuz the meeting was lame and pointless. so we sat outside the rest of the time by ourselves under the flag poles until my mom finally came to get us. alright im out. gonna go pick my room up a bit and accually organize everything for school like get binders and folders organized and set up so i can be more organized in start of accually trying.