Bottling 101
I'm waiting for an epiphany.
I've been feeling very empty lately, and I'm not sure why or what from. A few ideas are brewing, but it seems like nothing will be conclusive for a while.
I'm finding myself more and more distant from my friends and those that mean something to me every day. And most of it isn't because of my choice to distance myself from them. I find that the only thing more apparent than people's disability to keep their word to other people is their disability to keep their word to themself.
Oh, what's that? Everybody's supposed to forget the fact that you were putting yourself on a year of abstinence after the break up? AND the fact that you didn't want another boyfriend? AND that IF you found another boyfriend, he'd have to understand that there'd be no sex for a year? And yet after about a week or so of dating, you've almost gone all the way... and you've done everything but in the meantime. But "he's different" and "[I'd] have to understand the love [you] have for each other and the way he makes [you] feel", and all of a sudden it's all right?
Who's more in the wrong? You, for not keeping your own word, which you made VERY clear to EVERYBODY that you were DEAD serious about ALL of it? Or me, for thinking that you're no different and proving you're just the same as all the rest, because you found out that you were wrong?
But we ARE human, and we DO make mistakes, and we ARE weak. ... Right?
If anybody is ever in doubt of their morals, go ahead and do whatever the fuck you want, and just resort to the "humans make mistakes" scapegoat.
I'm probably more confused about my women issue than I have been in a good while. I'm probably more confused about my religion/lack thereof/agnosticism than I have been in a good while.
I've thought I know what I want, and who I am, and for the first time in a long while, I'm not so sure of that any more. And that's fine, because we're always changing. But, like I said, I'm not sure. And IF I'm changing, I don't know what I'm changing TO. I wouldn't say I have a problem with change... but I am questionable about change that has an uncertain destination. I suppose all I can do is enjoy the ride, though it is hard and I can't help but want to continually try and grasp out for a bar to hold onto. But that's if I'm changing.
If I'm not, well then I don't know why I'm feeling all the ways I am, which are so inexplicable, even unto myself, that they cannot be put into words.
Underneath it all, I know who I am and what I stand for, and what I want. But on the surface, a lot of that seems like it may be changing right now, and I don't know why. It's weird, how we can be always changing who we are and how we live, and yet, we're still always being ourselves, and we're still always "who we are".
I've been watching a lot of Waking Life recently. That's why I said I'm looking for an epiphany.
I've got my stand-up evaluation on the 15th (Tuesday)... I'm not sure what I'm going to do for it yet. I'm not sure it even really matters. I'm not sure what matters to me any more, and that's a very unnerving thought. For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling a lot of anger and hate towards things that have generated absolutely none in the past. I almost feel like taking my "no bullshit" policy to the extreme, where I go out of my way to let people know what I truly think, even if it's a negative thing to say.
Not that I'm necessarily going to do that, but that's just a fraction of the mixture of crazy notions going through my head. If I was an alchemist, perhaps I could truly sell these 24 karat ideas to a psychiatrist.
Uh oh, I'm sounding conceited. Fuck it.
At the same time as all this crazy blend of who-knows is going on, I am also experiencing a feeling of pure freedom. If I truly don't care, then I have nothing to lose. And that is such a great gift to have, to have nothing to lose, because it enables me to do what I want. Of course, you don't take it to the extreme and go commit crimes or anything, but it really does sort of put me on a higher plane than other people. Not in the sense that I'm better than them or more worthy or smarter, or whatever, but rather that I'm able to do so much more along the lines of "being free" (whatever that is).
I don't even think I know what I'm talking about any more. My empathy is combated by my hate.
I am hateful but empathetic, surrounded by hundreds but feeling incredibly alone, and totally confined to a state of being everywhere at once. It's the ultimate paradox.
And through it all, I can say these things and comment on it all I want, and be more in-depth and share more about my honest, personal feelings than ever before, and lay it all on the table, where anybody and everybody can see this thing which is so personal and important to me... and at the end of the day, it won't make a difference. Nothing will change. Nobody will read it because it's too long, or comment because they're too taken-aback about what to say, or they will comment because they feel the need to humour me, or they really do care... who knows. I'd better shut up before I kill us all.
I am so confused right now.