Film Review
So I saw The Longest Yard tonight.
Warning: Mild Spoilers inside (as if you wouldn't be able to figure out what's going to happen yourself, like this is some fucking gem that you can't let out of the bag)
I laughed more during the hour-long walk there (excluding a stop at Wendy's for food) and the hour-long walk back (excluding a stop at Tim Horton's) from conversations had with my friend, Charles.
Think of every cliché you could fit in a very bad re-make of a very decent film. Then, imagine a very rich man with his own production company paying people to come up with even more, camp it up beyond all Hell, and release it into the public.
You're getting close to what this movie is.
It's awful. Now, granted, there was a time or two when I was genuinely amused. However, the few times I was sincerely entertained did not nearly make up for the rest of the times I was laughing at how horrible, cliché, predictable or just plain dumb the other stuff was.
There was one part in the movie where they must have played the first 20 seconds to 6 different songs in the span of 2 minutes. It was all those "College Party Anthems Volume 5" shit things you heard a few years back, with stuff from AC/DC, The Crystal Method, House of Pain, etc. All those songs that tell you, the stupid, unreceptive audience members, that SHIT IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN! Not just yet, though, we're still just getting ready, hence the music. This music playing right now, like what you would hear just prior to a hockey game starting, is your cue to get ready for a scene of HIGH-INTENSITY ACTION, and lots of HARD HITS, and WHAMS and BAMS... but, just in a second. When that actually starts, we'll change music again, and kick up the volume, but for now, this music is to let you know that we are ABOUT TO KICK ASS AND TAKE NAMES. Yes, indeed, this is the "about to open up a can of whoop-ass" music.
Chris Rock doesn't surprise anybody when he encorporates his now redundant black vs. white stand up jokes. Chris Rock making a black man vs. white man joke in a movie? WHO'DA THUNK?!
We're also graced by the highly-trained and much-redeemed acting talents of NELLY. We are introduced to his character on a basketball court, go figure, where he has an apparently very good rep for being a great baller (and shot caller?). Obviously, his skills on a football field are just as good, if not better. He makes a few jokes about his sneakers, or lack thereof, and gets treated to a brand new pair of cleats later in the film. Of course, he already owns thousands of pairs, what from that endorsement deal (oops, I mean music video) and millions of dollars he makes, PLUS he can look forward to being able to pimp his album along with this film.
Rob Schneider (I don't care how you spell his name) is, unfortunately, in the movie for the sole part of making dipshit 17 year-olds laugh at his now VERY redundant catch-phrase, "YOU can DOO EET". He had, maybe, two other lines. I am wondering if there is some clause in Happy Madison's contracts (Happy Madison is Adam Sandler's production company) saying that Rob Shnyder has to appear at least once in every one of his movies, even if for the sole purpose of making fun of himself and appealing to dipshit 17 year-olds who should be shot and put away for laughing at that shit. With Deuce Biggalo 2 (Europe) coming out, this just proves to me that these people LOVE to throw money away.
Grab a bunch of ringers to fill the rest of the roles that require nice bodies and sub-par acting skills, and welcome to the forefront the likes of Bill Goldberg, Steve Austin, Kevin Nash (to name a few), and a bunch of other no-names you've never heard of. One guy, especially, really stands out. I don't remember his character name, because he wasn't that important. He's a freak who speaks to nobody, but Sandler's character breaks through to him, of course, because he's the protagonist. In real life, the man is Dalip Singh (aka Giant Singh), a 7 foot 3, 410 lbs. wrestler born out of India. And, because you're a stupid audience member who doesn't understand English if it's not from New York, Boston or the South, he's got subtitles to back him up whenever he says anything.
Burt Reynolds' character from the first film comes out of nowhere, with only an explanation that he's been in prison for a while (I thought we were re-doing this, not extending it), and that he'll be coach. Oh, also, he's a former award-winning NFL coach, if that helps. Not like it's a shit load of coincidences or anything.
Half the cast is NFL, either current or former. Hell, the wide receiver for the "good guys" (Mean Machines) is none other than Michael Irvin, former wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys (who, for those of you who didn't used to follow the Cowboys religiously like I did, were once the undefeatable dream team that nobody wanted to fuck with. The Detroit Red Wings of football, if you will).
The "jokes", if you can call them that, are horrible. There is a group of inmates at this prison who are guys dressed as, thinking they're, and living as women. And by god, Sandler won't let you forget that. During the final game vs. the guards of the prison, we see this team of transvesties cheerleading and dancing about 7, maybe 8 times. After the 3rd, you're screaming "WE GET IT." After the 6th, you're screaming, "WE GET IT! WE GOT IT AFTER THE FIRST! IT LOST ITS FUNNY A LONG TIME AGO." But Adam can't hear you, silly. He's important and in American somewhere.
SNL's Tracey Morgan heads this group of babes, which is... very self-explanatory. You'd expect this from something like the Wayans brothers. Actually, you'd rather it be done by them, because at least then you know they'd try and explore more with that character (though it'll still be stupid), and you can laugh at how they get it wrong over and over, instead of getting tired of watching Morgan do the same stupid shit that never worked in the first place.
After Sandley did Punch Drunk Love, it's sad to see him go back to stuff like 50 First Dates, whatever that other piece of shit in between was, and this. To know what he's capable of, but that he'd rather just beat the shit out of people while screaming, yelling, running, and making faces, silly noises and horribly overdone jokes that any dipshit 17 year-old can write.
One of the worst things about this film (or perhaps the best, seeing how I didn't know how much longer I wanted to sit through that) was that it didn't end. The story was not over, SO MANY questions that they brought up early on were left unanswered. Hell, the REASON WHY the Warden of the prison wanted this game televised was because he thought it would help him win the office of Governor in the state of Texas. Did we find out if he got that chair, or if he got what's coming to him? NOPE!
We're wanting to know what happens, then, with Sandler's character. Does he stay there, then? Does he get out? How long does he stay there for? What about that guard who was quarterback for the other team? Did he quit? He surely wouldn't have stayed there working for that warden after all this happened, knowing the things he does. Does he go to the state and report him and his prison for gross misconduct and crimes against humanity for the way they torture their inmates far beyond what is legal? What about that Burt Reynold's coach guy? What's up with him? Do all the inmates get beat the hell up, or are they left alone and respected, and things in the prison change? Does the warden have a change of heart?
Instead, this is the last scene of the movie, after Sandler's character hands the Warden the game ball, tells him to stick that in his trophy case, and runs off.
The WARDEN stands there in disbelief, holding the GAME BALL.
Two players from MEAN MACHINES (Bill Goldberg and somebody) come up behind the WARDEN and dump the keg of GATORADE overhim.
GOLDBERG
Good game, sir.
WARDEN
That's a week in the hot-house for the both of you!
GOLDBERG (O.S.)
Who gives a shit?
*BLACKOUT*
... and the audience is numbed.
I know they say that no animals are harmed during the making of the film, but what about that metaphorical horse that they beat the shit out of? My god, that thing's just lying in pain and agony, and they're standing over it with a mallet, trying to work that same joke a thousand different ways.
If you want to see this movie, save your 14 dollars and rent the original movie.
Warning: Mild Spoilers inside (as if you wouldn't be able to figure out what's going to happen yourself, like this is some fucking gem that you can't let out of the bag)
I laughed more during the hour-long walk there (excluding a stop at Wendy's for food) and the hour-long walk back (excluding a stop at Tim Horton's) from conversations had with my friend, Charles.
Think of every cliché you could fit in a very bad re-make of a very decent film. Then, imagine a very rich man with his own production company paying people to come up with even more, camp it up beyond all Hell, and release it into the public.
You're getting close to what this movie is.
It's awful. Now, granted, there was a time or two when I was genuinely amused. However, the few times I was sincerely entertained did not nearly make up for the rest of the times I was laughing at how horrible, cliché, predictable or just plain dumb the other stuff was.
There was one part in the movie where they must have played the first 20 seconds to 6 different songs in the span of 2 minutes. It was all those "College Party Anthems Volume 5" shit things you heard a few years back, with stuff from AC/DC, The Crystal Method, House of Pain, etc. All those songs that tell you, the stupid, unreceptive audience members, that SHIT IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN! Not just yet, though, we're still just getting ready, hence the music. This music playing right now, like what you would hear just prior to a hockey game starting, is your cue to get ready for a scene of HIGH-INTENSITY ACTION, and lots of HARD HITS, and WHAMS and BAMS... but, just in a second. When that actually starts, we'll change music again, and kick up the volume, but for now, this music is to let you know that we are ABOUT TO KICK ASS AND TAKE NAMES. Yes, indeed, this is the "about to open up a can of whoop-ass" music.
Chris Rock doesn't surprise anybody when he encorporates his now redundant black vs. white stand up jokes. Chris Rock making a black man vs. white man joke in a movie? WHO'DA THUNK?!
We're also graced by the highly-trained and much-redeemed acting talents of NELLY. We are introduced to his character on a basketball court, go figure, where he has an apparently very good rep for being a great baller (and shot caller?). Obviously, his skills on a football field are just as good, if not better. He makes a few jokes about his sneakers, or lack thereof, and gets treated to a brand new pair of cleats later in the film. Of course, he already owns thousands of pairs, what from that endorsement deal (oops, I mean music video) and millions of dollars he makes, PLUS he can look forward to being able to pimp his album along with this film.
Rob Schneider (I don't care how you spell his name) is, unfortunately, in the movie for the sole part of making dipshit 17 year-olds laugh at his now VERY redundant catch-phrase, "YOU can DOO EET". He had, maybe, two other lines. I am wondering if there is some clause in Happy Madison's contracts (Happy Madison is Adam Sandler's production company) saying that Rob Shnyder has to appear at least once in every one of his movies, even if for the sole purpose of making fun of himself and appealing to dipshit 17 year-olds who should be shot and put away for laughing at that shit. With Deuce Biggalo 2 (Europe) coming out, this just proves to me that these people LOVE to throw money away.
Grab a bunch of ringers to fill the rest of the roles that require nice bodies and sub-par acting skills, and welcome to the forefront the likes of Bill Goldberg, Steve Austin, Kevin Nash (to name a few), and a bunch of other no-names you've never heard of. One guy, especially, really stands out. I don't remember his character name, because he wasn't that important. He's a freak who speaks to nobody, but Sandler's character breaks through to him, of course, because he's the protagonist. In real life, the man is Dalip Singh (aka Giant Singh), a 7 foot 3, 410 lbs. wrestler born out of India. And, because you're a stupid audience member who doesn't understand English if it's not from New York, Boston or the South, he's got subtitles to back him up whenever he says anything.
Burt Reynolds' character from the first film comes out of nowhere, with only an explanation that he's been in prison for a while (I thought we were re-doing this, not extending it), and that he'll be coach. Oh, also, he's a former award-winning NFL coach, if that helps. Not like it's a shit load of coincidences or anything.
Half the cast is NFL, either current or former. Hell, the wide receiver for the "good guys" (Mean Machines) is none other than Michael Irvin, former wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys (who, for those of you who didn't used to follow the Cowboys religiously like I did, were once the undefeatable dream team that nobody wanted to fuck with. The Detroit Red Wings of football, if you will).
The "jokes", if you can call them that, are horrible. There is a group of inmates at this prison who are guys dressed as, thinking they're, and living as women. And by god, Sandler won't let you forget that. During the final game vs. the guards of the prison, we see this team of transvesties cheerleading and dancing about 7, maybe 8 times. After the 3rd, you're screaming "WE GET IT." After the 6th, you're screaming, "WE GET IT! WE GOT IT AFTER THE FIRST! IT LOST ITS FUNNY A LONG TIME AGO." But Adam can't hear you, silly. He's important and in American somewhere.
SNL's Tracey Morgan heads this group of babes, which is... very self-explanatory. You'd expect this from something like the Wayans brothers. Actually, you'd rather it be done by them, because at least then you know they'd try and explore more with that character (though it'll still be stupid), and you can laugh at how they get it wrong over and over, instead of getting tired of watching Morgan do the same stupid shit that never worked in the first place.
After Sandley did Punch Drunk Love, it's sad to see him go back to stuff like 50 First Dates, whatever that other piece of shit in between was, and this. To know what he's capable of, but that he'd rather just beat the shit out of people while screaming, yelling, running, and making faces, silly noises and horribly overdone jokes that any dipshit 17 year-old can write.
One of the worst things about this film (or perhaps the best, seeing how I didn't know how much longer I wanted to sit through that) was that it didn't end. The story was not over, SO MANY questions that they brought up early on were left unanswered. Hell, the REASON WHY the Warden of the prison wanted this game televised was because he thought it would help him win the office of Governor in the state of Texas. Did we find out if he got that chair, or if he got what's coming to him? NOPE!
We're wanting to know what happens, then, with Sandler's character. Does he stay there, then? Does he get out? How long does he stay there for? What about that guard who was quarterback for the other team? Did he quit? He surely wouldn't have stayed there working for that warden after all this happened, knowing the things he does. Does he go to the state and report him and his prison for gross misconduct and crimes against humanity for the way they torture their inmates far beyond what is legal? What about that Burt Reynold's coach guy? What's up with him? Do all the inmates get beat the hell up, or are they left alone and respected, and things in the prison change? Does the warden have a change of heart?
Instead, this is the last scene of the movie, after Sandler's character hands the Warden the game ball, tells him to stick that in his trophy case, and runs off.
The WARDEN stands there in disbelief, holding the GAME BALL.
Two players from MEAN MACHINES (Bill Goldberg and somebody) come up behind the WARDEN and dump the keg of GATORADE overhim.
GOLDBERG
Good game, sir.
WARDEN
That's a week in the hot-house for the both of you!
GOLDBERG (O.S.)
Who gives a shit?
*BLACKOUT*
... and the audience is numbed.
I know they say that no animals are harmed during the making of the film, but what about that metaphorical horse that they beat the shit out of? My god, that thing's just lying in pain and agony, and they're standing over it with a mallet, trying to work that same joke a thousand different ways.
If you want to see this movie, save your 14 dollars and rent the original movie.