As Honest As Subjective Can Be
Hello, my name is Graham Kent. If life experiences have taught me anything, it's to not be myself.
Had I not "been myself", by this point in my life I would have been still employed at The Bay and Blockbuster, most likely with a girlfriend, but at least having had a number of one-night stands. I would have tried many, and might be addicted to some, form(s) of drugs and/or drink a lot of alcohol, and, as has been proven countless times, doing drugs, drinking and not being a virgin somehow greatly increase your chances of meeting people and "doing well" in life. I would ergo be a better person who knows how to have fun.
Before I went to college, I was very self-conscious, took a lot of things too seriously, didn't have a lot of confidence in myself and needed constant reassurance about things. Now having graduated from college, I have a very strong sense of self, don't much care about appealing to what I think others might want me to be, take very, very few things seriously and get offended by nothing, have a lot of confidence in myself and am quite able to realise on my own that things are fine when they are fine.
All this growth and character-building stuff that has happened within, and since, those 2 years have only helped me deal with bad news and rejection in better ways.
Just when I get out of a life controlled by my own fear and self-ridicule, I build up this incredibly thick skin and amount of confidence and get into a world controlled by other people's fear and ridicule, and I'm all of a sudden back at the bottom of the ladder where I started. Whenever things start to make sense and look as if they're getting better, they fall to shit. I'm never able to start from scratch, but rather, I have to dig myself out of a hole and go from there.
Maybe one of the life lessons I'm here to learn is patience. With all due respect, I've waited 20 years. If life is just a test, I think I've passed these first 20 years with flying colours. Should I not receive a percentage grade mark now?
I consider myself to be funny, confident, ambitious and driven, compassionate, caring/kind/selfless, a real "sweetheart", intelligent, my own person, not afraid to stand up for what I believe in, moderately good-looking, humble, modest, and, I'm not afraid to say, one of few people left who still has, and acts by, their morals.
These qualities apparently make some women find me to be more feminine than themselves. Which implies that those are traits only, or mostly, applicable to women.
If that is the case, then frankly, I don't want to be a man, because jocks who talk about how many big-titted women they're going to fuck after they chug 3 kegs of cheap, American beer that they lugged home in their souped-up "pussy-wagon" that they bought from pimping bitches and dealing weed that puts them in such a state of bliss that they compete against other frat boys to see who can shoot the longest cum-shot on willing sorority girls, sits about as well with me as hard-boiled eggs left beside the heater for a week.
I've complained before about how women go for the assholes, complaining that they can't find a nice guy, while the nice guy is the one drying their tears and treating them right when they're upset about how their asshole is being an asshole. When they dump the asshole, they go find another asshole.
People have offered up numerous explanations as to why this is. Everything from "It's a challenge" to "A girl doesn't want to date another girl", to "Well, when they're finally ready to settle down, you'll be their dream guy." I've also had a number of clichés thrown my way, such as, "Some people don't meet the right person until they're in their 30's", or, "You'll meet somebody when you're not looking/lease expecting", or, "Just be yourself and the right person will like you for it."
Not to make myself seem like a science experiment, but I'd like to call those people on their lip service.
Maybe my problem is that I come on too strong - if we're friends, then I'll ask if you want to meet up with me at Tim Horton's at 3 in the morning out of nowhere the next day. But that's too strong, friendship has to progress... you can't just "BE" friends, you have to be "aquaintance friends", and then "social" friends, and then "friend friends" and then "best friends", and with each of those labels comes a list of things you are and aren't allowed to do or ask of one another. Tim Horton's at 3 in the morning out of nowhere falls somewhere between "friend friends" and "best friends", I think.
Maybe my problem is that I expect too much of people - If I ask them if they want to go grab a coffee and hang out, I expect them to interpret that as meaning we go grab a coffee and hang out. Unlike most people, I say what I mean and mean what I say. I seldom ever have ulterior motives, and if I do, it's because I can't (read: Am somehow not allowed/not able) to say them. Otherwise, I don't have an ulterior motive. I just have motives. I ask you to coffee, it's just to coffee. If I ask you to a movie, it's just to a movie. If I ask you out on a date because I like you, it's on a date because I like you.
Maybe my problem is that I expect more for myself - I should be happy with what I can get, instead, yes? Learn to settle, yes? Because it could be worse, right? It can always be worse. The fact that I am not the most impoverished, at-a-loss person in the world is no justification for me suddenly being all smiley. It could be worse, yes, but it's still pretty fucking bad, and right now I'm choosing to call it as it is.
I used to think that everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure if I do still. Sometimes shit just happens and it just happens. No reason. All this talk of keeping a positive attitude is well-intentioned, but I can't continue to wear a smile, pretend like it didn't happen, or that I'll benefit from it in the future, and walk on like a Stoic.
Survival of the fittest means you do what you need to, change, adapt, to move on. Yet if you change or adapt to move on, you're somewhat of a sell-out because you didn't stay true to yourself. Love will come to me when I stop looking for it, but that makes me lazy and unmotivated. So I go out looking for it, and still find nothing.
So what does it all mean? Nothing. I'm bored, lonely, and for some reason my brain tells me that 3 in the morning isn't time to go to bed yet. Instead, I come on livejournal and post a long-winded diatribe that sounds all philosophical, as if I've got all the answers by saying "there are no answers for anything". This is part stream-of-consciousness, part thought-out-rant, part cry-for-attention, and part something-to-distract-me-instead-of-realising-that-I-have-nothing-to-do-if-I-stay-up, even though I have nothing to wake up for.
I am hopeful, but doubtful. I am an idealist, but only when able to forget reality. I have faith, but continue to lose it. I am under-rated and under-appreciated, but over-zealous and too trusting. I am counting on karma to give back to me while continuing to contribute anonymously, but getting upset at how long it's taking to see anything in return. I grow stronger through discouragement, but weaker through re-enforcement. I have patience, but lose it when I see no signs of it being worthwhile. I try not to regret anything, but I admit that I would do some things differently if given the chance.
I am afraid that one day I will not be able to control my rage, and will end up hurting somebody very violently. I am afraid that my skin will become so tough that I won't be able to let love in when it finally arrives.
I am afraid that people will see brutal honesty and one person's way of dealing with a shitty situation as being a self-loathing, depressed rant, and that the butterfly effect will take its toll.