Always and Forever is Now
Title: Always and Forever is Now
Pairing: Klaine
Rating: R
WordCount: ~1600
Genre: Angst
Spoilers: Major 'Michael' Spoilers
Warnings: Not happy ending. Strictly Klendgamers should probably not read. Typos may be there
Summary: Kurt's future is settled and Blaine's is still a year away. Blaine feels and doesn't feel at all. Sometimes he feels too much and sometimes he uses rationality to make decisions.
Blaine looks at Kurt for a moment when he waves the NYADA finalist letter in his face and thinks, “this is it, the time has come.”
Blaine jumps up immediately afterwards grabbing the letter and reading it for himself, completely ready to receive Kurt when he jumps into his arms.
And this is instinctive too but his body rigid, just slightly so and Kurt attributes it to the scratched cornea and lets him go, holds him tenderly and Blaine waves it away. When Kurt leans in to kiss him Blaine breathes in through his nose but Kurt leans away too fast. “it’s too fast.”
And Blaine is left to mirror Kurt’s smile when Kurt looks at him.
“We can celebrate properly after your surgery,” He whispers into his ears, promises and hurt and of opportunities slipping away and Blaine smiles through it because ‘oh my god, Kurt made it.’
Kurt has been so afraid of the future, some days hanging by a thread onto his sanity as he waits, it’s here, it’s here, it’s here-almost and Blaine has been his anchor, reason and Kurt held onto him, smooth skin and tender lips and passion.
Blaine looks at his hands clasped in Kurt’s right hand and the letter in the other and his chest clenches, just a little because the future is here, Kurt’s future is here and his is still out there somewhere and it’s only when Kurt gives him a final hug and a chaste kiss hours after sitting through all those pirate movies that Blaine falls back onto his pillows, burrows under his blanket and cries.
Its an unusual experience, because Blaine doesn’t know why he just knows he has to because when something big happens people cry, it’s not always sad or remorseful but Blaine knows that something big has happened.
He misses two more weeks of school and Glee and Kurt but Kurt is there when the hospital discharges him and Blaine’s heart beats he’s here, he’s here, he’s here.
A few tears manages to squeeze out when Kurt embraces him and Kurt shushes him again, reassures him that it’s fine but Blaine feels betrayed because why doesn’t Kurt get it, nothing’s fine, everything’s changing and he can only stall it until he can’t
The first week that Blaine is back, he just holds Kurt, sticks close, worries that he’s becoming clingy and then he distances himself because maybe that’s easier, make it gradual and ease him out of it. Kurt only raises an eyebrow when Blaine refuses to go to the Lima Bean with him cause he has stuff to do but junior year is hard too and he doesn’t question.
But he can’t and his insides churn, he tosses in his sleep every night until Kurt comes to stay over one day and the lay together, their hands are laced together in front of Blaine’s chest as Kurt spoons him, Blaine looks at their fingers intertwined, pale and dark, long and stout and he whispers, “Everything is changing.”
Kurt squeezes their fingers tighter, curls in on Blaine even more , tangling their ankles and bringing their clasped hands to grip tight around Blaine’s middle.
But Blaine doesn’t know if Kurt heard him.
Kurt is a sweet boyfriend, almost sickeningly so and Blaine wants Kurt to just scream at him, hold him, pin him down and take him, wants Kurt to show that he wants it, wants him, Blaine wants to be wanted. By Kurt’s side always, forever. But forever is ending in a few weeks and Kurt retracts, almost always too perceptive for anyone’s good as Blaine stops kissing him right in the middle of making out because Kurt’s hand had slipped under his t-shirt or tickled a sensitive spot. Because Blaine wants Kurt to hold him forever but if forever is in a few weeks Blaine is stuck between deciding if forever should end now.
They haven’t had sex for a month already because Blaine can’t get himself to feel. He doesn’t feel anything. He stops feeling Kurt, thrumming inside his veins like a crawling need. And his chest aches and he feels chocked up. Sometimes he needs to excuse himself from classrooms because he can’t breathe and he doesn’t think why, doesn’t want to think why because it’s there in the back of his head like a traitorous thought waiting to make him feel.
Because Kurt won’t be here…isn’t here
Blaine stops in the hallway abruptly when he sees Kurt and takes a step back and Kurt is staring at him, confused and hurt but Blaine can’t feel and he steadily backs away.
Maybe just maybe he’s avoiding Kurt too.
But that isn’t possible because they’re boyfriends and they are still boyfriends and Kurt is his, always his, forever his.
He walks across the choir room by chance on a free Tuesday afternoon and the sobs, the babbling and Blaine just knows, he knows its Kurt and he turns and strides and stops right in front of the door and finally he can hear.
“It’s…It’s Blaine…he-*hic*-he…I don’t know anymo-re” the last syllable is muffled like someone put an obstruction in front of Kurt’s face and Blaine’s stomach drops.
And everything hurts. Even when he’s pushing the door open and finds Kurt sobbing on the floor of the choir room there is a part of Blaine that screams, he’ll crush you and Blaine fights against the bubbling ‘no’s’ and ‘don’ts’ and Blaine’s there dropping to the floor, haphazardly on top of Kurt, fitting their lips together because Blaine needs.
And God does Blaine feel.
He doesn’t care that Rachel is gaping, that Kurt’s shirt is white, that the marble is cold. It’s only ‘KurtKurtKurtKurt’ and lips and tongues and bruised knees against cold marble and desperation.
“Loveme-loveme-loveme-loveme” Kurt stills him, his frantic kisses all over his face and holds him steady with both hands. Kurt’s eyes are bloodshot but they’re the steady ones as Blaine’s falters.
“I love you.” Kurt whispers and Blaine all but tears away from Kurt’s hold, surges forward, kisses Kurt hard and fast and slow and lingering and every which way because Blaine wants everything and suddenly he has no options. It’s all Kurt, Kurt’s present, Kurt’s future and Kurt’s decision.
“Come over, please?” And Kurt isn’t requesting or ordering and Blaine’s whole body shivers because Kurt was begging.
Kurt’s sheet feels rough against his back as slides up it, hands travelling up Kurt’s chest, roaming, feeling, memorizing and Kurt’s eyes are dark, pupils blown and he sees himself in them, small, scared and bare, a ball of flesh and blood and so, so breakable. Kurt is slow and tender and loving but they’re also fraying at the edges, too many thoughts, opinions, changes and even this Kurt slotted against him so perfectly, fingers buried deep feels like the ends of a torn kite flying away in the wind and Blaine breathes, drowns as he holds onto Kurt’s biceps, Kurt wraps his arms around him once he’s buried in deep and Blaine tightens his thighs around Kurt’s middle, locking him in place so that Kurt has to struggle a little to move at first but then he’s thrusting in, a slow drag against his sensitive skin and Blaine moans, wraps a hand around the base of his cock because it was threatening to be over too soon and Kurt grabs his hands puts them above his head and continues thrusting, faster now but deep until Blaine feels like Kurt is trying to split him apart and he’s riding up the sheets with every jerk of Kurt’s hips. And the way Kurt is staring at him, unrelenting, unforgiving, it almost feels like a punishment.
Don’t go.
It slips out and Kurt’s hips jerk to a pause before he’s back at it again, faster and faster still, shallow thrusts and when Kurt comes Blaine can’t hold back, not anymore because it’s over and Kurt’s lips are on his and his hands burn where its wrapped itself around his cock. Blaine comes with a cry and immediately the atmosphere shifts, Kurt sits up even though they usually cuddle for a few minutes to ride through the afterglow. But now they sit on either edge of the bed, not looking at each other.
And they’re like that until the silence is too much and Blaine feels sensitive, so much that he feels dirty, like he made a mistake and wonders when they started to feel so sour.
“Do you want to break up?”
And Blaine has been waiting for this moment for a very, very long time. Has been building up to it. Maybe, he might have had a hand in it popping up.
“When Sebastian said that we could hook-up and you didn’t have to know-I,” Blaine takes in a deep breathe, pushing the bile down his throat so the words can come. “I hesitated, I didn’t say no.”
Blaine doesn’t know if Kurt is looking at him now, doesn’t know if Kurt is hurt or angry but he keeps his eyes trained on the floor.
“And if you weren’t my boyfriend Kurt I-I-in a heartbeat.”
And Blaine knows he’s not sounding right. He doesn’t know how to say this. I don’t think we’d survive the distance because you’re in the future now and I’m still in the present.”
Maybe there really is no right way to say it.
“But I am here and I’m your boyfriend.”
And Blaine twists his head at that to face Kurt, his heart reduced to a dull ache.
“And you didn’t answer the question.” Kurt is still turned with his back to him, looking up at the whitewashed ceiling.
And Blaine is almost shaking as he whispers, ‘yes’
The muscles of Kurt’s back clenches and he lowers his head from the ceiling to look at the floor and his shoulders curl into himself as Kurt lays back down onto the bed, back still turned to Blaine.
Blaine looks at Kurt as he dresses, a ball of blood and flesh and so, so breakable.
But Blaine doesn’t know if Kurt heard him.
Author's Note:I was deeply unsettled during Michael and least of all because I wanted Santana and Sebastian to make out at the end of "Smooth Criminal". I just COULDN'T get my head around Rachel being terrified of telling Finn that she's in Nyada, the Finn who's promised to follow her and marry her but Kurt has no qualms about telling the guy who freaking left hero podium in freaking private school to a loser in public for him. It was baffling, Kurt and Blaine's problems with each other seem to magically vanish.
But I've seen stuff like this happen, the most beautiful of relationship not surviving highschool. And despite being a Klendgamer I broke my year long writer's block to write this. *facepalm*
Pairing: Klaine
Rating: R
WordCount: ~1600
Genre: Angst
Spoilers: Major 'Michael' Spoilers
Warnings: Not happy ending. Strictly Klendgamers should probably not read. Typos may be there
Summary: Kurt's future is settled and Blaine's is still a year away. Blaine feels and doesn't feel at all. Sometimes he feels too much and sometimes he uses rationality to make decisions.
Blaine looks at Kurt for a moment when he waves the NYADA finalist letter in his face and thinks, “this is it, the time has come.”
Blaine jumps up immediately afterwards grabbing the letter and reading it for himself, completely ready to receive Kurt when he jumps into his arms.
And this is instinctive too but his body rigid, just slightly so and Kurt attributes it to the scratched cornea and lets him go, holds him tenderly and Blaine waves it away. When Kurt leans in to kiss him Blaine breathes in through his nose but Kurt leans away too fast. “it’s too fast.”
And Blaine is left to mirror Kurt’s smile when Kurt looks at him.
“We can celebrate properly after your surgery,” He whispers into his ears, promises and hurt and of opportunities slipping away and Blaine smiles through it because ‘oh my god, Kurt made it.’
Kurt has been so afraid of the future, some days hanging by a thread onto his sanity as he waits, it’s here, it’s here, it’s here-almost and Blaine has been his anchor, reason and Kurt held onto him, smooth skin and tender lips and passion.
Blaine looks at his hands clasped in Kurt’s right hand and the letter in the other and his chest clenches, just a little because the future is here, Kurt’s future is here and his is still out there somewhere and it’s only when Kurt gives him a final hug and a chaste kiss hours after sitting through all those pirate movies that Blaine falls back onto his pillows, burrows under his blanket and cries.
Its an unusual experience, because Blaine doesn’t know why he just knows he has to because when something big happens people cry, it’s not always sad or remorseful but Blaine knows that something big has happened.
He misses two more weeks of school and Glee and Kurt but Kurt is there when the hospital discharges him and Blaine’s heart beats he’s here, he’s here, he’s here.
A few tears manages to squeeze out when Kurt embraces him and Kurt shushes him again, reassures him that it’s fine but Blaine feels betrayed because why doesn’t Kurt get it, nothing’s fine, everything’s changing and he can only stall it until he can’t
The first week that Blaine is back, he just holds Kurt, sticks close, worries that he’s becoming clingy and then he distances himself because maybe that’s easier, make it gradual and ease him out of it. Kurt only raises an eyebrow when Blaine refuses to go to the Lima Bean with him cause he has stuff to do but junior year is hard too and he doesn’t question.
But he can’t and his insides churn, he tosses in his sleep every night until Kurt comes to stay over one day and the lay together, their hands are laced together in front of Blaine’s chest as Kurt spoons him, Blaine looks at their fingers intertwined, pale and dark, long and stout and he whispers, “Everything is changing.”
Kurt squeezes their fingers tighter, curls in on Blaine even more , tangling their ankles and bringing their clasped hands to grip tight around Blaine’s middle.
But Blaine doesn’t know if Kurt heard him.
Kurt is a sweet boyfriend, almost sickeningly so and Blaine wants Kurt to just scream at him, hold him, pin him down and take him, wants Kurt to show that he wants it, wants him, Blaine wants to be wanted. By Kurt’s side always, forever. But forever is ending in a few weeks and Kurt retracts, almost always too perceptive for anyone’s good as Blaine stops kissing him right in the middle of making out because Kurt’s hand had slipped under his t-shirt or tickled a sensitive spot. Because Blaine wants Kurt to hold him forever but if forever is in a few weeks Blaine is stuck between deciding if forever should end now.
They haven’t had sex for a month already because Blaine can’t get himself to feel. He doesn’t feel anything. He stops feeling Kurt, thrumming inside his veins like a crawling need. And his chest aches and he feels chocked up. Sometimes he needs to excuse himself from classrooms because he can’t breathe and he doesn’t think why, doesn’t want to think why because it’s there in the back of his head like a traitorous thought waiting to make him feel.
Because Kurt won’t be here…isn’t here
Blaine stops in the hallway abruptly when he sees Kurt and takes a step back and Kurt is staring at him, confused and hurt but Blaine can’t feel and he steadily backs away.
Maybe just maybe he’s avoiding Kurt too.
But that isn’t possible because they’re boyfriends and they are still boyfriends and Kurt is his, always his, forever his.
He walks across the choir room by chance on a free Tuesday afternoon and the sobs, the babbling and Blaine just knows, he knows its Kurt and he turns and strides and stops right in front of the door and finally he can hear.
“It’s…It’s Blaine…he-*hic*-he…I don’t know anymo-re” the last syllable is muffled like someone put an obstruction in front of Kurt’s face and Blaine’s stomach drops.
And everything hurts. Even when he’s pushing the door open and finds Kurt sobbing on the floor of the choir room there is a part of Blaine that screams, he’ll crush you and Blaine fights against the bubbling ‘no’s’ and ‘don’ts’ and Blaine’s there dropping to the floor, haphazardly on top of Kurt, fitting their lips together because Blaine needs.
And God does Blaine feel.
He doesn’t care that Rachel is gaping, that Kurt’s shirt is white, that the marble is cold. It’s only ‘KurtKurtKurtKurt’ and lips and tongues and bruised knees against cold marble and desperation.
“Loveme-loveme-loveme-loveme” Kurt stills him, his frantic kisses all over his face and holds him steady with both hands. Kurt’s eyes are bloodshot but they’re the steady ones as Blaine’s falters.
“I love you.” Kurt whispers and Blaine all but tears away from Kurt’s hold, surges forward, kisses Kurt hard and fast and slow and lingering and every which way because Blaine wants everything and suddenly he has no options. It’s all Kurt, Kurt’s present, Kurt’s future and Kurt’s decision.
“Come over, please?” And Kurt isn’t requesting or ordering and Blaine’s whole body shivers because Kurt was begging.
Kurt’s sheet feels rough against his back as slides up it, hands travelling up Kurt’s chest, roaming, feeling, memorizing and Kurt’s eyes are dark, pupils blown and he sees himself in them, small, scared and bare, a ball of flesh and blood and so, so breakable. Kurt is slow and tender and loving but they’re also fraying at the edges, too many thoughts, opinions, changes and even this Kurt slotted against him so perfectly, fingers buried deep feels like the ends of a torn kite flying away in the wind and Blaine breathes, drowns as he holds onto Kurt’s biceps, Kurt wraps his arms around him once he’s buried in deep and Blaine tightens his thighs around Kurt’s middle, locking him in place so that Kurt has to struggle a little to move at first but then he’s thrusting in, a slow drag against his sensitive skin and Blaine moans, wraps a hand around the base of his cock because it was threatening to be over too soon and Kurt grabs his hands puts them above his head and continues thrusting, faster now but deep until Blaine feels like Kurt is trying to split him apart and he’s riding up the sheets with every jerk of Kurt’s hips. And the way Kurt is staring at him, unrelenting, unforgiving, it almost feels like a punishment.
Don’t go.
It slips out and Kurt’s hips jerk to a pause before he’s back at it again, faster and faster still, shallow thrusts and when Kurt comes Blaine can’t hold back, not anymore because it’s over and Kurt’s lips are on his and his hands burn where its wrapped itself around his cock. Blaine comes with a cry and immediately the atmosphere shifts, Kurt sits up even though they usually cuddle for a few minutes to ride through the afterglow. But now they sit on either edge of the bed, not looking at each other.
And they’re like that until the silence is too much and Blaine feels sensitive, so much that he feels dirty, like he made a mistake and wonders when they started to feel so sour.
“Do you want to break up?”
And Blaine has been waiting for this moment for a very, very long time. Has been building up to it. Maybe, he might have had a hand in it popping up.
“When Sebastian said that we could hook-up and you didn’t have to know-I,” Blaine takes in a deep breathe, pushing the bile down his throat so the words can come. “I hesitated, I didn’t say no.”
Blaine doesn’t know if Kurt is looking at him now, doesn’t know if Kurt is hurt or angry but he keeps his eyes trained on the floor.
“And if you weren’t my boyfriend Kurt I-I-in a heartbeat.”
And Blaine knows he’s not sounding right. He doesn’t know how to say this. I don’t think we’d survive the distance because you’re in the future now and I’m still in the present.”
Maybe there really is no right way to say it.
“But I am here and I’m your boyfriend.”
And Blaine twists his head at that to face Kurt, his heart reduced to a dull ache.
“And you didn’t answer the question.” Kurt is still turned with his back to him, looking up at the whitewashed ceiling.
And Blaine is almost shaking as he whispers, ‘yes’
The muscles of Kurt’s back clenches and he lowers his head from the ceiling to look at the floor and his shoulders curl into himself as Kurt lays back down onto the bed, back still turned to Blaine.
Blaine looks at Kurt as he dresses, a ball of blood and flesh and so, so breakable.
But Blaine doesn’t know if Kurt heard him.
Author's Note:I was deeply unsettled during Michael and least of all because I wanted Santana and Sebastian to make out at the end of "Smooth Criminal". I just COULDN'T get my head around Rachel being terrified of telling Finn that she's in Nyada, the Finn who's promised to follow her and marry her but Kurt has no qualms about telling the guy who freaking left hero podium in freaking private school to a loser in public for him. It was baffling, Kurt and Blaine's problems with each other seem to magically vanish.
But I've seen stuff like this happen, the most beautiful of relationship not surviving highschool. And despite being a Klendgamer I broke my year long writer's block to write this. *facepalm*