(no subject)
Vodka and anti-depressants won't solve my problems, not when I'm supposed to man up and face them myself, but can't without breaking down. Running away is all I'm good at. It's why I've been dreaming of being chased nearly every night for ten years. Apparently, passive aggression is the only thing I do well.
I cried while picking up my medication bottle because I don't want to do this. Passive aggression is my main defense mechanism. A problem? I run away. All I do is run, and run. And keep running until my legs get sore.
And I can't talk to anybody because no one gets it. The "you're not alone" bullshit doesn't cut it. I can never talk about my feelings and have someone really know where I'm coming from. Have them really understand what a dark place my thoughts come from, understand how every day I look in the mirror and hate myself. I'm beyond hate. So far past hate.
I'm sorry, guys. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I could be an adult and talk about these issues in a mature manner without breaking down and deciding the answer is either the razor piece I keep in my bathroom cupboard or a bottle of alcohol. I wish I wasn't broken inside. I wish I could tell someone about it and not feel like I'm being judged.
All of you deserve better.
So I won't tell anybody about my problems anymore. I won't make anymore excuses. I'm going to keep my issues to myself so you can all be happy.
I hope you can all be happy. I love you. Know that I love you more than I love me.