Mmm.. Time..
My HSC Trials are complete. The HSC (Higher School Certificate) are the end of schooling examinations for all New South Wales schools, that will determine ones access into universities in the state, and now due to a new system, anywhere in the country.
Every student fears these exams upon their first utterance, for me, on my first day of kindergarten, by a teacher whom I came to admire very much. "Today, you start the path to your HSC, you don't care now, but you will". I'm fairly sure saying that to a group of 5 year olds wasn't going to get her very far, but I remember. I remember learning how to spell accommodation and how bloody proud I was, a standout memory of kindergarten, I remember being taken out of class one day and being told, "We're thinking of moving you up, how would you feel about being in Year 2 next year, instead of Year 1 Jessica?".
I remember that no one ever told me what they decided, so on the first day of school the next year, I cried so hard when my name wasn't called out for any of the year one classes... I felt pretty forgotten at this stage.
I remember my 'daddy' walking me up to my year two class, and smiling. He was so proud.
I remember the first question anyone asked me from these 'old' people. (One year is a lot to a six year old.) "Are you American?"
I remember Grandparents day that year. We had to describe our grandparents to the class. I chose the word plump. Everyone laughed at me. I was just being honest.
I remember the school principal and my teacher thought I had a stunted mental capacity. They made me take an IQ test. I shall take a moment to be proud of myself here, but I showed them.
I remember going into my mother's room in the morning on a Sunday. I cried so hard that day. I had no friends, I was being bullied by everyone, and I would hide physical marks from my parents each day so they wouldn't know. I finally told them that day.
I remember year three. Gosh, I could swear all I did that year was mathematics.
I remember enjoying year three. I still didn't have friends, but I worked my arse off in class, and I loved it.
I remember starting year four. My teacher couldn't stand me, and I couldn't stand her. It was mutual. =\
I remember hanging out with girls at school for the first time, and thinking that friendship is so amazing. Ignorance is bliss.
I remember never, EVER, doing my homework. Homework = bad! (I still stick by this theory =P)
I remember breaking my arm. lol. Stupidest way to break your arm ever.
I remember that I fell in love with science this year. YAY SCIENCE!
I remember my first day of year five. We all introduced ourselves, then our teacher introduced herself. I had such a crush on her. =P
I remember that this is the year I REALLY fell in love with theatre. We did a production of Pinnochio.
I remember getting really sick. This was when I got my arthritis, what 9 year old gets arthritis!?
I remember biting a girl, I can't remember why.
I remember Ms. Hopkins (my teacher) ran all through our suburb, chasing after me when I ran away from her. I was so afraid of being punished.
I remember always thinking that my teacher was a lesbian. She had this friend that would always come in to visit, and they just seemed.. Close.. And I remember speaking to her one day, and she told me all about this friend. She spoke with a passion that I even recognised at 9 years old.
I remember crying on the last day of year five. Ms. Hopkins was a role model to me.
I remember crying on the first day of year six. I was unfamiliar with all the students in my class, and no one wanted to sit with 'the weird girl'.
I remember playing with my calculator, and pressing +1 repeatedly, seeing how far I could go. I got to about 437,000 by the end of the year. Jess should have been paying attention to her work. =P
I remember the year ending, and me whispering to the school principal "I chose where you thought I should go [to high school]. I know there were other options, but I like you. I trust you."
I remember starting high school. LOSE!
I remember thinking I'd made friends. I hadn't.
I remember developing a crush on a girl whom I now affectionately refer to as 'Fatty'. For some reason, those feelings haven't gone. STUPID!
I remember sitting on the same place on the wall, every day for the whole year.
I remember that 'Fatty' was the only person who'd speak to me, even though she knew.
I remember the bomb scare. lol. OH how I remember the bloody bomb scare. It was almost funny.
I remember wanting to leave the school, thinking I could never be unhappier than I was there.
I remember coming first in my year in maths and science, and my teacher suddenly having respect for me.
I remember the year ending. That was bloody amazing.
I remember year 8 beginning, and people started getting over themselves. I made friends!!! HELLS YEAH!
I remember having to be told each day to come and sit with them. I was too afraid it was presumptuous to sit with them each day without being asked.
I remember falling in love with the band Queen.
I remember that I started to play guitar at school this year.
I remember.... Not much about year nine...
I remember SKI CAMP THOUGH!! Skiing is epic. Skiing with 50 other people. HILARIOUS!
I remember starting year 10, and how I thought what a good year was ahead.
I remember everything falling apart, August 2, 2007.
I remember that my life has never been the same.
I remember being in hospital for almost 5 months.
I remember leaving, trying to come back to school, (year 11) and failing.
I remember I wasted that year.
I remember making the decision to come back to school. Honestly, I have Hannah Montana to thank for that.
I remember telling my mum that I wanted to go back to school. She cried.
I remember being told that I could just get credit for my year 11 subjects and go straight to year 12, so I'm still with my peers. I negotiated them down from that one.
I remember starting again. All over again. It was like the first day of high school again, but instead of EVERYONE being scared. It's just me.
I remember Fatty ran up and hugged me, the only one who really cared.
I remember discovering Wicked. lol. *sniggers* Gooooooooood times.
I remember working... Half-heartedly I suppose, until January next year. I couldn't focus.
I remember January coming around, and I was finally back on my game.
I remember WAITING for May to come around. San Francisco time!
I remember going to SF.. OF COURSE I REMEMBER! It was bloody less than two months ago.
I remember being so bloody afraid of May 26, then everything being changed.
I remember being so afraid of August 13 and 14. I still am.
I remember doing my trials.
I remember, being so afraid, at five year old, that I'd fail these exams. I know now that these exams don't matter. I'm a person, built up of all these memories. That's what my schooling has been. It hasn't been great, but all these things, they're what will make me who I want to be, not a set of exams over two weeks. I needed to see this... Know this, I think, to step ahead in my life.
Every student fears these exams upon their first utterance, for me, on my first day of kindergarten, by a teacher whom I came to admire very much. "Today, you start the path to your HSC, you don't care now, but you will". I'm fairly sure saying that to a group of 5 year olds wasn't going to get her very far, but I remember. I remember learning how to spell accommodation and how bloody proud I was, a standout memory of kindergarten, I remember being taken out of class one day and being told, "We're thinking of moving you up, how would you feel about being in Year 2 next year, instead of Year 1 Jessica?".
I remember that no one ever told me what they decided, so on the first day of school the next year, I cried so hard when my name wasn't called out for any of the year one classes... I felt pretty forgotten at this stage.
I remember my 'daddy' walking me up to my year two class, and smiling. He was so proud.
I remember the first question anyone asked me from these 'old' people. (One year is a lot to a six year old.) "Are you American?"
I remember Grandparents day that year. We had to describe our grandparents to the class. I chose the word plump. Everyone laughed at me. I was just being honest.
I remember the school principal and my teacher thought I had a stunted mental capacity. They made me take an IQ test. I shall take a moment to be proud of myself here, but I showed them.
I remember going into my mother's room in the morning on a Sunday. I cried so hard that day. I had no friends, I was being bullied by everyone, and I would hide physical marks from my parents each day so they wouldn't know. I finally told them that day.
I remember year three. Gosh, I could swear all I did that year was mathematics.
I remember enjoying year three. I still didn't have friends, but I worked my arse off in class, and I loved it.
I remember starting year four. My teacher couldn't stand me, and I couldn't stand her. It was mutual. =\
I remember hanging out with girls at school for the first time, and thinking that friendship is so amazing. Ignorance is bliss.
I remember never, EVER, doing my homework. Homework = bad! (I still stick by this theory =P)
I remember breaking my arm. lol. Stupidest way to break your arm ever.
I remember that I fell in love with science this year. YAY SCIENCE!
I remember my first day of year five. We all introduced ourselves, then our teacher introduced herself. I had such a crush on her. =P
I remember that this is the year I REALLY fell in love with theatre. We did a production of Pinnochio.
I remember getting really sick. This was when I got my arthritis, what 9 year old gets arthritis!?
I remember biting a girl, I can't remember why.
I remember Ms. Hopkins (my teacher) ran all through our suburb, chasing after me when I ran away from her. I was so afraid of being punished.
I remember always thinking that my teacher was a lesbian. She had this friend that would always come in to visit, and they just seemed.. Close.. And I remember speaking to her one day, and she told me all about this friend. She spoke with a passion that I even recognised at 9 years old.
I remember crying on the last day of year five. Ms. Hopkins was a role model to me.
I remember crying on the first day of year six. I was unfamiliar with all the students in my class, and no one wanted to sit with 'the weird girl'.
I remember playing with my calculator, and pressing +1 repeatedly, seeing how far I could go. I got to about 437,000 by the end of the year. Jess should have been paying attention to her work. =P
I remember the year ending, and me whispering to the school principal "I chose where you thought I should go [to high school]. I know there were other options, but I like you. I trust you."
I remember starting high school. LOSE!
I remember thinking I'd made friends. I hadn't.
I remember developing a crush on a girl whom I now affectionately refer to as 'Fatty'. For some reason, those feelings haven't gone. STUPID!
I remember sitting on the same place on the wall, every day for the whole year.
I remember that 'Fatty' was the only person who'd speak to me, even though she knew.
I remember the bomb scare. lol. OH how I remember the bloody bomb scare. It was almost funny.
I remember wanting to leave the school, thinking I could never be unhappier than I was there.
I remember coming first in my year in maths and science, and my teacher suddenly having respect for me.
I remember the year ending. That was bloody amazing.
I remember year 8 beginning, and people started getting over themselves. I made friends!!! HELLS YEAH!
I remember having to be told each day to come and sit with them. I was too afraid it was presumptuous to sit with them each day without being asked.
I remember falling in love with the band Queen.
I remember that I started to play guitar at school this year.
I remember.... Not much about year nine...
I remember SKI CAMP THOUGH!! Skiing is epic. Skiing with 50 other people. HILARIOUS!
I remember starting year 10, and how I thought what a good year was ahead.
I remember everything falling apart, August 2, 2007.
I remember that my life has never been the same.
I remember being in hospital for almost 5 months.
I remember leaving, trying to come back to school, (year 11) and failing.
I remember I wasted that year.
I remember making the decision to come back to school. Honestly, I have Hannah Montana to thank for that.
I remember telling my mum that I wanted to go back to school. She cried.
I remember being told that I could just get credit for my year 11 subjects and go straight to year 12, so I'm still with my peers. I negotiated them down from that one.
I remember starting again. All over again. It was like the first day of high school again, but instead of EVERYONE being scared. It's just me.
I remember Fatty ran up and hugged me, the only one who really cared.
I remember discovering Wicked. lol. *sniggers* Gooooooooood times.
I remember working... Half-heartedly I suppose, until January next year. I couldn't focus.
I remember January coming around, and I was finally back on my game.
I remember WAITING for May to come around. San Francisco time!
I remember going to SF.. OF COURSE I REMEMBER! It was bloody less than two months ago.
I remember being so bloody afraid of May 26, then everything being changed.
I remember being so afraid of August 13 and 14. I still am.
I remember doing my trials.
I remember, being so afraid, at five year old, that I'd fail these exams. I know now that these exams don't matter. I'm a person, built up of all these memories. That's what my schooling has been. It hasn't been great, but all these things, they're what will make me who I want to be, not a set of exams over two weeks. I needed to see this... Know this, I think, to step ahead in my life.