(no subject)
Almost 8 months ago I posted about starting to date Ian. Here's a letter I haven't decided if I'm handing to him or not yet.
Dear Ian,
Often times you’ve told me you don’t want to mess anything up, and I guess that’s the exact reason why I’m writing this letter: So I can piece together my thoughts before blurting out something stupid. I’ve never been so freaked out or afraid to say something I’m feeling, and I’d have to attribute it to the aforementioned thought. I don’t want to pressure you, but like I’ve told you in the past, it hurts not being able to say something I feel strongly about.
There’s something different about this relationship, and although I’ve said that in an emotional way, this time I mean it in a physical, impending future decision sort of way. We’re dating under the clear knowledge that you could potentially move, and that I am definitely staying here for two more years to get my MBA. While some might think that it’s crazy, and that we’re guaranteeing ourselves a long distance relationship, I would have to beg to differ because I want to be with you, regardless of what the future might bring. I have no idea where you might be, but being with you NOW is what is important to me.
I had a lot to think about when we first started dating, and I had no idea if I would be strong enough once the time came. The only thing I could think was that it would hurt, and that I should put walls up so that I wouldn’t have pain if you left, so that I wouldn’t hold you back. The most important thing was that you moved forward and onto whatever was perfectly best for you. I approached you about it in the beginning, and I’ll never forget what you said to me. You told me I’d be a factor. It was simple, but it meant more than you could imagine. Somehow that just settled it for me. I’d try it out, see where this led, because I was intrigued by the quiet boy who grew up around the corner from me, and I wanted nothing more than to give it all a shot.
I know I’ve mentioned a little bit about my previous relationships, and I’ve told you this before, but you’re different than anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t mean that in that “you’re a special snowflake” kind of way, where no two people are the same, but rather in how we fit together as a couple. Normally I think if I was with someone else we’d be at a different phase in our relationship than you and I are. You are reserved, always in your own thoughts, and I think we’ve developed slowly as a couple. That’s not meant to be a knock, but it’s just something that’s left me confused and wondering. It may very well be a good thing that we’ve been growing slowly (we’re not growing apart) but it’s just different for me. It makes me wonder if I’m crazy for loving you.
And there, I said it. I love you. I love you Ian Blake and despite continuously convincing myself that I’m not crazy for having those feelings, just typing it FEELS crazy. You’re the sweet, kind, sexy, funny, intelligent man that I always dreamed of having, and it’s something that is so surreal that I still can’t believe it is happening. Yet your reservations about the words “I love you” leave me in a panic and I can’t figure out how to keep my head from spinning. Do you love me? Could you? I make excuses in my head for you that make less and less sense, in an attempt to save my own feelings. It hurts worrying that you’ll be leaving, that we could be long distance, and I don’t even know if you love me or not.
If you don’t, you don’t. I’d love you either way just for how nice a person you are. I’m strong enough to bounce back from whatever happens here, but I need some sort of reader’s digest update as to what is going on in your mind.
Many Thanks.
Love,
Felicia
Dear Ian,
Often times you’ve told me you don’t want to mess anything up, and I guess that’s the exact reason why I’m writing this letter: So I can piece together my thoughts before blurting out something stupid. I’ve never been so freaked out or afraid to say something I’m feeling, and I’d have to attribute it to the aforementioned thought. I don’t want to pressure you, but like I’ve told you in the past, it hurts not being able to say something I feel strongly about.
There’s something different about this relationship, and although I’ve said that in an emotional way, this time I mean it in a physical, impending future decision sort of way. We’re dating under the clear knowledge that you could potentially move, and that I am definitely staying here for two more years to get my MBA. While some might think that it’s crazy, and that we’re guaranteeing ourselves a long distance relationship, I would have to beg to differ because I want to be with you, regardless of what the future might bring. I have no idea where you might be, but being with you NOW is what is important to me.
I had a lot to think about when we first started dating, and I had no idea if I would be strong enough once the time came. The only thing I could think was that it would hurt, and that I should put walls up so that I wouldn’t have pain if you left, so that I wouldn’t hold you back. The most important thing was that you moved forward and onto whatever was perfectly best for you. I approached you about it in the beginning, and I’ll never forget what you said to me. You told me I’d be a factor. It was simple, but it meant more than you could imagine. Somehow that just settled it for me. I’d try it out, see where this led, because I was intrigued by the quiet boy who grew up around the corner from me, and I wanted nothing more than to give it all a shot.
I know I’ve mentioned a little bit about my previous relationships, and I’ve told you this before, but you’re different than anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t mean that in that “you’re a special snowflake” kind of way, where no two people are the same, but rather in how we fit together as a couple. Normally I think if I was with someone else we’d be at a different phase in our relationship than you and I are. You are reserved, always in your own thoughts, and I think we’ve developed slowly as a couple. That’s not meant to be a knock, but it’s just something that’s left me confused and wondering. It may very well be a good thing that we’ve been growing slowly (we’re not growing apart) but it’s just different for me. It makes me wonder if I’m crazy for loving you.
And there, I said it. I love you. I love you Ian Blake and despite continuously convincing myself that I’m not crazy for having those feelings, just typing it FEELS crazy. You’re the sweet, kind, sexy, funny, intelligent man that I always dreamed of having, and it’s something that is so surreal that I still can’t believe it is happening. Yet your reservations about the words “I love you” leave me in a panic and I can’t figure out how to keep my head from spinning. Do you love me? Could you? I make excuses in my head for you that make less and less sense, in an attempt to save my own feelings. It hurts worrying that you’ll be leaving, that we could be long distance, and I don’t even know if you love me or not.
If you don’t, you don’t. I’d love you either way just for how nice a person you are. I’m strong enough to bounce back from whatever happens here, but I need some sort of reader’s digest update as to what is going on in your mind.
Many Thanks.
Love,
Felicia