(no subject)
HARTMAN
I am Gunnery Sergeant
Hartman, your Senior
Drill Instructor. From now on, you will speak
only when spoken to, and the first and last
words out of your filthy
sewers will be "Sir!"
Do you maggots understand that?
RECRUITS
(in unison)
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Bullshit! I can't hear you. Sound off like you
got a
pair.
RECRUITS
(louder)
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
If you ladies leave my island, if you survive
recruit
training ... you will be a weapon, you
will be a minister of death,
praying for war.
But until that day you are pukes! You're the
lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even
human fucking beings!
You are nothing but
unorganized grabasstic pieces of amphibian
shit!
Because I am hard, you will not like me. But
the more
you hate me, the more you will
learn. I am hard, but I am fair!
There is no
racial bigotry here! I do not look down on
niggers,
kikes, wops or greasers. Here you
are all equally worthless! And my
orders are
to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack
the gear
to serve in my beloved Corps! Do
you maggots understand that?
RECRUITS
(in unison)
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Bullshit! I can't hear you!
RECRUITS
(louder)
Sir, yes, sir!
Sergeant HARTMAN stops in front of a
black recruit,
Private SNOWBALL.
HARTMAN
What's your
name, scumbag?
SNOWBALL
(shouting)
Sir,
Private Brown, sir!
HARTMAN
Bullshit! From now on
you're Private
Snowball! Do you like that name?
SNOWBALL
(shouting)
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Well, there's one thing that you won't like,
Private Snowball! They
don't serve fried
chicken and watermelon on a daily basis in
my
mess hall!
SNOWBALL
Sir, yes, sir!
JOKER
(whispering)
Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?
HARTMAN
Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's
the slimy
little communist shit twinkle-toed
cocksucker down here, who just
signed his
own death warrant? Nobody, huh?! The fairy
fucking
godmother said it! Out-fucking-
standing! I will P.T. you all until
you fucking
die! I'll P.T. you until your assholes are
sucking
buttermilk.
Sergeant HARTMAN grabs cowboy by the shirt.
HARTMAN
Was it you, you scroungy little fuck, huh?!
COWBOY
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
You little piece of
shit! You look like a fucking
worm! I'll bet it was you!
COWBOY
Sir, no, sir!
JOKER
Sir, I said it, sir!
Sergeant HARTMAN steps up to JOKER.
HARTMAN
Well ...
no shit. What have we got here, a
fucking comedian? Private Joker? I
admire
your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come
over to my
house and fuck my sister.
Sergeant HARTMAN purnches JOKER in the
stomach.
JOKER sags to his knees.
HARTMAN
You little
scumbag! I've got your name! I've
got your ass! You will not laugh!
You will not
cry! You will learn by the numbers. I will
teach
you. Now get up! Get on your feet! You
had best unfuck yourself or I
will unscrew
your head and shit down your neck!
JOKER
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Private Joker, why did you join
my beloved
Corps?
JOKER
Sir, to kill, sir!
HARTMAN
So you're a killer!
JOKER
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Let me see your war face!
JOKER
Sir?
HARTMAN
You've got a war face? Aaaaaaaagh! That's a
war face.
Now let me see your war face!
JOKER
Aaaaaaaagh!
HARTMAN
Bullshit! You didn't convince me! Let me see
your real
war face!
JOKER
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
HARTMAN
You didn't scare me! Work on it!
JOKER
Sir, yes, sir!
Sergeant HARTMAN speaks into cowboy's face.
HARTMAN
What's your excuse?
COWBOY
Sir, excuse for
what, sir?
HARTMAN
I'm asking the fucking questions
here,
Private. Do you understand?!
COWBOY
Sir,
yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Well thank you very much! Can I be in
charge
for a while?
COWBOY
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Are you shook up? Are you nervous?
COWBOY
Sir, I am, sir!
HARTMAN
Do I make you nervous?
COWBOY
Sir!
HARTMAN
Sir, what? Were you about to
call me an
asshole?!
COWBOY
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
How tall are you, Private?
COWBOY
Sir,
five foot nine, sir!
HARTMAN
Five foot nine? I didn't
know they stacked shit
that high! You trying to squeeze an inch in
on
me somewhere, huh?
COWBOY
Sir, no, sir.
HARTMAN
Bullshit! It looks to me like the best part of
you ran
down the crack of your mama's ass
and ended up as a brown stain on
the
mattress! I think you've been cheated!
HARTMAN
Where in hell are you from anyway, Private?
COWBOY
Sir, Texas, sir!
HARTMAN
Holy dogshit! Texas! Only
steers and queers
come from Texas, Private Cowboy! And you
don't look much like a steer to me, so that
kinda narrows it down!
Do you suck dicks!
COWBOY
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
Are you a peter-puffer?
COWBOY
Sir, no,
sir!
HARTMAN
I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would
fuck
a person in the ass and not even have the
goddam common
courtesy to give him a reach-
around! I'll be watching you!
Sergeant HARTMAN walks down the line to another
recruit, a tall,
overtweight boy.
HARTMAN
Did your parents have any
children that lived?
PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
I'll bet they regret that! You're so ugly you
could be
a modern art masterpiece! What's
your name, fatbody?
PYLE
Sir, Leonard Lawrence, sir!
HARTMAN
Lawrence?
Lawrence, what, of Arabia?
PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
That name sounds like royalty! Are you
royalty?
PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
Do you suck dicks?
PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
Bullshit! I'll bet you
could suck a golf ball
through a garden hose!
PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
I don't like the name Lawrence!
Only faggots
and sailors are called Lawrence! From now on
you're Gomer Pyle!
PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!
PYLE has the
trace of a strange smile on his face.
HARTMAN
Do you
think I'm cute, Private Pyle? Do you
think I'm funny?
PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
Then wipe that
disgusting grin off your face!
PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Well, any fucking time, sweetheart!
PYLE
Sir, I'm trying, sir.
HARTMAN
Private Pyle, I'm gonna
give you three
seconds--excactly three fucking seconds--to
wipe
that stupid-looking grin off your face, or
I will gouge out your
eyeballs and skull-fuck
you! One! Two! Three!
PYLE purses his
lips but continues to smile
involuntarily.
PYLE
Sir,
I can't help it, sir!
HARTMAN
Bullshit! Get on your
knees, scumbag!
PYLE gets down on his FEnees.
HARTMAN
Now choke yourself!
PYLE places his hands around his throat as if to
choke himself.
HARTMAN
Goddamn it, with my hand,
numbnuts!!
PYLE reaches for HARTMAN's hand. HARTMAN jerks
it away.
HARTMAN
Don't pull my fucking hand over there! I said
choke
yourself! Now lean forward and choke
yourself!
PYLE leans forward
so that his neck rests in
HARTMAN's open hand.
HARTMAN chokes PYLE.
PYLE gags and starts to turn red in the face.
HARTMAN
Are you through grinning?
PYLE
(barely able to
speak)
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Bullshit! I can't
hear you!
PYLE
(gasping)
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Bullshit! I still can't hear you! Sound offlike
you got
a pair!
PYLE
(gagging)
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
That's enough! Get on your feet!
HARTMAN releases PYLE's
throat. PYLE gets to his feet,
breathing heavily.
HARTMAN
Private Pyle, you had best square your ass
away and start shitting
me Tiffany cuff links
... or I will definitely fuck you up!
PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!
Wow. I love the movie Full Metal Jacket.