Comments | tigerlilly33: Brigit's Flame Week 1

tigerlilly33

Brigit's Flame Week 1 - Cleave

Mar 11, 2012 14:39

Title: Just A Little Bit Of History Repeating
Rating: PG-13 for adult situations
Warnings: none
Word Count: 2079
Prompt: Cleave
A/N: I'm back! This is my first entry for BF in over three months. I'm so happy to be coming out of my long and oppressive writer's block. I haven't written anything since before Christmas, so I'm sorry if I'm a bit rusty. This ( Read more... )

Comments 15

keppiehed March 13 2012, 20:28:55 UTC

Oh, I am so glad that you are back! You haven't lost one ounce of your talent! You might feel rusty, but you've got the touch. Excellent, just absolutely excellent. I am giddy with how great this was! I am so thrilled for you! *hugs* I am smiling like it's my very own triumph. This is just perfect, what a way to come back. I am just so pleased for you. This should definitely be a real confidence builder! Yay for you!

tigerlilly33 March 14 2012, 01:09:31 UTC

Oh, my lovely Keppie. How much I have missed your words of encouragement. What an amazing thing to say.

I've been so sad not being able to write or join in. Thank you for everything you just wrote. It really makes me feel like I can keep going. :)

(The comment has been removed)

tigerlilly33 March 14 2012, 01:10:45 UTC

Thank you! It's nice to be back.

belated edit - sorry! blackjackcat March 20 2012, 19:11:28 UTC

Whoa.. Intriguing guy. Half the time I was wondering if Cal was some kind of angel or creature and then at the end I started wondering if he was a con artist. d^_^b
To the edits!

First off, very well written for being rusty.
I was a little confused about Bertrand being another person until Cal started talking to him. I thought at first that Cal was traveling with a group and that his last name was Bertrand. Maybe refer to Bertrand directly before the dialogue?

You left out a few hyphens. mid-fifties, non-smoking

I felt like the scene where the girl asks him for help was a little bumpy? It seemed like it was leading up to some strong emotion in Cal and then it stopped. Maybe he cut it off and it was supposed to be this way? But if not, maybe add another line or two?

Did you mean tailed behind or trailed?

Her gray roots stuck out from under her pile of bottle-red hair and her leopard-print top and leggings were stretched thin against her ample frame. Sometimes your sentences felt a little awkward, like they could have been broken ( ... )

Re: belated edit - sorry! tigerlilly33 March 25 2012, 23:43:00 UTC

Oh wow, thank you. This edit was so fantastic. You gave me so much to think about and you totally called me out on some of my life-long issues (I can just hear my AP US History teacher shouting "Too many commas, Tiger!"). Why can't I ever learn?

I really think this story will improve after I've gone back and fixed everything you pointed out! Thanks.

Re: belated edit - sorry! blackjackcat March 26 2012, 00:55:28 UTC

Haha well I'm very glad it helped. :D
I'm sure it will be better too. d^_^b