Comments | tigerlilly33: Brigit's Flame Week 1

tigerlilly33

Brigit's Flame Week 1 - Baker's Dozen

May 06, 2012 16:50

Title: Baker's Dozen
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Suicide
Word Count: 1884
Prompt: A Bag of Root Vegtables
A/N: None as per request of Bardiphouka and Keppiehed. Oh no, what to expect?!

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Comments 4

belluminabyssus May 7 2012, 03:14:27 UTC

Wow -- short, but so vivid. I love the world and the characters you created here -- they're so very alive. And you did an awesome job with characterizing the world and the people in such a short space; it was clear exactly who they were and what they needed and why the needed these things, without you having to take the time to spell everything out. Great job!

bluegerl May 7 2012, 12:02:55 UTC

Oh to have friends like Renfrew... they always turn up, with brilliant ideas, and you always end up broke and disillusioned and worse off than you were before they just up and bugger off! Oh poor Flanders... Oh dear. That swine Renfrew - and they are the ones that get on - somehow. Always there's 'something round the corner' for them.. Poor Flanders left to clear away the s.h.i.t.

Thanks for this one, another very different story, and they are ALL so very well written. Incredible. Keep it up and thanks again. Hugs, Blue.

Edit :) missflyer May 13 2012, 20:51:57 UTC

Hello tigerlilly33, I’m one of your editors for this week.
Sheesh, did you edit this before posting? I’m hard pressed to come up with anything grammar or content-wise to comment on! You have a solid story, which as belluminabyssus points out, gives us all we as a reader need to know to get a good idea of the greater picture. You plop us into this universe, and it isn’t ephemeral, but we can taste and see it as if we are there. Renfrew darts in and out of the picture, both physically and emotionally, so we sit with Flanders and find ourselves drawn in to him and relating with him, seeing the world through his eyes.

So I guess just a couple of comments:

"I'm not saying that exactly," Flanders stammered. "I'm just expressing a modicum of concern. One must be prudent in these situations." -- kind of hefty vocabulary here, I think it’s just a little too high for Flanders given his situation. Don’t get me wrong, he sounds like a very smart guy (well, like he is a smart guy, but who somehow manages to get suckered in to trusting all the ( ... )

Your BF edit! keppiehed May 14 2012, 15:50:33 UTC

Hello! Second (embarrassingly late) editor reporting for duty!

SpaG first, then concrit after. Empty brackets denote a deletion:

-He knew it was rather rude to off himself during a time when the ground was as hard as stone, but at least the frigid temperatures would preserve him well enough [ ] that he wouldn’t create too much of a mess.

-“Where did you get it?” Flanders whispered. His voice sounded hoarse and tense. Just because you are making me nit-pick and scrape the bottom of the barrel for this edit when ordinarily I wouldn't even think of saying anything: I think you can omit “His voice sounded hoarse and tense.” only because you have set up the scene so beautifully that it is implied. The whisper implies it, and that will keep it tense. Also, in the preceding few sentences, you can consider omitting the adverbs “quickly” and “slowly” for exactly the same reason: you have masterfully described the scene to the extent that those words are not necessary. Although they are not a drag on the scene, the are not even needed ( ... )