I can't really condone what I am doing
For as long as I can remember I have had issues with my weight, I think I was 7 or so the first time I decided I was overweight and needed to loose some. While I have a supportive family, they do agree with me that I weigh more than I should (when I talk to them now about this, not when I was 7).
Growing up I was always one of the kids that got chosen last when we played sports, or traded when the teams were uneven. I got picked on because of weight, never really dated (apart from a fuck-buddy and one boy-friend when I was very young) and was never really one of the cool kids. I know those last two were also related to things that had nothing to do with weight, like the fact that I got good grades. Of course, there was a evil circle here, because I didn't really have a group of friends and a large network I wanted to get away from the little village I grew up in and to do that I needed the grades to get in to universities abroad. Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of people I love and I wouldn't change that I know them for the world. But most of them are adults rather than my own age. I don't think I've even talked to anyone from home for years, not even saying hi on facebook.
It got to the point where everything I failed at, or every time I got turned down I felt it was because of my weight. I got extremely concious of what I ate where other people could see me, I made sure I was never the one to take the last piece of something or the first, I made sure I never filled my plate with food or rarely went up for seconds. I made sure my belly and thighs (my two biggest problem areas) were always covered up and I instead tried to draw attention away from them with low cut tops and such. Because if all of these skinny pretty people thought they were fat, what would they think of me?
It wasn't until a few years ago, when I was 20 or 21 that I realized I could be attractive to some people. It has taken a lot of careful coaxing on Claire's part to get me to realize this. And the biggest thing wasn't so much anything she said or did. She too have one of these body types that we keep getting told needs to change and that is overweight. I love her body, I think she is beautiful and that her shape is amazing. And I realized that, if I thought that about her, even if she isn't what the magazines wants us to think is perfect, maybe I should believe her when she told me I am pretty.
I still have issues with my body, I still hate parts of it. But I have realized that attractiveness and sexyness is not about the outer package, it is about the whole deal. Of course stunning looks help, but confidence and playfulness is a lot more important. Not to mention, loving yourself and thinking that you deserve the attention. Can you tell I've been watching a lot of How to Look Good Naked lately (two seasons are up on hulu, if you are curious). And when I discovered the fat/size acceptance community this fall that I felt like I had really found something to care about. I believe that what ever size you feel comfortable at, as long as you are staying healthy and are having fun, then that is the right size for you.
And here is where I fail at practicing what I preach. As many of you know, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism this fall. Now I don't see this as a death sentence, my mom's had it since my little brother was born (aka 19 years) and I have seen her deal with it fine. The only thing is that I need to remember to take my meds (Which I am not the best at, I admit). But as a result of getting my metabolism somewhat under control (I still need to adjust my doseage), I have been loosing weight. I have not done anything special, heck in someways I have been worse than many times before when I was trying to loose weight. Claire and I have talked about this, right after I got diagnosed and we agreed that we had both found it strange that I would eat healthy (heck I might have overdone it at times) and work out and still not loose weight. I was always stuck at 225-230lb. Now with no working out and even candy fairly often, I am at 225lb. I have always thought 230+ was not the right weight for me. I really do think that with my activity level and height and build, I should really be in the 180-200 range, probably closer to 190 there. And now I am working out, not for the purpose of working out, but to loose weight. And I feel like I am failing at practicing what I preach, loving yourself no matter what size you are.
Growing up I was always one of the kids that got chosen last when we played sports, or traded when the teams were uneven. I got picked on because of weight, never really dated (apart from a fuck-buddy and one boy-friend when I was very young) and was never really one of the cool kids. I know those last two were also related to things that had nothing to do with weight, like the fact that I got good grades. Of course, there was a evil circle here, because I didn't really have a group of friends and a large network I wanted to get away from the little village I grew up in and to do that I needed the grades to get in to universities abroad. Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of people I love and I wouldn't change that I know them for the world. But most of them are adults rather than my own age. I don't think I've even talked to anyone from home for years, not even saying hi on facebook.
It got to the point where everything I failed at, or every time I got turned down I felt it was because of my weight. I got extremely concious of what I ate where other people could see me, I made sure I was never the one to take the last piece of something or the first, I made sure I never filled my plate with food or rarely went up for seconds. I made sure my belly and thighs (my two biggest problem areas) were always covered up and I instead tried to draw attention away from them with low cut tops and such. Because if all of these skinny pretty people thought they were fat, what would they think of me?
It wasn't until a few years ago, when I was 20 or 21 that I realized I could be attractive to some people. It has taken a lot of careful coaxing on Claire's part to get me to realize this. And the biggest thing wasn't so much anything she said or did. She too have one of these body types that we keep getting told needs to change and that is overweight. I love her body, I think she is beautiful and that her shape is amazing. And I realized that, if I thought that about her, even if she isn't what the magazines wants us to think is perfect, maybe I should believe her when she told me I am pretty.
I still have issues with my body, I still hate parts of it. But I have realized that attractiveness and sexyness is not about the outer package, it is about the whole deal. Of course stunning looks help, but confidence and playfulness is a lot more important. Not to mention, loving yourself and thinking that you deserve the attention. Can you tell I've been watching a lot of How to Look Good Naked lately (two seasons are up on hulu, if you are curious). And when I discovered the fat/size acceptance community this fall that I felt like I had really found something to care about. I believe that what ever size you feel comfortable at, as long as you are staying healthy and are having fun, then that is the right size for you.
And here is where I fail at practicing what I preach. As many of you know, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism this fall. Now I don't see this as a death sentence, my mom's had it since my little brother was born (aka 19 years) and I have seen her deal with it fine. The only thing is that I need to remember to take my meds (Which I am not the best at, I admit). But as a result of getting my metabolism somewhat under control (I still need to adjust my doseage), I have been loosing weight. I have not done anything special, heck in someways I have been worse than many times before when I was trying to loose weight. Claire and I have talked about this, right after I got diagnosed and we agreed that we had both found it strange that I would eat healthy (heck I might have overdone it at times) and work out and still not loose weight. I was always stuck at 225-230lb. Now with no working out and even candy fairly often, I am at 225lb. I have always thought 230+ was not the right weight for me. I really do think that with my activity level and height and build, I should really be in the 180-200 range, probably closer to 190 there. And now I am working out, not for the purpose of working out, but to loose weight. And I feel like I am failing at practicing what I preach, loving yourself no matter what size you are.