In The Streets of Ratlam - Jab We Met fic

[tigger_01]

Title: Ratlam ki galleon mein (In the streets of Ratlam)
Fandom: Bollywood - from the film Jab We Met starring Shahid Kapoor and Kareena Kapoor
Rating: PG
Pairing: None - slight Aditya/Geet if you stare hard enough.
Warnings: Spoilers for the film. Obviously. And a minor, minor reference to… unsavory activities.
Summary:
A drabble/character study of

Comments

[isha_libran]

Oooh, I like this! Captures pre-Geet Aditya and his depressed attitude very well. =)

Two tiny things, though: a face hidden by locks of straight, dark hair glued firmly to the ground-this line makes it seem like his hair is glued to the ground. Perhaps you could add a comma after 'hair'?

Also, it should be Sikhni and not Sikhdi. [/nitpick]

Other than that, this was very good, especially for a first fic. Thanks for sharing! =)

[tigger_01]

Review!
*dances*
Thank you, it was much appreciated.

You're right about the corrections that you suggested - thankyou. Particularly for the Hindi correction, because I toyed with the spelling of that word for quite a while. ;)

It's interesting you used the word pre-Geet Aditya - his character transformation in JWM is remarkable. xD

[tigger_01]

LOL, whoops! I changed the sentence a bit - hopefully it makes more sense now? xD

THANK YOU!! I appreciate your concrit, especially seeing as you are such an Aditya fan too. :P
I know it's not a particularly... original or entertaining fic, but I understood depressed!Adi much more than Geet!Adi, and I wanted to see whether I could capture that in words.

*bows and accepts the applause*

[lalumena]

I can't comment on characterisation because I've never seen the movie! However, I did like reading this. You create a strong sense of emotion, and the character has a distinct narrative voice. Without wanting to sound too patronising, it's well done for a first (posted) fic.

I particularly liked it did not even occur to her he may be attempting to commit suicide (and would have thus preferred some quiet, thank you very much), only that he had been too close to the edge for the mix of sardonic humour and shades of darkness. You employ humour well in the fic overall, actually.

and a face hidden by locks of straight, dark hair, glued firmly to the ground.
'eyes glued firmly to the ground', perhaps? This is a vivid image, but I had to read it a couple of times to figure out what you meant.

memories raced like an unstoppable PowerPoint;There's a conflict of slow and fast here, just 'memories raced' is simpler and stronger, perhaps? Using fewer adjectives would also make your imagery simpler and stronger, I think. (Though I'm a bit

[tigger_01]

The movie? Um... depressed!boy meets hyper!active (and fairly naive, really) girl and falls in LOVE. boy realises that he must learn to be confident and happy to enjoy life, and girl realises that there is a difference between optimism and naivety. And it all ends happily ever after. :)
It's v.cute and v.funny. ;)

Thank you very much for your comments - they were very helpful, and coming from such an accomplished writer (*grin*) very much appreciated. :)

I particularly liked it did not even occur to her he may be attempting to commit suicide (and would have thus preferred some quiet, thank you very much), only that he had been too close to the edge for the mix of sardonic humour and shades of darkness. You employ humour well in the fic overall, actually.
Thank you! I'm so glad someone noticed. ;)
I was trying to get across the idea that Aditya is a lot more pragmatic and calm than he thinks he is (ie - he's not really depressed at all).

Using fewer adjectives would also make your imagery simpler and stronger, I think. (Though I'm

[lalumena]

It sounds sweet!

And thank you, that's really nice of you. There are some amazing writers around at LJ, I'm flattered that you like what I write.

I was trying to get across the idea that Aditya is a lot more pragmatic and calm than he thinks he is (ie - he's not really depressed at all).
That makes sense, psychologically. Often depressive (i.e. depressed appearance) people have a dark, cynical view and humour.

[khwabein]

My fave bit: He had been this close to release (he was back there now, staring at the old metal tracks and feeling the train move beneath his feet, imagining his soul lifting from a battered body)

The sudden shift is awesome and reminds me of a few novels I've read. ^_^

Quite loved it darling. The characterisations are spot on and I love the backstory to Aditya. ^_^

*hugs*

[tigger_01]

The sudden shift is awesome and reminds me of a few novels I've read. ^_^
Thank you! It's a chillingly interesting image, isn't it? And Aditya seems to have such a vivid imagination, it's something I can see him thinking.

*hugs*

[tigger_01]

Thank you! I'm really glad you liked that memory bit - that's what took me the longest to write because I kept changing it. ;)

Him and Geet were so cuuute in that first bit - I hope I captured that. :)

I do intend to write more - specially this summer when I have heaps of time to kill! :P