To Have and to Hold 4/8?
Story: To Have and to Hold
Author: WMR
Characters: Nine, Ten, Rose, a little of Jack, Jackie, Mickey
Rated: PG
Spoilers: All the way to TCI, and some dialogue from School Reunion.
Summary: Since you have no parents to act on your behalf, I need to ask you: will you accept his hand in marriage?
This story is written in response to
purplerhino's challenge: Write one (pick one) or even all of the episodes for at least season two with the Doctor and Rose married. Many thanks to my wonderful, nitpicky and inspirational BRs, the fabulous
dark_aegis,
ponygirl72 and
nnwest.
Chapter 1: Lewd Conduct
Chapter 2: War Widow
Chapter 3: Staking a Claim
Chapter 4: Cold Comfort
She’d sworn, after Jimmy Stones, that she’d never let a bloke make her cry over him again. That she’d never stay awake all night, not able to sleep, because of what a bloke’d done to her. That any time a relationship ended she’d be the one to do the dumping and the walking away.
Well, she’d been the one to walk away, true. But he’d done the dumping first.
It figured, really. New body, new life. New companion, too, probably. He was tossing her aside just like he had his old leather jacket.
Though the painful truth was that it wasn’t just this new him who was rejecting her. He’d said it, after all. He’d only ever intended it as a way of getting her out of prison.
Course, she’d known that was the only reason they’d got married. It wasn’t as if she’d imagined he’d secretly yearned to have her as his wife all along and once the excuse came along he’d jumped at it. If it hadn’t been for her being arrested and there being no other way of getting her out of jail, it’d never have happened. But she’d thought... hoped... believed that they could make something of it. That he felt the same way about her as she did about him and that, even if it wasn’t going to be happy ever after, they could be together, really together, for a while.
But he’d never meant anything by it. Never intended to make anything of it. The old him hadn’t meant it. He’d probably have told her so, too, if they hadn’t been grabbed off the TARDIS and taken to the Game Station. There’d been no time after that to talk about anything personal.
Well, except for when they’d been stripping wires together, the minutes ticking away before the Daleks invaded. She and her Doctor; the last time she’d got to spend with him. She didn’t count those couple of minutes on the TARDIS after she woke up, confused and disorientated. He’d been... odd, then. Acting weird. Even more weird than usual. But then that made sense now - he’d known he was dying.
Another tear leaked from her eye. Her Doctor - the Doctor she’d fallen in love with, and who’d just gone up in flames right in front of her.
He’d loved her. She had no doubt whatsoever about that. This new Doctor... well, he’d acted like he still cared about her. Earlier, at dinner, and then outside, by the TARDIS, when he’d asked if she still wanted to come with him. The way he’d looked at her, and smiled at her... for those few short minutes, she’d allowed herself to believe that nothing had to change. That, okay, he might have changed his body and the way he sounded and even the way he acted, but he was still the same underneath. And he still loved her.
Naïve. She was too stupidly naïve to exist. Mickey was right. He’d been right all along. And, god, wouldn’t he let her know it?
Well, in a little while she’d get up and go over to the TARDIS and get her stuff. Just as well she still had the key. If she was lucky, she’d be able to sneak in without him seeing her. She could pack her things and leave the key behind on the dressing-table in her room, and maybe even get out of there without him even knowing she’d been there.
Though that wasn’t likely. His TARDIS, after all, and she knew he was connected to her circuits in some way. The ship was telepathic and, though he’d never actually said so, she’d worked out some time ago that he was too. Not in the way that he could read her mind or anything, but he and the TARDIS seemed to have some way of communicating with each other that went beyond anything normal.
He’d know she was in the TARDIS. But, after last night, he’d be tactful enough to stay out of the way. If she was lucky.
Because she really couldn’t face him again. It’d be too humiliating.
Her phone beeped. A text message.
She sighed. It was probably Mickey, wanting to know what she was doing today and what time she and the Doctor were leaving. She almost ignored it, but then curiosity and the need for distraction got the better of her.
The screen told her that the sender was the Doctor. She almost dropped the phone in her haste to display it; but then she had to take several steadying breaths before she could read what it said.
Can we talk? We need to sort this out cos I dont want you to leave.
She had to read it three times to take it in fully. The Doctor would never have said anything like that before. Before he’d changed. Oh, he’d often been the first to say sorry after an argument, but he would never actually have said something like this. If they’d ever had a fight to the point of her walking out, he’d have just stood there, arms folded, expression unreadable, telling her it was her decision. She’d’ve had to be the one to change her mind.
And now he’d said he didn’t want her to go.
Obviously he didn’t think she was as stupid and juvenile as she thought herself to be. Or, if he did, he was willing to put it behind them and give her another chance.
Stuff pride. He’d made the first move, and that mattered. She hit the reply button.
Dont want to leave either. Ill come to the TARDIS?
She chewed her lip and played with her fingers for the entire minute or so it took for her phone to beep again. And there it was: another message from him.
Remember the rooftop where we talked before? See you there when youre ready.
A rooftop? In December? But then, he never did seem to feel the cold. Another way in which he was the same, despite being different.
She thumbed the keys. Be ready in half an hour. See you then.
***
Half an hour? She still wasn’t a morning person, was she?
He’d already walked over to the BB’s Muffins shop and back, and had been sitting on the roof for at least five minutes, before she arrived. Bundled up in a warm coat, scarf, hat and gloves, she looked ready for a trip to the Arctic Circle. Now there was a place they’d never been. Would she like that? Well, maybe later.
“Coffee?” he enquired cheerfully as she came over, a hesitant smile on her face.
“Ooh, yeah.” She hurried over and accepted the takeaway cup he held out. “Didn’t ‘ave time for a drink before comin’ up ‘ere.”
He dangled a paper bag in front of her; the other half of his peace offering. “Apple and cinnamon muffin. Still warm.”
A look of something almost like chagrin crossed her face. “You know me far too well, Doctor.”
He grinned. “Well, if you prefer, I can keep the apple one an’ give you the blueberry...”
This time it was disgust, before her expression turned to surprise. “But you don’t like blueberry either...”
He sobered. “That was before.”
Before he’d changed. But that was another subject they were going to have to discuss. She didn’t understand regeneration. Of course she didn’t. She had no idea what it meant in terms of how much he’d changed, yet how much of him was still the same man she’d known for the last six months or so.
Slowly, she sat down next to him, though he noticed that she kept a gap of a couple of feet between them. She’d never have done that before.
“I just don’t understand, though. How can you change so much - I mean, not jus’ your face an’ your voice an’ that, but the way you are, an’ still be yourself?”
Well, there was progress. She’d used you, not him.
“That’s just the way it works. It’s a Time Lord thing.”
“Right. An’ that’s supposed to explain everything, is it?” She sounded more frustrated than anything else, though, which was understandable.
“No, it’s not.” He passed her the apple muffin, then took a bite of his own. Blueberries. Yes, he definitely liked blueberries. “Go on. Ask me whatever you want. I know you’re itching to.” And he’d do his best to overcome his dislike of being questioned and actually answer her.
She broke off a chunk of her muffin and nibbled at it, watching him under cover of her activity. “But how are you the same person? I mean, I know you got all the same memories an’ the same knowledge of science an’ that, but everything else... you’re so different.”
Oh, how many times he’d been asked that question over the centuries... At least once, and usually several times, for every regeneration except his last two. Those times, there hadn’t been any companions around to ask. Actually, the last time it’d been just as well, really.
“Hard to say, really,” he told her, frowning a little as he contemplated the remains of his muffin. “It’s different each time - ”
“Each time?” Her voice was shrill as she interrupted him. “How many times you done this, exactly?”
Yes, still predictable, so far. She hadn’t yet asked anything out of the usual. “This was my ninth regeneration. Tenth body, therefore. Starting to feel a bit repetitive, really. Might be nice to get a bit of variety - y’know, that second head I mentioned, maybe?”
“Tenth?” That seemed to shock her. And then she shook her head a little. “Okay, so that means you’ve died nine times, right? An’ you get to keep on doin’ this? Get a new body every time you die?”
“Well, not quite. Twelve times in total. So I get another three.”
“Right.” She was studying him carefully now. “So if I hadn’t managed to stop those Autons killing you back when we first met, you’d be on number eleven by now?”
He shrugged. “Probably. It all depends, really. I mean,” he elaborated at her enquiring look, “if you hadn’t been there to save me back then, they could just have killed each new body, one after the other. But, if I’d never known you, I might’ve died permanently on Satellite Five - even Time Lords don’t survive Dalek extermination. Or I might not have died at all. Who knows how things might work out?”
Quietly, voice shaking a little, she said, “I still don’t know why you died. You said something about the Time Vortex, but you weren’t makin’ any sense.”
“You do know, really. You just don’t remember it.”
“I don’t understand.” She drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself. Her breath was coming in white tendrils now as she spoke. It was probably too cold to be up here, really. “Why don’t I remember? An’ why haven’t you told me what happened?”
“You’ll remember yourself when you’re ready.” That was something he was sure about. The Time Vortex had been in her for considerably longer than he’d had it. He’d made sure that her body was healed from it before he’d returned the Vortex to the TARDIS, but it wasn’t possible that she could be completely unaffected. It would come back to her. For the moment, her brain was protecting her by wiping the experience from her memory, but that wouldn’t last indefinitely.
Which was only one among many reasons why he wanted her to stay with him. For now, anyway, which was all he could offer her. Or anyone, really.
“That’s no answer, Doctor.” She glared at him - and then suddenly broke into a smile. “Now I know it’s really you.”
“What d’you mean?”
“You’re always like that. Not tellin’ me stuff. Bein’ mysterious. Telling me I don’t need to know something.”
“Well, there you go.” He smiled at her in return. “Still me. See?”
“Yeah.” She sobered again and reached for her coffee. Then, after a moment, she said, her voice quiet, “You like different things now. Like blueberries. What... What ‘bout other things you used to like? Or... or people?”
Ah. Here it was: her real concern. Did he still care about her?
He couldn’t blame her for that, not really. They’d had a very, very intense relationship over the past six months. They’d become very close very quickly. How long had he known her when he’d hesitated over blowing the Slitheen to pieces in case she got killed in the process? A few days?
Instead of answering her, he threw her question back to her in the form of another question. “Do you think that’s changed?”
She shrugged, staring out across the city rather than looking at him. “Dunno. I mean, you ‘ave changed in some ways. You like my mum now. An’ you’re nice to Mickey. Even though he hates your guts cause of the - ” She faltered for a moment, then finished what she’d been saying. “ - the marriage thing.”
“I find it easier to like people now, yes.” Or show dislike less obviously, maybe. Though she was right. He couldn’t dislike Jackie now. Especially not after everything she’d done to help him when he was sick. She’d been far kinder than he had any right to expect. “Doesn’t mean I’ve stopped liking anyone I liked before.” He threw her a grin. This time, since she was looking at him, he got a half-smile back.
But he still hadn’t told her what she wanted to hear. Her silence, and the frown returning to her face, made that clear.
He could tell her that, just two days ago, he’d died to save her, and that this new him would do it again without a second thought. But she didn’t know why he’d died yet, and she wasn’t ready to hear it. She’d tear herself apart with guilt, for one thing, despite the fact that if she’d never come back he’d be permanently dead. As would the entire population of Earth in the year 200,100.
“Rose.” He held out his hand to her. After a few moments, she took it. She’d taken her gloves off to eat, and her fingers were chilled. He gave her fingers a squeeze. “C’mere.” He jerked his chin away from her. “You’re cold.”
After a moment, she moved closer to him. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, holding her against him. “You want to know if I still care about you?” She nodded, not speaking. “Yes. Course I do. Thought I made that clear when we were standing outside the TARDIS last night?”
“Yes, but...” She trailed off, but the hurt expression on her face made clear that she’d been going to mention what had happened after that. His disastrous attempt to clear up the marriage question.
“That’s different. That’s got nothing to do with this - you and me, best mates.”
“Best mates,” she echoed.
“Yeah. Just like before.”
“So...” She turned her head so that she could look up at him. “The way you feel about me... ‘s the same as before?”
“Almost.” The word slipped out before he could debate with himself whether absolute honesty was the best policy in this situation.
“Almost?” Now she was looking fearful again.
“I don’t mean it in a bad way. Actually, it is good. Really.”
“How?” That was definitely suspicion. And she’d slipped out from under his arm. Pretending not to notice, he leaned back, sliding his arms back so that he could rest on his elbows. He let his eyes drift shut, remaining silent.
“Doctor?” Oh, she really did want an answer, didn’t she? He sighed. He’d started this one, so he couldn’t avoid the answer.
“You know about the Time War. I don’t think I ever told you, but it hadn’t been over long when I met you - in my timeline, that is. Hard to say how long, exactly, because I was wounded and then I regenerated, and there was the usual regeneration sickness. Then the TARDIS picked up the Nestene’s signal and that was that.”
“An’ we met,” she said.
“Yeah. Just like that. You in a basement being chased by attack mannequins. Me with my trusty sonic screwdriver.”
“Run,” she quoted at him softly, and he could hear the sadness in her voice. She still missed the old him - but how could she not? It’d only been a couple of days.
“Yeah.” He sat up again and glanced at her. She was watching him, and she was chewing her lip. “I was scarred, Rose. You know that. You saw it. I’m not sure now how I’d’ve coped in those first few months if you hadn’t been there. I don’t know if you have any idea what you did for me.” And that wasn’t easy to admit. Under any other circumstances, he’d never have told her.
The anxious expression on her face faded away, to be replaced by relief. And a smile. “I’m glad, Doctor. I always hoped, you know - that I was helping. I wanted to.”
“You did.” He reached for her hand again. “You were there when I needed someone very badly, and I’ll never forget that. But that’s what I mean by ‘almost’. That’s the bit that’s not the same.”
***
She stared at him. And hurt started to seep through her again, just like the chill of the December air had while she’d been sitting out here.
He’d needed her. She’d known that, and had been glad to be needed. It’d been one thing she could give him, considering everything he was giving her. And it’d been a reason why she knew he’d keep her around.
And now he didn’t need her any more.
He was only going to hurt her again, but she had to ask. “So... you’re sayin’ you don’t need me now?”
Again, he was silent for several moments, and he wasn’t looking at her. “Doctor? That’s what you’re sayin’, is it?”
“Not in the same way.” She flinched and tried to pull her hand away, but he held on tightly. “Rose, listen to me. Course I need you - as a friend, as a companion, someone to do silly things with and get me out of trouble when I need it. But not as... well, as someone to take out my anger and grief on. Or as someone to cling to because you’re all I’ve got left.”
“What? You mean now you’ve changed ‘s all better? None of it matters any more?”
She’d seen how the loss had affected him - the previous him. She’d heard the pain and anguish in his voice any time the subject came up. Was he saying that he just didn’t care any more? That his grief was something else he could shrug off along with his old body?
“Of course it matters! What do you think? I’ve lost everything, Rose. My planet, my people... It’ll always matter. But life goes on. You learn to live with it - like your mum learned to live without your dad. You think it doesn’t matter to her, just because she was able to get on with her life?”
Well, when he put it like that... And he did still care. The grief wasn’t as obvious as it’d been before, but she could still hear it in his voice. “No. S’pose not.”
“Right.” He nodded. “Anyway, the thing is... I did need you. But probably too much. And that was bad for both of us. ‘Specially you.”
How could he say that? “I didn’t mind. I wanted to ‘elp you.”
His hand tightened around hers again. “I know you did. And you did. But I was too needy then. It could easily have become unhealthy over time. Eventually, for your own sanity, you’d’ve had to walk away from me.”
“No! I wouldn’t’ve done that.”
“You should have.” His tone was grim. “Rose, forget about who I am. Forget that I have the TARDIS and that we’ve been all over time and space together. And just think about the way I was. If one of your friends here behaved like that, after a while you’d start to feel trapped, at the very least.”
Maybe he was right. Maybe. “But you were getting better,” she pointed out. “You really were.”
“Yeah.” His smile was fleeting. “And then the Daleks came back, Rose. You have no idea what that did to me - knowing they’d survived all along. That I’d destroyed my planet for nothing.”
“Wait a minute...” She stared at him. “You destroyed your planet?”
“Oh.” His mouth turned down at the corners, and he fell silent again for a while. Eventually, he seemed to decide to answer her. “Never told you that, did I? Yeah, I was the one who pushed the big button when the time came. Had to be me. There wasn’t anyone else.” He looked away, out over the city. “We’d agreed in advance - the Council of the Time Lords - that if it became necessary that’s what I’d do. Didn’t make it any easier, though. Still doesn’t.”
What could she say to that? And now she understood why he’d never told her any of this before. It would’ve been far too painful for him.
“But, anyway,” he said, his tone suddenly far more cheerful - almost suspiciously so, “can’t sit around here chatting all day! You’re getting cold!” And he jumped to his feet, then reached down to pull her up.
Conversation become too much for him all of a sudden, then? Okay, he’d told her far more than he ever would’ve in his old body, but obviously he still had limits to how much he’d open up to her. But he was right, anyway. She was cold. All that time sitting there, she hadn’t realised just how chilled she’d got. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to warm up.
He watched her for a moment, then stepped closer to her. “Oh, c’mere.” Strong arms - different arms - were wrapped around her, and he held her close against him, rubbing his hands up and down her back. “Any better?”
“Yeah.” She nodded. “Yeah, that feels good.”
“Good.” He released her, but held out his hand for her to take. “Silly idea, meeting up here, I s’pose. Should’ve just talked in the TARDIS.”
“Why here?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” He looked down at the ground, a half-smile hovering around his lips. “Just fancied a change of scenery. Anyway - ” Again, his tone changed, now bracing. “ - you will stay, won’t you? I meant it. I don’t want you to leave.”
“I don’t want to leave either.” She didn’t look at him as he led the way to the stairs. “But... Doctor, we didn’t talk about... you know, the...”
He glanced at her briefly. “The marriage thing.”
“Yeah. That.”
He nodded. “No. We didn’t.” He turned away and stuffed the debris from their breakfast into a nearby bin.
“Look, I get it, you know?” She wasn’t going to let him be the one to say it this time. “You never intended it to be more than a... a convenience. An’ that’s okay. So let’s just forget it, all right?”
“Well, we could,” he agreed. He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. “Thing is, I hurt you last night, Rose, an’ I never intended to do that. I thought you understood the way it is between us, and I should’ve explained it better.”
“Explained what?”
He was silent as they went down the steps. Once at the bottom, though, he stopped and turned to face her.
“Y’know, I think you don’t always listen when I tell you things, Rose Tyler.”
Stung, she retorted, “I do listen! An’ what kind of things d’you mean?”
“Well...” He looked away, raking a hand through his hair. “How old I am, to start with.”
“Nine hundred! That’s what you told me. See? I listen!”
“Well, that an’ a bit more, yes.” And he turned, met her gaze. “But think about that, Rose! I’ve already lived more than ten times your life expectancy. Think about what that means.”
She shrugged. What was he getting at? “If you mean there’s one hell of an age gap between us, I already said that.”
“Rose.” Now his tone was low, and deadly serious. “You care about me. I know that. I care about you, too. But we can’t - I mean, there’s a reason why I can’t be more than a friend to you.” He shook his head. “I should never’ve let Jack push me into kissing you.”
“But I don’t get it!” She stared at him. “I know it wasn’t just me. When you kissed me, I mean. I know it wasn’t just me that felt something.”
She expected him to deny it. Or to claim that, now that he’d changed, he didn’t feel the same way. But he didn’t. “Doesn’t matter whether it was or not, Rose. You still don’t understand what I’m saying.”
“Then tell me!”
“Rose.” He let go of her hand and stood facing her, and she’d never seen him look so serious, or so sad. Not even the old him, talking about the loss of his planet. “Listen. I’ve already lived for almost a thousand years. I don’t age - well, I do, but only very slowly. I regenerate. But humans decay. You wither and you die. Imagine watching that happen to someone that you - ”
The anguish in his voice shook her to the core. He didn’t finish his sentence, but he didn’t have to. “Doctor?” Her own voice shook.
Yeah, she thought she understood, now. And how could he bear it? How many people had he lost over the years? Because he must have, to feel so much pain over it.
He reached for her hand again, and the look in his eyes almost tore her apart. “You could spend the rest of your life with me, Rose, if that was what we wanted. But I can’t spend the rest of mine with you. I’d have no choice but to watch you die, sooner or later. You really want to do that to me?”
Mutely, she shook her head.
“That’s why, Rose. That’s why it was never real and it’s never going to be real.”
He dropped her hand and began to walk away, leaving her standing there, in the middle of the courtyard, speechless and shaking.
And then he stopped and half-turned to her. “Besides,” he added, his tone still suffused with sadness, “I’m not the one you said the words to, Rose. You said it yourself: I’m not the proper Doctor. How can you want to be married to someone you don’t even know?”
***
tbc
Author: WMR
Characters: Nine, Ten, Rose, a little of Jack, Jackie, Mickey
Rated: PG
Spoilers: All the way to TCI, and some dialogue from School Reunion.
Summary: Since you have no parents to act on your behalf, I need to ask you: will you accept his hand in marriage?
This story is written in response to
purplerhino's challenge: Write one (pick one) or even all of the episodes for at least season two with the Doctor and Rose married. Many thanks to my wonderful, nitpicky and inspirational BRs, the fabulous
dark_aegis,
ponygirl72 and
nnwest.
Chapter 1: Lewd Conduct
Chapter 2: War Widow
Chapter 3: Staking a Claim
Chapter 4: Cold Comfort
She’d sworn, after Jimmy Stones, that she’d never let a bloke make her cry over him again. That she’d never stay awake all night, not able to sleep, because of what a bloke’d done to her. That any time a relationship ended she’d be the one to do the dumping and the walking away.
Well, she’d been the one to walk away, true. But he’d done the dumping first.
It figured, really. New body, new life. New companion, too, probably. He was tossing her aside just like he had his old leather jacket.
Though the painful truth was that it wasn’t just this new him who was rejecting her. He’d said it, after all. He’d only ever intended it as a way of getting her out of prison.
Course, she’d known that was the only reason they’d got married. It wasn’t as if she’d imagined he’d secretly yearned to have her as his wife all along and once the excuse came along he’d jumped at it. If it hadn’t been for her being arrested and there being no other way of getting her out of jail, it’d never have happened. But she’d thought... hoped... believed that they could make something of it. That he felt the same way about her as she did about him and that, even if it wasn’t going to be happy ever after, they could be together, really together, for a while.
But he’d never meant anything by it. Never intended to make anything of it. The old him hadn’t meant it. He’d probably have told her so, too, if they hadn’t been grabbed off the TARDIS and taken to the Game Station. There’d been no time after that to talk about anything personal.
Well, except for when they’d been stripping wires together, the minutes ticking away before the Daleks invaded. She and her Doctor; the last time she’d got to spend with him. She didn’t count those couple of minutes on the TARDIS after she woke up, confused and disorientated. He’d been... odd, then. Acting weird. Even more weird than usual. But then that made sense now - he’d known he was dying.
Another tear leaked from her eye. Her Doctor - the Doctor she’d fallen in love with, and who’d just gone up in flames right in front of her.
He’d loved her. She had no doubt whatsoever about that. This new Doctor... well, he’d acted like he still cared about her. Earlier, at dinner, and then outside, by the TARDIS, when he’d asked if she still wanted to come with him. The way he’d looked at her, and smiled at her... for those few short minutes, she’d allowed herself to believe that nothing had to change. That, okay, he might have changed his body and the way he sounded and even the way he acted, but he was still the same underneath. And he still loved her.
Naïve. She was too stupidly naïve to exist. Mickey was right. He’d been right all along. And, god, wouldn’t he let her know it?
Well, in a little while she’d get up and go over to the TARDIS and get her stuff. Just as well she still had the key. If she was lucky, she’d be able to sneak in without him seeing her. She could pack her things and leave the key behind on the dressing-table in her room, and maybe even get out of there without him even knowing she’d been there.
Though that wasn’t likely. His TARDIS, after all, and she knew he was connected to her circuits in some way. The ship was telepathic and, though he’d never actually said so, she’d worked out some time ago that he was too. Not in the way that he could read her mind or anything, but he and the TARDIS seemed to have some way of communicating with each other that went beyond anything normal.
He’d know she was in the TARDIS. But, after last night, he’d be tactful enough to stay out of the way. If she was lucky.
Because she really couldn’t face him again. It’d be too humiliating.
Her phone beeped. A text message.
She sighed. It was probably Mickey, wanting to know what she was doing today and what time she and the Doctor were leaving. She almost ignored it, but then curiosity and the need for distraction got the better of her.
The screen told her that the sender was the Doctor. She almost dropped the phone in her haste to display it; but then she had to take several steadying breaths before she could read what it said.
Can we talk? We need to sort this out cos I dont want you to leave.
She had to read it three times to take it in fully. The Doctor would never have said anything like that before. Before he’d changed. Oh, he’d often been the first to say sorry after an argument, but he would never actually have said something like this. If they’d ever had a fight to the point of her walking out, he’d have just stood there, arms folded, expression unreadable, telling her it was her decision. She’d’ve had to be the one to change her mind.
And now he’d said he didn’t want her to go.
Obviously he didn’t think she was as stupid and juvenile as she thought herself to be. Or, if he did, he was willing to put it behind them and give her another chance.
Stuff pride. He’d made the first move, and that mattered. She hit the reply button.
Dont want to leave either. Ill come to the TARDIS?
She chewed her lip and played with her fingers for the entire minute or so it took for her phone to beep again. And there it was: another message from him.
Remember the rooftop where we talked before? See you there when youre ready.
A rooftop? In December? But then, he never did seem to feel the cold. Another way in which he was the same, despite being different.
She thumbed the keys. Be ready in half an hour. See you then.
***
Half an hour? She still wasn’t a morning person, was she?
He’d already walked over to the BB’s Muffins shop and back, and had been sitting on the roof for at least five minutes, before she arrived. Bundled up in a warm coat, scarf, hat and gloves, she looked ready for a trip to the Arctic Circle. Now there was a place they’d never been. Would she like that? Well, maybe later.
“Coffee?” he enquired cheerfully as she came over, a hesitant smile on her face.
“Ooh, yeah.” She hurried over and accepted the takeaway cup he held out. “Didn’t ‘ave time for a drink before comin’ up ‘ere.”
He dangled a paper bag in front of her; the other half of his peace offering. “Apple and cinnamon muffin. Still warm.”
A look of something almost like chagrin crossed her face. “You know me far too well, Doctor.”
He grinned. “Well, if you prefer, I can keep the apple one an’ give you the blueberry...”
This time it was disgust, before her expression turned to surprise. “But you don’t like blueberry either...”
He sobered. “That was before.”
Before he’d changed. But that was another subject they were going to have to discuss. She didn’t understand regeneration. Of course she didn’t. She had no idea what it meant in terms of how much he’d changed, yet how much of him was still the same man she’d known for the last six months or so.
Slowly, she sat down next to him, though he noticed that she kept a gap of a couple of feet between them. She’d never have done that before.
“I just don’t understand, though. How can you change so much - I mean, not jus’ your face an’ your voice an’ that, but the way you are, an’ still be yourself?”
Well, there was progress. She’d used you, not him.
“That’s just the way it works. It’s a Time Lord thing.”
“Right. An’ that’s supposed to explain everything, is it?” She sounded more frustrated than anything else, though, which was understandable.
“No, it’s not.” He passed her the apple muffin, then took a bite of his own. Blueberries. Yes, he definitely liked blueberries. “Go on. Ask me whatever you want. I know you’re itching to.” And he’d do his best to overcome his dislike of being questioned and actually answer her.
She broke off a chunk of her muffin and nibbled at it, watching him under cover of her activity. “But how are you the same person? I mean, I know you got all the same memories an’ the same knowledge of science an’ that, but everything else... you’re so different.”
Oh, how many times he’d been asked that question over the centuries... At least once, and usually several times, for every regeneration except his last two. Those times, there hadn’t been any companions around to ask. Actually, the last time it’d been just as well, really.
“Hard to say, really,” he told her, frowning a little as he contemplated the remains of his muffin. “It’s different each time - ”
“Each time?” Her voice was shrill as she interrupted him. “How many times you done this, exactly?”
Yes, still predictable, so far. She hadn’t yet asked anything out of the usual. “This was my ninth regeneration. Tenth body, therefore. Starting to feel a bit repetitive, really. Might be nice to get a bit of variety - y’know, that second head I mentioned, maybe?”
“Tenth?” That seemed to shock her. And then she shook her head a little. “Okay, so that means you’ve died nine times, right? An’ you get to keep on doin’ this? Get a new body every time you die?”
“Well, not quite. Twelve times in total. So I get another three.”
“Right.” She was studying him carefully now. “So if I hadn’t managed to stop those Autons killing you back when we first met, you’d be on number eleven by now?”
He shrugged. “Probably. It all depends, really. I mean,” he elaborated at her enquiring look, “if you hadn’t been there to save me back then, they could just have killed each new body, one after the other. But, if I’d never known you, I might’ve died permanently on Satellite Five - even Time Lords don’t survive Dalek extermination. Or I might not have died at all. Who knows how things might work out?”
Quietly, voice shaking a little, she said, “I still don’t know why you died. You said something about the Time Vortex, but you weren’t makin’ any sense.”
“You do know, really. You just don’t remember it.”
“I don’t understand.” She drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself. Her breath was coming in white tendrils now as she spoke. It was probably too cold to be up here, really. “Why don’t I remember? An’ why haven’t you told me what happened?”
“You’ll remember yourself when you’re ready.” That was something he was sure about. The Time Vortex had been in her for considerably longer than he’d had it. He’d made sure that her body was healed from it before he’d returned the Vortex to the TARDIS, but it wasn’t possible that she could be completely unaffected. It would come back to her. For the moment, her brain was protecting her by wiping the experience from her memory, but that wouldn’t last indefinitely.
Which was only one among many reasons why he wanted her to stay with him. For now, anyway, which was all he could offer her. Or anyone, really.
“That’s no answer, Doctor.” She glared at him - and then suddenly broke into a smile. “Now I know it’s really you.”
“What d’you mean?”
“You’re always like that. Not tellin’ me stuff. Bein’ mysterious. Telling me I don’t need to know something.”
“Well, there you go.” He smiled at her in return. “Still me. See?”
“Yeah.” She sobered again and reached for her coffee. Then, after a moment, she said, her voice quiet, “You like different things now. Like blueberries. What... What ‘bout other things you used to like? Or... or people?”
Ah. Here it was: her real concern. Did he still care about her?
He couldn’t blame her for that, not really. They’d had a very, very intense relationship over the past six months. They’d become very close very quickly. How long had he known her when he’d hesitated over blowing the Slitheen to pieces in case she got killed in the process? A few days?
Instead of answering her, he threw her question back to her in the form of another question. “Do you think that’s changed?”
She shrugged, staring out across the city rather than looking at him. “Dunno. I mean, you ‘ave changed in some ways. You like my mum now. An’ you’re nice to Mickey. Even though he hates your guts cause of the - ” She faltered for a moment, then finished what she’d been saying. “ - the marriage thing.”
“I find it easier to like people now, yes.” Or show dislike less obviously, maybe. Though she was right. He couldn’t dislike Jackie now. Especially not after everything she’d done to help him when he was sick. She’d been far kinder than he had any right to expect. “Doesn’t mean I’ve stopped liking anyone I liked before.” He threw her a grin. This time, since she was looking at him, he got a half-smile back.
But he still hadn’t told her what she wanted to hear. Her silence, and the frown returning to her face, made that clear.
He could tell her that, just two days ago, he’d died to save her, and that this new him would do it again without a second thought. But she didn’t know why he’d died yet, and she wasn’t ready to hear it. She’d tear herself apart with guilt, for one thing, despite the fact that if she’d never come back he’d be permanently dead. As would the entire population of Earth in the year 200,100.
“Rose.” He held out his hand to her. After a few moments, she took it. She’d taken her gloves off to eat, and her fingers were chilled. He gave her fingers a squeeze. “C’mere.” He jerked his chin away from her. “You’re cold.”
After a moment, she moved closer to him. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, holding her against him. “You want to know if I still care about you?” She nodded, not speaking. “Yes. Course I do. Thought I made that clear when we were standing outside the TARDIS last night?”
“Yes, but...” She trailed off, but the hurt expression on her face made clear that she’d been going to mention what had happened after that. His disastrous attempt to clear up the marriage question.
“That’s different. That’s got nothing to do with this - you and me, best mates.”
“Best mates,” she echoed.
“Yeah. Just like before.”
“So...” She turned her head so that she could look up at him. “The way you feel about me... ‘s the same as before?”
“Almost.” The word slipped out before he could debate with himself whether absolute honesty was the best policy in this situation.
“Almost?” Now she was looking fearful again.
“I don’t mean it in a bad way. Actually, it is good. Really.”
“How?” That was definitely suspicion. And she’d slipped out from under his arm. Pretending not to notice, he leaned back, sliding his arms back so that he could rest on his elbows. He let his eyes drift shut, remaining silent.
“Doctor?” Oh, she really did want an answer, didn’t she? He sighed. He’d started this one, so he couldn’t avoid the answer.
“You know about the Time War. I don’t think I ever told you, but it hadn’t been over long when I met you - in my timeline, that is. Hard to say how long, exactly, because I was wounded and then I regenerated, and there was the usual regeneration sickness. Then the TARDIS picked up the Nestene’s signal and that was that.”
“An’ we met,” she said.
“Yeah. Just like that. You in a basement being chased by attack mannequins. Me with my trusty sonic screwdriver.”
“Run,” she quoted at him softly, and he could hear the sadness in her voice. She still missed the old him - but how could she not? It’d only been a couple of days.
“Yeah.” He sat up again and glanced at her. She was watching him, and she was chewing her lip. “I was scarred, Rose. You know that. You saw it. I’m not sure now how I’d’ve coped in those first few months if you hadn’t been there. I don’t know if you have any idea what you did for me.” And that wasn’t easy to admit. Under any other circumstances, he’d never have told her.
The anxious expression on her face faded away, to be replaced by relief. And a smile. “I’m glad, Doctor. I always hoped, you know - that I was helping. I wanted to.”
“You did.” He reached for her hand again. “You were there when I needed someone very badly, and I’ll never forget that. But that’s what I mean by ‘almost’. That’s the bit that’s not the same.”
***
She stared at him. And hurt started to seep through her again, just like the chill of the December air had while she’d been sitting out here.
He’d needed her. She’d known that, and had been glad to be needed. It’d been one thing she could give him, considering everything he was giving her. And it’d been a reason why she knew he’d keep her around.
And now he didn’t need her any more.
He was only going to hurt her again, but she had to ask. “So... you’re sayin’ you don’t need me now?”
Again, he was silent for several moments, and he wasn’t looking at her. “Doctor? That’s what you’re sayin’, is it?”
“Not in the same way.” She flinched and tried to pull her hand away, but he held on tightly. “Rose, listen to me. Course I need you - as a friend, as a companion, someone to do silly things with and get me out of trouble when I need it. But not as... well, as someone to take out my anger and grief on. Or as someone to cling to because you’re all I’ve got left.”
“What? You mean now you’ve changed ‘s all better? None of it matters any more?”
She’d seen how the loss had affected him - the previous him. She’d heard the pain and anguish in his voice any time the subject came up. Was he saying that he just didn’t care any more? That his grief was something else he could shrug off along with his old body?
“Of course it matters! What do you think? I’ve lost everything, Rose. My planet, my people... It’ll always matter. But life goes on. You learn to live with it - like your mum learned to live without your dad. You think it doesn’t matter to her, just because she was able to get on with her life?”
Well, when he put it like that... And he did still care. The grief wasn’t as obvious as it’d been before, but she could still hear it in his voice. “No. S’pose not.”
“Right.” He nodded. “Anyway, the thing is... I did need you. But probably too much. And that was bad for both of us. ‘Specially you.”
How could he say that? “I didn’t mind. I wanted to ‘elp you.”
His hand tightened around hers again. “I know you did. And you did. But I was too needy then. It could easily have become unhealthy over time. Eventually, for your own sanity, you’d’ve had to walk away from me.”
“No! I wouldn’t’ve done that.”
“You should have.” His tone was grim. “Rose, forget about who I am. Forget that I have the TARDIS and that we’ve been all over time and space together. And just think about the way I was. If one of your friends here behaved like that, after a while you’d start to feel trapped, at the very least.”
Maybe he was right. Maybe. “But you were getting better,” she pointed out. “You really were.”
“Yeah.” His smile was fleeting. “And then the Daleks came back, Rose. You have no idea what that did to me - knowing they’d survived all along. That I’d destroyed my planet for nothing.”
“Wait a minute...” She stared at him. “You destroyed your planet?”
“Oh.” His mouth turned down at the corners, and he fell silent again for a while. Eventually, he seemed to decide to answer her. “Never told you that, did I? Yeah, I was the one who pushed the big button when the time came. Had to be me. There wasn’t anyone else.” He looked away, out over the city. “We’d agreed in advance - the Council of the Time Lords - that if it became necessary that’s what I’d do. Didn’t make it any easier, though. Still doesn’t.”
What could she say to that? And now she understood why he’d never told her any of this before. It would’ve been far too painful for him.
“But, anyway,” he said, his tone suddenly far more cheerful - almost suspiciously so, “can’t sit around here chatting all day! You’re getting cold!” And he jumped to his feet, then reached down to pull her up.
Conversation become too much for him all of a sudden, then? Okay, he’d told her far more than he ever would’ve in his old body, but obviously he still had limits to how much he’d open up to her. But he was right, anyway. She was cold. All that time sitting there, she hadn’t realised just how chilled she’d got. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to warm up.
He watched her for a moment, then stepped closer to her. “Oh, c’mere.” Strong arms - different arms - were wrapped around her, and he held her close against him, rubbing his hands up and down her back. “Any better?”
“Yeah.” She nodded. “Yeah, that feels good.”
“Good.” He released her, but held out his hand for her to take. “Silly idea, meeting up here, I s’pose. Should’ve just talked in the TARDIS.”
“Why here?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” He looked down at the ground, a half-smile hovering around his lips. “Just fancied a change of scenery. Anyway - ” Again, his tone changed, now bracing. “ - you will stay, won’t you? I meant it. I don’t want you to leave.”
“I don’t want to leave either.” She didn’t look at him as he led the way to the stairs. “But... Doctor, we didn’t talk about... you know, the...”
He glanced at her briefly. “The marriage thing.”
“Yeah. That.”
He nodded. “No. We didn’t.” He turned away and stuffed the debris from their breakfast into a nearby bin.
“Look, I get it, you know?” She wasn’t going to let him be the one to say it this time. “You never intended it to be more than a... a convenience. An’ that’s okay. So let’s just forget it, all right?”
“Well, we could,” he agreed. He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. “Thing is, I hurt you last night, Rose, an’ I never intended to do that. I thought you understood the way it is between us, and I should’ve explained it better.”
“Explained what?”
He was silent as they went down the steps. Once at the bottom, though, he stopped and turned to face her.
“Y’know, I think you don’t always listen when I tell you things, Rose Tyler.”
Stung, she retorted, “I do listen! An’ what kind of things d’you mean?”
“Well...” He looked away, raking a hand through his hair. “How old I am, to start with.”
“Nine hundred! That’s what you told me. See? I listen!”
“Well, that an’ a bit more, yes.” And he turned, met her gaze. “But think about that, Rose! I’ve already lived more than ten times your life expectancy. Think about what that means.”
She shrugged. What was he getting at? “If you mean there’s one hell of an age gap between us, I already said that.”
“Rose.” Now his tone was low, and deadly serious. “You care about me. I know that. I care about you, too. But we can’t - I mean, there’s a reason why I can’t be more than a friend to you.” He shook his head. “I should never’ve let Jack push me into kissing you.”
“But I don’t get it!” She stared at him. “I know it wasn’t just me. When you kissed me, I mean. I know it wasn’t just me that felt something.”
She expected him to deny it. Or to claim that, now that he’d changed, he didn’t feel the same way. But he didn’t. “Doesn’t matter whether it was or not, Rose. You still don’t understand what I’m saying.”
“Then tell me!”
“Rose.” He let go of her hand and stood facing her, and she’d never seen him look so serious, or so sad. Not even the old him, talking about the loss of his planet. “Listen. I’ve already lived for almost a thousand years. I don’t age - well, I do, but only very slowly. I regenerate. But humans decay. You wither and you die. Imagine watching that happen to someone that you - ”
The anguish in his voice shook her to the core. He didn’t finish his sentence, but he didn’t have to. “Doctor?” Her own voice shook.
Yeah, she thought she understood, now. And how could he bear it? How many people had he lost over the years? Because he must have, to feel so much pain over it.
He reached for her hand again, and the look in his eyes almost tore her apart. “You could spend the rest of your life with me, Rose, if that was what we wanted. But I can’t spend the rest of mine with you. I’d have no choice but to watch you die, sooner or later. You really want to do that to me?”
Mutely, she shook her head.
“That’s why, Rose. That’s why it was never real and it’s never going to be real.”
He dropped her hand and began to walk away, leaving her standing there, in the middle of the courtyard, speechless and shaking.
And then he stopped and half-turned to her. “Besides,” he added, his tone still suffused with sadness, “I’m not the one you said the words to, Rose. You said it yourself: I’m not the proper Doctor. How can you want to be married to someone you don’t even know?”
***
tbc