Life and Death
Title: Life and Death
Characters: Jensen (sort of), Jared, Sandy
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Death, angst, and a minor spoiler/quote from season 3 finale.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, never will. And, uh...obviously, none of them are dead. Pure fic.
Synopsis: Jared copes as well as he can.
Notes: I'm not sure what possessed me to write this back in the summer, because...obviously, I ♥ these guys, and don't really want to think of them this way. But...yeah, I have no idea. It happened, for some strange reason. But the ending isn't so bad?
Jared bypassed the seat he’d occupied throughout the proceedings, his heart pounding rapidly, threatening to explode past the growing lump in his throat as he made for the back of the room, intent on leaving it altogether. He slowed his shuffled footsteps when he heard the voice of another family member filling the room, lowering his head and squeezing his eyes shut against the freshest bout of tears he’d been treated to that day. He stilled, clenching and unclenching his fists, feeling as though his body was vibrating with pent-up emotions. Lifting his head back up and feeling his own soft bangs clinging to his sweat-soaked forehead, he managed to swallow roughly, letting out a shaky breath, before opening his eyes again. Vaguely aware of the new tears tracing familiar tracks along his cheeks, he looked to the row of seats at his left and chose to sit in the very back of the room, nearly alone, aside from those seated at the other end of the row of chairs.
Sniffing, and willing his heart to calm down, he leaned forward to hold his head in his hands. The muscles in his body tensed before he let a few quiet sobs break free, shoulders shaking with the effort. The voice of the person at the podium continued to flow around the room, wrapping all of the guests up in its storytelling. The memories were sweet and heartwarming, and made his chest hurt all the more for it. Twisting his fingers in his hair, he marveled at how the hell he’d been able to do it not a few moments before. To stand up there in the front of the room and talk about the man they’d all assembled here for; to share his own stories and memories, without suffering a complete breakdown as he stood looking down into the casket.
He shuddered at the image that had suddenly been imprinted on his eyelids when he’d taken his first glance at the still form in the front of the room. He remembered fighting a sudden bout of nausea, the same feeling creeping up on him now, and wondering where the hell his best friend was under all the makeup that had been applied to his skin. Jared had always hated the way people looked when they were laid out. Though everyone else always seemed to say the exact opposite of what he was thinking. “He looks so peaceful.” “He looks just as he did before. So natural.” He automatically attributed all of those statements to a deep-seated denial. In his eyes, no one ever looked peaceful or natural at these things. He’d already been dreading walking in here today for that very reason, among others, of course. And when he did, he’d nearly turned tail and run. He shook his head, still holding it firmly in his grasp. He’d spent years in the entertainment industry. He knew the wonders that could be done with makeup. Christ, they never had a problem making anyone look dead. Why couldn’t the reverse ever be true?
Jared closed his eyes, still hunched over, hands fisted in his hair. It bothered him that he could barely remember what he’d said up there. If he didn’t know any better, he’d almost believe that he didn’t say anything. After all, he’d doubted himself enough before he’d made the seemingly never-ending walk up to the podium. The walk that nearly had him wishing he’d refused the sincere request he’d received days before. “We’d be honored if you would. You were practically his brother, anyway…part of the family.” But he did remember the shared tears, kind smiles, and generous hugs as he’d stepped down. He must’ve done something right.
He’d barely noticed that someone had squeezed past him to quietly take the seat beside him, so the light touch on his shoulder provided a startling jolt out of his deep thoughts.
“That was beautiful, Jared.”
His breath hitched at the sound of the voice, and he almost didn’t believe he’d heard it until he’d lifted his head and fixed his gaze on the person beside him.
“Sandy.”
If they’d been in any other situation, he’d be embarrassed at how quickly he crumbled in front of her. But, under the circumstances, he allowed himself these few moments of weakness. She was beautiful. Even now, she was beautiful, though she’d obviously been crying almost as much as he had, her eyes reddened and wet, tears still rolling down her face. He’d barely choked out her name before he’d fallen back into quiet sobs, automatically leaning into the arms she wrapped around him.
“You came,” he whispered, once he held her firmly in his own tight grasp. “I can’t believe you came.”
“Of course I came,” she whispered back, her voice shaky, as she rubbed gentle circles over Jared’s back. “He was a good friend.”
“Yeah, he was,” Jared said, straightening back up, and looking at her, offering a small smile as he fought to get his shaking hands under control. He swallowed roughly again before adding, “He was the best.”
Sandy smiled back, pinning him with a sad gaze. Catching her bottom lip in her teeth, he could see her fighting back more tears.
“I only wish I…”
“Don’t,” Jared said softly, taking her hand in his and squeezing gently. “Don’t do that to yourself. Believe me, it hurts too much. There’s no reason for you to put yourself through that, anyway.”
Sandy nodded, eyes wandering off in another direction as she continued her fight to calm herself.
“Just to have seen him.” She shrugged, staring down at their clasped hands. “To have talked to him again…have us all hang out, like we used to.”
“I know.” Jared pulled her in for another loose hug. “God, I know.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared stood at the edge of the grave, forcing away the sudden urge to begin laughing hysterically. It didn’t feel real. He’d spent too many days (and nights) on set with Jensen, digging up, running around, and hopping inside graves to be able to grasp the fact that this was real. That Jensen wasn’t going to suddenly sneak up behind him, whack him in the back of the head with a shovel, and start giggling like a five-year-old. Not this time. This time, he was watching Jensen being lowered into the grave without the knowledge that he’d be reaching in and helping him out of it just a short time later. That realization would’ve hurt him, if it could reach deep enough inside of him. As it was, he stood there almost completely numb, still expecting to hear someone call cut, so that he could go home.
He was a mess, and he knew it. This whole damn thing was a mess. He welcomed the anger building up inside of him that he’d been dealing with every so often since the accident. He outwardly scoffed at that word as it flitted through his mind: “Accident.” An accident is what happens when you trip over a crack in the sidewalk. An accident is what you call it when the coffee mug that you’re fumbling around with at 5:30 in the morning manages to slip from your fingers and hit the rug. Sure, maybe intent to kill hadn’t been a part of the mix. But Jensen Ackles was fucking dead. That was a hell of a lot more than an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared walked over to his car, sighing heavily and leaning his back against it. He’d thought about driving the Impala here, but figured it might seem more like a gimmick than a tribute. God knows it would have eaten up a ton of gas on the way here. That and it was safer back at his home in San Antonio. He remembered the day he’d gotten it, completely taken by surprise. “Take it, Jared. Jensen always said he wanted one when the show was over. You should have it. I know you’ll take care of it as well as he would have.”
He stared down at the ground, not really seeing it, recalling that last day he’d spent on the set. He hated how true the words that Dean had spoken in the season three finale had become for him. “Take care of my wheels.” But he’d be damned if he didn’t show that thing even more love than Dean had, now that it was in his possession.
The worst part of the day had been walking into Jensen’s trailer. He’d closed the door behind him, shutting everyone else out. Of course, they were all kind enough to give him some time alone, anyway. His emotions had immediately gotten the better of him. Everything looked the same. Jensen’s chair, his dartboard chock full of knives, the tiny holes in the wall that had been made every time he’d missed. It wasn’t until that moment that the gravity of the situation truly hit him. He’d found himself weeping on the floor, gasping and choking on the pain that settled in his chest.
Another feather-light touch on his arm snapped him out of his trance, and he looked up. Sandy smiled sympathetically at him, gently rubbing his arm.
“Anything in particular?”
“No.” Jared shrugged after thinking for a moment. “Just everything.” Sandy nodded.
“Are you driving back home?”
Jared hesitated. That had been his original plan. Drive here, drive back. But if there was anything he didn’t want right now, it was to drive all the way back home with nothing but his own thoughts and crappy music stations to keep him company. He’d been invited to stay at the Ackles’, but he didn’t want to impose. They’d assured him that he wasn’t, but they were grieving for their son, after all. Besides, though he wasn’t ungrateful, he’d experienced that level of grief for enough hours today. He breathed out a dry laugh, knowing he was contradicting himself. He wanted to be alone, but he didn’t. Nice one, Padalecki. Why don’t you just admit that you can’t cope either way?
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I thought I’d decided, but…I guess I haven’t yet. What are your plans?”
“Don’t really have any. Figured I’d just find some place to stay overnight, you know?”
A moment of silence passed between them. Jared wondered if having Sandy in the car with him on the way back would make the drive a bit more tolerable. Still, after breaking off an engagement and not having seen each other for a good chunk of time, the invitation might seem a little awkward. Clearing his throat when it seemed as though she was readying herself for a quick goodbye, he loosely wrapped his fingers around her wrist in a friendly gesture.
“Well…” Jared spoke carefully. “If I am gonna drive back home, you could just stay at my place.”
He saw the doubt and discomfort flash in her eyes, and returned that look with one of innocence and sincerity. There was no need to read too much into this. He watched as she opened her mouth as if to speak, then closed it again, flushing slightly with embarrassment and rolling her eyes at her own unease.
“If you wouldn’t mind,” she said, her smile a little brighter, “I’d be very grateful.”
“Good.” Jared let out a sigh of relief that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding and returned her smile. The genuine upturned curve to his lips felt strange even to him. It had been a long time since he’d done that. He unlocked the doors as Sandy strode around to the passenger side of the car. “You can keep me company on the road.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The slightly awkward silence between them faded, and halfway through the trip, Jared nearly had to pull over, he was laughing so hard. The dull throb of grief had suddenly taken a backseat to the laughter that accompanied the reminiscence of the memories he and Sandy had shared with Jensen. He carefully took a moment to wipe at his eyes as he drove, recognizing these tears as the ones he had been used to before Jensen’s death. Sandy was still gigging gleefully beside him, and he chuckled once again at the recollection she had shared. His grin was wide, and the only thought in his head now was that that Jensen Ackles had been one crazy son of a bitch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I remember when you first met him.”
He looked up at her from his position in the chair, across from where she had curled up on the couch, cup of tea in hand, the sadness creeping back into his system again. But she smiled at the memory.
“I’d never heard you so excited about working with someone before.” She laughed quietly and shook her head, her dark hair framing her face. “You were so happy that he was a Texas boy, and that you got along so well.”
“It feels like ages ago, doesn’t it?” He leaned forward, elbows resting on his thighs, hands clasped over his knees. “I mean, I know it’s been a few years, but I feel like I’ve known him for so much longer than that.”
The mood became somber then, perhaps when they both picked up on Jared’s use of the present tense, the silence between them growing heavy. Sandy eyed him apologetically, setting her cup down on the table beside the couch.
“I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I probably shouldn’t keep bringing things up like that.”
“No! No,” Jared said quickly, his palms outstretched in a peaceful gesture. “Please. It’s fine. I’m fine. I mean, it still hurts yeah, but…it’s actually really nice to hear you talk about these things; to talk about them with you.” A faint smile flitted over her features, and he cast his gaze down at the floor. “I almost forgot that you were there for most of this…when I met him, filming the show…even if it was just over the phone. It’s kinda comforting to know that someone else remembers things the same way I do. You know, I’m not alone in this, and I’m not the only one who saw things from a certain point of view.” He hesitated before looking up at her again, fingers entangling themselves when nervousness added itself to the mixture of emotions he was feeling. “It’s good to see you again, Sandy.”
Sandy promptly worried her bottom lip, unsure of how to respond. Jared looked away again, preparing himself for an awkward rejection, an apology, any kind of negative response.
“It’s good to see you, too.” He must’ve looked surprised when he lifted his head, because she laughed a little, her face flushed. “You look good. I mean, considering…”
“Yeah, well.” He smirked, lowered his eyelashes, and pouted, giving her his best goof-up of a sexy pose. “You know, suits were always my thing.” He let the expression drop as soon as he’d succeeded in making her laugh.
“You did always clean up nice,” she admitted, eyeing him playfully.
“You look beautiful,” Jared blurted out, after only a moment’s hesitation. “I was thinking about it when I first saw you earlier, and I just couldn’t help thinking that…that even when you were that upset, you were beautiful.”
She regarded him with wide, tearful eyes as silence once again settled over the room. Jared mentally cursed himself for speaking way too fucking much without thinking, again. He may have actually flinched as he berated himself, seeing Sandy make the same motion out of the corner of his eye.
“Jared…”
“Don’t.” He cut her off, shaking his head at himself, anger and fear and frustration making him tense. “Don’t. You don’t have to say anything, I’m…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I just…it’s just…I’ve missed you.” He squeezed his eyes shut and stifled a groan, realizing he’d just done it again. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop being so hard on yourself,” Sandy chided gently. “You were always honest with me before. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t be now. I’m still your friend, Jared. I’ll always be your friend. And you can tell me anything, even if it has to do with…us.” She paused, and Jared chanced a quick glance in her direction. “I know I haven’t been much of a friend recently, but…we needed a break.”
“I know.” He stared at his hands as he responded, his voice small and childlike.
“I’ve missed you, too.”
Jared perked up again, and immediately started talking. Hell, they both knew he couldn’t keep his mouth shut for too long, and while they were being honest, he might as well let it all go.
“You know, when you showed up today, it was like…it was like, this was the worst day of my life, until you were there. I mean, I went there, and I saw him in that casket looking like…something else, and I swear, I felt like I just wanted to curl up and die, too. It just wasn’t right. Nothing was. And then I had to keep going, and try to stay calm, and give that speech, and…and I was just a mess. Inside, I was just a huge mess. And then, right after that speech, when I was sitting in that chair, feeling more alone than I had all day, you were just there. And I saw your face, and it was like someone just…turned a light on. Suddenly the world wasn’t so dark anymore. And I felt…better. Better than I ever had since Jensen…”
He trailed off, vaguely aware of his inability to finish that last statement, and wondering if any of what he’d said had made sense. When Sandy stood, he half expected her to leave, thinking that maybe he’d gone too far, admitted too much. Instead, she made her way over to him, and wrapped her slim fingers around his arms, lifting gently upwards. Jared got the message and stood, allowing her to pull him close and wrap her arms around him.
“I love you, Sandy.”
The words spilled out of his mouth as soon as his arms encircled her waist, hugging her tightly. He wasn’t sure if it was something he’d only meant in terms of friendship, or something more. Everything felt so jumbled. But it didn’t matter anymore. Either way, be it friend or fiancé, he loved her. And when he felt her arms squeeze around his body, he knew that, either way, she would allow him to.
“I love you, too, Jared.”
Characters: Jensen (sort of), Jared, Sandy
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Death, angst, and a minor spoiler/quote from season 3 finale.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, never will. And, uh...obviously, none of them are dead. Pure fic.
Synopsis: Jared copes as well as he can.
Notes: I'm not sure what possessed me to write this back in the summer, because...obviously, I ♥ these guys, and don't really want to think of them this way. But...yeah, I have no idea. It happened, for some strange reason. But the ending isn't so bad?
Jared bypassed the seat he’d occupied throughout the proceedings, his heart pounding rapidly, threatening to explode past the growing lump in his throat as he made for the back of the room, intent on leaving it altogether. He slowed his shuffled footsteps when he heard the voice of another family member filling the room, lowering his head and squeezing his eyes shut against the freshest bout of tears he’d been treated to that day. He stilled, clenching and unclenching his fists, feeling as though his body was vibrating with pent-up emotions. Lifting his head back up and feeling his own soft bangs clinging to his sweat-soaked forehead, he managed to swallow roughly, letting out a shaky breath, before opening his eyes again. Vaguely aware of the new tears tracing familiar tracks along his cheeks, he looked to the row of seats at his left and chose to sit in the very back of the room, nearly alone, aside from those seated at the other end of the row of chairs.
Sniffing, and willing his heart to calm down, he leaned forward to hold his head in his hands. The muscles in his body tensed before he let a few quiet sobs break free, shoulders shaking with the effort. The voice of the person at the podium continued to flow around the room, wrapping all of the guests up in its storytelling. The memories were sweet and heartwarming, and made his chest hurt all the more for it. Twisting his fingers in his hair, he marveled at how the hell he’d been able to do it not a few moments before. To stand up there in the front of the room and talk about the man they’d all assembled here for; to share his own stories and memories, without suffering a complete breakdown as he stood looking down into the casket.
He shuddered at the image that had suddenly been imprinted on his eyelids when he’d taken his first glance at the still form in the front of the room. He remembered fighting a sudden bout of nausea, the same feeling creeping up on him now, and wondering where the hell his best friend was under all the makeup that had been applied to his skin. Jared had always hated the way people looked when they were laid out. Though everyone else always seemed to say the exact opposite of what he was thinking. “He looks so peaceful.” “He looks just as he did before. So natural.” He automatically attributed all of those statements to a deep-seated denial. In his eyes, no one ever looked peaceful or natural at these things. He’d already been dreading walking in here today for that very reason, among others, of course. And when he did, he’d nearly turned tail and run. He shook his head, still holding it firmly in his grasp. He’d spent years in the entertainment industry. He knew the wonders that could be done with makeup. Christ, they never had a problem making anyone look dead. Why couldn’t the reverse ever be true?
Jared closed his eyes, still hunched over, hands fisted in his hair. It bothered him that he could barely remember what he’d said up there. If he didn’t know any better, he’d almost believe that he didn’t say anything. After all, he’d doubted himself enough before he’d made the seemingly never-ending walk up to the podium. The walk that nearly had him wishing he’d refused the sincere request he’d received days before. “We’d be honored if you would. You were practically his brother, anyway…part of the family.” But he did remember the shared tears, kind smiles, and generous hugs as he’d stepped down. He must’ve done something right.
He’d barely noticed that someone had squeezed past him to quietly take the seat beside him, so the light touch on his shoulder provided a startling jolt out of his deep thoughts.
“That was beautiful, Jared.”
His breath hitched at the sound of the voice, and he almost didn’t believe he’d heard it until he’d lifted his head and fixed his gaze on the person beside him.
“Sandy.”
If they’d been in any other situation, he’d be embarrassed at how quickly he crumbled in front of her. But, under the circumstances, he allowed himself these few moments of weakness. She was beautiful. Even now, she was beautiful, though she’d obviously been crying almost as much as he had, her eyes reddened and wet, tears still rolling down her face. He’d barely choked out her name before he’d fallen back into quiet sobs, automatically leaning into the arms she wrapped around him.
“You came,” he whispered, once he held her firmly in his own tight grasp. “I can’t believe you came.”
“Of course I came,” she whispered back, her voice shaky, as she rubbed gentle circles over Jared’s back. “He was a good friend.”
“Yeah, he was,” Jared said, straightening back up, and looking at her, offering a small smile as he fought to get his shaking hands under control. He swallowed roughly again before adding, “He was the best.”
Sandy smiled back, pinning him with a sad gaze. Catching her bottom lip in her teeth, he could see her fighting back more tears.
“I only wish I…”
“Don’t,” Jared said softly, taking her hand in his and squeezing gently. “Don’t do that to yourself. Believe me, it hurts too much. There’s no reason for you to put yourself through that, anyway.”
Sandy nodded, eyes wandering off in another direction as she continued her fight to calm herself.
“Just to have seen him.” She shrugged, staring down at their clasped hands. “To have talked to him again…have us all hang out, like we used to.”
“I know.” Jared pulled her in for another loose hug. “God, I know.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared stood at the edge of the grave, forcing away the sudden urge to begin laughing hysterically. It didn’t feel real. He’d spent too many days (and nights) on set with Jensen, digging up, running around, and hopping inside graves to be able to grasp the fact that this was real. That Jensen wasn’t going to suddenly sneak up behind him, whack him in the back of the head with a shovel, and start giggling like a five-year-old. Not this time. This time, he was watching Jensen being lowered into the grave without the knowledge that he’d be reaching in and helping him out of it just a short time later. That realization would’ve hurt him, if it could reach deep enough inside of him. As it was, he stood there almost completely numb, still expecting to hear someone call cut, so that he could go home.
He was a mess, and he knew it. This whole damn thing was a mess. He welcomed the anger building up inside of him that he’d been dealing with every so often since the accident. He outwardly scoffed at that word as it flitted through his mind: “Accident.” An accident is what happens when you trip over a crack in the sidewalk. An accident is what you call it when the coffee mug that you’re fumbling around with at 5:30 in the morning manages to slip from your fingers and hit the rug. Sure, maybe intent to kill hadn’t been a part of the mix. But Jensen Ackles was fucking dead. That was a hell of a lot more than an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared walked over to his car, sighing heavily and leaning his back against it. He’d thought about driving the Impala here, but figured it might seem more like a gimmick than a tribute. God knows it would have eaten up a ton of gas on the way here. That and it was safer back at his home in San Antonio. He remembered the day he’d gotten it, completely taken by surprise. “Take it, Jared. Jensen always said he wanted one when the show was over. You should have it. I know you’ll take care of it as well as he would have.”
He stared down at the ground, not really seeing it, recalling that last day he’d spent on the set. He hated how true the words that Dean had spoken in the season three finale had become for him. “Take care of my wheels.” But he’d be damned if he didn’t show that thing even more love than Dean had, now that it was in his possession.
The worst part of the day had been walking into Jensen’s trailer. He’d closed the door behind him, shutting everyone else out. Of course, they were all kind enough to give him some time alone, anyway. His emotions had immediately gotten the better of him. Everything looked the same. Jensen’s chair, his dartboard chock full of knives, the tiny holes in the wall that had been made every time he’d missed. It wasn’t until that moment that the gravity of the situation truly hit him. He’d found himself weeping on the floor, gasping and choking on the pain that settled in his chest.
Another feather-light touch on his arm snapped him out of his trance, and he looked up. Sandy smiled sympathetically at him, gently rubbing his arm.
“Anything in particular?”
“No.” Jared shrugged after thinking for a moment. “Just everything.” Sandy nodded.
“Are you driving back home?”
Jared hesitated. That had been his original plan. Drive here, drive back. But if there was anything he didn’t want right now, it was to drive all the way back home with nothing but his own thoughts and crappy music stations to keep him company. He’d been invited to stay at the Ackles’, but he didn’t want to impose. They’d assured him that he wasn’t, but they were grieving for their son, after all. Besides, though he wasn’t ungrateful, he’d experienced that level of grief for enough hours today. He breathed out a dry laugh, knowing he was contradicting himself. He wanted to be alone, but he didn’t. Nice one, Padalecki. Why don’t you just admit that you can’t cope either way?
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I thought I’d decided, but…I guess I haven’t yet. What are your plans?”
“Don’t really have any. Figured I’d just find some place to stay overnight, you know?”
A moment of silence passed between them. Jared wondered if having Sandy in the car with him on the way back would make the drive a bit more tolerable. Still, after breaking off an engagement and not having seen each other for a good chunk of time, the invitation might seem a little awkward. Clearing his throat when it seemed as though she was readying herself for a quick goodbye, he loosely wrapped his fingers around her wrist in a friendly gesture.
“Well…” Jared spoke carefully. “If I am gonna drive back home, you could just stay at my place.”
He saw the doubt and discomfort flash in her eyes, and returned that look with one of innocence and sincerity. There was no need to read too much into this. He watched as she opened her mouth as if to speak, then closed it again, flushing slightly with embarrassment and rolling her eyes at her own unease.
“If you wouldn’t mind,” she said, her smile a little brighter, “I’d be very grateful.”
“Good.” Jared let out a sigh of relief that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding and returned her smile. The genuine upturned curve to his lips felt strange even to him. It had been a long time since he’d done that. He unlocked the doors as Sandy strode around to the passenger side of the car. “You can keep me company on the road.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The slightly awkward silence between them faded, and halfway through the trip, Jared nearly had to pull over, he was laughing so hard. The dull throb of grief had suddenly taken a backseat to the laughter that accompanied the reminiscence of the memories he and Sandy had shared with Jensen. He carefully took a moment to wipe at his eyes as he drove, recognizing these tears as the ones he had been used to before Jensen’s death. Sandy was still gigging gleefully beside him, and he chuckled once again at the recollection she had shared. His grin was wide, and the only thought in his head now was that that Jensen Ackles had been one crazy son of a bitch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I remember when you first met him.”
He looked up at her from his position in the chair, across from where she had curled up on the couch, cup of tea in hand, the sadness creeping back into his system again. But she smiled at the memory.
“I’d never heard you so excited about working with someone before.” She laughed quietly and shook her head, her dark hair framing her face. “You were so happy that he was a Texas boy, and that you got along so well.”
“It feels like ages ago, doesn’t it?” He leaned forward, elbows resting on his thighs, hands clasped over his knees. “I mean, I know it’s been a few years, but I feel like I’ve known him for so much longer than that.”
The mood became somber then, perhaps when they both picked up on Jared’s use of the present tense, the silence between them growing heavy. Sandy eyed him apologetically, setting her cup down on the table beside the couch.
“I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I probably shouldn’t keep bringing things up like that.”
“No! No,” Jared said quickly, his palms outstretched in a peaceful gesture. “Please. It’s fine. I’m fine. I mean, it still hurts yeah, but…it’s actually really nice to hear you talk about these things; to talk about them with you.” A faint smile flitted over her features, and he cast his gaze down at the floor. “I almost forgot that you were there for most of this…when I met him, filming the show…even if it was just over the phone. It’s kinda comforting to know that someone else remembers things the same way I do. You know, I’m not alone in this, and I’m not the only one who saw things from a certain point of view.” He hesitated before looking up at her again, fingers entangling themselves when nervousness added itself to the mixture of emotions he was feeling. “It’s good to see you again, Sandy.”
Sandy promptly worried her bottom lip, unsure of how to respond. Jared looked away again, preparing himself for an awkward rejection, an apology, any kind of negative response.
“It’s good to see you, too.” He must’ve looked surprised when he lifted his head, because she laughed a little, her face flushed. “You look good. I mean, considering…”
“Yeah, well.” He smirked, lowered his eyelashes, and pouted, giving her his best goof-up of a sexy pose. “You know, suits were always my thing.” He let the expression drop as soon as he’d succeeded in making her laugh.
“You did always clean up nice,” she admitted, eyeing him playfully.
“You look beautiful,” Jared blurted out, after only a moment’s hesitation. “I was thinking about it when I first saw you earlier, and I just couldn’t help thinking that…that even when you were that upset, you were beautiful.”
She regarded him with wide, tearful eyes as silence once again settled over the room. Jared mentally cursed himself for speaking way too fucking much without thinking, again. He may have actually flinched as he berated himself, seeing Sandy make the same motion out of the corner of his eye.
“Jared…”
“Don’t.” He cut her off, shaking his head at himself, anger and fear and frustration making him tense. “Don’t. You don’t have to say anything, I’m…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I just…it’s just…I’ve missed you.” He squeezed his eyes shut and stifled a groan, realizing he’d just done it again. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop being so hard on yourself,” Sandy chided gently. “You were always honest with me before. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t be now. I’m still your friend, Jared. I’ll always be your friend. And you can tell me anything, even if it has to do with…us.” She paused, and Jared chanced a quick glance in her direction. “I know I haven’t been much of a friend recently, but…we needed a break.”
“I know.” He stared at his hands as he responded, his voice small and childlike.
“I’ve missed you, too.”
Jared perked up again, and immediately started talking. Hell, they both knew he couldn’t keep his mouth shut for too long, and while they were being honest, he might as well let it all go.
“You know, when you showed up today, it was like…it was like, this was the worst day of my life, until you were there. I mean, I went there, and I saw him in that casket looking like…something else, and I swear, I felt like I just wanted to curl up and die, too. It just wasn’t right. Nothing was. And then I had to keep going, and try to stay calm, and give that speech, and…and I was just a mess. Inside, I was just a huge mess. And then, right after that speech, when I was sitting in that chair, feeling more alone than I had all day, you were just there. And I saw your face, and it was like someone just…turned a light on. Suddenly the world wasn’t so dark anymore. And I felt…better. Better than I ever had since Jensen…”
He trailed off, vaguely aware of his inability to finish that last statement, and wondering if any of what he’d said had made sense. When Sandy stood, he half expected her to leave, thinking that maybe he’d gone too far, admitted too much. Instead, she made her way over to him, and wrapped her slim fingers around his arms, lifting gently upwards. Jared got the message and stood, allowing her to pull him close and wrap her arms around him.
“I love you, Sandy.”
The words spilled out of his mouth as soon as his arms encircled her waist, hugging her tightly. He wasn’t sure if it was something he’d only meant in terms of friendship, or something more. Everything felt so jumbled. But it didn’t matter anymore. Either way, be it friend or fiancé, he loved her. And when he felt her arms squeeze around his body, he knew that, either way, she would allow him to.
“I love you, too, Jared.”