Try, Part 2
Part 1
Jared tried to avoid Jensen, even though he knew that he couldn’t. The guy was in his classes, in the same play. There was no getting around it. The only thing he could do was make sure to hurry out of the auditorium whenever rehearsals were over. He didn’t want to get stuck in another awkward sharing moment with Jensen. He kept trying to push the memory of that day away. He hated Jensen. He was supposed to. Jensen was standing in the way of his future as an actor. Jared had three points towards the Thespian Society so far this year. He could’ve had four, one more closer to seven, if Jensen hadn’t stolen the lead in the fall play. And then Jensen had the audacity to suggest that Jared needed his help in order to get the lead. The guy was his enemy.
And yet, Jared couldn’t forget the look on Jensen’s face, the tone of his voice. “You try telling him anything.” And why had Jensen even said anything to him, anyway? Jared deemed that whole conversation unnecessary. What was Jensen doing? It wasn’t as if Jensen had gained anything from it. What if Jensen was telling him the truth? What if Jensen was just trying? Maybe he was making an effort to be civil, extending himself in a gesture of peace. It was more then Jared had done.
Jared couldn’t shake that thought. And he couldn’t deny now that Jensen really was talented, even if Jared was a better Stanley Kowalski. They were cast as friends, which Jared expected to be something akin to torture. But he found that Jensen got just as lost in characters as he did, and the time they spent performing together was easy, smooth. He couldn’t believe he was thinking it, but he preferred acting alongside Jensen than he did the other drama students. It just worked, which sucked, because it almost meant that Jared had to admit defeat. Jensen came from the best drama program in the Northeast, and he was no slouch. Jared was going to lose.
The idea of losing was enough to keep that spark of anger towards Jensen lit inside of him. It was an awful contrast, respecting Jensen’s work ethic and hating it, feeling sympathy for Jensen and hating him. If anything, it made things worse. Jared had thought the initial hate was a terrible feeling, but this mix of emotions went far beyond that. He still maligned Jensen when talking about him with his friends, still laughed when other students picked on the new kid. And then he’d practically run from the auditorium at the end of the day, just so he wouldn’t have to hear any kind words from Jensen that were unwarranted.
“Guy can’t act for shit.”
Jared looked up at Riley and forced a grin. They’d just left school after practice, the two of them walking home until they’d have to part ways. “Damn straight.”
“Seriously, Jay, I can’t wait for you to squash him. Somebody has to. We have the one-act play competition after this, and if fuckin’ Jensen gets the lead and not you, he’s gonna regret it.”
Jared stopped walking. It would’ve been easy to ignore that statement, but Riley could be a bit unpredictable when someone managed to get on his bad side. He swallowed hard, his eyes on Riley’s questioning ones. “What do you mean by that?”
“Why do you care?” Riley asked, and Jared took a moment to compose himself, shrugging as he started walking again, trying to play it cool.
“Just don’t want anybody to get hurt, that’s all. It could cause more trouble than it’s worth.”
The subject was dropped after that, but Riley’s words were with Jared for the rest of the day, and into the next. He kept an eye on Riley in drama, and he could see the animosity Riley felt towards Jensen. He knew with a stark certainty that it was an animosity that he’d created, and that did nothing to help the guilt he kept suppressing. Sure, the students at Waterville were against Jensen either way, what with him being a favored outsider. But Jared had only made it worse, and he was sure that the sentiment was spreading amongst his friends. He told himself that he wouldn’t care so much if Riley hadn’t said what he did. He wouldn’t care so much if Riley hadn’t given him reason to worry.
Jared made a show of not having his things together at the end of the day and waved Riley on, even if the guy gave him a weird look before leaving. He was left alone with Jensen, and his stomach churned. This was something he’d been avoiding for some time now, and he could feel Jensen’s presence like a weight pushing him down to the floor.
“Nice job today,” Jensen said quietly, and Jared closed his eyes, pausing in the middle of shoving his books into his backpack. It figured that Jensen would compliment him at a time like this. Silence lingered between them, and Jared wouldn’t turn to look at Jensen until he heard the distinct sound of Jensen’s schoolbag being zippered up, the weight of it being hefted onto Jensen’s shoulder. He saw Jensen walk past him out of the corner of his eye. “I’ll see you later.”
“Wait!” Jensen paused, and Jared stood there with his heart hammering in his chest, nerves frayed. He wasn’t sure why he’d stopped Jensen, or why he’d even stayed alone with him here today. He just felt like he had to do something. “You, too,” he said, complimenting Jensen for the first time. It felt odd, almost wrong with how hard Jared had been fighting against Jensen and everything he stood for. It made him want to grit his teeth and cringe, turn away and forget this whole thing, to hell with what Riley said. But it was the truth, even if he struggled with it. “You’ve…been doing a really good job.”
Jensen stood there, unsure of himself, as if he was questioning whether or not Jared had really just said that. “Thanks,” he said finally, and it sounded so sincere that Jared hated Jensen and himself a little more for it. But it was a change, a start. Jared had finally made the same effort Jensen had. And he had to admit that, at least on some level, it felt good.
Jensen didn’t need anyone’s approval, so he shouldn’t have felt as relieved as he did to have Jared say something nice to him. But he guessed that was what happened when you ended up living like this, with everyone against you. One gesture, one compliment, and you felt a little like you were on top of the world. It was just a difference, finally a sort of acceptance, even if it did seem a little forced. It felt like it had been too long since someone had actually been nice to him, aside from the ass-kissing school staff. It made things easier for him, and time seemed to move a little faster than it had before. He started to think that maybe senior year at Waterville wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe it would be nice to have a friend here, instead of just coasting through until graduation.
It made him feel a little stupid, how much it pleased him to have Jared hang back more often after drama and rehearsals. He didn’t do it every day, sometimes hurrying off with Riley. But it became more and more frequent, the two of them packing up their schoolbags together after everyone else had left, sharing a few words, and then parting ways. He watched one day as Jared purposely took his time, waving Riley off.
“You were better than usual today,” Jared said, sitting in the seat beside the one his schoolbag was in while he shoved his things into it. Jensen looked over at Jared and caught a smile from him. It was small, but genuine, and Jensen thought that was the first time anyone at Waterville had smiled at him like that. It made him feel that much better. “I mean, you were angrier.” Jared laughed. “Kinda fierce. You do it that way the night of the show, and you’ll have everyone in town talking about you.”
Jensen snorted, even if he did appreciate the compliment; he’d never taken them very well. “Yeah, they’ll all think I’m a wife beater.”
Jared laughed again, and Jensen was smiling before he even realized it, forgetting about packing up and leaning back against the seats. It got quiet then, and Jensen felt how unsure Jared was still, how he still harbored something against Jensen and couldn’t decide whether or not they were friends or enemies.
“Hey, you do anything after school?” Jared asked suddenly, hands fumbling with each other nervously. “I mean, you have any place to be right now?”
Jensen swallowed and shook his head, wondering where this was going. “No. Just home.”
There were another few moments of silence, and then, “You wanna come over?” Jared shrugged, out of uncertainty and his obvious attempts to be nonchalant. “I don’t live far, I usually walk home.”
It was an invitation, and it threw Jensen off. It made him happy, but it also made him wary, because even if it would be nice to have a friend, being shunned made it easy for him to hide and stay safe. This…This was opening himself up to more. Whether it was more possibilities or more hatred, Jensen didn’t know. But both scared him. When he first came here, he hadn’t wanted to get too attached to anything. And now…
Jensen realized he had to answer, sooner rather than later, or else the prolonged hesitation would be offensive. And even if he knew what could happen, even if his mouth went dry and his stomach twisted a little inside of him, he found himself saying yes.
Jared walked out of the auditorium with Jensen, relieved to find that none of his friends were still hanging around outside. There was no one there to see them. He didn’t know what he’d do if Chad or anyone else called him to ask what he was up to, but he’d cross that bridge when he came to it. For now, he had Jensen to deal with. Part of him couldn’t believe he was doing this, but there was a bigger part of him that wanted to. He still felt guilt nagging at him inside, still felt some resistance to Jensen, but maybe Jensen wasn’t actually all that bad.
“It’s, uh…It’s this way,” Jared said awkwardly, nodding to the right. He’d almost forgotten that Jensen usually turned to the left whenever they left the school, but he guessed he didn’t take too much notice of Jensen once they were off school property. Jensen nodded at him silently, and Jared turned and started walking.
“Wait!” Jared stopped and turned around at Jensen’s call, hands tucked into the straps of his backpack, Jensen a few steps behind him. He waited for Jensen to speak again, saw some sort of struggle in Jensen’s expression, and he wondered if Jensen had changed his mind. He wondered if maybe Jensen had realized what a jerk he’d been up until now, and if maybe Jensen hated him just as much as he- “I, uh…I drive here.”
Jared stared, the thoughts firing off in his brain suddenly ceasing. Jensen shrugged sheepishly and attempted a smile. “But…you always walk away when we leave,” Jared said slowly. “You never head for the parking lot. Nobody’s ever seen you…” He trailed off, then, his cheeks reddening just a little, because he was admitting to everyone gossiping about Jensen behind his back.
“I don’t park it here,” Jensen replied, shrugging again. “We could walk to my car? I’ll take us to your place, and then I can drive myself home.”
“Yeah.” Jared nodded, his brain still trying to catch up. “Yeah, sure. No problem.”
They walked around the corner and a few blocks over in silence, and it was a quiet that Jared was debating breaking, simply to ask Jensen why he didn’t park at the school. It didn’t seem to make sense. He frowned, his gaze more on the pavement and the steady gait of Jensen’s sneakers in front of him than anything else. Then he heard the chirp of an unlocked car. His eyes traveled up to Jensen’s extended arm, the keys in Jensen’s hand, and then to the car, lights flashing in response to the push of a button.
“Holy shit.” Jared’s voice was quiet, almost a whisper. He stopped walking, standing and staring dumbly, in awe of the car that Jensen was anxiously standing next to, hand on the handle of the driver’s side door. Jared looked at Jensen and back at the car again, laughing with a sudden burst of excitement. “Holy shit!” Jensen looked away and Jared finally moved, circling the car as he gaped at it, grinning wide. “This is a fuckin’ Corvette,” he said, catching sight of himself in the shiny red exterior. “Brand fuckin’ new!” He laughed again, unable to stop himself, reaching his hand out over the hood of the car, but not actually touching it. “Jensen, are you fucking kidding me?”
“My dad got it for me.”
“Fuckin’ sweet!”
“Yeah, I’m the rich kid.”
Jared hadn’t noticed the difference in Jensen’s voice at first, but he did now. It was harder, a little defensive. Jared looked up at him, his smile slowly fading, attention taken from the car. Jensen looked down at the keys in his hand before looking back at Jared, his eyes cold, expression tight and expectant, waiting for Jared to say something else. Jared shifted under Jensen’s gaze, taken aback by Jensen’s attitude and not knowing what to say. They stood like that for a moment, and then Jensen’s expression softened and his gaze fell. He gave a bitter laugh, and Jared couldn’t figure out for the life of him what was wrong.
“It’s fuckin’ embarrassing, you know?” Jensen said finally, leaning on the top of the car and looking over at Jared. “It’s bad enough walking into a place knowing that people are gonna hate you, but to pull up in this? I couldn’t do it. I’d practically be hanged for it. I tried telling my dad that, but he…”
Jared watched Jensen as he trailed off, his guilt coming back full force. He remembered then that if this were just a few weeks ago, he would hate Jensen for having this car, too. It would be one more thing to Jensen’s advantage, one more thing for this spoiled rich kid to have in his possession. One more thing Jensen had that Jared didn’t. He hated the way his mind hinted at jealousy and wouldn’t allow it to move any further in that direction. He wasn’t jealous. He’d had his reasons for hating Jensen, and they’d been valid. Hadn’t they?
He stood there, wondering how he hadn’t thought of things the way Jensen had. He’d been blinded by the car, the thing of beauty just beneath his fingertips. It was something anyone would kill to have, and Jensen was ashamed of it enough to go out of his way to park it where other students either wouldn’t see it or wouldn’t associate it with him.
“It’s a really nice car,” Jared said, perking up at the thought that he was going to get to ride in it. He smiled, ignoring Jensen’s confusion at the joyous look. “Show me how it runs?”
Jensen got it then and smiled back, nodding and opening the door, settling into the driver’s seat.
It was a short drive, but it was the first time Jensen had managed to enjoy the car his father had given him as consolation for having to leave everything in Hyannis behind. It was different, having Jared there with him to laugh and put the top down, to grin at the sound of the engine and the perfect smoothness of the ride. He’d even let Jared turn the radio on and laughed when Jared started singing along, blissfully off-key.
“Yeah, I’m not the best singer,” Jared said when Jensen parked and turned the car off, still laughing. “Kinda makes it difficult to get anywhere in the spring musical.”
Jensen grinned. “We can work on that.” He hesitated before getting out of the car, realizing that he’d just insinuated that he and Jared would actually be hanging out together again after today. Jared just nodded and bounced out of the car, shutting the door as if he were handling something made of glass.
“Man, this thing is amazing! I can’t believe you’ve been hidin’ her away!”
“Her?” Jensen asked, climbing out of the car and moving to stand beside Jared on the sidewalk.
“Yeah!” Jared answered, gesturing towards the Corvette excitedly. “It’s always a her. Come on, don’t tell me you haven’t named her yet?”
Jensen rubbed at the back of his neck as he shoved his keys in his pocket. “Well, I haven’t really been much attached to her since I got her.” He shrugged, smiling at Jared. “Guess she still needs a name.”
“Dude!” Jared laughed again, and Jensen joined in a little, even if he didn’t know the reason for it. “You totally have a Little Red Corvette. Last day of school, you should just drive around the school with the top down, blasting that song and giving everybody the finger.”
“Somehow, I don’t think that would go over too well,” Jensen said, enjoying this side of Jared. “But what a dream!”
Jared clapped a hand on Jensen’s shoulder, the first real contact they’d had so far, and turned towards the house. “Come on, let’s go inside.”
Jensen followed Jared into the Colonial-style house, thinking it was warm and cozy. It was nice, and it felt like a home, rather than his own big, empty house. He thought it was something he probably wouldn’t have associated with Jared in the beginning, but now it made sense. Jared’s little sister met them just inside the door, and Jensen felt that this place was made for a nice family. He ignored the hurt caused by that thought as well as he could, swallowing it down and smiling at the girl in front of him.
“This is my little sister, Megan,” Jared said, ruffling her hair. She pushed him away in annoyance. “Meg, this is Jensen.”
“Oh.” Megan stopped and stared at Jensen, nodding when he greeted her. “Hi,” she said back, and then her eyes wandered to Jared. “I thought Jensen was the one you didn’t li-”
“Megan.” Jared’s sharp answer was enough to make her close her mouth and shrug with indifference, smiling back at Jensen properly.
“Nice to meet you, Jensen!”
“Nice to meet you,” Jensen said, amused by the slightly horrified look on Jared’s face and the casual expression on Megan’s. He tilted his head as he looked at her, regarding her playfully. “How old are you, sixteen?”
Megan’s smile turned into a grin, and she blushed a little, eyes dropping shyly. “Thirteen,” she answered quietly. “Almost.” She looked back and forth between Jared and Jensen and then giggled and excused herself, hurrying up the stairs to her room.
“Dude, that’s my little sister,” Jared said when he heard her bedroom door close. He was smirking as Jensen chuckled and shrugged, and then the smirk faded. “Sorry about that,” he murmured, and Jensen remembered Megan’s little slip just a minute ago.
“Don’t worry about it.” He smiled and waved it off, like it was nothing. It wasn’t quite nothing, but he figured he could live with it. He’d been enjoying himself too much today to let it get him down. “That was then, this is now.”
“Yeah.” Jared smiled at him again, relieved. “You play Wii?”
Jensen shook his head. “Not much. At least, not for a pretty long time. I probably wouldn’t be very good at it.”
Jared grinned. “We can work on that.”
It was unavoidable. After the invitation, the car ride, and the time spent schooling Jensen in Wii (something Jared never got to do with Chad), it was obvious that Jared’s friends would find out about his new attitude towards Jensen. He didn’t want them to, but it was simple. Right from that first moment when Jensen walked into pre-calc, smiled, and actually said hi to Jared as he sat down, Chad knew. Jared returned the greeting, and Chad stared, incredulous.
“What the fuck is this?” Chad whispered harshly, and Jared shushed him.
“I’ll tell you later,” he whispered back, hoping Jensen either couldn’t hear them or wasn’t paying attention to what they were saying.
Later came too soon. When Jared’s lunch period rolled around, he felt oddly like he’d just made it to school. It wasn’t supposed to happen this quickly. He walked a little slower to the cafeteria than usual, telling himself that he had to be a man and face this. It was the only thing he could do. It wasn’t as if he could skip lunch for the rest of the year or avoid his friends. He got his food first, and when he got to the table, all eyes were on him. He muttered a greeting, set his tray of food down, dropped his backpack, and then slumped into his seat.
“…Well?” Chad said eventually.
Jared looked up at him with wide, innocent eyes. “What?”
Chad rolled his eyes. “It’s later, douchebag. What’s with you and Jensen?”
“Maybe he finally decided to stop being a douchebag and be nice to the kid,” Danneel said, glaring at Chad. “What’s so wrong with that?”
“What’s wrong with it is Jensen’s an asshole, and he’s our fuckin’ enemy!” Riley exclaimed. Danneel huffed at Riley’s attitude and leaned back in her seat, arms crossed over her chest.
“Well, I guess you should know,” Genevieve spoke up, idly pushing her food around her plate. “You’d be an expert on assholes, wouldn’t you Riley?”
“Hey!” Jared interrupted when Riley’s face went red and his mouth opened, looking as if he had a few choice words for Genevieve. Everyone turned to Jared, and he swallowed, making an effort to keep himself calm. He could do this. He was an actor, after all. “Look, it’s not like I’m really friends with him, anyways. I was nice to him, and he came over yesterday, that’s all.”
Sandy cocked an eyebrow at him. “How does that not make you friends with him?”
Chad snapped his fingers and pointed at Jared, his eyes lit up, a smirk forming on his lips. “I get it!” he said triumphantly, and Jared smiled back at him, even if he didn’t know what Chad was about to say. He could always pretend that he did. Chad laughed and nudged Riley. “Come on, our boy’s smarter than that! It’s classic! That whole, ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer,’ kinda thing.” Jared felt something ugly inside him, something telling him that this was wrong, but he grinned anyway. Riley looked doubtful. “Be nice to the kid!” Chad continued. “Invite him over! Make him feel like a pal, and then maybe he won’t be so keen on hogging all the star performances, right? Not if he likes you.”
“Damn straight.” Jared said it with conviction, knew that he had to, and the guys looked much more at ease than the girls did. The girls looked at him with sad expressions, maybe even a little angry. “What?” The bell rang, and Sandy stood up first.
“I really thought you had more class than that, Jared.”
Jared wasn’t sure what was worse, that he’d lied so meanly or that he was relieved to be off the hook with the guys. He pushed it away, as he’d been pushing a lot of things away lately. He wouldn’t dwell on it if he didn’t have to, especially if it made his life easier.
Riley left him alone in the auditorium with Jensen again, without doubt or suspicion. Riley understood, regardless of whether what he understood was the truth or not. That was all that mattered. Jared didn’t have to think about it. He could just turn to Jensen now and smile, with no one there to question him.
“You wanna come over again?”
Jensen smiled back. “Sure. Of course you know this means riding in my old lemon again.”
Jared laughed. “You call her a lemon one more time, and I think God might strike you down.”
Days passed, and Jensen’s mood improved, even if he was cautiously optimistic. It felt good to have someone to talk to in school again, someone to hang out with after class. He felt normal again, for the first time in…he didn’t know how long. He just wondered how the others were reacting to the sudden turnaround in Jared’s behavior.
“Your friends okay with this?” he asked one day, trying to sound cool about it after he and Jared had left the auditorium and were walking to Jensen’s car. He smirked a little, just to take the edge off. “I mean, wasn’t too long ago you all hated me.”
“They’re fine,” Jared said quickly, a look of guilt passing over his face. It was gone in seconds. “Look, man, it was all just a misunderstand-”
“Hey, don’t worry about it.” Jensen cut him off, smiling and unlocking the car. “I was just curious, you know?” He opened the door and got in, Jared mirroring his actions. “It’s just…they’ve been nicer.”
It was true. Chad had actually started greeting him in class, too, even speaking to him in full sentences. Riley was less talkative, but still acknowledged Jensen without his eyes burning holes through Jensen’s body.
Jared fidgeted at the comment, staring ahead, out the windshield. “Isn’t that a good thing?” he asked.
“Yeah.” Jensen started the car up and pulled away from the curb, heading for Jared’s house. “Yeah, sure it is. I mean, it’s good for me.” They were silent for a bit, Jared not even moving to turn the radio on for once. It felt tense, and then Jensen found himself saying something that he didn’t want to, knowing that he was showing vulnerability. But he couldn’t deny that Jared had changed things for him. “Thanks.”
Jared’s head turned towards him in surprise and then turned away again. “No problem.”
“I don’t know what you said to them.” Jensen continued on, filling the silence in the car. He laughed a little bitterly. “I gotta say, I couldn’t blame them, or you, for not being fans of ‘the new kid.’ I know what it’s been like, and why. I knew how it would be from the beginning. All the rumors.”
Jared looked at him again. “You’ve heard them?”
“Yeah.” Jensen laughed, lighter this time, knowing he had to make a joke out of it all in order to survive here. “Apparently, I’ve bribed the entire school staff to favor me and make me look good.” He grinned over at Jared, and then turned his eyes back to the road. “I’m pretty sure some people think I blew Kripke for his undying devotion to me.”
Jared laughed then, partly out of shock and partly in sharing Jensen’s amusement. It felt good to laugh with someone else about it. “No way!”
“Oh, yeah.” Jensen was still grinning as he turned onto Jared’s block. “Come on, I’m sure you’ve heard some good ones. ‘Jensen can’t act. Jensen bribes people to make him look good. Jensen doesn’t have any friends and just rolls around in money when he goes home after school.’”
“‘Jensen was left back because he’s stupid,’” Jared laughed, shaking his head. “I’ve seen you in pre-calc, and I know that one’s not true.”
Jensen pulled up in front of Jared’s house and parked. He sat there with the car turned off, keys still in the ignition. He’d been fine up until that last remark, playing it cool and getting away with it. He’d been moving past it, actually enjoying himself. But hearing people talk about him being left back a year in school dug at him, got under his skin and burrowed into his chest, a dark, sad weight there.
“Jensen?” Jared asked quietly. Jensen could hear the fear in Jared’s tone, the thought that he’d said something wrong. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”
“No, no, it’s fine,” Jensen said, pulling the keys from the ignition. His hand shook a bit, and he cursed softly and rested his hands in his lap, looking down at them and then closing his eyes. “It’s not your fault, it’s…” Jared let him sit there for a moment before speaking again.
“It’s what?”
Jensen sighed, shaking his head and turning it to look out his window, away from Jared. “People just…They don’t know. And they don’t bother to find out. They fill in their own stories, because it’s what they’d rather do. They don’t wanna know the truth, because if they did, they might actually care. Not that I want their pity…”
He trailed off, looking back down at his hands. He could feel that his cheeks were red, realizing that he’d just started rambling off emotions, things he’d been keeping bottled up for far too long. He heard the click of Jared unbuckling his seatbelt, the whir of it slipping back into place. They sat together, Jensen still fighting against the things he’d already begun to let slip out. He could feel it all there, this terrible swell inside of him. His eyes welled up with it. He tried to focus on breathing. He didn’t want to do this. Not now, and not in front of Jared.
“D’you wanna talk about it?”
Jensen still sat there, waiting for it all to recede. He blinked the tears back, forcing himself to numb the pain and think positive, think strength. Whatever he thought, he could make himself feel it. He just needed time, those few minutes. What he felt when he succeeded wasn’t better, but the sort of hollow feeling he’d been carrying around beneath the surface for a long time now. Now he could talk about it.
“My mom died.” He said it emotionlessly, as if it were an automated response. He kept his gaze focused on the center of the steering wheel, doing his best to not see Jared’s reaction out of the corner of his eye. “She was sick. She got cancer, and I was the one who took care of her. Senior year barely existed for me, and then she got worse, and I just…stayed home with her. I helped her. And while everyone else was planning for their proms, I was planning a funeral.”
“Jensen, I’m sorry.” The words were almost whispered, pained. Jensen nodded absently in response to them. “What…What about your father?”
He knew what Jared was asking. He’d overheard other family members asking the same thing after the funeral, aunts and uncles he didn’t see very often. “He took care of her?” “Alan, that’s so much responsibility for a boy his age. What he must’ve gone through…”
“He was working,” Jensen answered in the same flat tone. “She was sick, and he was working, off somewhere filming some low-budget shorts. Said they were a great opportunity. She told him to take it. Really, he just…couldn’t handle it. We had hospice care at first, but I didn’t like the way they treated her, so I took over.” He paused, and Jared remained silent. “I had to call him when she died, tell him what happened. He just couldn’t deal with it. He came home, but he wasn’t really there, you know? I got most of the plans together, and he just wrote a check.”
“Jensen…” There was a long pause after that, and Jensen didn’t blame Jared for it. What could anybody say to all of that? “What…Why do you still listen to him? I mean…you said you’re doing what he wants you to do, right? But after that…”
Jensen heard that tone, that same tone that everyone had had following his mother’s funeral. It was anger and blame, frustration and rebellion. He’d felt the beginnings of those emotions, too; thought that maybe, somewhere deep down, he still felt them. But now, in this moment, he shook his head, denying all of it.
“He just couldn’t handle it,” he repeated. It was what he’d told himself almost every day since then. “He loved her. And I promised her. I promised her that I wouldn’t hate him for it, and that I’d stay with him. I promised her we’d still be a family.”
“Jensen…I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
“It’s alright,” Jensen said, sitting up a little straighter and finally looking over at Jared. He saw the strain in Jared’s expression, the sad, sympathetic eyes, and the lines of guilt that persisted there. “Nobody does. Except for you, now.”
Jared looked away and then back at him, his tone gentle, careful. “You still wanna come in?”
Jensen thought about it. About the times he’d spent at Jared’s house already, how he’d forget about everything and laugh, actually having fun. Then he thought about what it would be like to go to his own house, see his father, and feel lonely in the tense silence that pervaded the new place. That silence seemed like the only thing they’d carried with them from their old lives.
“Yeah,” Jensen said, attempting a smile, one that was almost apologetic. “Yeah, please. I’d like that.”
Part 3
Jared tried to avoid Jensen, even though he knew that he couldn’t. The guy was in his classes, in the same play. There was no getting around it. The only thing he could do was make sure to hurry out of the auditorium whenever rehearsals were over. He didn’t want to get stuck in another awkward sharing moment with Jensen. He kept trying to push the memory of that day away. He hated Jensen. He was supposed to. Jensen was standing in the way of his future as an actor. Jared had three points towards the Thespian Society so far this year. He could’ve had four, one more closer to seven, if Jensen hadn’t stolen the lead in the fall play. And then Jensen had the audacity to suggest that Jared needed his help in order to get the lead. The guy was his enemy.
And yet, Jared couldn’t forget the look on Jensen’s face, the tone of his voice. “You try telling him anything.” And why had Jensen even said anything to him, anyway? Jared deemed that whole conversation unnecessary. What was Jensen doing? It wasn’t as if Jensen had gained anything from it. What if Jensen was telling him the truth? What if Jensen was just trying? Maybe he was making an effort to be civil, extending himself in a gesture of peace. It was more then Jared had done.
Jared couldn’t shake that thought. And he couldn’t deny now that Jensen really was talented, even if Jared was a better Stanley Kowalski. They were cast as friends, which Jared expected to be something akin to torture. But he found that Jensen got just as lost in characters as he did, and the time they spent performing together was easy, smooth. He couldn’t believe he was thinking it, but he preferred acting alongside Jensen than he did the other drama students. It just worked, which sucked, because it almost meant that Jared had to admit defeat. Jensen came from the best drama program in the Northeast, and he was no slouch. Jared was going to lose.
The idea of losing was enough to keep that spark of anger towards Jensen lit inside of him. It was an awful contrast, respecting Jensen’s work ethic and hating it, feeling sympathy for Jensen and hating him. If anything, it made things worse. Jared had thought the initial hate was a terrible feeling, but this mix of emotions went far beyond that. He still maligned Jensen when talking about him with his friends, still laughed when other students picked on the new kid. And then he’d practically run from the auditorium at the end of the day, just so he wouldn’t have to hear any kind words from Jensen that were unwarranted.
“Guy can’t act for shit.”
Jared looked up at Riley and forced a grin. They’d just left school after practice, the two of them walking home until they’d have to part ways. “Damn straight.”
“Seriously, Jay, I can’t wait for you to squash him. Somebody has to. We have the one-act play competition after this, and if fuckin’ Jensen gets the lead and not you, he’s gonna regret it.”
Jared stopped walking. It would’ve been easy to ignore that statement, but Riley could be a bit unpredictable when someone managed to get on his bad side. He swallowed hard, his eyes on Riley’s questioning ones. “What do you mean by that?”
“Why do you care?” Riley asked, and Jared took a moment to compose himself, shrugging as he started walking again, trying to play it cool.
“Just don’t want anybody to get hurt, that’s all. It could cause more trouble than it’s worth.”
The subject was dropped after that, but Riley’s words were with Jared for the rest of the day, and into the next. He kept an eye on Riley in drama, and he could see the animosity Riley felt towards Jensen. He knew with a stark certainty that it was an animosity that he’d created, and that did nothing to help the guilt he kept suppressing. Sure, the students at Waterville were against Jensen either way, what with him being a favored outsider. But Jared had only made it worse, and he was sure that the sentiment was spreading amongst his friends. He told himself that he wouldn’t care so much if Riley hadn’t said what he did. He wouldn’t care so much if Riley hadn’t given him reason to worry.
Jared made a show of not having his things together at the end of the day and waved Riley on, even if the guy gave him a weird look before leaving. He was left alone with Jensen, and his stomach churned. This was something he’d been avoiding for some time now, and he could feel Jensen’s presence like a weight pushing him down to the floor.
“Nice job today,” Jensen said quietly, and Jared closed his eyes, pausing in the middle of shoving his books into his backpack. It figured that Jensen would compliment him at a time like this. Silence lingered between them, and Jared wouldn’t turn to look at Jensen until he heard the distinct sound of Jensen’s schoolbag being zippered up, the weight of it being hefted onto Jensen’s shoulder. He saw Jensen walk past him out of the corner of his eye. “I’ll see you later.”
“Wait!” Jensen paused, and Jared stood there with his heart hammering in his chest, nerves frayed. He wasn’t sure why he’d stopped Jensen, or why he’d even stayed alone with him here today. He just felt like he had to do something. “You, too,” he said, complimenting Jensen for the first time. It felt odd, almost wrong with how hard Jared had been fighting against Jensen and everything he stood for. It made him want to grit his teeth and cringe, turn away and forget this whole thing, to hell with what Riley said. But it was the truth, even if he struggled with it. “You’ve…been doing a really good job.”
Jensen stood there, unsure of himself, as if he was questioning whether or not Jared had really just said that. “Thanks,” he said finally, and it sounded so sincere that Jared hated Jensen and himself a little more for it. But it was a change, a start. Jared had finally made the same effort Jensen had. And he had to admit that, at least on some level, it felt good.
Jensen didn’t need anyone’s approval, so he shouldn’t have felt as relieved as he did to have Jared say something nice to him. But he guessed that was what happened when you ended up living like this, with everyone against you. One gesture, one compliment, and you felt a little like you were on top of the world. It was just a difference, finally a sort of acceptance, even if it did seem a little forced. It felt like it had been too long since someone had actually been nice to him, aside from the ass-kissing school staff. It made things easier for him, and time seemed to move a little faster than it had before. He started to think that maybe senior year at Waterville wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe it would be nice to have a friend here, instead of just coasting through until graduation.
It made him feel a little stupid, how much it pleased him to have Jared hang back more often after drama and rehearsals. He didn’t do it every day, sometimes hurrying off with Riley. But it became more and more frequent, the two of them packing up their schoolbags together after everyone else had left, sharing a few words, and then parting ways. He watched one day as Jared purposely took his time, waving Riley off.
“You were better than usual today,” Jared said, sitting in the seat beside the one his schoolbag was in while he shoved his things into it. Jensen looked over at Jared and caught a smile from him. It was small, but genuine, and Jensen thought that was the first time anyone at Waterville had smiled at him like that. It made him feel that much better. “I mean, you were angrier.” Jared laughed. “Kinda fierce. You do it that way the night of the show, and you’ll have everyone in town talking about you.”
Jensen snorted, even if he did appreciate the compliment; he’d never taken them very well. “Yeah, they’ll all think I’m a wife beater.”
Jared laughed again, and Jensen was smiling before he even realized it, forgetting about packing up and leaning back against the seats. It got quiet then, and Jensen felt how unsure Jared was still, how he still harbored something against Jensen and couldn’t decide whether or not they were friends or enemies.
“Hey, you do anything after school?” Jared asked suddenly, hands fumbling with each other nervously. “I mean, you have any place to be right now?”
Jensen swallowed and shook his head, wondering where this was going. “No. Just home.”
There were another few moments of silence, and then, “You wanna come over?” Jared shrugged, out of uncertainty and his obvious attempts to be nonchalant. “I don’t live far, I usually walk home.”
It was an invitation, and it threw Jensen off. It made him happy, but it also made him wary, because even if it would be nice to have a friend, being shunned made it easy for him to hide and stay safe. This…This was opening himself up to more. Whether it was more possibilities or more hatred, Jensen didn’t know. But both scared him. When he first came here, he hadn’t wanted to get too attached to anything. And now…
Jensen realized he had to answer, sooner rather than later, or else the prolonged hesitation would be offensive. And even if he knew what could happen, even if his mouth went dry and his stomach twisted a little inside of him, he found himself saying yes.
Jared walked out of the auditorium with Jensen, relieved to find that none of his friends were still hanging around outside. There was no one there to see them. He didn’t know what he’d do if Chad or anyone else called him to ask what he was up to, but he’d cross that bridge when he came to it. For now, he had Jensen to deal with. Part of him couldn’t believe he was doing this, but there was a bigger part of him that wanted to. He still felt guilt nagging at him inside, still felt some resistance to Jensen, but maybe Jensen wasn’t actually all that bad.
“It’s, uh…It’s this way,” Jared said awkwardly, nodding to the right. He’d almost forgotten that Jensen usually turned to the left whenever they left the school, but he guessed he didn’t take too much notice of Jensen once they were off school property. Jensen nodded at him silently, and Jared turned and started walking.
“Wait!” Jared stopped and turned around at Jensen’s call, hands tucked into the straps of his backpack, Jensen a few steps behind him. He waited for Jensen to speak again, saw some sort of struggle in Jensen’s expression, and he wondered if Jensen had changed his mind. He wondered if maybe Jensen had realized what a jerk he’d been up until now, and if maybe Jensen hated him just as much as he- “I, uh…I drive here.”
Jared stared, the thoughts firing off in his brain suddenly ceasing. Jensen shrugged sheepishly and attempted a smile. “But…you always walk away when we leave,” Jared said slowly. “You never head for the parking lot. Nobody’s ever seen you…” He trailed off, then, his cheeks reddening just a little, because he was admitting to everyone gossiping about Jensen behind his back.
“I don’t park it here,” Jensen replied, shrugging again. “We could walk to my car? I’ll take us to your place, and then I can drive myself home.”
“Yeah.” Jared nodded, his brain still trying to catch up. “Yeah, sure. No problem.”
They walked around the corner and a few blocks over in silence, and it was a quiet that Jared was debating breaking, simply to ask Jensen why he didn’t park at the school. It didn’t seem to make sense. He frowned, his gaze more on the pavement and the steady gait of Jensen’s sneakers in front of him than anything else. Then he heard the chirp of an unlocked car. His eyes traveled up to Jensen’s extended arm, the keys in Jensen’s hand, and then to the car, lights flashing in response to the push of a button.
“Holy shit.” Jared’s voice was quiet, almost a whisper. He stopped walking, standing and staring dumbly, in awe of the car that Jensen was anxiously standing next to, hand on the handle of the driver’s side door. Jared looked at Jensen and back at the car again, laughing with a sudden burst of excitement. “Holy shit!” Jensen looked away and Jared finally moved, circling the car as he gaped at it, grinning wide. “This is a fuckin’ Corvette,” he said, catching sight of himself in the shiny red exterior. “Brand fuckin’ new!” He laughed again, unable to stop himself, reaching his hand out over the hood of the car, but not actually touching it. “Jensen, are you fucking kidding me?”
“My dad got it for me.”
“Fuckin’ sweet!”
“Yeah, I’m the rich kid.”
Jared hadn’t noticed the difference in Jensen’s voice at first, but he did now. It was harder, a little defensive. Jared looked up at him, his smile slowly fading, attention taken from the car. Jensen looked down at the keys in his hand before looking back at Jared, his eyes cold, expression tight and expectant, waiting for Jared to say something else. Jared shifted under Jensen’s gaze, taken aback by Jensen’s attitude and not knowing what to say. They stood like that for a moment, and then Jensen’s expression softened and his gaze fell. He gave a bitter laugh, and Jared couldn’t figure out for the life of him what was wrong.
“It’s fuckin’ embarrassing, you know?” Jensen said finally, leaning on the top of the car and looking over at Jared. “It’s bad enough walking into a place knowing that people are gonna hate you, but to pull up in this? I couldn’t do it. I’d practically be hanged for it. I tried telling my dad that, but he…”
Jared watched Jensen as he trailed off, his guilt coming back full force. He remembered then that if this were just a few weeks ago, he would hate Jensen for having this car, too. It would be one more thing to Jensen’s advantage, one more thing for this spoiled rich kid to have in his possession. One more thing Jensen had that Jared didn’t. He hated the way his mind hinted at jealousy and wouldn’t allow it to move any further in that direction. He wasn’t jealous. He’d had his reasons for hating Jensen, and they’d been valid. Hadn’t they?
He stood there, wondering how he hadn’t thought of things the way Jensen had. He’d been blinded by the car, the thing of beauty just beneath his fingertips. It was something anyone would kill to have, and Jensen was ashamed of it enough to go out of his way to park it where other students either wouldn’t see it or wouldn’t associate it with him.
“It’s a really nice car,” Jared said, perking up at the thought that he was going to get to ride in it. He smiled, ignoring Jensen’s confusion at the joyous look. “Show me how it runs?”
Jensen got it then and smiled back, nodding and opening the door, settling into the driver’s seat.
It was a short drive, but it was the first time Jensen had managed to enjoy the car his father had given him as consolation for having to leave everything in Hyannis behind. It was different, having Jared there with him to laugh and put the top down, to grin at the sound of the engine and the perfect smoothness of the ride. He’d even let Jared turn the radio on and laughed when Jared started singing along, blissfully off-key.
“Yeah, I’m not the best singer,” Jared said when Jensen parked and turned the car off, still laughing. “Kinda makes it difficult to get anywhere in the spring musical.”
Jensen grinned. “We can work on that.” He hesitated before getting out of the car, realizing that he’d just insinuated that he and Jared would actually be hanging out together again after today. Jared just nodded and bounced out of the car, shutting the door as if he were handling something made of glass.
“Man, this thing is amazing! I can’t believe you’ve been hidin’ her away!”
“Her?” Jensen asked, climbing out of the car and moving to stand beside Jared on the sidewalk.
“Yeah!” Jared answered, gesturing towards the Corvette excitedly. “It’s always a her. Come on, don’t tell me you haven’t named her yet?”
Jensen rubbed at the back of his neck as he shoved his keys in his pocket. “Well, I haven’t really been much attached to her since I got her.” He shrugged, smiling at Jared. “Guess she still needs a name.”
“Dude!” Jared laughed again, and Jensen joined in a little, even if he didn’t know the reason for it. “You totally have a Little Red Corvette. Last day of school, you should just drive around the school with the top down, blasting that song and giving everybody the finger.”
“Somehow, I don’t think that would go over too well,” Jensen said, enjoying this side of Jared. “But what a dream!”
Jared clapped a hand on Jensen’s shoulder, the first real contact they’d had so far, and turned towards the house. “Come on, let’s go inside.”
Jensen followed Jared into the Colonial-style house, thinking it was warm and cozy. It was nice, and it felt like a home, rather than his own big, empty house. He thought it was something he probably wouldn’t have associated with Jared in the beginning, but now it made sense. Jared’s little sister met them just inside the door, and Jensen felt that this place was made for a nice family. He ignored the hurt caused by that thought as well as he could, swallowing it down and smiling at the girl in front of him.
“This is my little sister, Megan,” Jared said, ruffling her hair. She pushed him away in annoyance. “Meg, this is Jensen.”
“Oh.” Megan stopped and stared at Jensen, nodding when he greeted her. “Hi,” she said back, and then her eyes wandered to Jared. “I thought Jensen was the one you didn’t li-”
“Megan.” Jared’s sharp answer was enough to make her close her mouth and shrug with indifference, smiling back at Jensen properly.
“Nice to meet you, Jensen!”
“Nice to meet you,” Jensen said, amused by the slightly horrified look on Jared’s face and the casual expression on Megan’s. He tilted his head as he looked at her, regarding her playfully. “How old are you, sixteen?”
Megan’s smile turned into a grin, and she blushed a little, eyes dropping shyly. “Thirteen,” she answered quietly. “Almost.” She looked back and forth between Jared and Jensen and then giggled and excused herself, hurrying up the stairs to her room.
“Dude, that’s my little sister,” Jared said when he heard her bedroom door close. He was smirking as Jensen chuckled and shrugged, and then the smirk faded. “Sorry about that,” he murmured, and Jensen remembered Megan’s little slip just a minute ago.
“Don’t worry about it.” He smiled and waved it off, like it was nothing. It wasn’t quite nothing, but he figured he could live with it. He’d been enjoying himself too much today to let it get him down. “That was then, this is now.”
“Yeah.” Jared smiled at him again, relieved. “You play Wii?”
Jensen shook his head. “Not much. At least, not for a pretty long time. I probably wouldn’t be very good at it.”
Jared grinned. “We can work on that.”
It was unavoidable. After the invitation, the car ride, and the time spent schooling Jensen in Wii (something Jared never got to do with Chad), it was obvious that Jared’s friends would find out about his new attitude towards Jensen. He didn’t want them to, but it was simple. Right from that first moment when Jensen walked into pre-calc, smiled, and actually said hi to Jared as he sat down, Chad knew. Jared returned the greeting, and Chad stared, incredulous.
“What the fuck is this?” Chad whispered harshly, and Jared shushed him.
“I’ll tell you later,” he whispered back, hoping Jensen either couldn’t hear them or wasn’t paying attention to what they were saying.
Later came too soon. When Jared’s lunch period rolled around, he felt oddly like he’d just made it to school. It wasn’t supposed to happen this quickly. He walked a little slower to the cafeteria than usual, telling himself that he had to be a man and face this. It was the only thing he could do. It wasn’t as if he could skip lunch for the rest of the year or avoid his friends. He got his food first, and when he got to the table, all eyes were on him. He muttered a greeting, set his tray of food down, dropped his backpack, and then slumped into his seat.
“…Well?” Chad said eventually.
Jared looked up at him with wide, innocent eyes. “What?”
Chad rolled his eyes. “It’s later, douchebag. What’s with you and Jensen?”
“Maybe he finally decided to stop being a douchebag and be nice to the kid,” Danneel said, glaring at Chad. “What’s so wrong with that?”
“What’s wrong with it is Jensen’s an asshole, and he’s our fuckin’ enemy!” Riley exclaimed. Danneel huffed at Riley’s attitude and leaned back in her seat, arms crossed over her chest.
“Well, I guess you should know,” Genevieve spoke up, idly pushing her food around her plate. “You’d be an expert on assholes, wouldn’t you Riley?”
“Hey!” Jared interrupted when Riley’s face went red and his mouth opened, looking as if he had a few choice words for Genevieve. Everyone turned to Jared, and he swallowed, making an effort to keep himself calm. He could do this. He was an actor, after all. “Look, it’s not like I’m really friends with him, anyways. I was nice to him, and he came over yesterday, that’s all.”
Sandy cocked an eyebrow at him. “How does that not make you friends with him?”
Chad snapped his fingers and pointed at Jared, his eyes lit up, a smirk forming on his lips. “I get it!” he said triumphantly, and Jared smiled back at him, even if he didn’t know what Chad was about to say. He could always pretend that he did. Chad laughed and nudged Riley. “Come on, our boy’s smarter than that! It’s classic! That whole, ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer,’ kinda thing.” Jared felt something ugly inside him, something telling him that this was wrong, but he grinned anyway. Riley looked doubtful. “Be nice to the kid!” Chad continued. “Invite him over! Make him feel like a pal, and then maybe he won’t be so keen on hogging all the star performances, right? Not if he likes you.”
“Damn straight.” Jared said it with conviction, knew that he had to, and the guys looked much more at ease than the girls did. The girls looked at him with sad expressions, maybe even a little angry. “What?” The bell rang, and Sandy stood up first.
“I really thought you had more class than that, Jared.”
Jared wasn’t sure what was worse, that he’d lied so meanly or that he was relieved to be off the hook with the guys. He pushed it away, as he’d been pushing a lot of things away lately. He wouldn’t dwell on it if he didn’t have to, especially if it made his life easier.
Riley left him alone in the auditorium with Jensen again, without doubt or suspicion. Riley understood, regardless of whether what he understood was the truth or not. That was all that mattered. Jared didn’t have to think about it. He could just turn to Jensen now and smile, with no one there to question him.
“You wanna come over again?”
Jensen smiled back. “Sure. Of course you know this means riding in my old lemon again.”
Jared laughed. “You call her a lemon one more time, and I think God might strike you down.”
Days passed, and Jensen’s mood improved, even if he was cautiously optimistic. It felt good to have someone to talk to in school again, someone to hang out with after class. He felt normal again, for the first time in…he didn’t know how long. He just wondered how the others were reacting to the sudden turnaround in Jared’s behavior.
“Your friends okay with this?” he asked one day, trying to sound cool about it after he and Jared had left the auditorium and were walking to Jensen’s car. He smirked a little, just to take the edge off. “I mean, wasn’t too long ago you all hated me.”
“They’re fine,” Jared said quickly, a look of guilt passing over his face. It was gone in seconds. “Look, man, it was all just a misunderstand-”
“Hey, don’t worry about it.” Jensen cut him off, smiling and unlocking the car. “I was just curious, you know?” He opened the door and got in, Jared mirroring his actions. “It’s just…they’ve been nicer.”
It was true. Chad had actually started greeting him in class, too, even speaking to him in full sentences. Riley was less talkative, but still acknowledged Jensen without his eyes burning holes through Jensen’s body.
Jared fidgeted at the comment, staring ahead, out the windshield. “Isn’t that a good thing?” he asked.
“Yeah.” Jensen started the car up and pulled away from the curb, heading for Jared’s house. “Yeah, sure it is. I mean, it’s good for me.” They were silent for a bit, Jared not even moving to turn the radio on for once. It felt tense, and then Jensen found himself saying something that he didn’t want to, knowing that he was showing vulnerability. But he couldn’t deny that Jared had changed things for him. “Thanks.”
Jared’s head turned towards him in surprise and then turned away again. “No problem.”
“I don’t know what you said to them.” Jensen continued on, filling the silence in the car. He laughed a little bitterly. “I gotta say, I couldn’t blame them, or you, for not being fans of ‘the new kid.’ I know what it’s been like, and why. I knew how it would be from the beginning. All the rumors.”
Jared looked at him again. “You’ve heard them?”
“Yeah.” Jensen laughed, lighter this time, knowing he had to make a joke out of it all in order to survive here. “Apparently, I’ve bribed the entire school staff to favor me and make me look good.” He grinned over at Jared, and then turned his eyes back to the road. “I’m pretty sure some people think I blew Kripke for his undying devotion to me.”
Jared laughed then, partly out of shock and partly in sharing Jensen’s amusement. It felt good to laugh with someone else about it. “No way!”
“Oh, yeah.” Jensen was still grinning as he turned onto Jared’s block. “Come on, I’m sure you’ve heard some good ones. ‘Jensen can’t act. Jensen bribes people to make him look good. Jensen doesn’t have any friends and just rolls around in money when he goes home after school.’”
“‘Jensen was left back because he’s stupid,’” Jared laughed, shaking his head. “I’ve seen you in pre-calc, and I know that one’s not true.”
Jensen pulled up in front of Jared’s house and parked. He sat there with the car turned off, keys still in the ignition. He’d been fine up until that last remark, playing it cool and getting away with it. He’d been moving past it, actually enjoying himself. But hearing people talk about him being left back a year in school dug at him, got under his skin and burrowed into his chest, a dark, sad weight there.
“Jensen?” Jared asked quietly. Jensen could hear the fear in Jared’s tone, the thought that he’d said something wrong. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”
“No, no, it’s fine,” Jensen said, pulling the keys from the ignition. His hand shook a bit, and he cursed softly and rested his hands in his lap, looking down at them and then closing his eyes. “It’s not your fault, it’s…” Jared let him sit there for a moment before speaking again.
“It’s what?”
Jensen sighed, shaking his head and turning it to look out his window, away from Jared. “People just…They don’t know. And they don’t bother to find out. They fill in their own stories, because it’s what they’d rather do. They don’t wanna know the truth, because if they did, they might actually care. Not that I want their pity…”
He trailed off, looking back down at his hands. He could feel that his cheeks were red, realizing that he’d just started rambling off emotions, things he’d been keeping bottled up for far too long. He heard the click of Jared unbuckling his seatbelt, the whir of it slipping back into place. They sat together, Jensen still fighting against the things he’d already begun to let slip out. He could feel it all there, this terrible swell inside of him. His eyes welled up with it. He tried to focus on breathing. He didn’t want to do this. Not now, and not in front of Jared.
“D’you wanna talk about it?”
Jensen still sat there, waiting for it all to recede. He blinked the tears back, forcing himself to numb the pain and think positive, think strength. Whatever he thought, he could make himself feel it. He just needed time, those few minutes. What he felt when he succeeded wasn’t better, but the sort of hollow feeling he’d been carrying around beneath the surface for a long time now. Now he could talk about it.
“My mom died.” He said it emotionlessly, as if it were an automated response. He kept his gaze focused on the center of the steering wheel, doing his best to not see Jared’s reaction out of the corner of his eye. “She was sick. She got cancer, and I was the one who took care of her. Senior year barely existed for me, and then she got worse, and I just…stayed home with her. I helped her. And while everyone else was planning for their proms, I was planning a funeral.”
“Jensen, I’m sorry.” The words were almost whispered, pained. Jensen nodded absently in response to them. “What…What about your father?”
He knew what Jared was asking. He’d overheard other family members asking the same thing after the funeral, aunts and uncles he didn’t see very often. “He took care of her?” “Alan, that’s so much responsibility for a boy his age. What he must’ve gone through…”
“He was working,” Jensen answered in the same flat tone. “She was sick, and he was working, off somewhere filming some low-budget shorts. Said they were a great opportunity. She told him to take it. Really, he just…couldn’t handle it. We had hospice care at first, but I didn’t like the way they treated her, so I took over.” He paused, and Jared remained silent. “I had to call him when she died, tell him what happened. He just couldn’t deal with it. He came home, but he wasn’t really there, you know? I got most of the plans together, and he just wrote a check.”
“Jensen…” There was a long pause after that, and Jensen didn’t blame Jared for it. What could anybody say to all of that? “What…Why do you still listen to him? I mean…you said you’re doing what he wants you to do, right? But after that…”
Jensen heard that tone, that same tone that everyone had had following his mother’s funeral. It was anger and blame, frustration and rebellion. He’d felt the beginnings of those emotions, too; thought that maybe, somewhere deep down, he still felt them. But now, in this moment, he shook his head, denying all of it.
“He just couldn’t handle it,” he repeated. It was what he’d told himself almost every day since then. “He loved her. And I promised her. I promised her that I wouldn’t hate him for it, and that I’d stay with him. I promised her we’d still be a family.”
“Jensen…I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
“It’s alright,” Jensen said, sitting up a little straighter and finally looking over at Jared. He saw the strain in Jared’s expression, the sad, sympathetic eyes, and the lines of guilt that persisted there. “Nobody does. Except for you, now.”
Jared looked away and then back at him, his tone gentle, careful. “You still wanna come in?”
Jensen thought about it. About the times he’d spent at Jared’s house already, how he’d forget about everything and laugh, actually having fun. Then he thought about what it would be like to go to his own house, see his father, and feel lonely in the tense silence that pervaded the new place. That silence seemed like the only thing they’d carried with them from their old lives.
“Yeah,” Jensen said, attempting a smile, one that was almost apologetic. “Yeah, please. I’d like that.”
Part 3