Try, Part 4
Part 3
“Does anyone know where Jensen is?”
Jared heard Singer asking the question, but he didn’t respond. He knew that Jensen had left, but he didn’t know where Jensen was, and the last thing he needed to do was rat Jensen out for skipping school, especially when he was the reason. He sat staring at the empty seat in front of him, saw Singer watching him out of the corner of his eye. Singer had seen he and Jensen grow closer as friends, and he’d suspect that Jared knew something. But he didn’t pry. Jared supposed he should feel grateful for that, but he didn’t.
He sat there thinking about what had happened, the hushed meeting with Chad, the drop of his stomach at the sound of the door at the top of the staircase slamming. The sight of Jensen running from him tore at him, and he felt like he should’ve run after Jensen, caught up to him and apologized, told him the truth. Then again, maybe he didn’t even deserve the opportunity.
Jared ached inside, deep down, everywhere. He hadn’t seen Jensen’s face that morning, but he could still picture it in his mind. He knew the look he would’ve seen there, and he hated it, hated himself for it. Chad had immediately stopped questioning him about Jensen when Jared turned back to him after watching Jensen run away. Jared didn’t know if that meant that Chad could see the truth or not, but he almost wished that Chad didn’t suddenly look at him with a certain kind of sympathy. He wished Chad would keep yelling at him, keep telling him what an awful person he was. God, he missed Jensen.
It was fear. Jared was a coward. He’d been lying to his friends all this time about how he really felt when it came to Jensen, and he didn’t have the courage to stand up and admit it now. His answer to Chad’s question had been that of a frightened adolescent trying to save face. He supposed it made things more difficult that this involved Jensen, another guy, and that he didn’t know what kind of ridicule he’d face if he owned up to what he’d felt and willingly done the week before. He was still scared. And he already knew word was traveling fast around the school, and that Jensen, who was already disliked by the student body as a whole, would now have rumors floating around about him and his sexual preferences.
Chad reached over and nudged Jared, gently nodding down to his schoolbag, silently telling him to get his books out. Jared stared down at the bag by his feet and then up at the blackboard. He looked around the classroom. Everyone else was flipping pages and taking notes, like this was just an ordinary day. It wasn’t for Jared.
“Something wrong, Mr. Padalecki?”
Jared looked up at Singer, who was staring at him again. He glanced at Chad and cleared his throat. “Mr. Singer, I don’t feel so good. I think I need to go the nurse.”
Singer nodded, his voice a little softer when he spoke again. “Alright, Jared, go ahead.”
Jared complained of an upset stomach, the nurse agreeing to call his mother and send him home. Jared sat silently through his mother’s concerned prodding, and then got in her car to go home. He was used to riding home in Jensen’s car. He stared out the window, aware of the growing silence and the looks his mother kept shooting at him.
“You’re not really sick, are you, Jared?” She sounded suspicious, but still concerned. She knew something was wrong.
“No,” he admitted, tired of lying.
She parked the car in front of the house and touched a hand to his shoulder. “You can tell me all about it when we get inside.”
She said it as if it was a suggestion. Jared knew better.
The school had called Jensen’s house to find out where he was. Jensen called his father and asked him to call them back, tell them that he’d driven to school only to find himself sick, and then took himself back home. It had worked.
Now, Jensen was driving to school again, heading for his usual parking spot, still dreading walking into Waterville, and wondering if he should just forget about graduating high school altogether. But he knew what that would mean, and he knew how his father would react. He had to go. He had to stand up to this and face it, even if it made him sick to think about it.
Jared was standing on the sidewalk when Jensen pulled up. Jensen almost pulled away, turned around, and went back home. He almost didn’t get out of the car. But he went through the motions, picking up his schoolbag, opening the door, and getting out, not looking Jared in the eye.
“Jensen,” Jared started. Jensen closed and locked the door and started walking. “Hey, Jensen, please!” Jared hurried to catch up and keep pace with him. Jensen couldn’t look at him, didn’t want to. “Jensen, please, I just wanna tell you the truth!”
“The truth?!” The words were out of Jensen’s mouth before he could stop them, anger flashing through his body, and he flung his schoolbag down to the ground. He looked at Jared then, saw Jared’s stunned and sad expression. It only fueled the anger he felt, the betrayal. “What, that you hate me? That you were just using me and letting me get you off? How would I even know what the truth is from you, Jared? Why would I ever believe you?”
Jared stood silently for a moment, a guilty slump to his shoulders. “I don’t know,” he said quietly. “Jensen, I don’t know. You don’t have to believe me, I just…I just wanna say it.”
Jensen told himself he should walk away, that he should ignore Jared’s pleading, tearful eyes, but he stood still and waited.
“It’s true, alright? I started out hating you.” Jared shifted uncomfortably. “I talked about you to my friends, said some really horrible things about you. I thought you were just in the way, but then you talked to me. And you showed me how talented you really were, and how…how nice you really were. I liked you.” Jared looked down at his feet in shame, swallowing hard. “But I couldn’t admit that to my friends. I guess I didn’t even wanna admit to myself at first, you know? So I let them believe I was just using you and pretending to be your friend.” He looked up at Jensen, speaking in earnest. “But Jensen, I really did care about you. I don’t know how I can prove that, but I did. I still do. You’re my best friend. And what…what happened between us last week…I liked it. I wanted it to happen.”
Jensen scoffed and looked away, shaking his head, even if his heart was aching to believe Jared. “You sure about that?”
“Yeah.” Jared nodded. “Yeah, absolutely. I just…I was afraid. When Chad asked me…I’m sorry. I’m a coward,” he said, his tone self-deprecating. “And I’m so sorry, Jensen. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’d give anything to take it all back.”
Jensen stood, looking anywhere but at Jared. “Auditions for the musical are this week, right?”
There was a pause. “Yeah…”
“Well.” Jensen reached down and picked his backpack up, slinging it over his shoulder, still hurt and angry, ignoring the feelings that got him in trouble in the first place. “You won’t have to worry about me being in your way.” He turned and started walking, this decision coming to him just now. He was tired, tired of trying so hard to be what everyone expected him to be. He could still graduate, still get his diploma, because it was good for him. As for the rest of it? He didn’t care anymore. “I won’t be auditioning.”
He left Jared there, ignoring him the rest of the way to school, aware of the fact that Jared walked behind him at a respectable distance. He sat through his classes the way he had when he’d first arrived at Waterville, just there to do his work and get good grades, ignoring the way the other students looked at him. He heard the talk, he knew the rumors, and he heard the slurs now spoken about him. He didn’t care. All he had to do was pass and graduate, and then he could move on, away from Waterville and all its bad memories.
Lunch was quiet that day. Jared’s friends looked at him a lot differently than they used to.
“It’s not that bad,” Riley said suddenly, breaking the silence. “I mean, they’re talking about Jensen, not you. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
“Fuck you, Riley,” Chad spat, getting the words out before Jared could. Jared closed his opened mouth, looking over at Chad in surprise. “Don’t act like you’re his fuckin’ pal, now.”
“Don’t,” Genevieve said when Riley opened his mouth again, her eyes narrowed at him. “Just don’t.”
They sat there for a few more minutes before Jared finally spoke. “He said he’s not auditioning for the musical this week.” He couldn’t get those words out of his head. He couldn’t get over how wrong they sounded.
Sandy looked over at him, caring but firm. “With all due respect, Jared, that’s what you wanted in the first place.”
Jared stared down at the food he hadn’t touched. “I don’t want it now.”
He didn’t try to catch Jensen after drama, but he knew that he was pushing his luck the next morning when he stood by Jensen’s parking spot again. Jensen got out in the same fashion as the day before, rushed and not even sparing Jared a second glance. Just like the day before, Jared hurried alongside him, speaking quickly.
“Jensen, I know you already listened to me once, and I can’t expect you to do it again, but please, just hear me out, now, please.” He grabbed Jensen’s arm, and Jensen turned quickly, his muscles tense. Jared shrank back, almost expecting Jensen to hit him before a controlled look came over Jensen’s face. He held his hands up in peace. “Look, what you said yesterday about not auditioning? I know you said that you don’t really wanna do this. That it’s all your dad pushing you. But you’re good at what you do. I’ve watched you, I’ve worked with you, and I’ve seen the look in your eyes when you’re performing.” He took a breath, wondering just how far out of line he was going. “I think it’s helping you. I think it’s a way for you to let out whatever you’ve been feeling since your mom died.”
Jensen looked at him then, making eye contact, and Jared saw pain running deep. He wanted to hug Jensen but knew that he couldn’t. All he could do was this.
“Look, I wasn’t lying when I said you didn’t need Kripke’s favor to get the lead in a play. You’re amazing, Jensen.” He stood, breathing, fighting the emotion that suddenly came on, his hands shaking as he pleaded with Jensen. “And I’ve fucked things up enough for you this year. Don’t let me ruin this, too.”
They stood staring at each other, Jared still shaking, Jensen’s eyes still wide and pained. Then Jensen looked away and slowly started walking. Jared let out a shaky breath and followed, leaving a good distance between them.
Jensen thought about what Jared said. He tried telling himself that Jared didn’t matter now, that Jared had hurt and betrayed him and wasn’t to be trusted. But Jared’s voice and expression were caught in his mind, and he just couldn’t shake it off. He thought about it, and he felt scared, because Jared was right. Jared was right about something he hadn’t even realized about himself. He’d hated being forced into acting, but then he’d used that hate to fuel him. He’d felt broken, like he was just carrying out his parents’ wishes, and he’d used that, too. And now…he sat, thinking about what he’d been through and trying to push the emotion away, thinking about the musical, and how it would help him, thinking about everything he could pour into a character on stage instead of dealing with it on his own. Acting had become his escape. He needed it, craved it, and he couldn’t let Jared take it from him now.
The spring musical was Jekyll & Hyde. Although Jensen bitterly thought that the lead was a role fit for Jared, he auditioned for it. He watched Jared audition, too, watched him use the voice that Jensen gave him. It wasn’t perfect, but it was good enough; good enough to play John Utterson, Jekyll’s best friend. Jensen got the lead, and, for the first time, he felt a sense of pride in doing so.
He saw the looks the other drama students gave him, and he didn’t care. He’d earned this. He saw Jared’s tentative smile and accepted it, but didn’t smile back. He saw Riley’s hateful glare and just walked on by, getting his things together and leaving the auditorium, heading for his car.
This was it. Jared had thought he’d be happy to have those final two points to get into the Thespian Society. Instead, the only thing he was happy about was that Jensen had still auditioned and gotten the lead. Aside from that, nothing mattered. The things that he’d wanted so badly at the start of the year suddenly held no meaning. He cared more about Jensen than going to a banquet and getting some awards at graduation. He guessed that was how he should’ve been in the first place, caring more about a person than some useless piece of paper declaring him a passable actor. He smiled at Jensen after the audition, not expecting a smile back, but still feeling the sting when Jensen merely looked away. It was okay. He deserved it. He’d been the biggest jerk he knew at school this year.
Then he noticed Riley. He’d seen Riley look at Jensen with hatred in his eyes before, but there was something about it that day that made it different. There was something about it that scared Jared.
Jensen left quickly, the way he’d been doing lately, walking out the doors of the auditorium and onto the street, on his way to his car. Jared watched as Riley got up and headed for the doors, too. He watched as Riley leaned out the doors, and Jared saw other students outside, his breath catching in his throat. There was a group of them, and he knew them. Well, it was better to say that he knew of them. They were the type that Jared and his friends had always steered clear of; the type to start trouble for no apparent reason, even if it meant hurting somebody. He watched as Riley walked out with them, and then Jared moved to grab his backpack and run after them.
“Jared!” Kripke slapped a hand down on his shoulder, grinning wide. “That was unexpected today! Looks like you finally found your voice. How’d you learn to sing like that?”
“Jensen,” Jared said absently, itching to pull away.
“Ah, Jensen.” Kripke smiled fondly and shook his head. “That kid’s amazing, isn’t he?”
“Yeah.” Jared nodded and started backing away, excusing himself. “Yeah, he is. Listen, Mr. Kripke, I have to go, but, um…thanks!” He hurried to the door and opened it, looking around and seeing no one. Then he cursed and started running in the direction of Jensen’s car.
It was troubling, the feeling of being followed. But every time Jensen looked around, he didn’t see anyone, or anybody targeting him, anyway. He walked faster, pulling his keys out as he neared his car, wanting to jump in and get the hell out of here.
Jensen’s keys were suddenly knocked out of his hand, and he was grabbed from behind, spun around, and shoved back into his car. His backpack hit the frame, and he nearly fell forward as he bounced off the car, holding his hands out to steady himself. His heart was already beating wildly as he tried to catch his breath from the shock, and he straightened, looking up into faces that were suddenly surrounding him, faces he didn’t know…and one he did.
“Hey, Jensen,” Riley said, purposely polite. “How’s it goin’? You did real good at the auditions today. Scored yourself another lead, didn’t you?”
“Look, Riley, I don’t want any trouble.” Jensen held his hands up higher, trying not to show the fear creeping up on him. It wasn’t as if he stood a chance among the lot of them. There were five. He was one person.
“Then you shouldn’t have fucking come here!” Riley snarled, revealing his anger. Then he laughed, shaking it off. “But it’s okay. Water under the bridge, right?” Jensen watched as Riley turned to one of the other guys, gesturing to him. The guy pulled his hands out from behind his back, producing a baseball bat, and Riley took it. Jensen’s fear skyrocketed, his eyes widening. “This your car?” Riley asked casually, walking over to the front of it, by the headlights. He smiled after he looked at it, nodding. “It’s nice!” Riley raised the bat, and Jensen flinched at the sound of a headlight shattering, feeling an odd sense of sadness for the car he’d cared nothing about before he’d showed it to Jared. Riley laughed. “Aw, sorry, man. Must’ve slipped!”
Jensen turned towards Riley, hands still up in the air. “Riley, please-”
Jensen was suddenly grabbed and shoved back up against the car, a large fist connecting with his stomach. He doubled over, unable to breathe, his schoolbag weighing him down, and he put his hands out to catch himself on the pavement, palms scraping along the cement. Hands gripped his backpack and yanked him upright, and he gasped at the pain of standing up straight, his hands stinging and eyes watering. He looked over at Riley, who was raising the bat again, aiming for the car’s windshield, and then he turned back and saw one of the other guys in front of him, wielding another baseball bat.
“Riley, you son of a bitch!”
Jensen heard the voice and turned his head, along with everyone else, glad for the momentary distraction. “Jared,” he breathed, relief flooding his system.
Jared ran up behind Riley and shoved him away from the car, yanking the bat from his hands and tossing it out into the street. He looked angry, more than Jensen had ever seen him, even back when Jared had hated him for no good reason. Then Jared turned to him, saw him being held up by a few guys while another stood in front of him, baseball bat still raised, and that anger turned to fear.
“No!” Jared shouted, worming his way between Jensen and the raised weapon. Jared’s hands were held up, much like Jensen’s had been. “No, please, don’t do this!” He gestured to Riley, who was just picking himself up off of the ground and glaring at Jared. “Whatever he told you, it isn’t true. Or if it is, it doesn’t matter anymore. Just…please, you don’t have to hurt him!”
“Oh, come on, Jared!” Riley made his way over to Jared and the paused action, arms spread wide. “You gotta be kidding me!” He pointed to Jensen. “This guy ruined everything! He took so much away from you just because he’s the spoiled fucking rich kid, and he fucked up our friendship on top of that! Don’t tell me you’re still defending this fag!”
Jensen tensed at the word, his stomach and hands throbbing with pain. He couldn’t see past Jared in front of him, and he wondered if there was still a baseball bat aimed at both of them.
“Maybe I’m a fag, too.”
Jared’s voice was quiet, but it was sure, steady. Jensen couldn’t believe his ears. He couldn’t believe that Jared was saying it, here, now. He stared at the back of Jared’s head, stunned.
“What?” Riley asked, just as stunned, his arms dropping.
“You heard me,” Jared answered, his voice rising, gaining confidence. “I said, ‘I’m a fag, too!’ What are you gonna do, Riley? Huh? You gonna have your new friends beat the shit outta me, too? Thought you were all broken up about how we never hung out anymore?”
Jensen heard Riley take a hesitant breath and then say, “Jesus, Jared…”
“What?” Jared’s hands lowered, and he stood up a little straighter. “‘Jesus,’ what? It’s the truth.” Jensen watched in awe as Jared moved, yanking the bat out of the other guy’s hands and tossing that one out into the street, too, the two of them clanking together. “Go home, Riley.” Jared looked around at the others. “All of you just go home. Leave us alone.”
To Jensen’s surprise, Riley nodded at the kid who’d just been ready to bash him with a baseball bat, and the three who were holding him let go, the pressure off his arms and back. He heard Riley mutter an “unbelievable” under his breath, and he watched the group walk away, dimly aware of the pain he was still in. He turned to Jared, who suddenly bent over, trembling hand running over his face, his expression suddenly betraying how scared he actually was in that moment, the angry, confident voice forgotten.
“Jesus,” Jared whispered, straightening up again. “Are you alright?” Jensen hadn’t even answered yet before Jared barked out a laugh and walked a small circle, his hand passing over his face again. “Fuck, we could’ve been killed.”
“Thanks.” Jensen saw Jared pause when he said the word, and then he caught sight of his keys on the pavement and bent to pick them up, unlocking his car and turning towards it, butterflies flitting around his bruised stomach.
“Whoa, wait, wait!” Jensen closed his eyes when Jared’s hand reached past him to close the door that he’d begun to open. “That’s it?” Jared laughed again, incredulous. “That’s it. We just almost died, and you’re just gonna say thanks and walk away?” Jensen didn’t answer, and Jared scoffed. “You wanna give me a real reason to hate you?”
Jensen turned around, his eyes searching Jared’s. “Do you?”
Jared took a moment to comprehend the question and then gaped at Jensen. “Are you fucking kidding me? Of course not, Jensen, I love you!” There was a brief hesitation where Jensen’s ears perked up, and then they both ignored the implications of what had just been said. “You think I’d do this for someone I hated?”
Anger suddenly flared up in Jensen, remembering what “this” was. “Fucking Riley,” he spat, going tense. “I wish I’d had the chance to hit him.”
“You wanna hit me?” There was a brief pause before Jared spoke, and when he did, Jensen’s head snapped up to look at him. Jared shrugged. “This whole thing…all of this…it’s my fault. I know that. I’m the reason we’re standing here right now, and Jensen, I know I fucked up. Hell, I even told them about your car. I told them everything. So if you wanna hit me, hit me. I deserve it.”
It happened in a flash, before Jensen could even control it, the snap of his shoulder sending his right fist into Jared’s jaw, knocking him back. Jensen stood there, watching Jared’s hands cover his face and feeling the sting of his bloodied hands being curled into fists. He could still feel the crack of his knuckles against Jared’s jaw. He could still hear the small sound of shocked pain that Jared had let go. He wasn’t sure what made him do it, just that his chest was swarming with emotions, building up and threatening to choke him. Even though Jared’s expression had been open, sincere, and heartbreakingly dejected, that look had tapped into those emotions and made him angry. He was angry at everything, everything that had happened to him for the past two years.
Jared straightened slowly, his hands gradually coming away from his face. Jensen could already see the bruise forming there. Jared’s expression was a little shocked and a little hurt, but there was also an acceptance there that bothered Jensen more than anything. He turned away, his hands shaking as he fumbled with the car door and his keys. He couldn’t drive the car far, but he could at least get it home and in the garage before getting it fixed. He sat in the driver’s seat, trying to control his breathing and keep his vision from blurring. Then he started the car and drove away.
Jared sat on the couch after dinner, holding yet another icepack over his jaw at his mother’s insistence. He’d explained everything to her when she got home and saw the bruise, and she’d phoned the school and the police to tell them about Riley and the other kids. He begged her to not be mad at Jensen, even if he was still hurt by the fact that Jensen had actually hit him. He’d asked for it. She’d kept her cool, fussing and caring for Jared the way she always had.
He could hear her now, bustling around the kitchen. She was cleaning up, he thought, but then she came into the room and set a container down on the coffee table, reaching into the closet and grabbing her coat.
“Mom,” Jared protested, his stomach churning at the thought of what she was doing.
“Hey.” She tossed her coat on the arm of the couch and sat down next to him. “What did I tell you about questioning me?” Jared opened his mouth to protest further, and then closed it, knowing better. He looked away, and then she gently took his chin in her hand and made him look at her. She let go when he winced slightly, her eyes soft and loving. “I don’t know if I’ve said this already. But I am so proud of you for doing what you did today.”
Jared looked away again. “It was my fault.”
“Maybe it was,” she said, standing up and putting her coat on. “But today was the day you stood up for yourself and did something right. You were honest, and you tried to make it better. You probably saved Jensen’s life.”
Jared looked up when she said Jensen’s name, searching for any sign of anger and not finding any. Still, he worried. “Mom, please. Don’t go over there.”
“Jared,” she warned, picking up the container and giving him a look. “I’m going.”
He stood up, the icepack still held to his jaw. “At least let me come with you.”
She stopped then, turning and placing a hand on his good cheek, smiling with sympathy. “What do you think I’m gonna do, Jared? Hmm? You think I’m gonna yell at the poor kid? You think I’m gonna go make waves because he hit you?” She lifted the container in her hand and rolled her eyes. “I’m bringing him food, for Christ’s sake!”
Jared smiled then, and her hand slid away from his face. He felt a little better, but still nervous. “Just…tell him that I’m sorry. And tell him that I’ll pay for the car.”
“The hell’s the matter with you?” His mother asked, her eyes going wide. “Riley’s paying for the car!”
“Well, just…tell him. Just in case. It was my fault,” Jared repeated. She smiled at him again and turned to the door.
“I’ll be back later, Jared.”
Jensen was alone in the house, his dad off working on some play. Jensen didn’t even know where his father worked around here. They didn’t talk much these days. He remembered the places his father used to work at back in Massachusetts, back when it was just a job and not an escape from reality. He remembered the Shaughnessy Theatre, and the Zeiterion Theater in New Bedford. He remembered the characters his father had played and the work he’d done as one of the heads of the New Bedford Festival Theatre. He’d always said that the place held the finest musicals theatre production in Massachusetts.
Jensen thought about that now, as he was sitting on the couch with the TV on, poking at a small microwaveable dinner that didn’t look very appetizing. He looked up at one point and realized that he had no idea what he was watching, but he left it on anyway. It was background noise for his thoughts, his memories. And it distracted him from the things he didn’t want to remember.
When the doorbell chimed, Jensen looked around as if it was some foreign noise. It may as well have been. He actually took a moment to figure out where the noise had come from. Nobody ever visited him here. He had a brief vision of Chris and Steve showing up at his doorstep in Hyannis with big smiles on their faces, asking him to come and hang out with them.
He carefully pushed himself up off the couch, his hands bandaged now. His stomach still hurt as he moved to stand, and he suddenly felt afraid. He wondered if whoever had rung the bell was Riley or one of the other kids, back to finish the job. After all, it wasn’t as if it took a genius to figure out which house Alan Ackles had moved them into. He unlocked the door and pulled it open a crack, shocked to see Jared’s mother standing there.
“M-Mrs. Padalecki,” he stuttered, opening the door to let her in. Considering what had happened earlier that day, Jensen didn’t think that she was stopping by just to chat.
“Hi, Jensen,” she said, smiling and stepping inside. “How are you?”
“Oh, um, I’m okay,” he said, gesturing to take her coat. She handed it to him, and he hung it up on the rack by the door. “Just having some dinner.”
She looked past him to the coffee table, where he’d set down his microwaveable meal, and she snorted, handing him a small container. “Honey, at least have some real food.”
Jensen smiled a little, the first time he’d done so since he’d gotten back from the trip. “Thank you.” He took the container from her, and that’s when she noticed the bandages on his hands.
“Oh, Jensen!” She took the container back, setting it down on the coffee table beside the meal he’d left there. She took his hands in hers, looking down at them. “You were hurt?”
“I fell, after one of them hit me,” Jensen explained, shrugging. “But I’m okay now.”
“They hit you?” Jensen nodded, fidgeting. He was waiting for her to say something about hitting Jared. “Where?”
“Stomach.”
She cupped his cheek in her hand, and he was surprised by the gesture and the concern in her eyes. “But you’re okay now?” He nodded again, and she sighed and dropped her hand, relieved. “I heard about the car. Jared says he’ll pay for it.”
Jensen furled his brow in confusion. “Riley’s paying for the car!”
She rolled her eyes and smiled, slapping at her thigh. “That’s what I said!” The smile faded then. “Are you here alone?”
“Yeah,” Jensen answered. “Dad’s…working.”
“Good. You and I need to talk.” Jensen frowned then, biting at his bottom lip. He waited for her to take a seat on the couch and then sat down next to her, his eyes downcast and his stomach churning. “Jensen.” He looked up at her sympathetic tone. “I’m not here because I’m mad at you. I’m not here because you’re in some kind of trouble. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not happy that you hit my kid. But I don’t blame you for it, either. He told me what happened.”
Jensen looked away again, fingers fumbling together, trying to find his voice. “Everything?” he asked, thinking of the past week in Minnesota.
“Everything,” she confirmed, her tone gentle. “He told me what he did to you, with his friends. He told me how mixed up he got when he realized that he really liked you. You know, he was so sick over what he’d done and so worried about you when you left school that day, he went to the nurse to have me come take him home.”
“He did?”
“He sure did. That’s when he told me everything. The kid was a mess. As he should’ve been. There was no excuse for what he did. And you wanna know something?” She leaned in closer to him. “I would’ve punished him for it, but he paid for it enough with what he did to himself. He knows he was wrong, Jensen. And he loves you.”
Jensen closed his eyes, those words stirring his suppressed emotions, guilt growing on top of them. “He saved me today,” he said, his throat tight. “And I…” He played the hit over again in his head, the way Jared had just stood there after, the way Jared had asked for it, the feel of Jared’s jaw against his knuckles.
“It’s okay.” Her hand settled on his back, and he gently held his head in his sore hands, elbows resting on his knees. “Nobody blames you for that. You’ve been through so much, Jensen. More than a lot of kids your age.” She hesitated. “Jared told me about your mother. About how you took care of her.” Jensen felt his body go tense, his eyes burning. He couldn’t do this, not with Jared’s mother; not when she was caring so much for him. Like she would have, if she were still here. “You took all that on by yourself. You are so brave, Jensen.”
Jensen’s mouth was open, as if he were gasping for air, his chest heaving with sobs he wouldn’t let out. He resisted still, but he knew that she was breaking him down. Nobody had ever said that to him. Nobody had ever said anything to him about what he’d done for his mother. He hadn’t expected praise, but he’d expected something, especially from his father. But his efforts had gone unnoticed. Until Jared’s mother sat down on his couch and told him he that he was brave. He felt the inevitable coming, and he hated it. He hated it, because he was scared.
“You probably felt so alone. And what happened with Jared must’ve hurt a thousand times more because of it. And I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive him for that. But even if you don’t, I’m still here.” Her voice wavered, and Jensen’s face scrunched up behind his hands, his last defense. “I’m here right now. And I can see how much you’re hurting. Because you’ve never shown it before, have you?” Jensen’s breath hitched, a lone tear forcing its way out of his eyes, even as he squeezed them shut tighter. “Come here, sweetheart.”
Her arms began to wrap around him, and he flinched, a murmured “no” falling from his lips. He wanted to push her away, to get up and scream at her to get out of his house, right now, and just leave him alone. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t. But he couldn’t stop it, either.
His first sob was violent, his body forcing it through, even as he fought against it. It was his resistance failing, two years of emotional walls being torn down. It hurt him to let it go, but Jared’s mother held him tight, his head on her shoulder. It was a motherly comfort that he’d missed so much, and now he couldn’t stop himself. That was what scared him. All this time, he’d thought that if he started, it would never end. He was afraid to get lost in these emotions, to drown in them, and he tried multiple times to stop himself. But that only made it worse, his body trembling as he cried.
“It’s okay, Jensen,” Jared’s mother soothed, her hand stroking his hair. He wanted to stop, he wanted to tell her that this was not okay, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t even speak. “It’s okay. It’s all gonna be okay.”
Jensen didn’t know how long they sat like that, him crying his heart out on her shoulder. He knew that her voice and her touch eventually became soothing, and he realized now how much he missed spending time at Jared’s house. He knew that she rocked him a little, back and forth, and that it felt good, familiar. He knew that, even though he’d been scared and fighting this for so long, she was able to comfort him and make him feel safe. He knew that he loved and missed his own mother, and he knew that, despite his fears, he was coming out of this breakdown alive.
He was settling on Jared’s mother’s shoulder, sniffling just a little. She pulled back and lifted him up, and then looked around, grabbing a nearby box of tissues and handing it to him.
“Feel better, baby?” she asked. Jensen cleaned himself up with the tissues and nodded, leaning against the back of the couch, suddenly feeling exhausted. She smiled at him. “Good.”
“Thank you,” Jensen said, his voice tired and broken, but relieved. She leaned over and kissed his forehead.
“Just don’t ever hit my kid again, okay?” She laughed, and Jensen did, too, chuckling weakly. She tilted her head at him, still a curious concern in her expression. “You talk to your father much?”
Jensen hadn’t expected that question, and he looked up at her, shaking his head sadly. “No.”
“Think you can be brave enough to change that?”
“You give that boy time to heal,” Jared’s mother had ordered when she’d come home from Jensen’s house. Jared had stayed up, worrying over what was taking so long and wondering what was happening. He’d started questioning her as soon as she’d come in the door, and that was the first thing she’d said to him. “He’s been through a lot. He’s hurt, lonely, and confused, and I think he’ll forgive you, if he hasn’t already. But don’t go to school expecting him to be your best friend again. The kid needs space, so he can deal with his own problems.”
Jared understood that, but it didn’t make him any less nervous as he walked to school the next day. He headed straight for the cafeteria, like always, not surprised to see that Riley wasn’t at the breakfast table amongst his friends. Jensen wasn’t, either, but he hadn’t been there since the Minnesota trip, and Jared couldn’t expect him to just show up now.
“Jay, what happened?” Chad stood and walked over to meet him on his way to the table. He was staring at the bruise on Jared’s jaw, eyes wide. “Shit.”
“Is it true?” Danneel asked as they got closer. “Was Riley arrested?”
Jared nodded and sat down, fidgeting under the gaze of the girls and Chad. “Yeah. He and a bunch of assholes followed Jensen to his car. Brought baseball bats, smashed a headlight, hurt Jensen.” He felt anger and guilt at those last words. He hadn’t known that they’d already hit Jensen before he’d gotten there. Danneel shook her head silently, visibly upset.
“My God,” Sandy breathed, her hand over her mouth. “You, too?”
She was looking at his jaw, and Jared shook his head. “No, that wasn’t…” He hesitated, wondering if he should leave out the part about Jensen hitting him. But then he figured he’d lied enough. “That was Jensen, after.” He shrugged at the astonished looks on his friends’ faces. “I told him to. I deserved it.”
“Is Jensen okay?”
Jared looked up at Genevieve, nodding slowly. “Yeah. Yeah, physically, he’s fine.” He sighed, the silence between them long and expectant. “I’m sorry, guys,” he said quietly, looking down at his hands. “I really screwed up this year. I lied to everyone, I neglected you, I hurt people. I was selfish. I don’t know why you’re even still talking to me.”
“It’s high school, Jay.” Jared looked up at Chad, who smiled a little and shrugged. “We’re supposed to fuck up here.”
“You’re our friend,” Danneel said, her voice strained as she looked at the table, obviously thinking of Riley. “And you got what you deserved. Including that punch to the face. We can forgive you.” She laughed a little then, and they all turned to her. “Fucking Riley. I sure know how to pick ‘em, huh?”
Genevieve put a hand on her shoulder. “Hey, it’s not like you bent over backwards for him. You were pretty much already broken up.” Gen paused, then smirked and added, “Again.”
They all laughed, but Jared didn’t join in, butterflies in his stomach. He looked around at them, deciding that he still had to come clean. He’d done it yesterday, and that had involved people he cared a whole lot less about. “Hey, guys?” They turned to him, and he took a moment, swallowing. “There’s something I think I should tell you.” He laughed awkwardly, a wince accompanying the sound rather than a smile. “It’s probably going around the school after yesterday and everything else that’s happened, and I think you should hear it from me.” He closed his eyes and sighed deeply, hands clenching over his knees. He had to stop thinking about it and just say it, before he lost the courage. “I’m gay.”
If there was any shock amongst his friends, it was short-lived. But then, thanks to Riley, they already knew all about the incident in Minnesota. That had to have clued them in to something.
Sandy smiled and reached over to pat his knee. “So, you really do love him, then?”
“Yeah,” Jared admitted, relaxing in front of them. He decided that it felt better, being honest, especially when met with acceptance. “Yeah, I do.”
“Does that mean you won’t go to prom with me?” Gen asked, playfully pouting.
Jared laughed. “Man, I almost forgot.” His laughter died then, unsure of what to do. They had talked about it long ago, just going as friends if they didn’t have significant others, but then there was Jensen. Jensen wasn’t exactly talking to him, though.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” Gen said, shrugging it off. “No big deal.”
“No, it’s okay,” Jared said, making up his mind. He’d made a promise, and he was going to keep it. “I’ll go. I’ll take you.”
They split up for classes, and Jensen walked into pre-calc looking exhausted but a little bit lighter. Jared hadn’t realized that he could see the weight on Jensen’s shoulders before, warring emotions raging inside of him. Jensen’s shoulders sagged, but not with the weight of two years of hardship stacked up on him or with the books in his schoolbag. They sagged with the release of those two years. Jensen wasn’t carrying anything anymore. He’d let it go.
Jared’s heart went out to Jensen, and he wanted to hug him, to say something, but he couldn’t. He watched intently as Jensen walked to their aisle and then down it, towards the seat in front of him. Everything seemed to stop when Jensen glanced up at him quickly, muttering a small, “Hey.”
“Hey,” Jared said back, happy for even such a small acknowledgement. To his surprise, Jensen even nodded over at Chad, who nodded back. Jared smiled. It was a start, and he wasn’t going to push it. He’d just take whatever he could get.
He spent the weekend hanging out with Chad and coordinating things for the prom with Genevieve. It felt like he was getting back to being the person he was before he’d even heard the name Jensen Ackles. But that was the one thing that he felt was wrong. He wanted to hear the name Jensen Ackles. Jensen was the one thing that Jared felt he was missing in his life. Seeing him in school wasn’t enough.
That Monday was the first of March. Jared watched as Jensen walked into pre-calc. He watched as Singer stopped him, and his ears perked up when Singer spoke to Jensen, catching words that sounded so very important at a time like this. He saw Jensen smile politely at Singer, and that’s when he decided he had to do something. He wrote a quick note to Chad and passed it over. He shared the news with the girls when he got to lunch, and they were allowed access to the computer lab with the time they had after eating, all of them running by Jensen’s locker. Jared was giving Jensen space and time, but he couldn’t let today go by without doing something a little special for him.
Part 5
“Does anyone know where Jensen is?”
Jared heard Singer asking the question, but he didn’t respond. He knew that Jensen had left, but he didn’t know where Jensen was, and the last thing he needed to do was rat Jensen out for skipping school, especially when he was the reason. He sat staring at the empty seat in front of him, saw Singer watching him out of the corner of his eye. Singer had seen he and Jensen grow closer as friends, and he’d suspect that Jared knew something. But he didn’t pry. Jared supposed he should feel grateful for that, but he didn’t.
He sat there thinking about what had happened, the hushed meeting with Chad, the drop of his stomach at the sound of the door at the top of the staircase slamming. The sight of Jensen running from him tore at him, and he felt like he should’ve run after Jensen, caught up to him and apologized, told him the truth. Then again, maybe he didn’t even deserve the opportunity.
Jared ached inside, deep down, everywhere. He hadn’t seen Jensen’s face that morning, but he could still picture it in his mind. He knew the look he would’ve seen there, and he hated it, hated himself for it. Chad had immediately stopped questioning him about Jensen when Jared turned back to him after watching Jensen run away. Jared didn’t know if that meant that Chad could see the truth or not, but he almost wished that Chad didn’t suddenly look at him with a certain kind of sympathy. He wished Chad would keep yelling at him, keep telling him what an awful person he was. God, he missed Jensen.
It was fear. Jared was a coward. He’d been lying to his friends all this time about how he really felt when it came to Jensen, and he didn’t have the courage to stand up and admit it now. His answer to Chad’s question had been that of a frightened adolescent trying to save face. He supposed it made things more difficult that this involved Jensen, another guy, and that he didn’t know what kind of ridicule he’d face if he owned up to what he’d felt and willingly done the week before. He was still scared. And he already knew word was traveling fast around the school, and that Jensen, who was already disliked by the student body as a whole, would now have rumors floating around about him and his sexual preferences.
Chad reached over and nudged Jared, gently nodding down to his schoolbag, silently telling him to get his books out. Jared stared down at the bag by his feet and then up at the blackboard. He looked around the classroom. Everyone else was flipping pages and taking notes, like this was just an ordinary day. It wasn’t for Jared.
“Something wrong, Mr. Padalecki?”
Jared looked up at Singer, who was staring at him again. He glanced at Chad and cleared his throat. “Mr. Singer, I don’t feel so good. I think I need to go the nurse.”
Singer nodded, his voice a little softer when he spoke again. “Alright, Jared, go ahead.”
Jared complained of an upset stomach, the nurse agreeing to call his mother and send him home. Jared sat silently through his mother’s concerned prodding, and then got in her car to go home. He was used to riding home in Jensen’s car. He stared out the window, aware of the growing silence and the looks his mother kept shooting at him.
“You’re not really sick, are you, Jared?” She sounded suspicious, but still concerned. She knew something was wrong.
“No,” he admitted, tired of lying.
She parked the car in front of the house and touched a hand to his shoulder. “You can tell me all about it when we get inside.”
She said it as if it was a suggestion. Jared knew better.
The school had called Jensen’s house to find out where he was. Jensen called his father and asked him to call them back, tell them that he’d driven to school only to find himself sick, and then took himself back home. It had worked.
Now, Jensen was driving to school again, heading for his usual parking spot, still dreading walking into Waterville, and wondering if he should just forget about graduating high school altogether. But he knew what that would mean, and he knew how his father would react. He had to go. He had to stand up to this and face it, even if it made him sick to think about it.
Jared was standing on the sidewalk when Jensen pulled up. Jensen almost pulled away, turned around, and went back home. He almost didn’t get out of the car. But he went through the motions, picking up his schoolbag, opening the door, and getting out, not looking Jared in the eye.
“Jensen,” Jared started. Jensen closed and locked the door and started walking. “Hey, Jensen, please!” Jared hurried to catch up and keep pace with him. Jensen couldn’t look at him, didn’t want to. “Jensen, please, I just wanna tell you the truth!”
“The truth?!” The words were out of Jensen’s mouth before he could stop them, anger flashing through his body, and he flung his schoolbag down to the ground. He looked at Jared then, saw Jared’s stunned and sad expression. It only fueled the anger he felt, the betrayal. “What, that you hate me? That you were just using me and letting me get you off? How would I even know what the truth is from you, Jared? Why would I ever believe you?”
Jared stood silently for a moment, a guilty slump to his shoulders. “I don’t know,” he said quietly. “Jensen, I don’t know. You don’t have to believe me, I just…I just wanna say it.”
Jensen told himself he should walk away, that he should ignore Jared’s pleading, tearful eyes, but he stood still and waited.
“It’s true, alright? I started out hating you.” Jared shifted uncomfortably. “I talked about you to my friends, said some really horrible things about you. I thought you were just in the way, but then you talked to me. And you showed me how talented you really were, and how…how nice you really were. I liked you.” Jared looked down at his feet in shame, swallowing hard. “But I couldn’t admit that to my friends. I guess I didn’t even wanna admit to myself at first, you know? So I let them believe I was just using you and pretending to be your friend.” He looked up at Jensen, speaking in earnest. “But Jensen, I really did care about you. I don’t know how I can prove that, but I did. I still do. You’re my best friend. And what…what happened between us last week…I liked it. I wanted it to happen.”
Jensen scoffed and looked away, shaking his head, even if his heart was aching to believe Jared. “You sure about that?”
“Yeah.” Jared nodded. “Yeah, absolutely. I just…I was afraid. When Chad asked me…I’m sorry. I’m a coward,” he said, his tone self-deprecating. “And I’m so sorry, Jensen. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’d give anything to take it all back.”
Jensen stood, looking anywhere but at Jared. “Auditions for the musical are this week, right?”
There was a pause. “Yeah…”
“Well.” Jensen reached down and picked his backpack up, slinging it over his shoulder, still hurt and angry, ignoring the feelings that got him in trouble in the first place. “You won’t have to worry about me being in your way.” He turned and started walking, this decision coming to him just now. He was tired, tired of trying so hard to be what everyone expected him to be. He could still graduate, still get his diploma, because it was good for him. As for the rest of it? He didn’t care anymore. “I won’t be auditioning.”
He left Jared there, ignoring him the rest of the way to school, aware of the fact that Jared walked behind him at a respectable distance. He sat through his classes the way he had when he’d first arrived at Waterville, just there to do his work and get good grades, ignoring the way the other students looked at him. He heard the talk, he knew the rumors, and he heard the slurs now spoken about him. He didn’t care. All he had to do was pass and graduate, and then he could move on, away from Waterville and all its bad memories.
Lunch was quiet that day. Jared’s friends looked at him a lot differently than they used to.
“It’s not that bad,” Riley said suddenly, breaking the silence. “I mean, they’re talking about Jensen, not you. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
“Fuck you, Riley,” Chad spat, getting the words out before Jared could. Jared closed his opened mouth, looking over at Chad in surprise. “Don’t act like you’re his fuckin’ pal, now.”
“Don’t,” Genevieve said when Riley opened his mouth again, her eyes narrowed at him. “Just don’t.”
They sat there for a few more minutes before Jared finally spoke. “He said he’s not auditioning for the musical this week.” He couldn’t get those words out of his head. He couldn’t get over how wrong they sounded.
Sandy looked over at him, caring but firm. “With all due respect, Jared, that’s what you wanted in the first place.”
Jared stared down at the food he hadn’t touched. “I don’t want it now.”
He didn’t try to catch Jensen after drama, but he knew that he was pushing his luck the next morning when he stood by Jensen’s parking spot again. Jensen got out in the same fashion as the day before, rushed and not even sparing Jared a second glance. Just like the day before, Jared hurried alongside him, speaking quickly.
“Jensen, I know you already listened to me once, and I can’t expect you to do it again, but please, just hear me out, now, please.” He grabbed Jensen’s arm, and Jensen turned quickly, his muscles tense. Jared shrank back, almost expecting Jensen to hit him before a controlled look came over Jensen’s face. He held his hands up in peace. “Look, what you said yesterday about not auditioning? I know you said that you don’t really wanna do this. That it’s all your dad pushing you. But you’re good at what you do. I’ve watched you, I’ve worked with you, and I’ve seen the look in your eyes when you’re performing.” He took a breath, wondering just how far out of line he was going. “I think it’s helping you. I think it’s a way for you to let out whatever you’ve been feeling since your mom died.”
Jensen looked at him then, making eye contact, and Jared saw pain running deep. He wanted to hug Jensen but knew that he couldn’t. All he could do was this.
“Look, I wasn’t lying when I said you didn’t need Kripke’s favor to get the lead in a play. You’re amazing, Jensen.” He stood, breathing, fighting the emotion that suddenly came on, his hands shaking as he pleaded with Jensen. “And I’ve fucked things up enough for you this year. Don’t let me ruin this, too.”
They stood staring at each other, Jared still shaking, Jensen’s eyes still wide and pained. Then Jensen looked away and slowly started walking. Jared let out a shaky breath and followed, leaving a good distance between them.
Jensen thought about what Jared said. He tried telling himself that Jared didn’t matter now, that Jared had hurt and betrayed him and wasn’t to be trusted. But Jared’s voice and expression were caught in his mind, and he just couldn’t shake it off. He thought about it, and he felt scared, because Jared was right. Jared was right about something he hadn’t even realized about himself. He’d hated being forced into acting, but then he’d used that hate to fuel him. He’d felt broken, like he was just carrying out his parents’ wishes, and he’d used that, too. And now…he sat, thinking about what he’d been through and trying to push the emotion away, thinking about the musical, and how it would help him, thinking about everything he could pour into a character on stage instead of dealing with it on his own. Acting had become his escape. He needed it, craved it, and he couldn’t let Jared take it from him now.
The spring musical was Jekyll & Hyde. Although Jensen bitterly thought that the lead was a role fit for Jared, he auditioned for it. He watched Jared audition, too, watched him use the voice that Jensen gave him. It wasn’t perfect, but it was good enough; good enough to play John Utterson, Jekyll’s best friend. Jensen got the lead, and, for the first time, he felt a sense of pride in doing so.
He saw the looks the other drama students gave him, and he didn’t care. He’d earned this. He saw Jared’s tentative smile and accepted it, but didn’t smile back. He saw Riley’s hateful glare and just walked on by, getting his things together and leaving the auditorium, heading for his car.
This was it. Jared had thought he’d be happy to have those final two points to get into the Thespian Society. Instead, the only thing he was happy about was that Jensen had still auditioned and gotten the lead. Aside from that, nothing mattered. The things that he’d wanted so badly at the start of the year suddenly held no meaning. He cared more about Jensen than going to a banquet and getting some awards at graduation. He guessed that was how he should’ve been in the first place, caring more about a person than some useless piece of paper declaring him a passable actor. He smiled at Jensen after the audition, not expecting a smile back, but still feeling the sting when Jensen merely looked away. It was okay. He deserved it. He’d been the biggest jerk he knew at school this year.
Then he noticed Riley. He’d seen Riley look at Jensen with hatred in his eyes before, but there was something about it that day that made it different. There was something about it that scared Jared.
Jensen left quickly, the way he’d been doing lately, walking out the doors of the auditorium and onto the street, on his way to his car. Jared watched as Riley got up and headed for the doors, too. He watched as Riley leaned out the doors, and Jared saw other students outside, his breath catching in his throat. There was a group of them, and he knew them. Well, it was better to say that he knew of them. They were the type that Jared and his friends had always steered clear of; the type to start trouble for no apparent reason, even if it meant hurting somebody. He watched as Riley walked out with them, and then Jared moved to grab his backpack and run after them.
“Jared!” Kripke slapped a hand down on his shoulder, grinning wide. “That was unexpected today! Looks like you finally found your voice. How’d you learn to sing like that?”
“Jensen,” Jared said absently, itching to pull away.
“Ah, Jensen.” Kripke smiled fondly and shook his head. “That kid’s amazing, isn’t he?”
“Yeah.” Jared nodded and started backing away, excusing himself. “Yeah, he is. Listen, Mr. Kripke, I have to go, but, um…thanks!” He hurried to the door and opened it, looking around and seeing no one. Then he cursed and started running in the direction of Jensen’s car.
It was troubling, the feeling of being followed. But every time Jensen looked around, he didn’t see anyone, or anybody targeting him, anyway. He walked faster, pulling his keys out as he neared his car, wanting to jump in and get the hell out of here.
Jensen’s keys were suddenly knocked out of his hand, and he was grabbed from behind, spun around, and shoved back into his car. His backpack hit the frame, and he nearly fell forward as he bounced off the car, holding his hands out to steady himself. His heart was already beating wildly as he tried to catch his breath from the shock, and he straightened, looking up into faces that were suddenly surrounding him, faces he didn’t know…and one he did.
“Hey, Jensen,” Riley said, purposely polite. “How’s it goin’? You did real good at the auditions today. Scored yourself another lead, didn’t you?”
“Look, Riley, I don’t want any trouble.” Jensen held his hands up higher, trying not to show the fear creeping up on him. It wasn’t as if he stood a chance among the lot of them. There were five. He was one person.
“Then you shouldn’t have fucking come here!” Riley snarled, revealing his anger. Then he laughed, shaking it off. “But it’s okay. Water under the bridge, right?” Jensen watched as Riley turned to one of the other guys, gesturing to him. The guy pulled his hands out from behind his back, producing a baseball bat, and Riley took it. Jensen’s fear skyrocketed, his eyes widening. “This your car?” Riley asked casually, walking over to the front of it, by the headlights. He smiled after he looked at it, nodding. “It’s nice!” Riley raised the bat, and Jensen flinched at the sound of a headlight shattering, feeling an odd sense of sadness for the car he’d cared nothing about before he’d showed it to Jared. Riley laughed. “Aw, sorry, man. Must’ve slipped!”
Jensen turned towards Riley, hands still up in the air. “Riley, please-”
Jensen was suddenly grabbed and shoved back up against the car, a large fist connecting with his stomach. He doubled over, unable to breathe, his schoolbag weighing him down, and he put his hands out to catch himself on the pavement, palms scraping along the cement. Hands gripped his backpack and yanked him upright, and he gasped at the pain of standing up straight, his hands stinging and eyes watering. He looked over at Riley, who was raising the bat again, aiming for the car’s windshield, and then he turned back and saw one of the other guys in front of him, wielding another baseball bat.
“Riley, you son of a bitch!”
Jensen heard the voice and turned his head, along with everyone else, glad for the momentary distraction. “Jared,” he breathed, relief flooding his system.
Jared ran up behind Riley and shoved him away from the car, yanking the bat from his hands and tossing it out into the street. He looked angry, more than Jensen had ever seen him, even back when Jared had hated him for no good reason. Then Jared turned to him, saw him being held up by a few guys while another stood in front of him, baseball bat still raised, and that anger turned to fear.
“No!” Jared shouted, worming his way between Jensen and the raised weapon. Jared’s hands were held up, much like Jensen’s had been. “No, please, don’t do this!” He gestured to Riley, who was just picking himself up off of the ground and glaring at Jared. “Whatever he told you, it isn’t true. Or if it is, it doesn’t matter anymore. Just…please, you don’t have to hurt him!”
“Oh, come on, Jared!” Riley made his way over to Jared and the paused action, arms spread wide. “You gotta be kidding me!” He pointed to Jensen. “This guy ruined everything! He took so much away from you just because he’s the spoiled fucking rich kid, and he fucked up our friendship on top of that! Don’t tell me you’re still defending this fag!”
Jensen tensed at the word, his stomach and hands throbbing with pain. He couldn’t see past Jared in front of him, and he wondered if there was still a baseball bat aimed at both of them.
“Maybe I’m a fag, too.”
Jared’s voice was quiet, but it was sure, steady. Jensen couldn’t believe his ears. He couldn’t believe that Jared was saying it, here, now. He stared at the back of Jared’s head, stunned.
“What?” Riley asked, just as stunned, his arms dropping.
“You heard me,” Jared answered, his voice rising, gaining confidence. “I said, ‘I’m a fag, too!’ What are you gonna do, Riley? Huh? You gonna have your new friends beat the shit outta me, too? Thought you were all broken up about how we never hung out anymore?”
Jensen heard Riley take a hesitant breath and then say, “Jesus, Jared…”
“What?” Jared’s hands lowered, and he stood up a little straighter. “‘Jesus,’ what? It’s the truth.” Jensen watched in awe as Jared moved, yanking the bat out of the other guy’s hands and tossing that one out into the street, too, the two of them clanking together. “Go home, Riley.” Jared looked around at the others. “All of you just go home. Leave us alone.”
To Jensen’s surprise, Riley nodded at the kid who’d just been ready to bash him with a baseball bat, and the three who were holding him let go, the pressure off his arms and back. He heard Riley mutter an “unbelievable” under his breath, and he watched the group walk away, dimly aware of the pain he was still in. He turned to Jared, who suddenly bent over, trembling hand running over his face, his expression suddenly betraying how scared he actually was in that moment, the angry, confident voice forgotten.
“Jesus,” Jared whispered, straightening up again. “Are you alright?” Jensen hadn’t even answered yet before Jared barked out a laugh and walked a small circle, his hand passing over his face again. “Fuck, we could’ve been killed.”
“Thanks.” Jensen saw Jared pause when he said the word, and then he caught sight of his keys on the pavement and bent to pick them up, unlocking his car and turning towards it, butterflies flitting around his bruised stomach.
“Whoa, wait, wait!” Jensen closed his eyes when Jared’s hand reached past him to close the door that he’d begun to open. “That’s it?” Jared laughed again, incredulous. “That’s it. We just almost died, and you’re just gonna say thanks and walk away?” Jensen didn’t answer, and Jared scoffed. “You wanna give me a real reason to hate you?”
Jensen turned around, his eyes searching Jared’s. “Do you?”
Jared took a moment to comprehend the question and then gaped at Jensen. “Are you fucking kidding me? Of course not, Jensen, I love you!” There was a brief hesitation where Jensen’s ears perked up, and then they both ignored the implications of what had just been said. “You think I’d do this for someone I hated?”
Anger suddenly flared up in Jensen, remembering what “this” was. “Fucking Riley,” he spat, going tense. “I wish I’d had the chance to hit him.”
“You wanna hit me?” There was a brief pause before Jared spoke, and when he did, Jensen’s head snapped up to look at him. Jared shrugged. “This whole thing…all of this…it’s my fault. I know that. I’m the reason we’re standing here right now, and Jensen, I know I fucked up. Hell, I even told them about your car. I told them everything. So if you wanna hit me, hit me. I deserve it.”
It happened in a flash, before Jensen could even control it, the snap of his shoulder sending his right fist into Jared’s jaw, knocking him back. Jensen stood there, watching Jared’s hands cover his face and feeling the sting of his bloodied hands being curled into fists. He could still feel the crack of his knuckles against Jared’s jaw. He could still hear the small sound of shocked pain that Jared had let go. He wasn’t sure what made him do it, just that his chest was swarming with emotions, building up and threatening to choke him. Even though Jared’s expression had been open, sincere, and heartbreakingly dejected, that look had tapped into those emotions and made him angry. He was angry at everything, everything that had happened to him for the past two years.
Jared straightened slowly, his hands gradually coming away from his face. Jensen could already see the bruise forming there. Jared’s expression was a little shocked and a little hurt, but there was also an acceptance there that bothered Jensen more than anything. He turned away, his hands shaking as he fumbled with the car door and his keys. He couldn’t drive the car far, but he could at least get it home and in the garage before getting it fixed. He sat in the driver’s seat, trying to control his breathing and keep his vision from blurring. Then he started the car and drove away.
Jared sat on the couch after dinner, holding yet another icepack over his jaw at his mother’s insistence. He’d explained everything to her when she got home and saw the bruise, and she’d phoned the school and the police to tell them about Riley and the other kids. He begged her to not be mad at Jensen, even if he was still hurt by the fact that Jensen had actually hit him. He’d asked for it. She’d kept her cool, fussing and caring for Jared the way she always had.
He could hear her now, bustling around the kitchen. She was cleaning up, he thought, but then she came into the room and set a container down on the coffee table, reaching into the closet and grabbing her coat.
“Mom,” Jared protested, his stomach churning at the thought of what she was doing.
“Hey.” She tossed her coat on the arm of the couch and sat down next to him. “What did I tell you about questioning me?” Jared opened his mouth to protest further, and then closed it, knowing better. He looked away, and then she gently took his chin in her hand and made him look at her. She let go when he winced slightly, her eyes soft and loving. “I don’t know if I’ve said this already. But I am so proud of you for doing what you did today.”
Jared looked away again. “It was my fault.”
“Maybe it was,” she said, standing up and putting her coat on. “But today was the day you stood up for yourself and did something right. You were honest, and you tried to make it better. You probably saved Jensen’s life.”
Jared looked up when she said Jensen’s name, searching for any sign of anger and not finding any. Still, he worried. “Mom, please. Don’t go over there.”
“Jared,” she warned, picking up the container and giving him a look. “I’m going.”
He stood up, the icepack still held to his jaw. “At least let me come with you.”
She stopped then, turning and placing a hand on his good cheek, smiling with sympathy. “What do you think I’m gonna do, Jared? Hmm? You think I’m gonna yell at the poor kid? You think I’m gonna go make waves because he hit you?” She lifted the container in her hand and rolled her eyes. “I’m bringing him food, for Christ’s sake!”
Jared smiled then, and her hand slid away from his face. He felt a little better, but still nervous. “Just…tell him that I’m sorry. And tell him that I’ll pay for the car.”
“The hell’s the matter with you?” His mother asked, her eyes going wide. “Riley’s paying for the car!”
“Well, just…tell him. Just in case. It was my fault,” Jared repeated. She smiled at him again and turned to the door.
“I’ll be back later, Jared.”
Jensen was alone in the house, his dad off working on some play. Jensen didn’t even know where his father worked around here. They didn’t talk much these days. He remembered the places his father used to work at back in Massachusetts, back when it was just a job and not an escape from reality. He remembered the Shaughnessy Theatre, and the Zeiterion Theater in New Bedford. He remembered the characters his father had played and the work he’d done as one of the heads of the New Bedford Festival Theatre. He’d always said that the place held the finest musicals theatre production in Massachusetts.
Jensen thought about that now, as he was sitting on the couch with the TV on, poking at a small microwaveable dinner that didn’t look very appetizing. He looked up at one point and realized that he had no idea what he was watching, but he left it on anyway. It was background noise for his thoughts, his memories. And it distracted him from the things he didn’t want to remember.
When the doorbell chimed, Jensen looked around as if it was some foreign noise. It may as well have been. He actually took a moment to figure out where the noise had come from. Nobody ever visited him here. He had a brief vision of Chris and Steve showing up at his doorstep in Hyannis with big smiles on their faces, asking him to come and hang out with them.
He carefully pushed himself up off the couch, his hands bandaged now. His stomach still hurt as he moved to stand, and he suddenly felt afraid. He wondered if whoever had rung the bell was Riley or one of the other kids, back to finish the job. After all, it wasn’t as if it took a genius to figure out which house Alan Ackles had moved them into. He unlocked the door and pulled it open a crack, shocked to see Jared’s mother standing there.
“M-Mrs. Padalecki,” he stuttered, opening the door to let her in. Considering what had happened earlier that day, Jensen didn’t think that she was stopping by just to chat.
“Hi, Jensen,” she said, smiling and stepping inside. “How are you?”
“Oh, um, I’m okay,” he said, gesturing to take her coat. She handed it to him, and he hung it up on the rack by the door. “Just having some dinner.”
She looked past him to the coffee table, where he’d set down his microwaveable meal, and she snorted, handing him a small container. “Honey, at least have some real food.”
Jensen smiled a little, the first time he’d done so since he’d gotten back from the trip. “Thank you.” He took the container from her, and that’s when she noticed the bandages on his hands.
“Oh, Jensen!” She took the container back, setting it down on the coffee table beside the meal he’d left there. She took his hands in hers, looking down at them. “You were hurt?”
“I fell, after one of them hit me,” Jensen explained, shrugging. “But I’m okay now.”
“They hit you?” Jensen nodded, fidgeting. He was waiting for her to say something about hitting Jared. “Where?”
“Stomach.”
She cupped his cheek in her hand, and he was surprised by the gesture and the concern in her eyes. “But you’re okay now?” He nodded again, and she sighed and dropped her hand, relieved. “I heard about the car. Jared says he’ll pay for it.”
Jensen furled his brow in confusion. “Riley’s paying for the car!”
She rolled her eyes and smiled, slapping at her thigh. “That’s what I said!” The smile faded then. “Are you here alone?”
“Yeah,” Jensen answered. “Dad’s…working.”
“Good. You and I need to talk.” Jensen frowned then, biting at his bottom lip. He waited for her to take a seat on the couch and then sat down next to her, his eyes downcast and his stomach churning. “Jensen.” He looked up at her sympathetic tone. “I’m not here because I’m mad at you. I’m not here because you’re in some kind of trouble. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not happy that you hit my kid. But I don’t blame you for it, either. He told me what happened.”
Jensen looked away again, fingers fumbling together, trying to find his voice. “Everything?” he asked, thinking of the past week in Minnesota.
“Everything,” she confirmed, her tone gentle. “He told me what he did to you, with his friends. He told me how mixed up he got when he realized that he really liked you. You know, he was so sick over what he’d done and so worried about you when you left school that day, he went to the nurse to have me come take him home.”
“He did?”
“He sure did. That’s when he told me everything. The kid was a mess. As he should’ve been. There was no excuse for what he did. And you wanna know something?” She leaned in closer to him. “I would’ve punished him for it, but he paid for it enough with what he did to himself. He knows he was wrong, Jensen. And he loves you.”
Jensen closed his eyes, those words stirring his suppressed emotions, guilt growing on top of them. “He saved me today,” he said, his throat tight. “And I…” He played the hit over again in his head, the way Jared had just stood there after, the way Jared had asked for it, the feel of Jared’s jaw against his knuckles.
“It’s okay.” Her hand settled on his back, and he gently held his head in his sore hands, elbows resting on his knees. “Nobody blames you for that. You’ve been through so much, Jensen. More than a lot of kids your age.” She hesitated. “Jared told me about your mother. About how you took care of her.” Jensen felt his body go tense, his eyes burning. He couldn’t do this, not with Jared’s mother; not when she was caring so much for him. Like she would have, if she were still here. “You took all that on by yourself. You are so brave, Jensen.”
Jensen’s mouth was open, as if he were gasping for air, his chest heaving with sobs he wouldn’t let out. He resisted still, but he knew that she was breaking him down. Nobody had ever said that to him. Nobody had ever said anything to him about what he’d done for his mother. He hadn’t expected praise, but he’d expected something, especially from his father. But his efforts had gone unnoticed. Until Jared’s mother sat down on his couch and told him he that he was brave. He felt the inevitable coming, and he hated it. He hated it, because he was scared.
“You probably felt so alone. And what happened with Jared must’ve hurt a thousand times more because of it. And I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive him for that. But even if you don’t, I’m still here.” Her voice wavered, and Jensen’s face scrunched up behind his hands, his last defense. “I’m here right now. And I can see how much you’re hurting. Because you’ve never shown it before, have you?” Jensen’s breath hitched, a lone tear forcing its way out of his eyes, even as he squeezed them shut tighter. “Come here, sweetheart.”
Her arms began to wrap around him, and he flinched, a murmured “no” falling from his lips. He wanted to push her away, to get up and scream at her to get out of his house, right now, and just leave him alone. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t. But he couldn’t stop it, either.
His first sob was violent, his body forcing it through, even as he fought against it. It was his resistance failing, two years of emotional walls being torn down. It hurt him to let it go, but Jared’s mother held him tight, his head on her shoulder. It was a motherly comfort that he’d missed so much, and now he couldn’t stop himself. That was what scared him. All this time, he’d thought that if he started, it would never end. He was afraid to get lost in these emotions, to drown in them, and he tried multiple times to stop himself. But that only made it worse, his body trembling as he cried.
“It’s okay, Jensen,” Jared’s mother soothed, her hand stroking his hair. He wanted to stop, he wanted to tell her that this was not okay, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t even speak. “It’s okay. It’s all gonna be okay.”
Jensen didn’t know how long they sat like that, him crying his heart out on her shoulder. He knew that her voice and her touch eventually became soothing, and he realized now how much he missed spending time at Jared’s house. He knew that she rocked him a little, back and forth, and that it felt good, familiar. He knew that, even though he’d been scared and fighting this for so long, she was able to comfort him and make him feel safe. He knew that he loved and missed his own mother, and he knew that, despite his fears, he was coming out of this breakdown alive.
He was settling on Jared’s mother’s shoulder, sniffling just a little. She pulled back and lifted him up, and then looked around, grabbing a nearby box of tissues and handing it to him.
“Feel better, baby?” she asked. Jensen cleaned himself up with the tissues and nodded, leaning against the back of the couch, suddenly feeling exhausted. She smiled at him. “Good.”
“Thank you,” Jensen said, his voice tired and broken, but relieved. She leaned over and kissed his forehead.
“Just don’t ever hit my kid again, okay?” She laughed, and Jensen did, too, chuckling weakly. She tilted her head at him, still a curious concern in her expression. “You talk to your father much?”
Jensen hadn’t expected that question, and he looked up at her, shaking his head sadly. “No.”
“Think you can be brave enough to change that?”
“You give that boy time to heal,” Jared’s mother had ordered when she’d come home from Jensen’s house. Jared had stayed up, worrying over what was taking so long and wondering what was happening. He’d started questioning her as soon as she’d come in the door, and that was the first thing she’d said to him. “He’s been through a lot. He’s hurt, lonely, and confused, and I think he’ll forgive you, if he hasn’t already. But don’t go to school expecting him to be your best friend again. The kid needs space, so he can deal with his own problems.”
Jared understood that, but it didn’t make him any less nervous as he walked to school the next day. He headed straight for the cafeteria, like always, not surprised to see that Riley wasn’t at the breakfast table amongst his friends. Jensen wasn’t, either, but he hadn’t been there since the Minnesota trip, and Jared couldn’t expect him to just show up now.
“Jay, what happened?” Chad stood and walked over to meet him on his way to the table. He was staring at the bruise on Jared’s jaw, eyes wide. “Shit.”
“Is it true?” Danneel asked as they got closer. “Was Riley arrested?”
Jared nodded and sat down, fidgeting under the gaze of the girls and Chad. “Yeah. He and a bunch of assholes followed Jensen to his car. Brought baseball bats, smashed a headlight, hurt Jensen.” He felt anger and guilt at those last words. He hadn’t known that they’d already hit Jensen before he’d gotten there. Danneel shook her head silently, visibly upset.
“My God,” Sandy breathed, her hand over her mouth. “You, too?”
She was looking at his jaw, and Jared shook his head. “No, that wasn’t…” He hesitated, wondering if he should leave out the part about Jensen hitting him. But then he figured he’d lied enough. “That was Jensen, after.” He shrugged at the astonished looks on his friends’ faces. “I told him to. I deserved it.”
“Is Jensen okay?”
Jared looked up at Genevieve, nodding slowly. “Yeah. Yeah, physically, he’s fine.” He sighed, the silence between them long and expectant. “I’m sorry, guys,” he said quietly, looking down at his hands. “I really screwed up this year. I lied to everyone, I neglected you, I hurt people. I was selfish. I don’t know why you’re even still talking to me.”
“It’s high school, Jay.” Jared looked up at Chad, who smiled a little and shrugged. “We’re supposed to fuck up here.”
“You’re our friend,” Danneel said, her voice strained as she looked at the table, obviously thinking of Riley. “And you got what you deserved. Including that punch to the face. We can forgive you.” She laughed a little then, and they all turned to her. “Fucking Riley. I sure know how to pick ‘em, huh?”
Genevieve put a hand on her shoulder. “Hey, it’s not like you bent over backwards for him. You were pretty much already broken up.” Gen paused, then smirked and added, “Again.”
They all laughed, but Jared didn’t join in, butterflies in his stomach. He looked around at them, deciding that he still had to come clean. He’d done it yesterday, and that had involved people he cared a whole lot less about. “Hey, guys?” They turned to him, and he took a moment, swallowing. “There’s something I think I should tell you.” He laughed awkwardly, a wince accompanying the sound rather than a smile. “It’s probably going around the school after yesterday and everything else that’s happened, and I think you should hear it from me.” He closed his eyes and sighed deeply, hands clenching over his knees. He had to stop thinking about it and just say it, before he lost the courage. “I’m gay.”
If there was any shock amongst his friends, it was short-lived. But then, thanks to Riley, they already knew all about the incident in Minnesota. That had to have clued them in to something.
Sandy smiled and reached over to pat his knee. “So, you really do love him, then?”
“Yeah,” Jared admitted, relaxing in front of them. He decided that it felt better, being honest, especially when met with acceptance. “Yeah, I do.”
“Does that mean you won’t go to prom with me?” Gen asked, playfully pouting.
Jared laughed. “Man, I almost forgot.” His laughter died then, unsure of what to do. They had talked about it long ago, just going as friends if they didn’t have significant others, but then there was Jensen. Jensen wasn’t exactly talking to him, though.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” Gen said, shrugging it off. “No big deal.”
“No, it’s okay,” Jared said, making up his mind. He’d made a promise, and he was going to keep it. “I’ll go. I’ll take you.”
They split up for classes, and Jensen walked into pre-calc looking exhausted but a little bit lighter. Jared hadn’t realized that he could see the weight on Jensen’s shoulders before, warring emotions raging inside of him. Jensen’s shoulders sagged, but not with the weight of two years of hardship stacked up on him or with the books in his schoolbag. They sagged with the release of those two years. Jensen wasn’t carrying anything anymore. He’d let it go.
Jared’s heart went out to Jensen, and he wanted to hug him, to say something, but he couldn’t. He watched intently as Jensen walked to their aisle and then down it, towards the seat in front of him. Everything seemed to stop when Jensen glanced up at him quickly, muttering a small, “Hey.”
“Hey,” Jared said back, happy for even such a small acknowledgement. To his surprise, Jensen even nodded over at Chad, who nodded back. Jared smiled. It was a start, and he wasn’t going to push it. He’d just take whatever he could get.
He spent the weekend hanging out with Chad and coordinating things for the prom with Genevieve. It felt like he was getting back to being the person he was before he’d even heard the name Jensen Ackles. But that was the one thing that he felt was wrong. He wanted to hear the name Jensen Ackles. Jensen was the one thing that Jared felt he was missing in his life. Seeing him in school wasn’t enough.
That Monday was the first of March. Jared watched as Jensen walked into pre-calc. He watched as Singer stopped him, and his ears perked up when Singer spoke to Jensen, catching words that sounded so very important at a time like this. He saw Jensen smile politely at Singer, and that’s when he decided he had to do something. He wrote a quick note to Chad and passed it over. He shared the news with the girls when he got to lunch, and they were allowed access to the computer lab with the time they had after eating, all of them running by Jensen’s locker. Jared was giving Jensen space and time, but he couldn’t let today go by without doing something a little special for him.
Part 5