candy crushing!; 談戀愛!; 2/2
★
(pls hover for translation of that one line of chinese)
The tall soft serve collapses and falls to the ground before Jongin could even lick it and Lu Han giggles until his own drops with a soft splat to the ground too. They both turn to glare at the soft serve vendor who just whistles and averts his eyes.
“Good riddance,” Jongin grins at Lu Han, eyes squinting against the sun.
“How dare you.” There’s a lack of crunch as Lu Han bites threateningly into the stale cone. It’s delicious, anyway. Everything is a billion times better today. Stale cones, fallen soft serve, the sticky summer heat, Jongin. Everything is lovely.
There are people milling in Myeongdong everywhere since it’s Sunday and it will forever remain a mystery as to why people prefer to stay out and clog the streets instead of lazing in bed all day. Lu Han and Jongin are waddling through the crowd like penguins, with Jongin draped all over Lu Han’s backpack. It starts with a hand on his bag, soon it progresses to two hands. Lu Han glimpses over his shoulder when he feels some weight on his bag, only to find himself glancing right into Jongin’s eyes.
“Hyung.” There’s a mulish expression on Jongin’s face and suddenly, he’s clinging onto Lu Han’s bag like it’s the fucking last life jacket and he’s on a sinking Titanic. Why die alone though, when there’s Lu Han right there.
Screw sinking, Lu Han is feeling like he’s free-falling all the way to the pits of hell. His head snaps around so fast, he’s amazed all that results in is a crick from his neck. “A-are you alright, Jonginnie?” Although it’s obvious that if anyone needs any help right now, it’d be Lu Han. Please don’t touch me, he wants to beg, don’t look at me, I’m a tiny tiny mimosa, just let me lie quietly in the mud.
Crushes are fun. You sail on a high with just a smile from them, even if it’s not meant for you. They urge you to sleep with promises of a tomorrow with them in it. Crushes are fun. But they have to stay crushes.
Lu Han doesn’t think he would ever want to hold his crush’s hand like how he wants to hold Jongin’s hand.
But Jongin doesn’t answer Lu Han’s silent pleading, he just shifts to a more comfortable position which means putting his chin on Lu Han’s shoulder and pushing him forward as if to say, move, because Lu Han has stopped dead in the middle of the street.
Lu Han pouts at a middle aged man walking past them. The man takes a look at Jongin sprawled over Lu Han’s back and mutters loud enough for them to hear, “What’s the great deal about being in love?” Drops the nuke and then trudges away like it’s none of his business. Asshole ajusshi.
Lu Han and Jongin both gape at each other.
“I’m not in love!” sputters Lu Han. He holds his hands up as if to defend himself against the accusation.
“I’m, I’m not in love too.” To his surprise, Jongin blinks before lowering his head.
“Jonginnie…are you blushing?” Lu Han bends a bit so he could peer into Jongin’s face.
Jongin shakes his head three times, but he still refuses to lift his eyes.
“Ok, so we’re just two people who aren’t in love here,” Lu Han says slowly and clearly, in case anyone misunderstands the situation.
Jongin flickers his eyes from left to right before he nods. Lu Han nods along. Although both of them appear displeased with the conclusion.
“Right, I’m not in love,” Lu Han repeats but only out of defiance.
It takes some time but Jongin eventually raises his head “Really?” he asks meekly.
“Um.”
They mope around for a while but well, someone has to be the hyung around here. Biting his lower lip, Lu Han grabs the hem of the blue plaid shirt that he has on over a white tee and stuffs it into Jongin’s loose fist. Taken aback by Lu Han, the hem drops before Jongin could clench his fist.
Scowling, Lu Han takes the hem of his shirt and stuffs it again into Jongin’s fist. This time, he hangs on tight, tugging on Lu Han’s shirt like a lifeline. “Let’s go!” Lu Han snarls but Jongin just smiles at the sudden and unnecessary fierceness his hyung is exhibiting and begins to follow him while he battles his way through the sea of people.
This isn’t hand holding but Lu Han reckons everything has to start somewhere. Baby steps.
They plough their way through into a record store and Jongin picks up an album. His black bangs fall into his eyes as he lowers his head and out of habit, he lifts a finger and begins swiping it across his lower lip in contemplating. Lu Han stares at that profile for some time before he remembers to look away, pretending to flip through some records. When he next looks over, Jongin has a pair of headphones on, volume up so high, Lu Han can hear the beat.
“Jongin?” Lu Han mutters under his breath. But it’s too soft and his name gets lost in music.
“Jongin…nie?” Jongin is beginning to bob his head to the beat, however.
“Jonginnie,” Lu Han almost shouts and Jongin finally looks over. But Lu Han just shakes his head and stops Jongin from removing the headphones by clasping his hands over Jongin’s ears. His heart is beating so fast, he thinks it’s going to burst any moment. Lu Han has never thought it possible to contain so much anxiety and love in his being. So this is how it feels like, to offer his heart to someone who might not want it. Maybe that’s why most people just give up, like what Lu Han is doing now.
“Hyung?” Jongin asks when Lu Han releases his faint grip.
“It’s nothing,” quips Lu Han, picking up another record he has no interest in. But it isn’t nothing, he eventually decides. “Just something stupid.”
★
The day of the photoshoot is finally here and Lu Han has been working since the break of dawn, trying to set up everything. He frets over the wilting bouquet and laments over how the pink of the ribbon clashes with the sunflowers, that poor blind florist. So he pulls a stalk out and decides that will do. Causal is the theme, anyway.
Jongin is there, too, not that he minds since Lu Han doesn’t see Jongin as a crush now. The infatuation has evolved, he genuinely likes Jongin as a friend. More than a friend, to be honest, but Lu Han is content with the way things are going. He has no issues being his normal self with Jongin anymore, which is really kind of tragic since the normal Lu Han is incapable of acting his age. Right now, he’s chasing Jongin around the beach with an orange balloon in his hand because he just found out Jongin is terrified of them.
“Hyung!” Jongin shouts when Lu Han bounces the balloon off him with a boisterous laugh.
Changmin really gets his wish with the summer themed wedding shoot. But of course, he gets it only because Victoria also gets her old Shanghai wish granted. The sun is high up in the sky, the sand is scorching and Lu Han is sneakily blowing up yet another balloon to terrorize Jongin with. Bully the one you like, in true mature and typical Lu Han fashion.
The photographer stops his bullying then and asks the two of them to get up on the bonnet of the yellow vintage Volkswagen Bettle that’s parked obnoxiously in the middle of the beach. It’s a Tuesday though and except for some tourists, the beach is sparsely occupied.
“Please get up on the bonnet, I need to set up the camera.” The photographer is a middle aged man and he’s sweating profusely in the mid-day heat.
Lu Han and Jongin trudge over to the car. They kick off their flip flops and leap onto the hood. Immediately, they both whipped around and begin to scream bloody murder in each other’s face. “Ahhh!” Lu Han shrieks at Jongin before he rolls himself off the red-hot hood. Jongin flies off the hood too and they are clutching their butts and screaming at each other. “My butt! My butt!” Lu Han yips, meanwhile Jongin jumps on the spot and makes wounded animal sounds.
Then all of a sudden, the screaming morphs into laughter. Jongin grabs Lu Han’s wrists and pulls him close, face buried into his shoulder, body trembling with the force of his laugh. They eventually end up collapsing on top of each other, howling and yowling, before they go ‘oof oof’ and tapdance on top of the heated sand. Jongin’s skin is just as warm and the intimacy feels good even as peals of laughter escape from them. Lu Han is laughing so hard he can’t even get up so Jongin rolls him across the beach, all the way to the water so he can cool off. Lu Han screams the entire roll there and stops only when he chokes on sand.
“I need to get the camera set up,” the photographer says remorsefully to his equipment. But it’s summer and they’re at the beach, who cares about work?
“Better now?” Jongin grins at Lu Han who’s semi-submerged into the water.
“Almost.” Lu Han beams up at him, eyes all crinkled up with mischief. And suddenly, he’s lunging at Jongin, pushing him into the water, grasping fistfuls of sand and stuffing them down the back of his tee while Jongin flops around like spawning salmon. Lu Han’s hair is sticking up in all directions, shirt rolled up to reveal a strip of skin in his struggle with Jongin, and he is the one doing the bullying but also the one filling the beach with sissy yelps. His eyes are crazed and he looks positively demonic as he shovels sand onto Jongin, clearly one of those
“Wait! Hyung! My waist, I think I hurt it,” pants Jongin, putting on a lame show but Lu Han buys it like a birdie sweater on sale anyway.
“Huh?” To Jongin’s amazement, Lu Han really ceases his childish antics and his mouth goes slack as he tries to figure out where Jongin hurt himself.
“I’m sorry,” Jongin says calmly and smiles at the bewildered Lu Han before he takes revenge, tickling Lu Han’s sides. Whatever Lu Han is about to say transforms into gasps of mirth as his knees give way and he ends up pinching Jongin’s cheeks half-heartedly to make him stop.
The cries come to a halt though, when Lu Han realizes Jongin has stopped his tickling and is just grinning up at him. “What?” He deliberately pats Jongin’s cheeks, leaving behind streaks of sand on his face. It dawns on him then, that he is now straddling Jongin’s hips in the shallow waters and a tourist is looking on with amusement. Giggling, Lu Han gets off Jongin and flops down beside him on wet sand.
They lie like that for some time, the sun baking the sand on them before Jongin starts talking. “I thought you didn’t like me back then,” he confesses, “you seem to like a lot of people, get along well with everyone except me.”
This is so far away from the truth that Lu Han shoots right up. “I don’t!” There’s alarm on his face and his hair is now flat with water dripping off the ends, so Lu Han looks silly right now but Jongin just turns and smiles at him. “I know that now.”
With a ‘plop’, Lu Han goes back down on the sand. “I’m not so good with words,” he lies softly. The truth is, Lu Han is good with words but he’s just not good at being himself around the one he likes.
“I’m not good at making friends.” Jongin’s reply is equally gentle and the sea breeze nearly snatches it away from Lu Han. “But I’m glad we are friends now.” He grabs a handful of sand and begins to shampoo Lu Han’s hair with it.
Lu Han groans because he wants to nestle closer into Jongin’s touch but he’s not sure if he could bear being so near him. “No, you are wrong. I hate you.”
“Hyung…” As far as whiny voices go, that’s certainly a rare ageyo from Jongin. This is so unfair, Lu Han wants to stick his face into the sand and becomes an ostrich so he doesn’t need to see Jongin’s mock sadness, no matter how cutie pie it is.
Lu Han doesn’t react, however, because he would actually like to be more than friends with Jongin but he doesn’t know how to approach that subject. Is it really so hard to just say ‘I like a lot of people, but I like you best’? Lu Han doesn’t know. So he lies there and just lets Jongin run his fingers through his hair, picking out all the sand he rubbed in.
“Hey,” Lu Han attempts.
“Hmm?” replies Jongin, still trying to get the sand out of Lu Han’s hair. He’s lying on his side, facing Lu Han, a small scowl between his brows as he focuses on the task at hand. Jongin’s thumb strokes the curve of Lu Han’s earlobe by accident and the latter has to repress a shiver.
“Jongin,” Lu Han says, a little louder this time.
“Huh?” A smile blooms on Jongin’s face and Lu Han beams, too. The ends of his eyes thin and the stars in them light up Jongin’s world. Lu Han likes it when Jongin smiles at him. He closes his eyes and laughs in earnest, the sound of the waves in his ears like music and Jongin’s smile imprinted behind his eyelids. The universe lies somewhere behind them.
Something like a breath flits across his cheek and Lu Han is suddenly afraid to move.
“There’s sand near your eyes.” The words are whispered against his lips and Lu Han eyes slowly drift open to look into Jongin’s. His fingers are stroking the soft skin beneath Lu Han’s eyes, touch lingering like pain. A cloud hides the sun behind it for a moment and the shadows vanish from Lu Han’s face. Is it obvious now, he wonders. If so, he wouldn’t need to say it and make it all wrong then.
“Jonginnie,” Lu Han says simply, because it’s easier this way. And the sun comes out then, hiding all the answers Jongin wants to hear in the shadows.
“What?” Jongin is patient. He waits, fingers now tapping the water, sending ripples right into Lu Han’s heart.
“Nothing.” But there’s the promise of everything in Lu Han’s voice.
Jongin nods like he understands and Lu Han grasps the hand that’s held out to him without question. They get up and make to stroll back to the set. Jongin is patient and Lu Han’s hand is released before it gets warm.
Wait, and stories will unfold.
★
Lu Han is lying on his stomach watching television when Kris arrives home. When he sees Kris, Lu Han starts taking off his pants.
Kris lifts his eyebrows. “Thanks for trying to welcome me home but a beer will suffice.”
“I’m stripping.”
“Yes, I can see that and I’m trying to stop you.”
Lu Han pulls his lips down. “I burned my butt cheeks.”
Making to sit on the couch beside Lu Han, Kris says, “I don’t understand.”
“Wo de pi gu-,” Lu Han tries to repeat himself in Chinese.
“That was uncalled for,” Kris booms and drowns out Lu Han, “I understood you perfectly the first time.”
“Why did you ask then.” The frown on Lu Han’s face intensifies.
“I’ll have you know that this is going straight to the top of my list of Undesirable Knowledge, but I still feel obliged to ask why.”
“I was on the bonnet of the car with Jongin-” Lu Han begins.
“-and you had sex,” Kris finishes.
“…I don’t understand how you arrived at this conclusion.”
“Did Jongin burn his dick?”
Lu Han delivers a kick at Kris’ tummy but Kris just grabs hold of his heel. “Help me spread ointment on my butt,” whines Lu Han as he wrenches his foot free.
Kris looks offended by the request. “Do it yourself.”
“I can’t see,” Lu Han pouts. “We’ve known each other for years and you’re not even going to help me spread ointment on my butt? Who was the one who got you medicine when you were down with fever a month ago? And regardless how badly you were poisoned back then, who was the one who cooked for you?”
When put this way, Kris really does seem like an ungrateful friend for not wanting to touch Lu Han’s ass. So he heaves a deep sigh and reaches for the jar of ointment that Lu Han has left on the coffee table. “Whatever you do, don’t turn around,” he warns as Lu Han pulls his pants down past his butt and lies down on the couch once again.
“I charge for that, mind you.”
“Don’t poke my butt,” Lu Han protests a minute later when all Kris does it to stab at his ass cheeks with dabs of ointment on the tip of his index finger. Then he releases a sigh of his own. “How do you tell someone you like him, Kris?”
“Are you trying to have a heart-to-heart talk with me while I’m touching your butt?”
“When would you prefer to have it then?” Lu Han’s voice is muffled against the cushion.
“How about never?” Kris stabs Lu Han’s right butt cheek with a finger and it jiggles. This gravely disturbs Kris so he stops.
“How?” Lu Han persists and Kris pauses to think for a while.
“Kris?”
“Yes?”
“Please don’t tap your fingers on my ass while you’re deep in thought.”
“Oh. Right.”
“Thank you.”
“Well,” says Kris after a while, “I guess if the person is important enough, you will say it, eventually.”
This is such a lacking answer that Lu Han turns around to scowl at Kris. “Jongin matters,” he finally says.
“Then why?” Kris mutters to himself, wiping his hand on Lu Han’s pants.
“Why what?” At this, Kris gives Lu Han’s butt a light slap in reprimand for his dumbassery. Lu Han takes offence at that. “Are you sure this isn’t an outrage of my modesty?”
“Why,” Kris says lowly, as if he hasn’t just molested anyone, “are you lying down here, making me grope your butt against my will, instead of putting on your pants and being out there kissing him senseless?” There’s great patience etched into every single word.
“Why would I…”
“Why not?”
Lu Han stops breathing for a while. A second later, he’s jumping up, yelping as he pulls pants over his burned buttcheeks. “Wow Kris! Are you sappy or what!” He makes to grab his bag from his room and then he’s zipping out the door.
“Just doing my bit as the residential love sage and saving up good karma for when I reincarnate,” Kris says to no one and he’s off the couch to wash his sinful hands in the toilet when there’s a series of hurried footsteps and Lu Han appears at the door again.
“Hey,” he says breathily and ducks his head, “thank you.”
Kris lowers his head and inspects the ointment gleaming off his hands. “Is this the legendary Friendship moment? Am I supposed to fly over and hug you now becau-”
“Oh, shut up.” Lu Han throws an empty shoe box at him.
★
There is little good karma to be found, however, when Kris settles into bed after washing his hands to read the latest message from Piao Canlie.
i’m sorry, gege, but school is keeping me really busy and i’ve got to cancel our me3tign. is that find?
meeting! sorry on the phone now T_T
This is the fourth time you’re canceling on me, Puppy.
hyung, Piao Canlie replies, shedding his fake Chinese identity, how am i supposed to take responsibility for our love when i can’t even take responsibility for myself
The word ‘love’ shakes Kris to the core of his being. He claps a hand over his mouth in astonishment. Is this it? Is this love? What is love? Kris checks it on Naver. But the first result that pops up is What is Love - Exo K and he closes the tab angrily. Boybands disrupt lives.
Still, the fast thump thump of his heart tells him that this must be it. Kris kicks excitedly around on his bed for a bit before getting up to type his reply in all seriousness. It ends up sounding like a promise.
I will wait for you.
Kris counts a slow eighteen seconds.
be good, gege!! ^^
He might have whimpered. It is still uncertain whether the sound Kris made could have been categorized as a whimper.
I will be good.
★
Lu Han runs as fast as he can, which isn’t very fast because of his injured ass, so Jongin is already waiting for him when he reaches. It’s almost ten p.m. but still a young night for the everlasting streetlights of Myeongdong. They are meeting at the exit of Myeongdong metro station, where they did a week before when they went shopping.
“Can I be honest with you?” Lu Han bends over and pants, the bright lights accentuating the twinkle in his eyes.
Jongin should be bewildered, as anyone would be when they are asked out with a flustered phone call in the middle of the night. But he soothes out his harsh breathing and answers, “I’m waiting.” As he has always been.
“I burned my butt!” shouts Lu Han.
Jongin nods slowly to show his comprehension, then he shakes his head. “You called me out just to tell me you burned your butt?”
“No,” Lu Han says weakly, “I’m just opening up with this because it’s the easiest.” Then he takes a deep breath. “Stay right here.” Lu Han looks really serious, so Jongin folds his smile away and nods again, “Right here waiting.”
Turning, Lu Han makes to cross the road and he’s now separated from Jongin with a street between them. Just like how they were a week ago, except this time neither is grinning. Lu Han is nervous. His heart is beating so fast, he thinks it’s going to burst any moment. Lu Han has never thought it possible to contain so much anxiety and love in his being. So this is how it feels like, to offer his heart to someone who might not want it. It seems silly to put himself out there for perhaps, nothing in return, but people in love are a little wonky in the head and you just gotta forgive them for that.
“I like your smile,” Lu Han shouts from across the street, riding on a rush of adrenaline, before logic could step in and stop him. The words gush out of him like butterflies that have been trapped for too long a time, and the moment has come for all of them to take flight. “I like it best when you smile at me because.” But Lu Han stops simply because he doesn’t know how to go on. It sounds too stupid.
Here, Jongin mouths a ‘what’ at him, like how Lu Han had beckoned him so. There’s a tiny smile toying with Jongin’s lips now and Lu Han feels that same burst of euphoria within him, so bright and fierce that even the anxiety isn’t able to drown it out. And he says the following, so slowly and carefully and loudly that nothing in the world could steal them away from Jongin.
“Because it makes me smile, too. Because the fact that you’re happy makes me ridiculously happy, too.”
★
Lu Han leads Jongin to the spot where their soft serve cones died. The soft serve seller is still the same but Lu Han doesn’t spare him a single glance, just rounds on Jongin and says, while he peers into his eyes. “This is where our soft serve fell.” his right foot taps on an indistinguishable spot on the road. Jongin is pretty sure their ice cream fell at another spot but what’s the point in correcting something in a moment when everything seems so right?
“I remember thinking then, that you make everything better,” says Lu Han softly, although he’s referring to something much more than soft serve. He doesn’t know if Jongin is really good, or what could even be considered good. But what Lu Han does know is that Jongin is good for him. “I remember thinking it’s awfully silly, but also awfully true.”
“Even the demise of ice cream?” Jongin teases and Lu Han finds himself wanting to punch him a little. But every single one of Jongin’s reactions so far screams reciprocation, so he forgives him.
“Everything.”
★
“I like your voice.” Lu Han brakes without warning in the middle of the busy street, and Jongin thinks he must have recalled something important.
But there’s just that.
★
They linger much too long in front of a boutique because Lu Han’s wits are on the verge of dispersing like fickle thoughts, which is rather untimely since the salesgirl is beginning to stare at them. “Hyung…” Jongin says but, “OH FUCK IT!” Lu Han suddenly shouts and the salesgirl backs fast and furiously away from them.
“I lied when I said I wasn’t in,” Lu Han snaps in frustration (one sure sign of BTC, actually) and makes an angry swipe at the air that’s perhaps meant to convey the embarrassingly foolish word ‘love’. Jongin grins because two liars make a pair of sneaks. “And what I had wanted to put in your hand wasn’t my shirt. It’s…” he unceremoniously stuffs his own hand into Jongin’s hand and squeezes it. Lu Han smiles a little ruefully to himself because this isn’t how he imagined it’d be like to hold hands with Jongin. He had imagined a pressure not unlike his own; holding on with the same intention of never letting go. But sometimes, people just have to let go, even if it has never been their intention. So in the next second, he allows his grip to grow limp.
That’s when he discovers that Jongin has been holding his hand all this while, too. Perhaps not as strong a grip as Lu Han but hey, even the word ‘game’ has more than one definition, so why not love? Since most certainly agree that it’s not a game, although it usually makes a person feel like one. They might not agree to love the same, but they can still agree to be in love.
“Don’t let go so easily,” chides Jongin before he pulls on Lu Han’s hand, leading him to their final stop. “The record store, right?”
Lu Han can only nod dumbly because Jongin’s hand is sucking all the IQ out of him.
★
Jongin lets Lu Han tuck an album into his hand and arranges his limbs such that he’s bent slight forward, bangs flopping into his eyes, a finger against his lips. “What,” he tries to say but Lu Han doesn’t allow him to utter a word.
“This, like this,” he says reluctantly, as if he doesn’t want to say it at all, “I memorized this.” The way you look at the back of a record. The way your eyes squint when you laugh. The way you sing along softly to a song when you think no one’s listening. The mundanity of you.
This is getting more and more difficult and Lu Han can’t even meet Jongin’s eyes anymore, so he doesn’t see them soften, doesn’t see them squint as Jongin smiles. He only makes to remove a pair of headphones from the sampling booth and put them on Jongin, hands pressing them over his ears. Nothing is on play except the leap of his pulse. Lu Han appears to struggle, large eyes flitting uncertainly until Jongin takes pity on him. Then, his shoulders sag and those gentle eyes seem really sad when they finally look at Jongin. “I can’t.” It sounds like he’s delivering his own verdict.
Lu Han pushes the headphones off Jongin’s ears until they’re resting on his neck. The ends of his mouth are tugged down and the rims of his eyes are going a little red. “I want to say it to you, but I don’t how to make it right. You know, don’t you? I want this,” he stresses the word, although he doesn’t define what ‘this’ means, “to be ok.” Then Lu Han actually looks defeated. “Please don’t think I’m crazy,” he whispers mournfully, since his personal opinion on that is just as depressing.
Perhaps there’s nothing more to hide, perhaps all the hints to Jongin’s answer have already been aligned, but Lu Han still wants to be able to say it out by himself.
“I don’t think you’re crazy,” Jongin says, bemused and exasperated. Lu Han appears so tiny and pitiful now, Jongin suspects he’s going to start bleating anytime. “Let me say it for you.”
“What?” Lu Han really did bleat then. Jongin laughs and oh, how is it possible for Lu Han to love Jongin so much and still burn with the desire to slap him to death with an album?
“Lu Han hyung,” Jongin begins with mock seriousness.
“What!” snips Lu Han, all his sappy mortification already evaporated.
“Lu Hannie hyung.” This is gross. Lu Han likes it.
“Yeah..”
“Hannie.” Jongin and Lu Han both cough a little in embarrassment. So does the salesperson who’s eavesdropping nearby.
“Yes?” Cough, cough, goes Lu Han.
“Hunny?”
“Huh?”
“Nothing,” Jongin lowers his head quickly and he’s trying to bury his head in the collar of his tee again.
“Tell me,” Lu Han urges him, lifting his chin up. But Jongin escapes and repeats, “I said nothing.”
“Tell me!” Lu Han shouts, following Jongin out of the store, being so goddamn persistent although he already knows.
Jongin flees so he doesn’t ever need to explain why his face is red. “Nothing!”
But there’s the promise of everything in Jongin’s voice.
★
The very next day, while Changmin and Victoria are at the hotel ballroom, doing their final inspection of the wedding decorations, Lu Han is wasting away rather irresponsibly at a table not too far away. His mind is drifting off with wanderlust, fingers drawing invisible fat little hearts on the table-top. He has just finished drawing one half of a particularly loop sided heart when his finger gets interrupted by another.
Grinning at Lu Han’s chagrin, Jongin just settles down beside him and completes the other side of the heart. It’s an ugly ugly heart. Lu Han lifts his brows at Jongin. Jongin lifts his brows in reply.
Looks like a taunt.
With a ‘hmmp!’, Lu Han lightly sweeps his hand across the table as if he’s flipping those tiny hearts off the table. All these wasted pining.
“Are you angry, Lu Han?” Whatever happened to Hannie? Lu Han wanders.
“What makes you think that, Jongin?” Whatever happened to Jonginnie? Jongin wanders.
“Oh, I don’t know, you seem pretty mad last night.” Jongin starts replenishing the hearts by drawing some invisible ones of his own.
Lu Han seethes but widens his eyes as if he’s surprised by Jongin’s words. “Who? Me? Couldn’t be!” Then who? he almost blurts out. “Speaking of which, you seemed rather flustered last night at the end, why, I would have sworn you were blushing like someone who’s in love for the first time.”
“Really, hyung?” Jongin beams brightly at Lu Han, not taking the bait. “Perhaps you were just looking into a mirror.”
Oh, now I’m hyung. Lu Han smiles sweetly in retaliation and settles for looking just lovely. Jongin begins blinking and backing away as if someone assaulted him physically.
“Now, now, fair play please.” He wags a chastising finger.
“Fair play? What’s that?” A sly grin bends Lu Han’s eyes into twinkling crescents.
“Can you two stop flirting? We’re trying to get married here.” Victoria walks over and slams both hands down on the table, squashing all of Jongin’s hearts.
“Hmm, were we flirting?” There’s puzzlement on Jongin’s face and he seems genuinely befuddled when he glances over at Lu Han.
Lu Han is not a half-bad actor too. Titling his head to one side, he pouts, “I’m not sure, Jongin, what do you think?”
“Let me think.” And there’s a pause because Jongin really seems to be immersed in deep deliberation for a while.
Victoria gives Lu Han an incredulous look but her friend only nods and says with great understanding, “Shush, let him think.”
“I guess we were just having a small chat.” Jongin shrugs eventually after his pretend-think act.
“Small chat it is. Song Qian sshi, can we please be clear on that?” Lu Han turns to Victoria and asks politely.
“Best to clear up any misunderstandings,” quips Jongin as he looks up at the raging bride.
“No one is flirting around here.” Lu Han shakes his head regretfully because nope, romantic feelings are not here.
“No one is having a crush on another here.” Jongin nods gravely.
“No one is in love.” Lu Ha clucks his tongue with a note of finality. But everyone present is, and one’s being particularly vocal about it.
“I am!” Changmin raises his hand and hollers in the background. He is ignored, even by Victoria who has taken a step back to enjoy the bickering between Lu Han and Jongin.
Drawing another heart on the table-top, Jongin’s lips stretches into a wide grin. This is getting rather ridiculous. He looks up at Lu Han and discovers the cheeky smile on his face too. Jongin reaches for Lu Han’s right hand, opens it up and carefully traces a perfect heart on it. “I’m not in love with you,” he mumbles before chuckling softly.
Lu Han is smiling so hard, he doesn’t think his cheekbones can stand it anymore. He draws his hand back, fingers tightening into a fist, clutching Jongin’s heart tight. “I’m not in love with you either.” He grins up into the ceiling because he isn’t sure where else to look. This isn’t that hard. Lu Han’s right. Jongin makes everything better.
“Are you guys confessing? Is this some say-&-mean-the-opposite game? Oh God, this is obscene .” This turn of events greatly displeases Victoria who has been looking forward to a fiery row. It’s stressful getting married and nothing is more distressing than fueling a lover’s spat, watching people get miserable over love, all the sadistic things in the world, et cetera.
“This is mine now,” Lu Han declares, holding his right fist up.
“All yours,” says Jongin before facepalming at all his sap.
At least Lu Han still has the decency to blush.
★
Fuschia is the color theme for the wedding. Lu Han has been against it although it’s an auspicious color as young couples tend to avoid red and pink since they prefer more trendy decorations. But the pink hydrangea and peony centerpieces with the strands of crystals that hang from them are beautiful. There are pink petals scattered on tables set with fuschia colored napkins and candles placed in little glasses are everywhere. The wedding favor is placed neatly on top of every napkin. It is a pair of peach colored round chopsticks with gold tips and has Song Qian and Changmin engraved separately on each of the chopstick. The decorations are contemporary but the colors used are traditional. It isn’t a heady mix, rather, it’s a delicate balance of the two.
“Not bad, Jongin.” The white of his suit compliments the flush on Lu Han’s cheeks. They stand at the entrance of the ballroom, examining the decorations and making sure things are running along according to schedule. Right now, guests are starting to filter into the room.
“Thanks to you.” It’s no thanks to Lu Han, actually, but Jongin did learn a lot from him. Ignoring the blazer, Jongin only has on a black shirt but at least he’s keeping his tie on. The black of his shirt compliments Lu Han’s white suit.
It’s unfashionable for the ex-boyfriend to show up at the wedding but Kris turns up anyway.
“Hello, it’s been a long time,” says Victoria distantly, holding out her hand all primly. The fake diamonds in her lashes glimmer harshly, although the lighting in the ballroom is soft. But Kris ignores the hand and gives her a warm hug instead. “Be happy,” he whispers in her ear, his words drowning out the crowd. Just like old times.
“You look beautiful.” The proper and acceptable greeting which everyone says to the bride is done only after he releases her. Nostalgia causes something to well up unexpectedly in Victoria’s eyes so she only nods stiffly before heading off to join the groom.
“It’s not a good time for you to show up,” Lu Han says reproachfully.
“There will never be a good time, anyway.” That’s true, so Lu Han fusses with Jongin’s tie again.
“Hi, Jongin,” Kris greets. It’s their first time meeting each other. There’s a gummy smile on his face and Lu Han narrows his eyes suspiciously at him.
“Nice to meet you,” Jongin replies over Lu Han’s head. The gummy smile turns gummier. Trying to guide Jongin out of danger zone, Lu Han tugs on his hand. “Come on, let’s go make sure the sound system is-”
“How’s your butt, Lu Han?” Kris half-shouts and Jongin stops. “Just let me know anytime you need help checking it out again.”
All chin control just went sailing right out the window as Lu Han’s chin meets his collarbones.
“Your…butt?” asks Jongin cautiously.
“I touched it,” Kris explains kindly in case Jongin failed to misunderstand, “I touched it because Lu Han forced me to.”
“Ok, hang on, it’s only because I burned my butt!” Lu Han spits out.
“You should have called me…” says Jongin petulantly, snuffing the tip of his black leather shoe into the posh carpet of the ballroom.
Lu Han wants to cry. “I really don’t think I want my love interest to apply ointment on my burned butt…”
Jonginnie takes Lu Han’s hand. “Please call me the next time you burn your butt, Hannie.”
Lu Han places a hand over his and says remorsefully. “I don’t think I will ever burn my butt again, Innie.”
“Are they always this vile?” The curious Kris asks the groom who has sauntered over nearby to greet the guests.
But Changmin only sniffs, “Shut up, I hate you.”
★
When the groom is asked to kiss the bride, Lu Han leans forward expectedly. To watch the show, of course, who asks for a kiss like that?
(Lu Han, duh.)
Taking the hint, Jongin tilts his head and presses soft lips against Lu Han’s. The kiss is as light as the summer breeze in his hair and as short as a lifetime.
With his eyes still closed, Lu Han smiles and finally says what he has always wanted to say to Jongin.
“Hey, I love you.”
★
Almost a year later, Kris sits in a silly little café with teapots that have bees on them and chairs too small for him. The evening crowd is sparse in Mollycoddlers, which suits Kris fine since he’s all up for some mollycoddling of his own. All the Renren conversations he had with Piao-Park Chanyeol (Puppy has allowed him to use his Korean name now) were cute but the time has come for their love to spill over into real life. Chanyeol graduated from college three months ago and today is his first day of work. To commemorate the day, he arranges to meet up with Kris.
There’s concealer beneath Kris’s eyes because he has lost sleep ever since they set the date. He keeps checking the time although there’s no point in doing that since it’s his own fault that he arrived a whole hour earlier. What would Chanyeol look like in real life? Would he think I’m a slob if I place my coffee spoon on the table? Oh, there’s a spot of spilled coffee, best to clean it up before Chanyeol arrives. I haven’t uploaded new pictures in a while, what if he doesn’t like my short hair? Shit, shit, shit, Kris thinks and wonders if he should take a picture now and send it to Chanyeol in order to cushion any potential real life-shock.
Being Renren-famous really doesn’t help at all when he’s hopelessly infatuated with another.
Kris drowns his nervousness with copious amounts of flat white and ends up needing the loo just before 7 p.m., which is the time they agreed to meet. When he returns to his table, he finds a young man sitting in the seat opposite and his footsteps stutter.
Chanyeol takes an eternity to swivel around in his seat to face Kris (in fact, it took him half a second but that scene always happens in slow motion whenever Kris recalls the first time they met). He is beautiful, beautiful and beautiful. Kris is in love, is it obvious?
“Hello, gege!” And those are Chanyeol’s smiley eyes in real life. They are the most adorable things Kris has ever laid his eyes on. He lowers his head and a flush slyly creeps up his neck.
“Hello, Puppy.”
★
hello, puppy
this is so cheesy it deserves to be on a pizza
the fic, not fansite
(pls hover for translation of that one line of chinese)
The tall soft serve collapses and falls to the ground before Jongin could even lick it and Lu Han giggles until his own drops with a soft splat to the ground too. They both turn to glare at the soft serve vendor who just whistles and averts his eyes.
“Good riddance,” Jongin grins at Lu Han, eyes squinting against the sun.
“How dare you.” There’s a lack of crunch as Lu Han bites threateningly into the stale cone. It’s delicious, anyway. Everything is a billion times better today. Stale cones, fallen soft serve, the sticky summer heat, Jongin. Everything is lovely.
There are people milling in Myeongdong everywhere since it’s Sunday and it will forever remain a mystery as to why people prefer to stay out and clog the streets instead of lazing in bed all day. Lu Han and Jongin are waddling through the crowd like penguins, with Jongin draped all over Lu Han’s backpack. It starts with a hand on his bag, soon it progresses to two hands. Lu Han glimpses over his shoulder when he feels some weight on his bag, only to find himself glancing right into Jongin’s eyes.
“Hyung.” There’s a mulish expression on Jongin’s face and suddenly, he’s clinging onto Lu Han’s bag like it’s the fucking last life jacket and he’s on a sinking Titanic. Why die alone though, when there’s Lu Han right there.
Screw sinking, Lu Han is feeling like he’s free-falling all the way to the pits of hell. His head snaps around so fast, he’s amazed all that results in is a crick from his neck. “A-are you alright, Jonginnie?” Although it’s obvious that if anyone needs any help right now, it’d be Lu Han. Please don’t touch me, he wants to beg, don’t look at me, I’m a tiny tiny mimosa, just let me lie quietly in the mud.
Crushes are fun. You sail on a high with just a smile from them, even if it’s not meant for you. They urge you to sleep with promises of a tomorrow with them in it. Crushes are fun. But they have to stay crushes.
Lu Han doesn’t think he would ever want to hold his crush’s hand like how he wants to hold Jongin’s hand.
But Jongin doesn’t answer Lu Han’s silent pleading, he just shifts to a more comfortable position which means putting his chin on Lu Han’s shoulder and pushing him forward as if to say, move, because Lu Han has stopped dead in the middle of the street.
Lu Han pouts at a middle aged man walking past them. The man takes a look at Jongin sprawled over Lu Han’s back and mutters loud enough for them to hear, “What’s the great deal about being in love?” Drops the nuke and then trudges away like it’s none of his business. Asshole ajusshi.
Lu Han and Jongin both gape at each other.
“I’m not in love!” sputters Lu Han. He holds his hands up as if to defend himself against the accusation.
“I’m, I’m not in love too.” To his surprise, Jongin blinks before lowering his head.
“Jonginnie…are you blushing?” Lu Han bends a bit so he could peer into Jongin’s face.
Jongin shakes his head three times, but he still refuses to lift his eyes.
“Ok, so we’re just two people who aren’t in love here,” Lu Han says slowly and clearly, in case anyone misunderstands the situation.
Jongin flickers his eyes from left to right before he nods. Lu Han nods along. Although both of them appear displeased with the conclusion.
“Right, I’m not in love,” Lu Han repeats but only out of defiance.
It takes some time but Jongin eventually raises his head “Really?” he asks meekly.
“Um.”
They mope around for a while but well, someone has to be the hyung around here. Biting his lower lip, Lu Han grabs the hem of the blue plaid shirt that he has on over a white tee and stuffs it into Jongin’s loose fist. Taken aback by Lu Han, the hem drops before Jongin could clench his fist.
Scowling, Lu Han takes the hem of his shirt and stuffs it again into Jongin’s fist. This time, he hangs on tight, tugging on Lu Han’s shirt like a lifeline. “Let’s go!” Lu Han snarls but Jongin just smiles at the sudden and unnecessary fierceness his hyung is exhibiting and begins to follow him while he battles his way through the sea of people.
This isn’t hand holding but Lu Han reckons everything has to start somewhere. Baby steps.
They plough their way through into a record store and Jongin picks up an album. His black bangs fall into his eyes as he lowers his head and out of habit, he lifts a finger and begins swiping it across his lower lip in contemplating. Lu Han stares at that profile for some time before he remembers to look away, pretending to flip through some records. When he next looks over, Jongin has a pair of headphones on, volume up so high, Lu Han can hear the beat.
“Jongin?” Lu Han mutters under his breath. But it’s too soft and his name gets lost in music.
“Jongin…nie?” Jongin is beginning to bob his head to the beat, however.
“Jonginnie,” Lu Han almost shouts and Jongin finally looks over. But Lu Han just shakes his head and stops Jongin from removing the headphones by clasping his hands over Jongin’s ears. His heart is beating so fast, he thinks it’s going to burst any moment. Lu Han has never thought it possible to contain so much anxiety and love in his being. So this is how it feels like, to offer his heart to someone who might not want it. Maybe that’s why most people just give up, like what Lu Han is doing now.
“Hyung?” Jongin asks when Lu Han releases his faint grip.
“It’s nothing,” quips Lu Han, picking up another record he has no interest in. But it isn’t nothing, he eventually decides. “Just something stupid.”
★
The day of the photoshoot is finally here and Lu Han has been working since the break of dawn, trying to set up everything. He frets over the wilting bouquet and laments over how the pink of the ribbon clashes with the sunflowers, that poor blind florist. So he pulls a stalk out and decides that will do. Causal is the theme, anyway.
Jongin is there, too, not that he minds since Lu Han doesn’t see Jongin as a crush now. The infatuation has evolved, he genuinely likes Jongin as a friend. More than a friend, to be honest, but Lu Han is content with the way things are going. He has no issues being his normal self with Jongin anymore, which is really kind of tragic since the normal Lu Han is incapable of acting his age. Right now, he’s chasing Jongin around the beach with an orange balloon in his hand because he just found out Jongin is terrified of them.
“Hyung!” Jongin shouts when Lu Han bounces the balloon off him with a boisterous laugh.
Changmin really gets his wish with the summer themed wedding shoot. But of course, he gets it only because Victoria also gets her old Shanghai wish granted. The sun is high up in the sky, the sand is scorching and Lu Han is sneakily blowing up yet another balloon to terrorize Jongin with. Bully the one you like, in true mature and typical Lu Han fashion.
The photographer stops his bullying then and asks the two of them to get up on the bonnet of the yellow vintage Volkswagen Bettle that’s parked obnoxiously in the middle of the beach. It’s a Tuesday though and except for some tourists, the beach is sparsely occupied.
“Please get up on the bonnet, I need to set up the camera.” The photographer is a middle aged man and he’s sweating profusely in the mid-day heat.
Lu Han and Jongin trudge over to the car. They kick off their flip flops and leap onto the hood. Immediately, they both whipped around and begin to scream bloody murder in each other’s face. “Ahhh!” Lu Han shrieks at Jongin before he rolls himself off the red-hot hood. Jongin flies off the hood too and they are clutching their butts and screaming at each other. “My butt! My butt!” Lu Han yips, meanwhile Jongin jumps on the spot and makes wounded animal sounds.
Then all of a sudden, the screaming morphs into laughter. Jongin grabs Lu Han’s wrists and pulls him close, face buried into his shoulder, body trembling with the force of his laugh. They eventually end up collapsing on top of each other, howling and yowling, before they go ‘oof oof’ and tapdance on top of the heated sand. Jongin’s skin is just as warm and the intimacy feels good even as peals of laughter escape from them. Lu Han is laughing so hard he can’t even get up so Jongin rolls him across the beach, all the way to the water so he can cool off. Lu Han screams the entire roll there and stops only when he chokes on sand.
“I need to get the camera set up,” the photographer says remorsefully to his equipment. But it’s summer and they’re at the beach, who cares about work?
“Better now?” Jongin grins at Lu Han who’s semi-submerged into the water.
“Almost.” Lu Han beams up at him, eyes all crinkled up with mischief. And suddenly, he’s lunging at Jongin, pushing him into the water, grasping fistfuls of sand and stuffing them down the back of his tee while Jongin flops around like spawning salmon. Lu Han’s hair is sticking up in all directions, shirt rolled up to reveal a strip of skin in his struggle with Jongin, and he is the one doing the bullying but also the one filling the beach with sissy yelps. His eyes are crazed and he looks positively demonic as he shovels sand onto Jongin, clearly one of those
“Wait! Hyung! My waist, I think I hurt it,” pants Jongin, putting on a lame show but Lu Han buys it like a birdie sweater on sale anyway.
“Huh?” To Jongin’s amazement, Lu Han really ceases his childish antics and his mouth goes slack as he tries to figure out where Jongin hurt himself.
“I’m sorry,” Jongin says calmly and smiles at the bewildered Lu Han before he takes revenge, tickling Lu Han’s sides. Whatever Lu Han is about to say transforms into gasps of mirth as his knees give way and he ends up pinching Jongin’s cheeks half-heartedly to make him stop.
The cries come to a halt though, when Lu Han realizes Jongin has stopped his tickling and is just grinning up at him. “What?” He deliberately pats Jongin’s cheeks, leaving behind streaks of sand on his face. It dawns on him then, that he is now straddling Jongin’s hips in the shallow waters and a tourist is looking on with amusement. Giggling, Lu Han gets off Jongin and flops down beside him on wet sand.
They lie like that for some time, the sun baking the sand on them before Jongin starts talking. “I thought you didn’t like me back then,” he confesses, “you seem to like a lot of people, get along well with everyone except me.”
This is so far away from the truth that Lu Han shoots right up. “I don’t!” There’s alarm on his face and his hair is now flat with water dripping off the ends, so Lu Han looks silly right now but Jongin just turns and smiles at him. “I know that now.”
With a ‘plop’, Lu Han goes back down on the sand. “I’m not so good with words,” he lies softly. The truth is, Lu Han is good with words but he’s just not good at being himself around the one he likes.
“I’m not good at making friends.” Jongin’s reply is equally gentle and the sea breeze nearly snatches it away from Lu Han. “But I’m glad we are friends now.” He grabs a handful of sand and begins to shampoo Lu Han’s hair with it.
Lu Han groans because he wants to nestle closer into Jongin’s touch but he’s not sure if he could bear being so near him. “No, you are wrong. I hate you.”
“Hyung…” As far as whiny voices go, that’s certainly a rare ageyo from Jongin. This is so unfair, Lu Han wants to stick his face into the sand and becomes an ostrich so he doesn’t need to see Jongin’s mock sadness, no matter how cutie pie it is.
Lu Han doesn’t react, however, because he would actually like to be more than friends with Jongin but he doesn’t know how to approach that subject. Is it really so hard to just say ‘I like a lot of people, but I like you best’? Lu Han doesn’t know. So he lies there and just lets Jongin run his fingers through his hair, picking out all the sand he rubbed in.
“Hey,” Lu Han attempts.
“Hmm?” replies Jongin, still trying to get the sand out of Lu Han’s hair. He’s lying on his side, facing Lu Han, a small scowl between his brows as he focuses on the task at hand. Jongin’s thumb strokes the curve of Lu Han’s earlobe by accident and the latter has to repress a shiver.
“Jongin,” Lu Han says, a little louder this time.
“Huh?” A smile blooms on Jongin’s face and Lu Han beams, too. The ends of his eyes thin and the stars in them light up Jongin’s world. Lu Han likes it when Jongin smiles at him. He closes his eyes and laughs in earnest, the sound of the waves in his ears like music and Jongin’s smile imprinted behind his eyelids. The universe lies somewhere behind them.
Something like a breath flits across his cheek and Lu Han is suddenly afraid to move.
“There’s sand near your eyes.” The words are whispered against his lips and Lu Han eyes slowly drift open to look into Jongin’s. His fingers are stroking the soft skin beneath Lu Han’s eyes, touch lingering like pain. A cloud hides the sun behind it for a moment and the shadows vanish from Lu Han’s face. Is it obvious now, he wonders. If so, he wouldn’t need to say it and make it all wrong then.
“Jonginnie,” Lu Han says simply, because it’s easier this way. And the sun comes out then, hiding all the answers Jongin wants to hear in the shadows.
“What?” Jongin is patient. He waits, fingers now tapping the water, sending ripples right into Lu Han’s heart.
“Nothing.” But there’s the promise of everything in Lu Han’s voice.
Jongin nods like he understands and Lu Han grasps the hand that’s held out to him without question. They get up and make to stroll back to the set. Jongin is patient and Lu Han’s hand is released before it gets warm.
Wait, and stories will unfold.
★
Lu Han is lying on his stomach watching television when Kris arrives home. When he sees Kris, Lu Han starts taking off his pants.
Kris lifts his eyebrows. “Thanks for trying to welcome me home but a beer will suffice.”
“I’m stripping.”
“Yes, I can see that and I’m trying to stop you.”
Lu Han pulls his lips down. “I burned my butt cheeks.”
Making to sit on the couch beside Lu Han, Kris says, “I don’t understand.”
“Wo de pi gu-,” Lu Han tries to repeat himself in Chinese.
“That was uncalled for,” Kris booms and drowns out Lu Han, “I understood you perfectly the first time.”
“Why did you ask then.” The frown on Lu Han’s face intensifies.
“I’ll have you know that this is going straight to the top of my list of Undesirable Knowledge, but I still feel obliged to ask why.”
“I was on the bonnet of the car with Jongin-” Lu Han begins.
“-and you had sex,” Kris finishes.
“…I don’t understand how you arrived at this conclusion.”
“Did Jongin burn his dick?”
Lu Han delivers a kick at Kris’ tummy but Kris just grabs hold of his heel. “Help me spread ointment on my butt,” whines Lu Han as he wrenches his foot free.
Kris looks offended by the request. “Do it yourself.”
“I can’t see,” Lu Han pouts. “We’ve known each other for years and you’re not even going to help me spread ointment on my butt? Who was the one who got you medicine when you were down with fever a month ago? And regardless how badly you were poisoned back then, who was the one who cooked for you?”
When put this way, Kris really does seem like an ungrateful friend for not wanting to touch Lu Han’s ass. So he heaves a deep sigh and reaches for the jar of ointment that Lu Han has left on the coffee table. “Whatever you do, don’t turn around,” he warns as Lu Han pulls his pants down past his butt and lies down on the couch once again.
“I charge for that, mind you.”
“Don’t poke my butt,” Lu Han protests a minute later when all Kris does it to stab at his ass cheeks with dabs of ointment on the tip of his index finger. Then he releases a sigh of his own. “How do you tell someone you like him, Kris?”
“Are you trying to have a heart-to-heart talk with me while I’m touching your butt?”
“When would you prefer to have it then?” Lu Han’s voice is muffled against the cushion.
“How about never?” Kris stabs Lu Han’s right butt cheek with a finger and it jiggles. This gravely disturbs Kris so he stops.
“How?” Lu Han persists and Kris pauses to think for a while.
“Kris?”
“Yes?”
“Please don’t tap your fingers on my ass while you’re deep in thought.”
“Oh. Right.”
“Thank you.”
“Well,” says Kris after a while, “I guess if the person is important enough, you will say it, eventually.”
This is such a lacking answer that Lu Han turns around to scowl at Kris. “Jongin matters,” he finally says.
“Then why?” Kris mutters to himself, wiping his hand on Lu Han’s pants.
“Why what?” At this, Kris gives Lu Han’s butt a light slap in reprimand for his dumbassery. Lu Han takes offence at that. “Are you sure this isn’t an outrage of my modesty?”
“Why,” Kris says lowly, as if he hasn’t just molested anyone, “are you lying down here, making me grope your butt against my will, instead of putting on your pants and being out there kissing him senseless?” There’s great patience etched into every single word.
“Why would I…”
“Why not?”
Lu Han stops breathing for a while. A second later, he’s jumping up, yelping as he pulls pants over his burned buttcheeks. “Wow Kris! Are you sappy or what!” He makes to grab his bag from his room and then he’s zipping out the door.
“Just doing my bit as the residential love sage and saving up good karma for when I reincarnate,” Kris says to no one and he’s off the couch to wash his sinful hands in the toilet when there’s a series of hurried footsteps and Lu Han appears at the door again.
“Hey,” he says breathily and ducks his head, “thank you.”
Kris lowers his head and inspects the ointment gleaming off his hands. “Is this the legendary Friendship moment? Am I supposed to fly over and hug you now becau-”
“Oh, shut up.” Lu Han throws an empty shoe box at him.
★
There is little good karma to be found, however, when Kris settles into bed after washing his hands to read the latest message from Piao Canlie.
i’m sorry, gege, but school is keeping me really busy and i’ve got to cancel our me3tign. is that find?
meeting! sorry on the phone now T_T
This is the fourth time you’re canceling on me, Puppy.
hyung, Piao Canlie replies, shedding his fake Chinese identity, how am i supposed to take responsibility for our love when i can’t even take responsibility for myself
The word ‘love’ shakes Kris to the core of his being. He claps a hand over his mouth in astonishment. Is this it? Is this love? What is love? Kris checks it on Naver. But the first result that pops up is What is Love - Exo K and he closes the tab angrily. Boybands disrupt lives.
Still, the fast thump thump of his heart tells him that this must be it. Kris kicks excitedly around on his bed for a bit before getting up to type his reply in all seriousness. It ends up sounding like a promise.
I will wait for you.
Kris counts a slow eighteen seconds.
be good, gege!! ^^
He might have whimpered. It is still uncertain whether the sound Kris made could have been categorized as a whimper.
I will be good.
★
Lu Han runs as fast as he can, which isn’t very fast because of his injured ass, so Jongin is already waiting for him when he reaches. It’s almost ten p.m. but still a young night for the everlasting streetlights of Myeongdong. They are meeting at the exit of Myeongdong metro station, where they did a week before when they went shopping.
“Can I be honest with you?” Lu Han bends over and pants, the bright lights accentuating the twinkle in his eyes.
Jongin should be bewildered, as anyone would be when they are asked out with a flustered phone call in the middle of the night. But he soothes out his harsh breathing and answers, “I’m waiting.” As he has always been.
“I burned my butt!” shouts Lu Han.
Jongin nods slowly to show his comprehension, then he shakes his head. “You called me out just to tell me you burned your butt?”
“No,” Lu Han says weakly, “I’m just opening up with this because it’s the easiest.” Then he takes a deep breath. “Stay right here.” Lu Han looks really serious, so Jongin folds his smile away and nods again, “Right here waiting.”
Turning, Lu Han makes to cross the road and he’s now separated from Jongin with a street between them. Just like how they were a week ago, except this time neither is grinning. Lu Han is nervous. His heart is beating so fast, he thinks it’s going to burst any moment. Lu Han has never thought it possible to contain so much anxiety and love in his being. So this is how it feels like, to offer his heart to someone who might not want it. It seems silly to put himself out there for perhaps, nothing in return, but people in love are a little wonky in the head and you just gotta forgive them for that.
“I like your smile,” Lu Han shouts from across the street, riding on a rush of adrenaline, before logic could step in and stop him. The words gush out of him like butterflies that have been trapped for too long a time, and the moment has come for all of them to take flight. “I like it best when you smile at me because.” But Lu Han stops simply because he doesn’t know how to go on. It sounds too stupid.
Here, Jongin mouths a ‘what’ at him, like how Lu Han had beckoned him so. There’s a tiny smile toying with Jongin’s lips now and Lu Han feels that same burst of euphoria within him, so bright and fierce that even the anxiety isn’t able to drown it out. And he says the following, so slowly and carefully and loudly that nothing in the world could steal them away from Jongin.
“Because it makes me smile, too. Because the fact that you’re happy makes me ridiculously happy, too.”
★
Lu Han leads Jongin to the spot where their soft serve cones died. The soft serve seller is still the same but Lu Han doesn’t spare him a single glance, just rounds on Jongin and says, while he peers into his eyes. “This is where our soft serve fell.” his right foot taps on an indistinguishable spot on the road. Jongin is pretty sure their ice cream fell at another spot but what’s the point in correcting something in a moment when everything seems so right?
“I remember thinking then, that you make everything better,” says Lu Han softly, although he’s referring to something much more than soft serve. He doesn’t know if Jongin is really good, or what could even be considered good. But what Lu Han does know is that Jongin is good for him. “I remember thinking it’s awfully silly, but also awfully true.”
“Even the demise of ice cream?” Jongin teases and Lu Han finds himself wanting to punch him a little. But every single one of Jongin’s reactions so far screams reciprocation, so he forgives him.
“Everything.”
★
“I like your voice.” Lu Han brakes without warning in the middle of the busy street, and Jongin thinks he must have recalled something important.
But there’s just that.
★
They linger much too long in front of a boutique because Lu Han’s wits are on the verge of dispersing like fickle thoughts, which is rather untimely since the salesgirl is beginning to stare at them. “Hyung…” Jongin says but, “OH FUCK IT!” Lu Han suddenly shouts and the salesgirl backs fast and furiously away from them.
“I lied when I said I wasn’t in,” Lu Han snaps in frustration (one sure sign of BTC, actually) and makes an angry swipe at the air that’s perhaps meant to convey the embarrassingly foolish word ‘love’. Jongin grins because two liars make a pair of sneaks. “And what I had wanted to put in your hand wasn’t my shirt. It’s…” he unceremoniously stuffs his own hand into Jongin’s hand and squeezes it. Lu Han smiles a little ruefully to himself because this isn’t how he imagined it’d be like to hold hands with Jongin. He had imagined a pressure not unlike his own; holding on with the same intention of never letting go. But sometimes, people just have to let go, even if it has never been their intention. So in the next second, he allows his grip to grow limp.
That’s when he discovers that Jongin has been holding his hand all this while, too. Perhaps not as strong a grip as Lu Han but hey, even the word ‘game’ has more than one definition, so why not love? Since most certainly agree that it’s not a game, although it usually makes a person feel like one. They might not agree to love the same, but they can still agree to be in love.
“Don’t let go so easily,” chides Jongin before he pulls on Lu Han’s hand, leading him to their final stop. “The record store, right?”
Lu Han can only nod dumbly because Jongin’s hand is sucking all the IQ out of him.
★
Jongin lets Lu Han tuck an album into his hand and arranges his limbs such that he’s bent slight forward, bangs flopping into his eyes, a finger against his lips. “What,” he tries to say but Lu Han doesn’t allow him to utter a word.
“This, like this,” he says reluctantly, as if he doesn’t want to say it at all, “I memorized this.” The way you look at the back of a record. The way your eyes squint when you laugh. The way you sing along softly to a song when you think no one’s listening. The mundanity of you.
This is getting more and more difficult and Lu Han can’t even meet Jongin’s eyes anymore, so he doesn’t see them soften, doesn’t see them squint as Jongin smiles. He only makes to remove a pair of headphones from the sampling booth and put them on Jongin, hands pressing them over his ears. Nothing is on play except the leap of his pulse. Lu Han appears to struggle, large eyes flitting uncertainly until Jongin takes pity on him. Then, his shoulders sag and those gentle eyes seem really sad when they finally look at Jongin. “I can’t.” It sounds like he’s delivering his own verdict.
Lu Han pushes the headphones off Jongin’s ears until they’re resting on his neck. The ends of his mouth are tugged down and the rims of his eyes are going a little red. “I want to say it to you, but I don’t how to make it right. You know, don’t you? I want this,” he stresses the word, although he doesn’t define what ‘this’ means, “to be ok.” Then Lu Han actually looks defeated. “Please don’t think I’m crazy,” he whispers mournfully, since his personal opinion on that is just as depressing.
Perhaps there’s nothing more to hide, perhaps all the hints to Jongin’s answer have already been aligned, but Lu Han still wants to be able to say it out by himself.
“I don’t think you’re crazy,” Jongin says, bemused and exasperated. Lu Han appears so tiny and pitiful now, Jongin suspects he’s going to start bleating anytime. “Let me say it for you.”
“What?” Lu Han really did bleat then. Jongin laughs and oh, how is it possible for Lu Han to love Jongin so much and still burn with the desire to slap him to death with an album?
“Lu Han hyung,” Jongin begins with mock seriousness.
“What!” snips Lu Han, all his sappy mortification already evaporated.
“Lu Hannie hyung.” This is gross. Lu Han likes it.
“Yeah..”
“Hannie.” Jongin and Lu Han both cough a little in embarrassment. So does the salesperson who’s eavesdropping nearby.
“Yes?” Cough, cough, goes Lu Han.
“Hunny?”
“Huh?”
“Nothing,” Jongin lowers his head quickly and he’s trying to bury his head in the collar of his tee again.
“Tell me,” Lu Han urges him, lifting his chin up. But Jongin escapes and repeats, “I said nothing.”
“Tell me!” Lu Han shouts, following Jongin out of the store, being so goddamn persistent although he already knows.
Jongin flees so he doesn’t ever need to explain why his face is red. “Nothing!”
But there’s the promise of everything in Jongin’s voice.
★
The very next day, while Changmin and Victoria are at the hotel ballroom, doing their final inspection of the wedding decorations, Lu Han is wasting away rather irresponsibly at a table not too far away. His mind is drifting off with wanderlust, fingers drawing invisible fat little hearts on the table-top. He has just finished drawing one half of a particularly loop sided heart when his finger gets interrupted by another.
Grinning at Lu Han’s chagrin, Jongin just settles down beside him and completes the other side of the heart. It’s an ugly ugly heart. Lu Han lifts his brows at Jongin. Jongin lifts his brows in reply.
Looks like a taunt.
With a ‘hmmp!’, Lu Han lightly sweeps his hand across the table as if he’s flipping those tiny hearts off the table. All these wasted pining.
“Are you angry, Lu Han?” Whatever happened to Hannie? Lu Han wanders.
“What makes you think that, Jongin?” Whatever happened to Jonginnie? Jongin wanders.
“Oh, I don’t know, you seem pretty mad last night.” Jongin starts replenishing the hearts by drawing some invisible ones of his own.
Lu Han seethes but widens his eyes as if he’s surprised by Jongin’s words. “Who? Me? Couldn’t be!” Then who? he almost blurts out. “Speaking of which, you seemed rather flustered last night at the end, why, I would have sworn you were blushing like someone who’s in love for the first time.”
“Really, hyung?” Jongin beams brightly at Lu Han, not taking the bait. “Perhaps you were just looking into a mirror.”
Oh, now I’m hyung. Lu Han smiles sweetly in retaliation and settles for looking just lovely. Jongin begins blinking and backing away as if someone assaulted him physically.
“Now, now, fair play please.” He wags a chastising finger.
“Fair play? What’s that?” A sly grin bends Lu Han’s eyes into twinkling crescents.
“Can you two stop flirting? We’re trying to get married here.” Victoria walks over and slams both hands down on the table, squashing all of Jongin’s hearts.
“Hmm, were we flirting?” There’s puzzlement on Jongin’s face and he seems genuinely befuddled when he glances over at Lu Han.
Lu Han is not a half-bad actor too. Titling his head to one side, he pouts, “I’m not sure, Jongin, what do you think?”
“Let me think.” And there’s a pause because Jongin really seems to be immersed in deep deliberation for a while.
Victoria gives Lu Han an incredulous look but her friend only nods and says with great understanding, “Shush, let him think.”
“I guess we were just having a small chat.” Jongin shrugs eventually after his pretend-think act.
“Small chat it is. Song Qian sshi, can we please be clear on that?” Lu Han turns to Victoria and asks politely.
“Best to clear up any misunderstandings,” quips Jongin as he looks up at the raging bride.
“No one is flirting around here.” Lu Han shakes his head regretfully because nope, romantic feelings are not here.
“No one is having a crush on another here.” Jongin nods gravely.
“No one is in love.” Lu Ha clucks his tongue with a note of finality. But everyone present is, and one’s being particularly vocal about it.
“I am!” Changmin raises his hand and hollers in the background. He is ignored, even by Victoria who has taken a step back to enjoy the bickering between Lu Han and Jongin.
Drawing another heart on the table-top, Jongin’s lips stretches into a wide grin. This is getting rather ridiculous. He looks up at Lu Han and discovers the cheeky smile on his face too. Jongin reaches for Lu Han’s right hand, opens it up and carefully traces a perfect heart on it. “I’m not in love with you,” he mumbles before chuckling softly.
Lu Han is smiling so hard, he doesn’t think his cheekbones can stand it anymore. He draws his hand back, fingers tightening into a fist, clutching Jongin’s heart tight. “I’m not in love with you either.” He grins up into the ceiling because he isn’t sure where else to look. This isn’t that hard. Lu Han’s right. Jongin makes everything better.
“Are you guys confessing? Is this some say-&-mean-the-opposite game? Oh God, this is obscene .” This turn of events greatly displeases Victoria who has been looking forward to a fiery row. It’s stressful getting married and nothing is more distressing than fueling a lover’s spat, watching people get miserable over love, all the sadistic things in the world, et cetera.
“This is mine now,” Lu Han declares, holding his right fist up.
“All yours,” says Jongin before facepalming at all his sap.
At least Lu Han still has the decency to blush.
★
Fuschia is the color theme for the wedding. Lu Han has been against it although it’s an auspicious color as young couples tend to avoid red and pink since they prefer more trendy decorations. But the pink hydrangea and peony centerpieces with the strands of crystals that hang from them are beautiful. There are pink petals scattered on tables set with fuschia colored napkins and candles placed in little glasses are everywhere. The wedding favor is placed neatly on top of every napkin. It is a pair of peach colored round chopsticks with gold tips and has Song Qian and Changmin engraved separately on each of the chopstick. The decorations are contemporary but the colors used are traditional. It isn’t a heady mix, rather, it’s a delicate balance of the two.
“Not bad, Jongin.” The white of his suit compliments the flush on Lu Han’s cheeks. They stand at the entrance of the ballroom, examining the decorations and making sure things are running along according to schedule. Right now, guests are starting to filter into the room.
“Thanks to you.” It’s no thanks to Lu Han, actually, but Jongin did learn a lot from him. Ignoring the blazer, Jongin only has on a black shirt but at least he’s keeping his tie on. The black of his shirt compliments Lu Han’s white suit.
It’s unfashionable for the ex-boyfriend to show up at the wedding but Kris turns up anyway.
“Hello, it’s been a long time,” says Victoria distantly, holding out her hand all primly. The fake diamonds in her lashes glimmer harshly, although the lighting in the ballroom is soft. But Kris ignores the hand and gives her a warm hug instead. “Be happy,” he whispers in her ear, his words drowning out the crowd. Just like old times.
“You look beautiful.” The proper and acceptable greeting which everyone says to the bride is done only after he releases her. Nostalgia causes something to well up unexpectedly in Victoria’s eyes so she only nods stiffly before heading off to join the groom.
“It’s not a good time for you to show up,” Lu Han says reproachfully.
“There will never be a good time, anyway.” That’s true, so Lu Han fusses with Jongin’s tie again.
“Hi, Jongin,” Kris greets. It’s their first time meeting each other. There’s a gummy smile on his face and Lu Han narrows his eyes suspiciously at him.
“Nice to meet you,” Jongin replies over Lu Han’s head. The gummy smile turns gummier. Trying to guide Jongin out of danger zone, Lu Han tugs on his hand. “Come on, let’s go make sure the sound system is-”
“How’s your butt, Lu Han?” Kris half-shouts and Jongin stops. “Just let me know anytime you need help checking it out again.”
All chin control just went sailing right out the window as Lu Han’s chin meets his collarbones.
“Your…butt?” asks Jongin cautiously.
“I touched it,” Kris explains kindly in case Jongin failed to misunderstand, “I touched it because Lu Han forced me to.”
“Ok, hang on, it’s only because I burned my butt!” Lu Han spits out.
“You should have called me…” says Jongin petulantly, snuffing the tip of his black leather shoe into the posh carpet of the ballroom.
Lu Han wants to cry. “I really don’t think I want my love interest to apply ointment on my burned butt…”
Jonginnie takes Lu Han’s hand. “Please call me the next time you burn your butt, Hannie.”
Lu Han places a hand over his and says remorsefully. “I don’t think I will ever burn my butt again, Innie.”
“Are they always this vile?” The curious Kris asks the groom who has sauntered over nearby to greet the guests.
But Changmin only sniffs, “Shut up, I hate you.”
★
When the groom is asked to kiss the bride, Lu Han leans forward expectedly. To watch the show, of course, who asks for a kiss like that?
(Lu Han, duh.)
Taking the hint, Jongin tilts his head and presses soft lips against Lu Han’s. The kiss is as light as the summer breeze in his hair and as short as a lifetime.
With his eyes still closed, Lu Han smiles and finally says what he has always wanted to say to Jongin.
“Hey, I love you.”
★
Almost a year later, Kris sits in a silly little café with teapots that have bees on them and chairs too small for him. The evening crowd is sparse in Mollycoddlers, which suits Kris fine since he’s all up for some mollycoddling of his own. All the Renren conversations he had with Piao-Park Chanyeol (Puppy has allowed him to use his Korean name now) were cute but the time has come for their love to spill over into real life. Chanyeol graduated from college three months ago and today is his first day of work. To commemorate the day, he arranges to meet up with Kris.
There’s concealer beneath Kris’s eyes because he has lost sleep ever since they set the date. He keeps checking the time although there’s no point in doing that since it’s his own fault that he arrived a whole hour earlier. What would Chanyeol look like in real life? Would he think I’m a slob if I place my coffee spoon on the table? Oh, there’s a spot of spilled coffee, best to clean it up before Chanyeol arrives. I haven’t uploaded new pictures in a while, what if he doesn’t like my short hair? Shit, shit, shit, Kris thinks and wonders if he should take a picture now and send it to Chanyeol in order to cushion any potential real life-shock.
Being Renren-famous really doesn’t help at all when he’s hopelessly infatuated with another.
Kris drowns his nervousness with copious amounts of flat white and ends up needing the loo just before 7 p.m., which is the time they agreed to meet. When he returns to his table, he finds a young man sitting in the seat opposite and his footsteps stutter.
Chanyeol takes an eternity to swivel around in his seat to face Kris (in fact, it took him half a second but that scene always happens in slow motion whenever Kris recalls the first time they met). He is beautiful, beautiful and beautiful. Kris is in love, is it obvious?
“Hello, gege!” And those are Chanyeol’s smiley eyes in real life. They are the most adorable things Kris has ever laid his eyes on. He lowers his head and a flush slyly creeps up his neck.
“Hello, Puppy.”
★
hello, puppy
this is so cheesy it deserves to be on a pizza
the fic, not fansite