I love you all, and hate you all at the same time.
You know things are bad when you start reading Linkin Park lyrics and realize that almost every song of theirs applies one way or another to your feelings and/or your situation.
Well, she got over me pretty quickly, it seems. I mean, I'm glad she's happy now, but it still hurts a little. I think what's really getting to me is seeing her move on almost immediately and emerging feeling better than I ever made her feel, while I'm still lonely. How long will I have to wait until my next opportunity? Is it really going to be based on how "normal" I make my MySpace profile? I would be inclined to say it just might, seeing as how I've messaged numerous females on there over time and gotten no responses back, except I've yet to really see anybody spectacular on there that lives around here, anyway. I'm just incompatible with everybody.
I'm still hanging in there, though. I'm still trying to become more fit, more social and I'm still trying to hold a much more positive attitude about everything. I'm not sitting here every day giving up like I used to. It's just... after a long day, be it a good day or a bad one, I come home and when I'm all alone in my room, I lay there in bed by myself and just think about these things. I think about what's happened in the past, I think about the terrible mistakes I've made, and I think about what the odds are that I'll meet somebody who really likes me - ME, and not just the idea of a male who pays attention to them - who I'll really like back. Even if it's not "THE" relationship for me, I'd just like to be in a few that are normal and don't leave a bad taste in my mouth when they're over.
We know why people sometimes break up and why they enjoy being single. They'd like to see what's out there for them. That's why when people who've been around the block a few times finally settle down, you can trust that they're truly happy. They know what they want and what's really important to them. I have an idea of what I want, but how can I be so sure?
I'd really like to find myself, as these last two relationships of mine have shown me how lost I've actually become, but I don't want to be lonely while I do so. And y'know, I tell you that as much as I appreciate my friends being there for me (when they can) it becomes a little depressing when I have to hear "Yeah, I'm down for something tonight, but let me ask 'the wife' first." As much as we all care about each other, I feel like they're all slowly slipping from me. Couples don't have as much time for a hopeless single guy as they did when they were single. They have time for each other, and maybe some sort of outings with other couples they know. In isolating myself all these years and wasting my time with girls who were obviously wrong for me and/or who didn't exactly love me for me, I've made myself obsolete. I don't know how to meet somebody else on my own, and everybody else around me has grown to the point where they're settling down (or they've just had enough of the dating thing to be "sick of it.") Meanwhile, I'm getting ready to make the next movement forward in life, and I'm still stuck.
I know I'm supposed to wait quietly like a good little social outcast, and just believe that EVENTUALLY, AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN, THAT RIGHT GIRL WILL COME ALONG. And how will I know? I feel incapable of love and I don't even know what my feelings are anymore. YOU'LL KNOW, JOSH. YOU'LL KNOW. Fuck you. All that means is "SHUT UP ABOUT BEING LONELY, BECAUSE WE'RE ALREADY TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT, AND WE HAVE NO OTHER SOLUTION FOR YOUR SORRY ASS, ANYWAY."
I seriously don't know what to do anymore. I've made a step up, but only barely. Instead of being the depressed guy who looks miserable all the time, I'm the happy, witty guy who makes other people laugh but is secretly crying on the inside, and sometimes, when he gets home by himself, is crying on the outside, too. Now all I'm doing is pretending to be a much better person in hopes that it'll make other people like me even more. But for what? I don't meet anybody, and those girls that I do come across (be it on MySpace or the rare event of in person) are all more or less the same; They know what they want in another person (and it's qualities that I lack,) their interests include drinking, tattoos, doing things outdoors, etc. What the hell am I supposed to do?
I'm tired of being patient, and having to wait for the right opportunity to come along, so when an opportunity does finally come along I feel desparate to make it succeed and end up falling flat on my face because I tried too hard. I'm tired of being reminded that my last girlfriend basically hated everything about me (and rightfully so) but was too attached to me because she didn't want to be alone herself (as recent events have shown. I always told her she'd move right on the second she met somebody much better than me.)
Everybody told me I should move on, that I can do so much better, that I deserve to be treated better and be in a relationship that will make me happy. That's all well and good and all, but when? When do I get what I supposedly "deserve?" What hoops must I jump through, what massive amounts of WORK must I put forth in order to be able to coexist with the rest of society?
I'm really sick of being told what a great person I am by those who've known me for years, by people who simply don't have time for me nor do they have any way to help me. No, I'm just supposed to do this all by myself. Alone. I had better get used to it, after all, because that's how I've been getting by all these years. And look how far it's gotten me!
I hope any of my former girlfriends who happen to come across this, be they from Wisconsin or Arizona, enjoy this entry. The terrible person who knew less and less about how to treat another person, is alone and miserable, and nobody likes him. That satisfaction alone should make the time you all spent with me worth it.
Well, she got over me pretty quickly, it seems. I mean, I'm glad she's happy now, but it still hurts a little. I think what's really getting to me is seeing her move on almost immediately and emerging feeling better than I ever made her feel, while I'm still lonely. How long will I have to wait until my next opportunity? Is it really going to be based on how "normal" I make my MySpace profile? I would be inclined to say it just might, seeing as how I've messaged numerous females on there over time and gotten no responses back, except I've yet to really see anybody spectacular on there that lives around here, anyway. I'm just incompatible with everybody.
I'm still hanging in there, though. I'm still trying to become more fit, more social and I'm still trying to hold a much more positive attitude about everything. I'm not sitting here every day giving up like I used to. It's just... after a long day, be it a good day or a bad one, I come home and when I'm all alone in my room, I lay there in bed by myself and just think about these things. I think about what's happened in the past, I think about the terrible mistakes I've made, and I think about what the odds are that I'll meet somebody who really likes me - ME, and not just the idea of a male who pays attention to them - who I'll really like back. Even if it's not "THE" relationship for me, I'd just like to be in a few that are normal and don't leave a bad taste in my mouth when they're over.
We know why people sometimes break up and why they enjoy being single. They'd like to see what's out there for them. That's why when people who've been around the block a few times finally settle down, you can trust that they're truly happy. They know what they want and what's really important to them. I have an idea of what I want, but how can I be so sure?
I'd really like to find myself, as these last two relationships of mine have shown me how lost I've actually become, but I don't want to be lonely while I do so. And y'know, I tell you that as much as I appreciate my friends being there for me (when they can) it becomes a little depressing when I have to hear "Yeah, I'm down for something tonight, but let me ask 'the wife' first." As much as we all care about each other, I feel like they're all slowly slipping from me. Couples don't have as much time for a hopeless single guy as they did when they were single. They have time for each other, and maybe some sort of outings with other couples they know. In isolating myself all these years and wasting my time with girls who were obviously wrong for me and/or who didn't exactly love me for me, I've made myself obsolete. I don't know how to meet somebody else on my own, and everybody else around me has grown to the point where they're settling down (or they've just had enough of the dating thing to be "sick of it.") Meanwhile, I'm getting ready to make the next movement forward in life, and I'm still stuck.
I know I'm supposed to wait quietly like a good little social outcast, and just believe that EVENTUALLY, AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN, THAT RIGHT GIRL WILL COME ALONG. And how will I know? I feel incapable of love and I don't even know what my feelings are anymore. YOU'LL KNOW, JOSH. YOU'LL KNOW. Fuck you. All that means is "SHUT UP ABOUT BEING LONELY, BECAUSE WE'RE ALREADY TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT, AND WE HAVE NO OTHER SOLUTION FOR YOUR SORRY ASS, ANYWAY."
I seriously don't know what to do anymore. I've made a step up, but only barely. Instead of being the depressed guy who looks miserable all the time, I'm the happy, witty guy who makes other people laugh but is secretly crying on the inside, and sometimes, when he gets home by himself, is crying on the outside, too. Now all I'm doing is pretending to be a much better person in hopes that it'll make other people like me even more. But for what? I don't meet anybody, and those girls that I do come across (be it on MySpace or the rare event of in person) are all more or less the same; They know what they want in another person (and it's qualities that I lack,) their interests include drinking, tattoos, doing things outdoors, etc. What the hell am I supposed to do?
I'm tired of being patient, and having to wait for the right opportunity to come along, so when an opportunity does finally come along I feel desparate to make it succeed and end up falling flat on my face because I tried too hard. I'm tired of being reminded that my last girlfriend basically hated everything about me (and rightfully so) but was too attached to me because she didn't want to be alone herself (as recent events have shown. I always told her she'd move right on the second she met somebody much better than me.)
Everybody told me I should move on, that I can do so much better, that I deserve to be treated better and be in a relationship that will make me happy. That's all well and good and all, but when? When do I get what I supposedly "deserve?" What hoops must I jump through, what massive amounts of WORK must I put forth in order to be able to coexist with the rest of society?
I'm really sick of being told what a great person I am by those who've known me for years, by people who simply don't have time for me nor do they have any way to help me. No, I'm just supposed to do this all by myself. Alone. I had better get used to it, after all, because that's how I've been getting by all these years. And look how far it's gotten me!
I hope any of my former girlfriends who happen to come across this, be they from Wisconsin or Arizona, enjoy this entry. The terrible person who knew less and less about how to treat another person, is alone and miserable, and nobody likes him. That satisfaction alone should make the time you all spent with me worth it.