(no subject)
This needs editing, but I hope to eventually send it to McSweeney's:
An IT Guy Changes His Outgoing Message
You have reached the voicemail of Tim Keogh. I'm either on the phone, away from my desk, or here but ignoring all phone-based communication for the purposes of my own sanity. Please listen to the following options before leaving your message.
If you are an annoying sales guy cold-calling me, please dial 0 now and tell the receptionist that she is doing a poor job of screening my calls. Then just go ahead and hang up because more than likely I will delete your message within the first 5 seconds and not call you back.
If you are a client calling about a problem with the website, you want to talk to Jonathan. His extension is 192. I do not know how you got my number.
If you are the receptionist calling because a client complained that their fax didn't go through, the line was probably just busy like it always is when I check at your insistent request. If there is ever a problem with the fax server, I get a warning message immediately and I always let you know.
If you are someone within the office calling me about a new issue, please leave a message with actual content or a high-level description of what you want to discuss. It is an extreme waste of my time to sit through "New...message...from...Mailbox...2...0...1...Recorded at...2...23...PM" to only hear "Hey Tim, call me back". You also do not need to leave me your extension number. First of all, the recorded voice just told it to me. Second, I have a little card with the names and extensions of all 30 people who work here (and the conference room) taped to my phone. Most likely you have the exact same card.
Similarly, when emailing me about an issue, use the subject line to give me some idea what you are talking about. "Message from Alison" is not only nondescriptive, it's unnecessary because your name already appears in my inbox, next to messages from you! Imagine!
Speaking of emails, if you are calling me about an issue we have discussed previously, why not try reading the one I sent you about it? Often I will spend nontrivial time and brainpower composing these messages to either get a point across or outline steps you need to take as clearly as possible. If there is an attachment, consider looking at that too. I probably had a reason for sending it to you - it might contain a picture showing what you need to do, a document you asked me for, or something else relevant. Leaving me a "call me back" message about something that I have already explained in the simplest possible terms I know how is not productive for either of us. Reading my email aloud to yourself while on the phone with me is a good way to get your future issues bumped to the bottom of my priority list.
If you are the receptionist calling because I got a package from UPS or FedEx, leave me a message after the beep.
An IT Guy Changes His Outgoing Message
You have reached the voicemail of Tim Keogh. I'm either on the phone, away from my desk, or here but ignoring all phone-based communication for the purposes of my own sanity. Please listen to the following options before leaving your message.
If you are an annoying sales guy cold-calling me, please dial 0 now and tell the receptionist that she is doing a poor job of screening my calls. Then just go ahead and hang up because more than likely I will delete your message within the first 5 seconds and not call you back.
If you are a client calling about a problem with the website, you want to talk to Jonathan. His extension is 192. I do not know how you got my number.
If you are the receptionist calling because a client complained that their fax didn't go through, the line was probably just busy like it always is when I check at your insistent request. If there is ever a problem with the fax server, I get a warning message immediately and I always let you know.
If you are someone within the office calling me about a new issue, please leave a message with actual content or a high-level description of what you want to discuss. It is an extreme waste of my time to sit through "New...message...from...Mailbox...2...0...1...Recorded at...2...23...PM" to only hear "Hey Tim, call me back". You also do not need to leave me your extension number. First of all, the recorded voice just told it to me. Second, I have a little card with the names and extensions of all 30 people who work here (and the conference room) taped to my phone. Most likely you have the exact same card.
Similarly, when emailing me about an issue, use the subject line to give me some idea what you are talking about. "Message from Alison" is not only nondescriptive, it's unnecessary because your name already appears in my inbox, next to messages from you! Imagine!
Speaking of emails, if you are calling me about an issue we have discussed previously, why not try reading the one I sent you about it? Often I will spend nontrivial time and brainpower composing these messages to either get a point across or outline steps you need to take as clearly as possible. If there is an attachment, consider looking at that too. I probably had a reason for sending it to you - it might contain a picture showing what you need to do, a document you asked me for, or something else relevant. Leaving me a "call me back" message about something that I have already explained in the simplest possible terms I know how is not productive for either of us. Reading my email aloud to yourself while on the phone with me is a good way to get your future issues bumped to the bottom of my priority list.
If you are the receptionist calling because I got a package from UPS or FedEx, leave me a message after the beep.