important, please read
this morning at around 5am i woke up surrounded by painful thoughts of the love that i had shared with someone who i thought truely loved me in return.
there were thoughts of kissing, talking, time spent together, reasons why he mite have done what he did, and all the money i had spent on our relationship which talleys up to $1873.00 alot of money huh? even our silly fights beleive it or not i miss everything even the silly little fights...
therefore causing me to not be able to rest my head back down and close my eyes...
this pain that i had sheltered all night was hurting so bad, like knifes stabbing through my heart, i couldnt help but ask myself, What is wrong with me? what did i do wrong? i was blaming myself... after a long hard think i actually realised, it was my fault...
In the last 5 months i had seem to become less of myself, not so ME ya know... i stopped throwing caution to the wind, and the thing is... alan fell in love with me being myself, so i doomed the relationship the day i changed...
i have no idea why i changed and y i didnt change back over a 5 month period... but i do know now, i have to change back to myself before i start losing friends who friended me for being myself too... ive already lost the one important thing in my life i cant lose too much more
so yes, today i am admitting i am depressed, and there is nothing i can do about it, my love for alan is NEVER going to change no matter who comes along...
one day i do pray that he will see in me what he saw 3 years ago, and that one day i will be with him again whether its 2 days 2 months or 2 years... what i feel for him cant just be thrown away like he threw away what he felt for me...
thank you to all my friends for helping me through this rough time; krid, zeke, adam, ant, virginia, marko, kamma, and thanks to my mum shes suprisingly helped me alot
i dont no what id do without u guys, i know id probly be in alot of physical pain the i did to myself or id even be dead so i do love all u guys *hugs everyone*
and yes, if u havent known me for more than 5 months u will notice a dramatic change in my personality, and i do apologise if i do sometimes speak about alan or things to do with him, its because i cant help it really
there will be 2 different personalities that will come out of me,
1. the really loud outrageous making lame jokes happy side of me
2. the quiet depressed, and sad side of me
depending on how im feeling at the time will decide which of them u will see, you sometimes mite even see both, but i know that this disaster will leave me emotionally scard for a long time, probably even the rest of my life, but ill do my best to hide my pain, but sumtimes i will just have to let it out, i hope u understand
once again thank you all for caring for me
and yes i do accept that i am just friends with him... itll just take a while to get past everything cause it wasnt just a couple of months... it was 3 whole years!