CUT
Title: CUT
Parings: Ohno Satoshi/Sho Sakurai (yamapair, yep!)
Rating: R
Genre: Romance, Drama, Angst
Lenght : One-shot
beta reader & correction : mugen_ai3 I'll be eternally grateful to her for her kindness and her hard work. Thanks dear^O^
Disclamer: I own nothing except my stories....
Note : Ohno is 10 years old than Sho in this fic.
I am a miracle boy.
When people ask me who I am, that's what pop up to my mind. Ill for so much time, the doctors saved my life when nobody believed any more. Not me, or my parents, hardly anyone thought I'll pass by my teen years. So today I often have the feeling that I get through the mirror.
Since I'm able to understand what's around me, people told me to enjoy the moment I live, without thinking beyond years, sometimes in months for the worst moments of my illness.
When I stood up front of the hospital, my bag in the hand, my father and my mother by my side, I felt overflowed by the angst.
I was 15 years old, and I never thought I will have any future.
I should find a job, find a life, fuck. I wasn't prepared at all.
After some years of rebelliousness, I graduated from high school and I didn't want to carry on with the university. I've never been able to find out a goal in my life, how could I make a project for years?
I did all kind of jobs. I worked in a convini, in arcades, I was delivery boy, I worked in a family diner.
My 25th birthday was nearing when I met him for the first time.
This time I was waiter for a restaurant which my friend Masaki, my only friend, worked for.
I met Masaki at the high school and we've always been together since. He was very kind and generous and never judged my dilettante way of life, unlike many people and it was far enough for me. I had a genuine friend it was far better than so many others could claim.
He worked in a truly chic restaurant as wine keeper and had an extra to do in an art gallery for a launch party. He asked me to come along. I worked in the convini at this time, so I was not against some extra money.
When I came in, the party was about to begin and the first guests came in. I put my tuxedo quickly and Masaki gave me a platter full of champagne glasses. All of Tokyo's high society was there. I saw celebrities of the show business, and a lot of people stinking money...and who never seemed to learn the politeness.
I took a look vaguely at the painting on the wall where everybody was gathered. They drool over some painting which could be hanging upside down and not one of them would notice.
In a quiet corner, I rested a moment to laugh at my ease front of a particular ridiculous one.
I drank a sip from a glass when suddenly I felt that someone was there by my side.
"Oh, sorry!" I said putting the glass back on the platter, but he didn't react, simply looking at the painting.
He was not dressed like the others. He wore a black leather jacket, jeans and biker's boots. He didn't look at me and drank his glass quietly.
"You like it?” He asked with a singing voice.
"I can hardly have an opinion..." I tried to make it through like I could...and if he was the painter?
"Of course, you can, everybody knows what he likes, no? Everybody can have an opinion about art...
“So, if I can speak frankly: not so much, I mean, I don't understand it. Why does this woman have so many eyes and noses? Not to mention the rest, the flashy colors! How could someone possibly want to hang up this in his living room?"
He laughed and I found him charming. Not that I was attracted by men, but he has a strange aura...a special aura. I never felt that way before.
"For someone who have no opinion, you seem to have a lot of things to say.
“Sorry.”
“No, it's great to hear the truth sometimes. But in a certain way, I like it."
He looked at me with a smile and I nodded...everybody is free to think what he wants, no? He carried on.
"I'm not sure I understand for certain what the artist is trying to convey, but I like to think that he met someone...
“You can tell that by looking this painting?”
-Yeah! Did you ever saw a beautiful woman in the street? You can see her walking, perhaps she smiles to you when she notices your look, she's near you, you smell his perfume, you turn around and see her calves, perhaps her skirt flying in the wind...
"Oh..." I looked the painting with a new eye. He was right; she was there this woman, face, side and back. "As if she was in 3D..." I can't prevent myself to say this silliness and I felt really idiot suddenly. But he smiled at me a little more.
"As if she was in 3D! That's it...Though, I'm not an expert, it's just a personal opinion.
“It seems wise.”
“Pardon me. I didn't introduce myself, Ohno Satoshi.”
“Sakurai Sho. Yoroshiku onegaishimasu. Tell me, you're not the painter?”
“No, don't worry; I can't draw even if my life was at stake”.
“Sho-kun, what are you doing?"
It was Masaki who was worrying of the fact that he couldn’t find me since altmost a quarter of an hour.
“Truly sorry,” I said, I totally forgot I was working tonight, I enjoyed myself without any remorse.
"I was chatting with..." I turned back and see he has vanished like if it was just a dream. Perhaps was it my imagination.
I came back to work and I looked for him in the crowd. I saw him with a woman then he disappeared again.
I couldn't say I was disappointed, not so much, but I was intrigued, truly, and I wondered what kind of man he could be. Rich certainly cause he was in this gallery, even if he didn't wear a suit like the others.
It was late at night when we came back at Masaki's place and I felt asleep after taking my usual pills...
I saw him weeks later in the middle of the night. I was reading lazily a manga behind my counter in the convini and he appears as if by magic.
I smiled awkwardly because he came to me immediately.
"Hi.
“Oh, he...Hi!
“You remember me?”
“The art gallery, of course, Ohno-san?" I could have lied and make as if I had forgotten him but for what would that prove? He knew who I was, obviously.
"You have a good memory.”
He looked around him. Today, he wore a dark suit and a long dark coat with leather gloves. There was a serious contrast with my apron where a happy bunny told "The client is the king.”
"How long have you been working here?”
“This is one of my part-time jobs.”
-You couldn't find a job?
“I didn't look for a job.”
He looked amused.
"Do you need something?”
“Sorry?”
“There. Do you need something? “I get out from my counter to guide him in through the store.
"Do you have any art magazine?
“I don't think so. Those aren’t really the kind of books the people buy in this kind of slum neighbourhood. But I’ll check."
I led him where the magazines were and he followed me in silence. Obviously he was not there for that, so what did he truly want?
I took a look slowly knowing perfectly there was nothing in the stack.
"No, sorry..."
I stood up suddenly and he was near me, too near for my sanity.
"It's not a big deal.”
“But, perhaps, if you gave me your number, I could command some of them and warn you when they are here."
I became aware of my ridiculousness. He could find the magazine in any book store in Tokyo, it was just a desperate maneuver to create a link with this fascinating stranger.
"Dozo." he simply answered giving me a white card with only his name, his first name and his phone number.
I giggled stupidly. I couldn't believe he accepted.
"Why are you laughing?”
-This white card. People love put a lot of information like their job, the place where they work, yours is particularly...neutral."
I can't learn anything more with this card. I was a little frustrated....He smiled at me and left the convini.
Few minutes later I took my mobile and dial his number.
I've could use the convini phone, but I didn't.
He picked up at the first ring and I heard his breathing.
"It's me...hum...Sakurai Sho. I realized that you didn't give me a name for your magazine."
I could swear I heard him smiling. Long seconds after he answered.
"Does it really matter?”
“Oh no, not really."
Luckily for me, he was not front of me, I was probably red.
I just hung up. What was I doing?
This night when I get home, Masaki was there, playing with my Wii. I set near him after bringing us some beer and I took a remote without saying anything.
I didn't talk about Ohno this time. However he was anything I could though.
Weeks passed before I could hear him again. I saw him twice only, we can barely call it a relationship, but I felt like a link between us. Why didn't he came back ? I should call him, it's true, pretending I had his magazine but something hold me back, though I didn't know what.
But a night I was alone in the convini, I breaked down and called him.
How could I be so nervous at the phone? Like the first time, he picked up instantanely, surprising me.
"It's me, Sakurai. The...the convini boy. You asked me to tell you when your magazine was there.
-Really?
-Maybe I was wrong. Excuse-me."
I wanted hang up when I heard his voice in the far. I took again my phone.
"Hi?
-Could you take it to me? I'm working.
-I...I'm still working and I don't know where you work.
-I'll be there all night long, come when you've done."
I slowly hang up and just after I received an e-mail with his adress.
Without knowing why I agreed with that, I was in the middle of the night in the business district of Tokyo absolutly deserted.
I came in the huger building and a guard let me in as if the fact I was there in the middle of the night was natural.
I took the elevator and arrived in a empty floor totally dark.
From the gigantic windows, we could see the Tokyo Tower illuminated above the sleepy city.
At the far of the room, a big desk full of PC and behind, when I get in, I saw him glasses on the nose, a concentred look in the eyes that I never saw.
"Hi." I said shyly, taking my magazines front of me, nervously.
He looked at me and smiled cryptically.
"Good evening, please come in. Excuse me for making you come here, but I had a lot of work and...I really wanted to have this magazine as soon as possible."
I blushed and looked down.
But he stood up and came to me. I gave him my package and he took it without looking, his eyes staring at me. My heart raced like a screwy clock.
"Why didn't you call me back sooner?”
“I- I didn't know how-" What could I tell without seeming to be arrogant as I expected he call me or stupid?
"You should..."
He put his hand on my cheek to coerce me to look him in the eyes, or was it simply a caress?
When I felt his lips on mine, my doubts flew away. So he felt this attraction too. It was not only my imagination. I never kissed a man for all my life, I didn't know if I wanted to, but with him, it was just natural. He didn't ask me and I didn't refuse because, I knew the first time I saw him that I desired him madly.
He put his hand on my back and pulled me against his chest, groaning in my mouth, his tongue dueling with mine.
When he broke the kiss, he whispered in my ear, "Come to my place tomorrow."
I didn't say anything and he went back behind his desk without paying attention to me anymore. My legs were shaking, I had the feeling that the world was turning around me.
Like a robot, I get back in the elevator and returned to my flat. I didn't sleep that night, I was waiting for an e-mail which never came. I didn't get to work either; my mind was only focused on what happened between Satoshi and I.
Should I call him back if he didn't? Should I accept to go to his place?
By the end of the day, I took my jacket and went to Masaki's apartment to forget my angst. He didn't ask me anything simply opening his door and letting me in.
We talked about casusal things, about work too, his, cause mine had strictly zero interest.
When my mobile rang, I felt a thrill of awe and pleasure mixed. And if it was someone else?
I opened it and saw an address on the screen.
It was a high class area from down town which I never get to.
There was no hour in his text but I couldn't wait. If I could have a doubt before, I had no more at this time.
Masaki took my wrist as I stood up.
"What's going on with you Sho?”
“Nothing.”
“You would tell me if you had any problems?” he gave me a sceptical look.
“You know I would."
But I knew I wouldn't. I didn't recognize me anymore and I couldn't explain it to him, because I didn't understand it myself.
I nervously took several trains to get to the more upscale part of Tokyo that was indicated on Satoshi’s e-mail. Masaki phone me repeatedly but, I ignore his calls.
Satoshi lived at the top of his upper class building which had one of these terraces you can only see in deco magazines.
I wondered what I was doing here. What could he possibly want from me? These questions turned endlessly in my mind.
"Have you eaten?" He asked me simply as if I came back home after a long work day.
I shook my head nervously. My stomach was too tight to accept any food today.
"Come sit down. I made you dinner."
I sat at the big marble counter and he sat by my side to look at me while I was eating.
"You...You aren’t eating?" I asked shyly. He shook his head and stared me, smiling happily as if I was the only man in the world.
"You like?”
-It's delicious, kareiraisu is my favorite dish."
He smiled again, as if he knew it, it was very...confusing.
I finished my diner then he took my hand and led me in the living room. He invited me to sit. I was surprised to see painting we’d analyzed at the gallery hanging on the opposite wall.
I stood up to behold it once again.
"I went back." I muttered.
"Where?”
“To the gallery. I wanted to see it again.”
“Now, you can see as much as you want." He whispered near my ear as he put his arms around my waist and his chin on my shoulder.
Why felt I so comfortable with him and in the meantime so confused? My heart pounded so strong in my chest, as if it wanted to go toward him.
"What's the name?
“The encounter."
I smiled.
"So you knew, when you recount this painting to me?
“More or less."
I didn't asked how much it could cost, but it must be a huge sum...
He kissed the bottom of my nape tenderly but it was enough to make me groan from pleasure. He took me back at the couch and straddled me, taking off his wool sweater, dropping it on the floor.
He was amazing, thin and lithe like a dancer. He let me watch him for a while, giving me time to swallow the big knot in my throat and I didn't resist stroking his muscular belly slowly. I saw his skin erecting under my fingers and he put his crotch to my lower part making me feel his desire. My cheeks burned me and my breath became shorter. However, he took ruthlessly my mouth and put his hands under my T-shirt. He had fascinating hands, they were not girly by far but, they had an elegance I had never seen before.
I looked down and I saw his fingers caressing my naked skin. I shut my eyes and put my lips on his, begging for a contact I still missed. It was not enough for me. I unzipped his jeans, stroking his cock across the black materiel of his boxer. I've never done this before but I didn't think about it, I enjoyed what life gave me, like I always did. He would probably not be there tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow and will vanish like he appears. It could only be his tonight.
He put his fingers through the buttons of my pants and smiled at me, feeling me so hard for him. I thought I going to cry so much I wanted him.
It's only when he tried to take off my T-shirt that I came back on earth. I stopped him, pulling him away. He looked at me surprised.
"It's not what you're thinking..."I simply explained, I didn't want to talk about me in this moment...to tell what? "I've a bad scar..."
He said nothing, once again, but took my hand and brought me in his bedroom.
Satoshi put the light on, above the bed and lay me down.
I tried to stop him once again when he put up my T-shirt but he kissed me briefly and I shut up.
Then he took it off and I felt so naked under his gaze suddenly. He looked with emotion the long scar which cut my chest in two different parts and I saw clearly his jaw tightening. He reached out a finger and stroked it gently before dipping down and kissing it.
Then he came back to me and kissed me furiously, taking me with him in the storm. I was afraid no more. I just wanted so much to be his that when he took me, I had the feeling of being alive for the first time. Totally alive.
No more pain...The pain I knew it too well, it was my old enemy and it never brought me pleasure.
When I began to see stars because he pounded me endlessly, I finally learned that I could brought to bliss too. Without noticing, tears began to fell down and he eased the movement of his hips, until he stop totally, kissing me lightly, calling me back to him.
Then we moved together slowly till we came together.
He lay on his back near me and opened his arms. I put my head on his sweaty chest and kissed it.
"Sorry."
He looked down his belly where my semen was. He took a handkerchief box and gave it to me. I cleaned him and start to chuckle.
"I haven't done that since years. I look like a teen who jerked in the bathroom and clean his foolishness.
“It was foolishness for you?"
I felt my stomach turning upside down. I didn't answer but he took my chin in his hand to make me look at him. He waited an answer.
"No. But we're strangers to each other. Nothing makes sense between us.
“Do you want to move in here?”
“I- what?” I was speechless, I had to be hearing him incorrectly.
“With me." He elaborated.
I wanted to say yes without thinking any further but it's my brain who took the advantage.
"Why?”
“You don't want to?”
“Why do you always answer with a question?”
“Say yes.”
-It's not appropriate.
“Fuck the appropriate. It took me so long to find you. I don't want you go away from me.”
“Satoshi.”
“Say yes."
He meant it. His face was deadly serious. He tilted me and lay down on me, feeling so heavy on me.
"Say yes." he whispered in my ear.
I shut my eyes and nodded.
I came back at my place only to take some stuff and to see Masaki who was worried about me. It was not easy to explain him what was happening in my life. First, I’ve never dated a man in my life. Telling him I'm going to live with one was hard to believe.
He refused to let me leave, until I agreed to bring him home with me. I think that if his jaw was not attached to the rest of his body, it would’ve fallen on the floor.
"It's his apartment? What's his work?”
“He works in the business district.”
“Ok, but what job? Because I want to work there!”
“Don't touch anything!”
“Don't worry, I will not touch anything." He put his hands up willingly and sat on the couch. "Is it the painting?”
“Yeah. Want something to drink?”
“What do you have?”
“Everything, I think." I took a look at the cellar on the left of the fridge and opted for two beers. The seemed like a safe choice.
"You're in love?"
He never asked me.
"Yes.
“With a man who’s what ten years older?”
“I can't help myself. If you can see him...you'll understand.”
“Do you have a picture?”
“It's not my dog, I don't have his picture in my wallet.”
“No, but, we're at his place, there's no frame, not a single picture, don't you think it's strange?”
“It's true." I looked around me and he was right.
"You don't know what his job is, you don't have any pictures, he has a president apartment, are you sure is not a yakuza boss?"
In this very minute, I heard the door open. I didn't expect it.
Satoshi didn't seemed surprise to find a stranger in his living room, but I’m getting used to it, nothing seemed to surprise him.
He kissed me unashamed.
"Tadaima"
-O...okaeri. " I was embarrassed to blush front of Masaki but he turned me so much I can't hide it. "This is my friend, Aiba Masaki.
-Ohno Satoshi, nice to meet you."
I smiled wickedly seeing Masaki's face. At least, now he could understand me.
When we get in bed this night, I couldn't help myself to ask him some question.
"What is your job?”
“You want to know?”
“Yeah, of course!”
“I work with money. I buy society, I sell it and make money, nothing really exciting.
“Why are there no pictures in your apartment?"
For the very first time, he seemed embarrassed.
"Because I have no one, except you.”
“Parents?”
“They are dead, I'm all alone.”
“You never lived with another man?"
For a 35 years old man, my question was natural.
"I was married once.”
“You...you were married?”
“You seem astonished? You think no woman can accept me?" He started to laugh.
"No, what astonished me is that you were not gay.”
“You weren’t either."
It was undeniable.
"That's all?" he asked.
"Are you divorced?”
“No. Widower.”
-Oh, I see. How long has it been?
“An eternity."
He ended the conversation unbuttoning quickly my shirt and nibbling my collarbone avidly.
I let my desire take me away, like every time he puts his hand on my body.
I couldn't resist him.
Weeks later, as I was going out from our home, I fell on a woman who was about to knock at the door.
She seemed as surprised at finding me there as my finding her.
"I came to see Satoshi-kun" She explained to me.
"I'm Sakurai Sho." I didn't know exactly what Satoshi has told his friend about me, I never met anyone.
"You live with him?" she asked me thoroughly.
I nodded.
"I'm the mother of his passed wife."
I let her come in to drink a tea and it's precisely at this moment I tumbled in the harsh reality.
She told me about the happy married life Satoshi had with his wife.
She was kind enough, and genuinely happy that he found someone to love again. I felt really touched by this woman and she asked me if she could come back to see me another time.
Then I wait for Satoshi to come home from work.
I don't know how many hours have passed but, when he finally arrived home it was dark outside.
He saw immediately that something happened because he sat front of me without kissing me.
"When did you figure it would be a good time to tell me?”
“Tell you what?”
“About your wife.”
“I told you everything I could tell. She's dead. End of the story.” He told me evasively.
“It will be so simple, ne? Her mother came today and she told me everything.”
“What did she tell you?”
“How much you were destroyed when she dies. How much you were destroyed when they convince you to give his organs because she it was her wish. That she's dead in January the 30th, 2002. 10 years ago, the very day I received a person's heart that died in a car crash. Is it her heart in my chest?"
He let his head down in silence and for a second I saw the desperate man who has lost his beloved wife.
"Is this the reason? All this- You wanted to keep her heart near you? You're a sick person!"
I understood finally. This casual encounter, this relationship so rushed, the statement: "It took me so long to find you"
I stood up and without looking up, he gripped my wrist. I looked at him and sincerely feel the pain he felt. I brushed his hair and he caught my waist, putting his head on my belly and I felt his tears falling on me.
"Is it because she's in you that you love me?"
I was petrified. Was he right? This evidence between us, this pain when he left my side?
I kneeled and cupped his head in my hands. I kissed him until he stopped crying and for the first time, I didn't answer.
Maybe.
"Do you love me?" It's all I could say. It was the only important thing actually, whatever the reason could be. He nodded.
"So, I'll don't break your heart once again."
We are happy together today. We have the life of a couple in love, harmonious and we don’t speak of that incident. I know he loves me for the person I am, beyond the heart that beats for him in my chest.
Parings: Ohno Satoshi/Sho Sakurai (yamapair, yep!)
Rating: R
Genre: Romance, Drama, Angst
Lenght : One-shot
beta reader & correction : mugen_ai3 I'll be eternally grateful to her for her kindness and her hard work. Thanks dear^O^
Disclamer: I own nothing except my stories....
Note : Ohno is 10 years old than Sho in this fic.
I am a miracle boy.
When people ask me who I am, that's what pop up to my mind. Ill for so much time, the doctors saved my life when nobody believed any more. Not me, or my parents, hardly anyone thought I'll pass by my teen years. So today I often have the feeling that I get through the mirror.
Since I'm able to understand what's around me, people told me to enjoy the moment I live, without thinking beyond years, sometimes in months for the worst moments of my illness.
When I stood up front of the hospital, my bag in the hand, my father and my mother by my side, I felt overflowed by the angst.
I was 15 years old, and I never thought I will have any future.
I should find a job, find a life, fuck. I wasn't prepared at all.
After some years of rebelliousness, I graduated from high school and I didn't want to carry on with the university. I've never been able to find out a goal in my life, how could I make a project for years?
I did all kind of jobs. I worked in a convini, in arcades, I was delivery boy, I worked in a family diner.
My 25th birthday was nearing when I met him for the first time.
This time I was waiter for a restaurant which my friend Masaki, my only friend, worked for.
I met Masaki at the high school and we've always been together since. He was very kind and generous and never judged my dilettante way of life, unlike many people and it was far enough for me. I had a genuine friend it was far better than so many others could claim.
He worked in a truly chic restaurant as wine keeper and had an extra to do in an art gallery for a launch party. He asked me to come along. I worked in the convini at this time, so I was not against some extra money.
When I came in, the party was about to begin and the first guests came in. I put my tuxedo quickly and Masaki gave me a platter full of champagne glasses. All of Tokyo's high society was there. I saw celebrities of the show business, and a lot of people stinking money...and who never seemed to learn the politeness.
I took a look vaguely at the painting on the wall where everybody was gathered. They drool over some painting which could be hanging upside down and not one of them would notice.
In a quiet corner, I rested a moment to laugh at my ease front of a particular ridiculous one.
I drank a sip from a glass when suddenly I felt that someone was there by my side.
"Oh, sorry!" I said putting the glass back on the platter, but he didn't react, simply looking at the painting.
He was not dressed like the others. He wore a black leather jacket, jeans and biker's boots. He didn't look at me and drank his glass quietly.
"You like it?” He asked with a singing voice.
"I can hardly have an opinion..." I tried to make it through like I could...and if he was the painter?
"Of course, you can, everybody knows what he likes, no? Everybody can have an opinion about art...
“So, if I can speak frankly: not so much, I mean, I don't understand it. Why does this woman have so many eyes and noses? Not to mention the rest, the flashy colors! How could someone possibly want to hang up this in his living room?"
He laughed and I found him charming. Not that I was attracted by men, but he has a strange aura...a special aura. I never felt that way before.
"For someone who have no opinion, you seem to have a lot of things to say.
“Sorry.”
“No, it's great to hear the truth sometimes. But in a certain way, I like it."
He looked at me with a smile and I nodded...everybody is free to think what he wants, no? He carried on.
"I'm not sure I understand for certain what the artist is trying to convey, but I like to think that he met someone...
“You can tell that by looking this painting?”
-Yeah! Did you ever saw a beautiful woman in the street? You can see her walking, perhaps she smiles to you when she notices your look, she's near you, you smell his perfume, you turn around and see her calves, perhaps her skirt flying in the wind...
"Oh..." I looked the painting with a new eye. He was right; she was there this woman, face, side and back. "As if she was in 3D..." I can't prevent myself to say this silliness and I felt really idiot suddenly. But he smiled at me a little more.
"As if she was in 3D! That's it...Though, I'm not an expert, it's just a personal opinion.
“It seems wise.”
“Pardon me. I didn't introduce myself, Ohno Satoshi.”
“Sakurai Sho. Yoroshiku onegaishimasu. Tell me, you're not the painter?”
“No, don't worry; I can't draw even if my life was at stake”.
“Sho-kun, what are you doing?"
It was Masaki who was worrying of the fact that he couldn’t find me since altmost a quarter of an hour.
“Truly sorry,” I said, I totally forgot I was working tonight, I enjoyed myself without any remorse.
"I was chatting with..." I turned back and see he has vanished like if it was just a dream. Perhaps was it my imagination.
I came back to work and I looked for him in the crowd. I saw him with a woman then he disappeared again.
I couldn't say I was disappointed, not so much, but I was intrigued, truly, and I wondered what kind of man he could be. Rich certainly cause he was in this gallery, even if he didn't wear a suit like the others.
It was late at night when we came back at Masaki's place and I felt asleep after taking my usual pills...
I saw him weeks later in the middle of the night. I was reading lazily a manga behind my counter in the convini and he appears as if by magic.
I smiled awkwardly because he came to me immediately.
"Hi.
“Oh, he...Hi!
“You remember me?”
“The art gallery, of course, Ohno-san?" I could have lied and make as if I had forgotten him but for what would that prove? He knew who I was, obviously.
"You have a good memory.”
He looked around him. Today, he wore a dark suit and a long dark coat with leather gloves. There was a serious contrast with my apron where a happy bunny told "The client is the king.”
"How long have you been working here?”
“This is one of my part-time jobs.”
-You couldn't find a job?
“I didn't look for a job.”
He looked amused.
"Do you need something?”
“Sorry?”
“There. Do you need something? “I get out from my counter to guide him in through the store.
"Do you have any art magazine?
“I don't think so. Those aren’t really the kind of books the people buy in this kind of slum neighbourhood. But I’ll check."
I led him where the magazines were and he followed me in silence. Obviously he was not there for that, so what did he truly want?
I took a look slowly knowing perfectly there was nothing in the stack.
"No, sorry..."
I stood up suddenly and he was near me, too near for my sanity.
"It's not a big deal.”
“But, perhaps, if you gave me your number, I could command some of them and warn you when they are here."
I became aware of my ridiculousness. He could find the magazine in any book store in Tokyo, it was just a desperate maneuver to create a link with this fascinating stranger.
"Dozo." he simply answered giving me a white card with only his name, his first name and his phone number.
I giggled stupidly. I couldn't believe he accepted.
"Why are you laughing?”
-This white card. People love put a lot of information like their job, the place where they work, yours is particularly...neutral."
I can't learn anything more with this card. I was a little frustrated....He smiled at me and left the convini.
Few minutes later I took my mobile and dial his number.
I've could use the convini phone, but I didn't.
He picked up at the first ring and I heard his breathing.
"It's me...hum...Sakurai Sho. I realized that you didn't give me a name for your magazine."
I could swear I heard him smiling. Long seconds after he answered.
"Does it really matter?”
“Oh no, not really."
Luckily for me, he was not front of me, I was probably red.
I just hung up. What was I doing?
This night when I get home, Masaki was there, playing with my Wii. I set near him after bringing us some beer and I took a remote without saying anything.
I didn't talk about Ohno this time. However he was anything I could though.
Weeks passed before I could hear him again. I saw him twice only, we can barely call it a relationship, but I felt like a link between us. Why didn't he came back ? I should call him, it's true, pretending I had his magazine but something hold me back, though I didn't know what.
But a night I was alone in the convini, I breaked down and called him.
How could I be so nervous at the phone? Like the first time, he picked up instantanely, surprising me.
"It's me, Sakurai. The...the convini boy. You asked me to tell you when your magazine was there.
-Really?
-Maybe I was wrong. Excuse-me."
I wanted hang up when I heard his voice in the far. I took again my phone.
"Hi?
-Could you take it to me? I'm working.
-I...I'm still working and I don't know where you work.
-I'll be there all night long, come when you've done."
I slowly hang up and just after I received an e-mail with his adress.
Without knowing why I agreed with that, I was in the middle of the night in the business district of Tokyo absolutly deserted.
I came in the huger building and a guard let me in as if the fact I was there in the middle of the night was natural.
I took the elevator and arrived in a empty floor totally dark.
From the gigantic windows, we could see the Tokyo Tower illuminated above the sleepy city.
At the far of the room, a big desk full of PC and behind, when I get in, I saw him glasses on the nose, a concentred look in the eyes that I never saw.
"Hi." I said shyly, taking my magazines front of me, nervously.
He looked at me and smiled cryptically.
"Good evening, please come in. Excuse me for making you come here, but I had a lot of work and...I really wanted to have this magazine as soon as possible."
I blushed and looked down.
But he stood up and came to me. I gave him my package and he took it without looking, his eyes staring at me. My heart raced like a screwy clock.
"Why didn't you call me back sooner?”
“I- I didn't know how-" What could I tell without seeming to be arrogant as I expected he call me or stupid?
"You should..."
He put his hand on my cheek to coerce me to look him in the eyes, or was it simply a caress?
When I felt his lips on mine, my doubts flew away. So he felt this attraction too. It was not only my imagination. I never kissed a man for all my life, I didn't know if I wanted to, but with him, it was just natural. He didn't ask me and I didn't refuse because, I knew the first time I saw him that I desired him madly.
He put his hand on my back and pulled me against his chest, groaning in my mouth, his tongue dueling with mine.
When he broke the kiss, he whispered in my ear, "Come to my place tomorrow."
I didn't say anything and he went back behind his desk without paying attention to me anymore. My legs were shaking, I had the feeling that the world was turning around me.
Like a robot, I get back in the elevator and returned to my flat. I didn't sleep that night, I was waiting for an e-mail which never came. I didn't get to work either; my mind was only focused on what happened between Satoshi and I.
Should I call him back if he didn't? Should I accept to go to his place?
By the end of the day, I took my jacket and went to Masaki's apartment to forget my angst. He didn't ask me anything simply opening his door and letting me in.
We talked about casusal things, about work too, his, cause mine had strictly zero interest.
When my mobile rang, I felt a thrill of awe and pleasure mixed. And if it was someone else?
I opened it and saw an address on the screen.
It was a high class area from down town which I never get to.
There was no hour in his text but I couldn't wait. If I could have a doubt before, I had no more at this time.
Masaki took my wrist as I stood up.
"What's going on with you Sho?”
“Nothing.”
“You would tell me if you had any problems?” he gave me a sceptical look.
“You know I would."
But I knew I wouldn't. I didn't recognize me anymore and I couldn't explain it to him, because I didn't understand it myself.
I nervously took several trains to get to the more upscale part of Tokyo that was indicated on Satoshi’s e-mail. Masaki phone me repeatedly but, I ignore his calls.
Satoshi lived at the top of his upper class building which had one of these terraces you can only see in deco magazines.
I wondered what I was doing here. What could he possibly want from me? These questions turned endlessly in my mind.
"Have you eaten?" He asked me simply as if I came back home after a long work day.
I shook my head nervously. My stomach was too tight to accept any food today.
"Come sit down. I made you dinner."
I sat at the big marble counter and he sat by my side to look at me while I was eating.
"You...You aren’t eating?" I asked shyly. He shook his head and stared me, smiling happily as if I was the only man in the world.
"You like?”
-It's delicious, kareiraisu is my favorite dish."
He smiled again, as if he knew it, it was very...confusing.
I finished my diner then he took my hand and led me in the living room. He invited me to sit. I was surprised to see painting we’d analyzed at the gallery hanging on the opposite wall.
I stood up to behold it once again.
"I went back." I muttered.
"Where?”
“To the gallery. I wanted to see it again.”
“Now, you can see as much as you want." He whispered near my ear as he put his arms around my waist and his chin on my shoulder.
Why felt I so comfortable with him and in the meantime so confused? My heart pounded so strong in my chest, as if it wanted to go toward him.
"What's the name?
“The encounter."
I smiled.
"So you knew, when you recount this painting to me?
“More or less."
I didn't asked how much it could cost, but it must be a huge sum...
He kissed the bottom of my nape tenderly but it was enough to make me groan from pleasure. He took me back at the couch and straddled me, taking off his wool sweater, dropping it on the floor.
He was amazing, thin and lithe like a dancer. He let me watch him for a while, giving me time to swallow the big knot in my throat and I didn't resist stroking his muscular belly slowly. I saw his skin erecting under my fingers and he put his crotch to my lower part making me feel his desire. My cheeks burned me and my breath became shorter. However, he took ruthlessly my mouth and put his hands under my T-shirt. He had fascinating hands, they were not girly by far but, they had an elegance I had never seen before.
I looked down and I saw his fingers caressing my naked skin. I shut my eyes and put my lips on his, begging for a contact I still missed. It was not enough for me. I unzipped his jeans, stroking his cock across the black materiel of his boxer. I've never done this before but I didn't think about it, I enjoyed what life gave me, like I always did. He would probably not be there tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow and will vanish like he appears. It could only be his tonight.
He put his fingers through the buttons of my pants and smiled at me, feeling me so hard for him. I thought I going to cry so much I wanted him.
It's only when he tried to take off my T-shirt that I came back on earth. I stopped him, pulling him away. He looked at me surprised.
"It's not what you're thinking..."I simply explained, I didn't want to talk about me in this moment...to tell what? "I've a bad scar..."
He said nothing, once again, but took my hand and brought me in his bedroom.
Satoshi put the light on, above the bed and lay me down.
I tried to stop him once again when he put up my T-shirt but he kissed me briefly and I shut up.
Then he took it off and I felt so naked under his gaze suddenly. He looked with emotion the long scar which cut my chest in two different parts and I saw clearly his jaw tightening. He reached out a finger and stroked it gently before dipping down and kissing it.
Then he came back to me and kissed me furiously, taking me with him in the storm. I was afraid no more. I just wanted so much to be his that when he took me, I had the feeling of being alive for the first time. Totally alive.
No more pain...The pain I knew it too well, it was my old enemy and it never brought me pleasure.
When I began to see stars because he pounded me endlessly, I finally learned that I could brought to bliss too. Without noticing, tears began to fell down and he eased the movement of his hips, until he stop totally, kissing me lightly, calling me back to him.
Then we moved together slowly till we came together.
He lay on his back near me and opened his arms. I put my head on his sweaty chest and kissed it.
"Sorry."
He looked down his belly where my semen was. He took a handkerchief box and gave it to me. I cleaned him and start to chuckle.
"I haven't done that since years. I look like a teen who jerked in the bathroom and clean his foolishness.
“It was foolishness for you?"
I felt my stomach turning upside down. I didn't answer but he took my chin in his hand to make me look at him. He waited an answer.
"No. But we're strangers to each other. Nothing makes sense between us.
“Do you want to move in here?”
“I- what?” I was speechless, I had to be hearing him incorrectly.
“With me." He elaborated.
I wanted to say yes without thinking any further but it's my brain who took the advantage.
"Why?”
“You don't want to?”
“Why do you always answer with a question?”
“Say yes.”
-It's not appropriate.
“Fuck the appropriate. It took me so long to find you. I don't want you go away from me.”
“Satoshi.”
“Say yes."
He meant it. His face was deadly serious. He tilted me and lay down on me, feeling so heavy on me.
"Say yes." he whispered in my ear.
I shut my eyes and nodded.
I came back at my place only to take some stuff and to see Masaki who was worried about me. It was not easy to explain him what was happening in my life. First, I’ve never dated a man in my life. Telling him I'm going to live with one was hard to believe.
He refused to let me leave, until I agreed to bring him home with me. I think that if his jaw was not attached to the rest of his body, it would’ve fallen on the floor.
"It's his apartment? What's his work?”
“He works in the business district.”
“Ok, but what job? Because I want to work there!”
“Don't touch anything!”
“Don't worry, I will not touch anything." He put his hands up willingly and sat on the couch. "Is it the painting?”
“Yeah. Want something to drink?”
“What do you have?”
“Everything, I think." I took a look at the cellar on the left of the fridge and opted for two beers. The seemed like a safe choice.
"You're in love?"
He never asked me.
"Yes.
“With a man who’s what ten years older?”
“I can't help myself. If you can see him...you'll understand.”
“Do you have a picture?”
“It's not my dog, I don't have his picture in my wallet.”
“No, but, we're at his place, there's no frame, not a single picture, don't you think it's strange?”
“It's true." I looked around me and he was right.
"You don't know what his job is, you don't have any pictures, he has a president apartment, are you sure is not a yakuza boss?"
In this very minute, I heard the door open. I didn't expect it.
Satoshi didn't seemed surprise to find a stranger in his living room, but I’m getting used to it, nothing seemed to surprise him.
He kissed me unashamed.
"Tadaima"
-O...okaeri. " I was embarrassed to blush front of Masaki but he turned me so much I can't hide it. "This is my friend, Aiba Masaki.
-Ohno Satoshi, nice to meet you."
I smiled wickedly seeing Masaki's face. At least, now he could understand me.
When we get in bed this night, I couldn't help myself to ask him some question.
"What is your job?”
“You want to know?”
“Yeah, of course!”
“I work with money. I buy society, I sell it and make money, nothing really exciting.
“Why are there no pictures in your apartment?"
For the very first time, he seemed embarrassed.
"Because I have no one, except you.”
“Parents?”
“They are dead, I'm all alone.”
“You never lived with another man?"
For a 35 years old man, my question was natural.
"I was married once.”
“You...you were married?”
“You seem astonished? You think no woman can accept me?" He started to laugh.
"No, what astonished me is that you were not gay.”
“You weren’t either."
It was undeniable.
"That's all?" he asked.
"Are you divorced?”
“No. Widower.”
-Oh, I see. How long has it been?
“An eternity."
He ended the conversation unbuttoning quickly my shirt and nibbling my collarbone avidly.
I let my desire take me away, like every time he puts his hand on my body.
I couldn't resist him.
Weeks later, as I was going out from our home, I fell on a woman who was about to knock at the door.
She seemed as surprised at finding me there as my finding her.
"I came to see Satoshi-kun" She explained to me.
"I'm Sakurai Sho." I didn't know exactly what Satoshi has told his friend about me, I never met anyone.
"You live with him?" she asked me thoroughly.
I nodded.
"I'm the mother of his passed wife."
I let her come in to drink a tea and it's precisely at this moment I tumbled in the harsh reality.
She told me about the happy married life Satoshi had with his wife.
She was kind enough, and genuinely happy that he found someone to love again. I felt really touched by this woman and she asked me if she could come back to see me another time.
Then I wait for Satoshi to come home from work.
I don't know how many hours have passed but, when he finally arrived home it was dark outside.
He saw immediately that something happened because he sat front of me without kissing me.
"When did you figure it would be a good time to tell me?”
“Tell you what?”
“About your wife.”
“I told you everything I could tell. She's dead. End of the story.” He told me evasively.
“It will be so simple, ne? Her mother came today and she told me everything.”
“What did she tell you?”
“How much you were destroyed when she dies. How much you were destroyed when they convince you to give his organs because she it was her wish. That she's dead in January the 30th, 2002. 10 years ago, the very day I received a person's heart that died in a car crash. Is it her heart in my chest?"
He let his head down in silence and for a second I saw the desperate man who has lost his beloved wife.
"Is this the reason? All this- You wanted to keep her heart near you? You're a sick person!"
I understood finally. This casual encounter, this relationship so rushed, the statement: "It took me so long to find you"
I stood up and without looking up, he gripped my wrist. I looked at him and sincerely feel the pain he felt. I brushed his hair and he caught my waist, putting his head on my belly and I felt his tears falling on me.
"Is it because she's in you that you love me?"
I was petrified. Was he right? This evidence between us, this pain when he left my side?
I kneeled and cupped his head in my hands. I kissed him until he stopped crying and for the first time, I didn't answer.
Maybe.
"Do you love me?" It's all I could say. It was the only important thing actually, whatever the reason could be. He nodded.
"So, I'll don't break your heart once again."
We are happy together today. We have the life of a couple in love, harmonious and we don’t speak of that incident. I know he loves me for the person I am, beyond the heart that beats for him in my chest.