Wallflower
Title: Wallflower
Pairing: Matsumoto Jun/Sho Sakurai
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my stories
Note: Millions of hug to shilriarizz who takes the time to find me in my cave and accept to be my beta <<33
I hate this. I wonder why I'm here, why I came. I'm truly a masochist, if I hadn't known until then, this is a real evidence.
I see them all in their party attire, moving on the dance floor, flirting, kissing when they think no one can see them. I suppose it's advantageous to be a wallflower. No one notices me, I'm the invisible man. People could almost sit on my knees thinking there's only a chair there.
I'm used to it, it's almost normal.
I forced myself to attend this Yull Ball, organized by the highschool's events committee, to not have to explain to my parents that I don't have any friends, much less a girlfriend.
I think they’ve never seen me as I really am. To be honest, I'm ugly. I'm too skinny and I've got thick eyebrows which settle on my face and make others think I'm always angry. My mouth is huge and I've got moles everywhere, even on my lips. I try to hide as much as I can, behind big glasses and long hair. And I always wear loose clothes which give the impression I'm bigger than I really am. But it's not enough. Because I'm always transparent. Not that it makes me sad, it could be worse if I get harrassed by others.
The music is always very loud and very basic in this kind of party and after one hour, I can't take it anymore. I discretely put on my earphones.
They are still moving but they are not dancing in rhythm anymore. It's like a movie in slow motion; everything is out of sync.
I see our class representative chatting with her friends, cheeks all red, and being driven out from the group abruptly. She walks through the dance floor and sheepishly waits behind two boys. They don't pay attention to her at first but when they do, they look each other as if they've won the lottery. I'm pretty sure that on Monday, one of them will go out with her... and if I'm right, he will be her third since September.
Nothing surprising there, though. She's pretty and nice, very considerate with everybody. I wonder if she knows I exist. Probably not. I did nothing to be catch her attention.
I turn my gaze over and I see a third year guy taking out a flask from his inner pocket and poured a big amount of alcohol in the fruit juice bowl. Mental note to myself, don’t drink except in the toilet.
They seem to really enjoy this party. I tried to remember anything I could tell my parents when I get home. Perhaps could I say I was in this group, there, playing janken...or this one behind the turntables. I'm hesitating...
What will seem more realistic?
I suddenly felt eyes trained on me.
It came from the other side of the room and it's a boy leaning against the wall alone. He smiles at me, arms crossed and I don't know why, but I hate this. Actually, it's so good to be invisible. I don't want him to think I feel superior to the others and that I don't blend in with them by choice. Whatever...I don't like that. Don't look at me. I'm the invisible man. I'm a wallflower and I'm pretty sure that if you squint your eyes, you'll see only the red line of the wall behind me.
He's a good looking guy. Why is he alone? His girlfriend must be at the toilet or with her friends.
I look around him. Who could she be? The big girl with long legs? Or the round and pretty one with her pink cheeks? I guess I'll see her when she comes back. I acted as if I didn't see him but he's my new focus.
A song ended, and another one, and another one again but he's still alone, no one by his side. He's a wallflower? Impossible...
But I must admit the truth. He's standing but he's by himself too. There are two of us. It's strange, it never happened before. If I dare I'll walk through this dance floor and I'll ask him. I'm sure that we have a lot to say among us wallflowers.
He's coming!
I look to the right then to the left, looking for someone else he might have been heading to, but there's no one except me. Shit. Luckily, I've got my earphones. If he talks to me, I'll act as if I can't hear him.
I could feel him sitting on the chair beside me.
I try to breathe calmly as if I was alone. So. I'm gonna wait a few seconds and attempt to escape, pretending I've got something to do. It must be late, and I could probably head back home now.
1, 2, 3, I tried to get up but suddenly I can hear the music again. When I looked at him, he's got one of my earphones in hand.
"What are you listening to?" he asks me, smiling.
"I...I.."
"May I?" He was already putting on the earphone and I couldn't do anything but to sit down if I don't want to lose the other earpiece. I'm blushing like a fool It's so embarrassing.
"What is it?"
"Da..Daft Punk.
"You like electro music?"
"Not all of them."
"It's pretty good. It's melodic for electro."
He's weird. Why is he talking to me? Why can he see me?
"What's your name?"
"Matsumoto."
"Matsumoto who?"
"Matsumoto Jun."
"I'm Sakurai. Sakurai Sho. Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too."
"You're by yourself?"
"Hm...Yes."
"Me too. Tonight, I'm a wallflower."
I smirked. It's awkward to hear him use the same word I always use.
"So, we're wallflower friends." I whisper to myself, not willing to be heard.
"If you want, yes, wallflower friends."
He stretches out his hand but I only nod. Nobody has ever touched me except my parents. I don't want him to feel my hands shaking. He pulls his hand back but he did not seem offended, he's still smiling.
"I'm the president of the highschool's events committee that's why I'm not with the others."
Finally, I understand why he's here, near me.
"And you?"
"I'm not a member of the highschool's events committee" I answered stupidly. Of course, I'm not, he knows it, what fool I am...but he laughed.
"I know. I'm just wondering why you're alone."
"I'm not very interesting. And I like watching people so it doesn't bother me, really. I'm not very at ease with the others."
"Why?"
Is he really interested or is he just pretending to be a nice guy?
"I'm not used to it, I suppose."
He laughed again. I like his laugh, it's really expressive.
"You've transferred here this year ? I’ve never seen you before."
"Yes, my father was transferred here this year so we all moved."
"He works at the factory?"
Everybody in this small town works at the factory.
"Like everybody."
"True. Like everybody. It's a small town..."
It's worse that no one noticed me then? I find myself pretty skillful to manage to do it and by the way he's looking at me, he must think the same. Or is it pity?
Quickly, it’s becoming unbearable. He looks at me so sincerely... Could he be thinking this wallflower friends stuff was a real proposition? Does he really think a guy like me could pretend to be the committee president's friend?
"Are you happy here?"
"Whatever."
"You'll see, there's nothing to do here....or perhaps you’ve noticed it already.. but the people here are nice and warm.
"I think I'm gonna head back home."
"It's still early."
I wonder if he's really friendly and nice, or if he just didn't want to be alone by himself. I don't really understand. He's a good looking guy -and by the looks of it- he seems to be smart, he's president of something in the highschool and so I suppose he's popular... I don't have any clue.
Plus, I don't want to care about someone else. I stood up after taking my earphone back, pulling on the cable and bowed before going back home.
My parents were struggling for power, one Wii mote in each hand, trying to rip the throats out of the other players. I bet it's to decide which of them will do the chores this week. My mother paused when she saw me and asked me to tell her every detail of the party.
"Did you met a girl?"
"There's a lot of girls in highschool, mom, obviously I met some tonight."
"And your friends?"
"They're fine."
"So bring back some of them home, I'll be delighted to meet them."
"Sure. I’m going to bed, I'm exhausted."
"And Jun! Pull your fringe up, I can't see your face."
"Mom... I’m going to bed..."
"Your fringe! Don't make me repeat it. It's a waste to hide such a beautiful face."
I took the headband which was always in my pocket and I set it on my hair, revealing my eyes.
And so I see the light.
They seem happy , it makes me happy too somehow. I got up into my bedroom and I can finally take my camera from my vest. They are all there on the film. My wallflower friend too.
=+=+
Monday at school, nothing has really changed. The same routine and the same chair in the middle of the class. It's surely the best place to not be noticed. In the back of the class, the yankees and in the front the good students. I didn't belong to any of these groups, so the middle seemed to be the best choice. And 2 rows before me, sat our pretty class representative, Kaela Kimura. I’ve never met anyone like her in any of the schools I've attended till now.
She's small, pretty in an unusual way, she smiles all the time and is a bit clumsy but it makes her more adorable. She turned around and smiled at me. I blushed an awful lot but I heard the voice of the girl behind me. Crap. She was talking to her, not to me. Crap. What would I do if it was me? She's beautifully dressed today... If I was surprised at first to learn that this highschool had no uniform, I finally found some advantage to it. I'm now a graduate of camouflage level 2.
However, I love fashion. Tremendously. It's just that I don't have the body or the mentality to assume an eccentricity.
We came to this town a few months ago, my father had no choice to keep his job, and if we are not truly poor, we're not at ease too. That's why I decided to find a part-time job to help them. Even if it's just for my studies or my photos, it will ease my mind.
Between two classes, I went to the board to check the job advertisements and I kept two. A bookstore and a cafe. To be frank, I'm more interested in the bookstore. It's just the perfect place for a guy like me. I went to the cafe first for the good of my nerves and the boss received me warmly but when I looked around me, I don't feel good. It's a big place, shiny, and full of the students I meet everyday at school and for someone like me, it's a pain in the ass. I couldn't refuse the offer before knowing if the job at the bookstore is still vacant and so I thanked him and crossed the street. Coincidentally, the cafe and the bookstore is facing each other but the bookstore was totally empty. It's cosy, the shelves are clean and I needed few minutes to pull myself together. I didn’t go here as customer, but to find a job.
"Ano... " It's a woman behind the counter and I could only see her back.
"Yes?" She seems rogue. It's a mature woman and she's not smiling at all. Not like the cafe's boss.
"I saw the announcement in the highschool board..."
"What's your favorite book?" She looked me straight in the eyes and I couldn't lie or take the time to think of something else. An intellectual book? A philosophical essay? What did she want to hear?
"The Lord of the Rings."
"By?"
"J.R. Tolkien."
"You're hired. You’ll start tomorrow at 3PM."
"I'm hired"
"That's what I said, no? I'm warning you, there's a lot of work, I hope you love to classify or you’re gonna suffer."
"I love it, I love it! Thanks Madam."
I smiled at her, I can't believe how lucky I am. I bowed and turned away.
"By the way, what's your name?"
"Matsumoto Jun."
"I'm Shinohara. Don't be late."
I nodded and jumped out of the store, too happy to be chosen. I'm looking forward to telling the big news to my parents and I went back home running.
The next day, I was at the bookstore at the required time and I was given a wonderful purple apron I'm proud to wear. I went to work immediately and realized how much I loved this job. The atmosphere is smooth and quiet, we're working both in harmony, separately most of the time, classifying, ranking, reading sometimes, advising clients as best we could.
Time passed quickly and at the end of the first month, Shinohara-san invited me to coffee for the first time. I discovered that her husband is the boss of the cafe who received me so nicely. I discovered above all, that my wallflower friend Sakurai, worked there as waiter. A little more and we could be colleagues. And I was really surprised that he remembered me.
"Matsumoto-kun? You work at the bookstore?"
He's wearing a white shirt, a black tie and a black apron which covered his legs, like the waiters in Paris, so stylish. I must admit he's handsome like that, I can't imagine how it would look like on me.
"Since when?"
"At least a month."
He sat down on the chair next to me, seeing as his boss was chatting with my boss.
"Is it fun?"
"A lot."
"So?"
"So?"
"What’s your favorite book?"
I couldn't help myself from smiling.
"Lord of the Rings."
"Very clever choice. I'm not surprised she hired you."
"And you’ve worked here since a long time?"
I couldn't help but be polite with him, like how he was with me.
"A year, I think. When I began highschool, actually."
"You're in 2nd year?"
"Yeah, and you? 1st?"
"Yeah."
"I've got to go, but I'll come see you if it’s okay."
I began a "Why?" but he's already far and I can see him laughing with a group of students. He's so comfortable that I could find it annoying if I was a envious guy. But I'm not, so I admired him for a moment before I wished good night to my boss. I wonder what he meant by I'll come see you.
I didn't have a long time to wait, the next day he came to the bookstore with two cups of coffee. "At Shinohara-san’s request." he says.
He finds me reading a photography book, and without asking, he peers on what I was reading.
"You like photography?"
"More or less..."
"Can you show me your work?"
"Not really... It's personal."
"I wonder if you’re willing to help me with the committee. A lot of people have withdrawn this year..."
"Why me?"
Is he nuts or what?
"Cause you seem to be a nice guy."
"We’ve never talked."
"Of course, we’ve talked. You love photography. Your favorite book is 'Lord of the Rings' and you love melodic electro music, it's more than enough. And..."
"And?"
"If you're a member of the committee, you will have a lot of success with girls."
Right in the mark. Kaela-chan? Will she notice me? I felt myself blushing and he laughed.
"I suppose it's a yes?"
"But I did not say..."
"See you at school!"
A few days later, I found a note in my locker, a convocation to a meeting on the same day for the committee. Wonderful, I'll work. Or rather, I could work. Honestly, since he asked me to help, I've been freaking out, it became an obsession. And the only word popping in my mind is Impossible!. I can't even imagine how I could do this kind of thing. It will be like jumping from a cliff...impossible.
I say nothing, I can't imagine someone will notice that I'm not there.
But I was wrong. The next day, I'm in my bedroom in 'switch off mode', hanging photos I took this very day on my wall.
My hair was fixed high on my head and I took off my glasses. I put my thick waistcoat in my closet and wore an old vintage pair of jeans and a sweater.
"Jun-kun, your friend is here."
What did she say? I looked by the door when my mother said "Go up.". Before I realized, Sakurai is front of me.
"May I come in?"
I wanted to say no, but obviously, my mother was looking at me from the bottom of the stairs. I sighed and let him pass.
"Your mother is nice."
He threw himself on my bed naturally. I figured out something. Everything seems natural with him, my exact opposite.
I stood up dumbly, arms crossed, unable to speak. I’ve never seen anyone else in this room, except my parents, it's like a special effect, an edition on a green screen. This very thought made me smile until I noticed his gaze on me.
"Why are you wearing glasses at school?"
"To see, I suppose."
"You don't see anything there?"
"I do, but not too far."
"Why don't you put on contact lenses? You're really cute like this."
"I...I..."
I'm red. I can feel it even if I don't touch my cheeks. It's the very first time someone use the word cute to describe me, and the fact that it came from a boy changed nothing at all. I'm astonished by his sincerity.
"Sorry, I say everything I've got in mind without thinking if it could hurt some people. Did I embarrass you?"
"A little bit."
He stood up and walked towards me but he must’ve seen the panic on my face cause he turned around all of a sudden, facing the wall behind him. The wall with all the photos I took.
"My name is Sakurai Sho. I'm a 2nd year student in your highschool and I've got no tact at all. I'm too quick with people who please me. My mother passed away last year because of cancer and like every ill person's kid, I would like to be..."
"A doctor?"
I didn't think he would be so honest with me, especially with such a personal and painful subject.
He turned around and smiled at me.
"No. Physiotherapist... Doctors have no family life at all and I want to have a wife and kids, I can't imagine a life dedicated to work. Plus, my mother loved my massages, it relieved her pain. Jun?"
I was not prepared to hear my first name in his mouth, as if he had a right to with our current relationship just cause he told me his secrets.
"Who took these photos?"
"I did." I groaned.
I suppose it's a win-win situation. He told me about his mother, I showed him what's in my head. But now he's astonished, he couldn't talk anymore. He jumped on my bed to check each and every picture. I'm pretty sure he could find himself on one or another and I'm suddenly nervous, waiting for his reaction.
"I don't understand." he says, taking Kaela's picture. Why did he pick this one among the others? "It's Kaela Kimura, isn't it?"
"She's our class representative." I needed an excuse to explain why this picture is hanging near my bed.
"It's not really her... No, it's her, but not like how I see her. How did you do that?"
"Do what?"
"When we draw, we have a particular style, some colors, but when we take a picture, it's just reality as it is, no?"
"Yeah."
"So why am I seeing her the way you see her and not as how she is in reality? Why is it that if it was me who took this picture, we would not see what she's feeling?"
"I don't know, I just took it, that's all."
"Stop kidding me, you have a gift, a real one. You're a photographer, however you look at it."
I sat down cause I think I wouldn't be able to stand up for very long after this. He's so full of confidence, so passionate when he talks, enough for me to think there's a mad man front of me.
"Jun?"
"What?"
"You know, if you join the committee, you could be the school's photographer. We've got a great camera, a pro one. It’s all yours if you want it."
My heart pounded in my chest thinking I could own such a camera. Moreover I don't have to talk to anybody for this job.
"I could keep it for my personal use?"
"Of course. You will have my permission, I swear. So?"
I slowly nodded and he took my hand firmly.
That's how I joined the committee and I didn't quit until the end of highschool. I sold my soul for a pro camera probably bought with the residue of too big a budget...
That's how I became Sho's friend too. We began to spend a lot of time together for the committee (and with a president like Sho, each week we've got work to do...). Then, we get together at work. And then, without planning, I met him every day to eat, alone or with the committee members. I discovered that Kaela was Sho's cousin too.
"My mother had a sister and she was married to Kaela's father, it was a second wedding."
"Can you repeat this slowly, please?"
"She's my cousin, that's all you've got to understand. Come to the match this Tuesday?"
"Yeah, I'll go."
He wanted to be a baseball player at that time, and it's about the same time I had the idea to realize the yearbook myself. Not the stiff, dull-looking pictures, with a blue screen behind and tensed smiles. I wanted to see everybody in their daily life, with their hobbies and their smiles, showing their specificities.
Needless to say, Sho was more than enthusiastic, going until he chased them to their part-time jobs.
I discovered that having a real friend was a wonderful thing and I changed time after time without noticing. I figured out how much people could be friendly with me cause I was Sho's friend, and if I thought at the beginning it was only for this reason, I quickly realized it had nothing to do with it.
I began to think I've got a chance with the girl I fell in love at first sight with as well. More and more I noticed how she was smiling at me and how she could be found where Sho and I were.
"You really like her?" he asked me one night when we were camping with the committee, each of us hidden in a sleeping bag.
"Yes." I stopped being shy with him since a long time ago. "She's the type of girl I like. Exactly. You understand?"
"As if she had everything you loved? As if she was perfect for you?"
"Exactly. How about you?"
"Me?"
"Your type?"
"Someone who makes me feel the same way, I guess."
"I wish you meet someone like this. It's wonderful to be in love. I suppose it could be better if she knew I exist, though."
"She knows, I bet. Perhaps she is waiting for you."
"I'll never dare to make the first move."
"You should dare before the holidays. She could be in a different class next year."
"You're right. I'm gonna be brave and talk to her. Plus, you won’t be here next year to help me."
"Jun... "
"Hm?"
Everybody was asleep and the fire was slowly but surely dying. The tone of his voice forced me to come closer to hear him.
"I wanted to tell you..."
"What? Come on, I’ll hear you out!"
"I'm going to med school next year, not in a physiotherapist school."
"Baka! You freaked me out! It's a good news, isn't it?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"But your family life, your wife, your kids?"
I can't help but be a little ironic and I blamed myself immediately when he answered.
"I can't build my life on an hypothetic family."
"True, you're right. I'll find a photography school, perhaps the university. Thanks to what I saved with my job at the bookstore, I've got more than enough."
"Jun, I'll see you after the highschool?"
"Of course we'll still see each other after highschool, we're friends!"
I felt anxious hearing his weird husky voice for the first time. I never thought before that he could need me as much as I needed him.
The next day, nothing could be seen and he told to everybody about the med school. He was afraid to be unable to be admitted at the university, but I never doubted him.
I always thought, and I'm still thinking that whatever Sho Sakurai wants, Sho Sakurai got.
The next few years, we've always stuck together. He entered med school, got top grades and now he's a pediatrician.
On my side, I got into a photography school well-known in Tokyo and my life had been perfect for me. I work according to my desires, taking photos for fashion or news reports alternatively. I've gotten some girlfriends from time to time, but none of them ever lasted because of my overbooked schedule.
Sho is a part-time single too. He went out with some girls from the hospital -to be honest, he feared he had no life outside of work- but he never introduce me to any.
He became the only stable element in my bohemian lifestyle. Like the time in highschool.
Regardless of the changes in our schedule, we made sure we spent time together over drinks once a week. In the street next to the hospital there's a wine bar and each week, we try new grape varieties. We're not wine specialists, or even specialists at all, but we love the smooth and quiet atmosphere. We always have this awkward impression of being highschoolers in adult disguise.
We've never really changed. He suddenly appears without warning at home and looks at every photo I took. Then he lies on my couch and takes a nap while I'm working. I do my best to be the friend he deserves: natural, considerate and always warm.
I quickly wrapped up a photoshoot which seemed to never end because of a narcissistic model who decided to make love with my camera despite the cold look I've been giving.
My new camouflage level 3.
The cold and arrogant guy. Since the beginning of my professionnal life, I acted as the self confident and bitchy man, with a killer look and a sparkling ring of choice. If most people are afraid of me, some are also attracted. But I don't have time to play, Sho is waiting for me at the wine bar and I can't wait to take off this disguise.
I took a taxi, my bag hanging on my shoulder and I smiled when I finally saw him laughing with the owner.
"Good evening."
"Oh, Jun! I've already ordered, I hope you don't mind?"
"Of course not. Where are we going tonight?"
"France."
"Oh... I can smell it." I whispered, sitting in one of the big leather chairs of the bar.
"Smell." He held the glass near the front of my nose and I tried to keep a straight face. I closed my eyes to enjoy the moment before opening them for the verdict.
"It smells like wine."
"Yep, that's what I told the owner but he doesn't seem to find this really funny."
"How was your week?"
"Can't take it anymore... I haven't slept for 72 hours and I don't know how I can still be awake. It must be a miracle."
"You're crazy! You should cancel..."
"Out of the question. I wanted to see you. And you?"
"Fashion photoshoot today. By the way, did you receive the invitation?"
He searches for something in his leather jacket and throws the envelope on the table.
"Kaela Kimura and...whatever... kindly request your presence at their wedding. You are welcome to come and enjoy the special day with them. Who's that guy?"
"A colleague, the director of the school, I think."
I looked at the invitation thoughtfully. Kaela became a teacher and she will be a married woman in a few weeks. If she asked Sho to be there as her cousin, she invited me as a friend and their photographer. I smiled nostalgically.
"Ah...I wish it was my name on this invitation."
Sho burst out laughing.
"If you did what I told you, it would have been the case."
"What did you tell me?"
"To talk to her. Hello, goodbye, it could've worked."
"True... I'll try it next time."
"And your girlfriend?"
"Which one?"
"The model you introduced to me last time."
"Nah, it's over."
"Why?"
"I don't have any idea, it never really began."
"You slept with her!"
"Yeah but it's not enough to make a love story, you see."
"Jun, Jun...You're desperate. I wonder why I'm your friend."
"It's my line! When was your last time?"
"A long time ago."
"Exactly. You know what? We're gonna go to the wedding and we're gonna find us two pretty girls."
He adds nothing but he sips his glass of wine, a little smirk on the lips. I do the same and I let the silence come, trying to imagine how she looks like now.
=+=
She's still beautiful, perhaps even more now that she has matured. By her side, her husband is so ordinary. I wonder what attracted her to him...
We're trying to make a good impression, smiling, congratulating the couple the best we can. All day long I did my job and met all the guests, one after another. There's Sho's father and it's a real pleasure to see him again after so long. He never got married again after his wife's death and Sho is still very present in his life, helping financially too. Hidden behind my camera I watch my friend and I can see one of the maids of honor trying to approach him. Nothing amazing, he's still handsome, more charming today, so manly. It's really a part of the Sho mystery , how a man like him can still be single.
Everybody began to dance and we observed them nostalgically.
"Wallflower friends?" He smiles at me and leans on the wall.
"Yes. Wallflower friends. It reminds a lot of things, hm?"
"You're reminiscing now?"
"Must be. Seeing her so pretty in her wedding dress. Seeing again all the members of the committee. Did you see Taku? He's married and his wife just had a baby."
"Yes, I know, I saw the baby at the hospital."
He looks weird and I don't really like it. It's not nostalgia for him, it's sadness.
"Is something wrong?" I leaned on the wall beside him, my shoulder touching his.
"I don't know. Don't you have this strange feeling? Like being forced to make an assessment?"
"Not really, but if you say so... however, I don't see why you can be depressed with your life."
"I'm 27, Jun."
-I'm 26, and so?"
"I don't have a life."
"You're a 27-year old pediatrician, working in one of the best hospitals in Tokyo. What can be depressing about that?"
"Nothing. You're right."
He patted my shoulder and smiled at me, then sat down next to his father. I wasn't reassured at all, I know him too well, I know something is bother him.
And I was right. He had decided to get dead drunk, which never happens cause he's too afraid to do so when he can get a call from the hospital at any time. But tonight he had nothing else in mind and I was truly worried about him. It wasn't like him at all.
"Sho. Come with me. I'm taking you to bed."
I tried to convince him but he didn't answer. I shook him and he looked at me all of a sudden.
"Sho you're dead drunk, come, I'm gonna help you to bed."
His father helped me carry him to the bedroom door and I thanked him, leading him back to the party.
Sho giggles stupidly and fuck, he's so heavy when he's resting all of his weight on me. I've never been really light but I still weigh less than him.
I threw him on the bed and I removed his shoes and his socks, then draped a blanket over him. It's not very comfortable but whatever, that's the best I can do. I turned off the light and I turned away then I wondered if it was okay for me to leave him like that. What if he wakes up and decides to follow me? He can be so stubborn sometimes. I went back to the room and sat down on an armchair to sleep.
I tried to find a comfortable sitting position but I couldn't, it's merely impossible. And I'm not drunk enough to fall asleep there.
I pushed Sho and I took the place beside him in the bed. It's not the first time we're sleeping together, though.
It was still dark at night when I was awakened by his warmth against me. Too close. His arm was resting on my waist and I could feel his face near mine. His deep and warm breath caressing my skin. I couldn't move, too afraid to wake him and I smiled, thinking he must be dreaming that he's with the maid of honor. Too bad. It's just your old buddy with you right now.
I closed my eyes tight and I let his hand rest where it is, it doesn't bother me, it's not unpleasant to feel a little human warmth... even if I would prefer the other maid of honor too, the same as him I suppose.
I fell asleep again before being awakened by a kiss. Am I dreaming...?
No I'm not. Someone is kissing me. I tried to focus and remind myself where I am and I figured out it could only be Sho. It's weird. I've never asked myself how it would feel like to be kissed by Sho, but I'm sure I couldn't imagine that. This sweetness, this tenderness and this sadness. I couldn't see him, but I could feel his tears falling. I could hear him sobbing clearly as he placed butterfly kisses on my face. I couldn't open my eyes. I'm afraid to wake him up and see his reaction when he realizes he was being intimate towards me. I'm afraid to figure out that the Sho I know is just a sad and lonely man. I'm afraid to figure out how much I'm a useless friend for him.
I feel his hand tracing my arm and his thumb stroking my lips to gently encourage me to open up. I wonder if I could still play the sleeping guy, but I'm sure now that he's not. Without thinking more, I parted my lips, my heart started pounding in my chest and I let his tongue play with mine. I heard him groan in pleasure and this intimate sound made my eyes open wide. I gazed at him and I saw a desperate man. I could see desire, sadness and shame. A deep shame which killed me. I opened my mouth to make a joke, tried to say he's too drunk to notice I'm not a woman, but he's already at the door and went out without saying anything.
I lied on the bed and looked at the ceiling for a moment. Then grabbed my mobile and called him.
But he wouldn't answer.
And it was just the beginning.
This silence is killing me. I know the loneliness too much to ignore what I'll lose if I lose him. Above all, I don't understand his reaction. Yes, he kissed me, yes I let him kiss me but he was drunk and sad, it could've been far worse. I don't understand and it kills me as surely as if I was still wearing my fringe and big glasses.
I'm lonely and weak again, helpless without him by my side, as if I can only exist within his eyes, like the world exists only behind my camera. Every day I call him, pleading but he never answers.
"Sho it's me. Please answer. You were drunk, it's not a big deal. You remember that time when I kissed a wall when I was dead drunk? Sho... please. I'm miserable without you."
I don't know what to say, how to explain, about how much I miss him and above all that I don't give a damn about the kiss.
"Sho, I miss you..."
"I'm here."
I didn't know what to say, too happy to hear him.
"Can I see you?"
"Tonight at the wine bar."
I heard him chuckle and I felt relieved at last. I'm first at the bar that evening and I chatted with the owner, waiting for Sho. When I saw him walking through the door, I was finally able to breathe fully.
I looked at him briefly and he looked terrible. I had a feeling that he hasn't slept nor eaten this past 15 days.
"I know what you're gonna say, but I just got out of a 24-hour shift."
"I wasn't gonna say anything."
"Your thoughts were loud. So, how was your week?"
"I've got a photoshoot in New York for the opening of a museum."
"I see. That's great, when will you leave?"
"Next week, for a few days only, I'll be back for our date."
"I hope so."
He looks at me the same way he used to. A little bit ironic, some tenderness and tons of kindness. We don't talk about the wedding night. It's probably easier for both of us. Somehow, there's nothing to say, it could only be embarassing and idiotic. I know he feels ashamed of himself, that he feels bad about what he did to me. I wanted to tell him that I wasn't angry but his face kept my mouth sealed. I didn't want to see that desperation in his eyes again.
I went to New York the next week, and I called him every day, I needed to be reassured, to know that he's there for me, like I've been there for him.
I managed to end my photoshoot one day earlier and I could go back to Tokyo a day before what I planned. I went to my apartment to take a shower and changed my clothes before going to the hospital. I asked for him and a nurse informed me his shift was over and he's gonna come down in a moment.
I waited for him in the hall and when I saw him coming, I dialled his number.
"Moshi moshi?" I smiled seeing him shining after looking at his phone. "When will you come back?"
"I'm back. Can I see you?"
I started walking towards him, but I froze when I saw his embarassed face.
"I'm not in Tokyo, sorry."
I can't believe he's lying to me... I thought for a second to show him that I'm here, but I was too shocked.
"But tomorrow, I promise."
"You... you'll be back?"
"Yeah, sure. It's nothing, just a business travel."
"Ok."
"Call you tomorrow."
"Hm."
"Jun?"
"..."
"I'm looking forward to see you."
I didn't answer, I hung up my phone and I'm a little satisfied to see the guilt on his face. He walked through the hall and took a taxi. I didn't think too much and I took my car to follow him across the animated Tokyo. I don't know what I hope to discover by following him. I feel ashamed, cause I know that if he lied to me, it's obviously for a good reason, to preserve a secret perhaps. Where is he going? See a secret girlfriend, perhaps a consultation outside of the hospital, perhaps his father, I don't have any clue and along the road I could imagine a lot of things.
Does he have a child? And if he does, was he a drug addict or a game addict? No, impossible, I know him too well. I should stop these kinds of thoughts.
I parked my car when I saw the taxi stop in a street in Shibuya. I saw him walking to an alley without looking around him.
I kept my eyes on him and I followed when I saw him enter a bar.
I knew exactly what this place is without going further. I didn't hide myself but I did nothing to be noticed. He was sitting by the bar and I sat at a table far from the counter. I asked for a beer and the waiter smiled at me flirtatiously.
Sho...
He was sitting on a high chair and I could see him drinking his whisky steadily. And quickly a man sat next to him. They're similar, that was my first thought. His back is large and muscular, like Sho and his wide smile showed a row of perfectly white teeth. A tanned complexion and beautiful black hair, I can only notice how beautiful he is. He leans to Sho and I saw clearly the way he placed his hand on Sho's lap.
Then the other man stood up and Sho did the same, following him to the back of the club.
I felt my stomach burning and my head exploding thinking of what's probably happening between Sho and this stranger. I went out of the club furiously and jumped inside my car. I needed a few minutes to breathe normally and final started the car.
I got home after driving like a mad man in the streets of Tokyo and I could see nothing else than this crazy anger. I went around in circles inside my apartment, trying to understand what is worse. To be a blind fool, who never understood his best friend or to be such an awful friend for him to never dare to confess to me he liked men? Or the fact that I've always felt it but never said anything, afraid to lose him. Whatever, nothing can justify what I've done. Angry too, seeing him going to such a club to find a partner which doesn't even know how much he deserves to be loved.
I remember our kiss, the sweetness between us, the sadness in him, the fact that I didn't open my eyes to interrupt the kiss.
I couldn't sleep later on that night, I kept thinking of how to find the best solution. He told me nothing. If I say abruptly that I know everything, I know he's gonna leave me once again, like after that night at the hotel. And I didn't want to play that game. I'm too afraid of how he'd react to risk anything.
When dawn came, I have made a decision. I'm gonna shut my mouth and try to persuade him to tell me the truth by himself.
I purposely arrived late next evening at the wine bar to not cause suspicion. I'm afraid of how I'd react when he lies to me openly. My girlfriend...when I'll be married... bullshit.
It's a weird night. Nothing changed but nothing is the same. I can't see him the same way, I felt that I was seeing him the way he really is, with his failure and his sadness. As if I was finally seeing him in reality, not behind my camera. If I consider it carefully, I can imagine the moment he realized his homosexuality. Probably the day he decided to go to med school, forgetting his dream of a family life. He always smiles, he always talk about his life, but I'm aware now that he naturally he hides from me a part of himself. I feel miserable and pathetic cause I don't know how to help him to be the man he really is. This man is like no one else, he was the man who helped me become the man I dreamed to be.
I saw him removing his vest and I noticed a red mark in his neck. I blushed, suddenly thinking it's the man from the club who did this to him, who put his lips in Sho's neck. I see him differently now. I imagine his hands on a man's body and I blame myself a little more. Did I imagine him with a woman when I though he was straight? Of course not. So why should it change our relationship?
I try to figure out if he thought of me that way when his hand accidentally touched mine.
No, I'm sure. The man yesterday was strong and muscular, my exact opposite.
But now, I can't help but think of his lovers. We kissed, it's true. And it had been amazing.
"Jun?"
"Hm?"
"You're daydreaming."
"Sorry, I was... thinking."
"Tell me about New York, I want to know everything."
I can think of something else. Thank God.
Life goes on and I'll try my best to shut away all these confusing emotions which prevent me to see him like I always did.
I wonder if he goes often to this gay club, if he has a man in his life, a man he couldn't introduce to me so he wouldn't have to confess about his homosexuality.
I began to think about everything he hides from me... all the pain, the fear to be alone if he confesses his preference. It's just unbearable for me. If only...
But months passed by and not once did he let his guard down. We are hidden behind our habits and after a long time I suddenly realize that he moves me more than a friend should do.
I've always admired him as far as I can remember, he has always been my ideal, the unchanging rock. But now that I know that everything can change abruptly, my perspective of him is different. I look at him with apprehension and worry, my heart beating faster every time I see him and it's an evening at the bar wine when I finally realized.
"I'm gonna change departments."
He throws this announcement like it was nothing.
"You've been promoted?"
"More or less."
"In what department?"
"Pediatric oncology."
"Oncology? Cancer?"
"Yeah, and I'll do research too. That's why I've accepted it."
"So I must congratulate you. Omedetou."
I raised my glass and sipped my wine.
"When?"
"Next month. But..."
He seemed embarassed and I felt like I was seeing the teenager hidden in his sleeping bag from years before. I smiled.
"But..?"
"It's in Kyoto."
I didn't expect this and I kept silent for a while.
"You're gonna move?"
"Yes, I can't go back and forth Kyoto everyday."
I felt my world crumble.
"You can find the same thing in Tokyo, no?"
"Perhaps, I didn't look for it. But Kyoto is a pretty town, isn't it?"
"I don't get it. You asked to go to Kyoto?"
"Yes. I wanted to take a break."
He smiled gently but I knew how much sadness is hidden behind this smirk. I couldn't think straight. I just wanted to kick the nearest wall to calm my nerves. It's too late. I'm in love with him. It's like an awful prank. Just when I realized I'm in love, he decides to leave.
"Don't worry, Kyoto is not on the other side of the world. We'll see each other."
"When?"
"When? I don't know, we'll think of ways..."
Fuck. Stop acting, stop lying to yourself, stop lying to me. Leaving is just an easy way to never tell me who you really are. You'll find a guy, he will love you and make you happy, you'll never introduce him to me...impossible...you can be my best friend, but I can't wish you goodbye. I'm only a selfish man who wants to keep you for myself.
But I can't say it. My lips are sealed and I hate myself.
I cut our meeting short, pretending to have another appointment and went home. The countdown has begun.
It's awfully hard to smile when I'm with him. But I know it's the best thing to do. In Kyoto, he will be the man he wishes to be and finally find happiness. I guess...
It's my gift as a friend, giving him back what he gave me for so many years.
He seems really excited to move and I don't want to make him sad. I try to figure out what my life will be when he's not here anymore. Perhaps I will go to that club myself, find out if I'm not really gay. Perhaps it's just this. Perhaps it is the reason why none of my relationships worked well.
Not because of him, but thanks to him... or cause I'm gay too. I can't help but ask myself this question, even if I can't imagine to be in a man's bed. Perhaps only in his bed, in his arms.
I agreed to help him pack his stuff but it's heartbreaking. Staying with him this very last night, not letting him be alone in his empty apartment. He promised me an all-night drinking session and I couldn't refuse. But I'm broken.
We talked about highschool, we looked at the pictures, the old clothes he kept, the books he bought at the bookstore. We laughed a lot, trying to forget that tonight is our last night together. We're lying again and again to keep what's between us. I don't know if it's the best thing to do, I don't know anything.
We kept drinking beer and when the last pack was done, I brought out the two bottles of wine I bought from the wine bar. He seemed sad suddenly seeing this bottles. We drank silently and I wondered what I could say to ease his pain.
"I'll be fine, you know." That's all I could tell him.
"I know Jun."
I drank a little more to swallow the sadness in my throat. Then I didn't understand anymore.
I felt his hand on my cheek wiping away a tear. I closed my eyes to stop the annoying tears and I pulled away his hand with my left one. I'm not crying, nothing is hurting me, you can leave and I'll be fine. I'll be fine.
When I opened my eyes, he wasn't smiling anymore, he seemed confused, just like me. I leaned into him, stopped myself close to his face and when he placed his hand on my cheek, I kissed him. This time, I kissed him and even if he doesn't respond immediately he let me. I took advantage and laid him on the floor.
It felt so good to kiss him, feeling him responding, it's like making love for the first time. It's like nothing else, nothing I could imagine. We laughed a lot, cried sometimes, discovering ourselves for the very first time. He's sweet, tender, a bit rough when necessary, thinking about my pleasure before his. Probably considering the fact that I was making love to a man for the first time. But I didn't think about it, not even for a second. I'm making love to Sho, that's all I can get this night.
I left quickly at dawn when he was still sleeping, I didn't want to have to say goodbye. I didn't know how to do that and it's worse now that I fully understand what I'm really losing.
I laid in my bed all dressed. I don't want to see anyone today, perhaps when he's no longer in Tokyo anymore...
I hadn't been in my bed for about 10 minutes when I heard someone banging at my door. I opened the door hoping it's him and that he decided to stay. But it's impossible for him to knock, he has a spare key.
"Why did you leave?"
I was wrong.
"You don't have your keys?"
"I left in a rush, I forgot it."
I wanted to laugh, seeing him so him despite what had happened between us. I let him pass and closed the door behind.
"How could you leave after what happened?"
I took my time to answer.
"You ask the question? I went nowhere."
"It's unfair."
"I'm angry."
"So why didn't you tell me before? Why didn't you ask me to stay?"
"Cause you wanted to go."
"If I knew how you felt, I wouldn't even want to leave."
"So, stay."
I smirked, seductively.
"I can't, I've been promoted."
"I love you Sho."
"You're unfair for saying that to me now."
But he's already in my arms and I don't know how to let go of him anymore. However, I did my best.
"You should go."
"I don't want to go anymore."
"I'll see you."
"But it won't be enough."
"We have plenty of time. I'll come visit during weekends. And you'll have some free days too."
"Jun...why did you wait all this time?"
I didn't want to answer. I just wanted to enjoy the time it left until his departure. Then, I went with him to the station and kissed him passionately without minding all the shocked people around us.
It took me 3 months before I could no longer take it and prepared my luggage for Kyoto. I went to his apartment before going to the hospital.
I met the maintenance man who receive me warmly.
"You're looking for someone?"
"Sakurai-san."
"You're family?"
"No, he's my companion."
I smiled when I heard his voice from behind me and felt his hand on my waist.
"Oh, I see. Have a nice weekend."
"To tell you the truth...I'm gonna stay."
His smile froze and I felt Sho's hand stiffen on my waist. When the man was gone, he grabbed my hand and took me to his apartment.
I sat down on the couch and saw him working in the kitchen.
"Did I misunderstand?"
He put a cup of tea on the table and he sat down next to me.
"It depends. What did you understand?"
"That you want to stay in Kyoto?"
"Yeah. I can live in Tokyo or somewhere else, I can take the shinkansen for work and..."
Before I could finish my sentence, I was lying on the floor with him on top of me, weighing heavily on my body, kissing my face wildly. I laughed in spite of myself.
"What?"
"You've always been heavier than me."
"You want to be on top?"
"No, no. It's just perfect like this. You're just perfect for me."
I stroked his nape, starving for the kisses and the caresses I missed so much.
Pairing: Matsumoto Jun/Sho Sakurai
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my stories
Note: Millions of hug to shilriarizz who takes the time to find me in my cave and accept to be my beta <<33
I hate this. I wonder why I'm here, why I came. I'm truly a masochist, if I hadn't known until then, this is a real evidence.
I see them all in their party attire, moving on the dance floor, flirting, kissing when they think no one can see them. I suppose it's advantageous to be a wallflower. No one notices me, I'm the invisible man. People could almost sit on my knees thinking there's only a chair there.
I'm used to it, it's almost normal.
I forced myself to attend this Yull Ball, organized by the highschool's events committee, to not have to explain to my parents that I don't have any friends, much less a girlfriend.
I think they’ve never seen me as I really am. To be honest, I'm ugly. I'm too skinny and I've got thick eyebrows which settle on my face and make others think I'm always angry. My mouth is huge and I've got moles everywhere, even on my lips. I try to hide as much as I can, behind big glasses and long hair. And I always wear loose clothes which give the impression I'm bigger than I really am. But it's not enough. Because I'm always transparent. Not that it makes me sad, it could be worse if I get harrassed by others.
The music is always very loud and very basic in this kind of party and after one hour, I can't take it anymore. I discretely put on my earphones.
They are still moving but they are not dancing in rhythm anymore. It's like a movie in slow motion; everything is out of sync.
I see our class representative chatting with her friends, cheeks all red, and being driven out from the group abruptly. She walks through the dance floor and sheepishly waits behind two boys. They don't pay attention to her at first but when they do, they look each other as if they've won the lottery. I'm pretty sure that on Monday, one of them will go out with her... and if I'm right, he will be her third since September.
Nothing surprising there, though. She's pretty and nice, very considerate with everybody. I wonder if she knows I exist. Probably not. I did nothing to be catch her attention.
I turn my gaze over and I see a third year guy taking out a flask from his inner pocket and poured a big amount of alcohol in the fruit juice bowl. Mental note to myself, don’t drink except in the toilet.
They seem to really enjoy this party. I tried to remember anything I could tell my parents when I get home. Perhaps could I say I was in this group, there, playing janken...or this one behind the turntables. I'm hesitating...
What will seem more realistic?
I suddenly felt eyes trained on me.
It came from the other side of the room and it's a boy leaning against the wall alone. He smiles at me, arms crossed and I don't know why, but I hate this. Actually, it's so good to be invisible. I don't want him to think I feel superior to the others and that I don't blend in with them by choice. Whatever...I don't like that. Don't look at me. I'm the invisible man. I'm a wallflower and I'm pretty sure that if you squint your eyes, you'll see only the red line of the wall behind me.
He's a good looking guy. Why is he alone? His girlfriend must be at the toilet or with her friends.
I look around him. Who could she be? The big girl with long legs? Or the round and pretty one with her pink cheeks? I guess I'll see her when she comes back. I acted as if I didn't see him but he's my new focus.
A song ended, and another one, and another one again but he's still alone, no one by his side. He's a wallflower? Impossible...
But I must admit the truth. He's standing but he's by himself too. There are two of us. It's strange, it never happened before. If I dare I'll walk through this dance floor and I'll ask him. I'm sure that we have a lot to say among us wallflowers.
He's coming!
I look to the right then to the left, looking for someone else he might have been heading to, but there's no one except me. Shit. Luckily, I've got my earphones. If he talks to me, I'll act as if I can't hear him.
I could feel him sitting on the chair beside me.
I try to breathe calmly as if I was alone. So. I'm gonna wait a few seconds and attempt to escape, pretending I've got something to do. It must be late, and I could probably head back home now.
1, 2, 3, I tried to get up but suddenly I can hear the music again. When I looked at him, he's got one of my earphones in hand.
"What are you listening to?" he asks me, smiling.
"I...I.."
"May I?" He was already putting on the earphone and I couldn't do anything but to sit down if I don't want to lose the other earpiece. I'm blushing like a fool It's so embarrassing.
"What is it?"
"Da..Daft Punk.
"You like electro music?"
"Not all of them."
"It's pretty good. It's melodic for electro."
He's weird. Why is he talking to me? Why can he see me?
"What's your name?"
"Matsumoto."
"Matsumoto who?"
"Matsumoto Jun."
"I'm Sakurai. Sakurai Sho. Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too."
"You're by yourself?"
"Hm...Yes."
"Me too. Tonight, I'm a wallflower."
I smirked. It's awkward to hear him use the same word I always use.
"So, we're wallflower friends." I whisper to myself, not willing to be heard.
"If you want, yes, wallflower friends."
He stretches out his hand but I only nod. Nobody has ever touched me except my parents. I don't want him to feel my hands shaking. He pulls his hand back but he did not seem offended, he's still smiling.
"I'm the president of the highschool's events committee that's why I'm not with the others."
Finally, I understand why he's here, near me.
"And you?"
"I'm not a member of the highschool's events committee" I answered stupidly. Of course, I'm not, he knows it, what fool I am...but he laughed.
"I know. I'm just wondering why you're alone."
"I'm not very interesting. And I like watching people so it doesn't bother me, really. I'm not very at ease with the others."
"Why?"
Is he really interested or is he just pretending to be a nice guy?
"I'm not used to it, I suppose."
He laughed again. I like his laugh, it's really expressive.
"You've transferred here this year ? I’ve never seen you before."
"Yes, my father was transferred here this year so we all moved."
"He works at the factory?"
Everybody in this small town works at the factory.
"Like everybody."
"True. Like everybody. It's a small town..."
It's worse that no one noticed me then? I find myself pretty skillful to manage to do it and by the way he's looking at me, he must think the same. Or is it pity?
Quickly, it’s becoming unbearable. He looks at me so sincerely... Could he be thinking this wallflower friends stuff was a real proposition? Does he really think a guy like me could pretend to be the committee president's friend?
"Are you happy here?"
"Whatever."
"You'll see, there's nothing to do here....or perhaps you’ve noticed it already.. but the people here are nice and warm.
"I think I'm gonna head back home."
"It's still early."
I wonder if he's really friendly and nice, or if he just didn't want to be alone by himself. I don't really understand. He's a good looking guy -and by the looks of it- he seems to be smart, he's president of something in the highschool and so I suppose he's popular... I don't have any clue.
Plus, I don't want to care about someone else. I stood up after taking my earphone back, pulling on the cable and bowed before going back home.
My parents were struggling for power, one Wii mote in each hand, trying to rip the throats out of the other players. I bet it's to decide which of them will do the chores this week. My mother paused when she saw me and asked me to tell her every detail of the party.
"Did you met a girl?"
"There's a lot of girls in highschool, mom, obviously I met some tonight."
"And your friends?"
"They're fine."
"So bring back some of them home, I'll be delighted to meet them."
"Sure. I’m going to bed, I'm exhausted."
"And Jun! Pull your fringe up, I can't see your face."
"Mom... I’m going to bed..."
"Your fringe! Don't make me repeat it. It's a waste to hide such a beautiful face."
I took the headband which was always in my pocket and I set it on my hair, revealing my eyes.
And so I see the light.
They seem happy , it makes me happy too somehow. I got up into my bedroom and I can finally take my camera from my vest. They are all there on the film. My wallflower friend too.
=+=+
Monday at school, nothing has really changed. The same routine and the same chair in the middle of the class. It's surely the best place to not be noticed. In the back of the class, the yankees and in the front the good students. I didn't belong to any of these groups, so the middle seemed to be the best choice. And 2 rows before me, sat our pretty class representative, Kaela Kimura. I’ve never met anyone like her in any of the schools I've attended till now.
She's small, pretty in an unusual way, she smiles all the time and is a bit clumsy but it makes her more adorable. She turned around and smiled at me. I blushed an awful lot but I heard the voice of the girl behind me. Crap. She was talking to her, not to me. Crap. What would I do if it was me? She's beautifully dressed today... If I was surprised at first to learn that this highschool had no uniform, I finally found some advantage to it. I'm now a graduate of camouflage level 2.
However, I love fashion. Tremendously. It's just that I don't have the body or the mentality to assume an eccentricity.
We came to this town a few months ago, my father had no choice to keep his job, and if we are not truly poor, we're not at ease too. That's why I decided to find a part-time job to help them. Even if it's just for my studies or my photos, it will ease my mind.
Between two classes, I went to the board to check the job advertisements and I kept two. A bookstore and a cafe. To be frank, I'm more interested in the bookstore. It's just the perfect place for a guy like me. I went to the cafe first for the good of my nerves and the boss received me warmly but when I looked around me, I don't feel good. It's a big place, shiny, and full of the students I meet everyday at school and for someone like me, it's a pain in the ass. I couldn't refuse the offer before knowing if the job at the bookstore is still vacant and so I thanked him and crossed the street. Coincidentally, the cafe and the bookstore is facing each other but the bookstore was totally empty. It's cosy, the shelves are clean and I needed few minutes to pull myself together. I didn’t go here as customer, but to find a job.
"Ano... " It's a woman behind the counter and I could only see her back.
"Yes?" She seems rogue. It's a mature woman and she's not smiling at all. Not like the cafe's boss.
"I saw the announcement in the highschool board..."
"What's your favorite book?" She looked me straight in the eyes and I couldn't lie or take the time to think of something else. An intellectual book? A philosophical essay? What did she want to hear?
"The Lord of the Rings."
"By?"
"J.R. Tolkien."
"You're hired. You’ll start tomorrow at 3PM."
"I'm hired"
"That's what I said, no? I'm warning you, there's a lot of work, I hope you love to classify or you’re gonna suffer."
"I love it, I love it! Thanks Madam."
I smiled at her, I can't believe how lucky I am. I bowed and turned away.
"By the way, what's your name?"
"Matsumoto Jun."
"I'm Shinohara. Don't be late."
I nodded and jumped out of the store, too happy to be chosen. I'm looking forward to telling the big news to my parents and I went back home running.
The next day, I was at the bookstore at the required time and I was given a wonderful purple apron I'm proud to wear. I went to work immediately and realized how much I loved this job. The atmosphere is smooth and quiet, we're working both in harmony, separately most of the time, classifying, ranking, reading sometimes, advising clients as best we could.
Time passed quickly and at the end of the first month, Shinohara-san invited me to coffee for the first time. I discovered that her husband is the boss of the cafe who received me so nicely. I discovered above all, that my wallflower friend Sakurai, worked there as waiter. A little more and we could be colleagues. And I was really surprised that he remembered me.
"Matsumoto-kun? You work at the bookstore?"
He's wearing a white shirt, a black tie and a black apron which covered his legs, like the waiters in Paris, so stylish. I must admit he's handsome like that, I can't imagine how it would look like on me.
"Since when?"
"At least a month."
He sat down on the chair next to me, seeing as his boss was chatting with my boss.
"Is it fun?"
"A lot."
"So?"
"So?"
"What’s your favorite book?"
I couldn't help myself from smiling.
"Lord of the Rings."
"Very clever choice. I'm not surprised she hired you."
"And you’ve worked here since a long time?"
I couldn't help but be polite with him, like how he was with me.
"A year, I think. When I began highschool, actually."
"You're in 2nd year?"
"Yeah, and you? 1st?"
"Yeah."
"I've got to go, but I'll come see you if it’s okay."
I began a "Why?" but he's already far and I can see him laughing with a group of students. He's so comfortable that I could find it annoying if I was a envious guy. But I'm not, so I admired him for a moment before I wished good night to my boss. I wonder what he meant by I'll come see you.
I didn't have a long time to wait, the next day he came to the bookstore with two cups of coffee. "At Shinohara-san’s request." he says.
He finds me reading a photography book, and without asking, he peers on what I was reading.
"You like photography?"
"More or less..."
"Can you show me your work?"
"Not really... It's personal."
"I wonder if you’re willing to help me with the committee. A lot of people have withdrawn this year..."
"Why me?"
Is he nuts or what?
"Cause you seem to be a nice guy."
"We’ve never talked."
"Of course, we’ve talked. You love photography. Your favorite book is 'Lord of the Rings' and you love melodic electro music, it's more than enough. And..."
"And?"
"If you're a member of the committee, you will have a lot of success with girls."
Right in the mark. Kaela-chan? Will she notice me? I felt myself blushing and he laughed.
"I suppose it's a yes?"
"But I did not say..."
"See you at school!"
A few days later, I found a note in my locker, a convocation to a meeting on the same day for the committee. Wonderful, I'll work. Or rather, I could work. Honestly, since he asked me to help, I've been freaking out, it became an obsession. And the only word popping in my mind is Impossible!. I can't even imagine how I could do this kind of thing. It will be like jumping from a cliff...impossible.
I say nothing, I can't imagine someone will notice that I'm not there.
But I was wrong. The next day, I'm in my bedroom in 'switch off mode', hanging photos I took this very day on my wall.
My hair was fixed high on my head and I took off my glasses. I put my thick waistcoat in my closet and wore an old vintage pair of jeans and a sweater.
"Jun-kun, your friend is here."
What did she say? I looked by the door when my mother said "Go up.". Before I realized, Sakurai is front of me.
"May I come in?"
I wanted to say no, but obviously, my mother was looking at me from the bottom of the stairs. I sighed and let him pass.
"Your mother is nice."
He threw himself on my bed naturally. I figured out something. Everything seems natural with him, my exact opposite.
I stood up dumbly, arms crossed, unable to speak. I’ve never seen anyone else in this room, except my parents, it's like a special effect, an edition on a green screen. This very thought made me smile until I noticed his gaze on me.
"Why are you wearing glasses at school?"
"To see, I suppose."
"You don't see anything there?"
"I do, but not too far."
"Why don't you put on contact lenses? You're really cute like this."
"I...I..."
I'm red. I can feel it even if I don't touch my cheeks. It's the very first time someone use the word cute to describe me, and the fact that it came from a boy changed nothing at all. I'm astonished by his sincerity.
"Sorry, I say everything I've got in mind without thinking if it could hurt some people. Did I embarrass you?"
"A little bit."
He stood up and walked towards me but he must’ve seen the panic on my face cause he turned around all of a sudden, facing the wall behind him. The wall with all the photos I took.
"My name is Sakurai Sho. I'm a 2nd year student in your highschool and I've got no tact at all. I'm too quick with people who please me. My mother passed away last year because of cancer and like every ill person's kid, I would like to be..."
"A doctor?"
I didn't think he would be so honest with me, especially with such a personal and painful subject.
He turned around and smiled at me.
"No. Physiotherapist... Doctors have no family life at all and I want to have a wife and kids, I can't imagine a life dedicated to work. Plus, my mother loved my massages, it relieved her pain. Jun?"
I was not prepared to hear my first name in his mouth, as if he had a right to with our current relationship just cause he told me his secrets.
"Who took these photos?"
"I did." I groaned.
I suppose it's a win-win situation. He told me about his mother, I showed him what's in my head. But now he's astonished, he couldn't talk anymore. He jumped on my bed to check each and every picture. I'm pretty sure he could find himself on one or another and I'm suddenly nervous, waiting for his reaction.
"I don't understand." he says, taking Kaela's picture. Why did he pick this one among the others? "It's Kaela Kimura, isn't it?"
"She's our class representative." I needed an excuse to explain why this picture is hanging near my bed.
"It's not really her... No, it's her, but not like how I see her. How did you do that?"
"Do what?"
"When we draw, we have a particular style, some colors, but when we take a picture, it's just reality as it is, no?"
"Yeah."
"So why am I seeing her the way you see her and not as how she is in reality? Why is it that if it was me who took this picture, we would not see what she's feeling?"
"I don't know, I just took it, that's all."
"Stop kidding me, you have a gift, a real one. You're a photographer, however you look at it."
I sat down cause I think I wouldn't be able to stand up for very long after this. He's so full of confidence, so passionate when he talks, enough for me to think there's a mad man front of me.
"Jun?"
"What?"
"You know, if you join the committee, you could be the school's photographer. We've got a great camera, a pro one. It’s all yours if you want it."
My heart pounded in my chest thinking I could own such a camera. Moreover I don't have to talk to anybody for this job.
"I could keep it for my personal use?"
"Of course. You will have my permission, I swear. So?"
I slowly nodded and he took my hand firmly.
That's how I joined the committee and I didn't quit until the end of highschool. I sold my soul for a pro camera probably bought with the residue of too big a budget...
That's how I became Sho's friend too. We began to spend a lot of time together for the committee (and with a president like Sho, each week we've got work to do...). Then, we get together at work. And then, without planning, I met him every day to eat, alone or with the committee members. I discovered that Kaela was Sho's cousin too.
"My mother had a sister and she was married to Kaela's father, it was a second wedding."
"Can you repeat this slowly, please?"
"She's my cousin, that's all you've got to understand. Come to the match this Tuesday?"
"Yeah, I'll go."
He wanted to be a baseball player at that time, and it's about the same time I had the idea to realize the yearbook myself. Not the stiff, dull-looking pictures, with a blue screen behind and tensed smiles. I wanted to see everybody in their daily life, with their hobbies and their smiles, showing their specificities.
Needless to say, Sho was more than enthusiastic, going until he chased them to their part-time jobs.
I discovered that having a real friend was a wonderful thing and I changed time after time without noticing. I figured out how much people could be friendly with me cause I was Sho's friend, and if I thought at the beginning it was only for this reason, I quickly realized it had nothing to do with it.
I began to think I've got a chance with the girl I fell in love at first sight with as well. More and more I noticed how she was smiling at me and how she could be found where Sho and I were.
"You really like her?" he asked me one night when we were camping with the committee, each of us hidden in a sleeping bag.
"Yes." I stopped being shy with him since a long time ago. "She's the type of girl I like. Exactly. You understand?"
"As if she had everything you loved? As if she was perfect for you?"
"Exactly. How about you?"
"Me?"
"Your type?"
"Someone who makes me feel the same way, I guess."
"I wish you meet someone like this. It's wonderful to be in love. I suppose it could be better if she knew I exist, though."
"She knows, I bet. Perhaps she is waiting for you."
"I'll never dare to make the first move."
"You should dare before the holidays. She could be in a different class next year."
"You're right. I'm gonna be brave and talk to her. Plus, you won’t be here next year to help me."
"Jun... "
"Hm?"
Everybody was asleep and the fire was slowly but surely dying. The tone of his voice forced me to come closer to hear him.
"I wanted to tell you..."
"What? Come on, I’ll hear you out!"
"I'm going to med school next year, not in a physiotherapist school."
"Baka! You freaked me out! It's a good news, isn't it?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"But your family life, your wife, your kids?"
I can't help but be a little ironic and I blamed myself immediately when he answered.
"I can't build my life on an hypothetic family."
"True, you're right. I'll find a photography school, perhaps the university. Thanks to what I saved with my job at the bookstore, I've got more than enough."
"Jun, I'll see you after the highschool?"
"Of course we'll still see each other after highschool, we're friends!"
I felt anxious hearing his weird husky voice for the first time. I never thought before that he could need me as much as I needed him.
The next day, nothing could be seen and he told to everybody about the med school. He was afraid to be unable to be admitted at the university, but I never doubted him.
I always thought, and I'm still thinking that whatever Sho Sakurai wants, Sho Sakurai got.
The next few years, we've always stuck together. He entered med school, got top grades and now he's a pediatrician.
On my side, I got into a photography school well-known in Tokyo and my life had been perfect for me. I work according to my desires, taking photos for fashion or news reports alternatively. I've gotten some girlfriends from time to time, but none of them ever lasted because of my overbooked schedule.
Sho is a part-time single too. He went out with some girls from the hospital -to be honest, he feared he had no life outside of work- but he never introduce me to any.
He became the only stable element in my bohemian lifestyle. Like the time in highschool.
Regardless of the changes in our schedule, we made sure we spent time together over drinks once a week. In the street next to the hospital there's a wine bar and each week, we try new grape varieties. We're not wine specialists, or even specialists at all, but we love the smooth and quiet atmosphere. We always have this awkward impression of being highschoolers in adult disguise.
We've never really changed. He suddenly appears without warning at home and looks at every photo I took. Then he lies on my couch and takes a nap while I'm working. I do my best to be the friend he deserves: natural, considerate and always warm.
I quickly wrapped up a photoshoot which seemed to never end because of a narcissistic model who decided to make love with my camera despite the cold look I've been giving.
My new camouflage level 3.
The cold and arrogant guy. Since the beginning of my professionnal life, I acted as the self confident and bitchy man, with a killer look and a sparkling ring of choice. If most people are afraid of me, some are also attracted. But I don't have time to play, Sho is waiting for me at the wine bar and I can't wait to take off this disguise.
I took a taxi, my bag hanging on my shoulder and I smiled when I finally saw him laughing with the owner.
"Good evening."
"Oh, Jun! I've already ordered, I hope you don't mind?"
"Of course not. Where are we going tonight?"
"France."
"Oh... I can smell it." I whispered, sitting in one of the big leather chairs of the bar.
"Smell." He held the glass near the front of my nose and I tried to keep a straight face. I closed my eyes to enjoy the moment before opening them for the verdict.
"It smells like wine."
"Yep, that's what I told the owner but he doesn't seem to find this really funny."
"How was your week?"
"Can't take it anymore... I haven't slept for 72 hours and I don't know how I can still be awake. It must be a miracle."
"You're crazy! You should cancel..."
"Out of the question. I wanted to see you. And you?"
"Fashion photoshoot today. By the way, did you receive the invitation?"
He searches for something in his leather jacket and throws the envelope on the table.
"Kaela Kimura and...whatever... kindly request your presence at their wedding. You are welcome to come and enjoy the special day with them. Who's that guy?"
"A colleague, the director of the school, I think."
I looked at the invitation thoughtfully. Kaela became a teacher and she will be a married woman in a few weeks. If she asked Sho to be there as her cousin, she invited me as a friend and their photographer. I smiled nostalgically.
"Ah...I wish it was my name on this invitation."
Sho burst out laughing.
"If you did what I told you, it would have been the case."
"What did you tell me?"
"To talk to her. Hello, goodbye, it could've worked."
"True... I'll try it next time."
"And your girlfriend?"
"Which one?"
"The model you introduced to me last time."
"Nah, it's over."
"Why?"
"I don't have any idea, it never really began."
"You slept with her!"
"Yeah but it's not enough to make a love story, you see."
"Jun, Jun...You're desperate. I wonder why I'm your friend."
"It's my line! When was your last time?"
"A long time ago."
"Exactly. You know what? We're gonna go to the wedding and we're gonna find us two pretty girls."
He adds nothing but he sips his glass of wine, a little smirk on the lips. I do the same and I let the silence come, trying to imagine how she looks like now.
=+=
She's still beautiful, perhaps even more now that she has matured. By her side, her husband is so ordinary. I wonder what attracted her to him...
We're trying to make a good impression, smiling, congratulating the couple the best we can. All day long I did my job and met all the guests, one after another. There's Sho's father and it's a real pleasure to see him again after so long. He never got married again after his wife's death and Sho is still very present in his life, helping financially too. Hidden behind my camera I watch my friend and I can see one of the maids of honor trying to approach him. Nothing amazing, he's still handsome, more charming today, so manly. It's really a part of the Sho mystery , how a man like him can still be single.
Everybody began to dance and we observed them nostalgically.
"Wallflower friends?" He smiles at me and leans on the wall.
"Yes. Wallflower friends. It reminds a lot of things, hm?"
"You're reminiscing now?"
"Must be. Seeing her so pretty in her wedding dress. Seeing again all the members of the committee. Did you see Taku? He's married and his wife just had a baby."
"Yes, I know, I saw the baby at the hospital."
He looks weird and I don't really like it. It's not nostalgia for him, it's sadness.
"Is something wrong?" I leaned on the wall beside him, my shoulder touching his.
"I don't know. Don't you have this strange feeling? Like being forced to make an assessment?"
"Not really, but if you say so... however, I don't see why you can be depressed with your life."
"I'm 27, Jun."
-I'm 26, and so?"
"I don't have a life."
"You're a 27-year old pediatrician, working in one of the best hospitals in Tokyo. What can be depressing about that?"
"Nothing. You're right."
He patted my shoulder and smiled at me, then sat down next to his father. I wasn't reassured at all, I know him too well, I know something is bother him.
And I was right. He had decided to get dead drunk, which never happens cause he's too afraid to do so when he can get a call from the hospital at any time. But tonight he had nothing else in mind and I was truly worried about him. It wasn't like him at all.
"Sho. Come with me. I'm taking you to bed."
I tried to convince him but he didn't answer. I shook him and he looked at me all of a sudden.
"Sho you're dead drunk, come, I'm gonna help you to bed."
His father helped me carry him to the bedroom door and I thanked him, leading him back to the party.
Sho giggles stupidly and fuck, he's so heavy when he's resting all of his weight on me. I've never been really light but I still weigh less than him.
I threw him on the bed and I removed his shoes and his socks, then draped a blanket over him. It's not very comfortable but whatever, that's the best I can do. I turned off the light and I turned away then I wondered if it was okay for me to leave him like that. What if he wakes up and decides to follow me? He can be so stubborn sometimes. I went back to the room and sat down on an armchair to sleep.
I tried to find a comfortable sitting position but I couldn't, it's merely impossible. And I'm not drunk enough to fall asleep there.
I pushed Sho and I took the place beside him in the bed. It's not the first time we're sleeping together, though.
It was still dark at night when I was awakened by his warmth against me. Too close. His arm was resting on my waist and I could feel his face near mine. His deep and warm breath caressing my skin. I couldn't move, too afraid to wake him and I smiled, thinking he must be dreaming that he's with the maid of honor. Too bad. It's just your old buddy with you right now.
I closed my eyes tight and I let his hand rest where it is, it doesn't bother me, it's not unpleasant to feel a little human warmth... even if I would prefer the other maid of honor too, the same as him I suppose.
I fell asleep again before being awakened by a kiss. Am I dreaming...?
No I'm not. Someone is kissing me. I tried to focus and remind myself where I am and I figured out it could only be Sho. It's weird. I've never asked myself how it would feel like to be kissed by Sho, but I'm sure I couldn't imagine that. This sweetness, this tenderness and this sadness. I couldn't see him, but I could feel his tears falling. I could hear him sobbing clearly as he placed butterfly kisses on my face. I couldn't open my eyes. I'm afraid to wake him up and see his reaction when he realizes he was being intimate towards me. I'm afraid to figure out that the Sho I know is just a sad and lonely man. I'm afraid to figure out how much I'm a useless friend for him.
I feel his hand tracing my arm and his thumb stroking my lips to gently encourage me to open up. I wonder if I could still play the sleeping guy, but I'm sure now that he's not. Without thinking more, I parted my lips, my heart started pounding in my chest and I let his tongue play with mine. I heard him groan in pleasure and this intimate sound made my eyes open wide. I gazed at him and I saw a desperate man. I could see desire, sadness and shame. A deep shame which killed me. I opened my mouth to make a joke, tried to say he's too drunk to notice I'm not a woman, but he's already at the door and went out without saying anything.
I lied on the bed and looked at the ceiling for a moment. Then grabbed my mobile and called him.
But he wouldn't answer.
And it was just the beginning.
This silence is killing me. I know the loneliness too much to ignore what I'll lose if I lose him. Above all, I don't understand his reaction. Yes, he kissed me, yes I let him kiss me but he was drunk and sad, it could've been far worse. I don't understand and it kills me as surely as if I was still wearing my fringe and big glasses.
I'm lonely and weak again, helpless without him by my side, as if I can only exist within his eyes, like the world exists only behind my camera. Every day I call him, pleading but he never answers.
"Sho it's me. Please answer. You were drunk, it's not a big deal. You remember that time when I kissed a wall when I was dead drunk? Sho... please. I'm miserable without you."
I don't know what to say, how to explain, about how much I miss him and above all that I don't give a damn about the kiss.
"Sho, I miss you..."
"I'm here."
I didn't know what to say, too happy to hear him.
"Can I see you?"
"Tonight at the wine bar."
I heard him chuckle and I felt relieved at last. I'm first at the bar that evening and I chatted with the owner, waiting for Sho. When I saw him walking through the door, I was finally able to breathe fully.
I looked at him briefly and he looked terrible. I had a feeling that he hasn't slept nor eaten this past 15 days.
"I know what you're gonna say, but I just got out of a 24-hour shift."
"I wasn't gonna say anything."
"Your thoughts were loud. So, how was your week?"
"I've got a photoshoot in New York for the opening of a museum."
"I see. That's great, when will you leave?"
"Next week, for a few days only, I'll be back for our date."
"I hope so."
He looks at me the same way he used to. A little bit ironic, some tenderness and tons of kindness. We don't talk about the wedding night. It's probably easier for both of us. Somehow, there's nothing to say, it could only be embarassing and idiotic. I know he feels ashamed of himself, that he feels bad about what he did to me. I wanted to tell him that I wasn't angry but his face kept my mouth sealed. I didn't want to see that desperation in his eyes again.
I went to New York the next week, and I called him every day, I needed to be reassured, to know that he's there for me, like I've been there for him.
I managed to end my photoshoot one day earlier and I could go back to Tokyo a day before what I planned. I went to my apartment to take a shower and changed my clothes before going to the hospital. I asked for him and a nurse informed me his shift was over and he's gonna come down in a moment.
I waited for him in the hall and when I saw him coming, I dialled his number.
"Moshi moshi?" I smiled seeing him shining after looking at his phone. "When will you come back?"
"I'm back. Can I see you?"
I started walking towards him, but I froze when I saw his embarassed face.
"I'm not in Tokyo, sorry."
I can't believe he's lying to me... I thought for a second to show him that I'm here, but I was too shocked.
"But tomorrow, I promise."
"You... you'll be back?"
"Yeah, sure. It's nothing, just a business travel."
"Ok."
"Call you tomorrow."
"Hm."
"Jun?"
"..."
"I'm looking forward to see you."
I didn't answer, I hung up my phone and I'm a little satisfied to see the guilt on his face. He walked through the hall and took a taxi. I didn't think too much and I took my car to follow him across the animated Tokyo. I don't know what I hope to discover by following him. I feel ashamed, cause I know that if he lied to me, it's obviously for a good reason, to preserve a secret perhaps. Where is he going? See a secret girlfriend, perhaps a consultation outside of the hospital, perhaps his father, I don't have any clue and along the road I could imagine a lot of things.
Does he have a child? And if he does, was he a drug addict or a game addict? No, impossible, I know him too well. I should stop these kinds of thoughts.
I parked my car when I saw the taxi stop in a street in Shibuya. I saw him walking to an alley without looking around him.
I kept my eyes on him and I followed when I saw him enter a bar.
I knew exactly what this place is without going further. I didn't hide myself but I did nothing to be noticed. He was sitting by the bar and I sat at a table far from the counter. I asked for a beer and the waiter smiled at me flirtatiously.
Sho...
He was sitting on a high chair and I could see him drinking his whisky steadily. And quickly a man sat next to him. They're similar, that was my first thought. His back is large and muscular, like Sho and his wide smile showed a row of perfectly white teeth. A tanned complexion and beautiful black hair, I can only notice how beautiful he is. He leans to Sho and I saw clearly the way he placed his hand on Sho's lap.
Then the other man stood up and Sho did the same, following him to the back of the club.
I felt my stomach burning and my head exploding thinking of what's probably happening between Sho and this stranger. I went out of the club furiously and jumped inside my car. I needed a few minutes to breathe normally and final started the car.
I got home after driving like a mad man in the streets of Tokyo and I could see nothing else than this crazy anger. I went around in circles inside my apartment, trying to understand what is worse. To be a blind fool, who never understood his best friend or to be such an awful friend for him to never dare to confess to me he liked men? Or the fact that I've always felt it but never said anything, afraid to lose him. Whatever, nothing can justify what I've done. Angry too, seeing him going to such a club to find a partner which doesn't even know how much he deserves to be loved.
I remember our kiss, the sweetness between us, the sadness in him, the fact that I didn't open my eyes to interrupt the kiss.
I couldn't sleep later on that night, I kept thinking of how to find the best solution. He told me nothing. If I say abruptly that I know everything, I know he's gonna leave me once again, like after that night at the hotel. And I didn't want to play that game. I'm too afraid of how he'd react to risk anything.
When dawn came, I have made a decision. I'm gonna shut my mouth and try to persuade him to tell me the truth by himself.
I purposely arrived late next evening at the wine bar to not cause suspicion. I'm afraid of how I'd react when he lies to me openly. My girlfriend...when I'll be married... bullshit.
It's a weird night. Nothing changed but nothing is the same. I can't see him the same way, I felt that I was seeing him the way he really is, with his failure and his sadness. As if I was finally seeing him in reality, not behind my camera. If I consider it carefully, I can imagine the moment he realized his homosexuality. Probably the day he decided to go to med school, forgetting his dream of a family life. He always smiles, he always talk about his life, but I'm aware now that he naturally he hides from me a part of himself. I feel miserable and pathetic cause I don't know how to help him to be the man he really is. This man is like no one else, he was the man who helped me become the man I dreamed to be.
I saw him removing his vest and I noticed a red mark in his neck. I blushed, suddenly thinking it's the man from the club who did this to him, who put his lips in Sho's neck. I see him differently now. I imagine his hands on a man's body and I blame myself a little more. Did I imagine him with a woman when I though he was straight? Of course not. So why should it change our relationship?
I try to figure out if he thought of me that way when his hand accidentally touched mine.
No, I'm sure. The man yesterday was strong and muscular, my exact opposite.
But now, I can't help but think of his lovers. We kissed, it's true. And it had been amazing.
"Jun?"
"Hm?"
"You're daydreaming."
"Sorry, I was... thinking."
"Tell me about New York, I want to know everything."
I can think of something else. Thank God.
Life goes on and I'll try my best to shut away all these confusing emotions which prevent me to see him like I always did.
I wonder if he goes often to this gay club, if he has a man in his life, a man he couldn't introduce to me so he wouldn't have to confess about his homosexuality.
I began to think about everything he hides from me... all the pain, the fear to be alone if he confesses his preference. It's just unbearable for me. If only...
But months passed by and not once did he let his guard down. We are hidden behind our habits and after a long time I suddenly realize that he moves me more than a friend should do.
I've always admired him as far as I can remember, he has always been my ideal, the unchanging rock. But now that I know that everything can change abruptly, my perspective of him is different. I look at him with apprehension and worry, my heart beating faster every time I see him and it's an evening at the bar wine when I finally realized.
"I'm gonna change departments."
He throws this announcement like it was nothing.
"You've been promoted?"
"More or less."
"In what department?"
"Pediatric oncology."
"Oncology? Cancer?"
"Yeah, and I'll do research too. That's why I've accepted it."
"So I must congratulate you. Omedetou."
I raised my glass and sipped my wine.
"When?"
"Next month. But..."
He seemed embarassed and I felt like I was seeing the teenager hidden in his sleeping bag from years before. I smiled.
"But..?"
"It's in Kyoto."
I didn't expect this and I kept silent for a while.
"You're gonna move?"
"Yes, I can't go back and forth Kyoto everyday."
I felt my world crumble.
"You can find the same thing in Tokyo, no?"
"Perhaps, I didn't look for it. But Kyoto is a pretty town, isn't it?"
"I don't get it. You asked to go to Kyoto?"
"Yes. I wanted to take a break."
He smiled gently but I knew how much sadness is hidden behind this smirk. I couldn't think straight. I just wanted to kick the nearest wall to calm my nerves. It's too late. I'm in love with him. It's like an awful prank. Just when I realized I'm in love, he decides to leave.
"Don't worry, Kyoto is not on the other side of the world. We'll see each other."
"When?"
"When? I don't know, we'll think of ways..."
Fuck. Stop acting, stop lying to yourself, stop lying to me. Leaving is just an easy way to never tell me who you really are. You'll find a guy, he will love you and make you happy, you'll never introduce him to me...impossible...you can be my best friend, but I can't wish you goodbye. I'm only a selfish man who wants to keep you for myself.
But I can't say it. My lips are sealed and I hate myself.
I cut our meeting short, pretending to have another appointment and went home. The countdown has begun.
It's awfully hard to smile when I'm with him. But I know it's the best thing to do. In Kyoto, he will be the man he wishes to be and finally find happiness. I guess...
It's my gift as a friend, giving him back what he gave me for so many years.
He seems really excited to move and I don't want to make him sad. I try to figure out what my life will be when he's not here anymore. Perhaps I will go to that club myself, find out if I'm not really gay. Perhaps it's just this. Perhaps it is the reason why none of my relationships worked well.
Not because of him, but thanks to him... or cause I'm gay too. I can't help but ask myself this question, even if I can't imagine to be in a man's bed. Perhaps only in his bed, in his arms.
I agreed to help him pack his stuff but it's heartbreaking. Staying with him this very last night, not letting him be alone in his empty apartment. He promised me an all-night drinking session and I couldn't refuse. But I'm broken.
We talked about highschool, we looked at the pictures, the old clothes he kept, the books he bought at the bookstore. We laughed a lot, trying to forget that tonight is our last night together. We're lying again and again to keep what's between us. I don't know if it's the best thing to do, I don't know anything.
We kept drinking beer and when the last pack was done, I brought out the two bottles of wine I bought from the wine bar. He seemed sad suddenly seeing this bottles. We drank silently and I wondered what I could say to ease his pain.
"I'll be fine, you know." That's all I could tell him.
"I know Jun."
I drank a little more to swallow the sadness in my throat. Then I didn't understand anymore.
I felt his hand on my cheek wiping away a tear. I closed my eyes to stop the annoying tears and I pulled away his hand with my left one. I'm not crying, nothing is hurting me, you can leave and I'll be fine. I'll be fine.
When I opened my eyes, he wasn't smiling anymore, he seemed confused, just like me. I leaned into him, stopped myself close to his face and when he placed his hand on my cheek, I kissed him. This time, I kissed him and even if he doesn't respond immediately he let me. I took advantage and laid him on the floor.
It felt so good to kiss him, feeling him responding, it's like making love for the first time. It's like nothing else, nothing I could imagine. We laughed a lot, cried sometimes, discovering ourselves for the very first time. He's sweet, tender, a bit rough when necessary, thinking about my pleasure before his. Probably considering the fact that I was making love to a man for the first time. But I didn't think about it, not even for a second. I'm making love to Sho, that's all I can get this night.
I left quickly at dawn when he was still sleeping, I didn't want to have to say goodbye. I didn't know how to do that and it's worse now that I fully understand what I'm really losing.
I laid in my bed all dressed. I don't want to see anyone today, perhaps when he's no longer in Tokyo anymore...
I hadn't been in my bed for about 10 minutes when I heard someone banging at my door. I opened the door hoping it's him and that he decided to stay. But it's impossible for him to knock, he has a spare key.
"Why did you leave?"
I was wrong.
"You don't have your keys?"
"I left in a rush, I forgot it."
I wanted to laugh, seeing him so him despite what had happened between us. I let him pass and closed the door behind.
"How could you leave after what happened?"
I took my time to answer.
"You ask the question? I went nowhere."
"It's unfair."
"I'm angry."
"So why didn't you tell me before? Why didn't you ask me to stay?"
"Cause you wanted to go."
"If I knew how you felt, I wouldn't even want to leave."
"So, stay."
I smirked, seductively.
"I can't, I've been promoted."
"I love you Sho."
"You're unfair for saying that to me now."
But he's already in my arms and I don't know how to let go of him anymore. However, I did my best.
"You should go."
"I don't want to go anymore."
"I'll see you."
"But it won't be enough."
"We have plenty of time. I'll come visit during weekends. And you'll have some free days too."
"Jun...why did you wait all this time?"
I didn't want to answer. I just wanted to enjoy the time it left until his departure. Then, I went with him to the station and kissed him passionately without minding all the shocked people around us.
It took me 3 months before I could no longer take it and prepared my luggage for Kyoto. I went to his apartment before going to the hospital.
I met the maintenance man who receive me warmly.
"You're looking for someone?"
"Sakurai-san."
"You're family?"
"No, he's my companion."
I smiled when I heard his voice from behind me and felt his hand on my waist.
"Oh, I see. Have a nice weekend."
"To tell you the truth...I'm gonna stay."
His smile froze and I felt Sho's hand stiffen on my waist. When the man was gone, he grabbed my hand and took me to his apartment.
I sat down on the couch and saw him working in the kitchen.
"Did I misunderstand?"
He put a cup of tea on the table and he sat down next to me.
"It depends. What did you understand?"
"That you want to stay in Kyoto?"
"Yeah. I can live in Tokyo or somewhere else, I can take the shinkansen for work and..."
Before I could finish my sentence, I was lying on the floor with him on top of me, weighing heavily on my body, kissing my face wildly. I laughed in spite of myself.
"What?"
"You've always been heavier than me."
"You want to be on top?"
"No, no. It's just perfect like this. You're just perfect for me."
I stroked his nape, starving for the kisses and the caresses I missed so much.