The stilness of remembering
Title: Stilness of remembering
Pairing: Ninomiya Kazunari/Sho Sakurai
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my stories
Note: I wrote this fic listening "Dreams" by Fleetwood Mac...I'm so in love with this song *-*
Millions of hug to shilriarizz who takes the time to find me in my cave and accept to be my beta <<33
"Sakurai-san, this is Ninomiya Kazunari. Nino, this is Sakurai-san, our master carpenter. He builds the set of the movie for Kyoto."
I saw him smiling to the producer and above all, trying to avoid my gaze. Frankly, I would have preferred to have my hand sliced by a fork than to face him again.
"Do you know each other?"
I wonder why he asked this question, perhaps it's just because I look disturbed.
I raised my eyes this time and saw him too close, opening his mouth with a "Saa~", smirking like he always did.
"Of course, everybody knows Ninomiya Kazunari, the famous actor. But personally, obviously no, how could that be possible? Hajimemashite, Ninomiya-san. Yoroshiku onegaishimasu."
I bowed as much as I could to avoid his gaze. I just wanted to run away as fast as I could to prevent myself from crying out what's on my mind at this very moment. And that's what I did, I turned around without saying goodbye. They can think of me as rude, uneducated, whatever, I don't give a shit.
My heart was pounding heavily in my chest while I walked through the enormous set, creating a distance between him and I. I could feel the burning sensation of his gaze on my back.
I resumed my work immediately. I put my gloves on and looked for my coworkers who are currently building the woodframe for a house. The hero's house, I guess, for this historical drama.
Why is he here, for God's sake? Since when did he act in this kind of historic production, he has always hated samurai movies. I hoped so much to never have to see him again.
How much could the probability of meeting him on this set be? One out one or two million? My life sucks. "Take this job, Sho-kun, please... I can't trust anyone else. If I refuse this movie because of this broken leg they will hire some other Master Carpenter and I'll lose all the future contracts with them..."
I should've refused.
As if I'm able to refuse a request from a sempai.. Yeah, but this time, I really should've and listened to my team's advice at the same time. They didn't want to give up a rehabilitation project for this kind of job, but they accepted out of loyalty and friendship.
We can only do our best now to finish this contract as soon as possible. It seems so simple saying it like this.
"We're done for the day." I put down the last plank when I noticed the night has already come. Close to me, I see Ohno and Matsumoto who are obviously looking forward to go home even if they kept silent.
"Thanks guys, good work today."
"Thanks, you too, Boss."
We placed the equipment inside my pick-up and drove home. It didn't take too long to drive the 20 kilometers to Kusatsu and when I dropped Matsumoto home, I saw his wife by the doorstep waiting for him.
"You want a drink?" Asks Ohno looking by the window absentmindedly.
"Not really."
"Ok, but if you want, I've got nothing to do tonight."
"Thanks Oh-chan, but I'm tired and we have a long day tomorrow, we better go home."
He doesn't say anything more and let me drive him home.
I can see how much he's worried about me because of the gloomy look I had on since we came to Kyoto. That's just not how I usually am. But I can't reassure him, I can barely get what's on inside my head, so how could I explain it to myself, much more to my best friend?
I parked the truck in front of my workroom, which is my little company's headquarters and incidentally my home too. This little house was owned by the dean of our town when I was child and I bought it when he died, adapting it according to my needs.
It's not very big and the biggest part is dedicated to work but I feel good about it, it's perfect for me.
I turned on the light and on the low table I found a bento made by my mother with a little note attached to it. I smiled despite myself.
I removed my jacket and took a shower, and then ate in silence. Then I couldn't take it anymore and I put the old vinyl album on the antique turntable which is always on the wooden furniture I made by myself for this purpose only.
The diamond flew directly to the third song and I laid back on my couch. Hearing the very first notes of this old Fleetwood Mac song, I reminisce about us this night.
How long has it been since then?
4-5 years perhaps 6... or more? I never could remember the adverse date of events. I can see him in our apartment's doorstep, not daring to make a step forward, trying to run away to not have to face me.
I remember removing my jacket after that nice dinner we had for our first anniversary.
"Kazu? Close the door please, it's cold."
He took a step forward and sat down keeping his coat in the couch. I set the disk we loved so much before sitting down face to face with him.
"Sho... I... I want my freedom."
I stayed speechless for a long time as the song played on.
« Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well, who am I to keep you down? »
I smiled bitterly and waited for his next words.
"I want to be an actor and if I stay here I'll never become one. I have to go to Tokyo."
I knew him too well and I was sure the ticket was already in his pocket.
I didn't ask if he wanted to take me with him, I knew very well he didn't. I was not part of his future anymore.
I knew too that he didn't want to only be an actor, he wanted to be famous and well-known, because if he wanted only acting, even a small theater would've been enough.
And above all, I knew this singer with this song was telling the truth.
If everything went well between us, he wouldn't want to be independent and free.
But I fooled myself since the beginning, cause I loved him too much. We were totally different. I only wanted to be happy, he wanted the world at his feet. It was conflicting.
I've wanted to hit him. Because of his selfishness and his cruelty, for the pain he caused me with his few simple lines. He really did nothing to spare me.
"I'm sure I have a chance. I'll try to come on the weekends, even if I can't, promise I'll come each month. I swear I'll do my best to become a man you'll be proud of."
He acted already so well at this time. If I didn't know him so well I would've believed him. I didn't know why I was so astonished, to be honest I always knew it wouldn't last forever. I've figured out but kept quiet since the beginning, I was totally curled unto myself gazing at him.
He had suddenly seemed embarrassed. A little bit of honesty at least?
"When?"
"Tomorrow."
The ticket is really in his pocket, huh. I smiled and opened the door. He looked at me "Hum?" and I showed him the exit.
"I'm gonna pack your stuff, and as soon you find a new place, I'll send them to you."
"Sho..."
He came close to me, trying to plead his cause, he can never accept to be seen as the bad guy. Seeing my serious face he tried to kiss me but I had turned my head away, refusing for the very first time his lips on my mouth. What for? We'll have sex and then? He'll leave after giving me a night of love? Was that his plan ?
"Go, please."
He didn't have to put his coat on because he hadn't taken the time to remove it before telling me goodbye, and he had walked through the door, looking at his feet. I closed the door gently, creaking it a last time for him, thinking to all the moments when I didn't take the time to fix it, preferring holding him in my arms.
I leaned my head on the window, watching him going down the stairs, then disappearing into the night. In less than an hour, nothing remained of our love story.
I didn't stop this night. I never sat more than one minute. I packed his stuff and took it to the garage, then cleaned the apartment from bottom to top to make everything disappear, even his smell. I had cleaned the sheets he slept in this morning, probably dreaming of glory in Tokyo.
When I had stopped, the shelves and the furnitures were half empty, and the sun was high in the sky. I finally laid on my now too big bed and let my despair out, crying all day long.
The next day, I worked and the evening at my parent's place I told them of my new life as single man. I laughed seeing the gloomy looks on their faces.
"It's not the end of the world. There's billions of couples who split for reasons regarding career and profession. It's not very unusual. I'm pretty sure he'll have a brilliant carrer and that he will be happy."
I think it's at this very moment I noticed the wrinkles at the corner of my eyes for the first time. These wrinkles give the impression that I'm always smiling. I don't have any choice, if I feel sadness around me, I would be unable to do anything as if nothing was wrong, as if one day he hadn't been the man of my life.
I closed my heart to any new love and I opened it to my family and friends, to the people I met in my daily life.
I ran away from every little thing that could remind me of him. But even if I chased his smell away, his presence like a ghost haunted me in every corner of our apartment. I heard his laughter and I flinched, I felt his arms around me as I was asleep in the bed where we shared love.
So, after a few months, I moved out. Not too sudden, in order for people not to notice how much it was him I was trying to escape..
I bought this little and traditional house at the end of the town which smelled of wood and nostalgia., I built a barn to make a workroom. Then I hired Matsumoto. He has just gotten married and had lost his job because of the recession. Few months after, I met Ohno who was already a woodcraft artist. He created masterpieces like no one else. It's his talent which made our little company recognized. His talent and our alchemy.
We worked hard all these years, without feeling anything except for the pleasure of achievement.
I never forgot him, but I chased him away from my memories, chasing all those dreams of future for both of us that I was the only one who's been wanting. He acted in a butai, some dramas, one or two movies and one day, he was everywhere, each time I turn on my TV. So I got rid of it.
I didn't buy magazines anymore, purposely avoiding the variety pages.
I heard people talking about him.
Saying they saw him going out with some actress he acted with. Rumors shut by his agency, replaced by promotion for his new drama.
I didn't want to hate him, because hate can only bring bitterness, I rather aimed indifference. I wanted to live like everybody else, seeing his face on the cover of the magazine without bleeding because of his absence. And I really think I managed to do it. I love my job, I love my friends, my family and I give everything I can give to them, but I'm not looking for another man. It's too early for that. When I was 20 years old I abandoned myself, body and soul, and he stomped on them both with cruelty. Years after, I wondered if he left something to save.
Seeing him was not so painful after all. This evening full of memories helped me figure out everything I've accomplished since our breakup. The man I am now is an absolute stranger to him. The man he became, far away from here, in other's arms, through other experiences. We are nothing to each other, we don't know each other anymore.
The following days, we worked hard with respect to our schedule and we even had some work done in advance. I began to relax now that I know that my work is appreciated and that my sempai will be proud of it. I enjoyed seeing all these actors in disguise walking through the streets I built, saying their lines and smoking freely in historical attire.
In the middle of the day, we were eating with the staff. We're not used to it, always eating with just the three of us; it's a little confusing. I'm looking forward to finishing this job cause I can't help myself but to think I'm gonna meet him again one day.
"The mayor called me sooner. He wants to give us the job for the big staircase of the Town Hall."
"Really?"
"Yes, it will take one month at least."
"It means we'll work indoors?" Jun smiled and put a sausage which has an octopus shape cooked by his wife on his mouth.
"You've become sensitive to the cold, Jun-kun?"
"Exactly. I'm not against some warmth if you want to know. Actually it's great to work on a movie set."
"Don't count on it too much, it's just a one shot. Hokuda will take the contract as soon as he can walk again.
"Sakurai-san?"
I looked up and saw the producer front of us.
"Aiba-san?"
"May I sit down?"
"Sure."
"I have a proposition for you. I'll film an historical movie in 3 months, in Hokkaido Ken. I was wondering if you would accept to manage the decoration team."
Ohno and Aiba looked at me, eyes wide open, wanting obviously for me to accept the deal without thinking any further.
I looked down and picked on a vegetable in my bento.
"Sorry, but I must refuse. I accepted a lot of contracts and I have no time for this kind of job."
"I understand that but it could be a first contract, there will be others..."
"Thanks for your kindness."
He nodded and left us.
"Are you crazy?" Jun shouted from afar.
"Why?"
"You refused? But they pay really well!"
"Money doesn't make happiness... and do you want to be the one to tell our client that we don't want to take care of them because we've found a better job? A job which forces us to be far away from home for 9 months a year?"
"I didn't realize. You're right."
I can only notice the deception in his voice. I understand his doubts but I'm sure he can't imagine how hard it will be if one day he must leave his wife behind.
"She's looking at us again." says Ohno pointing to someone. I turned around and saw the movie star chatting with Nino. They were really looking at us and seemed to be talking about us. I turned back and I picked up my bento.
"Let's go back to work."
"Now?"
"Why, you've got something to do?"
"Sho-kun, what's wrong with you?"
He really worried about me. Jun nods and I sat down. I've been bleak for a few days now and I'm aware of it too much.
"Sorry. I'm not very happy currently. I can't wait to finish this job, I want to go back to my habits as soon as possible."
They don't seem to believe my lie but they understood the fact that I didn't want to talk about it. However, a few hours later, I regretted my silence, because the actress come close to talk to Ohno and he has the clever idea to hire her to nail a plank.
"She wants invite us for a drink later."
"The 3 of us?"
"The 3 of us."
"Why?"
"I guess she can't invite only one of us because of rumors, and there will be a lot of the staff people."
"Jun won't be okay."
"Mao-chan come to Kyoto tonight. We don't have to take him home."
"You want me to tell you the truth? I don't want to. We are not living in the same world."
"Sho-kun, please. It's been months since I've been alone and I really like her."
"Who? The actress? Really?"
"What's the problem? She's a woman, not only an actress! And a really pretty woman..."
"I guess but..."
"Please, for me!"
"Okay, but we'll go home early."
"No problem!"
When I see his happy face, I figure I don't have any choice... She pleases him, it's obvious and when she thanks me because I accepted, I'm touched. They are cute together.
I let him guide me into a restaurant where everybody had already gathered, a little bit drunk. Ohno's girlfriend called us and I freaked out seeing that the only places left are between her, Aiba and... Nino. I would like to sit next the actress but like in a game of musical chair, Ohno has already taken the place.
I removed my coat and order a non-alcohol drink. I don't like alcohol and I've got to drive home, I know Satoshi will drink for both of us. I see him blushing and I wonder if I'll drive him home tonight. It's really worth it... tsk!
"Sakurai-san?" Aiba is talking to me and by looking at him, I noticed Nino who's carefully listening.
"Yes?"
"Did you know that Nino was born in Kusatsu too?"
"Really? It's a small world after all..."
"You're the same age, right?"
"I'm 29. I bet Ninomiya-san is barely 20 years old."
"Not at all! Nino how old are you?"
"29."
"You see?"
Aiba smiled at me and the sparkle in his eyes showed how much he's still drunk.
"I see."
Nino gazed at me deeply and I felt confused and uncomfortable. I don't like how he makes me feel. He seems so comfortable amongst all these people smiling and chatting warmly. It's weird to have shared the life of this very beautiful man. No one there knows about it and this secret between us disturbs me. And that's exactly what he's telling me with his look. He created a privacy between us and it's unbearable. I want to go home, escape far from here, perhaps drink to forget him once again, him and the way he drives me crazy.
"It's been a long time." I heard his voice in a whisper and I wondered if I heard him correctly. He looked at me discretely, smirking lightly like he always did so long before.
"Yes, it's been a long time."
"I didn't expect to see you there."
"Me neither."
I smiled, trying to feign indifference.
"It's a surprise."
"A good surprise?"
"Best of my life."
I see his hand close to mine and I take mine back as if I was burnt. His beautiful, manicured hand and mine, full of bumps and wounds. He doesn't have the right to do that. It's just disgusting. I feel the urge to be mean.
"So? How the sight up there?"
He makes a face and sits properly.
"It's cold."
I hope you freeze to death alone with your loneliness and your glory...
I blamed myself immediately for this thought that showed how much he had hurt me. How much he can still hurt me and make me angry.
"That's the price for glory, I guess."
It's better, lighter and out of touch.
"I guess.... Sho?"
"Sakurai, if you don't mind."
"I came back you know?"
"No, I don't."
"But you moved from home."
It's too much for me. I patted Ohno's shoulder and asked him if he can find someone else to drive him home tonight. My friend nodded and I took my coat then stood up.
"Where are you going?"
Nino stood up too and put his hand on my arm to stop me. I gazed at his hand and he took it back.
"I'm tired, I worked hard today."
"Could you take me back to the hotel? Please."
Everybody is looking at us and I can't refuse without making a scandal. I nodded silently, went out of the restaurant and got into my truck. He sat by my side.
I didn't start the engine, my heart is beating too fast in my chest. I'm overwhelmed by so many emotions: anger, urge to get rid of him, desire for him finally. I closed my eyes for a moment and I could feel his scent penetrating my heart then falling into my stomach heavily. This scent I tried so much to chase away from my memories.
"Sho?"
"Sakurai."
"You want to stay with me for a while?"
"Stay with you for a while?"
"I missed you."
I stare at him for a moment, him and all his seduction, this look so evocative, showing me how much he wants me. Perhaps even more than I wanted him. I can't see how it could be possible though. I leaned into him and I heard him holding his breath. He shut his eyes waiting for what is gonna come.
It's the good side to have been a couple once. I know by heart the way his desires work. I stopped one inch from his lips and I clenched my jaw. I feel a wave of desperation overwhelming me and the taste of my tears on the tips of my tongue. All the tears I cried for him still sticking deep inside my heart, everything he took with him when he left. But I'm still dying of desire for him, it's stronger than me, I feel the taste of his skin under my lips, the sound of his pleasure under my fingers.
"Is that what you want?" I whispered. He nods slowly and he closes firmly his eyes, ready to fall for me.
But I take my place back and put my belt on, then started the car. I know he doesn't get it. And I enjoy it.
We're driving the few kilometers to my home with the radio playing soft music.
I parked the car in front of the house and climbed the stairs, hearing his steps behind me.
I opened the door and hanged my coat then I walked to the kitchen.
"This is where you live?"
"Hm."
"It's nice. It's so like you."
He turned around, headed up and hanged his coat on mine.
"You want something to drink?"
"The usual."
"I forgot, sorry. Tea, coffee?"
"Infusion please."
I couldn't help but notice his look of disbelief but it's the truth. I chased the memory of him out so much, that I couldn't remember our habits no more.
I took some infusion and he picked one. I put it in the hot water and gave him the mug, then leaned on the wall. I can't sit down quietly in the living room like I do with friends. He's not a friend to me.
"How is Tokyo?"
I feel like I'm in a former highschool meeting, with a guy I can't barely remember the name of.
"It's big."
"I guess."
"Did you find someone?"
"It's none of your business."
I threw my mug in the sink, turning back.
"I have no one. No one was important after you."
I dreamt these words so much...
I have nothing to answer, I find it so cruel that I prefer to keep silent rather than exploding in anger.
I feel his hand stroking my back and patting my shoulder to encourage me to face him. I turned around and in one step forward I pushed him against the wall. I heard the sound of his back on the cement and I saw him stiffling a cry of pain. But he doesn't move and doesn't protest, he doesn't try to escape. On the contrary, he reaches for my face and kiss the corner of my mouth. I closed my eyes firmly, feeling him kissing my lower lip and my unshaved chin. When he parted his lips I stepped back and went out the kitchen.
"What are you trying to get by doing that?"
"You, just you."
"I've got nothing for you. I don't feel anything for you anymore."
"Sleep with me tonight, Sho."
I turned around once again to face him even if I know it's a bad idea. What will I find in his eyes? He's an actor who can do anything to obtain what he wants. Perhaps he is really sincere right now. And when he gets what he's looking for, he will go away again. I see him unbuttoning his shirt and hanging it on the chair. Then he unbuckles his belt and opens the zipper of jeans. He throws his tanktop on the floor then comes close to me.
He resumes his kisses and hugs me, sticking his body to mine, creating a contact I refused with all my strengh even if I couldn't find the courage to push him away. I remained inert despite of all that my body was telling me. His hand strokes my nape, his mouth is now lost in my neck and my collar he's tracing with one finger. I stepped back suddenly and lighted a cigarette.
"Put your clothes back on Nino. I'm not interested."
I don't look at him, I pick his clothes up and give them to him, closing my eyes to not let the smoke blind me.
He doesn't take it immediately, I can see how much he didn't expect things to turn out like this. It never happened to him probably and I can figure out once more how he hadn't changed despite all this years. But I'm not the same anymore and I'm not ready to drop my pride for a night of sex. Even if it's with him.
He finally reaches out and takes his clothes back. I take a drink while he's dressing.
"If that's all you had to say, I think I can drive you back or do you want to take a cab?"
He clenches his jaw and I could almost pity him. He learned from me how rejection feels like, it's a harsh lesson and I know it too much. But for him, it's only his ego, nothing that can't be cured by seeing his face in a magazine.
« Sho. »
"Sakurai."
"I didn't intend to use you..."
"Is that what you're doing now? You strip in front of the first guy you meet?"
"The first... You're not the first guy I met! We lived together! We loved each other, we never really broke up! Fuck!"
I smiled in disbelief.
"So when you left home to go to Tokyo, without calling even once, that's not what it meant?"
"I came back!"
"Are you kidding me?!"
"When I told you that I'm gonna leave, you opened the door and kicked me out faster, how did you think I'd feel?"
He's red out of anger and for the first time of my life, I felt like I was facing the real Ninomiya Kazunari. No secret thoughts hidden behind a smile or a concentrated look. He's angry, hurt and frustrated. But I don't want to fight, it's too late and there's nothing left to be saved.
"Nothing. I thought nothing."
I swept away his questions but he doesn't seem to give up.
"It was not a piece of cake in Tokyo. I worked hard to succeed!"
"You're gonna make me cry."
"You should support me!"
"You threw me away Nino! « I want my freedom », isn't that what you said? I never took your freedom away, I just thought we were a couple, yet you thought of me as someone who stole you away from your dreams."
"I've been clumsy."
"Clumsy is what we say when we get hit by a hammer. Not when we crush a man's heart."
I didn't want to go so far, I didn't want to give away so much. I didn't know I still had this bitterness inside me. I eased the beating of my heart seeing us like two fighters facing each other. I smirked.
"It's been a long time, there's no use thinking about it now. We can't help it."
"I never forgot about you."
"Me neither. I never forgot all I went through because of you."
"I'm so sorry Sho. I know it's useless but I'm really sorry. I didn't have your maturity at that time, I didn't know how to keep you and become the man I wanted to be at the same time."
I took a cigarette and after a moment, I stretched out the cigarette pack wide open. He took one and I lighted it for him.
We smoked in silence, trying to bring order to our thoughts. For the first time in all these years, I wondered if I was right, if I did something wrong in our story. Should I have followed him, tried to keep him, did he really intend to come back to me? It's impossible. No one can imagine that.
"I'm gonna go."
He reaches for his jacket.
"I'll drive you back?"
"I'm gonna call a cab, don't worry."
"You can wait inside, I don't mind."
"Thanks."
He walks through the room while I order my equipment, filling out some documents and order forms.
"You've become a great carpenter."
He stroked a honey-colored chair I made for school that I gave to him as gift.
"Thanks."
"I've always loved your work."
"Sorry I can say the same to you."
"You never saw any of my dramas?"
"No, I don't have a TV."
"We had one."
"I got rid of it."
He doesn't answer and I chanced a look at him. He looked so sad that I smiled, embarrassed.
"Don't think too much about it. It didn't work anymore, so I dumped it to the garbage. I didn't miss it so I didn't buy another one, end of the story."
He nodded and resumed his walk. I saw him going to the turntable and I stretched my arms out to stop him. But it's too late. He turned back and smiled at me, showing the Fleetwood Mac vinyl.
"You still have it?"
"It was my parent's, I couldn't throw it out."
"And the vinyl is on the turntable."
"I listen to it from time to time."
I felt bad seeing him so happy. As if he figured out something. I stood up to wait for the cab.
"The cab is coming from Kyoto?!"
"It shouldn't be long."
He comes too close to me, looking through the window beside me. I went back to the living room far from him.
"If it's not here in 10 minutes, I'll drive you back."
"Is it so hard bear with me?"
He smirks. But not me.
"Yeah. It is."
His mobile rings to announce the arrival of his cab.
"That's my cab. I'm going. Thanks for the walk and the infusion. You're working tomorrow?"
"Of course."
"On the set?"
"Yeah."
"See you then?"
"Maybe."
"Ja."
He waves at me and walks through the door making it move back and forth to see if this one squeaks.
He didn't forget.
Me neither after all.
=+=
I nailed the last plank of the set in a big satisfied smile. I thought I'll never succeed and by finishing it I'm happier than I could've thought. From the corner of my eye I watch the actors who are saying their lines once again seriously. It's funny to hear them speaking like how people used to a hundred years ago in jeans and sneakers. ..
I'll miss it. All this excitement, everything that gathered us and led us in the same direction. I wonder if the audience will like it, but I'm sure these past few weeks are a real turning point in my life.
I sit down while no one notices me, my hammer still in hand and I look at him. He's in a corner of the set and I can only see him. He shines when he acts, he's so happy that we can only be attracted to him. Or is it just me?
I'm in love. It's so obvious, everybody could figure it out. Everybody except him, who must be thinking my shyness is only a form of coldness. I can't be friendly with him...
What can I win by confessing to him my feelings except for a broken heart?
Suddenly, he looks at me and smiles before waving at me. I take my hammer back and hammer some invisible stuff before leaving quickly.
I began hanging the red curtain, giving myself some time to breathe at ease.
"Sho-kun?"
I turned around and still he's coming in the curtain with me, interrupting my work and I held my breath once again.
"You're disturbing me. I'm hanging this curtain."
"Why are you avoiding my gaze?"
"You know why."
Seeing him smiling, I realized how much he knows why I can't control myself when he's around. I'm not the first guy to be attracted to him, even if I'm perfectly aware I should be attracted to girls.
"So why don't you tell me?"
"Tell you what?"
"That you love me?"
"You're a guy. I.. I... don't love you."
"Liar!"
"I'm not lying."
"Why don't you try to kiss me?"
I'm gonna answer but he put his lips on mine and stole my heart definitely by dragging me in the big red curtain with him. It's beyond imagination, beyond the dreams I made of him. I kissed him with clumsiness and eagerness, forgetting the world spinning around us without paying attention. His warmth, his smile against my lips, his body against mine, I felt everything so clearly.
I wake up hearing the ring of my mobile and I answered the phone, eyes closed.
"We're waiting for you, boss. What are you doing?"
I looked at the clock and groaned before jumping into the shower. It's the first time in years that I've dreamt of our first kiss. I was so obsessed about our breakup, that I didn't remember how much we loved each other, how much loving him made me happy.
I'm already blaming myself for not blaming him so much, feeling my willingness crumble after only few hours of seduction.
We arrived at the set on time however.
Ohno has an ecstatic face on which pleased us. He didn't seem to have slept but he was at home this morning. Was she with him too?
We went to work immediately and when lunch time came we barely spoke to each other. We settled at the back of the catering area full off people.
"I have something to tell you guys."
We stared at Jun, it wasn't like him to make a great announcement.
"What's wrong?"
"It's Mao-chan... no, it concerns me too. I'm gonna have a baby."
"You're gonna have a baby?! Omedetou!"
"It's a little bit early for that, but we can't wait to welcome him. It's been a long time we've hoped for it."
When he married Mao abruptly, both of them still so young, everybody thought it was because she was pregnant. So it was harder for them seeing the years pass and nothing coming... it's a real miracle and their almost nonchalant look can fool nobody.
Concentrated on our questions we didn't notice the squeak of our bench. Satoshi's girlfriend and Nino sat with us without asking for permission.
Ohno smiles to his girlfriend and I notice the way they look at each other, like this kind of couple who's sharing an advanced privacy. That's exactly the way Nino is looking at me.
"Ohayou."
As if his presence amongst a carpenter's team was the most natural thing. I ignored him the best I could, which is truly difficult because of our closeness.
I looked at the baka couple but it's a waste of time, so I turned back to Jun.
"When is she due?"
"March. Early in March."
"Are you gonna make a bedroom?"
"We've already begun. We need you for the cradle."
"It would be my pleasure."
"You're gonna have a baby?" Nino barged in on the conversation. I looked at him coldly. "What? I was just asking that's all. Nothing wrong there!"
"It's none of your business! You don't know him!"
"On the contrary, you seem to know each other." Jun said, smiling.
"Absolutely not/It's a long story." We both answered at the same time.
"Why are you lying?" Nino accused.
"Why are you sitting next to me as if nothing was wrong? Don't you have something to do, a line to say, a friend to see?"
"I want to be with you."
"I..."
He gets on my nerves. He always did that, thinking he could barge in like this, as if only his presence could make me happy. I stood up and escaped, because I knew that I can't win against him. The only way is to run away.
"Take your time guys. I'm going ahead."
They nodded and I went back to the set. I'm not very surprised to find Nino by my side.
"Do you remember our first kiss? You had built this kind of set. Except, there was a big red curtain... The curtain where we made love at the night of the premiere."
I let him talk alone for a moment, trying to focus on what I'm doing without success. The dream I had this morning was too real in my mind. And I dreamt of the kiss only, not what came next.
"Stop that. You need two to play. You're playing alone..."
I'm mean but that's all I could say to prevent him from dragging me into his fantasy. He stayed still and I finished by raising my gaze to him to see if he's still there. He's sitting in a corner of the set, watching me working.
"You need some help?"
"No."
"Let me help you. It's not the first time."
He stood up and put his hand on the plank I'm sawing. I did the work and when he gave me another one I stopped him.
"I'm gonna say the same thing twice, but what are you looking for?"
"Go out with me. I want us to talk properly."
"When?"
"When you're available. You're angry, I know, and you don't want to see me anymore; I know that you owe me nothing. But please, let me explain to you properly."
"I don't care about your explanation, it's already in the past."
"I care and I think it can be a good thing. For you as it can be for me, despite what you're thinking."
"..."
"Perhaps it's our only chance to talk. Please Sho."
"Ok. When?"
"You decide."
Days passed by. I take the time to make him part of the scenery, waiting for my heart to stop pounding each time I see him and imagine it's only my mind playing tricks on me.
Each day he brings me coffee and smokes a cigarette with me and rumors began to spread about us. It's impossible for him as it is for me.
It's time to make a decision and finally draw a line on this story.
I let Jun go home and said goodbye to Ohno this evening. I went home to cook dinner. Not something very complicated, just like every time I have someone from my team or a friend over. I must admit I'm a little concerned about what's gonna happen cause I'm not expecting something in particular. I don't know what he is gonna say, nor what my reaction will be. I guess I'll go with the flow. I don't want to restrain myself, I'm almost 30, there's no time for this. Maybe is he right, maybe we need to talk about it to ease my mind.
When he knocked on my door, I opened it, dish towel still on my shoulder.
"Good evening." He gave me a sake bottle.
"I don't drink."
"I know. It's for me. I'll surely need it... this is for you."
He gave me a little gift which I opened silently. I smirked seeing the Fleetwood Mac CD.
"I never thought it exists..."
"It's a classic. You can hear it outside of your house."
"Thanks... and good evening. Come in."
I went back to the kitchen and he wore an apron and began slicing some vegetables skillfully. It's awkward, the two of us in this kitchen. His presence by my side agitate my heart, it's obvious, but I know he's here with me. It's real. He's not dreaming of something else, of a better place, he seems happy. It's insane to think that this man can't be alone in Tokyo's street without creating a fuss.
"Should I put everything in the nabe?"
"Yeah, go on."
"It smells good."
"It's not very elaborate, that's what I used to cook when I have a guest."
Seeing his smirk, I wonder what he understood in this simple sentence. Maybe he is thinking I have some lovers? Maybe he has some?
"It's not what you're thinking."
Why did I feel the need to say such a silly thing?
"I'm not thinking about anything Sho, you can do whatever you want."
"I'm not asking for your permission."
"I hope so."
I took the nabe and placed it at the low table. I blushed and I would give anything for a bucket of ice cubes. But I don't care if he noticed it... I don't mind after all.
I poured him a drink of sake and poured another for myself. Finally, I need one too.
"It's awkward to be here with you."
"I thought so too. It's weird to be with you after all these years and feel nothing. I loved you so much when we were kids."
"We weren't kids."
"What do you know when you're 20?" I drank another glass to make an illusion.
"We don't change so much becoming adults."
He doesn't drink his sake and he looks dead serious.
"Is it good?"
"Delicious."
I see tears in his eyes and I feel bad all of a sudden. I know he would like to break the wall around me, but it's too thick and I don't know how to destroy it anymore.
"Nino, I don't know what you're looking for. I can't understand unless you explain to me."
"I don't really know what I'm looking for either... when I left for Tokyo, I was convinced there's no other way. That it was the only way. I sacrificed you for my career."
I knew it, but it's good to hear.
"You wanted your freedom."
"I dreamt of freedom, it's true. I didn't know it meant loneliness."
"It's the reversed side of the glory."
"And I thought I could bear it. But I never could be happy without you."
"Why are you telling me this now?"
"Because somehow, I hope you still love me."
"Sorry."
"I don't believe you. You're alone, I'm not even sure you had someone since I left, and I can't believe you're happy. You're as miserable as me since we broke up."
"There's something you seem to be forgetting. It's you who broke up with me. I can't just act as if nothing was wrong and open my arms to you."
"I won't repeat my mistakes. I'll do anything to get you back. I swear."
"How could you only imagine... shit!"
I'm so not used to alcohol that I lost all notion of distance and poured the contents of my glass on my shirt. I stood up and pulled out a T-shirt from my drawer, removing my usual checkered shirt.
"You're more beautiful than before. You became so.. manly."
I turned back and I saw him by the doorframe, arms crossed, gazing at me. I stayed still like an idiot, letting him observe me, fascinated by the desire I could see in his eyes.
He needed only a few seconds to come to me and put his palms on my chest. I know I'm no longer the weak boy that I was when I was 20. All the work I've been doing built my shoulders and slimmed my waist, I'm thin but muscular. I don't take care of myself, I'm unshaved and have rough hands, a lot of scars which taught me my work and the extreme caution I needed to possess. His hands are so soft on my skin that if I closed my eyes, I would think they're owned by a woman. He swept away my doubt when he touched me. He took my hands and put it on his clothes to encourage me to remove them.
I don't know, I'm in doubt, I'm afraid to be dumped once more, but I wanted his body so badly.
"If you refuse this time, I'll give up. I'll know it's a waste and you've drawn a line between us. But I love you like a fool. I never wanted someone like I want you. You're still the most beautiful and the sweetest man I've ever met..."
His voice is soft like a whisper in my ear and before I knew it, my hand betrayed me by throwing his T-shirt on the floor and pressing him against me. We slipped into my bed which never knew anything else but me and my lonely nights.
I told myself he's gonna be my one-night stand, that I'm gonna use his body like he used my heart but I don't know how to do that and despite my unwillingness, I could only make love to him. With tenderness and patience, blessing the man and the woman who gave birth to this perfect man just for me. Nothing really changed. I still wonder how on earth he can be mine, fearing the moment I'm gonna fall from the sky and realize he's never been mine.
But for the time being, he's all mine. It's my name he groans and my lips he kisses, I don't want to think anymore, I just want to enjoy this precious moment.
We made love all night long but when I heard the first songbirds, I freaked out. He was sleeping on top of me, not embarrassed to be covered only by a small part of the sheets.. He changed too, despite his pretenses. He's not chubby anymore, he's more gracious, much more seductive too. I feel an awful pain in my chest, familiar. He's gonna leave once again. Why did I surrender so easily? Why did I put my heart at stake once again?
I freaked out.
I shook him and tried to push him out of the bed. Seeing his sleepy look, I figured he doesn't get it.
But I pulled his arms and sat him bluntly, putting his clothes on his lap.
"What? What are you doing?"
"I want you to get out of my house."
"Are you kidding? It's probably still 6 AM."
"It's 5. I don't want anyone to find you in my home."
"I don't give a shit, there're no paparazzis here. Come back to bed."
"I don't care about paparazzis, I don't want anyone to think you're my lover."
"That's what I am though."
"For how long? One day, one week, one month?"
"Sho..."
"Go. Please."
I'm really crazy. I'm so afraid to lose him, I can't enjoy this moment. And the worst part is that I'm aware of it. I don't want looks of pity around me when he leaves me again. I prefer to keep it to myself.
"I will not leave you."
"Of course you will. We're not made for each other."
"We're perfect for each other."
"Our lives are not compatible."
"It's too early to talk about it. We have much better things to do now."
He hugged me and leaned his temple on my chest but I pushed him away. I'm hurting him but I can't surrender like I did a long time ago.
He got dressed silently, accepting my demand, but I figured out all his eyes were telling me. He's sorry to have broken me like that, sorry to be the one who's suffering from it now.
I led him to the doorstep and kissed him one last time.
"I'm sorry Kazu, I would like for things to have turned out differently but I can't."
"I know. I'm sorry too. But this night..."
I smiled, happy above all and he smiled at me in response. I saw him disappearing after a last goodbye.
I can't sleep anymore, too moved by all these disturbing thoughts. I feel great, like I've never felt since he left my life and that's what I want to keep.
When we arrived on the set Nino was already there but he didn't come to meet us. All day long I could see him wander where I am and I'm surprised when I saw him at my doorstep once I got home.
"Are you gonna explain?" Ohno smiled, patting my shoulder before going back home.
I can see Nino's smile fading away when I climbed the stairs without gazing at him.
"Sho it's not what..."
I picked up his bag and opened the door, letting it open for him. I waited for him on the other side and did what I dreamt of the whole day. I pushed him against the wall and kissed him wildly, putting a leg between his thighs.
"Wait, wait!" he interrupts me and I step back, regaining control of myself. That's it? Already?
"Excuse me, I got carried away. You wanted to tell me something?"
"I.. I want you to carry me. Carry me, please."
He hung his arms on my neck and after wrapping his legs around my waist, I carried him to the bedroom. I'm starving for him.
This very night, even more than yesterday, I tried desperately to be full of him for the future, when he leaves me and I would be alone again. Will it be different with another man? Will he be as tender as him? Losing myself in him, I can finally find a future for myself. I can imagine the day when I will be with someone, when I'll open my heart to someone else because it's wonderful to love and be loved. Even if I forget it so strongly.
A few weeks have passed by and each night we kept on seeing each other at home, sometimes too impatient to wait, stopping by a hotel trying to be discreet. But people are talking. And Nino doesn't care.
"Everybody can know of it, I've got nothing to hide."
He laughs but I'm afraid for him.
"What are you afraid of?" He whispers in my ears one night when I was telling him my anxieties.
"I'm afraid someone will figure us out."
"Whatever..."
"Are you crazy?! What about your career?"
"What's the matter? Everybody will know I have a boyfriend. And?"
"I'm not your boyfriend."
"I hope you'll be, one day."
"We can't live together."
"For the moment."
"And if you get tired of me?"
"I had years to think about it. Yoroshiku onegaishimasu."
"What does that mean?"
"It means I trust you to not let me go. It means I would like for you to trust our relationship enough to keep me for yourself. Because we can't live separately."
"I..."
"Don't talk. For the moment we're together, in this bed, in this house and we're happy like we've never been."
"How would we know we will not do it again?"
"We wouldn't because today we know what we had lost, what we have found, what can't be replaced."
"I can't promise anything."
"Do you love me?"
I thought about it for a moment, trying to find an obvious answer I couldn't tell. It's in his eyes only.
"Yes, I love you."
"So everything will be fine now."
I can feel his hand taking mine under the sheets like we used to do a long time ago, a century ago, yesterday...
Pairing: Ninomiya Kazunari/Sho Sakurai
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my stories
Note: I wrote this fic listening "Dreams" by Fleetwood Mac...I'm so in love with this song *-*
Millions of hug to shilriarizz who takes the time to find me in my cave and accept to be my beta <<33
"Sakurai-san, this is Ninomiya Kazunari. Nino, this is Sakurai-san, our master carpenter. He builds the set of the movie for Kyoto."
I saw him smiling to the producer and above all, trying to avoid my gaze. Frankly, I would have preferred to have my hand sliced by a fork than to face him again.
"Do you know each other?"
I wonder why he asked this question, perhaps it's just because I look disturbed.
I raised my eyes this time and saw him too close, opening his mouth with a "Saa~", smirking like he always did.
"Of course, everybody knows Ninomiya Kazunari, the famous actor. But personally, obviously no, how could that be possible? Hajimemashite, Ninomiya-san. Yoroshiku onegaishimasu."
I bowed as much as I could to avoid his gaze. I just wanted to run away as fast as I could to prevent myself from crying out what's on my mind at this very moment. And that's what I did, I turned around without saying goodbye. They can think of me as rude, uneducated, whatever, I don't give a shit.
My heart was pounding heavily in my chest while I walked through the enormous set, creating a distance between him and I. I could feel the burning sensation of his gaze on my back.
I resumed my work immediately. I put my gloves on and looked for my coworkers who are currently building the woodframe for a house. The hero's house, I guess, for this historical drama.
Why is he here, for God's sake? Since when did he act in this kind of historic production, he has always hated samurai movies. I hoped so much to never have to see him again.
How much could the probability of meeting him on this set be? One out one or two million? My life sucks. "Take this job, Sho-kun, please... I can't trust anyone else. If I refuse this movie because of this broken leg they will hire some other Master Carpenter and I'll lose all the future contracts with them..."
I should've refused.
As if I'm able to refuse a request from a sempai.. Yeah, but this time, I really should've and listened to my team's advice at the same time. They didn't want to give up a rehabilitation project for this kind of job, but they accepted out of loyalty and friendship.
We can only do our best now to finish this contract as soon as possible. It seems so simple saying it like this.
"We're done for the day." I put down the last plank when I noticed the night has already come. Close to me, I see Ohno and Matsumoto who are obviously looking forward to go home even if they kept silent.
"Thanks guys, good work today."
"Thanks, you too, Boss."
We placed the equipment inside my pick-up and drove home. It didn't take too long to drive the 20 kilometers to Kusatsu and when I dropped Matsumoto home, I saw his wife by the doorstep waiting for him.
"You want a drink?" Asks Ohno looking by the window absentmindedly.
"Not really."
"Ok, but if you want, I've got nothing to do tonight."
"Thanks Oh-chan, but I'm tired and we have a long day tomorrow, we better go home."
He doesn't say anything more and let me drive him home.
I can see how much he's worried about me because of the gloomy look I had on since we came to Kyoto. That's just not how I usually am. But I can't reassure him, I can barely get what's on inside my head, so how could I explain it to myself, much more to my best friend?
I parked the truck in front of my workroom, which is my little company's headquarters and incidentally my home too. This little house was owned by the dean of our town when I was child and I bought it when he died, adapting it according to my needs.
It's not very big and the biggest part is dedicated to work but I feel good about it, it's perfect for me.
I turned on the light and on the low table I found a bento made by my mother with a little note attached to it. I smiled despite myself.
I removed my jacket and took a shower, and then ate in silence. Then I couldn't take it anymore and I put the old vinyl album on the antique turntable which is always on the wooden furniture I made by myself for this purpose only.
The diamond flew directly to the third song and I laid back on my couch. Hearing the very first notes of this old Fleetwood Mac song, I reminisce about us this night.
How long has it been since then?
4-5 years perhaps 6... or more? I never could remember the adverse date of events. I can see him in our apartment's doorstep, not daring to make a step forward, trying to run away to not have to face me.
I remember removing my jacket after that nice dinner we had for our first anniversary.
"Kazu? Close the door please, it's cold."
He took a step forward and sat down keeping his coat in the couch. I set the disk we loved so much before sitting down face to face with him.
"Sho... I... I want my freedom."
I stayed speechless for a long time as the song played on.
« Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well, who am I to keep you down? »
I smiled bitterly and waited for his next words.
"I want to be an actor and if I stay here I'll never become one. I have to go to Tokyo."
I knew him too well and I was sure the ticket was already in his pocket.
I didn't ask if he wanted to take me with him, I knew very well he didn't. I was not part of his future anymore.
I knew too that he didn't want to only be an actor, he wanted to be famous and well-known, because if he wanted only acting, even a small theater would've been enough.
And above all, I knew this singer with this song was telling the truth.
If everything went well between us, he wouldn't want to be independent and free.
But I fooled myself since the beginning, cause I loved him too much. We were totally different. I only wanted to be happy, he wanted the world at his feet. It was conflicting.
I've wanted to hit him. Because of his selfishness and his cruelty, for the pain he caused me with his few simple lines. He really did nothing to spare me.
"I'm sure I have a chance. I'll try to come on the weekends, even if I can't, promise I'll come each month. I swear I'll do my best to become a man you'll be proud of."
He acted already so well at this time. If I didn't know him so well I would've believed him. I didn't know why I was so astonished, to be honest I always knew it wouldn't last forever. I've figured out but kept quiet since the beginning, I was totally curled unto myself gazing at him.
He had suddenly seemed embarrassed. A little bit of honesty at least?
"When?"
"Tomorrow."
The ticket is really in his pocket, huh. I smiled and opened the door. He looked at me "Hum?" and I showed him the exit.
"I'm gonna pack your stuff, and as soon you find a new place, I'll send them to you."
"Sho..."
He came close to me, trying to plead his cause, he can never accept to be seen as the bad guy. Seeing my serious face he tried to kiss me but I had turned my head away, refusing for the very first time his lips on my mouth. What for? We'll have sex and then? He'll leave after giving me a night of love? Was that his plan ?
"Go, please."
He didn't have to put his coat on because he hadn't taken the time to remove it before telling me goodbye, and he had walked through the door, looking at his feet. I closed the door gently, creaking it a last time for him, thinking to all the moments when I didn't take the time to fix it, preferring holding him in my arms.
I leaned my head on the window, watching him going down the stairs, then disappearing into the night. In less than an hour, nothing remained of our love story.
I didn't stop this night. I never sat more than one minute. I packed his stuff and took it to the garage, then cleaned the apartment from bottom to top to make everything disappear, even his smell. I had cleaned the sheets he slept in this morning, probably dreaming of glory in Tokyo.
When I had stopped, the shelves and the furnitures were half empty, and the sun was high in the sky. I finally laid on my now too big bed and let my despair out, crying all day long.
The next day, I worked and the evening at my parent's place I told them of my new life as single man. I laughed seeing the gloomy looks on their faces.
"It's not the end of the world. There's billions of couples who split for reasons regarding career and profession. It's not very unusual. I'm pretty sure he'll have a brilliant carrer and that he will be happy."
I think it's at this very moment I noticed the wrinkles at the corner of my eyes for the first time. These wrinkles give the impression that I'm always smiling. I don't have any choice, if I feel sadness around me, I would be unable to do anything as if nothing was wrong, as if one day he hadn't been the man of my life.
I closed my heart to any new love and I opened it to my family and friends, to the people I met in my daily life.
I ran away from every little thing that could remind me of him. But even if I chased his smell away, his presence like a ghost haunted me in every corner of our apartment. I heard his laughter and I flinched, I felt his arms around me as I was asleep in the bed where we shared love.
So, after a few months, I moved out. Not too sudden, in order for people not to notice how much it was him I was trying to escape..
I bought this little and traditional house at the end of the town which smelled of wood and nostalgia., I built a barn to make a workroom. Then I hired Matsumoto. He has just gotten married and had lost his job because of the recession. Few months after, I met Ohno who was already a woodcraft artist. He created masterpieces like no one else. It's his talent which made our little company recognized. His talent and our alchemy.
We worked hard all these years, without feeling anything except for the pleasure of achievement.
I never forgot him, but I chased him away from my memories, chasing all those dreams of future for both of us that I was the only one who's been wanting. He acted in a butai, some dramas, one or two movies and one day, he was everywhere, each time I turn on my TV. So I got rid of it.
I didn't buy magazines anymore, purposely avoiding the variety pages.
I heard people talking about him.
Saying they saw him going out with some actress he acted with. Rumors shut by his agency, replaced by promotion for his new drama.
I didn't want to hate him, because hate can only bring bitterness, I rather aimed indifference. I wanted to live like everybody else, seeing his face on the cover of the magazine without bleeding because of his absence. And I really think I managed to do it. I love my job, I love my friends, my family and I give everything I can give to them, but I'm not looking for another man. It's too early for that. When I was 20 years old I abandoned myself, body and soul, and he stomped on them both with cruelty. Years after, I wondered if he left something to save.
Seeing him was not so painful after all. This evening full of memories helped me figure out everything I've accomplished since our breakup. The man I am now is an absolute stranger to him. The man he became, far away from here, in other's arms, through other experiences. We are nothing to each other, we don't know each other anymore.
The following days, we worked hard with respect to our schedule and we even had some work done in advance. I began to relax now that I know that my work is appreciated and that my sempai will be proud of it. I enjoyed seeing all these actors in disguise walking through the streets I built, saying their lines and smoking freely in historical attire.
In the middle of the day, we were eating with the staff. We're not used to it, always eating with just the three of us; it's a little confusing. I'm looking forward to finishing this job cause I can't help myself but to think I'm gonna meet him again one day.
"The mayor called me sooner. He wants to give us the job for the big staircase of the Town Hall."
"Really?"
"Yes, it will take one month at least."
"It means we'll work indoors?" Jun smiled and put a sausage which has an octopus shape cooked by his wife on his mouth.
"You've become sensitive to the cold, Jun-kun?"
"Exactly. I'm not against some warmth if you want to know. Actually it's great to work on a movie set."
"Don't count on it too much, it's just a one shot. Hokuda will take the contract as soon as he can walk again.
"Sakurai-san?"
I looked up and saw the producer front of us.
"Aiba-san?"
"May I sit down?"
"Sure."
"I have a proposition for you. I'll film an historical movie in 3 months, in Hokkaido Ken. I was wondering if you would accept to manage the decoration team."
Ohno and Aiba looked at me, eyes wide open, wanting obviously for me to accept the deal without thinking any further.
I looked down and picked on a vegetable in my bento.
"Sorry, but I must refuse. I accepted a lot of contracts and I have no time for this kind of job."
"I understand that but it could be a first contract, there will be others..."
"Thanks for your kindness."
He nodded and left us.
"Are you crazy?" Jun shouted from afar.
"Why?"
"You refused? But they pay really well!"
"Money doesn't make happiness... and do you want to be the one to tell our client that we don't want to take care of them because we've found a better job? A job which forces us to be far away from home for 9 months a year?"
"I didn't realize. You're right."
I can only notice the deception in his voice. I understand his doubts but I'm sure he can't imagine how hard it will be if one day he must leave his wife behind.
"She's looking at us again." says Ohno pointing to someone. I turned around and saw the movie star chatting with Nino. They were really looking at us and seemed to be talking about us. I turned back and I picked up my bento.
"Let's go back to work."
"Now?"
"Why, you've got something to do?"
"Sho-kun, what's wrong with you?"
He really worried about me. Jun nods and I sat down. I've been bleak for a few days now and I'm aware of it too much.
"Sorry. I'm not very happy currently. I can't wait to finish this job, I want to go back to my habits as soon as possible."
They don't seem to believe my lie but they understood the fact that I didn't want to talk about it. However, a few hours later, I regretted my silence, because the actress come close to talk to Ohno and he has the clever idea to hire her to nail a plank.
"She wants invite us for a drink later."
"The 3 of us?"
"The 3 of us."
"Why?"
"I guess she can't invite only one of us because of rumors, and there will be a lot of the staff people."
"Jun won't be okay."
"Mao-chan come to Kyoto tonight. We don't have to take him home."
"You want me to tell you the truth? I don't want to. We are not living in the same world."
"Sho-kun, please. It's been months since I've been alone and I really like her."
"Who? The actress? Really?"
"What's the problem? She's a woman, not only an actress! And a really pretty woman..."
"I guess but..."
"Please, for me!"
"Okay, but we'll go home early."
"No problem!"
When I see his happy face, I figure I don't have any choice... She pleases him, it's obvious and when she thanks me because I accepted, I'm touched. They are cute together.
I let him guide me into a restaurant where everybody had already gathered, a little bit drunk. Ohno's girlfriend called us and I freaked out seeing that the only places left are between her, Aiba and... Nino. I would like to sit next the actress but like in a game of musical chair, Ohno has already taken the place.
I removed my coat and order a non-alcohol drink. I don't like alcohol and I've got to drive home, I know Satoshi will drink for both of us. I see him blushing and I wonder if I'll drive him home tonight. It's really worth it... tsk!
"Sakurai-san?" Aiba is talking to me and by looking at him, I noticed Nino who's carefully listening.
"Yes?"
"Did you know that Nino was born in Kusatsu too?"
"Really? It's a small world after all..."
"You're the same age, right?"
"I'm 29. I bet Ninomiya-san is barely 20 years old."
"Not at all! Nino how old are you?"
"29."
"You see?"
Aiba smiled at me and the sparkle in his eyes showed how much he's still drunk.
"I see."
Nino gazed at me deeply and I felt confused and uncomfortable. I don't like how he makes me feel. He seems so comfortable amongst all these people smiling and chatting warmly. It's weird to have shared the life of this very beautiful man. No one there knows about it and this secret between us disturbs me. And that's exactly what he's telling me with his look. He created a privacy between us and it's unbearable. I want to go home, escape far from here, perhaps drink to forget him once again, him and the way he drives me crazy.
"It's been a long time." I heard his voice in a whisper and I wondered if I heard him correctly. He looked at me discretely, smirking lightly like he always did so long before.
"Yes, it's been a long time."
"I didn't expect to see you there."
"Me neither."
I smiled, trying to feign indifference.
"It's a surprise."
"A good surprise?"
"Best of my life."
I see his hand close to mine and I take mine back as if I was burnt. His beautiful, manicured hand and mine, full of bumps and wounds. He doesn't have the right to do that. It's just disgusting. I feel the urge to be mean.
"So? How the sight up there?"
He makes a face and sits properly.
"It's cold."
I hope you freeze to death alone with your loneliness and your glory...
I blamed myself immediately for this thought that showed how much he had hurt me. How much he can still hurt me and make me angry.
"That's the price for glory, I guess."
It's better, lighter and out of touch.
"I guess.... Sho?"
"Sakurai, if you don't mind."
"I came back you know?"
"No, I don't."
"But you moved from home."
It's too much for me. I patted Ohno's shoulder and asked him if he can find someone else to drive him home tonight. My friend nodded and I took my coat then stood up.
"Where are you going?"
Nino stood up too and put his hand on my arm to stop me. I gazed at his hand and he took it back.
"I'm tired, I worked hard today."
"Could you take me back to the hotel? Please."
Everybody is looking at us and I can't refuse without making a scandal. I nodded silently, went out of the restaurant and got into my truck. He sat by my side.
I didn't start the engine, my heart is beating too fast in my chest. I'm overwhelmed by so many emotions: anger, urge to get rid of him, desire for him finally. I closed my eyes for a moment and I could feel his scent penetrating my heart then falling into my stomach heavily. This scent I tried so much to chase away from my memories.
"Sho?"
"Sakurai."
"You want to stay with me for a while?"
"Stay with you for a while?"
"I missed you."
I stare at him for a moment, him and all his seduction, this look so evocative, showing me how much he wants me. Perhaps even more than I wanted him. I can't see how it could be possible though. I leaned into him and I heard him holding his breath. He shut his eyes waiting for what is gonna come.
It's the good side to have been a couple once. I know by heart the way his desires work. I stopped one inch from his lips and I clenched my jaw. I feel a wave of desperation overwhelming me and the taste of my tears on the tips of my tongue. All the tears I cried for him still sticking deep inside my heart, everything he took with him when he left. But I'm still dying of desire for him, it's stronger than me, I feel the taste of his skin under my lips, the sound of his pleasure under my fingers.
"Is that what you want?" I whispered. He nods slowly and he closes firmly his eyes, ready to fall for me.
But I take my place back and put my belt on, then started the car. I know he doesn't get it. And I enjoy it.
We're driving the few kilometers to my home with the radio playing soft music.
I parked the car in front of the house and climbed the stairs, hearing his steps behind me.
I opened the door and hanged my coat then I walked to the kitchen.
"This is where you live?"
"Hm."
"It's nice. It's so like you."
He turned around, headed up and hanged his coat on mine.
"You want something to drink?"
"The usual."
"I forgot, sorry. Tea, coffee?"
"Infusion please."
I couldn't help but notice his look of disbelief but it's the truth. I chased the memory of him out so much, that I couldn't remember our habits no more.
I took some infusion and he picked one. I put it in the hot water and gave him the mug, then leaned on the wall. I can't sit down quietly in the living room like I do with friends. He's not a friend to me.
"How is Tokyo?"
I feel like I'm in a former highschool meeting, with a guy I can't barely remember the name of.
"It's big."
"I guess."
"Did you find someone?"
"It's none of your business."
I threw my mug in the sink, turning back.
"I have no one. No one was important after you."
I dreamt these words so much...
I have nothing to answer, I find it so cruel that I prefer to keep silent rather than exploding in anger.
I feel his hand stroking my back and patting my shoulder to encourage me to face him. I turned around and in one step forward I pushed him against the wall. I heard the sound of his back on the cement and I saw him stiffling a cry of pain. But he doesn't move and doesn't protest, he doesn't try to escape. On the contrary, he reaches for my face and kiss the corner of my mouth. I closed my eyes firmly, feeling him kissing my lower lip and my unshaved chin. When he parted his lips I stepped back and went out the kitchen.
"What are you trying to get by doing that?"
"You, just you."
"I've got nothing for you. I don't feel anything for you anymore."
"Sleep with me tonight, Sho."
I turned around once again to face him even if I know it's a bad idea. What will I find in his eyes? He's an actor who can do anything to obtain what he wants. Perhaps he is really sincere right now. And when he gets what he's looking for, he will go away again. I see him unbuttoning his shirt and hanging it on the chair. Then he unbuckles his belt and opens the zipper of jeans. He throws his tanktop on the floor then comes close to me.
He resumes his kisses and hugs me, sticking his body to mine, creating a contact I refused with all my strengh even if I couldn't find the courage to push him away. I remained inert despite of all that my body was telling me. His hand strokes my nape, his mouth is now lost in my neck and my collar he's tracing with one finger. I stepped back suddenly and lighted a cigarette.
"Put your clothes back on Nino. I'm not interested."
I don't look at him, I pick his clothes up and give them to him, closing my eyes to not let the smoke blind me.
He doesn't take it immediately, I can see how much he didn't expect things to turn out like this. It never happened to him probably and I can figure out once more how he hadn't changed despite all this years. But I'm not the same anymore and I'm not ready to drop my pride for a night of sex. Even if it's with him.
He finally reaches out and takes his clothes back. I take a drink while he's dressing.
"If that's all you had to say, I think I can drive you back or do you want to take a cab?"
He clenches his jaw and I could almost pity him. He learned from me how rejection feels like, it's a harsh lesson and I know it too much. But for him, it's only his ego, nothing that can't be cured by seeing his face in a magazine.
« Sho. »
"Sakurai."
"I didn't intend to use you..."
"Is that what you're doing now? You strip in front of the first guy you meet?"
"The first... You're not the first guy I met! We lived together! We loved each other, we never really broke up! Fuck!"
I smiled in disbelief.
"So when you left home to go to Tokyo, without calling even once, that's not what it meant?"
"I came back!"
"Are you kidding me?!"
"When I told you that I'm gonna leave, you opened the door and kicked me out faster, how did you think I'd feel?"
He's red out of anger and for the first time of my life, I felt like I was facing the real Ninomiya Kazunari. No secret thoughts hidden behind a smile or a concentrated look. He's angry, hurt and frustrated. But I don't want to fight, it's too late and there's nothing left to be saved.
"Nothing. I thought nothing."
I swept away his questions but he doesn't seem to give up.
"It was not a piece of cake in Tokyo. I worked hard to succeed!"
"You're gonna make me cry."
"You should support me!"
"You threw me away Nino! « I want my freedom », isn't that what you said? I never took your freedom away, I just thought we were a couple, yet you thought of me as someone who stole you away from your dreams."
"I've been clumsy."
"Clumsy is what we say when we get hit by a hammer. Not when we crush a man's heart."
I didn't want to go so far, I didn't want to give away so much. I didn't know I still had this bitterness inside me. I eased the beating of my heart seeing us like two fighters facing each other. I smirked.
"It's been a long time, there's no use thinking about it now. We can't help it."
"I never forgot about you."
"Me neither. I never forgot all I went through because of you."
"I'm so sorry Sho. I know it's useless but I'm really sorry. I didn't have your maturity at that time, I didn't know how to keep you and become the man I wanted to be at the same time."
I took a cigarette and after a moment, I stretched out the cigarette pack wide open. He took one and I lighted it for him.
We smoked in silence, trying to bring order to our thoughts. For the first time in all these years, I wondered if I was right, if I did something wrong in our story. Should I have followed him, tried to keep him, did he really intend to come back to me? It's impossible. No one can imagine that.
"I'm gonna go."
He reaches for his jacket.
"I'll drive you back?"
"I'm gonna call a cab, don't worry."
"You can wait inside, I don't mind."
"Thanks."
He walks through the room while I order my equipment, filling out some documents and order forms.
"You've become a great carpenter."
He stroked a honey-colored chair I made for school that I gave to him as gift.
"Thanks."
"I've always loved your work."
"Sorry I can say the same to you."
"You never saw any of my dramas?"
"No, I don't have a TV."
"We had one."
"I got rid of it."
He doesn't answer and I chanced a look at him. He looked so sad that I smiled, embarrassed.
"Don't think too much about it. It didn't work anymore, so I dumped it to the garbage. I didn't miss it so I didn't buy another one, end of the story."
He nodded and resumed his walk. I saw him going to the turntable and I stretched my arms out to stop him. But it's too late. He turned back and smiled at me, showing the Fleetwood Mac vinyl.
"You still have it?"
"It was my parent's, I couldn't throw it out."
"And the vinyl is on the turntable."
"I listen to it from time to time."
I felt bad seeing him so happy. As if he figured out something. I stood up to wait for the cab.
"The cab is coming from Kyoto?!"
"It shouldn't be long."
He comes too close to me, looking through the window beside me. I went back to the living room far from him.
"If it's not here in 10 minutes, I'll drive you back."
"Is it so hard bear with me?"
He smirks. But not me.
"Yeah. It is."
His mobile rings to announce the arrival of his cab.
"That's my cab. I'm going. Thanks for the walk and the infusion. You're working tomorrow?"
"Of course."
"On the set?"
"Yeah."
"See you then?"
"Maybe."
"Ja."
He waves at me and walks through the door making it move back and forth to see if this one squeaks.
He didn't forget.
Me neither after all.
=+=
I nailed the last plank of the set in a big satisfied smile. I thought I'll never succeed and by finishing it I'm happier than I could've thought. From the corner of my eye I watch the actors who are saying their lines once again seriously. It's funny to hear them speaking like how people used to a hundred years ago in jeans and sneakers. ..
I'll miss it. All this excitement, everything that gathered us and led us in the same direction. I wonder if the audience will like it, but I'm sure these past few weeks are a real turning point in my life.
I sit down while no one notices me, my hammer still in hand and I look at him. He's in a corner of the set and I can only see him. He shines when he acts, he's so happy that we can only be attracted to him. Or is it just me?
I'm in love. It's so obvious, everybody could figure it out. Everybody except him, who must be thinking my shyness is only a form of coldness. I can't be friendly with him...
What can I win by confessing to him my feelings except for a broken heart?
Suddenly, he looks at me and smiles before waving at me. I take my hammer back and hammer some invisible stuff before leaving quickly.
I began hanging the red curtain, giving myself some time to breathe at ease.
"Sho-kun?"
I turned around and still he's coming in the curtain with me, interrupting my work and I held my breath once again.
"You're disturbing me. I'm hanging this curtain."
"Why are you avoiding my gaze?"
"You know why."
Seeing him smiling, I realized how much he knows why I can't control myself when he's around. I'm not the first guy to be attracted to him, even if I'm perfectly aware I should be attracted to girls.
"So why don't you tell me?"
"Tell you what?"
"That you love me?"
"You're a guy. I.. I... don't love you."
"Liar!"
"I'm not lying."
"Why don't you try to kiss me?"
I'm gonna answer but he put his lips on mine and stole my heart definitely by dragging me in the big red curtain with him. It's beyond imagination, beyond the dreams I made of him. I kissed him with clumsiness and eagerness, forgetting the world spinning around us without paying attention. His warmth, his smile against my lips, his body against mine, I felt everything so clearly.
I wake up hearing the ring of my mobile and I answered the phone, eyes closed.
"We're waiting for you, boss. What are you doing?"
I looked at the clock and groaned before jumping into the shower. It's the first time in years that I've dreamt of our first kiss. I was so obsessed about our breakup, that I didn't remember how much we loved each other, how much loving him made me happy.
I'm already blaming myself for not blaming him so much, feeling my willingness crumble after only few hours of seduction.
We arrived at the set on time however.
Ohno has an ecstatic face on which pleased us. He didn't seem to have slept but he was at home this morning. Was she with him too?
We went to work immediately and when lunch time came we barely spoke to each other. We settled at the back of the catering area full off people.
"I have something to tell you guys."
We stared at Jun, it wasn't like him to make a great announcement.
"What's wrong?"
"It's Mao-chan... no, it concerns me too. I'm gonna have a baby."
"You're gonna have a baby?! Omedetou!"
"It's a little bit early for that, but we can't wait to welcome him. It's been a long time we've hoped for it."
When he married Mao abruptly, both of them still so young, everybody thought it was because she was pregnant. So it was harder for them seeing the years pass and nothing coming... it's a real miracle and their almost nonchalant look can fool nobody.
Concentrated on our questions we didn't notice the squeak of our bench. Satoshi's girlfriend and Nino sat with us without asking for permission.
Ohno smiles to his girlfriend and I notice the way they look at each other, like this kind of couple who's sharing an advanced privacy. That's exactly the way Nino is looking at me.
"Ohayou."
As if his presence amongst a carpenter's team was the most natural thing. I ignored him the best I could, which is truly difficult because of our closeness.
I looked at the baka couple but it's a waste of time, so I turned back to Jun.
"When is she due?"
"March. Early in March."
"Are you gonna make a bedroom?"
"We've already begun. We need you for the cradle."
"It would be my pleasure."
"You're gonna have a baby?" Nino barged in on the conversation. I looked at him coldly. "What? I was just asking that's all. Nothing wrong there!"
"It's none of your business! You don't know him!"
"On the contrary, you seem to know each other." Jun said, smiling.
"Absolutely not/It's a long story." We both answered at the same time.
"Why are you lying?" Nino accused.
"Why are you sitting next to me as if nothing was wrong? Don't you have something to do, a line to say, a friend to see?"
"I want to be with you."
"I..."
He gets on my nerves. He always did that, thinking he could barge in like this, as if only his presence could make me happy. I stood up and escaped, because I knew that I can't win against him. The only way is to run away.
"Take your time guys. I'm going ahead."
They nodded and I went back to the set. I'm not very surprised to find Nino by my side.
"Do you remember our first kiss? You had built this kind of set. Except, there was a big red curtain... The curtain where we made love at the night of the premiere."
I let him talk alone for a moment, trying to focus on what I'm doing without success. The dream I had this morning was too real in my mind. And I dreamt of the kiss only, not what came next.
"Stop that. You need two to play. You're playing alone..."
I'm mean but that's all I could say to prevent him from dragging me into his fantasy. He stayed still and I finished by raising my gaze to him to see if he's still there. He's sitting in a corner of the set, watching me working.
"You need some help?"
"No."
"Let me help you. It's not the first time."
He stood up and put his hand on the plank I'm sawing. I did the work and when he gave me another one I stopped him.
"I'm gonna say the same thing twice, but what are you looking for?"
"Go out with me. I want us to talk properly."
"When?"
"When you're available. You're angry, I know, and you don't want to see me anymore; I know that you owe me nothing. But please, let me explain to you properly."
"I don't care about your explanation, it's already in the past."
"I care and I think it can be a good thing. For you as it can be for me, despite what you're thinking."
"..."
"Perhaps it's our only chance to talk. Please Sho."
"Ok. When?"
"You decide."
Days passed by. I take the time to make him part of the scenery, waiting for my heart to stop pounding each time I see him and imagine it's only my mind playing tricks on me.
Each day he brings me coffee and smokes a cigarette with me and rumors began to spread about us. It's impossible for him as it is for me.
It's time to make a decision and finally draw a line on this story.
I let Jun go home and said goodbye to Ohno this evening. I went home to cook dinner. Not something very complicated, just like every time I have someone from my team or a friend over. I must admit I'm a little concerned about what's gonna happen cause I'm not expecting something in particular. I don't know what he is gonna say, nor what my reaction will be. I guess I'll go with the flow. I don't want to restrain myself, I'm almost 30, there's no time for this. Maybe is he right, maybe we need to talk about it to ease my mind.
When he knocked on my door, I opened it, dish towel still on my shoulder.
"Good evening." He gave me a sake bottle.
"I don't drink."
"I know. It's for me. I'll surely need it... this is for you."
He gave me a little gift which I opened silently. I smirked seeing the Fleetwood Mac CD.
"I never thought it exists..."
"It's a classic. You can hear it outside of your house."
"Thanks... and good evening. Come in."
I went back to the kitchen and he wore an apron and began slicing some vegetables skillfully. It's awkward, the two of us in this kitchen. His presence by my side agitate my heart, it's obvious, but I know he's here with me. It's real. He's not dreaming of something else, of a better place, he seems happy. It's insane to think that this man can't be alone in Tokyo's street without creating a fuss.
"Should I put everything in the nabe?"
"Yeah, go on."
"It smells good."
"It's not very elaborate, that's what I used to cook when I have a guest."
Seeing his smirk, I wonder what he understood in this simple sentence. Maybe he is thinking I have some lovers? Maybe he has some?
"It's not what you're thinking."
Why did I feel the need to say such a silly thing?
"I'm not thinking about anything Sho, you can do whatever you want."
"I'm not asking for your permission."
"I hope so."
I took the nabe and placed it at the low table. I blushed and I would give anything for a bucket of ice cubes. But I don't care if he noticed it... I don't mind after all.
I poured him a drink of sake and poured another for myself. Finally, I need one too.
"It's awkward to be here with you."
"I thought so too. It's weird to be with you after all these years and feel nothing. I loved you so much when we were kids."
"We weren't kids."
"What do you know when you're 20?" I drank another glass to make an illusion.
"We don't change so much becoming adults."
He doesn't drink his sake and he looks dead serious.
"Is it good?"
"Delicious."
I see tears in his eyes and I feel bad all of a sudden. I know he would like to break the wall around me, but it's too thick and I don't know how to destroy it anymore.
"Nino, I don't know what you're looking for. I can't understand unless you explain to me."
"I don't really know what I'm looking for either... when I left for Tokyo, I was convinced there's no other way. That it was the only way. I sacrificed you for my career."
I knew it, but it's good to hear.
"You wanted your freedom."
"I dreamt of freedom, it's true. I didn't know it meant loneliness."
"It's the reversed side of the glory."
"And I thought I could bear it. But I never could be happy without you."
"Why are you telling me this now?"
"Because somehow, I hope you still love me."
"Sorry."
"I don't believe you. You're alone, I'm not even sure you had someone since I left, and I can't believe you're happy. You're as miserable as me since we broke up."
"There's something you seem to be forgetting. It's you who broke up with me. I can't just act as if nothing was wrong and open my arms to you."
"I won't repeat my mistakes. I'll do anything to get you back. I swear."
"How could you only imagine... shit!"
I'm so not used to alcohol that I lost all notion of distance and poured the contents of my glass on my shirt. I stood up and pulled out a T-shirt from my drawer, removing my usual checkered shirt.
"You're more beautiful than before. You became so.. manly."
I turned back and I saw him by the doorframe, arms crossed, gazing at me. I stayed still like an idiot, letting him observe me, fascinated by the desire I could see in his eyes.
He needed only a few seconds to come to me and put his palms on my chest. I know I'm no longer the weak boy that I was when I was 20. All the work I've been doing built my shoulders and slimmed my waist, I'm thin but muscular. I don't take care of myself, I'm unshaved and have rough hands, a lot of scars which taught me my work and the extreme caution I needed to possess. His hands are so soft on my skin that if I closed my eyes, I would think they're owned by a woman. He swept away my doubt when he touched me. He took my hands and put it on his clothes to encourage me to remove them.
I don't know, I'm in doubt, I'm afraid to be dumped once more, but I wanted his body so badly.
"If you refuse this time, I'll give up. I'll know it's a waste and you've drawn a line between us. But I love you like a fool. I never wanted someone like I want you. You're still the most beautiful and the sweetest man I've ever met..."
His voice is soft like a whisper in my ear and before I knew it, my hand betrayed me by throwing his T-shirt on the floor and pressing him against me. We slipped into my bed which never knew anything else but me and my lonely nights.
I told myself he's gonna be my one-night stand, that I'm gonna use his body like he used my heart but I don't know how to do that and despite my unwillingness, I could only make love to him. With tenderness and patience, blessing the man and the woman who gave birth to this perfect man just for me. Nothing really changed. I still wonder how on earth he can be mine, fearing the moment I'm gonna fall from the sky and realize he's never been mine.
But for the time being, he's all mine. It's my name he groans and my lips he kisses, I don't want to think anymore, I just want to enjoy this precious moment.
We made love all night long but when I heard the first songbirds, I freaked out. He was sleeping on top of me, not embarrassed to be covered only by a small part of the sheets.. He changed too, despite his pretenses. He's not chubby anymore, he's more gracious, much more seductive too. I feel an awful pain in my chest, familiar. He's gonna leave once again. Why did I surrender so easily? Why did I put my heart at stake once again?
I freaked out.
I shook him and tried to push him out of the bed. Seeing his sleepy look, I figured he doesn't get it.
But I pulled his arms and sat him bluntly, putting his clothes on his lap.
"What? What are you doing?"
"I want you to get out of my house."
"Are you kidding? It's probably still 6 AM."
"It's 5. I don't want anyone to find you in my home."
"I don't give a shit, there're no paparazzis here. Come back to bed."
"I don't care about paparazzis, I don't want anyone to think you're my lover."
"That's what I am though."
"For how long? One day, one week, one month?"
"Sho..."
"Go. Please."
I'm really crazy. I'm so afraid to lose him, I can't enjoy this moment. And the worst part is that I'm aware of it. I don't want looks of pity around me when he leaves me again. I prefer to keep it to myself.
"I will not leave you."
"Of course you will. We're not made for each other."
"We're perfect for each other."
"Our lives are not compatible."
"It's too early to talk about it. We have much better things to do now."
He hugged me and leaned his temple on my chest but I pushed him away. I'm hurting him but I can't surrender like I did a long time ago.
He got dressed silently, accepting my demand, but I figured out all his eyes were telling me. He's sorry to have broken me like that, sorry to be the one who's suffering from it now.
I led him to the doorstep and kissed him one last time.
"I'm sorry Kazu, I would like for things to have turned out differently but I can't."
"I know. I'm sorry too. But this night..."
I smiled, happy above all and he smiled at me in response. I saw him disappearing after a last goodbye.
I can't sleep anymore, too moved by all these disturbing thoughts. I feel great, like I've never felt since he left my life and that's what I want to keep.
When we arrived on the set Nino was already there but he didn't come to meet us. All day long I could see him wander where I am and I'm surprised when I saw him at my doorstep once I got home.
"Are you gonna explain?" Ohno smiled, patting my shoulder before going back home.
I can see Nino's smile fading away when I climbed the stairs without gazing at him.
"Sho it's not what..."
I picked up his bag and opened the door, letting it open for him. I waited for him on the other side and did what I dreamt of the whole day. I pushed him against the wall and kissed him wildly, putting a leg between his thighs.
"Wait, wait!" he interrupts me and I step back, regaining control of myself. That's it? Already?
"Excuse me, I got carried away. You wanted to tell me something?"
"I.. I want you to carry me. Carry me, please."
He hung his arms on my neck and after wrapping his legs around my waist, I carried him to the bedroom. I'm starving for him.
This very night, even more than yesterday, I tried desperately to be full of him for the future, when he leaves me and I would be alone again. Will it be different with another man? Will he be as tender as him? Losing myself in him, I can finally find a future for myself. I can imagine the day when I will be with someone, when I'll open my heart to someone else because it's wonderful to love and be loved. Even if I forget it so strongly.
A few weeks have passed by and each night we kept on seeing each other at home, sometimes too impatient to wait, stopping by a hotel trying to be discreet. But people are talking. And Nino doesn't care.
"Everybody can know of it, I've got nothing to hide."
He laughs but I'm afraid for him.
"What are you afraid of?" He whispers in my ears one night when I was telling him my anxieties.
"I'm afraid someone will figure us out."
"Whatever..."
"Are you crazy?! What about your career?"
"What's the matter? Everybody will know I have a boyfriend. And?"
"I'm not your boyfriend."
"I hope you'll be, one day."
"We can't live together."
"For the moment."
"And if you get tired of me?"
"I had years to think about it. Yoroshiku onegaishimasu."
"What does that mean?"
"It means I trust you to not let me go. It means I would like for you to trust our relationship enough to keep me for yourself. Because we can't live separately."
"I..."
"Don't talk. For the moment we're together, in this bed, in this house and we're happy like we've never been."
"How would we know we will not do it again?"
"We wouldn't because today we know what we had lost, what we have found, what can't be replaced."
"I can't promise anything."
"Do you love me?"
I thought about it for a moment, trying to find an obvious answer I couldn't tell. It's in his eyes only.
"Yes, I love you."
"So everything will be fine now."
I can feel his hand taking mine under the sheets like we used to do a long time ago, a century ago, yesterday...