{f} A ripple in the water (a figment on the mind)
A ripple in the water (a figment on the mind)
Pairing: Kai/Xiumin
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Paranormal
Word count: 4011
Summary: At least he wasn’t alone. At least someone could see him.
A fill to this prompt at EPM
Water fell from the sky in the shape of droplets. Droplets that sunk into the soil, ran along the walls of the sky high buildings - a world shying away from the rain as it hit the ground in a pitter-patter. There were people walking on the streets still, even with the rain falling down upon them, but the streets were filled with pretend-to-be roofs - a hide-out under a dark fabricated umbrella.
Jong In watched the world from the side line. His eyes watching the flow of people from his high above the ground seating, nestled inside one of the smaller apartments as he waited for the older male to wake up for yet another day, even as dreary as it was in this very moment.
They had adjusted to his existence in the everyday life to Min Seok, adjusted to the being of the two crossing paths over and over, until Min Seok had held out his hand to Jong In. Tense smile, squared shoulders and the moment bringing a new supposed hope to Jong In.
“I can see you.”
Fingers tapped against the glass, not making any sound, not ricocheting any bounce of noise that was supposed to tell about his existence in the world. Sometimes he felt at loss because he was not a living person any more. He was what people supposed as a “ghost”. A figment of an illusion against the horizon.
Min Seok was a man with few words, but an aura of belonging. He lit up the room like a freaking match, something he was rather fond of; Min Seok as his lit up match in the darkening world. Jong In fell at peace with the whole idea of following through life with him, even as a ghost in the back of the mind. Even as a person who had barely known Min Seok in his actually living.
Kim Min Seok. 25 years old.
Kim Jong In. 19 years old. For good.
They were spot on different. He had barely managed through his first year of university before the death impended on him, and here Min Seok was finishing up and graduating in the spring - as spring was already close now.
Sounds mingled with the gentle pitter-patter of rain hitting the window, eyes raking over to the bed where he found the body waking up from a drowsy, seven hour sleep. At least that was what he understood from the clock on the bedside table ticking.
Tick-tock-tick.
Seeing Min Seok rise from bed - shoulders hunched, hair in every direction - he knew better than to look upon the male and rather watched away. Back at the crowd of people wandering on the streets - their wander with a purpose and with a set destination.
Work, home or school - places they had to be, appointments to get to - it was like a reminder that this was how life had been for him as well. Life, as he had right now, was gentle. Peaceful, if not boring. Sure he bothered the living daylights to Min Seok, but the whole idea of being nobody in a crowd of people with a title of something was frightening.
At least he was seen.
At least he was not alone.
There was a stretched yawn, a hand scratching the top of his head and in a second, Jong In’s eyes strayed to see the male wander off to the bathroom. A mumble was heard over the heaviness of the morning, hearing Min Seok mumble about classes, assignment and Lu Han.
That meant they were in motion again - the two of them adjusting to the morning, to Min Seok’s classes and assignments - it meant that Jong In did not have to re-think everything possible. About life, about death - about why the hell he was there in the first place.
And yet he felt startled when he heard a hissing curse from the bathroom and something hitting the floor. Life was set in motion again. Into the regularity that left him wanting to stop time and linger in space, give him peace and in the same time be able to seek out for Min Seok in time needed.
But life was busy, and he was not a part of life, easing him into the pattern of looking out for and to wander after the world he wanted to be a part of.
∞Min Seok was an easy man - simple chores done, assignments finished way before their due time and the scent of coffee surrounded the man as if it was his heaven. He had the chuckles down to the notch, following the antics of his friend as they sprinted across the campus - screaming out after each other and probably disrupting classes as they went.
Jong In envied this.
“Lu Han!”
Oh he envied this so much, he thought as he watched the two shove at each other, drenched from head to toe from the heavy rain weather. At least Min Seok did not let the weather bother as he and Lu Han tripped onto each other, surprise caught in their facial expression, the fall not the slightest friendly on their bodies.
Morons, he scoffed, shrugging his shoulders and avoiding passing people as it had been just as unpleasant for him as to others when they accidentally walked through him, or as accidental as it could be as he simple was not there.
Still, there was the simplicity in Min Seok and Lu Han’s friendship - how the two of them could cling so desperately onto each other without further ado - and it made Jong In kind of wanting to see that stupid face to Tae Min or maybe bothering the stone face Se Hun after dancing rehearsal.
But no. There was no possibility for him to even think so, because they did not even notice him or see him in the fullest - the safest was to make Min Seok do it, and still he had said “no”.
No, because he does not want to be seen as crazy.
No, because Min Seok actually denies the truth that he can see ghosts. That Jong In was created by the mere news of his death - tragic in some sense.
So he just lingered around, watching Min Seok go on with his daily life, even if it also happens to be rolling around in mud with Lu Han and declaring war in the middle of the campus, disrupting the peace to other students around them. He sighed deeply. How he wanted to bother Se Hun and Tae Min, or hang with them, or just a simple hug.
And he loved hugs. God damn death was depressing without those safe havens, making him think about the nights where Tae Min and he had huddled up together with video games and snacks littering around their feet, savouring each other’s body heat (and no, they were not cuddling for the sake of life, they simple brushed shoulders).
Lu Han was not a person he had expected that Min Seok would hang around with in the beginning, how his grins were lit up and the entire face got that odd sort of look to it in all at times, but over time he got used to the silent laughter that emitted from the male at horrible jokes. Sure their friendship was odd, a very nice oddity.
Hands gripped at the other body, the roll of their bodies, back hitting wet ground and their laughter seemed to disappear in to grunts as they pushed their hands - dirtied with mud - against the other’s face. Screams had evaporated completely, leaving them in a silent, feeble fight to end it all.
A thrown punch here.
A knee gut there.
Groans from lips and slaps from the sound of mud hitting wet clothing.
Unruly, uncaring - their fingers gripping at hair strands until they doubled over in laughter, rain hitting them mercilessly as they rolled together in a mess of tangled limbs. Jong In saw the freedom in this, in how a body could be such a present in itself as they controlled it for years - their body, their health - a borrow system of sorts.
“You fought well,” Lu Han said in the even silence and Min Seok let out a relieved sigh. “A worthy competitor.”
They shook hands lying on the ground, forgetting what was seen as proper etiquette of living, letting their hands linger together in a hand hold - closeness, Jong In mused, was what they had.
“And you as well,” Min Seok agreed, his lips turned up in a pleased smile, “So what about a warm shower and a cup of coffee at mine?” He offered afterwards, pushing himself from the ground with a little shake, shivering from what Jong In presumed to be the cold.
Lu Han agreed to the coffee.
∞
He goes off for some time - a feeble attempt to run away from Min Seok, and only to see that the man did not really care if he took off in the first place - a sigh was all he got when he came back from his little attempt, gaining a levelled gaze and a small hushing motion with his finger to his lips.
No talking.
Jong In did not notice it at first, how the single bed was occupying two bodies instead of one, how Min Seok was whispering in a language he could not understand - finding words that he was sure that Min Seok was completely unsure in the general sound and use.
But watching fingers thread to bleached blond hair, short kept and flat, he noticed the taller boy - huddling together to become as small as possible, a noise sounding like a sniffle caught his attention as he watched over Min Seok soothing him in his arms. Even as short as he was, he really could take the place - giving the feeling that he would do anything if possible.
Their legs are tangled up in each other, a close proximity to avoid falling over and the fact that he was soothing someone made Jong In lurch forward, curious as to why and curious as to who this person was. Min Seok did not give any room for discussion, swiftly looking over at him at times to keep track of him as Jong In simply found himself sitting on the window sill again.
A ticking clock reminded him back again to their usual mornings - the grumbles, the stretches, a bed complaining under the weight - and he watched how Min Seok was taking such care, whispering against bleached hair, fingers running along the shell of an ear - adored with piercings that seemed to glint faintly in the light.
“I think he’s asleep,” Min Seok murmured to Jong In, a faint - yet tired - smile on his lips, eyes looking up at the lingering ghost that had taken residence in his house, “Tao’s been a little… lonely. Seoul is a long way from Qing Dao, that’s for sure.”
The male, curled up against Min Seok, stirred lightly but kept his posture the same. Soft sounds of sleep swivelling in between them as Jong In looked over the tall kid. He knew better than to peer into Min Seok’s personal life. Knowing sole people - like Jong Dae and Lu Han - but otherwise he knew almost nothing about his private, personal life.
Perched on his place, he hummed a quiet tune before flicking his eyes up at Min Seok, watching the calculative expression take place.
“Why are you here, Jong In?”
It was not a question as to why he was at Min Seok’s, but rather: why had he not gone over? What was the reason that kept him there still? For him, it was unknown. Reasons would not come up whenever he thought about it, trying to figure out if there had been something he had not been able to do when he was alive.
Well, there was the dance rehearsals. And the last stage. And graduation and probably getting a girlfriend… Honestly, reasons were not many as they did not really keep him there. They were meaningless in a sense.
“Do you have any idea what might hold you back?” there was a tired sigh - the ‘exhausted to the bone’ kind of sigh - making his being a little colder.
Odd.
A reaction.
He clutched onto his knees, trying to steady himself as he breathes in - unnecessary - and looked away from the imploring male. Questions made him uncomfortable, especially questions like these. Jong In knew it was childish to turn away from those, as there was the certain importance of it.
“You can’t ignore those questions forever, Jong In.” Min Seok said in a finality, settling in with Tao again - his whole persona directed at the younger as he spoke in a soft tone, the language from before filling the room and making Jong In so unsure about his place in life.
∞
Min Seok was crying - heaving deep breaths, fingers pushing into his cheeks as he mumbled to himself. To him, he did not know how to sooth someone, having only had an emotional stunted friend (Se Hun) and a moron who could not even go on the more intimate feelings (Tae Min).
Fingers twitched, lips wetted from the sheer luck he experienced in his afterlife: Watching his newly acquired companion cry his heart out. He wanted to give space, yet in the same time he wanted to put his arms around him and just… hug him, he guessed.
Hugs were comfort, right? Furrowing at his own train of thoughts, he hesitantly placed a hand on Min Seok’s shoulder with no avail. It seemed like he was cursed with slipping through people - even the people who could see him.
Min Seok shied away from his fingers, mumbling out “don’t touch me”, making him stand there helplessly in front of someone he actually thought well about. The older had a simple sense to him - warm to others, the living or the dead, wanting to compile to other’s wishes.
He broke down and he broke down in pieces.
Pieces that Jong In could not pick up afterwards - feeling completely at loss.
“But I want to touch you,” Jong In whispered, dropping to his knees as he peered at the older male, hoping to crack into the tightly protected shield, “I want to live as well.”
There came a dry laugh followed with a shake to Min Seok’s head, “Don’t go around saying that, Jong In, we all live once. Nothing more.”
“But-“
“No, Jong In, please. I don’t want to have this talk again about reincarnation,” Min Seok muttered, his hands balled up in fits, eyes looking away from Jong In as anger replaced a set sadness that had seeped into his shoulders. “Because we only live once, only once.”
His fingers hovered over Min Seok’s cheek, a sad smile flitting over his lips - eyes downturned as he tuned in to the needs of the older. Evenings like these were hell, the uncertainty arising inside of him, wavering his energy to the absolute brink. Ghost or not, figment or not… he did not want Min Seok crying over something.
“What happened?” He asked in a quiet, worried tone, searching for any sign of hint - anything to tell him what caused Min Seok to shatter against the world.
There was no real answer spoken, just a look on the other’s face that made his stomach fall. The look that looked so cracked for someone so strong. A little haphazard in the living, a small piqued of hopelessness and the murmur of why it happens and how it happens.
Death - to someone close - was a hard shell to break down. It meant shock, it meant draining mornings where they could not live on. He knew this so much after having seen his mother break her favourite cup and cry her eyes out at the fine china after his passing.
“Be brave, hyung,” fingers ghosted over skin, causing goose bumps dancing across the expanse, letting out a wistful sound, “You have to be brave.”
“I wish I could be brave.” His voice was barely over a whisper, and to Jong In he could see the insecurity over loss. Close relations - death. It was not pleasant for any one.
He could not offer much of comfort - soothing another person was something he was not used to - so as far as he could go, he sat there on his knees and spoke in a hushed voice about life afterwards. (Not entirely bad, maybe a little lacking in the sense of being able to touch people. Kind of lonely.)
He risked his heart and his soul to calm down a shattered person - weakened by the circle that they often called life. It was like that, him wishing to press his forehead against the other, cradle the face of the other in his hands carefully as he would have savoured the feeling of their breaths mingling.
It was gone quick, though, as Min Seok shook his head and an exhausted smile brushed over his lips - apology stretched in his very bone. Jong In wanted nothing more to brush it away and to cradle him against him in a rush of something.
Something he had felt before, but already were gone.
Something that seemed to linger a little, like a bitter after-taste after a horrible coffee, making him question everything just a bit longer. Just a bit more.
They happened to be divided, far away from one another, two separate worlds that entwined into one as they ghost fingers over each other, but never touching. It was hard - hard being Kim Jong In, forever 19 years old and dead under the ground. Hard being Kim Min Seok, turning 26 next year with no further claim to the right of being a kid who sees ghosts and scares his parents over the fact that he had said “grandma is still lingering around, mum,” which was a one-way ticket into the “hush, don’t say a word about this again”.
And despite it all, Jong In tried to brush fingers through hair, share breaths together and have the other closer to him much more than he would say was a natural want.
Two people so close yet so far from each other, wanting nothing less and nothing much against the greed of the world, painted in hues of grey as the rain season passed by, illuminating themselves in a sense of insecurity over everything alive and dead.
And it was not past midnight before they slipped away from each other again, finding their ways to their respective places; the window sill so welcoming all the more again. And the bed creaking underneath the weight of a human so tired from everything.
Maybe Jong In should not have gotten too close to the other, feeling a certain ache that he was not familiar with - the cutting edges of uncertainty brushing up inside of him, coating him with the blackness he had experienced once upon a time.
No, he should not.
Should not…
∞
There was laughter, so much laughter - a step in the right direction, he believed, making him smile as he watched from the side line; always from the side line. Min Seok looked happy as he embraced his friends over and over again.
March had come, March had demanded and begged for the end of the school year - graduating those that ended everything and brushing up those who had keep on going for a new school year.
And here he stood, in between the bustling crowd and cheering friends, congratulations whispered in between themselves, secretive in pursuit. It was truly spring as he watched Min Seok thank everyone so humbly, small smiles pressed into his cheeks and his eyes lit up with an unspeakable happiness - elated in his movements, his speech dripped with a thankful tone, bowing to his parents with such gratefulness that it just moved him.
Shook his world askew.
It was tilted off-centre, making his head spin with all the possibilities, making him realise why in the whole universe he still was there - hung up on a man who saw him and gave him the freedom to speak again.
Why was he here again? Because, certainly, it had to be because of him. Min Seok was like a lit up match in a dark room making him long for it all. For everything.
Min Seok was like a sun on a dreary day, making people feel better about themselves and helping them through obstacles, even if it meant he had to stay silent about his own pain. He was soft with hands, voice calm as he soothed wounds and brought people so much hope and happiness, elated with the possibility to do so - even if it meant to crack down by himself.
But, as spring sat in, the trees rustling and the cherry blossom blooming ahead of them, he figured it was time to set in stone and to step off the line. To go where spirits went for a relished time, knowing his grandfather would be there to take him in. Just small steps, even steps.
The laughter made him elated - made him smile like the sun finally set on him, warming him up from within as he stood to the side, watching over the man who had become a big part of his life. Short amount of counted months, of months which he believed where about seven of those.
He laughed alongside with them, let his heart free as he laughed along with them, letting every contained feeling free as he watched Min Seok being free as well.
And free he wanted to be.
Kim Jong In, forever 19 years old, was contemplating to go over to the other side. No matter the fear, no matter the reasoning in it all. He wanted to take him to the side, to smile and thank him, and give a little wave. And if possible - reincarnate again alongside with him. A start over, a new beginning.
So - like a ripple in the water, a figment to the mind - he trailed his fingers over the walls and began walking. To leave the happy place that gave him so much more than he had originally intended on getting, and whereas his friend - Min Seok - had only planned on helping him over a crossroad, a boundary that he feared himself to even cross.
The laughter that tinkled in his ears, the cut out picture of Min Seok surrounding him with people, hugging and spinning around - cheerful and mindful of everything. Things like these helped him stay grounded as he mingled into the crowd of people, disappearing as he was.
Hoping to go on.
Hoping to disappear.
To never return to square one - to Min Seok’s apartment, to the window sill he came to love and hate. Something about the place feeling like home merely because of Min Seok and merely because there were no other place where he was seen and heard.
Jong In did not exist in reality. He was no more and no less - human was he not and ghosts did not exist - and the fact that he might just be a figment, an illusion to Min Seok made everything a little worse. Because he wanted to coil in on himself and forget himself in the sun.
Evaporate like a tiny raindrop saying goodbye to the earth once more.
There and then, with a fleeting smile on his lips, he turned and whispered out into the crowd towards the ever smiling guy who seemed to light up the whole world. A hush that could barely be heard, but the moment Min Seok turned, eyes widened with shock, he knew he had heard.
And with the passing people, a flickered smile on a pair of lips - everything stilled in the moment where there was just the faint whisper over the wind, like a goodbye against roaring waves.
“Thank you, hyung, for everything.”
∞
an; when half-way through, you kinda missed the exact point of the prompt, but it's ghost kai who cares for xiumin.