(no subject)
This is absolutely hilarious. My sister sent it to me and I laughed forever...all of them are so, SO true. So ridiculously true. I bolded the ones that I find eerily accurate, with some comments from yours truly. The peanut gallery.
You pronounce it "Muntreal", not "Mahntreal". (You foreigners just don't get it. Particularly Isaac. "Hi we are in MAAAAAAAAntreal"..guh.)
You have ever said anything like "I have to stop at the guichet before we get to the dep."(Mmm, depanneurs.)
You can watch soft-core porn on broadcast TV, and this has been true for at least 25 years.
You show up at a party at 11 p.m. and no one else is there yet.(Happens every time. The clubs don't get packed until at least 1 AM)
You have yet to understand a single announcement made on the Metro PA system, no matter what the language.(Seriously. All I hear is the dreaded "doo doo doo...Attention" and it's all right to hell from there.)
Your only concern about jaywalking is getting a ticket.(Especially downtown)
You understand and frequently use terms like 'unilingual,' 'anglophone,' 'francophone,' and 'allophone.'
You agree that Montreal drivers are crazy, but you're secretly proud of their nerves of steel. (Takes a special perosn to drive along St. Catheirne Street.)
You have to bring smoked meat from Schwartz's and bagels from St-Viateur if you're visiting anyone west of Cornwall.(And even if you're not. Because you get cravings. CRAVINGS)
You refer to Tremblant as "up North."
You know how to pronounce Pie IX. (Go on. Try it :-D )
You have an ancient auntie who still says "Saint Dennis."
You believe to the depth of your very being that Toronto has no soul - but your high school reunion is held in Toronto because most of your classmates live there now(Toronto is the DEVIL!).
You greet everyone, from lifelong bosom friends to some one you met once a few years ago, with a two-cheek kiss.(Wow, I thought everyone did this. Apparently not..but yes.Two-cheek kiss, always. Even to the people you're meeting for the first time. Shake hands? Bah, so impersonal.)
You know at least one person who used to work for Nortel. (My grandpa!)
You're not impressed with hardwood floors. (They are motherfucking COLD in the morning, letmetellyou.)
You've been hearing Celine Dion jokes longer than anyone else.
You cringe when Bob Cole pronounces French hockey player names.(My personal favourite has always been "Patrick WAAAH". It's roy, damnit. Rrrrr-ouah)
You get Bowser & Blue.(My mom loves them)
You were drinking cafe-au-lait before it was latte.
You order fries 'with sauce', not 'with gravy'.(...or you just order a frites sauce.)
Shopper's Drug Mart is Pharmaprix and Staples is Bureau en Gros, and PFK is finger lickin' good.(YES!)
You really believe Just For Laughs is an international festival.
For two weeks a year, you are a jazz afficianado.(OMFG MONTREAL JAZZ FEST. Best. thing. ever.)
You need to be reminded by prominent signage that you should wait for the green light.(Especially the pedestrians. We just walk, and hope that nothing's there.)
Everyone on the street - drivers, pedestrians, and cyclists - think they're immortal, and that you'll move first.(So true. Pedestrians walk whenever they want, and traffic lights are merely a suggestion for cars.)
You're proud that Montreal is the home of Pierre Trudeau, Mordechai Richler, William Shatner, Leonard Cohen and the Great Antonio...and, you consider Donald Sutherland (and by default, Keifer), Guy Lafleur, Charlie Biddle, and Roch Carrier Montrealers, too.
You know that Rocket Richard had nothing to do with astrophysics.(I was just talking to someone the other day about this, and the month-long riot that took place after his suspension from the play offs. that's right folks--you start wars on terrorism. We light cars on fire and throw bricks into store windows downtown because our favourite hockey player was unfairly suspended for two playoff games.)
You've seen Brother Andre's heart.
No matter how bilingual you are, you still don't understand "ile aux tourtes."(Seriously. WTF?!)
You know the difference between the SQ, the SAQ, and the SAAQ.(Police, alcohol store, and licence administration. Respectively.)
You measure temperature and distance in metric, but weight and height in Imperial measure.(I know, we're wierd. But that fahrenhiet thing is fucked up.)
April Wine once played your high school (alternatively, Sass Jordon or Gowan).
You know that Montreal is responsible for introducing the following to North America: bagels, souvlaki, smoked meat and Supertramp. Also, Chris de Burgh.(You should thank us.)
You don't drink pop or soda, you drink soft drinks.
You have graduated from high school and have a degree, but you've never been in grade 12.(Ha, so true. Our school system is so fucked.)
The margarine in your fridge is the same colour as lard.
Every once in a while, you wonder whatever happened to Luba.
You never thought that Corey Hart was cool, but you know someone whose cousin or something dated him.
There has to be at least 30cm of snow on the ground in less than 24 hours for you to consider it too snowy to drive.(And somehow, people will STILL drive as if there was nothing on the road that is capable of impairing their driving. Cue in the immortal train of thought.)
You remember where you were during the Ice Storm. (In my bed, looking out the window, going "There is no way in HELL I am going to school today..." And I didn't. School was out for two weeks :-))
You used to be an Expos fan, but now all you really miss is Youppi.
You're a Habs fan; always was, always will be...(Regardless of how much we suck now.)
You know that your city's reputation for beautiful women is based on centuries-old couplings between French soldiers and royally-commissioned whores (aka Les Filles du Roi).(Oh, the pride...)
You don't understand anyone from Lac-St-Jean, but you can fake the accent.(They might as well be talking chinese. Stupid slurred french. PRONOUNCE goddamnit.)
You've been to the Tam Tams, and know they have nothing to do with wee Scottish hats.(It's OVER now! But I loved Tam tams...mmm, percussion)
You discuss potholes like most people discuss weather.(The potholes are the size of your car.)
You encounter bilingual homeless people.
While watching an American made-for-TV movie, you realize that "Vienna" is actually Old Montreal, that "New York" is actually downtown and that the "The Futuristic City" is actually Habitat '67.(Ha, ohhhh Habitat '67...)
You find it amusing when people from outside Quebec compliment you on how good your English is.(My particular favourite is always in America. "Oh, she doesn't understand english...")
You don't find American comedians speaking "gibberish" French even remotely funny.
You don't find it weird that there's a strip club on every corner downtown.(On every CORNER?! we have an entire STREET dedicated solely to strip clubs.)
You like your pizza all-dressed(Who doesn't?)
Cosmos for breakfast on sundays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You hate Montréal Italians! But realize St Leonard Italians are worse than LaSalle Italians.(They are. They really are.)
You know that all Leafs fans have herpes.(Well they do.)
Oh, good for a laugh.
You pronounce it "Muntreal", not "Mahntreal". (You foreigners just don't get it. Particularly Isaac. "Hi we are in MAAAAAAAAntreal"..guh.)
You have ever said anything like "I have to stop at the guichet before we get to the dep."(Mmm, depanneurs.)
You can watch soft-core porn on broadcast TV, and this has been true for at least 25 years.
You show up at a party at 11 p.m. and no one else is there yet.(Happens every time. The clubs don't get packed until at least 1 AM)
You have yet to understand a single announcement made on the Metro PA system, no matter what the language.(Seriously. All I hear is the dreaded "doo doo doo...Attention" and it's all right to hell from there.)
Your only concern about jaywalking is getting a ticket.(Especially downtown)
You understand and frequently use terms like 'unilingual,' 'anglophone,' 'francophone,' and 'allophone.'
You agree that Montreal drivers are crazy, but you're secretly proud of their nerves of steel. (Takes a special perosn to drive along St. Catheirne Street.)
You have to bring smoked meat from Schwartz's and bagels from St-Viateur if you're visiting anyone west of Cornwall.(And even if you're not. Because you get cravings. CRAVINGS)
You refer to Tremblant as "up North."
You know how to pronounce Pie IX. (Go on. Try it :-D )
You have an ancient auntie who still says "Saint Dennis."
You believe to the depth of your very being that Toronto has no soul - but your high school reunion is held in Toronto because most of your classmates live there now(Toronto is the DEVIL!).
You greet everyone, from lifelong bosom friends to some one you met once a few years ago, with a two-cheek kiss.(Wow, I thought everyone did this. Apparently not..but yes.Two-cheek kiss, always. Even to the people you're meeting for the first time. Shake hands? Bah, so impersonal.)
You know at least one person who used to work for Nortel. (My grandpa!)
You're not impressed with hardwood floors. (They are motherfucking COLD in the morning, letmetellyou.)
You've been hearing Celine Dion jokes longer than anyone else.
You cringe when Bob Cole pronounces French hockey player names.(My personal favourite has always been "Patrick WAAAH". It's roy, damnit. Rrrrr-ouah)
You get Bowser & Blue.(My mom loves them)
You were drinking cafe-au-lait before it was latte.
You order fries 'with sauce', not 'with gravy'.(...or you just order a frites sauce.)
Shopper's Drug Mart is Pharmaprix and Staples is Bureau en Gros, and PFK is finger lickin' good.(YES!)
You really believe Just For Laughs is an international festival.
For two weeks a year, you are a jazz afficianado.(OMFG MONTREAL JAZZ FEST. Best. thing. ever.)
You need to be reminded by prominent signage that you should wait for the green light.(Especially the pedestrians. We just walk, and hope that nothing's there.)
Everyone on the street - drivers, pedestrians, and cyclists - think they're immortal, and that you'll move first.(So true. Pedestrians walk whenever they want, and traffic lights are merely a suggestion for cars.)
You're proud that Montreal is the home of Pierre Trudeau, Mordechai Richler, William Shatner, Leonard Cohen and the Great Antonio...and, you consider Donald Sutherland (and by default, Keifer), Guy Lafleur, Charlie Biddle, and Roch Carrier Montrealers, too.
You know that Rocket Richard had nothing to do with astrophysics.(I was just talking to someone the other day about this, and the month-long riot that took place after his suspension from the play offs. that's right folks--you start wars on terrorism. We light cars on fire and throw bricks into store windows downtown because our favourite hockey player was unfairly suspended for two playoff games.)
You've seen Brother Andre's heart.
No matter how bilingual you are, you still don't understand "ile aux tourtes."(Seriously. WTF?!)
You know the difference between the SQ, the SAQ, and the SAAQ.(Police, alcohol store, and licence administration. Respectively.)
You measure temperature and distance in metric, but weight and height in Imperial measure.(I know, we're wierd. But that fahrenhiet thing is fucked up.)
April Wine once played your high school (alternatively, Sass Jordon or Gowan).
You know that Montreal is responsible for introducing the following to North America: bagels, souvlaki, smoked meat and Supertramp. Also, Chris de Burgh.(You should thank us.)
You don't drink pop or soda, you drink soft drinks.
You have graduated from high school and have a degree, but you've never been in grade 12.(Ha, so true. Our school system is so fucked.)
The margarine in your fridge is the same colour as lard.
Every once in a while, you wonder whatever happened to Luba.
You never thought that Corey Hart was cool, but you know someone whose cousin or something dated him.
There has to be at least 30cm of snow on the ground in less than 24 hours for you to consider it too snowy to drive.(And somehow, people will STILL drive as if there was nothing on the road that is capable of impairing their driving. Cue in the immortal train of thought.)
You remember where you were during the Ice Storm. (In my bed, looking out the window, going "There is no way in HELL I am going to school today..." And I didn't. School was out for two weeks :-))
You used to be an Expos fan, but now all you really miss is Youppi.
You're a Habs fan; always was, always will be...(Regardless of how much we suck now.)
You know that your city's reputation for beautiful women is based on centuries-old couplings between French soldiers and royally-commissioned whores (aka Les Filles du Roi).(Oh, the pride...)
You don't understand anyone from Lac-St-Jean, but you can fake the accent.(They might as well be talking chinese. Stupid slurred french. PRONOUNCE goddamnit.)
You've been to the Tam Tams, and know they have nothing to do with wee Scottish hats.(It's OVER now! But I loved Tam tams...mmm, percussion)
You discuss potholes like most people discuss weather.(The potholes are the size of your car.)
You encounter bilingual homeless people.
While watching an American made-for-TV movie, you realize that "Vienna" is actually Old Montreal, that "New York" is actually downtown and that the "The Futuristic City" is actually Habitat '67.(Ha, ohhhh Habitat '67...)
You find it amusing when people from outside Quebec compliment you on how good your English is.(My particular favourite is always in America. "Oh, she doesn't understand english...")
You don't find American comedians speaking "gibberish" French even remotely funny.
You don't find it weird that there's a strip club on every corner downtown.(On every CORNER?! we have an entire STREET dedicated solely to strip clubs.)
You like your pizza all-dressed(Who doesn't?)
Cosmos for breakfast on sundays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You hate Montréal Italians! But realize St Leonard Italians are worse than LaSalle Italians.(They are. They really are.)
You know that all Leafs fans have herpes.(Well they do.)
Oh, good for a laugh.