SUCK MY FJORD !!!!!!!!!! FECALOVE + MUTANT APE NORWAY TOUR REPORT
I just came back from this lovely trip..here's my report for you fellow internet nerds ....
In total Turgid Animal style , with months of careful planning me and George managed to get two gigs in Norway . In November . With around 16 hours of train trips involved . You can really see genius at work here !
I'll try to recall as many interesting things as i can ...
So first thing George had to endure a 10-something hours bus ride to London , from where his flight was taking off . I had to spend a day and a night in Milan (about 4 hours away from home) because of the usual italian train strike . Also i checked in at a pretty expensive hotel cause i'm retarded and i had diarrhea .
Up for an amazing start !
I met George at Oslo central train station at about 7 pm on the 10th of November .. he was there since 7am ! We just had time to eat the typical Norway dish ( hamburger & fries ) , drink the typical viking brew (alcoholfree beer ?) and hop on a train to Bergen.
A train from the 1930s i think , but good enough for the Turgid Crew . Trip was really fucking long , about 7/8 hours .. we did manage to sleep in terrible positions and this time i couldn't really appreciate the nordic landscapes (of which i'll talk later) .
We arrived at Bergen tiny train station in a pretty confused state , with the address of our (BOOKED AND PAID FOR!!!) hotel . After a little walk in the station surroundings , we found that Grand Hotel Terminus layed just besides it , and that it was a fucking high class hotel !
Turns out it was built in 1928 or something and , most of all , that the two rooms they gave us were pretty much bigger than my apartment (and nicer anyway) . Viking luxury !
We collapsed there until noon when we met our hosts Sindre (of Utarm) and Joiyf . We went for a little lunch and some drinking at Landmark , the bar we were supposed to play in .
A pretty nice place , part of some art gallery structure or something .
We ventured out to buy more beers at a store , and i first learnt of the very annoying drinking restrictions in Norway . Shops start selling booze at 10 am (??) and stop at 8 pm (!!!) .
Also you can't drink in the street ! At Landmark , they asked us not to drink our new fresh beers inside the bar .. so we just did it backstage .
Around 20 people came i think .
Shows that night went on pretty smoothly , starting with some impro trio from Australia ( Pateras/Baxter/Brown ) - piano , drums and another instrument i frankly don't remember . It wasn't bad at all , sounding quite frenetic . Then it was Joiyf's turn , a nice harsh noise set with some quiet moments . Mutant Ape delivered a very static set based on tape loops .. with the help of a backing video from the amazing Rough Sex Quartet performance in November 2007 , Blyth (which is still the best performance i ever had the misfortune of attending ) ..
My set was the usual masturbation + harsh noise with the addition of a lovely loop video ( a dog licking a japanese girl's asshole ) . It was nice to caress viking beards for the first time and making a girl run away .
I remember the barmaid being apparently very angry at my video projection , i'm really sorry for that ! She still mixed cocktails for me so maybe she wasn't that angry..
also there was an italian guy that told me he's making a living from playing black metal there ?? We're fucking everywhere .
I think we just kept on drinking all night , maybe we ate some horrible kabab as usual .. anyway it was nice to finish a gig and go back to a luxurious comfy hotel room for once ! Thanks again to the Landmark crew , Sindre and to the Royal Family of Norway for providing us with such comfort .
We spent the following day wasting time around Bergen , buying black metal records , checking quite disappointing sex shops , learning about BLACKPACKERS
( black metal tourists !!! ) , drinking booze and what they call hot chocolate in the north pole (basically hot milk with a drop of cacao ) . Joyif left for Oslo in the early afternoon .
Time for another 8 hours train trip back to Oslo !! . YAY ! As we left our luggage at the hotel several hours before , we were suprised they just let us in the storage room without asking us any id , room number or whatever . These Norge people really trust folks !
This train was slightly better than the first one , especially cause there were less people.. i manage to appreciate the breathtaking panorama from the windows for some hours .
Laying down , drinking beer and looking at endless mountains and forests all covered in snow under the full moon light , sometimes sparkles of electricity from the cables... totally grim frostbitten unholy black metal impaled northern moonforest incarnate !
Actually it really , really touched me a lot . I found myself shredding tears of commotion , taking tons of pics and sending everybody back home text messages about how much it was amazing..eh sorry , i'm a very sensitive guy ! One of the most beautiful things i ever saw for sure .
I think i also spotted a little reindeer family somewhere ! CUTE !
We arrived in Oslo S around 7 am , and Joyif came to pick us up . We just went to waste time at his studio in the art academy (all-round artists here ! no fucking less !) and eating a bit . After some hours i leaft to meet a friend and start to explore Norway's capital . My new viking friend managed to do some good promotion at the akademi too , can't ask more !
Back to the studio i met Joyif and George again , with Martin/Skroder who just arrived from Copenhagen . In company of more beers and a bottle of Jameson whiskey !
Can't ask for more !
Also Martin was already ultra-pissed and a happy drunk at that , thus a very good touring / tourism companion !!!
For some hours it seemed like our show was canceled because of denied permits or whatever the fuck else , but after a few calls by Joyif everything was fixed .
For the rest of the day we were just hanging out at the apartment we were sleeping in (some friend of Joyif ) , drinking and eating pizza / chips . I think we also watched Lio , Serge/Charlotte Gainsbourg and Yelle videos . Just like home ?
Martin disappeared at some point , while Joyif , George and me kept on raising the alcohol rate in our blood .
We headed to the venue very late , in quite precarious conditions and with everything yet to set up. TA-style at work here once again !
The place was a famous hanging out place for Akademi students called Spasibar . Then it was shut down because of a particularly "effective" performance of some sort.. I still don't know if Joiyf just managed to have it opened for us or anything but still it was good ! A big white room , electricity , two speakers : all we fucking need ever !
It didn't take long until our first guests arrive , and they kept on showing up until they reached the quite good number of 20/30 ... Martin managed to get to the venue too, that was a good surprise !
Mutant Ape went on first , again with ultra static HNW and loops.. always funny to see people wearing earplugs ! Skroder promised a pop performance in his drunken babbling before and he kind of did , working his pretty big set-up to some very rhythmic noise with Joyif joining on guitar after a while . Joyif then delivered some good minimal harsh noise , with a friend of his screaming black metal painful Abruptum style over a background of broken feedback..really good ! Then it was my turn .. and i think it was one of the most funny gigs i ever did ! When i proceeded with my walking around/grin on my face/masturbation/caressing people gimmick (with the addition of kisses on cheeks! how cute is that ?) , some guys got quite angry/aggressive . One threatened to hit me , but he didn't except some little unconvinced jabs . I was just spreading love , dude !
After i was back to my equipement , another guy jumped on my back i think wanking with/on my hair or something ? Then he fucked up a bit with my pedals , and started screaming something in my microphone . Obviously i did let him work and also helped him out a bit , ending up with a really good screaming duet ! He then unplugged the battery of one of my pedals and walked away . Fucking brilliant !
I did one more "song" , a Bloodyminded cover ("Two Drops Of Blood" i think ) with a very lengthy intro.
Really really (unintentionally?) funny show.
Maskinanlegg showed up ( we're doing a harsh fagnoise split album soon , look out for it ! ), it was nice to meet him . Also Lasse Marhaug was there , but he arrived too late for the gig i think . My viking friend and her pals got quite scared / disgusted / disappointed . Yay ! She told me she had to look at cute images at home so she wouldn't have nightmares ^_^ .
We kept drinking all night , i think somebody pissed on the floor at the apartment ? Anyway if i can't remember it , i suppose it was fun !
Next morning George left because of his honourable obligation to Sheffield United . I had to leave at 5 am for the airport so I had more time to hang around at black metal stores , surprisingly good sex shops and (surprise) for drinking . There was a concert at the art akademi bar so we went there to further our imbibing . I stayed up drinking at another bar afterwards with but i really can't remember much besides a quite ugly girl rubbing my cock , fixing a random guy from Napoli (!) with a place on our floor for the night and crying again while mentioning polar landscapes ? Ah well , anyway next thing i know is that i was at the airport waiting for my flight at 6 am or something . A drunk always finds his way ! To somewhere .
After some hours i was eating fish and drinking white wine in Viareggio, Italy with my brothers , but that's another story .
Overall really good and fun little tour/vacation , it's always nice wasting time with likeminded folks , learning about new places and just being plain fucking stupid . Thanks Norway , i hope to come back soon for some more blasphemous satanic worship battle cock and roll !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. : Fuck christian health-nazi prohibition , you are fucking VIKINGS ! You're supposed to drink beer in Valhalla with Odin , not stop furnishing booze at fucking 8 pm.. nor producing the blasphemous thing that is ALCOHOLFREE WINE . Arise Norge Boozing Pride !
In total Turgid Animal style , with months of careful planning me and George managed to get two gigs in Norway . In November . With around 16 hours of train trips involved . You can really see genius at work here !
I'll try to recall as many interesting things as i can ...
So first thing George had to endure a 10-something hours bus ride to London , from where his flight was taking off . I had to spend a day and a night in Milan (about 4 hours away from home) because of the usual italian train strike . Also i checked in at a pretty expensive hotel cause i'm retarded and i had diarrhea .
Up for an amazing start !
I met George at Oslo central train station at about 7 pm on the 10th of November .. he was there since 7am ! We just had time to eat the typical Norway dish ( hamburger & fries ) , drink the typical viking brew (alcoholfree beer ?) and hop on a train to Bergen.
A train from the 1930s i think , but good enough for the Turgid Crew . Trip was really fucking long , about 7/8 hours .. we did manage to sleep in terrible positions and this time i couldn't really appreciate the nordic landscapes (of which i'll talk later) .
We arrived at Bergen tiny train station in a pretty confused state , with the address of our (BOOKED AND PAID FOR!!!) hotel . After a little walk in the station surroundings , we found that Grand Hotel Terminus layed just besides it , and that it was a fucking high class hotel !
Turns out it was built in 1928 or something and , most of all , that the two rooms they gave us were pretty much bigger than my apartment (and nicer anyway) . Viking luxury !
We collapsed there until noon when we met our hosts Sindre (of Utarm) and Joiyf . We went for a little lunch and some drinking at Landmark , the bar we were supposed to play in .
A pretty nice place , part of some art gallery structure or something .
We ventured out to buy more beers at a store , and i first learnt of the very annoying drinking restrictions in Norway . Shops start selling booze at 10 am (??) and stop at 8 pm (!!!) .
Also you can't drink in the street ! At Landmark , they asked us not to drink our new fresh beers inside the bar .. so we just did it backstage .
Around 20 people came i think .
Shows that night went on pretty smoothly , starting with some impro trio from Australia ( Pateras/Baxter/Brown ) - piano , drums and another instrument i frankly don't remember . It wasn't bad at all , sounding quite frenetic . Then it was Joiyf's turn , a nice harsh noise set with some quiet moments . Mutant Ape delivered a very static set based on tape loops .. with the help of a backing video from the amazing Rough Sex Quartet performance in November 2007 , Blyth (which is still the best performance i ever had the misfortune of attending ) ..
My set was the usual masturbation + harsh noise with the addition of a lovely loop video ( a dog licking a japanese girl's asshole ) . It was nice to caress viking beards for the first time and making a girl run away .
I remember the barmaid being apparently very angry at my video projection , i'm really sorry for that ! She still mixed cocktails for me so maybe she wasn't that angry..
also there was an italian guy that told me he's making a living from playing black metal there ?? We're fucking everywhere .
I think we just kept on drinking all night , maybe we ate some horrible kabab as usual .. anyway it was nice to finish a gig and go back to a luxurious comfy hotel room for once ! Thanks again to the Landmark crew , Sindre and to the Royal Family of Norway for providing us with such comfort .
We spent the following day wasting time around Bergen , buying black metal records , checking quite disappointing sex shops , learning about BLACKPACKERS
( black metal tourists !!! ) , drinking booze and what they call hot chocolate in the north pole (basically hot milk with a drop of cacao ) . Joyif left for Oslo in the early afternoon .
Time for another 8 hours train trip back to Oslo !! . YAY ! As we left our luggage at the hotel several hours before , we were suprised they just let us in the storage room without asking us any id , room number or whatever . These Norge people really trust folks !
This train was slightly better than the first one , especially cause there were less people.. i manage to appreciate the breathtaking panorama from the windows for some hours .
Laying down , drinking beer and looking at endless mountains and forests all covered in snow under the full moon light , sometimes sparkles of electricity from the cables... totally grim frostbitten unholy black metal impaled northern moonforest incarnate !
Actually it really , really touched me a lot . I found myself shredding tears of commotion , taking tons of pics and sending everybody back home text messages about how much it was amazing..eh sorry , i'm a very sensitive guy ! One of the most beautiful things i ever saw for sure .
I think i also spotted a little reindeer family somewhere ! CUTE !
We arrived in Oslo S around 7 am , and Joyif came to pick us up . We just went to waste time at his studio in the art academy (all-round artists here ! no fucking less !) and eating a bit . After some hours i leaft to meet a friend and start to explore Norway's capital . My new viking friend managed to do some good promotion at the akademi too , can't ask more !
Back to the studio i met Joyif and George again , with Martin/Skroder who just arrived from Copenhagen . In company of more beers and a bottle of Jameson whiskey !
Can't ask for more !
Also Martin was already ultra-pissed and a happy drunk at that , thus a very good touring / tourism companion !!!
For some hours it seemed like our show was canceled because of denied permits or whatever the fuck else , but after a few calls by Joyif everything was fixed .
For the rest of the day we were just hanging out at the apartment we were sleeping in (some friend of Joyif ) , drinking and eating pizza / chips . I think we also watched Lio , Serge/Charlotte Gainsbourg and Yelle videos . Just like home ?
Martin disappeared at some point , while Joyif , George and me kept on raising the alcohol rate in our blood .
We headed to the venue very late , in quite precarious conditions and with everything yet to set up. TA-style at work here once again !
The place was a famous hanging out place for Akademi students called Spasibar . Then it was shut down because of a particularly "effective" performance of some sort.. I still don't know if Joiyf just managed to have it opened for us or anything but still it was good ! A big white room , electricity , two speakers : all we fucking need ever !
It didn't take long until our first guests arrive , and they kept on showing up until they reached the quite good number of 20/30 ... Martin managed to get to the venue too, that was a good surprise !
Mutant Ape went on first , again with ultra static HNW and loops.. always funny to see people wearing earplugs ! Skroder promised a pop performance in his drunken babbling before and he kind of did , working his pretty big set-up to some very rhythmic noise with Joyif joining on guitar after a while . Joyif then delivered some good minimal harsh noise , with a friend of his screaming black metal painful Abruptum style over a background of broken feedback..really good ! Then it was my turn .. and i think it was one of the most funny gigs i ever did ! When i proceeded with my walking around/grin on my face/masturbation/caressing people gimmick (with the addition of kisses on cheeks! how cute is that ?) , some guys got quite angry/aggressive . One threatened to hit me , but he didn't except some little unconvinced jabs . I was just spreading love , dude !
After i was back to my equipement , another guy jumped on my back i think wanking with/on my hair or something ? Then he fucked up a bit with my pedals , and started screaming something in my microphone . Obviously i did let him work and also helped him out a bit , ending up with a really good screaming duet ! He then unplugged the battery of one of my pedals and walked away . Fucking brilliant !
I did one more "song" , a Bloodyminded cover ("Two Drops Of Blood" i think ) with a very lengthy intro.
Really really (unintentionally?) funny show.
Maskinanlegg showed up ( we're doing a harsh fagnoise split album soon , look out for it ! ), it was nice to meet him . Also Lasse Marhaug was there , but he arrived too late for the gig i think . My viking friend and her pals got quite scared / disgusted / disappointed . Yay ! She told me she had to look at cute images at home so she wouldn't have nightmares ^_^ .
We kept drinking all night , i think somebody pissed on the floor at the apartment ? Anyway if i can't remember it , i suppose it was fun !
Next morning George left because of his honourable obligation to Sheffield United . I had to leave at 5 am for the airport so I had more time to hang around at black metal stores , surprisingly good sex shops and (surprise) for drinking . There was a concert at the art akademi bar so we went there to further our imbibing . I stayed up drinking at another bar afterwards with but i really can't remember much besides a quite ugly girl rubbing my cock , fixing a random guy from Napoli (!) with a place on our floor for the night and crying again while mentioning polar landscapes ? Ah well , anyway next thing i know is that i was at the airport waiting for my flight at 6 am or something . A drunk always finds his way ! To somewhere .
After some hours i was eating fish and drinking white wine in Viareggio, Italy with my brothers , but that's another story .
Overall really good and fun little tour/vacation , it's always nice wasting time with likeminded folks , learning about new places and just being plain fucking stupid . Thanks Norway , i hope to come back soon for some more blasphemous satanic worship battle cock and roll !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. : Fuck christian health-nazi prohibition , you are fucking VIKINGS ! You're supposed to drink beer in Valhalla with Odin , not stop furnishing booze at fucking 8 pm.. nor producing the blasphemous thing that is ALCOHOLFREE WINE . Arise Norge Boozing Pride !