"betrayed by every star he ever knew..."
"This is addressed to all the people
who answered or may be thinking of answering the personal ad
I placed in volume 2, number 15 of this newspaper two weeks ago friday.
First: my appologies to the huge bartender with the voice
and the lighthearted dark-skinned advertising man.
If either of you had called me back,
I might not be writing this retraction of my ad
even though I will soon be too busy to date much,
but why didn't you call back???
But to the others...
which include the two terrifying sisters,
the under 18's and the over 60's,
the numerous ones who dialed my number
and hung up as soon as I said "hello",
the 35 or 40 of you who made dates with me and never showed up...
including the one who complained his body was so powerful he couldn't control it anymore,
the desperate wife-seekers, the already married,
the one was so one-sided that he could think of nothing but sex
and then had the gall to ask me
if his nationality was the reason I wouldn't sleep with him,
the many who couldn't get it up when I was agreeable
and the many who could and did when I was not,
the pleasant young foreigner
who turned out to be the property of his gigantic girlfriend,
the ones who were so grotesque in their appearence
that I couldn't possibly get by their faces to even consider a relationship with them,
especially sexual...
the sharks, the geeks, and the sadists,
the latter category which I had specifically stated I didn't want,
the ones who wanted endless dirty talk
the ones who wanted to be punished,
the ones who could only boast about the bank- rolls and/or their equipment,
and this definitely includes the teacher who said: "All the kids want my stuff",
the businessman had an adjective for every letter in his last name:
"R is for rich",
the ones and they were many who said:
"my name is so and so, how far do you go",
the 300 pound lady judge who screamed abuse at me,
the transvestite who wanted me to support him,
the numerous young studs who had nothing to offer
besides the negative result of their goddamn blood tests,
the diminutive actor and all the other short ones,
the astronomer who cried like a baby
and said he'd been betrayed by every star he ever knew,
the fanatic priest who wanted me to confess to things I'd never even dreamed of,
the worn out soldiers,
the burned out poets,
the pumped up jocks and
the used up kids,
the racists,
including the one at whose place I left my white sweater
and I'd rather cut off my right thumb go back for it...
the drunks, junkies crack and cokeheads,
the multitude of liars
and especially the nice ones who never called back!
To all of you I say:
JUST FORGET MY PHONE NUMBER.
I DON'T NEED ALL THE HASSLES.
I'll be starting school next month and I just don't want to be bothered.
Don't hold your breath, any of you.
Sincerely,
The underweight platinum blonde.
Have a nice day."
-- The Want Ad, Pandora's Box
who answered or may be thinking of answering the personal ad
I placed in volume 2, number 15 of this newspaper two weeks ago friday.
First: my appologies to the huge bartender with the voice
and the lighthearted dark-skinned advertising man.
If either of you had called me back,
I might not be writing this retraction of my ad
even though I will soon be too busy to date much,
but why didn't you call back???
But to the others...
which include the two terrifying sisters,
the under 18's and the over 60's,
the numerous ones who dialed my number
and hung up as soon as I said "hello",
the 35 or 40 of you who made dates with me and never showed up...
including the one who complained his body was so powerful he couldn't control it anymore,
the desperate wife-seekers, the already married,
the one was so one-sided that he could think of nothing but sex
and then had the gall to ask me
if his nationality was the reason I wouldn't sleep with him,
the many who couldn't get it up when I was agreeable
and the many who could and did when I was not,
the pleasant young foreigner
who turned out to be the property of his gigantic girlfriend,
the ones who were so grotesque in their appearence
that I couldn't possibly get by their faces to even consider a relationship with them,
especially sexual...
the sharks, the geeks, and the sadists,
the latter category which I had specifically stated I didn't want,
the ones who wanted endless dirty talk
the ones who wanted to be punished,
the ones who could only boast about the bank- rolls and/or their equipment,
and this definitely includes the teacher who said: "All the kids want my stuff",
the businessman had an adjective for every letter in his last name:
"R is for rich",
the ones and they were many who said:
"my name is so and so, how far do you go",
the 300 pound lady judge who screamed abuse at me,
the transvestite who wanted me to support him,
the numerous young studs who had nothing to offer
besides the negative result of their goddamn blood tests,
the diminutive actor and all the other short ones,
the astronomer who cried like a baby
and said he'd been betrayed by every star he ever knew,
the fanatic priest who wanted me to confess to things I'd never even dreamed of,
the worn out soldiers,
the burned out poets,
the pumped up jocks and
the used up kids,
the racists,
including the one at whose place I left my white sweater
and I'd rather cut off my right thumb go back for it...
the drunks, junkies crack and cokeheads,
the multitude of liars
and especially the nice ones who never called back!
To all of you I say:
JUST FORGET MY PHONE NUMBER.
I DON'T NEED ALL THE HASSLES.
I'll be starting school next month and I just don't want to be bothered.
Don't hold your breath, any of you.
Sincerely,
The underweight platinum blonde.
Have a nice day."
-- The Want Ad, Pandora's Box