post break-out angst (RP with tm_rogue)
Written with the delightful Tm_rogue!
When they left the prison, Erik realized he had no idea where they were.
The air was cold on his face, sharp. The lightweight prison jumpsuit was not a good barrier against the chill wind. It was disorienting, not knowing where he was. The land was flat, the shadows stretching out in an endless dark sea. After seeing walls for so long, Erik felt dizzy at the sight of so much vast openness.
"Where are we?"
"Leaving," Essex said tightly, looking towards Rachel. She was talking in a low voice to Anna. Anna. That she was alive, it gave Erik a wild thrill each time he looked at her. So much so that he was having a hard time looking away from her.
"I must know," Erik said, his voice tight. Sinister's soulless eyes stared at him for a long time, unblinking. He looked like a demon.
"Nevada. South of Carson City. Come along. I'm teleporting the two of you somewhere safe. An old base of mine, in Canada. It's remote but you'll need to be careful."
Erik nodded. He reached out and put a hand on Essex's shoulder. The other man tensed immediately. "Thank you," he said simply. "For your help. And for keeping an eye on Rogue."
"I did this for Rachel, Lehnsherr. Never think otherwise."
"Of course. I understand." Erik tried not to shiver in the cold. Essex went to speak to Rachel, and came back towards him. "I've told Anna where to go. Rachel and I have to leave. Magnus, if anyone ever hears a word that the two of us were here, I will find a way to make you pay. I promise."
Erik met Sinister's blank red stare. He nodded. "You have my word." Erik held his hand out, and despite his exhaustion his hand--nor his gaze--did not waver.
Essex paused, then shook his hand. The man's skin was cold as ice. "I'm sure Rachel will be in touch."
With that, Anna put her hand on his arm. He looked down at her small, gloved hand on his arm and felt the strangeness of teleportation, like the world was tilting and he was being turned inside-out.
When they materialized, they were in the woods. Canada, as Sinister had said. Nevada, the prison. Essex and Rachel. They were very far away.
Erik looked at Rogue. He had many things he wanted to say. "I need to sleep," he said simply, and she nodded.
Those things could wait.
* * *
Several days later, he was still having trouble sleeping.
It was three in the morning, trembling on the edge of dawn, and Erik paced the length and breadth of the bedroom. Sinister's former lab was well-appointed, comfortable. He'd obviously had things re-arranged for Erik and Anna. There was no sign of lab equipment. Just a bedroom and a living space, a kitchen, and a small office. A piano, which seemed incongruous, but Rogue told him that Sinister was fond of playing it. It seemed strange to think of Sinister doing so.
It was not a prison, not in the slightest. But Erik, he felt like it was. He couldn't sleep without dreaming about Anna, dead and broken, Rachel's intervention in the complex having come a second too late. He had dreams about Pyro, too. Dark eyed and solemn, having some excuse that made sense for why he'd betrayed them. Erik couldn't think past his rage, but he knew the boy's betrayal was not something that would be explained away. He had done it, in truth. Erik had trusted him, and Pyro had betrayed him.
He had warm clothes, food that was not cold or tasteless. Anna--she was there, warm in the bed beside him. They had access to the Internet, television.
And he still felt like a prisoner, like a ghost.
Rogue peered at him, still half asleep and stretched which woke up the sleeping kitten nestled beside her. "Erik, come ta bed. Pacin' ain't doin' ya any good." Truly it was the lack of sleep that wasn't helping him. How was he supposed to recuperate if he didn't actually sleep?
"Lying in bed isn't doing me any good, either," Erik said, hands clasped behind his back. Part of him reveled in the relief at hearing her voice, drowsy from sleep and tinged with her slight Southern drawl. "I don't mean to keep you awake, but I'm afraid I keep doing it."
At this rate, neither of them would be sleeping. Erik pressed his fingers to his temples.
She sighed and sat up, petting the annoyed animal nudging at her side. "An' how is pacin' helpin' ya? Cause it doesn't seem ta be at all."
Rogue patted the side of the bed, his side. "Sit an' rest an' talk. Holdin' it all in ain't doin' ya any favors."
Erik stood, stiffly, resistant to doing what she'd said for reasons which even he knew were childish. Eventually, he gave up and went to sit beside her. He reached out, his fingers lightly touching her face. "I'm afraid that I'm going to wake up, and I'm going to see plastic walls. That you will be still be dead, and a figment of my imagination. That they've broken me, and driven me to madness, and--" he paused, closing his eyes, admitting what was, to him, the most shameful of all. "--And that I would rather be here, with you, even if it meant I was broken, than be whole and in that terrible place again."
She moved quickly and hugged him, holding on tight. "Ya ain't broken, Erik. Ya're really here an' not in that awful place anymore. They didn't get me." She didn't know what else to say, how to make him believe it all, so she held on. Hoped offering this kind of comfort was enough. "Ya ain't weak."
"I think, Anna, I think that I am. I couldn't--" he shook his head, relaxing into the warmth of her touch, trying to banish the dark thoughts from his mind. "The guard, that Rachel killed. The one that was going to shoot you." Erik had, actually, doubts about that. Fielding didn't seem like the type. Then again, Rogue was a wanted criminal, too. "Did I tell you that he looked like a Nazi? Blond, blue-eyed. They did it on purpose. I know they did."
"I know, sugah." She kissed his forehead and leaned back. "Just like tellin' ya I was dead. They tried ta break ya an' they didn't." Rogue brushed her hands against his face. "But right now you're lettin' them win."
"I know. I'm trying, Rogue. I am." He kissed her gently, which was one of the few physical gestures he was allowing himself. "I'm also thinking about Pyro. Why did he do it? Do you have any idea?" He moved her a little ways away from him, needing to think.
Rogue wasn't having any of that. She moved closer to him and sighed. "He did it ta make sure Doug Ramsey would be safe an' I'm pretty sure Freedom Force threatened him or somethin'. Don't have any proof but I'm guessin' they did."
She leaned against him, wrapping her arms around him. Rogue had missed being able to hold him. "We all do stupid things for the people we love."
Erik snorted. "True. And I sympathize with him, in a way. I know I would be infuriated if someone threatened you, or tried to use you against me. But, Rogue--he betrayed us. I can't stand to think what Toad suffered--again--in Weapon X. Toad, he--I know he and Pyro had their arguments, their scuffles. But Toad was fiercely loyal to him. As were you. As was I. And he betrayed us all into death and capture, for, what?" Erik shook his head. "I want you to promise you will never do that for me. Let them take me, I will take care of myself. But don't sell your brethren up the river to keep me safe. Promise me, Rogue."
"I ain't makin' promises I can't keep," she whispered, not able to look at him. He was always more important than the Brotherhood to her. When was he going to realize that?
"I suggest you learn to keep them. I read that news report, Rogue. They were right. Someone would have had metal, eventually. I would have gotten out. And your being there...it is the only reason why they're all not dead." He took her hands in his. "I wanted to kill them. Every one of them. And I would have, without a thought." Erik raised her hands and kissed them. He pressed her back on the bed. "Does that bother you?" he asked her, moving with her, his mouth at the side of her neck.
"I promised Logan no one would get hurt. No one needed ta die. Why does someone always have ta die?" Rogue moaned at his touch, pulling her hands away and touching his hair. "I'm sick of death."
"You told Wolverine?" Erik kissed her neck, lying so that he was braced above her with his forearms holding his weight from her body. Her skin was cool and tasted faintly of something indefinably female. "I'm afraid that doesn't change my desire to have them all dead at my feet." He was not sure what he was doing. Oh, he wanted her--he had always wanted her--but his words were at considerable odds with his gentle touch. Erik's hand slipped beneath her shirt, touching her stomach. "If that had been you, in there, they would have all died. Every last one of them."
"Are ya mad at me cause I didn't kill them all for ya?" She pressed up into his touch and dropped her hands. "I don't wanna kill, Erik."
"Mad? At you?" Erik pulled back, looking down at her. "No. Of course not. You saved me from prison, Rogue. Anna." He leaned down and kissed her, but then he pulled away. It happened, like this, when he tried to touch her. He wanted the relief that would come from sex, he wanted to have her naked and panting beneath him. But something was wrong. He put his forehead against hers, frustrated. "You're with me. You've killed before. Would you have let that man shoot you? Shoot me? Rachel?"
"That's different," she protested, propping herself up on her elbows. "Its one thing ta protect those I love. Its another ta go out an'..." Bomb a Starbucks. She looked away, unable to finish the sentence aloud.
"Then why, my dear girl, did you join the Brotherhood? Was it for me?" Erik traced her jaw with his fingers. His voice sharpened. "And if you become angry with me over some lover's quarrel, will I find myself back in prison?"
She pulled away from him. "Is that how little ya think of me? That I could do that?" Rogue turned, brushing tears from her eyes. She didn't deserve this.
Erik stood up again, pacing. "I don't know," he said tightly. Erik could feel a storm of repressed emotions swirling inside of him; guilt, anger, relief, lust. Fear, if he were honest. The sense that it everything was slipping away from him, out of his control. "I believed Pyro. I trusted him. I thought of him like a son. And he betrayed me over, what? Some nineteen year old, some boy." Erik was breathing hard. "How am I supposed to believe you? How am I supposed to believe anyone, anymore?"
Rogue closed her eyes, crying softly. "I don't know."
Erik stared at her. He could feel the metal in the fortress around them. Sinister might have done that on purpose, but probably not. He drew on the feel of the metal, the way he could almost taste it, the way he could hear it like a symphony in his mind. "You said they didn't break me, but I don't know about that. I don't." Erik turned away from her. He couldn't stand to see her tears.
There was a reason he was always alone. Entanglements, they caused problems. And yet, he could not summon the strength of will to send Anna away. "I love you. It doesn't matter what you would do. That scares me. Do you understand, Anna? Do you understand that I might have--" Erik clenched his hands into fists. He made himself say it. "I might have done the same, for you. And what sort of leader does that make me, if my principles are so easily swayed?"
"I don't know." Rogue sniffled and wiped at her eyes. "It makes ya just like everyone else. It proves ya are still Erik an' not just Magneto." She pulled the covers up her body, suddenly chilled. "Please just come ta bed. If nothin' else just hold me."
Erik pressed his fingers to his temple, again. "All right." He went back to the bed, got in beside her. Anna had always insisted there was more to him than just Magneto. He had never believed her, not really. But now, now he had to. Because she was right. He drew her into his arms, and kissed her head gently. "It killed me to think you were dead. To stay sane, in that prison, I had to be Magneto. Who would mourn the loss of his soldier, mind, but it would not destroy him like it would Erik." He closed his eyes, listening to the quiet. "I can't remember who I am, anymore," he muttered, his eyes still closed.
She turned so that she was facing him and pressed her cheek against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. "Ya're Erik. Ya're the man I love. That's all that ever mattered ta me."
Erik didn't respond. He stroked her back quietly without speaking. He wanted to say that she was all that mattered to him. But Rogue didn't like lies, and she would know it wasn't true. But it was, maybe, more than he wanted it to be. He tried to breathe evenly, tried to find some solace in the darkness and her embrace. But there was none, and he would pass another night, sleepless, thinking of all the things he'd shut from his mind in prison.
When they left the prison, Erik realized he had no idea where they were.
The air was cold on his face, sharp. The lightweight prison jumpsuit was not a good barrier against the chill wind. It was disorienting, not knowing where he was. The land was flat, the shadows stretching out in an endless dark sea. After seeing walls for so long, Erik felt dizzy at the sight of so much vast openness.
"Where are we?"
"Leaving," Essex said tightly, looking towards Rachel. She was talking in a low voice to Anna. Anna. That she was alive, it gave Erik a wild thrill each time he looked at her. So much so that he was having a hard time looking away from her.
"I must know," Erik said, his voice tight. Sinister's soulless eyes stared at him for a long time, unblinking. He looked like a demon.
"Nevada. South of Carson City. Come along. I'm teleporting the two of you somewhere safe. An old base of mine, in Canada. It's remote but you'll need to be careful."
Erik nodded. He reached out and put a hand on Essex's shoulder. The other man tensed immediately. "Thank you," he said simply. "For your help. And for keeping an eye on Rogue."
"I did this for Rachel, Lehnsherr. Never think otherwise."
"Of course. I understand." Erik tried not to shiver in the cold. Essex went to speak to Rachel, and came back towards him. "I've told Anna where to go. Rachel and I have to leave. Magnus, if anyone ever hears a word that the two of us were here, I will find a way to make you pay. I promise."
Erik met Sinister's blank red stare. He nodded. "You have my word." Erik held his hand out, and despite his exhaustion his hand--nor his gaze--did not waver.
Essex paused, then shook his hand. The man's skin was cold as ice. "I'm sure Rachel will be in touch."
With that, Anna put her hand on his arm. He looked down at her small, gloved hand on his arm and felt the strangeness of teleportation, like the world was tilting and he was being turned inside-out.
When they materialized, they were in the woods. Canada, as Sinister had said. Nevada, the prison. Essex and Rachel. They were very far away.
Erik looked at Rogue. He had many things he wanted to say. "I need to sleep," he said simply, and she nodded.
Those things could wait.
* * *
Several days later, he was still having trouble sleeping.
It was three in the morning, trembling on the edge of dawn, and Erik paced the length and breadth of the bedroom. Sinister's former lab was well-appointed, comfortable. He'd obviously had things re-arranged for Erik and Anna. There was no sign of lab equipment. Just a bedroom and a living space, a kitchen, and a small office. A piano, which seemed incongruous, but Rogue told him that Sinister was fond of playing it. It seemed strange to think of Sinister doing so.
It was not a prison, not in the slightest. But Erik, he felt like it was. He couldn't sleep without dreaming about Anna, dead and broken, Rachel's intervention in the complex having come a second too late. He had dreams about Pyro, too. Dark eyed and solemn, having some excuse that made sense for why he'd betrayed them. Erik couldn't think past his rage, but he knew the boy's betrayal was not something that would be explained away. He had done it, in truth. Erik had trusted him, and Pyro had betrayed him.
He had warm clothes, food that was not cold or tasteless. Anna--she was there, warm in the bed beside him. They had access to the Internet, television.
And he still felt like a prisoner, like a ghost.
Rogue peered at him, still half asleep and stretched which woke up the sleeping kitten nestled beside her. "Erik, come ta bed. Pacin' ain't doin' ya any good." Truly it was the lack of sleep that wasn't helping him. How was he supposed to recuperate if he didn't actually sleep?
"Lying in bed isn't doing me any good, either," Erik said, hands clasped behind his back. Part of him reveled in the relief at hearing her voice, drowsy from sleep and tinged with her slight Southern drawl. "I don't mean to keep you awake, but I'm afraid I keep doing it."
At this rate, neither of them would be sleeping. Erik pressed his fingers to his temples.
She sighed and sat up, petting the annoyed animal nudging at her side. "An' how is pacin' helpin' ya? Cause it doesn't seem ta be at all."
Rogue patted the side of the bed, his side. "Sit an' rest an' talk. Holdin' it all in ain't doin' ya any favors."
Erik stood, stiffly, resistant to doing what she'd said for reasons which even he knew were childish. Eventually, he gave up and went to sit beside her. He reached out, his fingers lightly touching her face. "I'm afraid that I'm going to wake up, and I'm going to see plastic walls. That you will be still be dead, and a figment of my imagination. That they've broken me, and driven me to madness, and--" he paused, closing his eyes, admitting what was, to him, the most shameful of all. "--And that I would rather be here, with you, even if it meant I was broken, than be whole and in that terrible place again."
She moved quickly and hugged him, holding on tight. "Ya ain't broken, Erik. Ya're really here an' not in that awful place anymore. They didn't get me." She didn't know what else to say, how to make him believe it all, so she held on. Hoped offering this kind of comfort was enough. "Ya ain't weak."
"I think, Anna, I think that I am. I couldn't--" he shook his head, relaxing into the warmth of her touch, trying to banish the dark thoughts from his mind. "The guard, that Rachel killed. The one that was going to shoot you." Erik had, actually, doubts about that. Fielding didn't seem like the type. Then again, Rogue was a wanted criminal, too. "Did I tell you that he looked like a Nazi? Blond, blue-eyed. They did it on purpose. I know they did."
"I know, sugah." She kissed his forehead and leaned back. "Just like tellin' ya I was dead. They tried ta break ya an' they didn't." Rogue brushed her hands against his face. "But right now you're lettin' them win."
"I know. I'm trying, Rogue. I am." He kissed her gently, which was one of the few physical gestures he was allowing himself. "I'm also thinking about Pyro. Why did he do it? Do you have any idea?" He moved her a little ways away from him, needing to think.
Rogue wasn't having any of that. She moved closer to him and sighed. "He did it ta make sure Doug Ramsey would be safe an' I'm pretty sure Freedom Force threatened him or somethin'. Don't have any proof but I'm guessin' they did."
She leaned against him, wrapping her arms around him. Rogue had missed being able to hold him. "We all do stupid things for the people we love."
Erik snorted. "True. And I sympathize with him, in a way. I know I would be infuriated if someone threatened you, or tried to use you against me. But, Rogue--he betrayed us. I can't stand to think what Toad suffered--again--in Weapon X. Toad, he--I know he and Pyro had their arguments, their scuffles. But Toad was fiercely loyal to him. As were you. As was I. And he betrayed us all into death and capture, for, what?" Erik shook his head. "I want you to promise you will never do that for me. Let them take me, I will take care of myself. But don't sell your brethren up the river to keep me safe. Promise me, Rogue."
"I ain't makin' promises I can't keep," she whispered, not able to look at him. He was always more important than the Brotherhood to her. When was he going to realize that?
"I suggest you learn to keep them. I read that news report, Rogue. They were right. Someone would have had metal, eventually. I would have gotten out. And your being there...it is the only reason why they're all not dead." He took her hands in his. "I wanted to kill them. Every one of them. And I would have, without a thought." Erik raised her hands and kissed them. He pressed her back on the bed. "Does that bother you?" he asked her, moving with her, his mouth at the side of her neck.
"I promised Logan no one would get hurt. No one needed ta die. Why does someone always have ta die?" Rogue moaned at his touch, pulling her hands away and touching his hair. "I'm sick of death."
"You told Wolverine?" Erik kissed her neck, lying so that he was braced above her with his forearms holding his weight from her body. Her skin was cool and tasted faintly of something indefinably female. "I'm afraid that doesn't change my desire to have them all dead at my feet." He was not sure what he was doing. Oh, he wanted her--he had always wanted her--but his words were at considerable odds with his gentle touch. Erik's hand slipped beneath her shirt, touching her stomach. "If that had been you, in there, they would have all died. Every last one of them."
"Are ya mad at me cause I didn't kill them all for ya?" She pressed up into his touch and dropped her hands. "I don't wanna kill, Erik."
"Mad? At you?" Erik pulled back, looking down at her. "No. Of course not. You saved me from prison, Rogue. Anna." He leaned down and kissed her, but then he pulled away. It happened, like this, when he tried to touch her. He wanted the relief that would come from sex, he wanted to have her naked and panting beneath him. But something was wrong. He put his forehead against hers, frustrated. "You're with me. You've killed before. Would you have let that man shoot you? Shoot me? Rachel?"
"That's different," she protested, propping herself up on her elbows. "Its one thing ta protect those I love. Its another ta go out an'..." Bomb a Starbucks. She looked away, unable to finish the sentence aloud.
"Then why, my dear girl, did you join the Brotherhood? Was it for me?" Erik traced her jaw with his fingers. His voice sharpened. "And if you become angry with me over some lover's quarrel, will I find myself back in prison?"
She pulled away from him. "Is that how little ya think of me? That I could do that?" Rogue turned, brushing tears from her eyes. She didn't deserve this.
Erik stood up again, pacing. "I don't know," he said tightly. Erik could feel a storm of repressed emotions swirling inside of him; guilt, anger, relief, lust. Fear, if he were honest. The sense that it everything was slipping away from him, out of his control. "I believed Pyro. I trusted him. I thought of him like a son. And he betrayed me over, what? Some nineteen year old, some boy." Erik was breathing hard. "How am I supposed to believe you? How am I supposed to believe anyone, anymore?"
Rogue closed her eyes, crying softly. "I don't know."
Erik stared at her. He could feel the metal in the fortress around them. Sinister might have done that on purpose, but probably not. He drew on the feel of the metal, the way he could almost taste it, the way he could hear it like a symphony in his mind. "You said they didn't break me, but I don't know about that. I don't." Erik turned away from her. He couldn't stand to see her tears.
There was a reason he was always alone. Entanglements, they caused problems. And yet, he could not summon the strength of will to send Anna away. "I love you. It doesn't matter what you would do. That scares me. Do you understand, Anna? Do you understand that I might have--" Erik clenched his hands into fists. He made himself say it. "I might have done the same, for you. And what sort of leader does that make me, if my principles are so easily swayed?"
"I don't know." Rogue sniffled and wiped at her eyes. "It makes ya just like everyone else. It proves ya are still Erik an' not just Magneto." She pulled the covers up her body, suddenly chilled. "Please just come ta bed. If nothin' else just hold me."
Erik pressed his fingers to his temple, again. "All right." He went back to the bed, got in beside her. Anna had always insisted there was more to him than just Magneto. He had never believed her, not really. But now, now he had to. Because she was right. He drew her into his arms, and kissed her head gently. "It killed me to think you were dead. To stay sane, in that prison, I had to be Magneto. Who would mourn the loss of his soldier, mind, but it would not destroy him like it would Erik." He closed his eyes, listening to the quiet. "I can't remember who I am, anymore," he muttered, his eyes still closed.
She turned so that she was facing him and pressed her cheek against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. "Ya're Erik. Ya're the man I love. That's all that ever mattered ta me."
Erik didn't respond. He stroked her back quietly without speaking. He wanted to say that she was all that mattered to him. But Rogue didn't like lies, and she would know it wasn't true. But it was, maybe, more than he wanted it to be. He tried to breathe evenly, tried to find some solace in the darkness and her embrace. But there was none, and he would pass another night, sleepless, thinking of all the things he'd shut from his mind in prison.