Fic: In the Beginning

[to_shiki]

Title In the Beginning
Author To-Shiki
Rating R
Pairing Steve/Gail, future Steve/Tony
Word Count 8,573
Beta

Comments

As you have it now...

[jazzypom]

There's a lot of text for the reader to get through - a fair bit of narrative and paraphrasing. As a result, your story reads as very distant, as if trying to look through a window smeared with mud and oil. Normally the rule of thumb re: narrative and dialogue is for every two paragraphs of narrative, you try to break it up with dialogue. For this bit of fic, we don't really get the characters speaking until *reads* after forty two sections of narrative. That is too long. Most readers tend to backspace within the first three paragraphs if they don't get a sense of characters or things happening.

Try and have more dialogue.

Re: As you have it now...

[to_shiki]

There will be more dialogue. I was trying to get the backstory for Cap, Bucky, and Tony out. That's why the dialogue was gradually added in. Although now that I look at it its almost like reading a textbook. Maybe I shouldn't do homework inbetween breaks in writing >_

Well ... you could have used dialogue

[jazzypom]

To get in some history and background? Like conversations between Steve and Tony, or Steve and Gail, or Steve and Bucky or even Steve and Fury? The thing is, unlike your tutors, your potential readers aren't obligated to click on, much less to battle through a blizzard of narrative in terms of reading your work, so you should try to make it a bit easier for them, at least?

Another thing, have you read The Ultimates trades or comics at all? Because you have the characters (when they manage to speak or act) exceedingly OOC to the point where - you might as well be writing original fiction and say that you're doing this as a bit of a prank, because on many levels, your plot doesn't make a lick of sense and I don't recognise the characters at all.

Re: Well ... you could have used dialogue

[to_shiki]

I'm curious about the Ultimates comment...This isn't Ultimates at all. This is all based off of another fic I wrote that's completely AU. With the changes I gave them yes it'll make them appear OOC to the canon.

[anonymous]

Just a quick note: It should read "Zurück an die Wand! Hände hinter den Kopf."
There's no good way to translate "get back" in this context because it would make the whole sentence less like an order and more like a request.

[to_shiki]

Thank you! I noticed it had pretty much directly translated it and figured something was off.

[miyavi_desu69]

This is a great fic even I, whose never read the ultimates, thinks that this is really good. I think that its good for the author to have alittle bit of background that way we get a sense of whats going on and its a great AU fic. Keep up the good work!

[to_shiki]

Thank you! I think for the next chapter I'm going to have to remember to put that it's not Ultimates, though >_

[miyavi_desu69]

yeah because I guess people can't read when it says AU on it.

[kitty11chan]

Oooh, fun.