Well...I guess I gave Joe my Decision.
Wow that stopped me dead in my tracks lol...but really to answer your question...I guess we can be.
I don't hate you. I forgive you for what you did/do although I no longer want ANY part of it whatsoever in any way...all the romantic bullshit I mean.
I really wanted to tell you everything all at once in an email but that's taking fucking forever to finish (IF it ever GETS finished) so I suppose that I will give you the decision here but may still later elaborate in a future email since there were still some things I wanted to say or whatever.
Anyway, my decision. At first Joe, I was dead set on ending EVERYTHING for many many reasons. And I still often think that that WOULD be the best option for us. However, recently it hit me that the way I had worded the response thus far...long thought process short...I wasn't truly ending EVERYTHING. Nor was there the sense of permanence to it that I originally wanted for it. That I felt we both needed. I also realized that so long as I am with my parents and family whom you still talk to and who will still tell you about me and all that...we can never end things completely. I also realized that although I think ending it all would've been for the best, I didn't COMPLETELY want to. It still killed me inside to think of never having you in my life again after 10 years of whatthefuckever we had. But at the same time...something snapped inside me this time. This is what? the FOURTH time I've been burned by you (Angel, Shannon, Mary Beth, Becca) I think that's it...I'm not even sure though. The FOURTH time of the same fucking cycle...in TEN YEARS!! Something just died in me after this last time and I'm done. Something snapped, went off, changed...whatever. We're not best friends anymore. Acquaintences, sure. Friends, maybe. Not best friends. Not close. Nothing that will lead back into our same old fucking bullshit. Cause I'm done. And if we become close as friends again I know where it will lead and NOTHING you could think of or say would convince me that it wouldn't.
Therefore, yeah we can talk. I don't harbor any hate or anything negative towards you, except extreme romantic distrutst, and hope the same applies for me. But things, we, everything...HAS changed. And I don't see that changing back again...probably ever. Also, I will be limiting the contact. No more deep, bond building conversations because my goal is to no longer to deepen the friendship and improve it but rather to maintain it I guess. To keep from losing it completely at this point and to see if that works out for us both and what we need. I guess that the best way to say it is that I will do everything I can to keep it on a superficial level. I still care for you as a friend but there's no way in hell I'm getting suckered in again, for any fucking reason(s) and so in a way...by keeping it at that level or no level at all, I am ending things between us. Part of us has died beyond what I feel could be repaired at this point. And you're just going to have to accept that, because if this resolution still gives me more headache, heartache, drama than it's worth...the next step WILL be to cut you completely out of my life. Period. I'll find a way to do it and I will if that is what MUST be done, but I wanted to try this first.
Hope that answered your question...and I have no clue when (if ever) the full email will be complete. And don't tell me not to worry about it because it's more so that I know that YOU know everything I have to say than for your benefit. Ericka
Oh and just to let people know...and myself in the future...I wrote that because I posted a myspace bulliten "ask me one ? and I'll answer truthfully" and his ? was "Are we on talking terms yet?" and thus my reply came forth.
It's wierd to have the resolution done for now...I still do want to finish the main email to explain EVERYTHING for my benefit and his...but at least I don't have the nagging GUILT anymore...he at least has my answer. It hurts in a way...not as bad as ending it all. But I still..I guess to describe it, after I sent it I still felt my heart sink. And it hurts. I know that it HAS changed things. It IS different now. And it DOES feel final. And after 10 years of supposedly a best friendship (it didn't always even feel that way but sometimes it did) it still hurts. Sigh. Anyway. When/If/Etc. I ever finish the email you know I'll post it here. Peace...Ericka
And now I will unblock the entries I've kept private for a bit. Sorry if they hurt anyone...but they're me. They're honest. They're how I felt and/or feel.
I don't hate you. I forgive you for what you did/do although I no longer want ANY part of it whatsoever in any way...all the romantic bullshit I mean.
I really wanted to tell you everything all at once in an email but that's taking fucking forever to finish (IF it ever GETS finished) so I suppose that I will give you the decision here but may still later elaborate in a future email since there were still some things I wanted to say or whatever.
Anyway, my decision. At first Joe, I was dead set on ending EVERYTHING for many many reasons. And I still often think that that WOULD be the best option for us. However, recently it hit me that the way I had worded the response thus far...long thought process short...I wasn't truly ending EVERYTHING. Nor was there the sense of permanence to it that I originally wanted for it. That I felt we both needed. I also realized that so long as I am with my parents and family whom you still talk to and who will still tell you about me and all that...we can never end things completely. I also realized that although I think ending it all would've been for the best, I didn't COMPLETELY want to. It still killed me inside to think of never having you in my life again after 10 years of whatthefuckever we had. But at the same time...something snapped inside me this time. This is what? the FOURTH time I've been burned by you (Angel, Shannon, Mary Beth, Becca) I think that's it...I'm not even sure though. The FOURTH time of the same fucking cycle...in TEN YEARS!! Something just died in me after this last time and I'm done. Something snapped, went off, changed...whatever. We're not best friends anymore. Acquaintences, sure. Friends, maybe. Not best friends. Not close. Nothing that will lead back into our same old fucking bullshit. Cause I'm done. And if we become close as friends again I know where it will lead and NOTHING you could think of or say would convince me that it wouldn't.
Therefore, yeah we can talk. I don't harbor any hate or anything negative towards you, except extreme romantic distrutst, and hope the same applies for me. But things, we, everything...HAS changed. And I don't see that changing back again...probably ever. Also, I will be limiting the contact. No more deep, bond building conversations because my goal is to no longer to deepen the friendship and improve it but rather to maintain it I guess. To keep from losing it completely at this point and to see if that works out for us both and what we need. I guess that the best way to say it is that I will do everything I can to keep it on a superficial level. I still care for you as a friend but there's no way in hell I'm getting suckered in again, for any fucking reason(s) and so in a way...by keeping it at that level or no level at all, I am ending things between us. Part of us has died beyond what I feel could be repaired at this point. And you're just going to have to accept that, because if this resolution still gives me more headache, heartache, drama than it's worth...the next step WILL be to cut you completely out of my life. Period. I'll find a way to do it and I will if that is what MUST be done, but I wanted to try this first.
Hope that answered your question...and I have no clue when (if ever) the full email will be complete. And don't tell me not to worry about it because it's more so that I know that YOU know everything I have to say than for your benefit. Ericka
Oh and just to let people know...and myself in the future...I wrote that because I posted a myspace bulliten "ask me one ? and I'll answer truthfully" and his ? was "Are we on talking terms yet?" and thus my reply came forth.
It's wierd to have the resolution done for now...I still do want to finish the main email to explain EVERYTHING for my benefit and his...but at least I don't have the nagging GUILT anymore...he at least has my answer. It hurts in a way...not as bad as ending it all. But I still..I guess to describe it, after I sent it I still felt my heart sink. And it hurts. I know that it HAS changed things. It IS different now. And it DOES feel final. And after 10 years of supposedly a best friendship (it didn't always even feel that way but sometimes it did) it still hurts. Sigh. Anyway. When/If/Etc. I ever finish the email you know I'll post it here. Peace...Ericka
And now I will unblock the entries I've kept private for a bit. Sorry if they hurt anyone...but they're me. They're honest. They're how I felt and/or feel.