[Shinee] Middlemen | #4.2
Middlemen
Chapter 4 // ~8000w // NC - 17; for swearing and sexual themes.
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Jonghyun is not worried about Taemin. What he and Taemin did behind closed doors was their business. But sometimes their screams and cries of pleasure spill from the spaces of the door. Now, it’s more of the house’s business. And in the house there was Jinki. And Jonghyun didn’t want Jinki to-to think, or to know about Taemin. That was as far as his mind was willing to explain to him as to why he was standing outside of Taemin’s door right now.
“Hey,” Taemin greets Jonghyun with a familiar smile just as he walks out of the bathroom in his room. He’s got a pair of boxers on while he continues to towel dry his hair, walking towards the bed where his clothes lie.
But Taemin doesn’t reach for the clothes. Instead he throws his damp towel on the perfectly dry set of clothes and presses himself onto Jonghyun.
“Miss me?” Taemin shoves his tongue in Jonghyun’s mouth the same time his fingers dig into the layers of Jonghyun’s hair.
Jonghyun’s hands automatically grip the slimness of Taemin’s waist, feeling his soft skin. Then he remembers why he was there in the first place. He gives Taemin a slight shove as he jerks his head away, tongue running over the remnants of lust Taemin left on his bottom lip.
“Taemin.” Jonghyun whispers.
But Taemin’s determined. And horny. And his eyes have never been darker. His hand cups Jonghyun completely and starts moving his palm in perfect circular motions with just the right amount of pressure.
“Do it to me again like last time.” Taemin makes it so that his lips are only an inch away from Jonghyun’s left ear. He feels the way Jonghyun’s hands are rough and moving up his back, pulling him closer if that were possible. “Remember? You made me come so hard I almost fainted…”
If Jonghyun was restraining himself it didn’t seem like it. He places a hand behind Taemin’s knee and pulls it high by his hip as he switches their positions, Taemin now pinned flat on the door. Jonghyun trails his kisses down the side of Taemin’s neck, Taemin’s hands holding on to Jonghyun’s neck as he pushes his name out of his lips-
A fist is pounding on Taemin’s door and it makes Jonghyun create a decent amount of distance in between them.
“Shit.” Taemin snaps as he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “Fuck off. Whoever you are.”
“Open up, delinquent. It’s urgent.” Jonghyun recognizes Minho’s voice and it makes him exhale as if he was holding his breath for ten minutes.
Taemin rolls his eyes in disbelief before turning the knob and leaving the door to be opened by Minho as he reaches for his shirt from the bed. Minho props both elbows up by the door frame, a smile on his face when he takes note of Jonghyun by the window. Kibum stood behind Minho wearing the same bored expression, like nothing surprised him anymore.
“What were you boys doing?” Minho teases in a sing song tone.
“Talking about how small your dick is.” Taemin replies with the exact same smile.
“Ha, mother fucking ha.”
Kibum pushes one of Minho’s arms off the frame as he makes his way in. “Are we gonna smoke up or what?”
“Hey, Jinki. Hey!” Minho calls out to Jinki making his way passed the other side of the hallway. “Come here-ow!”
Kibum throws his elbow on Minho’s stomach. “What are you doing?”
“I’m being nice. What are you doing?”
Jinki is already halfway down the hall, not allowing Kibum much time to reply.
He beams at Minho when he’s just a few feet away. Minho throws an arm around his stiff shoulders, pulling him in until he staggers in front of the door.
“What’s going on?”
“Kibum’s gonna roll up the longest joint you’ve ever seen in your life.”
“Probably the only joint he’s ever seen in his entire life.” Kibum mutters under his breath as he turns his back away from the door.
“You in, Jinki?”
“Joint? Is that-marijuana?” Jinki says through a series of blinks.
Minho pretends to consider his question seriously while Taemin stifles a laugh as he plops down on his bed, not bothering to put pants on. Minho pushes Jinki in, closing the door behind him as he takes a few steps in the room himself. “Yeah. Pretty much.”
Jinki stands right in front of Jonghyun. He realizes that this is the closest he’s ever been to the other boy without having him trying to run away since he’s been here.
“You in or what?” Kibum exhales as he takes a seat on the mahogany floor, crossing his legs over one another.
“Uhmm.” Jinki gives Jonghyun a look. And Jonghyun doesn’t know what to do. “I don’t, uhmm-“
“Great!” Minho places his arm back around Jinki’s shoulders as he leads the older to join Kibum on the ground, a half circle already formed. “Taemin?”
“Yeah. I’ll smoke.”
“What… don’t you smoke?” Kibum’s already placing the materials he needs on the floor before them: skins, grinder and a clear zip lock bag of marijuana.
“Just shut up and roll the fucking thing, butter fingers.” Taemin squeezes in between Minho and Jinki. Minho and Taemin push each other playfully for a bit, fighting over the spot until Minho surrenders and just allows Taemin to settle in between them. Taemin turns his attention to Jinki. “I’m Taemin.”
“Right. Yeah.” Jinki nods as Jonghyun keeps both eyes on them, taking the last spot between Kibum and Minho, directly across from Jinki.
“You know Kibum.” Minho gestures towards Kibum who was busy grinding the pieces of dried marijuana in between two round plastic plates that (to Jinki) looked like a yoyo. “Joint roller extraordinaire.”
“Among other things.” Kibum supplies, head still bent down as he continued with his work.
-
The first time Jinki takes a huff of the joint he felt like he was about to die. The only smoke that had ever entered his throat, seer through the walls of his esophagus and fill his lungs was the one from the fire he had caused when he was four. He remembered trying to resist the smokes’ entrance by coughing nonstop at the same time being careful not to get too close to the flames. And he figures that it was no different from where he was today, seated in a circle with four people who can only be described as dangerous, in a house he’s never felt completely at home in. He was playing with fire again.
Kibum and Taemin double over themselves from laughing when Jinki’s eyes start to tear from coughing too much. Minho’s patting him on the back, eyeing Jonghyun who was looking down at his nails.
“The first hit’s always the hardest.” Minho assures Jinki.
When Jinki’s coughs subside, he wipes at his eyes with his thumb and the back of his hands, stealing glances at Jonghyun who finally looks up at him. And there was something there: Jinki felt the connection as soon as they locked stares. A glint, a hint of a challenge that made Jinki try another huff, Minho cheering him on.
By the sixth round the joint’s length was no longer than Jinki’s thumb. Everything became funny. Which explains why they were all laughing like kindergarteners.
“So,” Jinki starts as he passes the remains of the joint to Kibum. “Why aren’t there any girl middlemen?”
“Girl middlemen.” Taemin repeats while clutching onto his stomach from laughing so hard he falls on his back. Jonghyun doesn’t find it necessarily as funny as Taemin does but the image of Taemin hitting his head on the floor makes him laugh out loud as well. Kibum, on the other hand, was locked in his own little world, blowing out smoke rings and watching them float up in the air with eyes almost completely crossed.
“Umma doesn’t trust girls.” Minho shrugs as he leans on his palms.
“Besides,” Kibum adds as he passes the joint to Jonghyun. “Middlewomen? That just sounds dirty.”
Kibum prepares a second stick and they start passing it around again. Jinki’s visions starts to become hazy, but it doesn’t stop him from taking another hit.
“D’you guys have matching tattoos or ‘nything like that? You know, to signify your bond and stuff?”
“No.” Taemin says with a laugh. “This isn’t Fight Club.”
“They didn’t have tattoos in Fight Club either.” Minho argues.
“Sure they did.”
“Which part?”
“I dunno.” Taemin says with a dismissive wave of his hand. “I didn’t see it.”
“W-Wha--?” Minho breathes out a laugh. “You are so pointless, Taemin.”
“We don’t need tattoos okay.” Kibum adds. “In terms of our bond,” A smile starts to curl on his lips. “Taemin’s pretty much got that covered. He’s bonded everyone here. With the exception of Umma.”
“Wha-I. Jinki and I never bonded-Did we bond?” Taemin flicks his head towards Jinki, a serious expression on his face that makes Kibum bite on his lower lip to keep himself from laughing.
“I don’t exactly know what you mean.” Jinki answers carefully.
Taemin looks back at Kibum. “Obviously, we haven’t. If we did he’d know what I meant. And that can always be arranged.”
“Just as well, Jinki.” Kibum pats Jinki on the knee. “Steer clear of this guy. He might just cut your-“
“Don’t bring that up.” Taemin interrupts as he glares at Kibum from beneath his lashes.
“That was some pretty fucked up shit, Taemin. I’ve seen some disturbing things in my life but that definitely takes the cake.”
“All the more reason to shut the fuck up about it.”
“What even made you-I just. Hey, wait a sec.” Kibum holds onto his forehead. “Wasn’t Tamayama your first client?”
It was as if the entire room had their attention on Taemin. Like his answer would be the only thing that would make the world start spinning again. “He-he was definitely my first.”
-
Kibum will never admit it, but ever since Taemin came into his life he’s finally learned how to love someone all the way to the tips of his fingers. Taemin made the nightmares go away, he made all the stars align. Taemin was much more than beautiful. When he smiled, to Kibum, he was a dream. A rare sight that he was lucky enough to witness with his own two eyes.
He never knew that the day Victoria said that Taemin was finally ready, that that would be the day he would lose in a game he never thought he was playing.
When Taemin came home from Japan after his first negotiation Kibum waited for him in his room. Because since Taemin left for Japan, Kibum started sleeping in Taemin’s bed, a petty attempt to search for Taemin’s warmth. Taemin slammed the door open, rendering Kibum out of his slumber and in the dark he saw Taemin stomping towards the bathroom, light spilling from the door when he flicked the switch on.
The shower ran and the water hit the bottom of the tub in mini drops and splashes. Kibum dropped his feet to the ground and slowly walked over to the light.
He found Taemin in one corner of the shower, skin almost as white as the tiles, his clothes being dampened by the water. Clinging to his legs, he drew them closer and closer to his chest as he buried his head on top of his knees, shoulders shaking, breath hitching.
Kibum crouched down, placing a tentative hand on one of his frail shoulders. Taemin looks up instantly, twisting away from Kibum’s grasp as he tried to stand up straight. His fingers scraped at the spaces between the tiles, shaking and wounded.
“Taemin.” Kibum’s heart was about to split in half at the sight of Taemin. When he tried to hold Taemin the younger boy shoved him away, fighting against him.
“Go away.” Taemin chokes the words out through his cries, tears disappearing with the water of the shower. “Get out! Don’t touch me!” Taemin shoves Kibum again when he didn’t make an effort to leave. Kibum tumbles back, hips meeting with the hardness of the cold floor. “Don’t look at me. Please.”
Taemin turned away, ashamed as he tried to fit his body between where the two walls of the shower meet, both palms splayed by the side of his head. His shirt is fully wet and sticking to his back and he’s shivering so much that Kibum couldn’t possibly leave him this way. His shoulder blades were sticking out and it was the first time that Kibum noticed how Taemin lost more weight than when he first found him.
Kibum stood up, parts of his own clothes wet when he made it to the door.
Just try not to fall apart, Taemin.
That was just the beginning of the end. They started arguing about everything. And Taemin started sleeping around. And it was becoming too much for Kibum’s heart to bear.
“Is this how it is now, Taemin?” Kibum’s barges in Taemin’s room, knowing that if he knocked first that the younger wouldn’t let him in.
It hurts a lot more than it should, really, when Taemin can’t even look him in the eye. “What.”
“I wanna know if this is what you really want. Do you wanna keep doing this? Should we just keep breaking each others’ hearts?”
Kibum could never forget the way Taemin’s lips curve into a smirk that makes him feel foolish enough to want to crawl into a hole. Because it isn’t the smile that he’s accustomed too. Not the smile that he fell in love with. “My heart doesn’t break.”
When Taemin makes his way across his room from his bed to the window, his shoulder bumps into Kibum, causing the older boy’s posture to falter slightly. With their backs facing each other, Kibum doesn’t see Taemin muffling his tears with one hand slapped over his mouth.
“It’s just me, then.” And when Kibum walks out he doesn’t see the way Taemin’s knees can’t hold him steady as he falls to the ground like a rag doll, lifeless.
And it never made sense for years. Until this day. This night. As they sat in a circle on the floor, joint forgotten, clipped between Minho’s fingers as they watch Kibum and Taemin stare at one another, understanding bulldozing into the barricades Kibum constructed to keep himself from seeing Taemin that way again.
Taemin excuses himself as he makes a grab for his pants on the bed. He walks out of the room, swaying a bit as a result of the drugs. Kibum stares at his wake for a few moments. It takes him a few more minutes and a kick from Jonghyun to finally come to his senses and run after Taemin, wherever he was.
Kibum finds Taemin in the backyard, standing by the pool with both hands on his waist.
“I’m not gonna apologize.” Taemin says without turning around to face Kibum, as if he already knew that Kibum was going to be there. Naturally this would have angered Kibum, the thought of Taemin having him exactly where he wanted him. But this feels right, somehow. Like for once, he was right where he was supposed to be.
“I know. I- Taemin. You should have said something.”
They don’t say anything for a little while. Kibum finally takes a few more steps, until he’s beside Taemin, staring at the blue tint of the water, chlorine filling their nostrils.
When Kibum casts a sideway glance at Taemin, his eyes rimmed with tears, it was as if the years that separated them never existed. Like it was just yesterday when he found Taemin, skinny and dancing in a raunchy club. It was as if he never went through the entire process of waiting, even though he had been wandering aimlessly for years. He’s had nights that were too cold, days that were too dark. But they all faded the moment Taemin finally looks up at him and a smile plays on his lips that matches him much better than the one he’s been flashing to clients.
This smile, Kibum knows. Because this smile was real. Real enough to mend his heart. And real enough to break it all over again.
Kibum doesn’t reach out to touch Taemin just yet, because he’s afraid that he might just run away. Kibum has seen enough of Taemin’s back.
Much to Kibum’s surprise, it’s Taemin who extends a hand forward, grazing the side of Kibum’s cheek with his knuckles. “The whole time he was touching me all I kept thinking about was that it should have been you.” Taemin says it with a hint of embarrassment. And it pinches Kibum’s heart because it’s just been so long.
Kibum is good with words. He’s got the gift of gab and looks to match. But none of that was helping him tonight. None of his attributes were keeping him from just staring at Taemin like an idiot. It doesn’t keep him from pulling Taemin close and saying the most precarious words that were sure to put him in trouble one way or another.
“I love you too.”
And he thought he would never admit it.
-
Jinki slips away from Minho as inconspicuously as he can, moving at a snail’s pace as he reaches the hall before dodging into his room and rummaging through his luggage. This was probably a bad idea; he should be worrying about much more important things. Like the fact that his first negotiation was today and not everyone thought it was going to go as smoothly as Jinki hopes. Later, he’ll have to be on the top of his game. But right now, he had to keep some of his worries in check.
Jonghyun is by his mirror, deciding on which pair of pants he should wear for tonight when a knock resonates from his door. He isn’t surprised to find Jinki on the other side. Or maybe he is, but he’s gotten really good at hiding his emotions. He stares blankly at Jinki through the tiny space of the door, not allowing much more for Jinki to pass through.
“Can I come in?”
“I’m busy.”
“I’ll only take a sec.” Jinki promises with a smile that still penetrates the center of Jonghyun’s chest. He goes against his better judgment and releases his hold on the door knob. Jinki lets himself in, hands behind his back.
Jonghyun walks to the end of his bed, leaning on the bed post with both arms across his chest. He takes a deep breath that exudes boredom, but it doesn’t faze Jinki one bit.
He reveals what he’s been concealing behind his back with one hand, a gift wrapped rectangular object with a card positioned beside a meticulously styled ribbon. Jonghyun wonders how Jinki had the time to get this done. And most importantly, what it was for.
“Happy birthday.” Jinki answers Jonghyun’s question even before he can ask it. “You know.” Jinki urges when Jonghyun replies with puzzlement. “Your-well, mine-but kind of like ours. Our birthday.” He shakes the present in his hand.
Jonghyun stays in his place without any intention of reaching out for it. “Throw it on the bed.”
Jinki’s eyes widen a bit, lips pushing together in a tight line. But he complies, placing it just by the edge of the mattress.
They stay silent for a bit. Jonghyun shakes his head at Jinki in question. “Is that it?”
Jinki opens his mouth a few times, no words, at least not appropriate ones, come to mind. Except for his one, honest reply. “Yes.”
“Okay. If you don’t mind.” Jonghyun nods towards the direction of the door, a clear indication for Jinki to leave.
Jinki doesn’t pry. He’s not a coward. He just didn’t want to come undone in front of Jonghyun. But as the coldness of the door knob meets his sweaty palm, memories of him and Jonghyun play in his head, much like broken records, playing out random scenes that no longer make sense anymore but makes him bleed irrationally on the inside.
He spins on his heel, turning back around to face Jonghyun who was already by the mirror again. He sees Jinki hesitating on the reflection of the mirror.
“What is it now, Jinki?”
“I just.” Jinki is off to a bad start, tripping over his already messed up thoughts. “I’ve waited. I am. I mean. I’m waiting. For you. Like I promised. And I just. I just wanted to know if I should stop.”
Jonghyun stares hard at Jinki’s reflection and he wonders if Jinki can see right through him. If he can see the way he’s still attached to Jinki somehow. It’s a scary thought. Being in love. And having only one person as your entire world. What’s scarier is having that person falter in front of you because you’re too afraid to love them back.
Because your love isn’t pure and it isn’t easy. And Jinki should never be pulled down because of it.
“I’m not sick of waiting.” Jinki is staring at his hands as they wring together tightly. “I’m never going to get sick of it. But I am tired. In fact, I’m exhausted, Jonghyun.”
Jonghyun takes deep breath before facing Jinki. “The minute I walked out of the orphanage. I. I’ve already forgotten about everything. You should’ve stopped waiting years ago. I’m sorry. For wasting your time.”
Jinki is drowning in a pool of his own pain. He’s frustrated at the fact that Jonghyun could only be sorry about that and not for crushing him to dust. But even if he did say that he was it wouldn’t change anything. He would still feel as low. At least, now he knows. He knows exactly where he stands. Whether he likes it or not isn’t what is important.
“I’m sorry too.” Jinki turns away, breaking into a run once he’s out of the room and in the hallway. But no matter how fast he runs Jonghyun’s words will always catch up to him and stab at his heart.
The moment Jinki is out of his room, Jonghyun wonders whether he did the right thing. He’s a crumb away from running after Jinki. But the right thing to do isn’t always the easiest. And judging by the way he couldn’t breathe, the way his heart is beating just because he was living but not necessarily alive, this was the most virtuous thing he’s ever done in his life.
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