i actually really like the last line. dont change that.
i think the subject IS a little too obvious. the poem works but you can make it be about MORE than just gymnastics. like you've got something there thats really good and really intruiging (did i spell that right?) but you're only just touching it, so the poem itself it comes across more like "this is a poem about gymnastics wheee!"
and i dont like the line "flip and stick" because its sort of the epitamy of the "this is a poem about gymnastics wheee!"
no i totally get it. like it could really go either way, if that "flip and stick" line wasnt there... otherwise, it could be like just another hard day or something you know?
this is the feedback i look for, not all that "OMG THIS IS GREATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!" though i totally love that too. :P
if i wanted the poem to be about the gymnastics i'd leave it. and that was sorta my purpose in writting it. like i sat down and said "i wanna write about Shawn's getting gold at beam."
but, this poem is totally double sided without the "flip and stick" line. my original intentions were to make it only kinda obvious. like, dont use names dates or whatever, but it turned out kinda like a poem about normal life.
so, yeah.
and i totally just looked up a picture of kerri walsh and you're right. her and pishock could be twins.
Comments 3
i think the subject IS a little too obvious. the poem works but you can make it be about MORE than just gymnastics. like you've got something there thats really good and really intruiging (did i spell that right?) but you're only just touching it, so the poem itself it comes across more like "this is a poem about gymnastics wheee!"
and i dont like the line "flip and stick" because its sort of the epitamy of the "this is a poem about gymnastics wheee!"
yeah, but good rough draft
haha im a bitch
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like it could really go either way, if that "flip and stick" line wasnt there... otherwise, it could be like just another hard day or something you know?
this is the feedback i look for, not all that "OMG THIS IS GREATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!" though i totally love that too. :P
Reply
if i wanted the poem to be about the gymnastics i'd leave it. and that was sorta my purpose in writting it. like i sat down and said "i wanna write about Shawn's getting gold at beam."
but, this poem is totally double sided without the "flip and stick" line. my original intentions were to make it only kinda obvious. like, dont use names dates or whatever, but it turned out kinda like a poem about normal life.
so, yeah.
and i totally just looked up a picture of kerri walsh and you're right. her and pishock could be twins.
Reply
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