Thank Goodness For the Elves
“Alright, Heechul, what do you want from them?” Hankyung immediately demanded once they had retired to their bedroom.
Heechul’s eyes widened in an impression of innocence that had not fooled Hankyung a few thousand years ago and most certainly did not fool him now. “Me? Want something? Don’t be silly.” Heechul pulled off his headdress and tossed it carelessly onto the floor. It landed with a loud clatter that had Hankyung wincing. “Let me guess. You’re still mad that I didn’t let you talk much to the Fellowship.”
“A little,” acknowledged Hankyung resentfully. “I really wanted to ask if they managed to salvage the wizard’s fireworks since they couldn’t save the old guy himself, but then you had to butt in and be all mystical and cryptic and hog the entire conversation.”
Pacing leisurely around the room, Heechul shot Hankyung an amused glance. “It’s not my fault they walked this way and were captivated by my beauty,” he reassured Hankyung patronizingly. “If they had just flown to Mordor or something, then they wouldn’t have been distracted by my esteemed presence, and you could’ve gotten your precious fireworks.”
“Yeah,” Hankyung smiled wistfully, reminiscing over bursts of colorful lights against the night sky. Then, he remembered his initial inquiry. “Wait a minute. You’re trying to distract me,” he accused, pointing a finger at Heechul.
Blinking, Heechul attempted and failed to look free of guilt. “No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are,” Hankyung insisted. “And you will tell me what you want from them.” Hankyung fixed Heechul with his sternest look until the latter gave up.
“Fine!” Heechul conceded, flinging his hands in the air. He leaned closer and lowered his voice conspiratorially. “I want what the midget carries.”
“The One Ring?” clarified Hankyung. For all he knew, Heechul could be talking about the dwarf’s axe. Heechul had a thing for…long weapons (occasionally, Hankyung thought that was why Heechul married him in the first place).
“Yes, the Magical Shrinking Trinket That Everyone Would Kill to Get Their Hands On,” Heechul confirmed, eyes gleaming wildly. “Want it. Of course I want it. Please, when do I not want it? All I do is want it.”
“You seemed perfectly fine with Nenya all this time,” Hankyung pointed out, letting down his hair. Unlike Heechul, he did not see the point in wearing poncy hair ornaments.
Heechul glanced down at the diamond-adorned ring around his middle finger (all the better to show it off and simultaneously offend his enemies with) and stroked it fondly. “Well, that was before I knew the Ring was within my grasp,” he explained as though it was the most obvious thing ever. “And now that it’s within stealing distance, I want it even more.”
A skeptical noise escaped from Hankyung’s mouth before he could stop himself. “And how exactly are you planning to obtain the Ring?”
“Glad you asked,” Heechul said cheerfully. “First, I’m going to walk by Frodo and seduce him into following me.”
He smirked, a vaguely creepier smirk than usual, and Hankyung realized that this must be Heechul’s ‘seduction’ face. He wisely chose not to comment, and instead busied himself with finger-combing his hair.
“And then, I’m going to lead him to the Mirror of Heechul--”
“The what?”
Heechul huffed impatiently, but repeated himself. “The Mirror of Heechul. You know, the shiny thing in the empty garden that looks like a birdbath?”
A small light flickered on in Hankyung’s mind. “That’s because it is a birdbath!” he exclaimed. “Since when did a birdbath become the Mirror of Heechul?”
Heechul shrugged, unfazed. “Since now. I’m going to make Frodo look into it.”
Shaking his head, Hankyung began undressing for bed. “Okay, so you get Frodo to follow you to the birdbath--”
“Mirror of Heechul,” corrected Heechul.
Hankyung bit back a few choice remarks that would surely end up with him sleeping on the floor. “The Mirror of Heechul,” he assented, “So you lure him there, and then what? There’s nothing to see except bird droppings.” Hankyung wrinkled his nose briefly in disgust. “You’re a smooth talker and all, but I fail to see how you’re going to convince him to hand over the Ring with an inspiring view of bird poop.”
“Ah!” Heechul held up a finger. “But he’s not going to be looking at bird poop. He’s going to see…” He thought for a while. “Actually, I don’t know what he’ll see,” Heechul admitted, “but he will definitely see something.”
Pausing in the middle of untying a knot, Hankyung tossed a suspicious look over his shoulder at his spouse. “And you are certain that he will see something.” A statement, not a question.
Heechul nodded smugly. “Yup. The hallucinogen I slipped into his drink will make sure of that.”
The knot dropped from Hankyung’s fingers, and he slowly turned around. “You slipped a hallucinogen into his drink,” he repeated flatly.
“It was just a couple of drops,” Heechul reasoned nonchalantly as though giving drugs to unwitting Ring-bearers was a common pastime. To him, it probably was. “Besides, that’s nothing compared to how much sleeping potion I put in everyone else’s drinks so that they won’t interrupt us.”
“And you poisoned the rest of the Fellowship as well,” groaned Hankyung, tilting his head upwards. “May the Valar protect us all. We are so doomed.”
“Please,” scoffed Heechul. “If they can’t deal with something as minor as that, then they don’t deserve to be the Fellowship. And they should be thanking me instead. They look like they haven’t slept in weeks.”
It was only when Hankyung did some deep breathing exercises that he was able to face Heechul again. “Putting aside the matter of you drugging the one group that could possibly save the world, what happens after Frodo hallucinates?”
“I take the Ring,” Heechul said simply.
There was a long silence. “That’s it?” Hankyung asked incredulously.
“Yup.” Heechul settled himself into the nearest chair with an incredibly satisfied aura about him. “I’m going to either hit him from behind with the water pitcher or smash his head against the edge of the birdba- er, Mirror of Heechul, and take it.” He made a snatching motion in the air. “Nothing to it.”
“Or you could just ask nicely,” Hankyung recommended.
The blank look that greeted him indicated that Heechul hadn’t even considered the option. “Ask…nicely?”
Resuming his undressing, Hankyung sighed. “Yes, Heechul. Ask nicely. You don’t have to go and murder the poor thing. I’m sure he’s suffered enough already without your help. Actually, he’ll probably give it up without you even asking.”
“I see,” mumbled Heechul, stroking his chin thoughtfully. “And I won’t have to get my hands dirty. Excellent!” He turned shining eyes towards Hankyung. “Oh, and I should prepare a speech for the occasion.”
Hankyung arched an eyebrow as he made his way over to the wardrobe to hang up his robes. “A speech,” he deadpanned.
“Is there an echo in here?” Heechul snickered, eyes trailing appreciatively up and down Hankyung’s body.
“You can make one up as you go along,” Hankyung proposed, steadfastly ignoring Heechul’s most blatant leering, pulling on a set of sleeping clothes. “You’re good at that.”
Flicking a leaf off the desk, Heechul sulked a bit once Hankyung was fully clothed again. “True. I’m good at everything,” he mused over Hankyung’s discreet snort. “But it usually sounds even better when I plan it out first. For example, I could start off with something like, oh, I don’t know, ‘In place of a Dark Lord…’” He trailed off, expression brightening. “Yes! Perfect!”
Heechul grabbed a pen, dipped it hastily into an inkwell, and began scribbling on the back of A Very Important Looking Document That Had Better Not Be What Hankyung Thought It Was Even Though It Probably Was.
“That very important looking document had better not be what I think it is even though it probably is,” warned Hankyung, striding over to their bed. Heechul paid him no heed.
“…you…would…have…a…queen,” Heechul articulated slowly, the tip of his tongue peeking out at the corner of his lips. He paused, and then scratched out the last word with a furious vengeance, nearly ripping a hole in the paper. “No, not queen,” he grumbled. He snapped his fingers at Hankyung. “Hey, give me another word besides ‘queen’ that captures my awesomeness.”
“How about ‘narcissist?’” Hankyung suggested pleasantly. “I think it suits you very well.” He received a pillow to the head as thanks for his illustrious contribution.
“A Star, perhaps. No, I can’t just be any star,” Heechul continued talking to himself. “Maybe a Big Star. Yeah, that’s better. Wait. A Space Big Star. Space Big Star Space Big Star Space Big Star. That’ll work!” Heechul happily made the adjustments.
Taking the pillow that Heechul had thrown at him, Hankyung fluffed it up nicely and placed it just so at the head of the bed, patting the middle firmly. In the meantime, Heechul proceeded with creating his speech.
“All shall love me, and despair…” Heechul rolled the words over his tongue, preening slightly.
“They’re going to despair all right,” Hankyung remarked wryly under his breath, jumping into bed and bouncing on the mattress a few times.
“And despair…because I’m so much better looking than them!” Heechul concluded triumphantly, graciously disregarding Hankyung. He finished writing with a flourish, dropping the pen into its stand and capping the inkwell ceremoniously. He leaned back to admire his work. “What a great piece of art,” he announced, proudly holding up the paper as to see it better. “I truly amaze myself sometimes.”
“Whatever. I’m going to sleep,” declared Hankyung, snuggling under his warm blankets. “Put out the candle when you leave, alright? And don’t forget your cloak- it gets cold at night.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Heechul dismissed. He swept out of the room with the paper in hand, robes billowing elegantly, without giving his cloak or the candle a second glance. Hankyung rolled his eyes. Typical Heechul.
Too comfortable and lazy to get out of bed, Hankyung extracted an arm from his blanket cocoon to grab a book, which he fanned vigorously in the candle’s direction until the flame died out. He laid the book back in place on the nightstand and drowsily waited for Heechul’s return.
Sure enough, Heechul charged back in moments later, teeth chattering and rubbing his arms while cursing up a storm. “It’s freezing out there,” he swore, making a beeline for his cloak. He snatched up the garment and dashed away, muttering something about needing the right angle of moonlight for the most dramatic effect.
“Told you so,” Hankyung mumbled sleepily, wiggling his toes contently and burrowing further underneath the covers. Within minutes, he was fast asleep.
Later that night, Heechul gleefully seized the One Ring that Frodo oh so foolishly offered to him freely, and used it to take over the world (while Hankyung casually reaped the benefits from the sidelines).
And Heechul lived happily ever after, to the end of his days.
Fortunately for the peoples of Middle-earth, ‘to the end of his days’ meant ‘to the end of the week when Heechul got bored of abusing the Ring’s power and gave it back to Frodo to destroy via catapult before spontaneously sailing off to Valinor with Hankyung.’
And then everyone lived happily ever after.
-The End-
A/N: ARAGORN IS THE HOTTEST THING EVER. *flails wildly* And congrats to Heenim on his awesome shooting skills. Why am I not surprised? XD Anyways, thanks for reading! ^.^