They're at it again.
Who: Temari and Shikamaru
Where: the apartment, the street
When: Sunday, November 11, 2007
Warnings: Swearing. Angst. Hormonal!Tema.
Open?: No, it's all done :D
Cats. Their argument, the thing that led to him getting kicked out tonight was because of fucking cats. Shikamaru couldn't understand, as much as he tried, why Temari thought he would actually be alright with allowing her to leave the house and roam the streets at ten pm, alone. He just wanted to come with her, make sure she was safe, or at least make sure he knew there was nothing to be worried about. And yeah, maybe his comment was a little too sexist, but fuck, he wanted to say anything to prevent her from going out the door. That would be a very stupid move on her part, especially since she planned on doing it alone. And he was that way when she met him. Although he had toned that chauvenistic crap down since then, or got better at hiding it, it still existed, and so it would come out every once in a while. Besides, he did feel like he should have a say in... well, anything. He was the man, and that stood for something. At least, he thought it did.
After receiving her last text message, Shikamaru snapped his cellphone shut, shoving it into his pocket. He thought it was a little cute she didn't wait a total of five minutes before texting him again, but he was still bothered. Bothered by the fact that he knew, when he got back, as nice as she had seemed over the text messages, that there would most definitely be an argument or fight of some sort. And he hated that for a few reasons. The first was Temari being pregnant. Of course, stress could cause a miscarriage, and he wanted to do anything to avoid losing that kid, as strange as it still seemed to him he was going to be a father, a husband, and soon. And the other fact was, well, because every time they got in an argument or something of the sort, he just wanted to go back to the bedroom and have rough sex. But no, Temari was pregnant, so he couldn't have fun like that anymore. Maybe it was childish to miss that, but if it ever came up, he'd just blame it on her.
It didn't take long to get back home, just a minute more than it took to leave; he didn't want to keep Temari waiting, but he figured all a minute could do was calm her down a little. Well, he hoped that was the case. With these hormones, he never knew what was what anymore, and he was annoyed with that concept.
Finally reaching the apartment, Shikamaru came in and closed the door, locking it, and threw his jacket on the floor, crossing his arms, and waited for Temari to either explode or turn into a hysterical mess of tears or... something. Honestly, he would prefer regular Temari, just slightly bitchy, not completely insane, but he was expecting the other possibilities, just to be prepared when it, whatever it was, happened.
Temari wasn’t going to cry, because she was still pissed off over that “I’m the man” bullcrap he’d tried to pull on her. But she wasn’t going to start wailing on him the second he came in the door. And in the time between when she sent her last message and the time she walked in the door, she paced back and forth uncomfortably in the living room. She didn’t mean to argue over such stupid things, but when he didn’t understand why they couldn’t afford to take care of ten cats at the moment, it was hard for her not to get pissed off. It seemed like he wasn’t really taking this whole family thing seriously. He was so much less interested in giving things up than she was.
Still, when she heard him come in, she swooped off towards the hall and immediately pulled him close, one hand firmly pressed between his shoulder blades, the other coming up to tangle in his hair. No matter what she did or said, she still loved him, and she knew that if she kept doing this sort of shit, one day, he was going to leave and never come back. Or at least she thought she knew. Because she trusted that he’d stay with her as it stood, but if she continued to grate on his nerves…things might change.
“Shika…I’m really sorry,” she said calmly once she’d let go of him a little.
"It's okay. I'm sorry too... Let's just go to bed or something." Avoiding her gaze, Shikamaru uncrossed his arms and gave Temari a light squeeze before pulling away. He was still regretting bossing her around like that, and even as he was saying that to her, he knew it would never work. But as it stood now, he just wanted to be able to avoid a conversation about it, because as hormonal as Temari was, and as upset as he had been lately, it just wouldn't mix well. He didn't want to raise his voice to her, he didn't want to upset her, and he didn't want to fuck things up anymore than he already had. Which was a lot.
Taking her by the hand, he tugged her arm slightly, attempting to lead her to the bedroom, hoping she didn't want to stay in here to talk or whatever she wanted to do. Because he didn't want either of them to be uncomfortable during.
“Yeah, okay,” Temari agreed, following along, “but we need to talk about this too, or else it’ll just keep happening, and we can’t keep doing this.”
She knew a lot of it was her fault, but part of it was his. They’re were pretty much equally to blame, but either way, they needed to figure out how to avoid this in the future. Because another seven and a half months of this wasn’t going to be any good for any of them. She wanted to get along with her husband, at least a little, or at least not force him to leave the house. She wanted to not keep pushing him away like she did, but she wasn’t ready to just become some subservient little housewife like he seemed to want.
Once reaching the bedroom, going inside, he let go of her hand, closed the door, and walked a few feet away, stripping his shirt off, taking a seat on the bed, and leaned forward, covering his face with his hands. Okay, so she wanted to talk about it. They were going to talk about it, and they were going to fucking argue. She was probably going to bring up how pissy he had been lately, but he couldn't tell her it was because he didn't get to have sex seven times a day like he wanted. He wasn't going to tell her he thought he was addicted to sex. No, then she really would think he was crazy, so he planned on blaming it on the shit she was already aware of, because the biggest part of his attitude was because of that Hidan bitch, anyway. So he wouldn't be lying... he just wouldn't be being completely honest.
Finally deciding to get this shit over with, Shikamaru uncovered his face and glanced at Temari. "Look, I didn't fucking mean it, and I'm sorry. I just don't seem to have any say in a damn thing you do. And you're carrying my kid, so that doesn't help when you decide to roam the streets alone at ten at night. You fucking... You tried to break our engagement off a day after it happened. That's not fucking normal, Temari. We're not normal. There's something fucking wrong with us." It was true that they could be insane, but they could also be so normal they seemed like an entirely different couple. It was almost like their entire relationship was bipolar, actually. They could go from being enraged and hating one-another to happy and very much blissfully in love in a matter of seconds. It was strange, yes, but for them, it was also a very constant, regular occurrence.
Changing into her pajamas, as he finished speaking, she came to sit on the bed with him. She could really see how much her moodiness was affecting him, how much it was hurting him, and she knew-whether he said it or not-that this had to do with a whole lot more than just Hidan. She knew exactly what it had to do with: lack of communication, or when they did communicate, poor portrayal of thoughts and ideas. And they were both equally guilty of this, although the degree to which he was, was a bit of a mystery to Temari, if only because she couldn’t read his mind and figure out what things he did and didn’t mean. And she liked to give him the benefit of the doubt, but knowing and thinking were two different things.
“Shhhh,” she hushed him, putting her arms around him and pulling him in close. “Don’t say things like that. It’s not productive at all.” Breathing in deeply, she let one hand come up to stroke his hair gently, rhythmically, just as one might an animal. Her voice was low and soft, enough to be heard, and firm yet not harsh like it might normally be. “You need to understand that I’m not used to taking orders from anyone but my father. So you tell me to do things, and I automatically want to rebel. Try asking me to do something instead of commanding it. It’ll get a better reaction,” she explained, trying her best to sound unaccusing. “And remember that it’s our child, and yeah, I’m pregnant, butI can have a life. And I’m not just talking about tonight either.”
She breathed in deeply again, letting it out slowly, shifting to kiss gently at his forehead. She really did love him more than anything, and wanted to be with him more than she could ever express. I was just hard to find a way for him to understand how things were for her, how unaccustomed she was to having someone actually love her like this.
“I know you’re stressed,” she continued, “and that we went from being able to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted, wherever we wanted, to having to stick to this one narrow path we’re on now, and that we have to settle down and can’t do a lot of what we want. It kills me too. But Shika…we have to try to deal with it. We don’t have any choice.”
"I know that. I'm not an idiot like everyone thinks. People keep telling me parenting is going to be fucking hard, like I don't fucking know it already." He pulled away, gently, trying to make sure it didn't offend her, and despite his curses, he didn't sound threatening at all. He didn't want to upset Temari, so he tried to keep his voice low, calm. "And I'm not trying to control you, I want you to be able to do the shit you want, Temari, but... I don't know, I fucking worry. Even if you weren't pregnant, I'd be against you going out at ten pm." Sighing, he looked away from her, hands rubbing together sightly. "I don't want to tell you what to do, but you're so Goddamn difficult, you say no to me about anything and everything, even when you know I'm right. When I fucking tell you caffeine isn't good for the kid, that's because it's true, not because I want you to give up tea." Scoffing, he stood and walked around the side of the bed, yanking the covers back. He could have said more, and maybe he wanted to, but for now he was just going to reply to whatever it was Temari said. He didn't want to make shit more complicated than it already was, and his complaining only ever seemed to mess things up between them.
Always the hot-tempered one, Temari felt a strong desire to throw something or punch something but refrained. He wasn’t listening to what she was saying. He was just off in his own little world, either refusing or unable to comprehend what she was trying to get across to him. And it was making her think some rather crazy thoughts, wondering if he could stay with his parents, perhaps, until the baby was born or just logical ways to keep him away from her so that they didn’t keep fighting like this all throughout the next several months. Because they either needed to resolve this or completely avoid it altogether, and if he wasn’t going to listen to what she was saying, there really wasn’t going to be any resolving it. And more and more she was thinking he really wasn’t ready for this. Of course he wasn’t ready. No one was ready to be a father at sixteen. She really wanted to believe him when he said he was, that he understood what kind of responsibility this was…but he was demonstrating otherwise.
“You’re not listening to me,” she finally replied, voice a bit harsher now, if only for the fact that she was really rather annoyed and trying to keep it in check. It wasn’t helping that he was getting all worked up, while she was trying to have a normal, civilized discussion. “You want me to do or not do certain things, fine, whatever, but you can’t command me around. You knew what kind of person I am going into this, and you know I don’t take well to kids bossing me around. All you have to do is ask. There’s a distinct difference, and if my sweetheart asks me nicely to do something, then yeah, I’m probably inclined to do it.”
"Fucking shit, no you wouldn't. I tell you to do it... in a suggesting manner and you react like I already said you're the woman, my bitch, and you have to do what I say, when I say it. All that... walking three feet behind me crap included." He muttered, walking over to be seated with her again. "Look, I don't want to fucking say that shit to you, Temari. I didn't then. I just feel like I have no fucking say in anything you do, and maybe I don't, but I want you to be safe. Roaming the streets at night is ridiculous, no matter how tough you are, you're still a female. And right now you're a pregnant female, so you can't fight, no matter how many times you try to reason with me that that's okay, it's not. And you wouldn't listen to me if I asked, because you would still be upset, and you'd still think you were right. Mannerism wouldn't change that pride of yours." He wished she could just understand he was worried, he was concerned, for her and the baby. And yeah, maybe he was more than a little paranoid, but he felt he had a damn good reason. And it didn't fucking help with that shit Hidan did to her. He was still wondering how she felt about that, amazed she handled it so well, but then again, she was a Sabaku, who were generally fucked up people anyway, from what he'd heard. That was also the reason for her attitude, most likely, but sometimes he couldn't take it, especially when she was saying no to anything and everything he said, when it concerned the safety of their child or otherwise.
Just as soon as he sat, Temari stood, standing in front of him and waiting to see how he could try to get himself out of this one. She was aware of the scowl that spread across her face, the twitch in her arms, how her knees shook with something very akin to rage. She really could not believe that he had the balls to even say something like that. He was walking on thin ice-ice that completely shattered the second he stopped talking and didn’t even try to issue an apology. And that was it. She’d had enough of that attitude. It made her sick. So without a second thought to it, she held her hand back then brought it in fast, slapping him across the face as hard as she could muster. And damn it felt good to do it. But after, she had to stalk across the room, turning her back on him, lest she start trying to beat him into the floor. Because that was what she really wanted to do, start pummeling him with everything she had.
“I can’t believe you. I can not fucking believe you,” she said, trying to keep her quavering voice low, but failing as she continued. “I thought you were different! But it looks like I was wrong, and you’re just like all those other fucking assholes! Yourwoman, your bitch? Fuck that, you don’t own me! The only thing of yours I am is your fiancée and I’m not sure I want to be that anymore.” Just to illustrate her point, she slipped the ring off her finger and tossed it over her shoulder at him. She took a couple deep breaths in and out, trying not to punch the wall, lowering her voice to a much more sinister level when she spoke again. “You know, maybe you were right, maybe I would have been better off with Hidan.”
"Fuck you, bitch..." Shikamaru said impulsively, and regretted it as soon as he had. But he and Temari were always calling each other names, so maybe it didn't matter. But the thing was, he didn't like calling her that shit anymore. He didn't even like their little fights anymore. They were together now, and it was starting to look like maybe they both would have been more happy, better off, just teasing for the rest of their lives.
Standing, he pulled his shirt back on and shot Temari a glare, exhaling shakily. He was fucking pissed now. She could have done anything to him, said anything else, and it wouldn't have bothered him that much. Hidan. Hidan Hidan Hidan. He was sick of being reminded of that fucker, being reminded of how better he was than Shikamaru, how he took his fucking woman. He couldn't fucking believe she was even saying this shit, about that bastard. The fucker who raped her, and after she told him she was pregnant. "You should have told me..." Sighing, he went into the bathroom and slammed the door. He couldn't fucking be around her right now, not if she was going to bring that shit up, not if she was going to say Hidan would be better for her. If any other name had come out of her mouth, he would have agreed, but no, she had to hurt him. She had to remind him of that shit, remind him that a rapist was better for her than he was. This wasn't working out. And he was starting to think it never would. Even as they had a child on the way, Temari was breaking it off every other day. Like she did when they were dating. But this was different, this was serious, and there was a child involved. It was stupid to even tell her he liked her, it was stupid to kiss her back, it was stupid to even get into this shit in the first place. He wanted to go back, to when they were happy, to when things were okay. He loved Temari, more than anything, and he wanted to be with her, but the way things were going, he was losing her, and she wouldn't even want to talk to him afterward. She was starting to hate him, and he missed the time he actually thought she did.
She couldn’t stay in this apartment any longer, regardless of what he said. She was going out, and since he was content on locking himself away, he wasn’t going to be able to stop her. Quietly, still shaking with anger, she slipped back out of her pajamas, folding them up neatly, and slipping back into her clothes. A glint on the floor caught her eye. The ring, right. Stooping over, she picked it up and inspected it. A supposed symbol of their love. What a joke. He didn’t really love her, and she could see this now. He just thought he did, like all kids his age. He didn’t know what love was, didn’t know how to handle it, or how to handle heartbreak. He’d admittedly never dated anyone but her. Devoted or not though, she couldn’t tolerate this kind of behavior from him. She placed the ring on the computer desk next to the keyboard and took up her purse and phone, shoving the electronic into her pocket. She was about to leave the bedroom when she hesitated, standing in the doorway, then turned back, swapping out the phone for the ring, pocketing the metal band instead and leaving her phone there.
Grabbing her jacket, she finally exited the bedroom, slipping on her shoes at the door, and leaving as quietly as she could, making sure the door didn’t make too loud of a click. When she was finally in the hall, hurrying down it, she slipped her coat on. The night air was frigid, and she wished she’d grabbed her hat, too, but there was no way she was going back there. She needed to be alone now, because she wasn’t sure anymore if she hated him or loved him so much that she just hated when he got like this. She knew that at some point, she had loved him. Maybe a little unconventionally, but she still had. But she wasn’t sure on that anymore. She hadn’t wanted to run away this much since she was eight, she realized, and that was a scary thought. That without even trying, he could elicit that sort of thought, although a lot of it was likely residual.
The only thing that kept her from leaving him was this child.
The thought of being pregnant and completely alone, when the baby’s father was at most thirty minutes away was frightening in itself, but the idea of her kid being fatherless was even worse. But…could they really just stay together for their kid? That would be eighteen or more years that they would lose just to raising this child that she wasn’t even sure she wanted anymore. Adoption? But then she’d wonder what became of her baby, and it would probably tear her up. Her mind was so jumbled, she didn’t even know where to start, and all this because he was unwilling to make a little compromise.
After the silence, after not hearing her lashing out, even through the door, after she wasn't telling him to get the hell out there with her, Shikamaru knew something wasn't right. Opening the door, he waited. Nothing. Leaning out, he didn't see her in the bedroom, so he went out, checked the kitchen, checked the living room, checked everywhere. And she wasn't there. Returning to the bedroom, he found her cellphone. She actually left her fucking phone, so he couldn't call her. Great. She fucking left. He actually went and somehow managed to drive her away, after all the shit they had been through, after she fucking helped him with a murder, after they were having a damn kid. He figured she would be back by morning, but he wasn't going to wait around for her. And he figured that, by now, he wouldn't be able to find her or even catch up. She was probably running, and he didn't blame her. But he hated this, he fucking despised it, more than Hidan, he hated this. And that was a lot of hate. She would be better off without him, and he wanted her to be happy, but the only thing that made him fail to tell her this was the kid. She was pregnant, and he wasn't doing that to her. She wasn't taking care of the kid alone, and his kid wasn't going to be fatherless. She would end up like Kurenai, only the difference was he was still alive. Maybe it would have been better off if he wasn't.
Tossing his own cellphone onto the floor, Shikamaru returned to the living room and grabbed his jacket, yanking it on, and left. In the morning, maybe when Temari felt differently, once she possibly cooled off, he'd call the apartment from a payphone or something, see how she was. If she was even going to talk to him after this. He was worried about her, not only because she was on the streets this late, but because of everything else, too. This was all so very fucked up. They were both fucking insane. How the hell did he ever think this could work? How did he think they, of all people, were capable of having a normal relationship? Or raising a child, at that? It was all very ridiculous, and for being so smart, he wondered how the hell he was so stupid, getting into this. He wanted old Temari back. He wanted her to make fun of him, scold him, yell at him, tell him she hated him, occasionally hit him. Not the Temari that fucked with his head so much he felt like he was going crazy. She told him she loved him, she wanted to be with him, she wanted a family, then she went against all of it. She was the most gentle woman, then she was completely opposite of that. It was all so fucked up, and he couldn't deal with that. He wanted her to tell him she either loved him or hated him. Not both.
In her ten or fifteen minute trip down the sidewalk, Temari decided a few things. One was that she definitely loved him, but regardless of whether or not he loved her back, he wasn’t ready for a child. At least not right at the moment. It also occurred to her that he still had a lot to learn about handing her. He seemed to think he knew how she functioned, but when it came down to it, he had no clue. Obviously he didn’t, when he thought he could get away with claiming her as his bitch. She was no ones bitch, heck, she was no one’s woman, except her own. The idea still sickened her and she tried not to think on it. The last thing she decided, most importantly, was that they could work this out. They needed to work this out, really. It wasn’t like there was an option. They needed to be there for their daughter as normal, happy parents. And it would be hard for her right now, with so many hormones swimming through her system, more so than normal. But she was willing to try, as if she hadn’t illustrated this already. She wondered if he really did know how much of her pride she was putting on the line by keeping this child, marrying him.
She wondered if he really comprehended that she was giving up her own life’s dream for him. It wasn’t like she couldn’t get an abortion or force herself to have miscarriage. It wouldn’t be very hard at all to get rid of this pregnancy and continue on with her schooling, finish university, go to America like she had always dreamed of doing. She was giving up everything she had been aspiring to for longer than she could remember, all for him, all for their child, and he couldn’t even be assed to say ‘please’. And he didn’t seem to understand that, no matter what he did, he could never possess her. She could give him her love and her loyalty, but those were her choices, and she would never allow herself to be owned.
…still. It was cold, and she didn’t want to be spending money on a hotel, and she didn’t want to have to explain to her brothers that she had gotten into another fight with Shikamaru. At the next intersection, she stopped and turned, walking much slower than she had to get to that point in the first place. She was anything but eager to be home.
With all the time he had to think, alone, without interruption, a lot of things crossed Shikamaru's mind; Temari, Hidan, the baby, and how fucked up this entire situation was. He wanted to have this child, he really did. No matter what, he would take care of her, love her, and nothing could ever change that, not even Temari leaving him would stop that from being true, and he would do whatever he could to make sure everything would be alright for them. But... he still wasn't happy. As much as he thought on this, he was kind of disappointed, and it sucked. It sucked hard, because he wanted to be happy, he told Temari he would be, and then she got her hopes up only to tell him and have him say nothing. Not a damn thing to reassure her he even wanted to father a child with her. This whole situation, it was just too troublesome. Now she probably thought he was going to run off on her with Kin and Tayuya or fuck her over some other way. She was now convinced he was just like the other guys she fucked, too, and he hated that. He loved her, and he tried to prove it, he tried to make her understand that he would never, ever leave her, no matter what happened between them, but failed. She could do anything she wanted, really, and he would take care of her, stay loyal, love her. She could fuck ten different guys a day, become a stripper or get on crack or some shit and he would still feel the same way. How the fuck did things turn out like this? How the hell could he fall in love with her? He had to really be messed up, there had to be something wrong with him. He and women didn't mix well to begin with, he hated them, they hated him, and somehow he ended up loving exactly the type he wanted to avoid even speaking to. She was terrible, horrible, worse than his mother, the woman he grew up convincing himself was the worst thing that could ever happen to a man.
Shoving his hands into his pockets, Shikamaru stepped off the sidewalk, about to cross the street, but stopped noticed Temari. He didn't know what the hell to say. I'm sorry probably would be best, and he was, but he wasn't sure if it would even change a damn thing. Fuck, he wasn't sure she would even talk to him, but he was going to try. She was pregnant, out this late, it was cold, and he just wanted to get her warm and comfortable, even if he wasn't there with her, because she probably didn't want to be. "Where're you going?" He asked quietly as he approached her, pulling his hands out oh his pockets and taking one of hers, sighing. "I'm sorry, Temari. We should go home, talk about this." He was pretty sure he knew what to say, and he didn't know about him, so maybe that wasn't the best idea either. Maybe it would just cause more problems, but something needed to be done, something needed to change.
Moments before she had even spotted him, Temari had pulled her hands from her coat pockets, reached into her jeans, and slipped the ring back onto her finger, but gave it no more attention than that. She couldn’t even really think it. She couldn’t think of leaving him or getting an abortion without a short pang of guilt. No matter how much this relationship or this pregnancy was hurting her, tearing her apart, reforming her into something she wasn’t, she just couldn’t contentedly imagine getting rid of it all, no matter how easy it would be. And yet still, something tugged at the back of her mind, reminding her of all the things that they would never get to do now, how intimate contact, including sex but not only that, would become less and less frequent as they had to take care of their child and settle down and work. She didn’t want to settle down, not really. She wanted to be able to throw her boyfriend onto the bed-or floor, or table, or whatever-and go wild. She wanted to be able to go out without having to tote around a stroller.
God, she really wasn’t ready for this child. The more she considered it, the more she realized…she really wasn’t.
She was in the middle of thinking how she was going to tell him when she spotted him. Her eyes met his face for barely a second before she averted her gaze back to the pavement. When he came over, she hardly listened to him. Something about going home. She just nodded slightly, and pulled her hand out of his, shoving it back into her pocket. She didn’t even know what to say to him, and she was all choked up.
She just wanted things to go back to the way they were.
She wouldn't even look at him, talk to him, listen to him. This wasn't good. This wasn't a normal, happy, healthy relationship, it never had been, and it never would be. Everything was happening so soon, too. Shikamaru didn't like fast. He liked taking his dear sweet time, he liked thinking things over as long as he had to, he liked having options, he liked having at least a little control over anything that happened. But now, everything was completely the opposite. Everything was so sudden, so fast, so unexpected, and he couldn't stand it. And as much as he didn't like doing the kinds of things teenagers usually did, as much as he already felt like an adult, he kind of felt like he couldn't do this. He would anyway, he would force himself, if he had to, but the way things were headed, it was beginning to look like neither he or Temari were ever going to be happy. Not with a kid, not with marriage. And he was scared to admit he didn't want this to happen. She would probably suggest something he didn't like, and he would get hysterical. So mentally, he told himself he didn't have a choice, he had to be ready, tried so hard to believe it.
"Temari..." his voice was low, because he wanted her relaxed, he wanted her calm. None of this, getting upset, the fighting, was good for her. Or the baby.
His tone was the icing on the cake. Regardless of who was watching, or how appropriate or inappropriate it was, she threw her arms around his shoulders and hugged him tight. She couldn’t stand this anymore, and how did he keep bringing her to breaking point like this? But it was understandable. He said he was ready. She thought she was ready. And now she was coming to the startling realization that this was something she couldn’t do. And when Temari couldn’t do something…it was practically the end of the world for her.
“Shika…I…” She choked on her words, holding him tightly, trying not to cry because she couldn’t do that again, the lump in her throat painful. “I can’t do this. I can’t be this kid’s mother. I’m just…I’m not fucking ready. I want more time with you, just me and you and not have to deal with a kid, I want to go places and have fun and go on dates and spend whole days just screwing you senseless until we can’t even do it anymore…I don’t want to be a mother.”
It all came gushing out once she got past the first word, and it was all out there in the open before she could really stop herself from saying anything it. So there it was, her rather painful admission that she couldn’t do something. Where they would go from there was just beyond her.
Hugging her back, not as tight as she had, Shikamaru sighed, running a hand along her back. He tried to think of something to say, but what could he do? He wasn't ready either, but he wanted this kid. He loved it, and it was part of his life now. Nothing would ever change that. He didn't want to use the other options, he didn't want to have it and give it up, he didn't want to abort it.
"I... I know." He finally muttered, shaking his head. "...I'll take care of her. If you want to leave, go ahead. If that's what you need to do..." She should just agree, nod and say yes, have the kid and let him raise it and go on about her life. And be fucking happy. He wasn't the right guy for her, he knew this, and he was trying to accept that. The way she treated him, the way she always threatened to leave, and on top of that, she didn't even trust him... she could go get a million other men, and be happy. The one thing he couldn't do for her, the one thing she needed. This was too much, even for her, all of it was, and he understood that. She had enough shit in her life, and she didn't need to keep getting fucked over like this. It would drive him crazy, but he needed to do it alone. She wasn't up to it, and he didn't want to see something happen that was immoral, wrong, and that they would both regret for the rest of their lives.
The idea of leaving him…still the age of a high school student…alone to raise their child…there was nothing she could do to stop sobbing right there on the street, her face pressed into the crook of his neck as her hands tried to grasp tighter at his jacket, numb from the cold. Because the only thought that came to mind was him having to deal with the up-all-nights and diaper changing and bottle feeding and teething and all those sorts of things, all alone. Of course he’d have Ino and Chouji and his parents to help him, but when it came down to it, would just him taking care of the kid in that scenario. That wasn’t right. A sixteen-year-old single father. She couldn’t bear the image, but she couldn’t shove it from her mind. And then that her daughter would grow up never knowing her mother’s face. The idea caused Temari to just sob louder. She couldn’t do that to any child, but her own? When she had gone through it herself? And what would be even worse would be that mommy was still alive and kicking.
“I can’t leave you,” she choked out, “I can’t, I won’t. Leaving you alone with the baby won’t do me any good, then I’ll have lost you and her. I can’t do that Shika, I can’t. I…I need you.”
It was a hard thing for Temari to not only admit that she couldn’t handle the responsibility that she’d brought upon herself, but to then admit, just a moment later, that she was dependent on him. And they weren’t even in private, and now people were watching on with a sort of vague curiosity.
"Temari." He pulled out of the hug, wiped her tears away, tried to comfort her, but just ended up wanting to cry himself. He didn't like this shit, and he hated what it did to her. The fact that his beautiful, brave, strong Temari was standing here sobbing, it killed him. It was overwhelming, and just proved how much this really was fucked up, and it wasn't going to be alright. Not as long as things stayed the same. He knew he could push her away, but he didn't want it to come to that. He wanted to be with her, but he also wanted her to be happy, and that wasn't going to happen as long as she stayed with him.
"Listen to me." He muttered under his breath, taking her face in his hands, exhaling. "You can't do this, babe. You can't. And I can. We can still be together, you can come and see her... we'll work something out." His attempts, he realized, could be futile, but then again, maybe it was just what Temari needed to hear; she couldn't do this. She wasn't the mother type, although he could see in about twenty years, her raising a family. But twenty years was a long time, people changed in twenty years. And he knew she was physically capable of doing this, as she was forced to practically raise her brothers, but she didn't have a choice. And he wanted her to have an option here, he meant everything he said. It would be hard, it would be troublesome, he knew this, but he could do it, and he would.
“No!” All she could do was protest, because there were only two ways that this could even function in her mind: if she left completely, or if she stayed completely. “Like it would fuck her up just to see her mom come and go, just like that? Like it wouldn’t fuck her up to hardly ever see her mother like that? What would you say to her when she asked why mommy doesn’t live at home, what would you say when she asked why mommy doesn’t ever stay? How would you even convince her that mommy loves her in a situation like that? And I can’t be with you, but not be there! God, think about it! It doesn’t work like that!”
It was all so absurd, and it was making her sick. Her knees felt like they were going to buckle underneath her. When she ran out of tears to cry, she just sobbed instead, hugging him tighter still.
“I need to be with you,” she said softly, sniffling as she slackened her grip just a bit, so as not to strangle him. “I can’t leave you to raise her alone. That’s no good for her…and it’s no good for me. It makes me want to throw up just thinking about leaving all that responsibility on you, when you’d still have to work…I can’t…I can’t do that to you, and I can’t do that to her.”
Hugging her back, Shikamaru had to wonder why the hell he thought anything he said even mattered anymore. Temari wasn't listening, she was retaliating. Not that he could blame her. What she said made sense, too, that was the worst thing about it. "Temari, you said yourself you aren't ready. We don't have options, here. I'm not making you do this. And it would be a lot better for her than a lot of families have. I just... God, I don't know." And he really, really didn't. Stroking her hair now, he looked away, stared off at nothing in particular, wishing there was an easy way to solve all of their problems, wishing a lot of things, and wondering how in the hell it had come to this. They were kids once, teasing, picking on eachother. He hated it then, he thought he hated her, and he just missed it now. Those memories, they were a lot better than reality sometimes, and that wasn't right. How the hell did they go from that to what they were now? Really, it was a puzzling thought. Three years ago, he would have never been able to imagine something this bizarre, so different. It almost didn't seem real, in a way. They were engaged, they had a kid on the way, they fucking committed a murder together. And the thing he never, ever thought would happen... they were actually in love. It did all seem like something you could just dream up one night, like a nightmare or something. Only it wasn't. And it wasn't bad all the time. If it was, this would all be a lot simpler. If they really hated eachother, they could just move on and be happy. Hating her, her hating him. He could definitely deal with that.
Breathing in deeply as most of the sobs subsided, although a few still wracked her body, entirely out of her control, she shook her head. She didn’t really know either. The one thing she did know was that she couldn’t abandon her husband and child like that, to run off and have fun.
“Shika,” she said softly, leaning into him for support, but letting her grip slacken a little more. “I’d do anything for you, I would. But you can’t ask me to let you raise her alone. Because I can’t see you asking me to be absolutely miserable.” She sighed again to collect her thoughts a little more. “Just because I’m not ready doesn’t mean I’m going to bail out on you. It’s my child too, and besides…seven months is still a long time. I just…every day that I couldn’t see you or hold you, knowing how hard it would be for you to take care of an infant alone…every day that I couldn’t see our baby’s face…I couldn’t stand it. I’d be worse off than I am now. Sure it’ll be hard to raise her, maybe more for me than you, but it’s the best option there is left to me. Please don’t ask me to let you raise her alone.”
"I'm not." Shikamaru responded, letting go of her again, holding her back by the shoulders so he could see her face. "I'm asking you to do whatever you need to do. And I need you to understand if you stay, you're going to have a real kid. A human being, Tem. You'll be responsible for her, she'll need constant watch and care, she'll need more attention than your fucking ferret or my cat. A child is a very demanding responsibility, not only physically, but emotionally. And I don't think you can handle it. I know you'd try, I know you would do your best, but... you're not mentally ready for this. And I don't want you to go, I want to be with you, forever. I love you, but this is just going to mess you up or something. Before you agree, I just need you to think this over and make sure you're absolutely sure." He tried to make sense, he really did, and he hoped she could just understand all that. Even thinking of life without her, it hurt, and he knew he would be miserable if it were ever to happen, but this also needed to change. They needed to figure something out.
Temari tried to looked into his eyes, but found it too difficult, and averted her eyes a few seconds later. Wrapping her arms around herself, she bit her lip, pondered her response. It wasn’t that she couldn’t take care of a baby. That she could handle. It was just…giving all this up…
“It’s not that, I can take care of her physically…emotionally…but, hun, your life’s plan just changed a little, that’s all…mine…mine went up in smoke. I’m just scared. Now I have to change every little detail I ever planned on but…”
She paused a moment, swallowing hard, wondering what she could say to convince him, how she could say it. Because the only option she had seemed less like and option and more like a necessity. She needed to be there for her child, no question about it.
“Seeing my little girl grow up without me? That’s going to fuck me up more than anything would. We can get therapy, parenting classes, have your mom watch her if I need a day off if it really comes down to it, but I need to be there for her. You know I grew up without my mother. You think I could ever do that to her? It’s not an option for me anymore, I can’t leave the two of you alone, even if it’s just for a couple years.”
"You don't say something unless you mean it, Temari. We both know what, and when you say you aren't ready, that you can't do this... it's because you can't. If there was some way to handle this, to make it all better, you know I'd suggest it, but..." He sighed, taking her hands in his, looking them over as if they were the most interesting thing in the world, and didn't look back up. "We can't do this." He finally muttered, shaking his head slightly. "I mean..." He let go of her hands, taking a step back, glancing at her. "I love you, Temari, and I want to be with you. I'll love the kid, I want to marry you someday, this isn't what I planned, but I know I can handle it. You can't. You're just doing this, agreeing to stay, because you didn't have a mother, because you love me or whatever? Lots of kids don't have moms, but they still have a dad. And she'll have me, so it'll be different. Besides, you could love another guy. It wouldn't be hard. And you should... if your plan meant that much to you, finish school, go to America, do whatever the hell you want. When you come back, I'll have been waiting for you, and you can come back whenever you're ready."
She couldn’t believe he was still saying this. Sure, she realized that she wasn’t ready for this, but that doesn’t mean they couldn’t take steps to ensure that she would be ready the baby actually came. She hadn’t expected him to blow it out of proportion like this, and despite having just be bawling, her eyes still red, she finally looked up at him, glaring.
“No.” Her tone still held a lot of her sadness but a lot more darkness than it had a moment ago. “I am not leaving you and I am not leaving my baby. I love you both, and you can’t ask me to leave you. What the hell sort of person do you think I am, to just abandon my child like that, to go off and have fun? I wouldn’t even be able to have fun, thinking of my girl growing up without me! It doesn’t work that way and you know it. If I’m not there, she will never see me as her mother. Is that what you want? Do you want me to suffer, every single day, for the rest of my life, knowing I let my daughter down?”
She yanked her hands from his again. She really did feel like she was going to be sick, and her fingers were numb. She needed to get home right away.
“I might not be ready right now, but I’ll be damned if I don’t do everything in my power to get ready, and to take care of her. You watch, I’ll be the best damned mother any kid ever had.”
Without another word, she began stalking off down the street, back towards the apartment. She needed a nice warm bath right about then.
Sighing again, Shikamaru started after Temari, keeping his distance from her so he could have a smoke on the way back, because fuck, he really felt like he needed it right now. That, and a drink. God did he need a fucking drink. He didn't say anything else, though. She was right, she was always right, he was wrong, and what she said went. He couldn't give his input or opinion because she was bound to beat it down, and she could, even with a single glance. She didn't even need to respond, she didn't need to yell. He just felt like what he said needed saying. She told him she wasn't ready, that she didn't want the kid.. what the fuck did she expect him to do? Just say "okay, but you're doing it anyway" it seemed. She was always sending him mixed signals, too. And it was fucking confusing. She wanted him to keep his mouth shut, yet she wanted him to talk to her, she wanted him to go harder, she wanted him to slow down, he wasn't allowed to tell her what he thought should go, but after a few days of doing every single thing she told him, she would probably be bitching about that. As much as it bothered him, though, it was Temari, and he loved it. He loved everything about her, including her stupid, crazy mixed signals.
Arriving back at the apartment, Temari made no hesitation in throwing off her jacket, peeling off her clothes, an getting back into her pajamas, before curling up under the covers. She wasn’t mad at him in particular, although she was offended that he assumed that she could just abandon her family like that. She wasn’t going to just shirk on her responsibility because she decided that she wanted to have a little more fun in life. That wasn’t her choice to make anymore. She’d given up that option when she’d engaged in risky, unprotected sex, at her own insistence. But despite that, she really hoped he’d come lay down with her, unable to find the words or energy to summon him to the bed.
She really did want to take care of her child. She didn’t want to be a mother. She just wasn’t ready to be giving everything up. Maybe she’d worded things wrong, with the way he reacted. She just needed time to come to grips with things. He just needed to understand what she was feeling, otherwise they would just keep fighting. She didn’t want to hide things from him then yell at him because of it, because that simply wasn’t fair to him. But in trying to be honest, she’d caused this. Her honesty always got her in trouble, it seemed, but she couldn’t seem to stop when it came to him.
Pulling his own jacket off, tossing it somewhere in the living room, Shikamaru stood there for a second, thought on this, before he realized it wasn't changing a damn thing. Thinking, what did it ever help. He was such an idiot for even trying to reason with her, and maybe he wouldn't anymore. He was tired, physically, emotionally, in every sense of the word, he was exhausted. And he just couldn't do this anymore, to him, to her, to that little baby inside her. It wasn't right, and if he had a say in this, at least, it wasn't happening anymore. They should be happy, and there had to be one fucking thing that could make them that way. He just needed to find out what the hell it was, because apparently, being in love was not enough in the end.
Finally joining Temari in the bedroom, Shikamaru stripped his shirt away again, took his shoes off, and approached the bed, getting in beside her, getting under the covers as-well. He didn't say anything, because he didn't want to hurt her more, upset her. He just wanted to hug her, hold her, tell her things were going to be okay, although he was beginning to doubt it himself. "I'm sorry." He finally muttered, almost in a whisper, as if she was asleep already, and reached down, running his fingers through her hair.
With another deep sigh-really, how many was that tonight?-Temari shifted closer to him, letting one arm come to hang around his waist.
“I’m sorry too,” she replied, just as quietly. They’d figure something out, of course. That was how they were. They were both stubborn, and she wasn’t one to just give up. Of course she’d do everything to prepare herself, and with all the emotional factors included, and the fact that she’d be the one going through this pregnancy, she was going to make it work. She couldn’t even think of abandoning them without feeling sick. She needed to make sure he knew this, though. “I don’t know what you thought I meant when I said I wasn’t ready, but…I still want to have this child with you and get married. I’m just…not ready to be giving up the things we could have done, but tough shit, I’ll have to.”
"I don't know what the hell I thought you meant, either." Shikamaru muttered, running a hand down Temari's cheek, moving it to her chin, tilting her face upward, and leaned down to kiss her. Gently removing her arm from its place around his waist, he laid down with her, wrapping his own arms around her shoulders. "And I know, babe. I was being an idiot." Laying here with her, looking in her eyes like this... it felt so right. No matter what happened between them, no matter how much they argued, no matter what was done or said during, at the end of the day, it somehow all didn't seem real. It was like it never even happened. Not that everything was okay in any sense of the word. He was still hurt, and he was pretty certain she was damaged, too. But still, they always seemed to have their own strange way of reconciling, and for that, he was grateful.
Smiling into their kiss, Temari gave one last sigh-more happy than anything-and cuddled up close again as hey lay with her. She didn’t like it when they fought, she hated it when he was angry, and all she wanted to do was get along, love him, prepare herself for this burden.
“If you’re and idiot, what am I?” she murmured joking, her tone much lighter than it had been all night. “Well, definitely not your bitch, that’s for sure.”
She laughed quietly to show that she was just kidding, because she didn’t want to end up fighting again. That was the last thing she needed. But everything else that she needed? She had here and now. She had warmth, a roof over her head, food in the kitchen, the love her life and father of her baby lying next to her, and supportive friends and family if she needed them. Really, she couldn’t have asked for a whole lot more.
Where: the apartment, the street
When: Sunday, November 11, 2007
Warnings: Swearing. Angst. Hormonal!Tema.
Open?: No, it's all done :D
Cats. Their argument, the thing that led to him getting kicked out tonight was because of fucking cats. Shikamaru couldn't understand, as much as he tried, why Temari thought he would actually be alright with allowing her to leave the house and roam the streets at ten pm, alone. He just wanted to come with her, make sure she was safe, or at least make sure he knew there was nothing to be worried about. And yeah, maybe his comment was a little too sexist, but fuck, he wanted to say anything to prevent her from going out the door. That would be a very stupid move on her part, especially since she planned on doing it alone. And he was that way when she met him. Although he had toned that chauvenistic crap down since then, or got better at hiding it, it still existed, and so it would come out every once in a while. Besides, he did feel like he should have a say in... well, anything. He was the man, and that stood for something. At least, he thought it did.
After receiving her last text message, Shikamaru snapped his cellphone shut, shoving it into his pocket. He thought it was a little cute she didn't wait a total of five minutes before texting him again, but he was still bothered. Bothered by the fact that he knew, when he got back, as nice as she had seemed over the text messages, that there would most definitely be an argument or fight of some sort. And he hated that for a few reasons. The first was Temari being pregnant. Of course, stress could cause a miscarriage, and he wanted to do anything to avoid losing that kid, as strange as it still seemed to him he was going to be a father, a husband, and soon. And the other fact was, well, because every time they got in an argument or something of the sort, he just wanted to go back to the bedroom and have rough sex. But no, Temari was pregnant, so he couldn't have fun like that anymore. Maybe it was childish to miss that, but if it ever came up, he'd just blame it on her.
It didn't take long to get back home, just a minute more than it took to leave; he didn't want to keep Temari waiting, but he figured all a minute could do was calm her down a little. Well, he hoped that was the case. With these hormones, he never knew what was what anymore, and he was annoyed with that concept.
Finally reaching the apartment, Shikamaru came in and closed the door, locking it, and threw his jacket on the floor, crossing his arms, and waited for Temari to either explode or turn into a hysterical mess of tears or... something. Honestly, he would prefer regular Temari, just slightly bitchy, not completely insane, but he was expecting the other possibilities, just to be prepared when it, whatever it was, happened.
Temari wasn’t going to cry, because she was still pissed off over that “I’m the man” bullcrap he’d tried to pull on her. But she wasn’t going to start wailing on him the second he came in the door. And in the time between when she sent her last message and the time she walked in the door, she paced back and forth uncomfortably in the living room. She didn’t mean to argue over such stupid things, but when he didn’t understand why they couldn’t afford to take care of ten cats at the moment, it was hard for her not to get pissed off. It seemed like he wasn’t really taking this whole family thing seriously. He was so much less interested in giving things up than she was.
Still, when she heard him come in, she swooped off towards the hall and immediately pulled him close, one hand firmly pressed between his shoulder blades, the other coming up to tangle in his hair. No matter what she did or said, she still loved him, and she knew that if she kept doing this sort of shit, one day, he was going to leave and never come back. Or at least she thought she knew. Because she trusted that he’d stay with her as it stood, but if she continued to grate on his nerves…things might change.
“Shika…I’m really sorry,” she said calmly once she’d let go of him a little.
"It's okay. I'm sorry too... Let's just go to bed or something." Avoiding her gaze, Shikamaru uncrossed his arms and gave Temari a light squeeze before pulling away. He was still regretting bossing her around like that, and even as he was saying that to her, he knew it would never work. But as it stood now, he just wanted to be able to avoid a conversation about it, because as hormonal as Temari was, and as upset as he had been lately, it just wouldn't mix well. He didn't want to raise his voice to her, he didn't want to upset her, and he didn't want to fuck things up anymore than he already had. Which was a lot.
Taking her by the hand, he tugged her arm slightly, attempting to lead her to the bedroom, hoping she didn't want to stay in here to talk or whatever she wanted to do. Because he didn't want either of them to be uncomfortable during.
“Yeah, okay,” Temari agreed, following along, “but we need to talk about this too, or else it’ll just keep happening, and we can’t keep doing this.”
She knew a lot of it was her fault, but part of it was his. They’re were pretty much equally to blame, but either way, they needed to figure out how to avoid this in the future. Because another seven and a half months of this wasn’t going to be any good for any of them. She wanted to get along with her husband, at least a little, or at least not force him to leave the house. She wanted to not keep pushing him away like she did, but she wasn’t ready to just become some subservient little housewife like he seemed to want.
Once reaching the bedroom, going inside, he let go of her hand, closed the door, and walked a few feet away, stripping his shirt off, taking a seat on the bed, and leaned forward, covering his face with his hands. Okay, so she wanted to talk about it. They were going to talk about it, and they were going to fucking argue. She was probably going to bring up how pissy he had been lately, but he couldn't tell her it was because he didn't get to have sex seven times a day like he wanted. He wasn't going to tell her he thought he was addicted to sex. No, then she really would think he was crazy, so he planned on blaming it on the shit she was already aware of, because the biggest part of his attitude was because of that Hidan bitch, anyway. So he wouldn't be lying... he just wouldn't be being completely honest.
Finally deciding to get this shit over with, Shikamaru uncovered his face and glanced at Temari. "Look, I didn't fucking mean it, and I'm sorry. I just don't seem to have any say in a damn thing you do. And you're carrying my kid, so that doesn't help when you decide to roam the streets alone at ten at night. You fucking... You tried to break our engagement off a day after it happened. That's not fucking normal, Temari. We're not normal. There's something fucking wrong with us." It was true that they could be insane, but they could also be so normal they seemed like an entirely different couple. It was almost like their entire relationship was bipolar, actually. They could go from being enraged and hating one-another to happy and very much blissfully in love in a matter of seconds. It was strange, yes, but for them, it was also a very constant, regular occurrence.
Changing into her pajamas, as he finished speaking, she came to sit on the bed with him. She could really see how much her moodiness was affecting him, how much it was hurting him, and she knew-whether he said it or not-that this had to do with a whole lot more than just Hidan. She knew exactly what it had to do with: lack of communication, or when they did communicate, poor portrayal of thoughts and ideas. And they were both equally guilty of this, although the degree to which he was, was a bit of a mystery to Temari, if only because she couldn’t read his mind and figure out what things he did and didn’t mean. And she liked to give him the benefit of the doubt, but knowing and thinking were two different things.
“Shhhh,” she hushed him, putting her arms around him and pulling him in close. “Don’t say things like that. It’s not productive at all.” Breathing in deeply, she let one hand come up to stroke his hair gently, rhythmically, just as one might an animal. Her voice was low and soft, enough to be heard, and firm yet not harsh like it might normally be. “You need to understand that I’m not used to taking orders from anyone but my father. So you tell me to do things, and I automatically want to rebel. Try asking me to do something instead of commanding it. It’ll get a better reaction,” she explained, trying her best to sound unaccusing. “And remember that it’s our child, and yeah, I’m pregnant, butI can have a life. And I’m not just talking about tonight either.”
She breathed in deeply again, letting it out slowly, shifting to kiss gently at his forehead. She really did love him more than anything, and wanted to be with him more than she could ever express. I was just hard to find a way for him to understand how things were for her, how unaccustomed she was to having someone actually love her like this.
“I know you’re stressed,” she continued, “and that we went from being able to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted, wherever we wanted, to having to stick to this one narrow path we’re on now, and that we have to settle down and can’t do a lot of what we want. It kills me too. But Shika…we have to try to deal with it. We don’t have any choice.”
"I know that. I'm not an idiot like everyone thinks. People keep telling me parenting is going to be fucking hard, like I don't fucking know it already." He pulled away, gently, trying to make sure it didn't offend her, and despite his curses, he didn't sound threatening at all. He didn't want to upset Temari, so he tried to keep his voice low, calm. "And I'm not trying to control you, I want you to be able to do the shit you want, Temari, but... I don't know, I fucking worry. Even if you weren't pregnant, I'd be against you going out at ten pm." Sighing, he looked away from her, hands rubbing together sightly. "I don't want to tell you what to do, but you're so Goddamn difficult, you say no to me about anything and everything, even when you know I'm right. When I fucking tell you caffeine isn't good for the kid, that's because it's true, not because I want you to give up tea." Scoffing, he stood and walked around the side of the bed, yanking the covers back. He could have said more, and maybe he wanted to, but for now he was just going to reply to whatever it was Temari said. He didn't want to make shit more complicated than it already was, and his complaining only ever seemed to mess things up between them.
Always the hot-tempered one, Temari felt a strong desire to throw something or punch something but refrained. He wasn’t listening to what she was saying. He was just off in his own little world, either refusing or unable to comprehend what she was trying to get across to him. And it was making her think some rather crazy thoughts, wondering if he could stay with his parents, perhaps, until the baby was born or just logical ways to keep him away from her so that they didn’t keep fighting like this all throughout the next several months. Because they either needed to resolve this or completely avoid it altogether, and if he wasn’t going to listen to what she was saying, there really wasn’t going to be any resolving it. And more and more she was thinking he really wasn’t ready for this. Of course he wasn’t ready. No one was ready to be a father at sixteen. She really wanted to believe him when he said he was, that he understood what kind of responsibility this was…but he was demonstrating otherwise.
“You’re not listening to me,” she finally replied, voice a bit harsher now, if only for the fact that she was really rather annoyed and trying to keep it in check. It wasn’t helping that he was getting all worked up, while she was trying to have a normal, civilized discussion. “You want me to do or not do certain things, fine, whatever, but you can’t command me around. You knew what kind of person I am going into this, and you know I don’t take well to kids bossing me around. All you have to do is ask. There’s a distinct difference, and if my sweetheart asks me nicely to do something, then yeah, I’m probably inclined to do it.”
"Fucking shit, no you wouldn't. I tell you to do it... in a suggesting manner and you react like I already said you're the woman, my bitch, and you have to do what I say, when I say it. All that... walking three feet behind me crap included." He muttered, walking over to be seated with her again. "Look, I don't want to fucking say that shit to you, Temari. I didn't then. I just feel like I have no fucking say in anything you do, and maybe I don't, but I want you to be safe. Roaming the streets at night is ridiculous, no matter how tough you are, you're still a female. And right now you're a pregnant female, so you can't fight, no matter how many times you try to reason with me that that's okay, it's not. And you wouldn't listen to me if I asked, because you would still be upset, and you'd still think you were right. Mannerism wouldn't change that pride of yours." He wished she could just understand he was worried, he was concerned, for her and the baby. And yeah, maybe he was more than a little paranoid, but he felt he had a damn good reason. And it didn't fucking help with that shit Hidan did to her. He was still wondering how she felt about that, amazed she handled it so well, but then again, she was a Sabaku, who were generally fucked up people anyway, from what he'd heard. That was also the reason for her attitude, most likely, but sometimes he couldn't take it, especially when she was saying no to anything and everything he said, when it concerned the safety of their child or otherwise.
Just as soon as he sat, Temari stood, standing in front of him and waiting to see how he could try to get himself out of this one. She was aware of the scowl that spread across her face, the twitch in her arms, how her knees shook with something very akin to rage. She really could not believe that he had the balls to even say something like that. He was walking on thin ice-ice that completely shattered the second he stopped talking and didn’t even try to issue an apology. And that was it. She’d had enough of that attitude. It made her sick. So without a second thought to it, she held her hand back then brought it in fast, slapping him across the face as hard as she could muster. And damn it felt good to do it. But after, she had to stalk across the room, turning her back on him, lest she start trying to beat him into the floor. Because that was what she really wanted to do, start pummeling him with everything she had.
“I can’t believe you. I can not fucking believe you,” she said, trying to keep her quavering voice low, but failing as she continued. “I thought you were different! But it looks like I was wrong, and you’re just like all those other fucking assholes! Yourwoman, your bitch? Fuck that, you don’t own me! The only thing of yours I am is your fiancée and I’m not sure I want to be that anymore.” Just to illustrate her point, she slipped the ring off her finger and tossed it over her shoulder at him. She took a couple deep breaths in and out, trying not to punch the wall, lowering her voice to a much more sinister level when she spoke again. “You know, maybe you were right, maybe I would have been better off with Hidan.”
"Fuck you, bitch..." Shikamaru said impulsively, and regretted it as soon as he had. But he and Temari were always calling each other names, so maybe it didn't matter. But the thing was, he didn't like calling her that shit anymore. He didn't even like their little fights anymore. They were together now, and it was starting to look like maybe they both would have been more happy, better off, just teasing for the rest of their lives.
Standing, he pulled his shirt back on and shot Temari a glare, exhaling shakily. He was fucking pissed now. She could have done anything to him, said anything else, and it wouldn't have bothered him that much. Hidan. Hidan Hidan Hidan. He was sick of being reminded of that fucker, being reminded of how better he was than Shikamaru, how he took his fucking woman. He couldn't fucking believe she was even saying this shit, about that bastard. The fucker who raped her, and after she told him she was pregnant. "You should have told me..." Sighing, he went into the bathroom and slammed the door. He couldn't fucking be around her right now, not if she was going to bring that shit up, not if she was going to say Hidan would be better for her. If any other name had come out of her mouth, he would have agreed, but no, she had to hurt him. She had to remind him of that shit, remind him that a rapist was better for her than he was. This wasn't working out. And he was starting to think it never would. Even as they had a child on the way, Temari was breaking it off every other day. Like she did when they were dating. But this was different, this was serious, and there was a child involved. It was stupid to even tell her he liked her, it was stupid to kiss her back, it was stupid to even get into this shit in the first place. He wanted to go back, to when they were happy, to when things were okay. He loved Temari, more than anything, and he wanted to be with her, but the way things were going, he was losing her, and she wouldn't even want to talk to him afterward. She was starting to hate him, and he missed the time he actually thought she did.
She couldn’t stay in this apartment any longer, regardless of what he said. She was going out, and since he was content on locking himself away, he wasn’t going to be able to stop her. Quietly, still shaking with anger, she slipped back out of her pajamas, folding them up neatly, and slipping back into her clothes. A glint on the floor caught her eye. The ring, right. Stooping over, she picked it up and inspected it. A supposed symbol of their love. What a joke. He didn’t really love her, and she could see this now. He just thought he did, like all kids his age. He didn’t know what love was, didn’t know how to handle it, or how to handle heartbreak. He’d admittedly never dated anyone but her. Devoted or not though, she couldn’t tolerate this kind of behavior from him. She placed the ring on the computer desk next to the keyboard and took up her purse and phone, shoving the electronic into her pocket. She was about to leave the bedroom when she hesitated, standing in the doorway, then turned back, swapping out the phone for the ring, pocketing the metal band instead and leaving her phone there.
Grabbing her jacket, she finally exited the bedroom, slipping on her shoes at the door, and leaving as quietly as she could, making sure the door didn’t make too loud of a click. When she was finally in the hall, hurrying down it, she slipped her coat on. The night air was frigid, and she wished she’d grabbed her hat, too, but there was no way she was going back there. She needed to be alone now, because she wasn’t sure anymore if she hated him or loved him so much that she just hated when he got like this. She knew that at some point, she had loved him. Maybe a little unconventionally, but she still had. But she wasn’t sure on that anymore. She hadn’t wanted to run away this much since she was eight, she realized, and that was a scary thought. That without even trying, he could elicit that sort of thought, although a lot of it was likely residual.
The only thing that kept her from leaving him was this child.
The thought of being pregnant and completely alone, when the baby’s father was at most thirty minutes away was frightening in itself, but the idea of her kid being fatherless was even worse. But…could they really just stay together for their kid? That would be eighteen or more years that they would lose just to raising this child that she wasn’t even sure she wanted anymore. Adoption? But then she’d wonder what became of her baby, and it would probably tear her up. Her mind was so jumbled, she didn’t even know where to start, and all this because he was unwilling to make a little compromise.
After the silence, after not hearing her lashing out, even through the door, after she wasn't telling him to get the hell out there with her, Shikamaru knew something wasn't right. Opening the door, he waited. Nothing. Leaning out, he didn't see her in the bedroom, so he went out, checked the kitchen, checked the living room, checked everywhere. And she wasn't there. Returning to the bedroom, he found her cellphone. She actually left her fucking phone, so he couldn't call her. Great. She fucking left. He actually went and somehow managed to drive her away, after all the shit they had been through, after she fucking helped him with a murder, after they were having a damn kid. He figured she would be back by morning, but he wasn't going to wait around for her. And he figured that, by now, he wouldn't be able to find her or even catch up. She was probably running, and he didn't blame her. But he hated this, he fucking despised it, more than Hidan, he hated this. And that was a lot of hate. She would be better off without him, and he wanted her to be happy, but the only thing that made him fail to tell her this was the kid. She was pregnant, and he wasn't doing that to her. She wasn't taking care of the kid alone, and his kid wasn't going to be fatherless. She would end up like Kurenai, only the difference was he was still alive. Maybe it would have been better off if he wasn't.
Tossing his own cellphone onto the floor, Shikamaru returned to the living room and grabbed his jacket, yanking it on, and left. In the morning, maybe when Temari felt differently, once she possibly cooled off, he'd call the apartment from a payphone or something, see how she was. If she was even going to talk to him after this. He was worried about her, not only because she was on the streets this late, but because of everything else, too. This was all so very fucked up. They were both fucking insane. How the hell did he ever think this could work? How did he think they, of all people, were capable of having a normal relationship? Or raising a child, at that? It was all very ridiculous, and for being so smart, he wondered how the hell he was so stupid, getting into this. He wanted old Temari back. He wanted her to make fun of him, scold him, yell at him, tell him she hated him, occasionally hit him. Not the Temari that fucked with his head so much he felt like he was going crazy. She told him she loved him, she wanted to be with him, she wanted a family, then she went against all of it. She was the most gentle woman, then she was completely opposite of that. It was all so fucked up, and he couldn't deal with that. He wanted her to tell him she either loved him or hated him. Not both.
In her ten or fifteen minute trip down the sidewalk, Temari decided a few things. One was that she definitely loved him, but regardless of whether or not he loved her back, he wasn’t ready for a child. At least not right at the moment. It also occurred to her that he still had a lot to learn about handing her. He seemed to think he knew how she functioned, but when it came down to it, he had no clue. Obviously he didn’t, when he thought he could get away with claiming her as his bitch. She was no ones bitch, heck, she was no one’s woman, except her own. The idea still sickened her and she tried not to think on it. The last thing she decided, most importantly, was that they could work this out. They needed to work this out, really. It wasn’t like there was an option. They needed to be there for their daughter as normal, happy parents. And it would be hard for her right now, with so many hormones swimming through her system, more so than normal. But she was willing to try, as if she hadn’t illustrated this already. She wondered if he really did know how much of her pride she was putting on the line by keeping this child, marrying him.
She wondered if he really comprehended that she was giving up her own life’s dream for him. It wasn’t like she couldn’t get an abortion or force herself to have miscarriage. It wouldn’t be very hard at all to get rid of this pregnancy and continue on with her schooling, finish university, go to America like she had always dreamed of doing. She was giving up everything she had been aspiring to for longer than she could remember, all for him, all for their child, and he couldn’t even be assed to say ‘please’. And he didn’t seem to understand that, no matter what he did, he could never possess her. She could give him her love and her loyalty, but those were her choices, and she would never allow herself to be owned.
…still. It was cold, and she didn’t want to be spending money on a hotel, and she didn’t want to have to explain to her brothers that she had gotten into another fight with Shikamaru. At the next intersection, she stopped and turned, walking much slower than she had to get to that point in the first place. She was anything but eager to be home.
With all the time he had to think, alone, without interruption, a lot of things crossed Shikamaru's mind; Temari, Hidan, the baby, and how fucked up this entire situation was. He wanted to have this child, he really did. No matter what, he would take care of her, love her, and nothing could ever change that, not even Temari leaving him would stop that from being true, and he would do whatever he could to make sure everything would be alright for them. But... he still wasn't happy. As much as he thought on this, he was kind of disappointed, and it sucked. It sucked hard, because he wanted to be happy, he told Temari he would be, and then she got her hopes up only to tell him and have him say nothing. Not a damn thing to reassure her he even wanted to father a child with her. This whole situation, it was just too troublesome. Now she probably thought he was going to run off on her with Kin and Tayuya or fuck her over some other way. She was now convinced he was just like the other guys she fucked, too, and he hated that. He loved her, and he tried to prove it, he tried to make her understand that he would never, ever leave her, no matter what happened between them, but failed. She could do anything she wanted, really, and he would take care of her, stay loyal, love her. She could fuck ten different guys a day, become a stripper or get on crack or some shit and he would still feel the same way. How the fuck did things turn out like this? How the hell could he fall in love with her? He had to really be messed up, there had to be something wrong with him. He and women didn't mix well to begin with, he hated them, they hated him, and somehow he ended up loving exactly the type he wanted to avoid even speaking to. She was terrible, horrible, worse than his mother, the woman he grew up convincing himself was the worst thing that could ever happen to a man.
Shoving his hands into his pockets, Shikamaru stepped off the sidewalk, about to cross the street, but stopped noticed Temari. He didn't know what the hell to say. I'm sorry probably would be best, and he was, but he wasn't sure if it would even change a damn thing. Fuck, he wasn't sure she would even talk to him, but he was going to try. She was pregnant, out this late, it was cold, and he just wanted to get her warm and comfortable, even if he wasn't there with her, because she probably didn't want to be. "Where're you going?" He asked quietly as he approached her, pulling his hands out oh his pockets and taking one of hers, sighing. "I'm sorry, Temari. We should go home, talk about this." He was pretty sure he knew what to say, and he didn't know about him, so maybe that wasn't the best idea either. Maybe it would just cause more problems, but something needed to be done, something needed to change.
Moments before she had even spotted him, Temari had pulled her hands from her coat pockets, reached into her jeans, and slipped the ring back onto her finger, but gave it no more attention than that. She couldn’t even really think it. She couldn’t think of leaving him or getting an abortion without a short pang of guilt. No matter how much this relationship or this pregnancy was hurting her, tearing her apart, reforming her into something she wasn’t, she just couldn’t contentedly imagine getting rid of it all, no matter how easy it would be. And yet still, something tugged at the back of her mind, reminding her of all the things that they would never get to do now, how intimate contact, including sex but not only that, would become less and less frequent as they had to take care of their child and settle down and work. She didn’t want to settle down, not really. She wanted to be able to throw her boyfriend onto the bed-or floor, or table, or whatever-and go wild. She wanted to be able to go out without having to tote around a stroller.
God, she really wasn’t ready for this child. The more she considered it, the more she realized…she really wasn’t.
She was in the middle of thinking how she was going to tell him when she spotted him. Her eyes met his face for barely a second before she averted her gaze back to the pavement. When he came over, she hardly listened to him. Something about going home. She just nodded slightly, and pulled her hand out of his, shoving it back into her pocket. She didn’t even know what to say to him, and she was all choked up.
She just wanted things to go back to the way they were.
She wouldn't even look at him, talk to him, listen to him. This wasn't good. This wasn't a normal, happy, healthy relationship, it never had been, and it never would be. Everything was happening so soon, too. Shikamaru didn't like fast. He liked taking his dear sweet time, he liked thinking things over as long as he had to, he liked having options, he liked having at least a little control over anything that happened. But now, everything was completely the opposite. Everything was so sudden, so fast, so unexpected, and he couldn't stand it. And as much as he didn't like doing the kinds of things teenagers usually did, as much as he already felt like an adult, he kind of felt like he couldn't do this. He would anyway, he would force himself, if he had to, but the way things were headed, it was beginning to look like neither he or Temari were ever going to be happy. Not with a kid, not with marriage. And he was scared to admit he didn't want this to happen. She would probably suggest something he didn't like, and he would get hysterical. So mentally, he told himself he didn't have a choice, he had to be ready, tried so hard to believe it.
"Temari..." his voice was low, because he wanted her relaxed, he wanted her calm. None of this, getting upset, the fighting, was good for her. Or the baby.
His tone was the icing on the cake. Regardless of who was watching, or how appropriate or inappropriate it was, she threw her arms around his shoulders and hugged him tight. She couldn’t stand this anymore, and how did he keep bringing her to breaking point like this? But it was understandable. He said he was ready. She thought she was ready. And now she was coming to the startling realization that this was something she couldn’t do. And when Temari couldn’t do something…it was practically the end of the world for her.
“Shika…I…” She choked on her words, holding him tightly, trying not to cry because she couldn’t do that again, the lump in her throat painful. “I can’t do this. I can’t be this kid’s mother. I’m just…I’m not fucking ready. I want more time with you, just me and you and not have to deal with a kid, I want to go places and have fun and go on dates and spend whole days just screwing you senseless until we can’t even do it anymore…I don’t want to be a mother.”
It all came gushing out once she got past the first word, and it was all out there in the open before she could really stop herself from saying anything it. So there it was, her rather painful admission that she couldn’t do something. Where they would go from there was just beyond her.
Hugging her back, not as tight as she had, Shikamaru sighed, running a hand along her back. He tried to think of something to say, but what could he do? He wasn't ready either, but he wanted this kid. He loved it, and it was part of his life now. Nothing would ever change that. He didn't want to use the other options, he didn't want to have it and give it up, he didn't want to abort it.
"I... I know." He finally muttered, shaking his head. "...I'll take care of her. If you want to leave, go ahead. If that's what you need to do..." She should just agree, nod and say yes, have the kid and let him raise it and go on about her life. And be fucking happy. He wasn't the right guy for her, he knew this, and he was trying to accept that. The way she treated him, the way she always threatened to leave, and on top of that, she didn't even trust him... she could go get a million other men, and be happy. The one thing he couldn't do for her, the one thing she needed. This was too much, even for her, all of it was, and he understood that. She had enough shit in her life, and she didn't need to keep getting fucked over like this. It would drive him crazy, but he needed to do it alone. She wasn't up to it, and he didn't want to see something happen that was immoral, wrong, and that they would both regret for the rest of their lives.
The idea of leaving him…still the age of a high school student…alone to raise their child…there was nothing she could do to stop sobbing right there on the street, her face pressed into the crook of his neck as her hands tried to grasp tighter at his jacket, numb from the cold. Because the only thought that came to mind was him having to deal with the up-all-nights and diaper changing and bottle feeding and teething and all those sorts of things, all alone. Of course he’d have Ino and Chouji and his parents to help him, but when it came down to it, would just him taking care of the kid in that scenario. That wasn’t right. A sixteen-year-old single father. She couldn’t bear the image, but she couldn’t shove it from her mind. And then that her daughter would grow up never knowing her mother’s face. The idea caused Temari to just sob louder. She couldn’t do that to any child, but her own? When she had gone through it herself? And what would be even worse would be that mommy was still alive and kicking.
“I can’t leave you,” she choked out, “I can’t, I won’t. Leaving you alone with the baby won’t do me any good, then I’ll have lost you and her. I can’t do that Shika, I can’t. I…I need you.”
It was a hard thing for Temari to not only admit that she couldn’t handle the responsibility that she’d brought upon herself, but to then admit, just a moment later, that she was dependent on him. And they weren’t even in private, and now people were watching on with a sort of vague curiosity.
"Temari." He pulled out of the hug, wiped her tears away, tried to comfort her, but just ended up wanting to cry himself. He didn't like this shit, and he hated what it did to her. The fact that his beautiful, brave, strong Temari was standing here sobbing, it killed him. It was overwhelming, and just proved how much this really was fucked up, and it wasn't going to be alright. Not as long as things stayed the same. He knew he could push her away, but he didn't want it to come to that. He wanted to be with her, but he also wanted her to be happy, and that wasn't going to happen as long as she stayed with him.
"Listen to me." He muttered under his breath, taking her face in his hands, exhaling. "You can't do this, babe. You can't. And I can. We can still be together, you can come and see her... we'll work something out." His attempts, he realized, could be futile, but then again, maybe it was just what Temari needed to hear; she couldn't do this. She wasn't the mother type, although he could see in about twenty years, her raising a family. But twenty years was a long time, people changed in twenty years. And he knew she was physically capable of doing this, as she was forced to practically raise her brothers, but she didn't have a choice. And he wanted her to have an option here, he meant everything he said. It would be hard, it would be troublesome, he knew this, but he could do it, and he would.
“No!” All she could do was protest, because there were only two ways that this could even function in her mind: if she left completely, or if she stayed completely. “Like it would fuck her up just to see her mom come and go, just like that? Like it wouldn’t fuck her up to hardly ever see her mother like that? What would you say to her when she asked why mommy doesn’t live at home, what would you say when she asked why mommy doesn’t ever stay? How would you even convince her that mommy loves her in a situation like that? And I can’t be with you, but not be there! God, think about it! It doesn’t work like that!”
It was all so absurd, and it was making her sick. Her knees felt like they were going to buckle underneath her. When she ran out of tears to cry, she just sobbed instead, hugging him tighter still.
“I need to be with you,” she said softly, sniffling as she slackened her grip just a bit, so as not to strangle him. “I can’t leave you to raise her alone. That’s no good for her…and it’s no good for me. It makes me want to throw up just thinking about leaving all that responsibility on you, when you’d still have to work…I can’t…I can’t do that to you, and I can’t do that to her.”
Hugging her back, Shikamaru had to wonder why the hell he thought anything he said even mattered anymore. Temari wasn't listening, she was retaliating. Not that he could blame her. What she said made sense, too, that was the worst thing about it. "Temari, you said yourself you aren't ready. We don't have options, here. I'm not making you do this. And it would be a lot better for her than a lot of families have. I just... God, I don't know." And he really, really didn't. Stroking her hair now, he looked away, stared off at nothing in particular, wishing there was an easy way to solve all of their problems, wishing a lot of things, and wondering how in the hell it had come to this. They were kids once, teasing, picking on eachother. He hated it then, he thought he hated her, and he just missed it now. Those memories, they were a lot better than reality sometimes, and that wasn't right. How the hell did they go from that to what they were now? Really, it was a puzzling thought. Three years ago, he would have never been able to imagine something this bizarre, so different. It almost didn't seem real, in a way. They were engaged, they had a kid on the way, they fucking committed a murder together. And the thing he never, ever thought would happen... they were actually in love. It did all seem like something you could just dream up one night, like a nightmare or something. Only it wasn't. And it wasn't bad all the time. If it was, this would all be a lot simpler. If they really hated eachother, they could just move on and be happy. Hating her, her hating him. He could definitely deal with that.
Breathing in deeply as most of the sobs subsided, although a few still wracked her body, entirely out of her control, she shook her head. She didn’t really know either. The one thing she did know was that she couldn’t abandon her husband and child like that, to run off and have fun.
“Shika,” she said softly, leaning into him for support, but letting her grip slacken a little more. “I’d do anything for you, I would. But you can’t ask me to let you raise her alone. Because I can’t see you asking me to be absolutely miserable.” She sighed again to collect her thoughts a little more. “Just because I’m not ready doesn’t mean I’m going to bail out on you. It’s my child too, and besides…seven months is still a long time. I just…every day that I couldn’t see you or hold you, knowing how hard it would be for you to take care of an infant alone…every day that I couldn’t see our baby’s face…I couldn’t stand it. I’d be worse off than I am now. Sure it’ll be hard to raise her, maybe more for me than you, but it’s the best option there is left to me. Please don’t ask me to let you raise her alone.”
"I'm not." Shikamaru responded, letting go of her again, holding her back by the shoulders so he could see her face. "I'm asking you to do whatever you need to do. And I need you to understand if you stay, you're going to have a real kid. A human being, Tem. You'll be responsible for her, she'll need constant watch and care, she'll need more attention than your fucking ferret or my cat. A child is a very demanding responsibility, not only physically, but emotionally. And I don't think you can handle it. I know you'd try, I know you would do your best, but... you're not mentally ready for this. And I don't want you to go, I want to be with you, forever. I love you, but this is just going to mess you up or something. Before you agree, I just need you to think this over and make sure you're absolutely sure." He tried to make sense, he really did, and he hoped she could just understand all that. Even thinking of life without her, it hurt, and he knew he would be miserable if it were ever to happen, but this also needed to change. They needed to figure something out.
Temari tried to looked into his eyes, but found it too difficult, and averted her eyes a few seconds later. Wrapping her arms around herself, she bit her lip, pondered her response. It wasn’t that she couldn’t take care of a baby. That she could handle. It was just…giving all this up…
“It’s not that, I can take care of her physically…emotionally…but, hun, your life’s plan just changed a little, that’s all…mine…mine went up in smoke. I’m just scared. Now I have to change every little detail I ever planned on but…”
She paused a moment, swallowing hard, wondering what she could say to convince him, how she could say it. Because the only option she had seemed less like and option and more like a necessity. She needed to be there for her child, no question about it.
“Seeing my little girl grow up without me? That’s going to fuck me up more than anything would. We can get therapy, parenting classes, have your mom watch her if I need a day off if it really comes down to it, but I need to be there for her. You know I grew up without my mother. You think I could ever do that to her? It’s not an option for me anymore, I can’t leave the two of you alone, even if it’s just for a couple years.”
"You don't say something unless you mean it, Temari. We both know what, and when you say you aren't ready, that you can't do this... it's because you can't. If there was some way to handle this, to make it all better, you know I'd suggest it, but..." He sighed, taking her hands in his, looking them over as if they were the most interesting thing in the world, and didn't look back up. "We can't do this." He finally muttered, shaking his head slightly. "I mean..." He let go of her hands, taking a step back, glancing at her. "I love you, Temari, and I want to be with you. I'll love the kid, I want to marry you someday, this isn't what I planned, but I know I can handle it. You can't. You're just doing this, agreeing to stay, because you didn't have a mother, because you love me or whatever? Lots of kids don't have moms, but they still have a dad. And she'll have me, so it'll be different. Besides, you could love another guy. It wouldn't be hard. And you should... if your plan meant that much to you, finish school, go to America, do whatever the hell you want. When you come back, I'll have been waiting for you, and you can come back whenever you're ready."
She couldn’t believe he was still saying this. Sure, she realized that she wasn’t ready for this, but that doesn’t mean they couldn’t take steps to ensure that she would be ready the baby actually came. She hadn’t expected him to blow it out of proportion like this, and despite having just be bawling, her eyes still red, she finally looked up at him, glaring.
“No.” Her tone still held a lot of her sadness but a lot more darkness than it had a moment ago. “I am not leaving you and I am not leaving my baby. I love you both, and you can’t ask me to leave you. What the hell sort of person do you think I am, to just abandon my child like that, to go off and have fun? I wouldn’t even be able to have fun, thinking of my girl growing up without me! It doesn’t work that way and you know it. If I’m not there, she will never see me as her mother. Is that what you want? Do you want me to suffer, every single day, for the rest of my life, knowing I let my daughter down?”
She yanked her hands from his again. She really did feel like she was going to be sick, and her fingers were numb. She needed to get home right away.
“I might not be ready right now, but I’ll be damned if I don’t do everything in my power to get ready, and to take care of her. You watch, I’ll be the best damned mother any kid ever had.”
Without another word, she began stalking off down the street, back towards the apartment. She needed a nice warm bath right about then.
Sighing again, Shikamaru started after Temari, keeping his distance from her so he could have a smoke on the way back, because fuck, he really felt like he needed it right now. That, and a drink. God did he need a fucking drink. He didn't say anything else, though. She was right, she was always right, he was wrong, and what she said went. He couldn't give his input or opinion because she was bound to beat it down, and she could, even with a single glance. She didn't even need to respond, she didn't need to yell. He just felt like what he said needed saying. She told him she wasn't ready, that she didn't want the kid.. what the fuck did she expect him to do? Just say "okay, but you're doing it anyway" it seemed. She was always sending him mixed signals, too. And it was fucking confusing. She wanted him to keep his mouth shut, yet she wanted him to talk to her, she wanted him to go harder, she wanted him to slow down, he wasn't allowed to tell her what he thought should go, but after a few days of doing every single thing she told him, she would probably be bitching about that. As much as it bothered him, though, it was Temari, and he loved it. He loved everything about her, including her stupid, crazy mixed signals.
Arriving back at the apartment, Temari made no hesitation in throwing off her jacket, peeling off her clothes, an getting back into her pajamas, before curling up under the covers. She wasn’t mad at him in particular, although she was offended that he assumed that she could just abandon her family like that. She wasn’t going to just shirk on her responsibility because she decided that she wanted to have a little more fun in life. That wasn’t her choice to make anymore. She’d given up that option when she’d engaged in risky, unprotected sex, at her own insistence. But despite that, she really hoped he’d come lay down with her, unable to find the words or energy to summon him to the bed.
She really did want to take care of her child. She didn’t want to be a mother. She just wasn’t ready to be giving everything up. Maybe she’d worded things wrong, with the way he reacted. She just needed time to come to grips with things. He just needed to understand what she was feeling, otherwise they would just keep fighting. She didn’t want to hide things from him then yell at him because of it, because that simply wasn’t fair to him. But in trying to be honest, she’d caused this. Her honesty always got her in trouble, it seemed, but she couldn’t seem to stop when it came to him.
Pulling his own jacket off, tossing it somewhere in the living room, Shikamaru stood there for a second, thought on this, before he realized it wasn't changing a damn thing. Thinking, what did it ever help. He was such an idiot for even trying to reason with her, and maybe he wouldn't anymore. He was tired, physically, emotionally, in every sense of the word, he was exhausted. And he just couldn't do this anymore, to him, to her, to that little baby inside her. It wasn't right, and if he had a say in this, at least, it wasn't happening anymore. They should be happy, and there had to be one fucking thing that could make them that way. He just needed to find out what the hell it was, because apparently, being in love was not enough in the end.
Finally joining Temari in the bedroom, Shikamaru stripped his shirt away again, took his shoes off, and approached the bed, getting in beside her, getting under the covers as-well. He didn't say anything, because he didn't want to hurt her more, upset her. He just wanted to hug her, hold her, tell her things were going to be okay, although he was beginning to doubt it himself. "I'm sorry." He finally muttered, almost in a whisper, as if she was asleep already, and reached down, running his fingers through her hair.
With another deep sigh-really, how many was that tonight?-Temari shifted closer to him, letting one arm come to hang around his waist.
“I’m sorry too,” she replied, just as quietly. They’d figure something out, of course. That was how they were. They were both stubborn, and she wasn’t one to just give up. Of course she’d do everything to prepare herself, and with all the emotional factors included, and the fact that she’d be the one going through this pregnancy, she was going to make it work. She couldn’t even think of abandoning them without feeling sick. She needed to make sure he knew this, though. “I don’t know what you thought I meant when I said I wasn’t ready, but…I still want to have this child with you and get married. I’m just…not ready to be giving up the things we could have done, but tough shit, I’ll have to.”
"I don't know what the hell I thought you meant, either." Shikamaru muttered, running a hand down Temari's cheek, moving it to her chin, tilting her face upward, and leaned down to kiss her. Gently removing her arm from its place around his waist, he laid down with her, wrapping his own arms around her shoulders. "And I know, babe. I was being an idiot." Laying here with her, looking in her eyes like this... it felt so right. No matter what happened between them, no matter how much they argued, no matter what was done or said during, at the end of the day, it somehow all didn't seem real. It was like it never even happened. Not that everything was okay in any sense of the word. He was still hurt, and he was pretty certain she was damaged, too. But still, they always seemed to have their own strange way of reconciling, and for that, he was grateful.
Smiling into their kiss, Temari gave one last sigh-more happy than anything-and cuddled up close again as hey lay with her. She didn’t like it when they fought, she hated it when he was angry, and all she wanted to do was get along, love him, prepare herself for this burden.
“If you’re and idiot, what am I?” she murmured joking, her tone much lighter than it had been all night. “Well, definitely not your bitch, that’s for sure.”
She laughed quietly to show that she was just kidding, because she didn’t want to end up fighting again. That was the last thing she needed. But everything else that she needed? She had here and now. She had warmth, a roof over her head, food in the kitchen, the love her life and father of her baby lying next to her, and supportive friends and family if she needed them. Really, she couldn’t have asked for a whole lot more.