It’s been a crazy couple of weeks. In case you aren’t aware, I’ve been spending the better part of the past few weeks preparing to become the new Pope of the Catholic Church. How’ve I been doing this? I’ve been secretly studying to join the Jewish faith. Meshuga, I know! But let me explain ( Read more... )

Struck down in the prime of my existence, the life drained from my face, I have felt Death’s cold hand upon my shoulder. That’s right, I contracted the potentially deadly influenza virus ( Read more... )

Renovate or Detonate (Channel Nine, 7:30pm Tuesdays) purports to have a simple premise: take a Jamie Durie and some of Channel Nine's B grade team to a battler’s house and blow it up. But for all the high explosives and reigning-in of Scott Cam with electric cattle prods, there is a writer; a lonely hapless soul who sits in the dark on the weekend ( Read more... )

I’ve just come inside from the Australia Day fundraising concert I’m holding in the backyard for my new charity - The ATO Can’t Tsu (na) Me Charity. The (na) fragment is meant to be silent, thus making it a joke suggesting the Australian Tax Office can’t sue me. I’m not sure it requires this much explanation. Still, as it was suggested by the work ( Read more... )

The gentlemen and ladies from the office decided to spend some time with the people this week, and grace the local drinking establishment with our presence for a few quiet ales and game of billiards ( Read more... )

The year is approaching denouement; a realisation of effort by the Sun, Moon and Earth, obeying the laws of gravity and therefore continuing the space/time continuum (as if there was any alternative). With this in mind and a fruity Mount Mary Quintet Cabernet Sauvignon in hand, please forgive my indulgence and read with interest 2004 in retrospect ( Read more... )

Dear Producers of Australian Idol ( Read more... )

It’s six weeks away and already I’m sick of hearing those bloody Christmas songs. The Man continues to pollute our aural environment every year with the same musical effluent. The only relief comes from those bizarre Christmas novelty songs that don’t-get-old-quickly-at-all, but they’re even recycling those this year. Bob Geldof has much to answer ( Read more... )

From: Saddam H
Sent: Thursday, November 5 2004 9:50PM
To: George W
CC: Rupert ; Tony ; Sharon ; Osama ;
Subject: The Rouse
Dear George ( Read more... )

It started as an innocent vote. “Five minutes before voting lines close, Australia,” spruiked Andrew G. “Why not? I’ve got credit to burn,” I thought. A simple text message, a vote, a name, 55 cents and my soul was sold. But it didn’t end there. I’ve been obsessing about the contestants, the judges, the hosts, and the overly excitable audiences. ( Read more... )