Without Words 1/4
Title: Without Words
Part: 1/4
Beta: snowqueenofhoth (Thank you!♥)
Characters: Nikaido Takashi, Senga Kento
Genre: friendship, angst
Rating: G
Summary: When Senga falls ill, Nikaido is determined to help his best friend. But how is it possible to live normally when one can't walk or even talk?
A/N: I came up with the idea for the fic when watching Mr.Brain’s third episode (the one where Kame appears). For this fic I read dozens of articles and watched videos for background information plus there’s my own experience as a relative included in between the lines, too.
- - -
Nikaido closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he stepped inside after a middle-aged nurse. The hospital room smelled the same as the disinfectant gel he had washed his hands with, and it made his head ache. The lights were too bright and made the whiteness of the room even more blinding.
He hated the room but it was nothing compared to how it felt to see Senga there. It was a hundred times worse than he had imagined.
There were six beds and each of them belonged to someone. Some of the patients were sleeping, two had visitors with them. Senga’s bed was the furthest one on the left side of the room, the one that was next to the window. There he was, supported by pillows in a half-sitting position in his bed and absent-mindedly leafing through some magazine.
“It’s okay. Just go ahead,” the nurse said, smiling gently, and Nikaido took some unsure steps towards his best friend.
It was a relief to finally see him awake. Senga was as alive as he had been two weeks ago. However, Nikaido knew the sight was betraying him. He had understood that much from his mother’s phone call with Senga’s mother. He knew something was badly wrong.
The white bandages around Senga’s head were almost like a helmet but unlike helmets usually this one made him look smaller and weaker, somehow more vulnerable than Nikaido had ever seen him being. As if those bandages were the reason he had to stay in the hospital.
Slowly, step by step, Nikaido walked to Senga’s bed. There was a free chair on the other side, but he didn’t want to sit.
“Er… Hi.”
Senga turned the page of the magazine as if he had heard nothing even though Nikaido was sure his voice had been loud enough. Shocked, he looked at the nurse who shook her head.
“You’re on the wrong side. Walk around the bed and try again. He’ll probably hear you then, even though he seems to be very concentrated on those pictures. He's been very well today so he might even recognize you if you're lucky.”
He might? What was that supposed to mean?
Nikaido frowned but he did as he was told to and moved to the window side of the bed. When he was standing on the other side, he coughed a bit before talking again.
“Senga?” Can you hear me, Kenpi?
Senga looked up at him in surprise as if Nikaido had just suddenly appeared there from nowhere. Nikaido’s horror his face stayed surprised and questioning. So this was what the nurse had meant?
“Hey, where are your manners? Aren’t you going to say hi to me?” he asked jokingly and grimaced at the other but that didn’t work at all like he had intended. Instead of laughing and greeting him Senga looked away with an anguished look on his face.
“Senga? Hey, what’s wrong? Are you still hurt somewhere?”
“No one has told you anything?” the nurse was clearly surprised but then she came closer to the bed and looked at Senga.
“Is it okay if I explain to him?” she asked, articulating very slowly and clearly.
Nikaido looked at her and frowned. He didn’t understand anything at all and he was starting to get annoyed.
“No one has told me what?” he demanded loudly. He immediately regretted it when he saw how Senga’s eyes got a bit watery as he nodded silently to the nurse.
“Sit down and don’t raise your voice, please, it probably scares him,” she said and again Nikaido did as he was told. Senga kept staring at his blanket in a way that made Nikaido feel horrible.
“You know about the accident, don’t you?” the nurse asked, and Nikaido made a small noise of agreement. Two weeks ago while coming home from his dance lesson Senga had suddenly fallen off his bike because of some kind of fit. That was all he knew.
“Why’s he so quiet? Isn’t he allowed to speak before he gets well? How long will it take?” Nikaido asked but the nurse raised her hand as a sign that he should listen.
“This condition of his is called aphasia. Have you ever heard of such thing?” she asked and nodded when Nikaido shook his head silently.
“No wonder; few people have unless one of their relatives or friends get it. Aphasia is an acquired communication disorder that impairs a person's ability to process language but does not affect intelligence. In other words, he understands what you say but he can’t answer you. This was caused by a mild stroke in his brain--”
“But isn’t that something that only happen to old people,” Nikaido blurted out the question that had been circulating in his head since he had heard about the stroke.
“Usually, yes, but not always. It’s possible for young people to suffer strokes as well,” the nurse said patiently, “When someone has a stroke their brain can’t get enough blood, which usually leads to various damage in the brain depending of which blood vessels were blocked. The stroke in your friend’s brain was on the left side close to one of the areas that control his speech production. As I said, he understands what you say but he is not able to form the words that he could answer you with.”
“So it’s like being mute? Can it be cured?” Nikaido asked but the nurse shook her head.
“No, it’s not the same as being mute even though it might seem like that in the beginning. We can’t guarantee that he will ever again talk like he used to but usually the situation can be improved with proper speech therapy. Of course each patient has their individual damages and possibilities. We’ll just have to hope for the best.”
Nikaido nodded. He didn’t know what to say. He had a question but he was too afraid to hear the answer.
“What about... Does he really not know who I am?” he asked. His voice was thin as if it might fade off in any moment.
The nurse observed Senga for a long time. Then she crouched down so that she could see Senga’s face even though he was still staring at his blanket.
“Senga, you have a guest here. Do you know him?”
Nikaido waited for him to answer. He wanted Senga to nod or say yes or anything else that would prove Senga could still recognize him. But the young man didn’t move an inch. He barely blinked his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” the nurse finally said and shook her head, “It seems like he can’t either remember or recognize you. But don’t worry,” she quickly added as she saw Nikaido’s face, “that’s common in this kind of situation and it usually gets better in less than a couple of weeks.”
Nikaido suddenly felt like he was freezing. His skin rose goose bumps and his hands started to shake.
There was too much information to understand at once. He couldn’t believe it was real. Maybe he was just sleeping and having an awful dream. At the same time he knew it was anything but a dream. It was more like a real-life nightmare.
Senga didn’t speak at all and didn’t even know his best friend. Hell, he was goddamn twenty-one and he had to be hospitalized because of some stupid sickness that usually tortured people who were four times as old!
Why did it have to be Senga?
Life was so fucking unfair. Nikaido bit his teeth angrily, trying to calm his breathing again. He had already made his best friend upset once and he didn’t want to make everything even worse.
He should not show the younger man how it felt to see him like this. He had to be strong now.
“Is there something... anything I can do?” he finally asked when he thought he could keep his voice from shaking, and looked at the nurse pleadingly.
“There is. Visit him. Keep talking to him. Don’t leave him to suffer this alone. Support him. His mother told me you two are close friends, right? There are some things he can’t do but in every other way he is still the same person he was before the accident. He still understands the meaning of friendly actions. Just treat him like you’ve always done, that’s the best you can do.”
“I promise,” Nikaido said quietly and the nurse nodded approvingly.
“That’s good to hear. Now, I have to go. If you need something, just call me,” she said, aiming her last words at Senga, and smiled when Senga nodded back slowly.
When the nurse had left, Nikaido turned to look at Senga apologetically.
“Look, I’m sorry. I... I didn’t know,” he whispered. He didn’t trust his voice enough anymore. “I’m so sorry.”
Senga turned to look at him. He frowned and opened his mouth a bit as if he was trying to say something but as a few seconds passed and he couldn’t get the words out he just shook his head sadly.
Nikaido sighed and tried to smile at him, and then they were quiet for a long time. The older man felt as wordless as the younger one really was.
“What is it like?” he finally asked, but the only answer he got was a blank stare. Nikaido didn’t know that not only Senga’s ability to produce words was gone but also his ability to express things with nonverbal language was quite limited.
“Oh... Okay. Well... Can you write?” The younger man shook his head. “Can you read?” Senga shrugged. “Is that a yes or a no?” Another shrug.
They didn’t really get far with that. Soon Senga got tired of trying to communicate with a person he didn’t even know and then he just lay there, listening to everything Nikaido told him. Nikaido wasn’t really sure what to say so he kept talking about normal everyday things such as work and family. When Nikaido told him about his dogs and their pranks the corner of Senga’s mouth twisted a bit but that was pretty much everything.
“I guess I’m totally tiring you already,” Nikaido finally sighed when he noticed the fourth time that Senga’s gaze was wandering around the room instead of just concentrating on him.
“Hey, are you listening?” Nikaido asked with a bit louder voice, and waited until Senga looked at him again. “I’m afraid I should go now,” Nikaido said, stood up and took his jacket from the arm of his chair. But before he had time to do anything else Senga reached out his hand and grabbed hold of his wrist.
For a moment Nikaido felt his breath catching. Did Senga know him, after all?
“Kenpi?” he whispered hopefully. Senga flinched when hearing his nickname and after that he looked, if possible, even more insecure and confused.
Senga might be unable to speak but he was still Nikaido’s best friend and with one look at the other’s eyes Nikaido could easily tell that Senga was feeling upset and scared even though he might not even know the reason himself. The look on Senga’s face hurt him but it also made him want to protect the young man from such feelings. Nikaido didn’t want Senga to be scared or sad.
“I’ll come back. I promise,” Nikaido promised with a reassuring smile. After a moment Senga nodded and let his wrist go.
“Tomorrow, okay?”
A silent nod.
“Great, I’ll be here in the afternoon, then!” Nikaido said happily and waved his hand at Senga who looked at him sadly and then after a moment pressed his head back on the pillow, closing his eyes for a little nap.
The corridors of the hospital were too long and the elevator was painfully slow but finally, in the hospital garden, Nikaido found a bench that was distant enough from other people. He sat on the bench and stared at the ground for a while. It was difficult to swallow as if there was a huge piece of something bitter stuck in his throat. He tried to think about nothing but he couldn’t stop his mind that kept bringing up pictures of Senga lying in the white hospital bed, head tied with tight bandages.
The first accidental sob surprised him; he didn’t remember the last time he had cried. Yet he couldn’t stop the second sob that followed the first. The third one broke the dam when all the fear and worrying of the past weeks came out as salty water and desperate sobs.
Nikaido felt so damn tiny and helpless that it hurt. It felt like his whole life had changed in sixteen days, and the thought was frightening. Furthermore, it was also embarrassing. How on earth he could even think about his own life now? He could only imagine how hard it had to be for Senga right at the moment.
Nikaido pressed his face to his hands. He had missed Senga; his smile, his presence and his laughter. What if he could never hear Senga’s voice anymore? What if... What if Senga would never again remember a person named Nikaido Takashi?
It was too much. Nikaido didn’t want to think about it. He allowed himself to cry but forced his mind to think about nothing.
Eventually his tears dried and he stopped shaking. Nikaido sat there in the garden for almost an hour and just stared at the flower bed in front of him. Thinking about nothing didn’t seem to work. Even when he finally stood up his head was still full of thoughts.
Instead, for some reason, what felt empty was his heart.
- - -
Part 2
Part: 1/4
Beta: snowqueenofhoth (Thank you!♥)
Characters: Nikaido Takashi, Senga Kento
Genre: friendship, angst
Rating: G
Summary: When Senga falls ill, Nikaido is determined to help his best friend. But how is it possible to live normally when one can't walk or even talk?
A/N: I came up with the idea for the fic when watching Mr.Brain’s third episode (the one where Kame appears). For this fic I read dozens of articles and watched videos for background information plus there’s my own experience as a relative included in between the lines, too.
- - -
Nikaido closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he stepped inside after a middle-aged nurse. The hospital room smelled the same as the disinfectant gel he had washed his hands with, and it made his head ache. The lights were too bright and made the whiteness of the room even more blinding.
He hated the room but it was nothing compared to how it felt to see Senga there. It was a hundred times worse than he had imagined.
There were six beds and each of them belonged to someone. Some of the patients were sleeping, two had visitors with them. Senga’s bed was the furthest one on the left side of the room, the one that was next to the window. There he was, supported by pillows in a half-sitting position in his bed and absent-mindedly leafing through some magazine.
“It’s okay. Just go ahead,” the nurse said, smiling gently, and Nikaido took some unsure steps towards his best friend.
It was a relief to finally see him awake. Senga was as alive as he had been two weeks ago. However, Nikaido knew the sight was betraying him. He had understood that much from his mother’s phone call with Senga’s mother. He knew something was badly wrong.
The white bandages around Senga’s head were almost like a helmet but unlike helmets usually this one made him look smaller and weaker, somehow more vulnerable than Nikaido had ever seen him being. As if those bandages were the reason he had to stay in the hospital.
Slowly, step by step, Nikaido walked to Senga’s bed. There was a free chair on the other side, but he didn’t want to sit.
“Er… Hi.”
Senga turned the page of the magazine as if he had heard nothing even though Nikaido was sure his voice had been loud enough. Shocked, he looked at the nurse who shook her head.
“You’re on the wrong side. Walk around the bed and try again. He’ll probably hear you then, even though he seems to be very concentrated on those pictures. He's been very well today so he might even recognize you if you're lucky.”
He might? What was that supposed to mean?
Nikaido frowned but he did as he was told to and moved to the window side of the bed. When he was standing on the other side, he coughed a bit before talking again.
“Senga?” Can you hear me, Kenpi?
Senga looked up at him in surprise as if Nikaido had just suddenly appeared there from nowhere. Nikaido’s horror his face stayed surprised and questioning. So this was what the nurse had meant?
“Hey, where are your manners? Aren’t you going to say hi to me?” he asked jokingly and grimaced at the other but that didn’t work at all like he had intended. Instead of laughing and greeting him Senga looked away with an anguished look on his face.
“Senga? Hey, what’s wrong? Are you still hurt somewhere?”
“No one has told you anything?” the nurse was clearly surprised but then she came closer to the bed and looked at Senga.
“Is it okay if I explain to him?” she asked, articulating very slowly and clearly.
Nikaido looked at her and frowned. He didn’t understand anything at all and he was starting to get annoyed.
“No one has told me what?” he demanded loudly. He immediately regretted it when he saw how Senga’s eyes got a bit watery as he nodded silently to the nurse.
“Sit down and don’t raise your voice, please, it probably scares him,” she said and again Nikaido did as he was told. Senga kept staring at his blanket in a way that made Nikaido feel horrible.
“You know about the accident, don’t you?” the nurse asked, and Nikaido made a small noise of agreement. Two weeks ago while coming home from his dance lesson Senga had suddenly fallen off his bike because of some kind of fit. That was all he knew.
“Why’s he so quiet? Isn’t he allowed to speak before he gets well? How long will it take?” Nikaido asked but the nurse raised her hand as a sign that he should listen.
“This condition of his is called aphasia. Have you ever heard of such thing?” she asked and nodded when Nikaido shook his head silently.
“No wonder; few people have unless one of their relatives or friends get it. Aphasia is an acquired communication disorder that impairs a person's ability to process language but does not affect intelligence. In other words, he understands what you say but he can’t answer you. This was caused by a mild stroke in his brain--”
“But isn’t that something that only happen to old people,” Nikaido blurted out the question that had been circulating in his head since he had heard about the stroke.
“Usually, yes, but not always. It’s possible for young people to suffer strokes as well,” the nurse said patiently, “When someone has a stroke their brain can’t get enough blood, which usually leads to various damage in the brain depending of which blood vessels were blocked. The stroke in your friend’s brain was on the left side close to one of the areas that control his speech production. As I said, he understands what you say but he is not able to form the words that he could answer you with.”
“So it’s like being mute? Can it be cured?” Nikaido asked but the nurse shook her head.
“No, it’s not the same as being mute even though it might seem like that in the beginning. We can’t guarantee that he will ever again talk like he used to but usually the situation can be improved with proper speech therapy. Of course each patient has their individual damages and possibilities. We’ll just have to hope for the best.”
Nikaido nodded. He didn’t know what to say. He had a question but he was too afraid to hear the answer.
“What about... Does he really not know who I am?” he asked. His voice was thin as if it might fade off in any moment.
The nurse observed Senga for a long time. Then she crouched down so that she could see Senga’s face even though he was still staring at his blanket.
“Senga, you have a guest here. Do you know him?”
Nikaido waited for him to answer. He wanted Senga to nod or say yes or anything else that would prove Senga could still recognize him. But the young man didn’t move an inch. He barely blinked his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” the nurse finally said and shook her head, “It seems like he can’t either remember or recognize you. But don’t worry,” she quickly added as she saw Nikaido’s face, “that’s common in this kind of situation and it usually gets better in less than a couple of weeks.”
Nikaido suddenly felt like he was freezing. His skin rose goose bumps and his hands started to shake.
There was too much information to understand at once. He couldn’t believe it was real. Maybe he was just sleeping and having an awful dream. At the same time he knew it was anything but a dream. It was more like a real-life nightmare.
Senga didn’t speak at all and didn’t even know his best friend. Hell, he was goddamn twenty-one and he had to be hospitalized because of some stupid sickness that usually tortured people who were four times as old!
Why did it have to be Senga?
Life was so fucking unfair. Nikaido bit his teeth angrily, trying to calm his breathing again. He had already made his best friend upset once and he didn’t want to make everything even worse.
He should not show the younger man how it felt to see him like this. He had to be strong now.
“Is there something... anything I can do?” he finally asked when he thought he could keep his voice from shaking, and looked at the nurse pleadingly.
“There is. Visit him. Keep talking to him. Don’t leave him to suffer this alone. Support him. His mother told me you two are close friends, right? There are some things he can’t do but in every other way he is still the same person he was before the accident. He still understands the meaning of friendly actions. Just treat him like you’ve always done, that’s the best you can do.”
“I promise,” Nikaido said quietly and the nurse nodded approvingly.
“That’s good to hear. Now, I have to go. If you need something, just call me,” she said, aiming her last words at Senga, and smiled when Senga nodded back slowly.
When the nurse had left, Nikaido turned to look at Senga apologetically.
“Look, I’m sorry. I... I didn’t know,” he whispered. He didn’t trust his voice enough anymore. “I’m so sorry.”
Senga turned to look at him. He frowned and opened his mouth a bit as if he was trying to say something but as a few seconds passed and he couldn’t get the words out he just shook his head sadly.
Nikaido sighed and tried to smile at him, and then they were quiet for a long time. The older man felt as wordless as the younger one really was.
“What is it like?” he finally asked, but the only answer he got was a blank stare. Nikaido didn’t know that not only Senga’s ability to produce words was gone but also his ability to express things with nonverbal language was quite limited.
“Oh... Okay. Well... Can you write?” The younger man shook his head. “Can you read?” Senga shrugged. “Is that a yes or a no?” Another shrug.
They didn’t really get far with that. Soon Senga got tired of trying to communicate with a person he didn’t even know and then he just lay there, listening to everything Nikaido told him. Nikaido wasn’t really sure what to say so he kept talking about normal everyday things such as work and family. When Nikaido told him about his dogs and their pranks the corner of Senga’s mouth twisted a bit but that was pretty much everything.
“I guess I’m totally tiring you already,” Nikaido finally sighed when he noticed the fourth time that Senga’s gaze was wandering around the room instead of just concentrating on him.
“Hey, are you listening?” Nikaido asked with a bit louder voice, and waited until Senga looked at him again. “I’m afraid I should go now,” Nikaido said, stood up and took his jacket from the arm of his chair. But before he had time to do anything else Senga reached out his hand and grabbed hold of his wrist.
For a moment Nikaido felt his breath catching. Did Senga know him, after all?
“Kenpi?” he whispered hopefully. Senga flinched when hearing his nickname and after that he looked, if possible, even more insecure and confused.
Senga might be unable to speak but he was still Nikaido’s best friend and with one look at the other’s eyes Nikaido could easily tell that Senga was feeling upset and scared even though he might not even know the reason himself. The look on Senga’s face hurt him but it also made him want to protect the young man from such feelings. Nikaido didn’t want Senga to be scared or sad.
“I’ll come back. I promise,” Nikaido promised with a reassuring smile. After a moment Senga nodded and let his wrist go.
“Tomorrow, okay?”
A silent nod.
“Great, I’ll be here in the afternoon, then!” Nikaido said happily and waved his hand at Senga who looked at him sadly and then after a moment pressed his head back on the pillow, closing his eyes for a little nap.
The corridors of the hospital were too long and the elevator was painfully slow but finally, in the hospital garden, Nikaido found a bench that was distant enough from other people. He sat on the bench and stared at the ground for a while. It was difficult to swallow as if there was a huge piece of something bitter stuck in his throat. He tried to think about nothing but he couldn’t stop his mind that kept bringing up pictures of Senga lying in the white hospital bed, head tied with tight bandages.
The first accidental sob surprised him; he didn’t remember the last time he had cried. Yet he couldn’t stop the second sob that followed the first. The third one broke the dam when all the fear and worrying of the past weeks came out as salty water and desperate sobs.
Nikaido felt so damn tiny and helpless that it hurt. It felt like his whole life had changed in sixteen days, and the thought was frightening. Furthermore, it was also embarrassing. How on earth he could even think about his own life now? He could only imagine how hard it had to be for Senga right at the moment.
Nikaido pressed his face to his hands. He had missed Senga; his smile, his presence and his laughter. What if he could never hear Senga’s voice anymore? What if... What if Senga would never again remember a person named Nikaido Takashi?
It was too much. Nikaido didn’t want to think about it. He allowed himself to cry but forced his mind to think about nothing.
Eventually his tears dried and he stopped shaking. Nikaido sat there in the garden for almost an hour and just stared at the flower bed in front of him. Thinking about nothing didn’t seem to work. Even when he finally stood up his head was still full of thoughts.
Instead, for some reason, what felt empty was his heart.
- - -
Part 2