Clouded sky lately
Hi everyone! How are you? I'm really sorry for being "dead" for such a long time. Many things happened, and I'm very tired of everything lately.
This post will be very personal, but feel free to read, if there's still anyone here xD
I know I'm emotionally complicated person and tend to overdramatize everything. I was making a huge deal about everything in the past, being depressed about stupid things. That's just how I am, and even though the reasons were stupid, they still hurt like a bitch.
But lately things got much much worse. As if the weather knew, it has been raining all week or even longer. Last week I acquired a new sister. Obviously, my mom is too old to have a baby. No, it was my beloved daddy that told mom at 3 am that he's going to hospital, because his "exgirlfriend" was giving birth to his child. Yeah. Like that, out of nowhere. Many things were shattered that night, yeah.
Well, we are not stupid, my (older ._.) sis and me. We saw ages ago that the relationship between dad and mom is getting pretty rusty. They were trying to save the relationship for the sake of our family, both of them had an affair (but mom was the only one who ended it, it seems ><), and I often thought that it wasn't a good thing to keep going, that it would be easier for us all (and for the atmosphere in the family) to just part. But no, they kept going, so one would say they were both having such strong morals and treasure family above everything else. I really wonder what was going on in his mind. He must had known for months already about that, and also that the woman was planning to keep the baby.
Anyway, I'm not a kid. I know relationships come and go, and sometimes you just meet someone who blows your mind. I can easily forgive him that this "someone" isn't my mom anymore. (If it's in my place to forgive him. But it probably is, I got hurt too.) I also think that I'm a fairly mentally strong woman. I've been putting up with some health shit all the time, and I fairly believe that if I learned that I have a cancer for exaple (please god no xD), I'd be probably just "well, let's do my best" without further ado about it. I also remember supporting mom and sis and once even dad when they were sad.
However, there's something I can't forgive dad for. I leave out hurting mom so much, for me and my sis as his daughters there's one much more tragic thing than their relationship breaking apart. It's the way he was acting all the time and keeping silent about it. When my sis was weeping to him, she told him that he'd always been a hero in her eyes. I figured out that it was the same for me, even though I knew he had a huge flaws like every person. I still can see my sis on the bed, crying like a little baby, hardly being able to say the words about him always being a hero in her eyes. Whenever I think about it, it makes me totally ruined and I have to force myself not to cry in public places like a bus.
This isn't a way the hero acts x_X We would be sad, of course, but it would be so much easier if he went straight to us months ago and told us what's happening. Not like "I'm going to a hospital, I'll have a baby with another woman." And another thing. I never told anyone about that except mom (I think), when she was out in the garden and crying, dad came to our room. We thought he'd apologise and explain his standpoint, and I knew at that moment that it would be totally ok for me, if he just said stuff like that.
And what he said? It blew my brain off. "I knew I hurt you all very much, but I hope you'll start to act like a family now," he said, suggesting that we weren't enough family for him and that he decided to do this mess because of that. I was totally shocked at that moment. I could only say "Well, acting like a family, YOU dare to say things like that?" He couldn't reply anything, because obviously I was right x_X Who he think he is, to preach about a family while having a bastard child?! x_X Also, both my parents come from divorced families, so what the hell they know about family with both father and mother present? x_X
I know we were kinda bad girls with sis, and mom and granny were bossy to him, and stuff... but wait, no, that's what he wanted, to throw his own responsibility on us. We both (sis and me) were thinking about it being our own problem, but then, Christopher came to us and told us that it's in no way our fault, and that he's a complete coward for hiding his faults and trying to get rid of the responsibility. And on top of that, when Chris was calling my sis, she told me that he said he loved me xD Apparently, he says that to most of his friends, but it really made me feel good at the moment, because after all, Chris was hurt and betrayed too, he was looking up to our dad as well, so the Scottish bastard is on the same ship as me and my sis.
Of course, I know it's not the baby's fault, and I won't be a stranger to her, it's my sis after all. But still, there will be a bitterness, and I don't want to meet the woman at all, because I think I would try to punch her face or something. In the end it's really not about not being able to forgive him the affair, it's something much more deep in my eyes. He betrayed the faith of my close ones, and acted like the biggest coward on the earth. I think I will have a hard time to have any respect for him from now on, even though I still love him.
So, things are pretty messy in my head now. I feel like I need to cry, but I can't, except when I fight with my beloved one, so yeah, fighting makes me actually feel better. I also feel annoyed by everything. Every little thing at all. I even started to listen to Johnny's again. That's what I need, a light-hearted songs about how japanese bishies love ME. It really can make me smile now and be at ease. Sadly, not my favourite BUMP's heavy, excistential lyric-shit that makes me only cry more.
Right now, I feel like I want to get just ripped out of time and space continuum, leaving everything behing, my brain included. I just want to join satellites circling around Earth, wearing lolita dress (yeah, I'm getting into lolita lately, though very passively for now xD), listening to something by Kanon Wakeshima and Johnny's bishies, not realising why I'm there in the first place and not remembering anything or anyone. Oh, and I want to masturbate over Nishikido's and Akanishi's godly voices. And maybe, sometimes, when I start to feel lonely, I would receieve a signal from a far away Voyager that left Solar System and hear Fujiwara's voice and remembered all the things and emotions I have thanks to him. (And there's many.) I hope things will get better with time. At least Bump are going to release stuff soon. I need to bump my Bump fandom too.
But damn, I really feel like going for a long holiday xD This shit's making me crazy as hell xD As Jin sings in one of his most epic songs so far "Sono kanashimi mo kurushimi mo sono itami mo wakaranai".
This post will be very personal, but feel free to read, if there's still anyone here xD
I know I'm emotionally complicated person and tend to overdramatize everything. I was making a huge deal about everything in the past, being depressed about stupid things. That's just how I am, and even though the reasons were stupid, they still hurt like a bitch.
But lately things got much much worse. As if the weather knew, it has been raining all week or even longer. Last week I acquired a new sister. Obviously, my mom is too old to have a baby. No, it was my beloved daddy that told mom at 3 am that he's going to hospital, because his "exgirlfriend" was giving birth to his child. Yeah. Like that, out of nowhere. Many things were shattered that night, yeah.
Well, we are not stupid, my (older ._.) sis and me. We saw ages ago that the relationship between dad and mom is getting pretty rusty. They were trying to save the relationship for the sake of our family, both of them had an affair (but mom was the only one who ended it, it seems ><), and I often thought that it wasn't a good thing to keep going, that it would be easier for us all (and for the atmosphere in the family) to just part. But no, they kept going, so one would say they were both having such strong morals and treasure family above everything else. I really wonder what was going on in his mind. He must had known for months already about that, and also that the woman was planning to keep the baby.
Anyway, I'm not a kid. I know relationships come and go, and sometimes you just meet someone who blows your mind. I can easily forgive him that this "someone" isn't my mom anymore. (If it's in my place to forgive him. But it probably is, I got hurt too.) I also think that I'm a fairly mentally strong woman. I've been putting up with some health shit all the time, and I fairly believe that if I learned that I have a cancer for exaple (please god no xD), I'd be probably just "well, let's do my best" without further ado about it. I also remember supporting mom and sis and once even dad when they were sad.
However, there's something I can't forgive dad for. I leave out hurting mom so much, for me and my sis as his daughters there's one much more tragic thing than their relationship breaking apart. It's the way he was acting all the time and keeping silent about it. When my sis was weeping to him, she told him that he'd always been a hero in her eyes. I figured out that it was the same for me, even though I knew he had a huge flaws like every person. I still can see my sis on the bed, crying like a little baby, hardly being able to say the words about him always being a hero in her eyes. Whenever I think about it, it makes me totally ruined and I have to force myself not to cry in public places like a bus.
This isn't a way the hero acts x_X We would be sad, of course, but it would be so much easier if he went straight to us months ago and told us what's happening. Not like "I'm going to a hospital, I'll have a baby with another woman." And another thing. I never told anyone about that except mom (I think), when she was out in the garden and crying, dad came to our room. We thought he'd apologise and explain his standpoint, and I knew at that moment that it would be totally ok for me, if he just said stuff like that.
And what he said? It blew my brain off. "I knew I hurt you all very much, but I hope you'll start to act like a family now," he said, suggesting that we weren't enough family for him and that he decided to do this mess because of that. I was totally shocked at that moment. I could only say "Well, acting like a family, YOU dare to say things like that?" He couldn't reply anything, because obviously I was right x_X Who he think he is, to preach about a family while having a bastard child?! x_X Also, both my parents come from divorced families, so what the hell they know about family with both father and mother present? x_X
I know we were kinda bad girls with sis, and mom and granny were bossy to him, and stuff... but wait, no, that's what he wanted, to throw his own responsibility on us. We both (sis and me) were thinking about it being our own problem, but then, Christopher came to us and told us that it's in no way our fault, and that he's a complete coward for hiding his faults and trying to get rid of the responsibility. And on top of that, when Chris was calling my sis, she told me that he said he loved me xD Apparently, he says that to most of his friends, but it really made me feel good at the moment, because after all, Chris was hurt and betrayed too, he was looking up to our dad as well, so the Scottish bastard is on the same ship as me and my sis.
Of course, I know it's not the baby's fault, and I won't be a stranger to her, it's my sis after all. But still, there will be a bitterness, and I don't want to meet the woman at all, because I think I would try to punch her face or something. In the end it's really not about not being able to forgive him the affair, it's something much more deep in my eyes. He betrayed the faith of my close ones, and acted like the biggest coward on the earth. I think I will have a hard time to have any respect for him from now on, even though I still love him.
So, things are pretty messy in my head now. I feel like I need to cry, but I can't, except when I fight with my beloved one, so yeah, fighting makes me actually feel better. I also feel annoyed by everything. Every little thing at all. I even started to listen to Johnny's again. That's what I need, a light-hearted songs about how japanese bishies love ME. It really can make me smile now and be at ease. Sadly, not my favourite BUMP's heavy, excistential lyric-shit that makes me only cry more.
Right now, I feel like I want to get just ripped out of time and space continuum, leaving everything behing, my brain included. I just want to join satellites circling around Earth, wearing lolita dress (yeah, I'm getting into lolita lately, though very passively for now xD), listening to something by Kanon Wakeshima and Johnny's bishies, not realising why I'm there in the first place and not remembering anything or anyone. Oh, and I want to masturbate over Nishikido's and Akanishi's godly voices. And maybe, sometimes, when I start to feel lonely, I would receieve a signal from a far away Voyager that left Solar System and hear Fujiwara's voice and remembered all the things and emotions I have thanks to him. (And there's many.) I hope things will get better with time. At least Bump are going to release stuff soon. I need to bump my Bump fandom too.
But damn, I really feel like going for a long holiday xD This shit's making me crazy as hell xD As Jin sings in one of his most epic songs so far "Sono kanashimi mo kurushimi mo sono itami mo wakaranai".