Newsflash: I'm fat!
Actually, this comes as no great revelation to me. I already knew that. I've known it for a long time. It's just that I keep getting new reminders of that fact. My blood sugar has gotten a little higher than I wanted so I have gone back to the beginning of my diabetes training. I am not going to allow myself to be complacent because complacency isn't controlling my blood sugars anymore. It was all right for a while because...I don't know why it was all right. I changed what I was doing and started getting active and my blood sugar went up. I wasn't eating any more than I had before getting active again. My blood sugar just kept going up the more active I got. It's supposed to be the opposite. The problem wasn't how much I was eating as much as it was when I was eating and what I was eating when. We're getting that back under control and I have gone back into PT for my shins.
Well, what I suspected turned out to be the case. Because of my huge gut (it really is very large), my center of gravity is all off and out of whack. In an attempt to keep from falling backward, my body leans forward which puts strain on the muscles in my shins. My shin muscles (tibialis anterior for those keeping score at home) are grossly overdeveloped from bearing the brunt of the way I have to stand and walk. PT can't do much for me apart from relieving the pain. In this case more than any other, I have to lose weight to get rid of the problem. Stretching will only help relieve symptoms, it won't get rid of the problem at all. Really, all I can do in PT is manage pain and tonicity.
The good news? They're putting my fat body back in the pool! I am going into the pool for "General Conditioning"! Yes, that means I am going to be working my gut (not butt) off in the pool. It's not an Olympic pool. It's really something more like a giant hot tub. There are steps and rails and tiles and water. The buoyancy will take the pressure off my joints and I should be able to get more done before my body decides I've had enough.
I also picked up a good bit of philosophy I think I will add into my own. When I pick up something to eat, I will ask myself if it's worth it. "Is this cookie worth the mile I'll have to run for it?" If I'm going to have to work it off, it damned well better be worth it. I don't want to eat any more packaged cookies. If I'm going to spike my blood sugar and have to work harder at the gym, it's going to have to be a homemade cookie. Only Grade-A junk for me. The Big Macs and Whoppers are not worth it. Half the shit I eat isn't worth it. I'm tired and lazy, so I eat for convenience which makes me even more tired and even lazier. It's a sick cycle and I've been stuck in its downward spiral for years now.
Fortunately, the converse also holds true. The better I eat, the better I'll feel which means I will be able to cook more which means I will eat better... See the pattern here?
Change is not easy and changes like these are never instant. I just need them to be as close to instant as I can. Eating better doesn't mean I switch to margarine and eat salads. Eating better means that I am more selective about what goes into my body. If I am what I eat, I am shit. Sure, the fats and sugars in the shit I eat masks the fact that I am eating shit but the evidence is in the way I feel. The foods I've been eating make me feel like shit. That's how I know I've been eating shit.
With my love of food and cooking, I should be eating a lot better than I have been. I've come back to the one place I've always returned. It all stems from fear. I have issues I still haven't dealt with. I don't even know how to deal with them, that's why they're still issues. I should probably seek professional help for my problems but I am afraid of where that might lead. I have a morbid fear of being hospitalized even though I have come close to entering in-patient care in the past couple years. It's that willingness which has led to my recent breakthroughs. While I have made up a lot of ground, there is a lot that I keep locked inside of me. There are things I need to get out and I don't know the best way to do that. I used to feel I could do it here but no one reads like they used to. I appreciate those who still read, it's not that. It's just that I don't have the kind of relationship with my readers that I used to. People used to admire my strength for being able to put everything out here for anyone to read. Now, that has worn thin on people because I tend to repeat myself in order to get to the evolution of the thought. A private journal doesn't suit me because I need to SHARE this with someone. I suppose that's where the professional comes in, huh?
Yeah, I have a name and number, I just need to get a referral to get an appointment and I keep putting it off. I've been putting it off for almost a year now. I think I am at the point where it's about the only thing that will help me. I have some steps to make but I need someone to guide me to the point where I can make them.
Well, what I suspected turned out to be the case. Because of my huge gut (it really is very large), my center of gravity is all off and out of whack. In an attempt to keep from falling backward, my body leans forward which puts strain on the muscles in my shins. My shin muscles (tibialis anterior for those keeping score at home) are grossly overdeveloped from bearing the brunt of the way I have to stand and walk. PT can't do much for me apart from relieving the pain. In this case more than any other, I have to lose weight to get rid of the problem. Stretching will only help relieve symptoms, it won't get rid of the problem at all. Really, all I can do in PT is manage pain and tonicity.
The good news? They're putting my fat body back in the pool! I am going into the pool for "General Conditioning"! Yes, that means I am going to be working my gut (not butt) off in the pool. It's not an Olympic pool. It's really something more like a giant hot tub. There are steps and rails and tiles and water. The buoyancy will take the pressure off my joints and I should be able to get more done before my body decides I've had enough.
I also picked up a good bit of philosophy I think I will add into my own. When I pick up something to eat, I will ask myself if it's worth it. "Is this cookie worth the mile I'll have to run for it?" If I'm going to have to work it off, it damned well better be worth it. I don't want to eat any more packaged cookies. If I'm going to spike my blood sugar and have to work harder at the gym, it's going to have to be a homemade cookie. Only Grade-A junk for me. The Big Macs and Whoppers are not worth it. Half the shit I eat isn't worth it. I'm tired and lazy, so I eat for convenience which makes me even more tired and even lazier. It's a sick cycle and I've been stuck in its downward spiral for years now.
Fortunately, the converse also holds true. The better I eat, the better I'll feel which means I will be able to cook more which means I will eat better... See the pattern here?
Change is not easy and changes like these are never instant. I just need them to be as close to instant as I can. Eating better doesn't mean I switch to margarine and eat salads. Eating better means that I am more selective about what goes into my body. If I am what I eat, I am shit. Sure, the fats and sugars in the shit I eat masks the fact that I am eating shit but the evidence is in the way I feel. The foods I've been eating make me feel like shit. That's how I know I've been eating shit.
With my love of food and cooking, I should be eating a lot better than I have been. I've come back to the one place I've always returned. It all stems from fear. I have issues I still haven't dealt with. I don't even know how to deal with them, that's why they're still issues. I should probably seek professional help for my problems but I am afraid of where that might lead. I have a morbid fear of being hospitalized even though I have come close to entering in-patient care in the past couple years. It's that willingness which has led to my recent breakthroughs. While I have made up a lot of ground, there is a lot that I keep locked inside of me. There are things I need to get out and I don't know the best way to do that. I used to feel I could do it here but no one reads like they used to. I appreciate those who still read, it's not that. It's just that I don't have the kind of relationship with my readers that I used to. People used to admire my strength for being able to put everything out here for anyone to read. Now, that has worn thin on people because I tend to repeat myself in order to get to the evolution of the thought. A private journal doesn't suit me because I need to SHARE this with someone. I suppose that's where the professional comes in, huh?
Yeah, I have a name and number, I just need to get a referral to get an appointment and I keep putting it off. I've been putting it off for almost a year now. I think I am at the point where it's about the only thing that will help me. I have some steps to make but I need someone to guide me to the point where I can make them.